AES Ch3.3

He doesn’t want to date, he doesn’t want to have sex. But he says he likes me. I don’t know what tune to dance to. Heetae stared at him coldly without even blinking, and Ryu Sihyeon continued speaking in a nonchalant voice.

“I don’t think I like you that much.”

I’m going crazy. I’ve never heard such a lukewarm word in real life or while acting. I’d rather be cursed at.

“I don’t know what you want me to do.”

Heetae looked at the air in a sense of futility. Even Grieg’s piano music, which was faintly heard in this situation, was annoying.

“Don’t you think this is strange, Sunbae-nim?”

“What’s strange?”

“I mean, we’re not in any relationship, and we’re both men… and you’re going to get married, aren’t you?”

“You’ve already thought that far?”

“Didn’t you have any thoughts at all?”

When he asked back like that, Heetae retorted sarcastically.

“You said the process is important. But you’re considering other people’s marriages? That’s the result, isn’t it?”

“But our process wasn’t good, was it?”

Ryu Sihyeon, who had revealed his true colors, was no longer compliant. He was a kid who said everything he wanted to say with his unique indifferent expression.

“I’m living my life quietly… but you keep shaking me up.”

That was the most absurd thing he had heard today. Heetae stared at Ryu Sihyeon intently. Living well? Do you really think so?

There’s no way.

I know Ryu Sihyeon from a cold winter night crying under a street lamp. I remember his appearance last night confessing the betrayal of someone he trusted. He was a kid who had talent but couldn’t even realize its value. Moreover, this small house and sluggish company are all ill-fitting clothes for Ryu Sihyeon. With such a past and present, there was no way he was really okay.

“I can make you live better.”

Heetae looked at Ryu Sihyeon. He was too young, and it was clear that he had never received help from a proper person. Otherwise, there was no way he would express that he was ‘living well.’

You need me.

You don’t know what you’re talking about.

From the depths of his heart, he felt a stuffy feeling of being blocked. The conversation with Ryu Sihyeon was without agreement. They were running parallel lines to the point of being tiresome.

“You say it’s sudden for you, Sunbae-nim……”

As the conversation dragged on without compromise, it was likely that his voice would rise. But he wasn’t excited, and he was still in a calm tone.

“Actually, I’m the one who’s embarrassed. There were many signals.”

‘Signals.’

Ryu Sihyeon once said, after watching a play where a daughter suddenly says she will commit suicide, that the mother should have known the signals her daughter was sending. That’s Ryu Sihyeon’s way of thinking. I understand that. I understand, but

Then… what kind of signals did you send? I tried to recall, but I couldn’t know. What was filling my head now was the moment when he was saying the last line during the reading, his brown eyes when he said he liked me, the feeling of his shoulder touching mine when he was leaning on my shoulder and sleeping, the kiss I had with him last night…. Nothing symbolized the current situation. It clearly had to flow in the opposite direction.

Heetae quietly stared at Ryu Sihyeon. The band-aid on his neck came into his eyes. There were marks left there from having sex yesterday. He thought it was unavoidable, but he did say he didn’t like it on his neck. Only now did that one thing come to mind.

The only ‘signal’ that comes to mind now is that. Even if I try to think of something else, my mind is not working now as if someone has hammered a nail into my brain.

“I’m sorry about the one on your neck.”

Does he want to be treated like a princess? I thought it was quite difficult, but I could accommodate him to some extent.

“It won’t happen again in the future.”

Ryu Sihyeon didn’t answer those words that implied the future. Instead, he asked a question.

“…What do you want to do with me, Sunbae-nim?”

The question he had asked sometime ago came back as it was. The answer Heetae had concluded was already there. He wanted to be able to see him occasionally and have sex. But those words didn’t come out. Instinctively, he knew that it wasn’t the right line for this situation. He had to appease him first, but he didn’t think he could appease him with those words. Heetae, who couldn’t choose a suitable answer, instead asked back.

