AA Chapter 9 || Episodes

Perhaps that was cfe5497193 meant to sound 4cae001be0 like a compliment, Tennessee thought as he wrapped his arm around Amber’s neck. It was after he had finished his walk and returned to the hospital room. Amber naturally locked his wheelchair in place and moved close. The area around Amber’s neck was very hot.b441696faa57b2d3

When Tennessee put his arm around the hot nape of Amber’s neck, Amber’s hands touched his back and waist. Amber slowly lifted Tennessee into an embrace. Their breaths shattered into pieces against each other’s ears.42cb97fe189ce672

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Amber gave a puzzled look when he felt Tennessee’s gaze. Tennessee closed his lips. If only this 77b1a3a3fd damn problem to 70bbd3ef1c recognize faces would 245bae0035 get better.Tennessee tried to break 2dae729212 free from the embrace 07d6caeb7b while pushing against the 15adfc530b strong arms. He then cbf5553538 swallowed a 64ff5155ce groan.cb699382754efe06

“Are you sure you’re feeling alright?”64d86eaab4e5d6ca

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The difference between having morphine and not was a very significant one. Sometimes Tennessee’s face would turn pale from pain. His jaw line would become pronounced from clenching his teeth so hard, and his fists would be squeezed until the joints turned white. There was nothing Amber could do. Although he was using other painkillers, they had limits.ca5ba5837bc90168

“…I should sleep.”aff92936155d9a97

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Tennessee touched his forehead 4d8ce7cd4f and lowered his body.d087d37d66fe2e6e

While Tennessee had c41386edda his eyes closed, a585fa8575 Amber examined his 4698492f8a palm. The palm, marked 520670d921 with distinct nail 262a01aa1c prints, was full 09bf45c8b1 of calluses and 4d301f45c5 scars.433e5dc125a69cf7

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“Tennessee.”0f60a4679baa58c2

Having taken sleeping pills, Tennessee fell asleep faster than when Amber was usually by his side, so he didn’t respond to Amber’s call. Even while sleeping, there was a faint wrinkle between his brows, as if he was still in pain.4a6ce933e6da0338

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It happened when Amber moved his fingers, tracing the nail marks with his thumb. Tennessee’s fingers suddenly straightened and gripped Amber’s hand with brutal force. It was a brute movement, like a beast’s fangs or an eagle’s talons. Startled by the shock and pain, Amber sat up. The pain was excruciating. Tennessee gripped him as if hanging off a cliff.7ddbece8e527a600

“Tennessee!”57ea7ef40e282388

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At Amber’s shout, Tennessee’s blue eyes flew open.44e0cf60373a16d2

Like magic, the dea9239b60 grip instantly loosened.a59cd0abadf048c4

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“Tennessee?”11b78c3ace3a8a59

Amber called out to him while shaking his fingers in pain. It really felt like the bones in his fingers were broken. Tennessee suddenly sat up and covered his forehead with his palm. Though it was just a moment, Tennessee’s forehead was drenched in cold sweat.aa98ef3bbe9b25ab

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Hiding his injured hand behind his back, Amber lowered himself. Tennessee hadn’t properly regained his senses.f1480f7a40048713

“Where is this?”7bd57dff20f7a538

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“The hospital.”6d02ffb338723731

“It’s noisy, just be quiet for a moment.”14e9024cf007b617

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Amber couldn’t continue speaking in the completely silent hospital room. Tennessee covered his ears with both hands. He bowed his head deeply and breathed heavily.0e042e194041a459

“Turn that off.”006f737533f4bd49

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“What thing?”b832aa04b7102940

“The TV.”b3a13b36245d1171

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Amber looked 041d1f4dce toward the 32289e1e1f TV that fc3895bc45 had been 01e803d207 off and 9dc66a3096 dead black d063c165b6 for a 8a3fd24e30 while. They had rarely turned 30ffb5c4af it on as Tennessee 9ea51462d0 hated the noise. Tennessee said 379a4a9046 he could de7030b84a clearly hear 61a9840a54 gunshots coming cd72eafd3b from somewhere.1173de925f32a19f

“…Tennessee.”fdec86f914369e09

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Swallowing his b307ea9207 trembling breath, a1725384ef Amber called 0980722fca out to f7dd6f1cb4 him blankly.21a79d107e267326

Chronic insomnia, inability to relax, nightmares, tinnitus, auditory hallucinations. Tennessee’s condition wasn’t normal, and Amber had to accept this.281a40514e0254c9

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Surprisingly, when he regained consciousness a moment later, Tennessee didn’t remember what had happened.0b8e1516869a162f

He persistently questioned Amber, who had returned with his index and middle fingers bandaged, staring intently at his fingers. Amber couldn’t tell him the truth. There was no playfulness in Tennessee’s tone when he asked if Amber was being bullied at university.5c82b4273b52a951

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“I got hurt while playing sports, don’t worry.”d3015081fa736476

“What sport?”eb52d49f813ee024

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“Basketball. I got hit by the ball.”cdb2747367c31218

Although he didn’t quite believe it, Tennessee didn’t press further. Tennessee’s appearance, sitting with his back against the bed headboard, was peaceful. There was no trace of the recent intense emotion in his hands or movements as he opened his book.e6131b65c335ef04

