AA Chapter 9 || Episodes

Perhaps that was meant to sound like a compliment, Tennessee thought as he wrapped his arm around Amber’s neck. It was after he had finished his walk and returned to the hospital room. Amber naturally locked his wheelchair in place and moved close. The area around Amber’s neck was very hot.

When Tennessee put his arm around the hot nape of Amber’s neck, Amber’s hands touched his back and waist. Amber slowly lifted Tennessee into an embrace. Their breaths shattered into pieces against each other’s ears.

Amber gave a puzzled look when he felt Tennessee’s gaze. Tennessee closed his lips. If only this damn problem to recognize faces would get better. Tennessee tried to break free from the embrace while pushing against the strong arms. He then swallowed a groan.

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“Are you sure you’re feeling alright?”

The difference between having morphine and not was a very significant one. Sometimes Tennessee’s face would turn pale from pain. His jaw line would become pronounced from clenching his teeth so hard, and his fists would be squeezed until the joints turned white. There was nothing Amber could do. Although he was using other painkillers, they had limits.

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“…I should sleep.”

Tennessee touched his forehead and lowered his body.

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While Tennessee had his eyes closed, Amber examined his palm. The palm, marked with distinct nail prints, was full of calluses and scars.

“Tennessee.”

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Having taken sleeping pills, Tennessee fell asleep faster than when Amber was usually by his side, so he didn’t respond to Amber’s call. Even while sleeping, there was a faint wrinkle between his brows, as if he was still in pain.

It happened when Amber moved his fingers, tracing the nail marks with his thumb. Tennessee’s fingers suddenly straightened and gripped Amber’s hand with brutal force. It was a brute movement, like a beast’s fangs or an eagle’s talons. Startled by the shock and pain, Amber sat up. The pain was excruciating. Tennessee gripped him as if hanging off a cliff.

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“Tennessee!”

At Amber’s shout, Tennessee’s blue eyes flew open.

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Like magic, the grip instantly loosened.

“Tennessee?”

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Amber called out to him while shaking his fingers in pain. It really felt like the bones in his fingers were broken. Tennessee suddenly sat up and covered his forehead with his palm. Though it was just a moment, Tennessee’s forehead was drenched in cold sweat.

Hiding his injured hand behind his back, Amber lowered himself. Tennessee hadn’t properly regained his senses.

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“Where is this?”

“The hospital.”

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“It’s noisy, just be quiet for a moment.”

Amber couldn’t continue speaking in the completely silent hospital room. Tennessee covered his ears with both hands. He bowed his head deeply and breathed heavily.

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“Turn that off.”

“What thing?”

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“The TV.”

Amber looked toward the TV that had been off and dead black for a while. They had rarely turned it on as Tennessee hated the noise. Tennessee said he could clearly hear gunshots coming from somewhere.

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“…Tennessee.”

Swallowing his trembling breath, Amber called out to him blankly.

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Chronic insomnia, inability to relax, nightmares, tinnitus, auditory hallucinations. Tennessee’s condition wasn’t normal, and Amber had to accept this.

Surprisingly, when he regained consciousness a moment later, Tennessee didn’t remember what had happened.

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He persistently questioned Amber, who had returned with his index and middle fingers bandaged, staring intently at his fingers. Amber couldn’t tell him the truth. There was no playfulness in Tennessee’s tone when he asked if Amber was being bullied at university.

“I got hurt while playing sports, don’t worry.”

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“What sport?”

“Basketball. I got hit by the ball.”

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Although he didn’t quite believe it, Tennessee didn’t press further. Tennessee’s appearance, sitting with his back against the bed headboard, was peaceful. There was no trace of the recent intense emotion in his hands or movements as he opened his book.

It had been a brief moment, but Amber couldn’t forget it. He probably would never forget it. It felt like he had encountered the secret Tennessee had been hiding beneath his feet. It was as if he had seen a faint shadow beyond the steadfast Tennessee.

