AA Chapter 8 || Nursing Journal

One day, Amber tilted his head at a missed call on his phone from a number he didn’t recognize. If it had been the call he was waiting for from Tennessee, the caller’s number wouldn’t have shown up.

Above all, the number was long and started with 44. As far as Amber knew, all area codes in America were three digits. After scratching his head and brief contemplation, Amber called back. Surprisingly, someone answered right away.

“Hello.”

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[Hello.]

From that first greeting, Amber realized that 44 was the country code for the United Kingdom. Even without explaining it was the London branch of the security company, the accent made it clear. Flustered, Amber explained that he had received a missed call. The other end of the line became busy for a moment.

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[Is this Mr. Dexley? Mr. Ryker Amber Dexley?]

“Yes, that’s correct.”

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A security company. Is it Tennessee? Amber’s heart beat rapidly.

[Are you a relative of Mr. Isaiah Clayton?]

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“I’m not…”

Ah… could it be…?

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[You’re not?]

His heart, which had been beating with anticipation, was now pounding anxiously as if it would leap out.

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Please, let it be Tennessee.

Amber pleaded as if it were a familiar habit. Please, don’t tell me you have left me forever.

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“Yes… I am. What happened?”

[He’s currently hospitalized. Mr. Clayton left your phone number and name as his emergency contact.]

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“Where… where is he? I’ll come right, right away. Now…”

Amber searched for his car keys with trembling hands. Damn it, he was sure he’d left him on the kitchen counter, but it was nowhere to be found. Only after rummaging through the innocent sofa and dining table did Amber find the car keys neatly placed next to the vase. He told himself to stay calm, but it wasn’t easy. While tension and anxiety crept in, a great sense of relief washed over him. At least Tennessee was alive.

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[I’ll give you the hospital contact information.]

Amber’s trembling hands wrote down the number as it was dictated. He pressed so hard that the paper crumpled where the pen had passed.

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“Is it critical? Is it serious?”

Feeling unable to drive properly, Amber took a taxi. The voice on the other end of the phone was irritatingly calm.

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[For security reasons, I can’t give you details, but it was an accident while protecting a client.]

Amber was disgusted by Tennessee’s despicable stubbornness.

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He had once asked why he decided to become a security guard.

‘Is it because of what happened in the past? Because you want to do something different now?’

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Looking down at Amber through white smoke, Tennessee had a peculiar look in his eyes.

‘Are you asking if I regret it?’

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When Amber nodded, Tennessee smiled faintly. There was a strong smell of cigarettes. Conscious of Amber’s dislike for cigarettes, Tennessee often kept the window open. His dark hair swayed in the wind. Tennessee looked languid in the sunlight.

‘That’s not how you show regret. Expecting forgiveness and becoming a new person by doing good deeds is cowardly.’

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In the faintly rising cigarette smoke, Tennessee’s eyelashes cast shadows. He looked a bit tired. Almost as if he were drifting off to sleep, as he often did when Amber was by his side.

‘Rather than regret, I just like doing easy work.’

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Amber knew that Tennessee sometimes made statements that were neither blatant lies nor bold truths, but awkwardly honest. Like a stray dog burying its nose in trash left on the street, Amber would sometimes dig through Tennessee’s discarded words to glimpse their inner meaning.

Tennessee’s answer was brief, but it was enough for Amber.

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‘Are you sleepy? Should we get going?’

Amber had stood up, and Tennessee had nodded and risen. That was in his house at Chicago.

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***

Tennessee had said he was a soldier. So he probably spent several years in the military, and then did dangerous work for a long time. He had also worked with the FBI for several years. Since all the places he’d been to were battlefields, his work there likely wasn’t safe either. After staying intact throughout that long period, how could he have an accident so soon after starting working in security?

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Amber had to wipe away cold sweat while the nurses guided him.

His mind was in turmoil. Despite constantly doing dangerous work, Tennessee had never shown signs of struggle. His body was covered with various wounds and scars, but he never complained or made a fuss. Perhaps that’s why Amber thought Tennessee would remain peaceful like this forever. Like a superhero from a comic book, uninjured, overcoming hardships and adversities.

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But Tennessee was also human. Just a mere mortal.

Amber had thought there would be no way for him to know if Tennessee died right away, but somewhere in his mind, there must have been an unconscious arrogance that Tennessee would never be seriously hurt. Amber bit his lip.

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And seeing Tennessee lying in bed, Amber turned his head away as if avoiding the sight. He was out of breath even though he hadn’t done anything. He had to struggle to keep himself steady.

There wasn’t a single spot on his body that wasn’t injured.

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With a pale complexion, Amber listened to the doctor explain Tennessee’s condition. Despite his terrible appearance, Tennessee’s injuries weren’t life-threatening.

“It’s still too early to feel relieved, we’ll need to monitor his progress… but I must say it’s a miracle.”

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From the doctor’s words, Amber could imagine the scale of the accident. But he thought that if Tennessee were truly lucky, he wouldn’t have been injured like this.

He never got to live a peaceful life, and now he’s hurt again. Isn’t that just plainly unfair? Amber laughed self-deprecatingly as he pondered.

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It was only after a full two days that Tennessee opened his eyes. Amber was in the middle of sending text messages to inform his family. Feeling something strange, he looked up and found Tennessee staring at him.

“Tennessee.”

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Although he had many things to say, seeing Tennessee’s blue eyes brought an overwhelming emotion first.