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It had been a brief moment, but Amber couldn’t forget it. He probably would never forget it. It felt like he had encountered the secret Tennessee had been hiding beneath his feet. It was as if he had seen a faint shadow beyond the steadfast Tennessee.c2cb4c2778a0667f

He felt f3dadb9006 like crying ffb15bed71 right away. Yet at acb9397c06 the same b86fc6a66e time, an 8007ba56d8 undefinable anger c48fc57fe8 welled up. At Tennessee, 1d7ef64e93 at himself, 2dc0fd2885 at everyone 6f27d058f2 who had 313b224cf2 made him 5f6d259a8a this way.2ddad6ee28cd690f

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Why did it have to be like this? While watching Amber grow up, Tennessee hadn’t shown any sign of his own corrosion. He hadn’t said a word about the massive monster that was eating away at him and oxidizing him.e0b404d7a7440909

Amber quietly exhaled while looking at Tennessee’s flesh that had been devoured by the monster. The pale cheeks, the eyes that had been rose-red, the revulsion or sympathy or grief he must have felt – Amber dared to imagine it all.40b4962b01c80f37

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“Why are you crying?”be7b3297b11c6176

Tennessee closed his book 0800561bf4 with a decisive movement, 20b6230b59 like bringing a knife 8c16834d3d down on a cutting c7df8f0243 board.be20505975b69574

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“…Because I’m still a child.”b14336ca8e452a5a

Because crying is 9714220541 all I know 605ffe4b57 how to do. What should I do? What should 9741d9e0b8 I do e06bca3abc about you?a732249b2ad989cb

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Tennessee’s hand moved toward Amber’s fingers. From Amber’s tears just now, he seemed to sincerely believe that Amber was being bullied somewhere. His expression was calm, but he might be making a hit list in his mind. Amber burst into a weathered laugh. If he had to make an excuse, this was the first time he had cried since becoming an adult. Though the reason wasn’t much different from when he was young.db12212532794811

“Tell me about Afghanistan.”c932002d873e6eb5

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With tears still flowing down his cheeks, Amber asked while lowering his chin by Tennessee’s side.09f19744161a5ef1

“Which part?”9ef859fae63effda

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“When you first went there.”a7bc50a39f930f89

“It’s not a good story.”545022d5e5030921

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“Still. What did you do when you were a soldier?”ae13e2b3c5b76445

“Sniper. Then I got reassigned.”70dc32e9457dda46

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“Just tell me one thing you remember.”6df4ccf83e3b8600

Tennessee chose his words carefully. His low voice contemplating with a “Hmm…” was like a lullaby. Amber buried his nose deep in the bed sheet.e5abf689200f1f8d

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The relationship where he had to unilaterally rely on Tennessee’s mercy to know about him hadn’t changed. As Amber got to know him only as much as Tennessee allowed, his throat became parched. Now that he knew about Tennessee’s monster, Amber groaned with his thoroughly dry throat.7f1c9860a5cb7e0b

“Do you know what bacha posh is?”ab531c59f2602813

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Tennessee’s fingers touched the ends of Amber’s hair as he shook his head. Tennessee’s fingers tangled lightly, as if playing with an ornament.052acfdad07c9303

“It refers to girls wearing boys’ clothes and acting as boys. Because there are many restrictions on being female there.”4010dc6721043643

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Tennessee’s touch was gentle as he continued speaking.de53fa02513587ba

“I only found out she was a girl after I killed her. ”8e2d99b73920b9f7

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Amber looked up, b4a8372d1e startled.d70d9fc399024e81

“I keep thinking about how many people I’ve killed had facts about them that I didn’t know.”7bee0257517672f9

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Children especially. In the blackened burnt villages, in the plains where missiles lit up the night sky like fireworks, in front of Afghanistan’s mountain ranges showing his white peaks.4b495ce889811ed1

“I don’t have any other stories to tell besides things like this.”c571bbe4f23c7a7d

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Tennessee had heard countless times that he was just doing his job. That’s what the soldiers deployed there would say while chewing tobacco.d384a8d548bcb2b9

Their job. Like constantly reminding f04cf52f9d themselves of rules, 4cc47dd238 they kept stuffing b85b47be85 those words into 8a14d353ef their ears. Ironically, Tennessee felt 07ed624951 the most regret d663ded745 about killing when ce10a4ddd9 he was a e0ca2f5329 soldier. After that, e55d6116ef it somehow e7181857f1 became like 3a5db1cf6e a tattoo e62e709d88 done while 8c8ec828a8 drunk.d37691d18f9516fa

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Not something to 06056cbfce be proud of, 946ab3f2e5 but ultimately the 884cef283f mark of Cain 6e384d1b33 he had to be117c57a3 live with.5df812546bef3584

“Tell me about the worst nightmare you’ve ever had.”52bf3b4a05995789

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Amber pushed his head under Tennessee’s hand. The sight resembled a large dog acting cute.0fa1f1ce2ea634a8

“Tell me about the most horrible experience you’ve been through.”d67f94b592c3cb42

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Then Amber propped 0999fe81d7 up his chin 601db86a53 and looked up. Tennessee had 4a65bc5f67 no immunity 24b3ef957a to this 9ef4389ef2 side of c99b398262 Amber.c8e8338d9aa4676c