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He felt like crying right away. Yet at the same time, an undefinable anger welled up. At Tennessee, at himself, at everyone who had made him this way.

Why did it have to be like this? While watching Amber grow up, Tennessee hadn’t shown any sign of his own corrosion. He hadn’t said a word about the massive monster that was eating away at him and oxidizing him.

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Amber quietly exhaled while looking at Tennessee’s flesh that had been devoured by the monster. The pale cheeks, the eyes that had been rose-red, the revulsion or sympathy or grief he must have felt – Amber dared to imagine it all.

“Why are you crying?”

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Tennessee closed his book with a decisive movement, like bringing a knife down on a cutting board.

“…Because I’m still a child.”

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Because crying is all I know how to do. What should I do? What should I do about you?

Tennessee’s hand moved toward Amber’s fingers. From Amber’s tears just now, he seemed to sincerely believe that Amber was being bullied somewhere. His expression was calm, but he might be making a hit list in his mind. Amber burst into a weathered laugh. If he had to make an excuse, this was the first time he had cried since becoming an adult. Though the reason wasn’t much different from when he was young.

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“Tell me about Afghanistan.”

With tears still flowing down his cheeks, Amber asked while lowering his chin by Tennessee’s side.

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“Which part?”

“When you first went there.”

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“It’s not a good story.”

“Still. What did you do when you were a soldier?”

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“Sniper. Then I got reassigned.”

“Just tell me one thing you remember.”

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Tennessee chose his words carefully. His low voice contemplating with a “Hmm…” was like a lullaby. Amber buried his nose deep in the bed sheet.

The relationship where he had to unilaterally rely on Tennessee’s mercy to know about him hadn’t changed. As Amber got to know him only as much as Tennessee allowed, his throat became parched. Now that he knew about Tennessee’s monster, Amber groaned with his thoroughly dry throat.

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“Do you know what bacha posh is?”

Tennessee’s fingers touched the ends of Amber’s hair as he shook his head. Tennessee’s fingers tangled lightly, as if playing with an ornament.

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“It refers to girls wearing boys’ clothes and acting as boys. Because there are many restrictions on being female there.”

Tennessee’s touch was gentle as he continued speaking.

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“I only found out she was a girl after I killed her. ”

Amber looked up, startled.

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“I keep thinking about how many people I’ve killed had facts about them that I didn’t know.”

Children especially. In the blackened burnt villages, in the plains where missiles lit up the night sky like fireworks, in front of Afghanistan’s mountain ranges showing his white peaks.

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“I don’t have any other stories to tell besides things like this.”

Tennessee had heard countless times that he was just doing his job. That’s what the soldiers deployed there would say while chewing tobacco.

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Their job. Like constantly reminding themselves of rules, they kept stuffing those words into their ears. Ironically, Tennessee felt the most regret about killing when he was a soldier. After that, it somehow became like a tattoo done while drunk.

Not something to be proud of, but ultimately the mark of Cain he had to live with.

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“Tell me about the worst nightmare you’ve ever had.”

Amber pushed his head under Tennessee’s hand. The sight resembled a large dog acting cute.

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“Tell me about the most horrible experience you’ve been through.”

Then Amber propped up his chin and looked up. Tennessee had no immunity to this side of Amber.

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“Tell me about your hardest moment.”

I want to know everything about you.

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Sometimes Amber wanted to destroy Tennessee. He wanted to turn this noble and steadfast man into a worthless pile of stones and build him up again with his own hands. No one had told him what this emotion was. It was too stubborn and unsettling to be affection. Or maybe he wanted Tennessee to destroy him instead.

“Did something happen?”

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Amber stubbornly shook his head.

***

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Tennessee’s nightmares continued afterward.

Amber didn’t think Tennessee had deliberately hidden this from him all this time. During the time he had been by his side, Tennessee had slept deeply. Even if he had wanted to hide these symptoms, he wouldn’t have been able to in that state. So Amber guessed that these abnormal behaviors might have started recently.

