C | Chapter 11.4 | Conclusion | Crack in the Perm

Of all the memories Ian had lost, the one he had left untouched until the very end was about Marcus Winchell. He couldn’t remember Marcus’ occupation or appearance. It was different from recalling the things Marcus had said or done when retracing the events. To Ian, Marcus Winchell was merely a foster father whom he had killed, a criminal who had abused him. Nothing about Marcus Winchell as a person remained within him.

Even without knowing this, the Revenant already understood what Ian’s most persistent, haunting nightmare was, the one he couldn’t reveal until the end. He had known from the beginning what was most twisted between Ian and himself.

As time passed, if he grew older and his face became more like Marcus Winchell’s, Ian would have to face that nightmare vividly every day. Even if he didn’t want to remember, he would clearly recall Marcus Winchell’s image.

The worst part was that the resemblance between the Revenant and Marcus Winchell extended beyond their faces. They were the same to the core. The beast’s blood that flowed from Marcus Winchell ran, unbroken, through his veins. The Revenant already considered himself a beast. The fact neither frightened nor distressed him. He could live as a beast as much as he wished. Leonardo Winchell might have fought to protect his humanity, but the Revenant painfully remembered that his pathetic attempts had only ruined Ian’s life further. Humanity held no value for him anymore.

But for Ian, it was different. Though that beastly nature—where killing or slaughtering came naturally to him—felt natural and familiar, he could never ask Ian to accept it.

Ian was the reason he recognized himself as a beast, yet, for that very reason, he wanted to leave Ian within the realm of humanity. Ian was his sanctuary. His last and perhaps only one.

“I’m not asking you to accept a man who shares the same blood as the person you should’ve killed with your own hands.”

He had killed his father. Not for Ian, but using Ian as a reason. On the day he killed Marcus Winchell, what he felt wasn’t guilt, but anger. And a satisfaction that stoked his rage.

He couldn’t ask Ian to love someone like him. Ian would love Leo Winchell, not him. At least, he’d love that guy who was still somewhat human. He wasn’t loving Revenant Matthias, the beast.

“Just… forget about me.”

The Revenant turned his back.

Leaving wasn’t as hard as he had expected. Without a single hesitation, he moved his legs forward, heading for goodbye.

However, it was far harder than he’d imagined. As if leaving a part of his body—something like his heart—beside Ian, he kept wanting to look back. He wanted to stop. He wanted to go back.

“How… how can…”

He could almost see Ian’s parted, trembling lips. He wanted to turn around and see it with his own eyes.

But he couldn’t. No more.

The beast had already satisfied its filthy desire. He couldn’t tell Ian to accept him just for something like that.

You are my last.

That’s why he had to leave him behind. That’s how he could leave.

“I can’t!”

Ian ran after him and forced him to turn around, holding him tightly, unwilling to let go.

“You may be able to give up, but I can’t.”

Ian stood there, clutching him. His hand held on firmly as if he would never let go, and that grasp filled Revenant’s eyes.

“When you abandoned me the first time, you used the excuse that I wasn’t eighteen. Now you’re doing it again, finding a new excuse because I’m nineteen now. Just tell me I mean nothing to you. Say you’re leaving because I’m nothing to you. Tell me I’m annoying and troublesome. If that’s the reason, I’ll understand. But the excuse you’re using now…”

Ian’s clenched fist trembled like a spasm.

“I… can’t accept that. Just be honest. Isn’t it more about you than me? Can you honestly say you don’t resent me at all? You killed your father because of me. If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t have done something so beastly. So, do you hate me? Do you resent me?”

How could he not understand that it wasn’t true?

“That…”

“Shut up!”

When the Revenant tried to respond, Ian shouted, as if he didn’t want to hear his answer.

“Shut up! Shut up, damn it! If you want to blame someone, go blame that bastard! He’s the one who did something to deserve it! I’m the victim here! So why are you taking it out on me like this? Damn it, this isn’t something I can control!”

“Ian…”

“I’m sorry. I’ll apologize.”

As if he’d forgotten everything he had just said, Ian spoke new words, his fingers trembling desperately as he clung to the Revenant.

“I’m sorry, really. I’m truly sorry. For what happened to your father because of me, I’m so sorry. So I’ll apologize. I’ll apologize to you forever. Damn it, take it out on me if you have to, do whatever you want. Just don’t abandon me. There’s no reason to anymore! Not a single reason I can accept!”

Revenant forcibly pulled Ian away once more. This time, he had to use more strength. He stared at Ian, who looked at him with an anguished expression, ensuring he saw him without distortion.

“You are not a beast like me.”

“Stop… stop saying that!”

“Don’t overestimate your humanity. Do you have any idea what kind of state you were in these past four years? You couldn’t overcome the abuse; your mind was shattered. If I stay by your side, you’ll have to relive that reality every day, repeating it endlessly until it makes you sick. Then, even if you want to stop, you won’t be able to.”

“No! That’s not because of my stepfather!”

Ian yelled like a stubborn child, but his defiance wasn’t one that an adult could easily ignore.

“It was because of you!”

That was something the Revenant hadn’t known until now. Something he’d never known existed—a glimpse into Ian’s real feelings.

“What…?”