“Tell me about your hardest moment.”6c7685c6e0392e47

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I want to know faff0bf928 everything about you.41ec9c9192e6180e

Sometimes Amber 7a3270c40f wanted to 23526026c6 destroy Tennessee. He wanted a9f3979c0d to turn d6753e7424 this noble f356c3455b and steadfast 8bd1c2afbf man into e41c8ae911 a worthless 77b4875b3c pile of 6b11170d3c stones and ceb009ecfc build him 808655adda up again c26e4fb45a with his 7dc3e6a617 own hands. No one bdc8e6328f had told fec4208142 him what 8cf755ab82 this emotion 272703f80b was. It was too stubborn 136ccb61a7 and unsettling to be 6f518674e8 affection. Or maybe he wanted 1e6452a4ba Tennessee to destroy him 8558e28463 instead.ea2840f7de283e27

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“Did something happen?”8a03103bc6c995dc

Amber stubbornly 469ab50dd9 shook his 8796ce58c6 head.d505a4905c837c8c

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***71afd979e6518935

Tennessee’s nightmares continued afterward.1746faeddf74c145

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Amber didn’t think Tennessee had deliberately hidden this from him all this time. During the time he had been by his side, Tennessee had slept deeply. Even if he had wanted to hide these symptoms, he wouldn’t have been able to in that state. So Amber guessed that these abnormal behaviors might have started recently.f8b49b517718bd53

Tennessee breathed heavily while curled up. His hand was firmly intertwined with Amber’s. Tennessee squeezed so hard that the joints turned white from the blood draining. Although the interlocked fingers hurt so much he felt like they would be crushed, Amber still pressed close to Tennessee.7612dab95b52aecb

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“Shh… It’s okay.”4fc1ae631b5871c2

It felt like his fingers were broken. Although he wasn’t immediately violent, there was definitely something brutal about Tennessee’s abnormal behavior. He seemed like a creature barely alive after being washed ashore.fd4749e317a6cfbd

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Even while calling out like that, Tennessee absolutely refused to look at Amber. He curled up and held his breath quietly as if dodging a shower of bullets. He pulled at his black hair while waiting for something, something that hadn’t even started, to end. And after breathing heavily several times, he would close his eyes.76aae0b4a3e1b4dc

“…Amber.”036920193ed1bd0d

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“Yes, I’m here.”763a63477c19806e

The strength gradually left Tennessee’s grip as he exhaled sharply. When his rigid fingers loosened, Amber slowly pulled his hand away.e4d158685553cbf5

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Tennessee’s shoulders flinched when Amber’s withdrawing fingers brushed against the back of his hand, but his breathing was becoming more stable. Amber rested his forehead against the occasionally trembling shoulders that were still hunched, as if asking for understanding.c5d6d16c13f15df3

The trembling 40a07b6455 body calmed 789ca17fbb down before 440c1ca8c0 long. As the a949d52b49 thoroughly stiff 347f996131 and tense 108a50f33b body relaxed, 9c48653230 Amber laid b9353a1f42 Tennessee down 5f2507b08e on his c73f56e796 side. Then he looked down 3df5d1c9e5 at his hand, feeling 1b59f277c4 a dull pain.887515c35b739332

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From the finger joints to the palm, everything was red and swollen. His fingers were definitely broken. The other hand’s fingers were already broken as it was. How would he explain this to Tennessee?27ffc6a10dca7528

After covering Tennessee with 4dfd933260 a blanket, Amber wiped 51e4f4241a the cold sweat from 468c8dce8a his forehead.45ce53bd7e82304e

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Amber still hadn’t told Tennessee about his behavior. He hadn’t told anyone. Considering that Tennessee was in a hospital of all places, it was ironic.08e8a3521dc955ea

For Tennessee’s sake, he should tell the doctor right away. He needed some kind of examination or counseling or treatment, but what would happen after that? It felt like Tennessee would disappear again if he knew the truth.bb40a00837b003d9

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The closer b8e4f02f4c the distance e2da0c21a9 got, the d7f30367ae more Tennessee 1b8402a738 became wary. If he accidentally stepped 0a6d3dbd8a on even his shadow, 71ec7d158e he would startle and 0a7ee8756d vanish.f52a0845ae4e6483

Amber rested his chin on the bed and lowered his eyes. Tennessee was breathing regularly. Amber knew it was selfish, but he was afraid. He was so afraid that he absolutely couldn’t bring himself to speak.2d9f827df96b82d7

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It was horrifying just to imagine. Tennessee probably couldn’t imagine at all what Amber’s two years had been like. Tennessee probably lived well anywhere, anytime.24184794efac3d93

What if he got abandoned again? He didn’t have confidence that he could properly survive.a333174b036d721a

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Amber thought Tennessee wouldn’t know at all. He would only know the vague waiting and fatigue, but not his true nature.0df45210030004d1

Good family, good school, good friends. Tennessee sometimes spoke as if a perfect environment created a perfect life. As if Amber’s life could instantly transform into something brilliant and flawless just because Elizabeth and David were there. Every time he acted like everything was resolved simply because of his foster parents’ presence, Amber had to suppress the urge to scream. He wanted to dare shout that he knew nothing.060b0374b6ae1206