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Tennessee breathed heavily while curled up. His hand was firmly intertwined with Amber’s. Tennessee squeezed so hard that the joints turned white from the blood draining. Although the interlocked fingers hurt so much he felt like they would be crushed, Amber still pressed close to Tennessee.

“Shh… It’s okay.”

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It felt like his fingers were broken. Although he wasn’t immediately violent, there was definitely something brutal about Tennessee’s abnormal behavior. He seemed like a creature barely alive after being washed ashore.

Even while calling out like that, Tennessee absolutely refused to look at Amber. He curled up and held his breath quietly as if dodging a shower of bullets. He pulled at his black hair while waiting for something, something that hadn’t even started, to end. And after breathing heavily several times, he would close his eyes.

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“…Amber.”

“Yes, I’m here.”

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The strength gradually left Tennessee’s grip as he exhaled sharply. When his rigid fingers loosened, Amber slowly pulled his hand away.

Tennessee’s shoulders flinched when Amber’s withdrawing fingers brushed against the back of his hand, but his breathing was becoming more stable. Amber rested his forehead against the occasionally trembling shoulders that were still hunched, as if asking for understanding.

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The trembling body calmed down before long. As the thoroughly stiff and tense body relaxed, Amber laid Tennessee down on his side. Then he looked down at his hand, feeling a dull pain.

From the finger joints to the palm, everything was red and swollen. His fingers were definitely broken. The other hand’s fingers were already broken as it was. How would he explain this to Tennessee?

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After covering Tennessee with a blanket, Amber wiped the cold sweat from his forehead.

Amber still hadn’t told Tennessee about his behavior. He hadn’t told anyone. Considering that Tennessee was in a hospital of all places, it was ironic.

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For Tennessee’s sake, he should tell the doctor right away. He needed some kind of examination or counseling or treatment, but what would happen after that? It felt like Tennessee would disappear again if he knew the truth.

The closer the distance got, the more Tennessee became wary. If he accidentally stepped on even his shadow, he would startle and vanish.

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Amber rested his chin on the bed and lowered his eyes. Tennessee was breathing regularly. Amber knew it was selfish, but he was afraid. He was so afraid that he absolutely couldn’t bring himself to speak.

It was horrifying just to imagine. Tennessee probably couldn’t imagine at all what Amber’s two years had been like. Tennessee probably lived well anywhere, anytime.

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What if he got abandoned again? He didn’t have confidence that he could properly survive.

Amber thought Tennessee wouldn’t know at all. He would only know the vague waiting and fatigue, but not his true nature.

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Good family, good school, good friends. Tennessee sometimes spoke as if a perfect environment created a perfect life. As if Amber’s life could instantly transform into something brilliant and flawless just because Elizabeth and David were there. Every time he acted like everything was resolved simply because of his foster parents’ presence, Amber had to suppress the urge to scream. He wanted to dare shout that he knew nothing.

For such a life, Amber needed him. He didn’t mind going back to that filthy room in Hurston as long as he was by Tennessee’s side.

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Why wouldn’t he understand?

Amber hadn’t struggled to survive these past two years for some grand reason. That was just an excuse, a justification. It was also a bit of respect for his own life. Now he was at his limit. Now there was no turning back.

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He hated seeing Tennessee suffer, but it gave him an intense pleasure when he depended on  him, when he was his only person. If only Tennessee would…

Burying his face in his palms, Amber swallowed the words of sorrow and anger that surged within him.

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Sometimes, he was disgusted by Tennessee, or rather, by himself, for making him this way.

***

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Tennessee’s gaze fell on Amber’s hands. Amber laughed awkwardly and hid his hands. It was a meaningless action, but still.

If he had questioned  him, he could have made excuses, but Tennessee just stared at his hands without saying anything. Last time it was just two fingers, but this time was different. As expected, three fingers were broken in a row. They said it was a very clean break. The x-ray showed his fingers so cleanly severed that even Amber was impressed.