“Don’t you really want anything from me, Sihyeon?”

“Not really.”

“That’s a lie.”

“It’s not a lie.”

Ryu Sihyeon was an uninvited guest who appeared in front of Seo Heetae one day. He said he was a fan, he said he liked me, and he liked Seo Heetae’s kiss. He invaded Seo Heetae’s boundaries and shattered his daily life. To the point where it couldn’t be turned back.

And now Ryu Sihyeon is rejecting Seo Heetae.

This is the end. Something is blocking the way. Ryu Sihyeon no longer approaches, and Seo Heetae no longer collapses. A compromise that goes against instinct has arisen.

Then what should the already broken Seo Heetae do?

“That I shake you up….”

Heetae let out a hollow laugh.

“You’re the one who confuses people and drives them crazy.”

His tone was more intense than usual, and his choice of words was rough. The gaze staring at the other person was cold. But that didn’t have any effect on Ryu Sihyeon. Has he been drinking a lot of alcohol and his liver is swollen? It’s been a long time since I’ve seen someone so calm even though Seo Heetae doesn’t hide his displeasure.

“Back at the villa, you said you wanted to sleep first.”

At Heetae’s words, his pupils seemed to waver.

“I……”

The moment he said that, the doorbell rang. In the instant that Ryu Sihyeon was flustered, the sound of someone pressing the door lock number followed immediately. The beeping sound was rough and loud.

There was no way the manager would come at this early hour. Heetae looked at the Ryu Sihyeon in front of him with many questions mixed in his mind. Ryu Sihyeon, surprised, widened his eyes, then immediately ran to the front door. It was the fastest gesture he had shown among his actions today and yesterday.

Heetae watched Ryu Sihyeon’s back as he slightly opened the front door. Through the gap in the door, a silhouette larger than Ryu Sihyeon could be seen. The homeowner looked up at the visitor and said,

“Why did you come so suddenly?”

At the question asked in a puzzled tone, a laughing sound was heard.

“What do you mean suddenly?”

The uninvited guest replied like that and then said nonchalantly.

“I was wondering if anything happened.”

Heetae knew that unique voice and arrogant tone. It was because he had heard it when he was filming an entertainment show with Ryu Sihyeon.

It was Ki Yoon Hyung, his friend and fellow actor.

“No. Nothing happened.”

“What, why are you opening the door and stopping? Do you have a debt collector inside?”

Ryu Sihyeon, who briefly looked back at himself, made eye contact. He gestured with his eyes in a slightly embarrassed expression, then went outside completely. Through the gap in the door that he had slightly opened, the sound of him talking with Ki Yoon Hyung was faintly heard, but it was impossible to understand properly. The ambiguous and unclear sound was mixed with the piano melody flowing from the speaker.

It’s ridiculous to go out to eat something in this atmosphere. It’s impossible to talk more with him like this. He didn’t have any interest in Ki Yoon Hyung or the manager who was coming later, and he didn’t even want to see them. In the end, it turned out as Ryu Sihyeon intended. All Seo Heetae could do was go back.

He was in a bad mood, but he wasn’t sure if it was because of the unresolvable argument or because of that guy Ki Yoon Hyung who came early in the morning. Heetae put on his coat and headed to the front door. The voices of the two people could be heard through the door.

“These days, I really feel sorry for you.”

It was Ryu Sihyeon’s words. At those words, Ki Yoon Hyung replied nonchalantly.

“What, you’re saying that now all of a sudden.”

“No, I really……”

Ryu Sihyeon was dragging out his words as if he was pulling them. Are they that close that they talk like that? Heetae had only seen him speak in that tone once. When he said he wanted to wash up after having sex yesterday. Heetae became slightly curious, so he leaned his body against the door and looked at Ryu Sihyeon’s profile visible through the door.

“You have a schedule too.”

“I don’t have one.”