“Does your head hurt?”

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There was no response from Tennessee.

Amber sensed something was wrong. Tennessee’s eyes were transparent and empty like glass beads. It was like the gaze of an inanimate object. It also resembled the eyes of a reptile staring at its prey. It felt like being drawn in, but at the same time, a sense of danger washed over him.

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“Tennessee?”

Amber slowly raised both hands. He wasn’t small or young anymore, and at nearly 6’4″, he wasn’t sure if this gesture would work, but he hoped he looked as non-threatening as possible. Amber approached like he was facing a wild beast and slowly lowered himself onto the chair beside the bed. Throughout this sequence of movements, Tennessee maintained his fixed gaze on Amber without reacting.

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“Who are you?”

“Amber. I’m Amber.”

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Normally, he would have felt hurt, but Amber wasn’t offended. He had sensed something strange about Tennessee after all.

“You’re Amber?”

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“Yes.”

Amber smiled, but Tennessee’s expression was different from usual.

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“Prove it.”

Perhaps it was because they hadn’t seen each other for so long. Amber made a light joke.

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“Well, you promised you’d date me if we met again when I was grown up.”

Although there was no change in his expression, Amber detected some confusion in Tennessee.

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In fact, Tennessee was indeed greatly confused.

If Amber had suddenly grown up, would he look exactly like this—playful yet sly? And having this mature atmosphere despite his young age. He had a deeper voice and a completely different physique. Above all, his face…

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Tennessee didn’t recognize that face. That couldn’t be right. Tennessee had been confident that he would recognize Amber in any situation.

“You’re Amber?”

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Amber unconsciously looked at his reflection in the window. David would sometimes look at Amber—especially on prom night when he wore a tuxedo—and tear up saying, “How has that little Ryker grown so big?” but Amber didn’t think he had changed so much as to be unrecognizable.

In reality, while his build had changed significantly, there wasn’t much difference in his facial features, and anyone could connect the young Amber with the current Amber.

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The fact that Tennessee couldn’t recognize Amber wasn’t because Amber had changed a lot.

Amber’s playful smile crumbled.

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“I’ll call the doctor for a moment.”

“It seems to be prosopagnosia.”

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That’s what the doctor said. It was only after another MRI that they heard this.

“It can occur due to head trauma. It wasn’t present before, was it?”

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When Amber anxiously nodded, the doctor continued.

“In cases where prosopagnosia develops later in life, recovery rarely happens. It could also be psychogenic. It’s difficult to make a definitive diagnosis yet, so we’ll have to observe him for a while.”

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Listening silently, there was no sign of resignation in Amber’s eyes. In his view, Tennessee had always been someone who couldn’t be explained by conventional logic and methods. So, Amber composed himself, thinking that Tennessee would only temporarily fail to recognize him.

When Amber returned to the hospital room, Tennessee was awake. He had that predator-like observant gaze again.

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“I really am Amber.”

Realizing that Tennessee still wasn’t convinced, Amber thought for a moment and then unbuttoned his shirt. Although he was a bit embarrassed, Amber turned around to show his scars. Even with time, they hadn’t faded.

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A few years ago, they had gone on a family vacation to Florida. The horizon stretched endlessly, and the sand warmed their feet. Everyone jumped into the sea wearing only swimsuits, but Amber always made sure to wear a top.

Then came the time to change out of clothes soaked from playing in the water. When he took off his top, he made eye contact with David. He had felt safe thinking his back wasn’t visible since they were facing each other, but David suddenly lost his words and embraced Amber.

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Only later did Amber learn that there was a mirror behind him, and David had seen his back covered with cigarette burn scars.

Amber would occasionally look at his back in the mirror. Some of the scars had lightened, but most remained stubbornly the same. Familiar to the point of monotony, ugly scars. Amber had never voluntarily exposed his back to others. If he himself found it unpleasant to look at, he was even more reluctant to show it to others. But with Tennessee, it was okay.

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Sometimes Amber envied Tennessee’s seeming lack of emotion regarding the scars that covered his body. Perhaps it was because Tennessee’s scars weren’t marked for the same reasons as his, but Amber felt that Tennessee would have been detached to them even in the same situation.

No one could break Tennessee. In Amber’s eyes, Tennessee was flawless, a fortress.

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After showing his back, Amber put his shirt back on. While buttoning it up, Tennessee, who had been silent, softly called out to him.

“…Amber.”

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With a smile, Amber turned his head. Amber was happy just to be called by Tennessee. The pain of the past two years became a sweet scent tickling his nose.

“Did you hear what the doctor said? You’re badly hurt.”

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Amber sat beside Tennessee, with the sentiment that he was someone impossible to hate. Despite no contact for two years, his gaze changed as soon as Amber convinced him of his identity. His expressionless face remained the same, but the temperature within had changed. It was no longer an observing, guarded look. Amber was certain that what Tennessee felt was unmistakable longing, even if he didn’t say it directly.

Just as Tennessee had seen through his love without a single word, Amber believed he could see through Tennessee as well.

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“How’s your head?”

Tennessee was sparing with words, but Amber didn’t find his silence awkward.

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“It’s been a while.”

“It has.”

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Amber’s words made Tennessee recall a reunion from the past.

His head was splitting with pain and he couldn’t properly grasp the situation, but Tennessee had unconsciously gone back to that time. It was Chicago. Recalling that moment, his heart felt more at ease. A feeling akin to relief, reassurance.