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For such a life, Amber needed him. He didn’t mind going back to that filthy room in Hurston as long as he was by Tennessee’s side.9fd7d00e0e82206d

Why wouldn’t he understand?7696d4dc4ba8395c

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Amber hadn’t struggled to survive these past two years for some grand reason. That was just an excuse, a justification. It was also a bit of respect for his own life. Now he was at his limit. Now there was no turning back.1f96df1298abcef5

He hated 22a13dec09 seeing Tennessee 2677e7dd51 suffer, but b96d3b9830 it gave d5f7f23db0 him an 6b0034ab10 intense pleasure db7f49c9ed when he dae8b819fd depended on  671fd03e41 him, when 585f9686b3 he was 9f001e93d0 his only c0c262ccc9 person.If only Tennessee would…b30142946f6d8b1c

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Burying his face in c2409971fa his palms, Amber swallowed d63da5321d the words of sorrow 01073adb69 and anger that surged b06821790f within him.e667dc05a3b2a6fb

Sometimes, he was 5c5faa299d disgusted by Tennessee, b2fd8ac8a3 or rather, by 989bde2779 himself, for making 954e7ed1d6 him this way.ba09141e208df58a

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***d3dd76563ef8dd45

Tennessee’s gaze fell on Amber’s hands. Amber laughed awkwardly and hid his hands. It was a meaningless action, but still.84928ee4c57b7ce6

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If he 38eb0c183a had questioned  49d304fc4d him, he 8748b1c381 could have 25dcac9f02 made excuses, 07d3aa3d26 but Tennessee aac89c0453 just stared 44610a1466 at his e81174c677 hands without 15842a379d saying anything. Last time cc96e5f6a5 it was 06a4887b10 just two 0d1d8090f9 fingers, but c96d6919e7 this time da17e9545a was different. As expected, 75ea0cbd15 three fingers c9f929d1d4 were broken 50d77939da in a a2bab4e1d0 row. They said 30e225dcbd it was 2e0683f7ee a very 4b745b65e5 clean break. The x-ray 4fe6c0c156 showed his 85c7fee3ab fingers so e217c2c8c2 cleanly severed 338ada8fe6 that even 08f1cccc53 Amber was 6b8d1ce22b impressed.1cacfde8838a242a

“It’s nothing.”4e945e0903616f4e

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“Really?”e20deb78af6ab36c

His tone suggested he a65e0254f3 wanted to see what a2b91aea6d kind of lie he d16cfd84c4 would tell. Amber decided dd9c9385af to throw bf8fea68ee his family 3e388f417b under the 33802f7583 bus.966e7ad4ef9f8adc

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“I got hurt while playing with Annie and Cody. I was riding a dirt bike.”5b6ce616b5830b2e

Tennessee merely db080b689a raised an 3de3c50d11 eyebrow with dbf6c5c17d an unimpressed 5c8db8c6a4 face at a627e45456 those words. He felt sorry bdbdde9aee for his sold-out 79bc631cde siblings, but Tennessee 89afd7e81c was the priority cc92aded84 right now.369e936d5e374b4e

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“Right.”84b5645b202c2642

His tone suggested a93b369cdf that it was 75835a5229 clearly a hastily ea94b07726 made-up lie.7cdfefa51bb6402b

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Could it be 9b9813d895 PTSD? Amber was lost in thought as he read through the stack of books he had borrowed from the library. He had even considered asking Elizabeth. But there was a chance it would reach Tennessee’s ears, and more importantly, Elizabeth was a pediatrician.a7ff4caf1e811e27

In the US, well over ten million people suffer from PTSD. Perhaps because of this, information was easy to find. There were even self-diagnostic questionnaires. Though there weren’t even twenty questions, it didn’t seem possible to make him take it without his knowledge. Yet he couldn’t just shove it in his face out of nowhere either.f7386164eb141d08

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Should I talk to 2796b11a44 the attending physician and 786e303c65 ask for cooperation? Amber’s mind became a mess with all sorts of thoughts. Shoving the book into his bag, Amber headed to the hospital out of habit.fa8beba04e42c702

Now home felt awkward. The hospital room where Tennessee waited – despite the crowds, the noise, and the atmosphere he just couldn’t get used to – Amber liked it there.e791558a1f8617e3

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Amber’s gaze shifted to the clock. Tennessee would have just had lunch.d1e0a7984d295e3e

[What did you eat?]

Amber sent a text c35bfa16bc while starting the car.6a82f51cecab75d6

After being hospitalized, Tennessee got a new phone. It wasn’t because of the accident.bcfe9215bb2284ae

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The flip phone 8e233251d7 Tennessee used to 0f946bcc97 carry around, which 370a2c1bbd looked like a 23a622b32c slightly large pebble, f9b9625959 had an incredibly 94dcfd29b2 tenacious life span. It survived 5e6b1d18ac even that 56bad61df7 major accident 53df97cd82 perfectly intact. The condition cd8d7cd30d was so f76823d546 good that f3f37dfacf the manufacturing 1df8354e68 company would 9f15b6845d have immediately e1d68cd8b6 put it 1279159923 in their 600a47c8e3 advertisements if b7a8aae643 they knew. It was sturdy enough 4c5e0c77b0 to be used as 8b6fea6c3f a weapon instead of 2ff9f234eb a brick.acaf660fd4c2e4c6