“Anyway, I think I should go today. The situation is a bit…”

At that moment, he made eye contact with Ryu Sihyeon, who looked back at this side. It was embarrassing to say that he was eavesdropping on the conversation here, so Heetae simply opened the half-closed front door and came out.

“I’ll be going.”

He made eye contact with the actor Ki Yoon Hyung, who had an awkward expression. He recognized Heetae and bowed his head to greet him, and Heetae also nodded appropriately. They were clearly strangers to each other, but a strange tension flowed between them.

“Uh… Sunbae-nim, this is Yoon Hyung, Ki Yoon Hyung. We worked together on a project when we were young.”

“Hello.”

His tone was not very pleasing. Ki Yoon Hyung was a guy who was just polite enough.

Ryu Sihyeon, who was standing next to him, said goodbye. The picture of the two of them standing side by side like that was not very pleasing. But he had no choice but to back down here. As Ryu Sihyeon said, he and he were not in any relationship, and there was no justification for him to be here any longer.

Heetae walked down the hallway and looked back slightly. He could see their backs. It was the sight of Ki Yoon Hyung being led into the house by the homeowner’s hand.

At the same time as the faint sound of the door closing scattered in the hallway, anger surged.

He was really in a bad mood.

Heetae has a way of living moderately well that he has learned in his life. It was simple. He had to distinguish between what he could have and what he couldn’t, and then decide what he wanted to have among the things he could have. If he put everything within that baseline into his hands, that was it. It was a way of life that suited Heetae’s usual way of thinking because he didn’t have to have useless expectations or efforts.

If he were to classify Ryu Sihyeon based on that, he was close to ‘something he couldn’t have.’ So it was right to give up on Ryu Sihyeon. They could each live as before. That was really the case originally. But why couldn’t it be? He was driving him crazy even more because it seemed that he would enter his boundary but he couldn’t, and even if it seemed that he would move as he wanted, he couldn’t catch him.

Anyone with intuition or logic could know. Seo Heetae eventually lost in the game with Ryu Sihyeon. Just because he won a few battles doesn’t mean he can win the war. Ultimately, Seo Heetae was defeated. He had a premonition that he would never be able to win.

Was the reason he felt so bad right now simply because things didn’t go as planned, because Ryu Sihyeon didn’t do as he pleased? When such a question arose, he stopped thinking about it there.

He didn’t know what kind of spirit he used to drive back home. When he got home, he turned on the TV without thinking. He flipped through the channels because nothing was interesting to watch, and the finger that was pressing the remote control button stopped when Ryu Sihyeon came out.

It was an entertainment program conducting an interview with a reporter. Ryu Sihyeon, who was wearing a suit at the scene of the photo shoot, was wearing heavy makeup and sitting on a chair with the reporter. The reporter was smiling brightly and talking to Ryu Sihyeon.

‘I heard that the recently released movie <Four Seasons, Seoul, 1983> has surpassed the break-even point of 800,000.’

‘Yes, the director worked very hard, and I’m glad it turned out well.’

‘I heard that Sihyeon is also interested in low-budget independent films.’

Ryu Sihyeon smiled brightly and replied.

‘Yes, I’m fine as long as the work is good. I think it’s important for an actor to appear in various works.’

A hollow laugh came out. That was also a pure lie, and he was saying it so calmly.

‘By the way, it has recently become a hot topic on the internet that Sihyeon doesn’t have any past photos.’

At those words, Ryu Sihyeon widened his eyes and asked.

‘Past photos?’

‘It’s a shortened word for past photos. These days, we call them past photos.’

‘Ah……’

‘Please say a few words for the alumni who are protecting Sihyeon’s graduation photos. What was the name of your closest friend?’

‘Uh… Jino! When you find the graduation photos, upload them online.’

He smiled bashfully as he spoke. It was the first time seeing him with such dark eye makeup, and it gave him a unique look. Seeing his face like that made it impossible to get angry. A self-deprecating laugh naturally escaped.