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“It’s nothing.”

“Really?”

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His tone suggested he wanted to see what kind of lie he would tell. Amber decided to throw his family under the bus.

“I got hurt while playing with Annie and Cody. I was riding a dirt bike.”

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Tennessee merely raised an eyebrow with an unimpressed face at those words. He felt sorry for his sold-out siblings, but Tennessee was the priority right now.

“Right.”

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His tone suggested that it was clearly a hastily made-up lie.

Could it be PTSD? Amber was lost in thought as he read through the stack of books he had borrowed from the library. He had even considered asking Elizabeth. But there was a chance it would reach Tennessee’s ears, and more importantly, Elizabeth was a pediatrician.

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In the US, well over ten million people suffer from PTSD. Perhaps because of this, information was easy to find. There were even self-diagnostic questionnaires. Though there weren’t even twenty questions, it didn’t seem possible to make him take it without his knowledge. Yet he couldn’t just shove it in his face out of nowhere either.

Should I talk to the attending physician and ask for cooperation? Amber’s mind became a mess with all sorts of thoughts. Shoving the book into his bag, Amber headed to the hospital out of habit.

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Now home felt awkward. The hospital room where Tennessee waited – despite the crowds, the noise, and the atmosphere he just couldn’t get used to – Amber liked it there.

Amber’s gaze shifted to the clock. Tennessee would have just had lunch.

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[What did you eat?]

Amber sent a text while starting the car.

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After being hospitalized, Tennessee got a new phone. It wasn’t because of the accident.

The flip phone Tennessee used to carry around, which looked like a slightly large pebble, had an incredibly tenacious life span. It survived even that major accident perfectly intact. The condition was so good that the manufacturing company would have immediately put it in their advertisements if they knew. It was sturdy enough to be used as a weapon instead of a brick.

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But Amber immediately told him to throw away ‘that stupid ancient refrigerator.’ He didn’t care whether Tennessee used Nokia, Apple, or BlackBerry, but after hearing him say he didn’t reply to messages because it was ‘inconvenient,’ he couldn’t speak nicely about it.

No wonder he never responded to texts no matter how many he sent, only answering calls.

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Right then and there, Amber bought a smartphone and gave it to him as a gift. The moment Tennessee received the smartphone box, that time from the past flashed through both his minds. They looked at each other for a while before breaking into bland smiles.It was a peculiar understanding that didn’t need to be spoken aloud.

[Whatever food they gave me.]

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When asked what he ate, he said he ate what they gave him. Amber’s lips curled up involuntarily. Taking advantage of the red light, Amber moved his fingers.

[Should I bring you something?]

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[Beer]

[:(]

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[Cigarettes]

[:(]

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[If you’re not going to bring anything, why did you ask?]

[I’ll bring coffee instead. Be there soon :)]

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Tennessee, who was involuntarily (and somewhat voluntarily) in a non-smoking period, had been drinking coffee frequently these days. While caffeine wasn’t particularly good either, everyone agreed that coffee was better than cigarettes at least.

Putting down his phone, Amber turned the steering wheel smoothly. Though the sound was on, the phone remained quiet. Tennessee had always been a person of few words. It was no different with calls or texts.

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After driving for about 10 minutes, a notification sounded. Amber’s eyes glanced at the screen. It was Tennessee.

[Enchilada.]

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Grinning, Amber stared at the screen for a while. He had to start driving because impatient people were honking their horns, but the smile wouldn’t fade. It felt like Tennessee was speaking beside him.

[I’ll stop by Jalisco on the way.]

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Enchilada was Tennessee’s favorite Mexican food. He liked the enchiladas and enchilada casserole from restaurants called Jalisco and El Paso, and especially enjoyed the Mexican food he made for him. Despite Mexican cuisine being salty and spicy, which didn’t suit his taste, he ate it well. While he usually ate food at a constant speed and in moderate amounts, with enchiladas his fork would move notably faster and he ate more. Someone else would never have noticed these subtle differences in Tennessee’s behavior.

