BA Ch 9

“Why do you keep staring at me like that?”

 

There was a time when he asked that question. In response, Haejoo’s pale cheeks flushed red, and he said,

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“Because you’re beautiful, Dr. Min.”

 

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Yeo-jin just laughed.

“What are you talking about? You’re prettier, kid.”

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“No, I’m not. I’m ugly. I’m not pretty.”

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Even while wearing the isolation gown that looked like a prison uniform, he still shone brightly, yet he twisted his body, insisting he was unattractive.

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“I’ve never seen anyone as beautiful as you, Dr. Min. You’re even prettier than the people on TV. You’re fair, radiant, and angelic.”

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The first time Yeo-jin heard those words, he seriously wondered if Haejoo’s aesthetic sense had been damaged due to psychological trauma. But after hearing it a few more times, he let go of his concerns, chalking it up to something similar to how children insist their mothers are the most beautiful in the world.

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At first, the intense gaze felt awkward, but over time, Yeo-jin got used to it. Eventually, it reached a point where he could carry on with his work in the clinic without minding Haejoo staring at him.

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Haejoo didn’t mingle with the other people in the quarantine ward. Instead of going outside during exercise or free time, he would always come to Yeo-jin. Even when encouraged to befriend others, Haejoo would simply say that as long as he had Yeo-jin, he didn’t need anyone else.

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“I don’t like other people. I like you the most, Dr. Min.”

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“If you keep that up, you’ll end up isolated.”

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“I don’t care.”

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“You’ll be lonely without friends.”

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“As long as I have you, I’ll be fine.”

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Yeo-jin always brushed it off with a lighthearted laugh. It was just a fleeting emotion anyway—something like how a puppy only loves and follows its owner.

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Whether Haejoo chose the path of a special government officer or transferred to the quarantine center in Jeju, once he stepped into a bigger world, met more people, and encountered attractive partners, these feelings would naturally fade away.

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Occasionally, Haejoo would reach out to caress Yeo-jin’s body, sweep back his hair, or stroke his cheek. He clung to him and nuzzled against him like an animal vying for its owner’s affection. Yeo-jin never shied away. Though sometimes annoyed, he never showed it, patiently indulging his antics.

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Haejoo was endlessly endearing—adorable, lovable, and pitiable all at once. As days passed, Yeo-jin grew fonder of him, and the thought of their eventual separation filled him with unease.

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How will he survive without me?

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It was the same worry he’d carried for his late younger brother. To him, Haeju seemed just as fragile and delicate, someone who couldn’t endure without his care.

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His feelings for him mirrored those he’d had for his brother. But were Haejoo’s emotions the same?

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he believed so. he convinced himself his affection was pure, even after the incident on his birthday.

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He’s just a child mistaking his feelings, he told himself.

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A boy his age getting flustered over nothing is normal.

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He’d been swept up in the moment, he reasoned. Besides, his “I like you” was a phrase he’d heard countless times before.

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“Dr. Min… does your heart race when you think of me too?”

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The memory of Haejoo’s face flashed in her mind—flushed red, his voice trembling.

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“Mine does. When I think of you, my heart pounds, I can’t breathe… I feel like I’m going crazy.”

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There was nothing innocent about the way he’d moaned those words. The child he’d held close now felt like a stranger, his once-clear eyes gleaming with an instinct he recognized too well.

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Desire.

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Haejoo, breath ragged and overwhelmed, had finally reached for him. The boy who’d smiled with untarnished purity now feverishly licked his lips and groped his body. His hands were large, his arms thick and unyielding even as he squirmed. His imposing frame pressed down, relentless.

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In that moment, Haejoo was no longer just a cute, lovable child. He was a man—a grown man harboring sexual desire for him.

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If Yeo-jin hadn’t swung his fist that day, he didn’t know what he might have done.

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No, it couldn’t be true, he told himself.

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He just lost control in a moment of impulse. His mind might still be a child’s, but his body is a man’s—he couldn’t help it.

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Haejoo was at that volatile age where even the slightest breeze could stir him. Even if his feelings for him were pure, his physical reactions couldn’t remain innocent.

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Yet despite what he’d done, Yeo-jin clung to denial, refusing to face the truth. he desperately wanted to believe Haejoo’s feelings were still untainted. But ignoring it changed nothing.

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he had to admit it: Haeju’s feelings for him were nothing like his. Their “I like you” carried entirely different meanings.

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There had been signs all along. Haejoo often sought physical contact, but his touches weren’t like his—gentle pats on the cheek or strokes of his hair. His were charged, deliberate.

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 “Dr. Min… can I have you? he’d once asked, locking his large, earnest eyes onto his.

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“I don’t need anything else. Just you. Don’t hate me. I like you. I want to stay with you forever.”

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After his frenzied advance, he’d crumbled into tears, pleading, “Don’t hate me.”

 

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The image of Haejoo crying relentlessly—thick tears streaming down his face without a blink of hesitation or shame—haunted him. It didn’t help that this was the last memory he had of him.

He used to smile so brightly. The kind of smile that lit up the world just from meeting my gaze.

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Now, he longed to see that smile again, to hear his laughter. Even if his desires were impure, even if the depth of her affection differed from his, their outward forms were the same.

 

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—

 

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Yeo-jin also thought Haejoo was wonderful. Haejoo was cute, lovely, and pitiful. Yeo-jin wasn’t quite sure what the difference was between his feelings and Haejoo’s, but right now, he missed Haejoo terribly.

 

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He was so worried about him that he felt like he was going to lose his mind. His chest felt like it was going to burst with the fear that the soldiers might find Haejoo first and kill him.

 

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—

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Yeo-jin visited Haejoo’s house, his maternal and paternal relatives’ homes, and even Haejoo’s school. But he couldn’t find a trace of Haejoo anywhere. In times like these, Haejoo didn’t even have a cell phone.

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If he had known things would turn out like this, he would have given Haejoo a phone instead of a wristwatch for his birthday.

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After wandering around all day until his feet were sore, the sun had already set. Starting the day with a meeting, being interrogated for hours, and then running all over Seoul had drained him completely. Until now, he hadn’t even realized he was hungry, but now his stomach growled fiercely.

 

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Yeo-jin entered a snack bar near Haejoo’s school and ordered tteokbokki and gimbap. The food came out quickly. He stuffed the food into his mouth, only focused on filling his stomach. Next to him, students were eating tteokbokki and gimbap too.

 

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Tteokbokki was Haejoo’s favorite food. Whenever a teacher offered to buy him anything he wanted, Haejoo always asked for tteokbokki. If you ordered a set with fried snacks, fish cakes, and blood sausages, he’d sit right there and eat it all deliciously.

 

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Was Haejoo eating properly? He probably didn’t even have money to buy food.

 

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Though it was April, the weather was still quite chilly, and he must’ve been cold in just his isolation suit.

 

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Thinking about Haejoo made Yeo-jin’s throat tighten. His appetite disappeared, and he set down his spoon.