The short interview ended quickly. Heetae stared blankly at the screen. Was that all? Feeling a bit unsatisfied, he immediately played “Thirst” and began watching it while drinking coffee without any particular thoughts. He consciously emptied his mind, feeling that continuing to think would ultimately lead him to one conclusion, which he found somehow frightening. It was the conscious recognition of an unconscious fear.

As the dry time passed and afternoon approached, Jeong Giyeon called. Heetae reflexively answered with a quick, ‘Oh.’

— I personally made the call.

“Yeah.”

— Why did you send me a photo of pills all of a sudden?

Heetae remembered taking a picture of the medicine he found at Ryu Sihyeon’s house and sending it to Jeong Giyeon.

“Doesn’t it look similar to what you take?”

— The prescription is similar to what our doctor gave me. I used to take the blue ones. By any chance….

Jeong Giyeon paused for a moment.

— Did you get them for me?

Heetae chuckled slightly and replied.

“Medicine should be given by a doctor, not me.”

— You always pretend to worry, but you’re no help.

“What else can I do? Are you taking the medicine these days?”

— I have a hospital appointment.

“Good. You have to present yourself as a decent director to others.”

— Yes, yes. Anyway, I’m in a manic phase right now, so I shouldn’t take those.

“…Then when do you take that medication?”

— It’s for when I was diagnosed with depression.

Laughing, Jeong Giyeon asked,

— So whose medicine is it?

“Let’s say it’s mine.”

He didn’t want to reveal someone else’s medical history carelessly, so he dismissed it like that. Not sure if Jeong Giyeon truly believed it or not, but he laughed heartily.

— Wow. Congratulations. Do you want to join ‘Zimyeolk’ too?

“What’s that?”

— The club for those wishing for the destruction of Earth. So far, it’s just me. Shin Chaeyeon refused, so it’s regrettably still just one member.

“I’m not particularly fond of Earth, but the state of the world isn’t Earth’s fault, so cut it some slack.”

At that moment, Ryu Sihyeon appeared on screen. It was a scene where Jang Yicheon approached Jang Yijin with a gentle smile to win favor. He smiled so beautifully.

A line from the movie “Manhattan” came to mind. It’s about how God always wins in debates with humans because of beings like that. God points to such carefully crafted masterpieces and says,

‘I’ve done a lot of bad things, but I can create something like this too.’

When He says that, humans have nothing to counter with. All they can say is, ‘You win.’

But even masterpieces crafted so carefully by God…

“They have depression.”

— What?

“Giyeon, I have something busy to attend to. I’ll hang up.”

Heetae refocused on “Thirst.” Various thoughts began to arise one by one, such as Ryu Sihyeon’s medical history. It wasn’t surprising, as many actors had depression. The agency just needed to take good care of him. But considering their past actions, they didn’t seem very trustworthy. It was fortunate he at least went to the hospital to get the medicine.

Why live so foolishly? Why not be more cunning and sly? Perhaps he couldn’t get out due to the contract. Didn’t he consider filing a lawsuit to break free? What was so appealing about that company anyway?

While bombarded with such questions, “Thirst” ended. Naturally, Heetae began watching Ryu Sihyeon’s other work, “Field of Freedom.”

In the midst of such questions, “Thirst” ended. Naturally, Heetae played Ryu Sihyeon’s other work, “Field of Freedom.”

✦✦✦

He cleared his schedule for a trip but ended up staying inside the house. The TV screen continuously showed movies. On the screen, Ryu Sihyeon gave his younger sibling a poem he had written in Korean and set off to join the independence movement. He promised to come back but never reunited with his sibling. The movie soon ended. Automatically, Heetae searched for and played Ryu Sihyeon’s previous work. In this one, Ryu Sihyeon played the crown prince in a fictional Joseon dynasty. He knelt in atonement for his dethroned mother, but the king showed no interest in him.

‘Father, could you love me and my mother more?’