It felt like he was getting to know him better one step at a time.

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After buying an enchilada combo, a black coffee, and a Dr Pepper, Amber walked down the corridor whistling. Medical staff who recognized him greeted him. His steps were light. He must have looked so happy that everyone he met asked what had happened.

“It’s a nice day.”

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At Amber’s words, people looked up at the sky, which was rumbling as if it might thunder at any moment. Just then, lightning struck.

The reason people couldn’t make any remarks about the bad weather was because Amber looked way too happy.

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Enchilada, how cute. Amber thought as he crossed the corridor. Nice day? While people were all looking outside with dumbfounded expressions, it didn’t even register in Amber’s eyes.

So cute, Tennessee. Cool and cute and charming. You’re perfect.

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However, before he could properly savor Tennessee’s ‘cuteness,’ the smile disappeared from Amber’s face.

Amber frowned at the security guards standing in front of the hospital room.

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He had seen him before. Amber recalled that blonde kid.

Would you like a cup of tea? Oh that’s lovely! Amber’s face twisted as he mockingly imitated the British accent. Whether that kid was British nobility or royalty didn’t matter; to him, he was just an uninvited guest. That kid needed to realize he was being a nuisance and making unreasonable demands… Reflexively recalling his past self, Amber shook his head.

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After glaring at the security guards with irritated eyes, Amber opened the door. If they tried to stop him, he was ready to shove the hot enchilada down his throats. Though the guards weren’t at fault, he disliked this whole group, including that boy. Perhaps it was because they were on that kid’s side, trying to take Tennessee away, while he was on the side protecting him. Amber sighed.

Sure enough, his most precious person was in the hospital room. Amber spoke up, interrupting the young master who was busy trying to persuade him of something. Behind that boy stood an adult with an obviously uncomfortable expression, looking like a highly-paid nanny. Fucking annoying bastards.

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“Tennessee.”

Tennessee’s gaze pierced through. Under the three pairs of eyes, Amber headed to the table. He started unpacking what he had just bought.

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Rustle, rustle.

In the quiet hospital room, the awkward, bustling noise spread.

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The noble boy’s face gradually reddened.

Ahem. The man behind him cleared his throat. However, Amber paid no mind and instead busied himself even more, laying out a bunch of things on the table. Styrofoam containers, side dishes, disposable forks and knives wrapped in napkins. Rustle, rustle. He also took out the carbonated drink that came with the combo. Ahem. That sound was heard from somewhere again. But Amber’s face was like a solid iron plate.

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“Did you wait long? Sorry, there was traffic.”

Then Amber handed the black coffee he bought to Tennessee.

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“Is this your first cup?”

Tennessee shook his head as he received the coffee.

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“You already had some? How many cups?”

“Two.”

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That’s not good.

AHEM! The sound got louder.

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“Oh my, seems like you caught a cold.” Amber spoke with a deliberately oblivious smile. “There’s a patient here. If you’re feeling very unwell, please be considerate and leave the room.”

“My name is Edward. If you don’t mind-”

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“Tennessee, no! I’ll buy you a new one!”

Amber urgently called out, stopping Tennessee as he was bringing the coffee cup to his lips. Amber inwardly defended that he hadn’t intentionally cut off his words just now. What else could he do when Tennessee was trying to consume more caffeine after already having two cups of coffee?

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“I’ll buy you a decaf.”

“It’s fine.”

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“You said you already had two cups.”

Amber finally succeeded in taking the coffee from Tennessee’s hands. With words feigning kindness, saying he’d buy more so they should continue their conversation, Amber left the hospital room.

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He knew he was behaving like a child, but his jealousy was too much to handle.

If I got hurt, would Tennessee willingly throw himself to save me?

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Carelessly spilling the steaming black coffee, Amber let out a deep sigh. He turned his head toward the window. The weather was fucking awful.