“I had to forget… so you could escape safely. It might sound stupid, but back then, it was that urgent. The police kept asking the same questions, doubting me every day… I had nowhere else to escape.”

“…”

“So… that’s why I learned hacking.”

Ian learned hacking and began deleting every piece of information about Leonardo Winchell he could find daily. Flight records, cash withdrawals, phone call histories, and credit card transactions in his name.

It gradually developed into deleting trivial details like email accounts from college, a photo someone had posted on Facebook from the same school, a research paper submitted to the school server, the evaluations attached to it, and even half-written job applications, downloaded porn videos or MP3s, and orders for condoms or prescription records for cold medicine and ointments.

The vast traces of a single person’s life left online, along with the emotions imprinted on those times, began to vanish every day.

Though the Revenant didn’t know it, erasing these traces over the past four years gradually weakened Walter Stone’s pursuit of him.

“When I realized you wouldn’t live as Leo Winchell anymore, I thought you were going to run away. Back then, I believed that was the only way to help you.”

When Ian had deleted every trace of Leonardo Winchell he could find online, he finally could even forget his memory of him. The repeated process of exclusion completed a false memory, a safe one. Leonardo Winchell was nowhere in that memory.

Even without those memories, Ian loved him. He loved and missed him, even without remembering. It was natural because he’d erased him out of love.

The Revenant finally understood that now.

Suddenly, a blind spot formed in his vision, which had adjusted to the darkness. He was engulfed in a feeling akin to being struck, a sense of dizzying disorientation. He had felt this way before. The intense feeling of his knowledge shattering to pieces. The memory of being trapped in Ian’s gaze, unable to escape, as if he was tightly held within it. The moment he realized he could no longer resist. That moment when his breathing grew uneven, his pulse spiking to unnatural levels. The instant when thinking became meaningless.

The moment he couldn’t escape even though he wanted to.

“Ian…”

“You said you sold even your name to have me. I sold my memory to have you. So what’s the difference? Is it different for you? For me, it’s the same. Whatever you resent or regret, in the end, you killed your father for me. No matter what that meant to you, for me, it was love. You loved me. For me, it was.”

“Ian…”

“Just shut up and listen. Do you resent me for making you kill your father? Then fine, go ahead. I’ll resent you, too, for what your father did to me. You feel sorry for what your father did to me, don’t you? I’m sorry, too. I’m sorry for turning you into a killer. So we’re the same. Whether it’s pathetic or filthy, we’re the same. That’s no reason to abandon me. Who do you think you are, acting like you’re better than me to leave me? If I’m a murderer, so are you. I might be mentally unstable, but you’re insane too. The restaurant manager called you insane more than ten times. You’re crazy. You had feelings for a fifteen-year-old, right? Stop pretending to care about others and act like a lunatic if that’s what you are. You don’t deserve to have me? Damn, then I don’t deserve to have you either? Give me a break. I became mentally ill because of you, so why wouldn’t I have the right? Who says you’re not worthy of me? Damn it, don’t talk nonsense. You became a killer because of me, so why wouldn’t you be worthy? You even threw away your name like you said, so why can’t you have me? Just… stop saying those things.”

Ian didn’t stop talking. Without even pausing for breath, he kept going, creating a tense, explosive atmosphere around them. They both wished this tension would break, but Ian didn’t stop. It seemed like he couldn’t. As if he feared that if he stopped, the Revenant would nod, turn around, and disappear.

“Don’t leave me. Don’t abandon me. Take me away from here. You’re the only one who can save me from this place. The only thing I’ve wished for while losing my memory was for you to come back and take me. If you leave me, I’ll still be here alone! That would truly…”

“Ian!”

The Revenant grabbed Ian’s shoulders, stopping him by force. Then, raising his hand, he covered Ian’s eyes with trembling fingers. His heart trembled even more.

Would this be okay?

Could he leave himself to Ian? Even though he sometimes found himself disgusting, could he believe that Ian, who embraced him, would heal and recover from the scratches and wounds he inflicted, and that someday it would all be okay? Just as he’d always been fine because Ian existed, could Ian be okay because he was here?

Would this be okay? Could it be me, of all people?

“If you mean what you just said, close your eyes.”

“Why… why…”

“Stay still. Don’t move.”

Feeling Ian’s eyelids close against his palm, the Revenant stepped back. One step, two steps… three. Three steps was all he could manage right now.

“Why… why are you doing this? Why…”

Ian looked at him, fearfully calling his name.

“Leo… Revenant. Why…”

“Right now, you and I are three steps apart. If I decide to, I can leave, and you’ll never catch up to me. This is the bare minimum distance.”

“What…”

“If you stay right there, I can leave without a sound. Just close your eyes for a moment, and I’ll be gone before you know it. A simple goodbye. Nothing difficult about it.”

“N-No… No, I won’t let you!”

“But…”

The Revenant paused, twisting his lips into a crooked smile that spread like a shadow over his handsome face.

“Or you could take those three steps toward me. If you do, you’ll never be able to escape me again. The choice is yours. This is your one and only chance. There won’t be any more opportunities after this.”

Because I can only hold out for three steps.

Before he could finish his thought, Ian closed the distance in an instant, clinging to him desperately. Three steps weren’t needed. Even ten wouldn’t have been enough.

“Now… now… finally…”