He said that and cried. Anyone who saw it would have teared up. He looked so pitiful. How could anyone not love such a person? Yet, the king remained cold and unfeeling. Was he insane? It made one want to curse.

Now, it was impossible to separate the actor from the role. Perhaps because he knew more about Ryu Sihyeon. What was he feeling when he filmed that? Was it hard for him? He cried so much, bid farewell to his dethroned mother, and died at the hands of his father.

He recalled Ryu Sihyeon crying in front of him. The image of him crying sorrowfully until his eyes turned red one winter day came vividly to mind. He never wanted to see him cry like that again.

But he felt like it would happen again someday.

The tragic afterimage faded when he watched the drama “Hello, Newbie!” the next afternoon. It was a comedy with elements of romance and antics, centered around a female protagonist who secured a job at a major food company amid a tough job market. Heetae never particularly liked romantic comedies. This one had aired a few years ago. The lead actor Park Ji-han, whom Heetae had worked with, was someone he highly despised. The sole reason he watched it was because of Ryu Sihyeon.

As a supporting character, Ryu Sihyeon appeared as an ice cream shop employee on the first floor of the company where the female lead worked. The clearly product-placed ice cream shop was a direct store of the franchise brand operated by the company. Whenever he ran into the female lead, he smiled brightly, perfectly matching the pastel-toned uniform. This must be the drama that others mentioned when talking about his image as a younger man.

He looked incredibly cute, smiling brightly in his uniform. Heetae wanted to take him home just like that. Sit him beside him and kiss him while taking off the uniform…

His thoughts stopped there again.

He remembered the night before last when he asked if he could stay awake. Was that his ‘signal’? Were there more? Probably. Actually, definitely.

He never thought he was insensitive to others’ signals. He thought he was just as aware as others. But with Ryu Sihyeon, it was always an exception. Everything was. It seemed like it was like that from the very beginning. He tried to think about why that was but didn’t… The drama ended while his thoughts floated around.

He needed to play something else.

Heetae searched the internet for other works of Ryu Sihyeon. There, he saw a new news article mentioning Ryu Sihyeon’s name.

‘Gi Yoonhyung—Ryu Sihyeon proves close friendship. Traveling together.’ That was the title. It was a recently posted article, and it contained a simple story about Gi Yoonhyung going on a trip with Ryu Sihyeon. Clearly, the bored journalist had lifted the photo and content directly from Gi Yoonhyung’s SNS. The photo was a solo shot of Gi Yoonhyung taken at the airport, presumably by Ryu Sihyeon.

For a brief moment, Heetae was slightly dumbfounded. How could he go on a trip when he was supposed to be immersing himself in a recluse role, not going out and not using his phone?

He chuckled helplessly, but he couldn’t blame anyone else. The last person he saw was not Ryu Sihyeon preparing for a role but just the human Ryu Sihyeon. It was Heetae himself who pulled Ryu Sihyeon out of his role and back into being just Ryu Sihyeon. A contradiction of sorts.

Heetae entered Ryu Sihyeon’s SNS account listed on the portal site, but there was no mention of the trip. The latest post was after the drama ended. There was a long post along with a solo photo taken by someone else. That was it. It was obvious that the account was managed by the company. He doubted if Ryu Sihyeon was even aware of the account’s existence.

Heetae stared quietly at Ryu Sihyeon’s face on the phone screen. A clean face with almost no makeup and a smiling expression. It was a familiar look, as it was how he usually looked when showing manners in front of others. Still, it was pleasant. Seeing this made him miss not the acting Ryu Sihyeon but just Ryu Sihyeon.

However, he couldn’t see him right away. Since Ryu Sihyeon had gone on a trip, he couldn’t meet him, nor had he taken any photos. Should he have taken a picture when drying Ryu Sihyeon’s hair? Now what? In fact, he didn’t even know where he had traveled to.

Should he find out the flight number?