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“Don’t you have anything you want to ask me?”

“Many things. How you’ve been. What you’ve been doing.”

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“Me too. That’s how I felt too.”

With his chin resting on his hand, Amber said with a bright smile,

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“But I won’t tell you.”

You hid a lot from me. Even sold your house.

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Amber’s tone was full of resentment. It was the resentment he had momentarily set aside due to the urgency of Tennessee being hurt.

Looking at Amber smiling as if pleased, Tennessee couldn’t hide his feeling of unfamiliarity. He realized only then that Amber had been sharpening his knife for the entire two years.

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“Have you thought about how I felt when after two years of no contact, I finally hear from you and find you’re in the hospital?”

“…”

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Tennessee wondered if he should remind Amber that he was a patient and that his recovery was the priority. But Amber’s tone was too calm for that.

“Can I ask why you sold the house?”

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“I got a job in the UK.”

Amber barely held back the curse that threatened to escape. Unbelievable. He went overseas, not just to another state but all the way to the UK, and didn’t say a word.

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“Did you read my letters?”

Although he wanted to avoid this situation, Tennessee told the truth.

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“I did.”

At this calm answer, Amber was consumed by fiery anger and then deep blue sadness. For a moment, he felt a despair so intense that he thought he might collapse.

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Tennessee is sick now. He didn’t want to burden him with emotions he didn’t ask for. Swallowing all of it, Amber continued his questions.

“…How did you get hurt?”

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“I don’t know.”

And Tennessee kept reaching for his head. The stitched area seemed uncomfortable. At that simple action alone, Amber’s heart melted.He wanted to get angry and demand answers, but this moment was too precious.

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He’d save the anger for later. No matter what, Amber vowed to break Tennessee’s habit of disappearing.

As he vented his frustrations and tended to Tennessee, the day passed in a flash. It felt like he had just rushed to the hospital, but it was already late.

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The hospital lights stayed on late into the night, but as time passed, the activity gradually died down. Since it was a private room, the silence came even faster.

The sun had already set. Amber looked at the darkening sky through the window. Tennessee stared at Amber’s back. The sight of Amber silently looking outside reminded Tennessee of the past in Chicago. Amber used to press his face so close to the window that it fogged up, just to look outside.

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Amber buried his face in Tennessee’s shoulder. Even though it must have hurt, Tennessee, who never complained, had broad, firm, and warm shoulders. It had been a while since they’d been this close, so Tennessee moved his shoulder, but Amber stubbornly kept his face pressed against it.

For Amber, the day had passed too quickly. He had alternated between hope and disappointment, anger and relief, leaving him emotionally drained. The past two years, and even just today, Tennessee had shaken him to his core. He felt he deserved this as compensation.

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“Are you still mad?”

Tennessee asked, hearing Amber’s sigh.

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“…Yes.”

Amber raised his head, feeling Tennessee’s hand gently touching his hair like a breeze.

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“You’re treating me like a child.”

Despite complaining, Amber didn’t move his head, and his tone wasn’t one of displeasure. Tennessee murmured loud enough to be heard that Amber had certainly grown too big to be treated like a child. Tennessee slowly combed through Amber’s fine hair with his fingers. Watching the hair ripple like a boat’s wake with the movement of his fingertips, Tennessee let out a long breath.

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He was recalling Amber’s appearance when he first opened his eyes today. He hadn’t adjusted to it. Amber had grown much taller than himself. His broad shoulders, his voice had changed too. He had passed puberty long ago, but there had still been a lingering sense of youth. Now, there was no trace of that.

He had become an undeniable adult, a man. There was no more of the urgency that came from being swayed one-sidedly or from being overly emotional as before. Tennessee felt the reality of the two years that had passed. This period of two years felt more significant because, unlike before, he hadn’t received any pictures or news.

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***

Late at night, while Tennessee was lost in thought, Amber tilted his head slightly. His manly extended eyes curved gently.

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“Did you do well all this time?”

Amber said the question he couldn’t ask earlier in the day, taking advantage of the dawn. In truth, he was very curious. There wasn’t a day when he didn’t think of Tennessee. Amber brought out one by one the things he had yearned for.

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“No.”

“Because I wasn’t there?”

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“…”

His habit of closing his mouth at important times remained the same. Amber laughed softly. He liked even that part of him. Amber didn’t just like something about Tennessee. He simply liked Tennessee.

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“And sleep?”

“Sleeping pills.”

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For many people, medicine was a convenient tool. They make things possible or help us do things that don’t happen naturally. But for Tennessee, they just replaced one pain with another.

“Tennessee, why did you put me as your emergency contact?”

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Tennessee answered by merely shrugging his shoulders. Unlike Amber, Tennessee always lived with his death in mind. It could happen anywhere, anytime, and letting one’s guard down meant death. Successfully completing numerous operations in the past didn’t guarantee survival in the next one. He had to be vigilant at every moment, as if it were the first time. That’s why Tennessee always kept Amber in a corner of his heart. However, he never imagined that Amber’s face, which he kept in his heart, would actually appear in a dangerous situation.

***

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‘I’m really going to die today.’

Camden muttered beside him. Between his words, Camden spitted out the juice from chewing tobacco. Saying he’s going to die is Camden’s habit. The weather is bad—I’m going to die. The subject of protection is uncooperative—I’m going to die, that kind of thing. Camden came from a special forces background, but for someone who had frequently faced death, he was overly dramatic.