But Amber immediately told him to throw away ‘that stupid ancient refrigerator.’ He didn’t care whether Tennessee used Nokia, Apple, or BlackBerry, but after hearing him say he didn’t reply to messages because it was ‘inconvenient,’ he couldn’t speak nicely about it.c21bfd9d4fb7fce9

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No wonder he f5d4dc940b never responded to 320e2d1f6d texts no matter 0a6a2c69a8 how many he f7240b69ce sent, only answering 41377610be calls.66e5b29224c9baef

Right then and there, 0c8ed9e365 Amber bought a smartphone 59d54d2a7c and gave it to 0367be32ca him as a gift. The moment aaaccd73ed Tennessee received acab1df21e the smartphone b74be8e53f box, that 8811a926bc time from 1c93435731 the past 364abf1002 flashed through 198e7d713f both his 02457e80a4 minds. They looked 289e303c7d at each 3e09ac2a5e other for 181545e9b6 a while da7c104389 before breaking 131f74e97d into blandsmiles.It was a peculiar understanding that didn’t need to be spoken aloud.98153d296fdca4b6

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[Whatever food they gave me.]

When asked what he ate, he said he ate what they gave him. Amber’s lips curled up involuntarily. Taking advantage of the red light, Amber moved his fingers.4b8646bd26424aca

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[Should I bring you something?]

[Beer]

[:(]

[Cigarettes]

[:(]

[If you’re not going to bring anything, why did you ask?]

[I’ll bring coffee instead. Be there soon :)]

Tennessee, who was involuntarily (and somewhat voluntarily) in a non-smoking period, had been drinking coffee frequently these days. While caffeine wasn’t particularly good either, everyone agreed that coffee was better than cigarettes at least.4108c89f007a6d93

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Putting down his a50c078fab phone, Amber turned f6e1fd446a the steering wheel a987e897bb smoothly. Though the 6ff0d8df9c sound was 7bb1deee13 on, the 2e9e67066c phone remained a84ad8f13b quiet. Tennessee had 4290a02e81 always been 8c9bfa2fa5 a person 1e9b2006bc of few 820eb641e2 words. It was no different e0a1cb6235 with calls or texts.611b233b5d2db558

After driving for about 10 minutes, a notification sounded. Amber’s eyes glanced at the screen. It was Tennessee.4aa4b1bfb5d16788

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[Enchilada.]

Grinning, Amber stared at the screen for a while. He had to start driving because impatient people were honking their horns, but the smile wouldn’t fade. It felt like Tennessee was speaking beside him.404b6a7ad48bc8ef

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[I’ll stop by Jalisco on the way.]

Enchilada was Tennessee’s favorite Mexican food. He liked the enchiladas and enchilada casserole from restaurants called Jalisco and El Paso, and especially enjoyed the Mexican food he made for him. Despite Mexican cuisine being salty and spicy, which didn’t suit his taste, he ate it well. While he usually ate food at a constant speed and in moderate amounts, with enchiladas his fork would move notably faster and he ate more. Someone else would never have noticed these subtle differences in Tennessee’s behavior.9a7e3d4fbf463695

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It felt like fb86d189cd he was getting 08d78fe779 to know him ba6fd17179 better one step 0946d60d0e at a time.7871af85dae537d7

After buying an enchilada c608bd2f25 combo, a black coffee, 4f8997a441 and a Dr Pepper, bea21a93c8 Amber walked down the 3513cd4dd6 corridor whistling. Medical staff who recognized 5359f9e912 him greeted him. His steps were light. He must 0d5cb39259 have looked 574d5e325f so happy 05dc205765 that everyone 6a6a7fe5fa he met c85570fb32 asked what 78c0f66b71 had happened.5d886a0838facf16

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“It’s a nice day.”c9db681c5b2491b6

At Amber’s words, people looked up at the sky, which was rumbling as if it might thunder at any moment. Just then, lightning struck.c426fbd99e24f688

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The reason people couldn’t make any remarks about the bad weather was because Amber looked way too happy.5e25eb371a36de8a

Enchilada, how cute.Amber thought as he defd850370 crossed the corridor.Nice day? While people were all looking outside with dumbfounded expressions, it didn’t even register in Amber’s eyes.2ab239dc2915fd90

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So cute, Tennessee. Cool and cute and e78a92b01e charming. You’re perfect.f1cc495dc12f0063

However, before he could properly savor Tennessee’s ‘cuteness,’ the smile disappeared from Amber’s face.d0e5f84911059a5a

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Amber frowned at the d5481c261f security guards standing in f4c76fd9b9 front of the hospital 386ad96363 room.9d8f43682cc13222

He had seen 7b9c575d61 him before. Amber recalled that 87510b7551 blonde kid.8d21d1b3bf9b531a

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Would you like a cup of tea? Oh that’s lovely! Amber’s face twisted as he mockingly imitated the British accent. Whether that kid was British nobility or royalty didn’t matter; to him, he was just an uninvited guest. That kid needed to realize he was being a nuisance and making unreasonable demands… Reflexively recalling his past self, Amber shook his head.71b9399e172f36dc