When Amber returned with decaffeinated coffee, the uninvited guest had already disappeared and so was the room’s main occupant. Amber’s expression automatically hardened as his gaze turned to the table. Tennessee was sitting at the table. How on earth! How! How did he manage to get into the wheelchair by himself in his condition!

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He knows the café is right in front of the hospital, couldn’t he have waited just a little for me? Amber’s expression showed his troubled thoughts.

With rough movements, Amber set down the coffee. He pulled out a chair with ungentle hands, sat down, and crossed his arms. Silence flowed between them.

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Getting into the wheelchair alone was dangerous. For someone like Tennessee who wasn’t used to wheelchairs, it was even more dangerous. It was only possible because Amber always secured the wheelchair before leaving. It could result in serious injury if done wrong, yet Tennessee had gotten into the wheelchair by himself and made it to the table.

Amber’s expression couldn’t possibly be good.

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“Why are you angry?”

Wordlessly, Amber opened the styrofoam container and pushed the fork and knife toward Tennessee.

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“Don’t talk to me like you’re trying to calm me.”

Even though he knew it was a twisted thought, the words came out. He regretted it as soon as he said it, but the milk was already spilled.

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“When have you ever seen me calm anyone?”

That meant it wasn’t an attempt to calm him down but a genuine question, but to Amber it came across differently.

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“I’ve seen you calm people with a gun.”

Tennessee brushed off Amber’s sarcasm, used to it.

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“Next time, call me. You have a phone, don’t you?”

Silence descended again. Tennessee took out the Dr. Pepper from the bag and pushed it toward Amber. The cold surface of the can with beads of water forming on it touched his fingers. Amber’s tone softened considerably. It was because he thought he shouldn’t act like a child.

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“It’s dangerous to use the wheelchair alone. You know that.”

In that brief moment, Amber quickly formulated a thousand reasons. There’s a risk of falling, strain on the arms and shoulders, the IV needle could come loose…

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“Yeah.”

“The risk of fall—”

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Amber’s mouth, which had started running, shut down as if the battery had died.

Tennessee silently began eating. Amber’s lips quivered before eventually stopping.

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What should I do?

Anxiously tapping his knee with his fingers, Amber tried to regain his composure.

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I shouldn’t hug him, right? Would he get angry? Would I be flung away as if struck by a lion’s massive paw?

To Amber, the sight of Tennessee eating the enchiladas he had personally delivered was so cool, harmless, pretty and cute that it was unbearable. It was simply perfect. The best. He wanted to hug him tightly, kiss him with loud smacking sounds, and then kiss him deeply.

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But Amber knew how to value his own life. He valued it even more now that he had just started enjoying life by Tennessee’s side. He didn’t want to end up with a bullet hole in his forehead by pushing his luck.

Come to think of it, the weather is really nice today. How can Tennessee’s lips be so red and pretty while eating nachos?

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For quite some time, Amber was lost in Tennessee, unable to come to his senses, until he finally discovered that Tennessee was staring directly at him.

Why are you looking at me like that, Tennessee asked with his eyes. Amber didn’t realize it himself, but he was wearing an expression like a plump hen watching a baby chick eat, despite Tennessee being closer to a black panther that would chew a chick’s bones and all rather than a chick.

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Amber smiled broadly. Because I like you. But he couldn’t say those words.

Tennessee focused on his enchilada again. Amber, with a goofy golden retriever smile, watched him fondly for a while before finally regaining his full composure as a rational adult 30 minutes later.

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“Can I ask what it was about?”

“Same as last time.”

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“Work? Are you going to do it?”

“Got a lot of body bags to send?”

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Tennessee was serious. How could he work when he couldn’t recognize people? Even if his body had been perfectly fine, he didn’t feel much motivation to work. Tennessee thought that perhaps it was time to rest. Living in a quiet place, occasionally fishing or traveling—that kind of daily life wouldn’t be bad.