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‘Which of the world’s top companies was it again?’

‘3.’

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The protection subject was the sole heir to one of the world’s three largest oil companies. Despite his young age, there were already many people targeting the child.

‘You don’t have a single complaint even in this situation?’

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Camden, who was about to playfully hit Tennessee’s shoulder, met his eyes and awkwardly lowered his hand.

‘You have a kid, right? That’s why you’re doing this job, they say.’

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Camden couldn’t hide his curiosity.

‘No kid.’

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‘Then what’s that picture?’

What Camden was referring to was a single photograph that Tennessee carried. It was a picture of Amber in the center, hugging Annie and Cody.

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‘Partner.’

‘What? Your partner’s kid?’

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Tennessee said nothing more to Camden, who didn’t understand.

‘Didn’t get much sleep, huh?’

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‘None of your business.’

Rather than sleep… maybe I’m truly exhausted, Tennessee thought.

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‘Watching you, I think you’ll die before me. Anyway, make sure you leave a will for your kid!’

“Kid” … He did know one.

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At Camden’s words, Tennessee briefly thought of the kid.

‘Clayton.’

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At the call urging him to follow orders, Tennessee came to his senses and moistened his dry lips with his tongue.

This protection subject was similar to Amber in age and build. It wasn’t that Tennessee had a preferred type to protect, but he didn’t like kids of this age. It reminded him of his first meeting with Amber. They had nothing in common except for their nationality. Ah, there was one more thing. When treated kindly, his face would light up brightly. Whether it was unwrapping candy for him or doing small favors, he visibly appreciated it. That was also like Amber.

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Looking back, Amber was happy about such trivial things.

‘Ready?’

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Tennessee checked the road signals. Even if he survived intact today, after today’s mission ends, tomorrow’s would come, and after that, another would follow.

Suddenly, an uncontrollable fatigue swept over him.

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And Tennessee blamed the innocent fatigue for the mission going wrong. Applying pressure to his bleeding leg, Tennessee wondered if the haziness in his head was due to losing too much blood, fatigue, or lack of sleep. It could be all three, he thought.

Gunshots rang out not too far away. They were gradually getting closer.

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He had lost too much blood and his mind was hazy. He leaned the back of his head against the cold wall. The gunshots were similar to the sound of fireworks. When he was young, he was more familiar with gunshots than fireworks, so every July 4th, when fireworks were set off, he would curl up in bed. It was as if bullets had seeped in like shadows with those firework sounds.

In fact, the next day, stories would circulate about some gang member or someone in the neighborhood dying.

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Ah, I really can’t think straight.

To gather his dim rationality, Tennessee wiped his forehead several times. HHe had to live—it felt almost like an obligatory thought. Since he couldn’t die, he had to live. There had to be a way. It felt like fulfilling the bare minimum of his responsibility to himself.

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In front of him, Camden lay fallen with empty eyes. Life had already left those eyes, leaving them hollow. After all his talk about wills, he was the first to have the back of his head blown off.

Now the gunshots could be heard right in front of him. He had lost so much blood that he couldn’t even grip the gun in his hand.

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Is this how I die?

So be it.

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Now that I think about it, it doesn’t seem so bad.

Tennessee let out a long sigh. Every time he turned his head forward, he faced the piece of flesh that was once Camden. With his arms drooping, Tennessee closed his eyes. Camden’s words repeated.

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‘You have a kid, right? That’s why you’re doing this job.’

Bang!

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The moment fireworks exploded right behind the wall he was leaning on,

Tennessee suddenly realized.

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He hadn’t told Amber he was going to leave him.

If he died somewhere away from home, or if he was unlucky enough not to survive, he thought he should definitely let Amber know, but he remembered that he hadn’t done so.

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It felt too empty to close his eyes like this. There was still so much to do.

He worried that Amber might never forget him and spend a lifetime searching for him.

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***

“Why didn’t you reply?”

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There was no other emotion in the questioning tone now. Amber asked calmly and waited for Tennessee’s answer.

“…I don’t know.”

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“Was it because of me? Did I make you uncomfortable?”

“A little.”

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“Then you ran away. From me.”

While reading the letter, and listening to Amber’s words today, Tennessee realized how deep and wide Amber’s resentment was. Tennessee didn’t make excuses either. He felt that this was all from seeds he had sown.

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“Ever heard the word coward?”

Tennessee smiled and shook his head. Amber smiled along. The upturned corners of his mouth were similar to before yet different.

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“I know it must have been confusing. I know it wasn’t easy to accept.”

And Amber added.

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“But I think I’m going to make you even more uncomfortable from now on, Tennessee.”

As the hand stroking his head didn’t stop, Amber gradually fell asleep. It had been a tiring and hectic day for him. While touching the black hair, Tennessee couldn’t help but let out a small laugh.

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Running away, huh…

He isn’t entirely wrong.

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“Happy birthday, adult Amber.”

Half-asleep, Amber curled his lips into a smile. Though his face looked entirely different, Tennessee thought the way he smiled resembled him in some way.

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“Thank you.”

Amber replied while falling asleep, keeping his anger and sadness carefully hidden. Amber had now learned to speak in such a tone.

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A suspicion crossed Tennessee’s mind that Amber might be a little glad he was injured.

After all, while providing the troublesome and demanding nursing care, Amber seemed genuinely happy. He never procrastinated, complained, or frowned. He was always a step ahead, offering help and reaching out. Even for things Tennessee could do himself.