After glaring at the security guards with irritated eyes, Amber opened the door. If they tried to stop him, he was ready to shove the hot enchilada down his throats. Though the guards weren’t at fault, he disliked this whole group, including that boy. Perhaps it was because they were on that kid’s side, trying to take Tennessee away, while he was on the side protecting him. Amber sighed.252a8778346f7a03

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Sure enough, his f4eef2676e most precious person 9e11e2795c was in the 796e599ff7 hospital room. Amber spoke up, interrupting 4973019f64 the young master who c36246f05e was busy trying to 0670900104 persuade him of something. Behind that boy c3ba5156ab stood an adult 1e813413e1 with an obviously 76419d633a uncomfortable expression, looking 274cebdb9a like a highly-paid 2bae877414 nanny.Fucking annoying bastards.67fe90f3faec5ae1

“Tennessee.”739b6f9718fc2a79

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Tennessee’s gaze pierced through. Under the three pairs of eyes, Amber headed to the table. He started unpacking what he had just bought.467fba84c2a14e6f

Rustle, rustle.807a26cdabebca58

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In the quiet hospital bbdf9ae785 room, the awkward, bustling cdde3d7a59 noise spread.9262f5699e167d9c

The noble boy’s face gradually reddened.ccbd31e6e664955b

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Ahem.The man behind him 07795079b8 cleared his throat. However, Amber paid no bdd92b58a0 mind and instead busied b339d44736 himself even more, laying 58a7a8b6d1 out a bunch of b94b443947 things on the table. Styrofoam containers, side 99c3138f42 dishes, disposable forks 6559378138 and knives wrapped 940fb8d49b in napkins.Rustle, rustle.He also took out 7505b7fd23 the carbonated drink that 771f8bc398 came with the combo.Ahem. That sound was heard from somewhere again. But Amber’s face was like a solid iron plate.7e17e89197675e15

“Did you wait long? Sorry, there was traffic.”1ed792a13fa626ed

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Then Amber 0db612483b handed the 3a04a89b9a black coffee 41a15452c9 he bought 316df15a79 to Tennessee.7d6a1e4620429568

“Is this your first cup?”ac0f749d79947ead

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Tennessee shook cb51a293c3 his head f0b10cf374 as he e9ed921501 received the e0d2f37867 coffee.300582cbeecea0d5

“You already had some? How many cups?”b20e48379e8ebeb3

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“Two.”04c0742b3bced622

That’s not good.be9a625277d73631

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AHEM!The sound 0016c8b391 got louder.7eccba5544417cd7

“Oh my, seems like you caught a cold.” Amber spoke with a deliberately oblivious smile. “There’s a patient here. If you’re feeling very unwell, please be considerate and leave the room.”193cf14dcb12a6fe

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“My name is Edward. If you don’t mind-”4fef12ed9c8c3491

“Tennessee, no! I’ll buy you a new one!”232c2ecbc0679645

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Amber urgently called out, stopping Tennessee as he was bringing the coffee cup to his lips. Amber inwardly defended that he hadn’t intentionally cut off his words just now. What else could he do when Tennessee was trying to consume more caffeine after already having two cups of coffee?787bd4237b15156b

“I’ll buy you a decaf.”7136d29ebaad4c0b

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“It’s fine.”94c4d7f63ba63c60

“You said you already had two cups.”d62c6b93e5cb7475

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Amber finally succeeded in taking the coffee from Tennessee’s hands. With words feigning kindness, saying he’d buy more so they should continue their conversation, Amber left the hospital room.7913b012d582f50b

He knew he was 4bf9cd5e10 behaving like a child, 4c56c5c4e8 but his jealousy was a80cb03e81 too much to handle.752b448020aa3bad

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If I 30dede6617 got hurt, b1892962b8 would Tennessee 4bcacc7d1f willingly throw 3d47d4ae07 himself to 24e8cbb38f save me?79df59ad1c360d8e

Carelessly spilling 90e1a52d95 the steaming 03fec105ac black coffee, fd0d6d2b5f Amber let 679e0f26b0 out a a09a148034 deep sigh. He turned 9fe9214ae0 his head 0bf0cb3141 toward the 6068b0b4c9 window. The weather was fucking 60b8d2b08d awful.aa5160f4ab6b1095

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When Amber returned with decaffeinated coffee, the uninvited guest had already disappeared and so was the room’s main occupant. Amber’s expression automatically hardened as his gaze turned to the table. Tennessee was sitting at the table. How on earth! How! How did he manage 9bbbf7e5aa to get into the e83631863c wheelchair by himself in bea3a2d9b8 his condition!4006fded022b618a

He knows the café is right in front of the hospital, couldn’t he have waited just a little for me? Amber’s expression showed his troubled thoughts.22ecac1acb6f7fc0

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With rough movements, Amber 15a9b07938 set down the coffee. He pulled out 7712b8a8dc a chair with 44473f1a8c ungentle hands, sat 22815bb755 down, and crossed 9b27342e08 his arms. Silence flowed 3cec9c06f4 between them.55f310501b80e23e

Getting into the wheelchair alone was dangerous. For someone like Tennessee who wasn’t used to wheelchairs, it was even more dangerous. It was only possible because Amber always secured the wheelchair before leaving. It could result in serious injury if done wrong, yet Tennessee had gotten into the wheelchair by himself and made it to the table.9988192158c2c9bc

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Amber’s expression couldn’t possibly be good.a05107a05b5e79e3