Just as he was about to contact his father, the CEO of GT Airlines, he remembered that he had something.

There were a few photos of Ryu Sihyeon. Heetae chose to search his phone rather than become a stalker. He quickly found a few photos of Ryu Sihyeon that he had saved a while ago. They were given to him by Yeo Juhui.

There were ten photos, all showing him smiling with a coffee in hand. It was nice to see him not acting in a role for once. The smiling faces made him like the photos even more. After looking at them, he wondered what kind of coffee it was and why he didn’t drink coffee at home. He naturally assumed that Gi Yoonhyung must have many such photos, showing his everyday, personal side.

He looked through the photos on Gi Yoonhyung’s SNS. Sometimes, there were photos of Ryu Sihyeon, smiling softly at the camera. It was different from the smiles he showed on variety programs, more akin to the recent look he had seen. Like a calm water surface. Was Ryu Sihyeon used to Gi Yoonhyung taking photos of him? The friend who said the perfume didn’t suit Ryu Sihyeon was probably Gi Yoonhyung. He was only used to seeing this side of Ryu Sihyeon and couldn’t imagine another side.

Thinking that far made him anxious. ‘I’m sorry.’ That’s what Ryu Sihyeon said to Gi Yoonhyung. What was he sorry about? What was their relationship?

He didn’t want Ryu Sihyeon to meet Gi Yoonhyung, but he had no right to feel that way. They weren’t anything to each other. At least Gi Yoonhyung was a friend, but Seo Heetae wasn’t anything. He wasn’t even a good senior.

Knowing he had no right, Gi Yoonhyung still bothered him. He knew the door lock code and visited him even at dawn when worried. Were they just friends?

Heetae searched Ryu Sihyeon’s filmography on his phone again. The work they had appeared in together was a web drama filmed before Ryu Sihyeon won the Rookie Award at the film festival, when he was an unknown. He found it and played it, seeing a much younger Ryu Sihyeon. The screen was crude, and the direction was poor, but it was more watchable than expected.

In that work, Ryu Sihyeon played the friend of the protagonist, Gi Yoonhyung. Gi Yoonhyung appeared in almost every scene Ryu Sihyeon was in. Heetae stared intently at Ryu Sihyeon interacting with Gi Yoonhyung. To the young Ryu Sihyeon on screen, probably only twenty-one years old, he continuously asked:

How did you become friends with Gi Yoonhyung?

Did you act like a different person after the work ended?

Did you have depression back then?

Did you also want to go to university back then? You could have gone with acting. Did you ever think about it?

Even though he knew more about Ryu Sihyeon, he still had questions. No, there were even more questions now.

Did he say it was wrong from the beginning? Funny thing, he had thought similarly before. That it might be better not to meet at all. But now it was the opposite. He wanted to know Ryu Sihyeon from back then. It would have been better if he had known him earlier, perhaps when he was filming that drama or even earlier.

It felt like all his defenses had crumbled. He couldn’t stop the endless thoughts and ultimately had to acknowledge them. He was captivated by his own emotions, emotions he couldn’t even define. He had never experienced something like this, so he didn’t know how to respond appropriately. In a vague situation where getting closer was scary but the attraction was irresistible, he had made wrong choices.

Ryu Sihyeon didn’t need him. He said he didn’t like Seo Heetae that much. Chewing on that thought made him feel sick. So, how much and in what way did he like Seo Heetae? Or was everything a lie? It was a question he had consciously avoided before but now desperately wanted an answer to.

On the other hand, Seo Heetae needed Ryu Sihyeon. He no longer wanted walls or gaps between them. His unconscious mind had already crossed that line. Now his conscious mind was catching up.

For the first time, Heetae realized he was moving. He was shedding the stillness-defined Seo Heetae, who always lived within set boundaries.

It all began with the awareness of his emotions.

He liked Ryu Sihyeon. In fact, he had liked him for some time now. It was an undeniable, fundamental truth about himself.