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Tennessee was someone who was used to doing everything alone. It wasn’t different even when he was lying in the hospital. Two more surgeries were scheduled, so it would be a long journey until recovery. He had tried to adapt his body to prepare for this, but Amber didn’t give him the chance.

I can do it.

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Whenever he tried to say those words to Amber bringing him a water bottle, Amber would say countless things with just his eyes. In that gaze, he seemed to hear hallucinations like ‘Tennessee ran away from me, ran away… ran… 2 years… letter…’ So Tennessee couldn’t say anything.

The doctor couldn’t find the exact cause of Tennessee’s prosopagnosia, only that it was likely due to the impact to his head during the car crash.

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But Tennessee acted so naturally that Amber didn’t notice his prosopagnosia. Tennessee distinguished and remembered people in ways other than his faces. Intonation, accessories, unique hairstyles, habits, and such were his clues.

Amber concluded that it was possible because Tennessee’s perception was incredibly sharp. There were identical twins among the medical staff, and Tennessee could distinguish between him too. When asked how, Tennessee answered, ‘Their walking styles are different.’ Amber couldn’t hide his amazement.

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After a few days, Tennessee could recognize Amber well too. Although it seemed he still couldn’t recognize faces, he didn’t give him a strange look even when Amber came in wearing different clothes.

How do you recognize me?

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When Amber asked, Tennessee just said, “I just do.” Amber playfully asked if he was refusing to tell, but for Tennessee, that was the best answer he could give. Tennessee just recognized Amber. Faces weren’t always necessary to recognize people. Tennessee was confident that even when he first opened his eyes in the hospital, if given time, he would have recognized Amber even without explanation.

On the third day, Elizabeth and David visited. After being explained who they were, Tennessee greeted them, but Amber noticed that Tennessee couldn’t recognize their faces. While Elizabeth, who was a doctor, had a long and difficult conversation with the attending doctor after hearing about Tennessee’s condition, Tennessee sat quietly watching him. Beside him, David was crying, and Amber’s siblings, Cody and Annie, who had become middle school students by now, were absorbed in his smartphones, seemingly used to his father crying.

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Tennessee left the comment that it was ‘quiet but chaotic,’ and Amber burst into laughter upon hearing that small mutter.

“Ryker, why are you laughing?”

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While David was wiping his tears, Amber’s siblings asked as he belatedly took out balloons. They were balloons with the message ‘Get well soon!’

Cody and Annie, Amber’s siblings, waited for Tennessee to say something first, but Tennessee only briefly said thank you.

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Although Cody and Annie were generally outgoing and sociable, they had an awkward relationship specifically with Tennessee. This was partly because young Amber had desperately tried to interfere in his relationship, but also because Tennessee was equally indifferent to all children.

Amber couldn’t help but laugh watching them staring blankly at each other. Then he recalled a memory from the past.

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Before going on a trip to Florida, on the day Tennessee visited Michigan. Annie had gestured to Tennessee to pick her up. Amber, jealous without even knowing why he was jealous, was about to say no, but there was no need.

Tennessee didn’t pick Annie up. He just patted the small head with a gaze that was neither frightening nor cold. Although the rejected Annie grabbed Tennessee’s pants and cried, Tennessee only comforted her moderately without hugging her.

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Amber smiled with satisfaction. Tennessee was indifferent to everyone, but Amber didn’t mind that at all.

As Tennessee had guessed, Amber was making good use of this moment. Of course, Amber didn’t want Tennessee to be sick at all, but what could be done about it now that he was?

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Above all, he was happy to have Tennessee all to himself. Tennessee was always busy, and though he occasionally made time to be with Amber, it didn’t happen frequently. They would spend weekends together once every few months.

Now Tennessee was severely injured and it might take at least six months or even longer until his complete recovery, so it became possible for him to spend a long time with Tennessee for the first time.

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And surprisingly to Amber, Tennessee was quite an obedient patient. Following the doctor’s orders not to move his arm, Tennessee stopped trying to do things by himself. Now Tennessee entrusted almost everything to Amber. Sometimes he would just stare at Amber silently. Then Amber would hand over a water bottle or give his medicines in a small paper cup.

Not only was he receiving help, but he was leaning on Amber. He didn’t want Tennessee to be injured, but this moment was sweet enough to make Amber feel guilty. He definitely wished for Tennessee’s quick recovery though, even if Tennessee would leave again as soon as he got better. Amber let this guilt flow to the very bottom.

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“Are you sleepy?”

Tennessee slept a lot. He spent most of the day sleeping.

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Amber quietly sat beside Tennessee, thinking it might be due to the painkillers, but maybe he had been very tired all this time.

“I wish you’d tell me how you’ve been all this time.”

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Focus returned to Tennessee’s eyes as he drowsily moved his eyelids.

“It wasn’t much different from America.”

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Tennessee’s voice, drunk with sleepiness, was very low. Amber nodded while resting his chin on his hand.

“Tennessee.”

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“Yeah?”

“When you get better, are you thinking of leaving me again?”

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Blue eyes met his. Tennessee couldn’t answer easily. He hadn’t told Amber, but Amber was Tennessee’s legal heir. The company kept his notarized will. That’s why Amber was contacted following procedure when Tennessee was severely injured.

Tennessee hadn’t expected this reunion. It had been a comfortable and natural meeting, but one he hadn’t prepared for.

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“You don’t have to.”