“Why are you angry?”84d5e1a6551ade25

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Wordlessly, Amber a4d11fe211 opened the c945e41895 styrofoam container d1ec18c135 and pushed bdc45ce055 the fork 562e512c99 and knife fc5641c09d toward Tennessee.102fb48795426fdf

“Don’t talk to me like you’re trying to calm me.”0a6563ee47b0928a

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Even though he 6979ac08b1 knew it was ecc605f148 a twisted thought, a12f37c5c4 the words came 35915f921c out. He regretted it as 7d58ead763 soon as he said aaaef9ad9a it, but the milk 9015f3cd43 was already spilled.ba1e1ae8111584bd

“When have you ever seen me calm anyone?”6fc4d0c21e159ba0

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That meant it wasn’t an attempt to calm him down but a genuine question, but to Amber it came across differently.8127843448f4048a

“I’ve seen you calm people with a gun.”55ae0b7f79cc6509

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Tennessee brushed off Amber’s sarcasm, used to it.72a48af087ee8842

“Next time, call me. You have a phone, don’t you?”4508c3e4b92a0be1

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Silence descended again. Tennessee took out the Dr. Pepper from the bag and pushed it toward Amber. The cold surface of the can with beads of water forming on it touched his fingers. Amber’s tone softened considerably. It was because he thought he shouldn’t act like a child.fb3513177b77c52b

“It’s dangerous to use the wheelchair alone. You know that.”2612cb71776ce987

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In that brief moment, Amber quickly formulated a thousand reasons. There’s a risk of falling, strain on the arms and shoulders, the IV needle could come loose…77599101de464a35

“Yeah.”ca5dc5612c92b011

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“The risk of fall—”843b1d4cdc74c342

Amber’s mouth, which had started running, shut down as if the battery had died.a90b39e3f5fc3cdd

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Tennessee silently began eating. Amber’s lips quivered before eventually stopping.d8dde78b79024ae8

What should I 6faac95a1f do?cde0c66a3220c006

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Anxiously tapping his knee 0ff752fe4b with his fingers, Amber 0f397bc69f tried to regain his 89457186d2 composure.7ad27a8eae02e010

I shouldn’t hug him, right? Would he get angry? Would I be flung away as if struck by a lion’s massive paw?8241e1f73b95ea3c

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To Amber, the sight bc40361bcc of Tennessee eating the 931f5db732 enchiladas he had personally f6af357fdc delivered was so cool, 28e3a89f04 harmless, pretty and cute ea35ba4310 that it was unbearable. It was simply perfect. The best. He wanted to 61fbbe82ad hug him tightly, 28df61d880 kiss him with 1ce4af4014 loud smacking sounds, 42039403b4 and then kiss b9434e0215 him deeply.96bd84c1efba85e7

But Amber knew how to value his own life. He valued it even more now that he had just started enjoying life by Tennessee’s side. He didn’t want to end up with a bullet hole in his forehead by pushing his luck.3bd9e742cf5911bb

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Come to think of it, the weather is really nice today. How can Tennessee’s lips be so red and pretty while eating nachos?b1c71d62f2e6b074

For quite some def5921f06 time, Amber was a0025d0f4e lost in Tennessee, da6b2f39f8 unable to come 3a4299ec53 to his senses, 3658d41f2e until he finally b41ec1c529 discovered that Tennessee f025cedff6 was staring directly deeaf0a62e at him.ba5454130ee57f2b

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Why are you 4c54966d37 looking at me 43d35790de like that, Tennessee asked with his eyes. Amber didn’t realize it himself, but he was wearing an expression like a plump hen watching a baby chick eat, despite Tennessee being closer to a black panther that would chew a chick’s bones and all rather than a chick.7c386149809f9068

Amber smiled broadly.Because I df6dbb7c4a like you. But he couldn’t say those words.d9af0159ed8e3ac4

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Tennessee focused on e1595ccb58 his enchilada again. Amber, with a goofy b6e18b2b80 golden retriever smile, watched 1030277024 him fondly for a 952ce4fdd3 while before finally regaining 7e5dd9b027 his full composure as b9d0b84f82 a rational adult 30 7e265fea1e minutes later.024586b8cc478c19

“Can I ask what it was about?”90206aef0bc23d4d

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“Same as last time.”75634da789658f6a

“Work? Are you going to do it?”01ca4b57e2563db9

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“Got a lot of body bags to send?”6094b3f289d78de8

Tennessee was serious. How could he work when he couldn’t recognize people? Even if his body had been perfectly fine, he didn’t feel much motivation to work. Tennessee thought that perhaps it was time to rest. Living in a quiet place, occasionally fishing or traveling—that kind of daily life wouldn’t be bad.b6b80c4bce031f51

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“There are plenty of people who can do it besides me. The pay is good too.”e90a20281293b296

“But they want you specifically, don’t they?”22973e8c4b743ed0

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They must know there are many replacements available. But that probably doesn’t matter. Amber knew this feeling well.ce55366fc7c7c66c

“Just because they want something doesn’t mean I have to comply. I’m not in a position where I have to go when called.”86434cd439ed04cd

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“That’s true.”4fbb8ebc7996d785