“There are plenty of people who can do it besides me. The pay is good too.”

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“But they want you specifically, don’t they?”

They must know there are many replacements available. But that probably doesn’t matter. Amber knew this feeling well.

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“Just because they want something doesn’t mean I have to comply. I’m not in a position where I have to go when called.”

“That’s true.”

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He hadn’t been wrong. Amber had clearly been jealous of that boy. At the same time, he worried that Tennessee, who was a softie in unexpected ways, might accept. But Tennessee cut it off decisively without even considering it. While Tennessee’s attitude was satisfying, it was also frightening. There was no guarantee that he wouldn’t be the one being rejected later.

Hadn’t he experienced it himself after all?

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***

That night, Amber woke to the faint sound of agonized moaning. A thin groaning sound came from somewhere. Amber hurriedly sat up. Tennessee was lying down with his face buried in his palms. Faint groans escaped between his teeth.

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It sounded like suppressed sobs, or desperate cries for help as if his breath might give out.

“Tennessee.”

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He should tell him, let him know, but he couldn’t bring himself to. In front of Tennessee, who was slightly trembling, Amber hesitated again. If he raised his voice now, people would come running to help Tennessee.

But Amber couldn’t do that.

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“Tennessee.”

In a soothing voice, Amber gently placed his hand on Tennessee’s shoulder. His body jerked. “Don’t be startled–” Before those words were finished, Amber was pulled by a rough hand. Tennessee had grabbed Amber’s wrist. His wrist stung.

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Amber barely managed to support himself before crashing hard into Tennessee’s body. He slowly lowered his body, supported by his elbow. Fortunately, there was enough space next to Tennessee to lie on his side. Amber turned his body carefully so as not to disturb Tennessee. Tennessee’s groans grew louder.

“It’s okay.”

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With a light gesture, Amber pulled him into an embrace. Patting his back, stroking his cold, sweaty shoulders, then pulling him closer. His neck, shoulders, and forehead were drenched in sweat.

“Come here.”

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Tennessee, whose entire body was stiff, showed no response. His trembling breath collided like a shout. Amber continued to stroke his back. Tennessee, who had flinched at first contact, began accepting Amber’s touch at some point. But just when his breathing seemed to calm, it would become rough again, and just when he seemed to be resting peacefully, Tennessee would repeat strange words.

“Light… turn off the light.”

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It was early dawn.

“There is no light, Tennessee.”

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“Off. My eyes hurt.”

“There’s nothing here.”

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Despite Amber’s efforts, Tennessee repeated such words like an incantation. Sometimes it was about lights, sometimes about sounds, and sometimes he would just murmur vaguely for things to stop. Amber pulled him closer again. He wrapped Tennessee, who never relaxed his tension even in his arms. He bound him tightly as if hiding him from the Creator’s sight.

“Light…”

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“There’s nothing here.”

When Amber said that, his shoulder was gripped roughly. Amber, who almost groaned in pain, firmly closed his lips.

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“Is it off?”

“Yes.”

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There had been several irregular episodes before, but Tennessee had never properly responded to Amber’s words. But today was different. “See? There’s nothing here. Tennessee, it’s okay. Don’t be in pain.”

Every time he continued to say such words, the strength in Tennessee’s grip slowly loosened.

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“Look, it’s pitch dark.”

He stroked Tennessee’s hair, which was soaked in sweat. Amber whispered in a lowered voice. During episodes, Tennessee was sensitive to touch and noise. If there was even a slightly loud sound or a hurried movement, he simply couldn’t calm down.

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How long had they been like that? Amber watched as Tennessee’s hand, which had been gripping his shoulder, fell weakly.

“…Thank you.”

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It was a small expression of gratitude. Feeling like he might burst into tears, Amber forced a smile. His voice was cracked.

“You’re welcome.”

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Amber answered, keeping his body close enough to touch Tennessee with just enough space between them. Thank you, he says. A thank you for turning off lights that weren’t there.