Tennessee thought that the original Amber would have begged him not to. When Tennessee first met Amber, he was eleven years old. Much time had passed since then, but it had never felt this unfamiliar. Tennessee was confused and couldn’t adapt. He felt the changes with every moment they spent together.

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Amber no longer begged him. Though his tone might sound like pleading, the message contained in his persuasive words was different.

“Were you fine all those 2 years without me?”

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Just as Amber had gone through many changes during those 2 years, many things had happened to Tennessee too. During those 2 years, the days Tennessee had proper sleep could be counted on one hand. He was used to his chronic insomnia, but there were moments that suddenly came to mind, like the young Amber who used to desperately interlock his fingers with his when he opened his eyes.

Loving a young Amber was out of the question, and Tennessee’s feelings on that remained firm. But now, the adult Amber was smiling at him, asking how the time without him had been. His cynical remarks were the same, but they came from a changed Amber, one whose heart would never waver.

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“Sleep, Tennessee.”

At those words, Tennessee fell into a deep sleep as if by magic.

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As if making the two years meaningless.

***

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Tennessee’s first surgery ended successfully. Originally, he should have stayed in the ICU for 24 hours, but due to his good progress, he was moved to a general ward after 12 hours.

When he was moved back to his original room, Tennessee was asleep. Amber held his cold, stiff hand by his side. Tennessee woke up a few hours later.

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Rather than being completely conscious, it was more like briefly waking up. Tennessee stared at Amber by his side for a long while and blinked several times. It took some time for him to recognize that it was Amber.

“If you’re sleepy, sleep some more.”

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Tennessee shook his head.

“I’m sleepy, but it’s weird.”

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“It’s the painkillers.”

Although his words were meant to be reassuring, Tennessee raised his head.

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“…Is it morphine?”

Tennessee looked at his IV needle and held his head. It was the first time Tennessee had felt this dizzy.

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“Yes, it’s a morphine drip.”

“…Take it out.”

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Since it hadn’t been long since he came out of surgery, it would definitely hurt without painkillers. Amber shook his head, but Tennessee was firm.

“Take it out, I don’t want it.”

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However, he couldn’t just remove the IV needle at will. Amber looked at the drip and first adjusted the roller clamp.

“Tell him I want different painkillers, not morphine.”

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“…Is it because it’s opium?”

Although it was extracted from opium, morphine was a painkiller. It wasn’t a synthesized organic compound like ecstasy.

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“No, because my head hurts.”

But Amber detected Tennessee’s deep aversion and rejection towards drugs. Tennessee sighed.

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Tennessee wasn’t that rigid about everything. He knew well enough that this was morphine prescribed by doctors in the hospital. But things invented for convenience were consistently misused. Xanax, diazepam, zolpidem… the list was endless.

His mother had done drugs that way too. From marijuana to cocaine, heroin, and even long Xanax bars. It wasn’t just paranoia. Tennessee himself often wondered if he might be inherently vulnerable to addiction.

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“But you’ll be in pain.”

The pain was better.

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Tennessee was afraid. As far as he knew, bad things were inherited. Disease, poverty, and addiction. When he saw his eyes clouded by drugs, he would fall into hallucinations of standing in his place, looking in the mirror.

“I’ll go call the doctor.”

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After confirming that no more morphine was dripping, Amber got up.

“Stay with me, Amber.”

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Bound by that small request, Amber couldn’t move. Though it was a simple call, it had resonance. Small words flowed from Tennessee’s mouth as he covered his eyes with the back of his hand.

“Then I’ll be able to sleep even if it hurts.”

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Amber sometimes had hallucinations of being caught in a storm. It happened especially when he was with Tennessee. At Tennessee’s words, his face flushed red, and he sweated under the scorching sun, sometimes shrinking from the gusts.

If Tennessee knew about these burning feelings, would he run away again?

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Amber closed his eyes and thought.

After hearing the doctor’s advice, Tennessee’s “I’ll do it myself” disappeared. No matter what anyone said, Tennessee tended to listen well to the doctor’s advice. Both Tennessee and Amber recognized the severity of the situation when told that he needed more rest, especially since it hadn’t been long since the surgery.

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But Tennessee felt restless, and although he didn’t show it, Amber noticed. It was understandable. Tennessee’s daily routine consisted only of sleep, meals, and washing up. It became more apparent as the time he spent awake grew longer.

After getting the okay for short walks, Amber brought a wheelchair. Though it wasn’t easy due to his broken limbs, Tennessee managed to get into the wheelchair.

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After going around the ward once, Amber was in the process of putting away the wheelchair.

Someone knocked on the hospital room door.

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There stood men who were similar in build to Amber but much more similar in demeanor to Tennessee. They were all wearing suits. As Amber tensed and tried to press the call button, Tennessee shook his head.

“How are you feeling?”

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It was a posh accent. The man who noticed Amber’s slightly furrowed brow made a polite but clear request for him to leave. He was very polite with his words, but it was essentially an order. The other two men in suits seemed to be bodyguards. Since Tennessee and these men appeared to know each other, Amber started to get up.

“Stay here.”

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It had been a while since he heard ‘stay here.’ These men didn’t seem to mind much if Amber stayed, so he said nothing more. And not long after, someone else appeared. To Amber’s eyes, ‘appeared’ was exactly the right word.

It was a blonde boy who looked to be in the higher grades of elementary school.