He hadn’t been wrong. Amber had clearly been jealous of that boy. At the same time, he worried that Tennessee, who was a softie in unexpected ways, might accept. But Tennessee cut it off decisively without even considering it. While Tennessee’s attitude was satisfying, it was also frightening. There was no guarantee that he wouldn’t be the one being rejected later.a1d677e9ad521757

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Hadn’t he experienced it himself after all?2109d94c4e2484e6

***ba834ce2d391569c

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That night, Amber woke 2324727806 to the faint sound 0c50ac509c of agonized moaning. A thin groaning 770a68d238 sound came from ed919b8696 somewhere. Amber hurriedly sat 6159e6200e up. Tennessee was bf2f414140 lying down 354dc72d93 with his 24439c1845 face buried 468cdfbd1d in his 83537b8f62 palms. Faint groans 881e51bf2d escaped between c6374a854b his teeth.3297903c5321bd24

It sounded 5e6062de75 like suppressed 9b16df886a sobs, or a34a1ece13 desperate cries 35bfdac0e4 for help 2d0abe2573 as if 2d80b6e9ea his breath 03d1fc3052 might give 0e4d1adc8a out.f97f50488e3736a0

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“Tennessee.”2541ffd1c1baeb4b

He should tell him, let him know, but he couldn’t bring himself to. In front of Tennessee, who was slightly trembling, Amber hesitated again. If he raised his voice now, people would come running to help Tennessee.9eaf2e9996d833fe

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But Amber couldn’t do that.eb59c231a5968a20

“Tennessee.”ee52e6010eadf8bb

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In a soothing voice, Amber gently placed his hand on Tennessee’s shoulder. His body jerked. “Don’t be startled–” Before those words were finished, Amber was pulled by a rough hand. Tennessee had grabbed Amber’s wrist. His wrist stung.a7d4060fdb84bf3e

Amber barely managed to support himself before crashing hard into Tennessee’s body. He slowly lowered his body, supported by his elbow. Fortunately, there was enough space next to Tennessee to lie on his side. Amber turned his body carefully so as not to disturb Tennessee. Tennessee’s groans grew louder.92dcdef17691a2af

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“It’s okay.”96fd6e35a975b6f6

With a light 3178efee8e gesture, Amber pulled 35ee4114ec him into an 825b7ef88e embrace. Patting his back, stroking 559cef4d09 his cold, sweaty shoulders, f597780744 then pulling him closer. His neck, shoulders, and f362dbf1f8 forehead were drenched in e3ec39f086 sweat.0ab985faf8f70eaf

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“Come here.”9c8f3fd4660bf43f

Tennessee, whose entire body was stiff, showed no response. His trembling breath collided like a shout. Amber continued to stroke his back. Tennessee, who had flinched at first contact, began accepting Amber’s touch at some point. But just when his breathing seemed to calm, it would become rough again, and just when he seemed to be resting peacefully, Tennessee would repeat strange words.17023de5a70fb601

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“Light… turn off the light.”e54cbc43c19ca4be

It was early dawn.a1343a6ff0dc4b50

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“There is no light, Tennessee.”cab0ca284fcbcc5c

“Off. My eyes hurt.”65a61149853de68e

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“There’s nothing here.”8f4e63d7cfd66865

Despite Amber’s efforts, Tennessee repeated such words like an incantation. Sometimes it was about lights, sometimes about sounds, and sometimes he would just murmur vaguely for things to stop. Amber pulled him closer again. He wrapped Tennessee, who never relaxed his tension even in his arms. He bound him tightly as if hiding him from the Creator’s sight.12b8337870286d60

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“Light…”b082c7cc5d0d6bf6

“There’s nothing here.”5b0b9c35597506f3

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When Amber said that, 538482672f his shoulder was gripped 73609ac171 roughly. Amber, who almost b8a86a21eb groaned in pain, 1d6c7787c6 firmly closed his 8f7a179304 lips.2b2a4da004b0fd91

“Is it off?”02a5366aaa7eb1bc

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“Yes.”896780e9db2330d7

There had been several irregular episodes before, but Tennessee had never properly responded to Amber’s words. But today was different. “See? There’s nothing here. Tennessee, it’s okay. Don’t be in pain.”033afbaddfc0c8fb

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Every time he continued to say such words, the strength in Tennessee’s grip slowly loosened.2ff1b5da8fbc395e

“Look, it’s pitch dark.”839fc24a172c4b47

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He stroked Tennessee’s hair, which was soaked in sweat. Amber whispered in a lowered voice. During episodes, Tennessee was sensitive to touch and noise. If there was even a slightly loud sound or a hurried movement, he simply couldn’t calm down.afc22eccd80b608a

How long had they been like that? Amber watched as Tennessee’s hand, which had been gripping his shoulder, fell weakly.91ee9f663aab2a0d

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“…Thank you.”07264b591b0c69d0

It was a a7fbc8164a small expression of 094a2f980e gratitude. Feeling like he might 439fd280ba burst into tears, Amber 9365e5307e forced a smile. His voice 6aade3c643 was cracked.ed319df765bf4a7b

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“You’re welcome.”fecceaffb2ab7d8c

Amber answered, keeping his body close enough to touch Tennessee with just enough space between them. Thank you, he says. A thank you for turning off lights that weren’t there.e33e8d5db0dd245b

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8eb1e8e8d261d73c