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…He’s not his son, right? He’s blonde though. While thinking this person didn’t seem like someone who would visit Tennessee’s hospital room, the same British accent as the earlier man flowed out. The boy calmly expressed his gratitude and mentioned sacrifice and hard work.

Amber felt an explosion of jealousy that hadn’t been triggered since ‘that woman’ in Chicago. As he continued listening, the missing pieces of the story came together. Amber made a small ‘ah’ sound. Tennessee had been protecting this British boy.

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“I’m glad you’re safe.”

Tennessee said that quietly, and Amber smiled to hide his doubled jealousy at the completed puzzle pieces. Tennessee had thrown himself in harm’s way to protect this child from those trying to kidnap him for ransom.

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It was just work, right?

Amber consoled himself this way, but the young boy – vulnerable, honest – somehow reminded him of his younger self, and Amber hated that fact terribly. Tennessee was already hard enough to win over as it was.

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Maybe it was because Tennessee was such a dry person, but Amber seriously worried that he had a power to attract similarly dry people. If not for that, how could this noble boy come here and elaborate on how ‘we’ll cover the hospital expenses so don’t worry and please focus on recovering, thank you so much’?

With his expression controlled but feeling quite sulky inside, Amber crossed his arms.

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The boy wiped his tears and reached toward Tennessee’s hand on the bed. He seemed to want to hold it.

Just as Amber was about to wonder if he needed to be jealous even of a child, as the boy reached out, Tennessee naturally moved his own hand toward Amber.

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Tennessee’s left arm, which wasn’t in a cast, pointed to the water bottle. As if not even seeing the boy’s hand that had lost its destination.

“I’ll contact you again.”

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“I plan to rest until I recover.”

“Mr. Clayton, after you recover-”

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“Even if the surgery is successful, I won’t be the same as before the accident. I’m not sure if I’ll be a useful head of security.”

Well done, Tennessee!

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Amber, who was about to hand over the water bottle, changed his mind. Instead of putting it in his hand, he opened the cap and held it to his lips. Though he expected him to say something, Tennessee quietly drank the water.

Beautiful. Perfect. I love him so much, I feel like I’m going to go crazy.

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Amber learned that when your heart beats too fast, the pulsing can travel all the way to your feet.

Amber was busy.

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To Tennessee, it seemed like he didn’t need to be so actively diligent, but Amber moved without a moment’s rest. With someone of such large build moving back and forth in a single room, it somehow made the hospital room feel packed. Because his face felt unfamiliar, Tennessee rubbed his eyelids and opened his eyes.

Although his voice had become much lower and thicker, it was possible to recognize it because traces of Amber’s distinctive voice from the past remained. As for the height, since he’d said he would grow a lot, it wasn’t that surprising. But who knew not being able to recognize a face could make someone seem so different.

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Every time he saw  him, Tennessee felt like he was meeting a stranger.

Especially when he first opened his eyes. Tennessee recalled that moment with a bitter laugh.

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A man with an incredulous face was looking at him, and Tennessee instinctively moved his hand to search for his gun. But the feel of the bed sheets was different and – of course – there was no revolver. His first thought was how to subdue this man.

‘Amber. I’m Amber.’

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His foggy head seemed to clear. Amber…? You?

Although the face was clearly different from the one he knew, he felt relieved. But prosopagnosia made one somewhat tired. It makes you stay vigilant and tense every time.

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While he could recognize Amber now, the first few days were difficult, and honestly, he still hadn’t adjusted to his current face. It felt new and like a different person every time. Except for the scar, nothing remained as Tennessee remembered. To the point where he wondered if he was being deceived.

Tennessee shook his head at thoughts that even he felt were foolish and inefficient. Who would go to such effort and expense to deceive me? What am I worth? And if someone really wanted to deceive him, there must have been many people who could act similar to how Amber used to be, but now he was too convincingly different.

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“Amber, my cigarettes.”

Amber, who was organizing the drawer, took out cigarettes from his coat pocket. They were Tennessee’s cigarettes. Amber took out one cigarette from the pack and brought it to his lips. As he tried to take it with his lips, Amber pulled his hand back. When Tennessee, frowning, raised his chin again, the hand holding the cigarette moved away again.

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“This is a non-smoking area.”

“We can go outside.”

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“I’ll bring the wheelchair.”

Amber, smiling gently, seemed to turn around but then said this.

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“Oh, right, you’re not allowed to go out. The doctor said not to go outside because it’s bad for your immune system.”

Tennessee sighed. He had another surgery ahead of him, and since no doctor in the 21st century would recommend smoking, the smoking ban was inevitable. In front of the resigned Tennessee, Amber smiled playfully and held the cigarette. Then he snapped the cigarette in half right in front of his eyes. The tobacco fell apart.

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Did he have this much resentment toward me, or does he want to pick a fight with me now?

While the nicotine-craving patient was pondering this, Amber’s face showed clear satisfaction for anyone to see.

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“Have this instead.”

Then Amber rummaged through his pocket and took something out. Tennessee picked up the things that fell in front of him with a rustling sound.

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Tootsie roll.

It was dark brown taffy candy.

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“I bought these on purpose. The color looks just like it might match your ruined alveoli from smoking too much.”

It really is him.

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With his functioning left hand, Tennessee swatted away the candies.

With all the nursing, Amber had been getting tired and falling asleep more often lately. Tennessee clicked his tongue. It was only natural, with how busy he was taking care of him, doing everything else too.

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Amber tried to handle various paperwork as well. Tennessee needed to deal with hospital documents, bills and emails, and even real estate matters, and Amber pestered him saying he wanted to help. He became even more insistent after learning that Tennessee was planning to buy a house in Chicago.

Tennessee had decided to settle in Chicago right after hearing from the doctor about his recovery progress.

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‘When you have brain surgery, the brain swells. It takes at least 6 months for the brain swelling to go down. That’s the minimum. It can take up to a year.’

Instead of security work, he’d have to do office work as a security consultant like before. Or maybe just resting wouldn’t be bad either, the thought crossed Tennessee’s mind. A year would pass quickly enough. Since it wouldn’t be financially difficult, it wasn’t an unreasonable thought.

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‘And it takes a long time for bones to heal too. While the discharge won’t take long, complete recovery will.’

So of course Amber enthusiastically welcomed Tennessee’s plan to settle in Chicago for the time being. Though it was a strange mix of anger and welcome.

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‘Where are you going to go?’

‘Probably Chicago.’

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He hadn’t fully decided to take a break, but if he did work, Chicago, where the security company’s headquarters were, would be best.

‘That house, Tennessee. It has to be that old house.’

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‘…’

To Tennessee, Amber seemed to have deep regret about that house being sold.

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According to Amber, what Tennessee sold wasn’t just a house, but the memories that came with it.

Selling memories, he says… Tennessee sometimes thought about that house too. Not just that house specifically, but all the spaces that held memories with Amber, like fingerprints.

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Back when he lived in the studio apartment in Chicago. Amber would press his face close to the window to see the night view. When his nose touched the cold surface, his breath would fog up the glass. City lights. With both hands against the window, Amber would stare outside for a long time. Even after he stopped being amazed by the night view, Amber would still press his nose against the window and look outside.

That’s what you call memories, apparently. So Tennessee finally decided on that house from back then. Fortunately, it was possible.

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“Amber.”

He called out as a test, but Amber didn’t wake up. Maybe fatigue from the past few days had accumulated. Not wanting to wake him, Tennessee pulled the wheelchair beside him. Thankfully his left hand was fine. If he couldn’t move his left hand either, wouldn’t his lifespan have been shortened just from frustration?

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“Whew…”

Tennessee had to break a sweat just to get into the wheelchair by himself. His legs weren’t comfortable, and it was hard having to support his entire body with just his left hand. The fortunate thing was that Amber had locked the wheelchair’s wheels. If not for that, he wouldn’t have succeeded due to the wheelchair rolling around.

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After managing to get into the wheelchair through various struggles, Tennessee wiped his forehead, which was now drenched in sweat.

Getting into the wheelchair was difficult, but everything else went smoothly. Seeing Tennessee coming, people held the elevator door open for a long time waiting for him. Though he gestured for them to go ahead saying it was fine, a middle-aged woman even pushed him, perhaps feeling sorry seeing him moving with just one hand.

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“How did you get hurt?”

Tennessee didn’t answer as he found it bothersome, but the woman started making up his own story, saying ‘Poor thing, must have been in an accident.’

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“My son Jeremy also had a traffic accident…”

Since it wasn’t particularly unpleasant to hear, Tennessee just nodded vaguely. He received other small helps too, and Tennessee didn’t refuse them. He thought it was okay to accept as long as it wasn’t a big favor.

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And when Tennessee returned to the hospital room, the door was wide open. Tennessee stiffened and assessed the atmosphere.

Amber was sitting alone. He must have woken up quite a while ago as there was no trace of sleepiness. Tennessee pushed the wheelchair with difficulty using one hand, and because the sound was quiet, Amber didn’t notice him right away.

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As he entered, Tennessee saw Amber wearing what seemed like a stiff mask. It was the first time he’d seen such an expressionless face on Amber. It was as if his expression had been wiped clean, blank like a white canvas. You could draw anything on it. He wouldn’t have been surprised if anger lurked behind that blankness.

“What are you doing?”

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“Tennessee?”

Amber jumped up. It was a bright face contrasting with the earlier expressionlessness, as if it had been an illusion.

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“Where did you go?”

Tennessee furrowed his brows at the expression that changed as soon as Amber discovered him.

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“A walk. What’s wrong?”

No, just,

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“I thought you ran away.”

The tone was full of playfulness, but there was a weight in that message.

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“Why would I run away?”

“Right, of course.”

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Amber, who seemed to be thinking deeply, agreed with a look of understanding.

“You have surgery this week, how could you leave?”

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“…”

Amber had become more cynical in the time he hadn’t seen each other.

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And Amber marveled at how he got into the wheelchair alone. Before Tennessee could say anything, Amber quickly locked the wheelchair and bent down close. It meant for Tennessee to put his arm around Amber’s neck. The routine was that if Tennessee wrapped one arm around Amber’s neck and hung on, Amber would help lift him to sit on the wheelchair, otherwise Amber would have to completely lift him up.

Though it was contact he just couldn’t get used to, it was better than being carried like a princess. Hiding his uncomfortable feelings, Tennessee wrapped his arm around.

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“Was the walk nice?”

Their upper bodies were pressed close and ticklish breath touched his neck and shoulder. Amber put his arm around Tennessee’s waist. The arm crossing his back felt unfamiliar. The old Amber used to be small enough that he could have dangled from Tennessee.

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“Yeah.”

“Let’s go together next time.”

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Amber suggested while helping Tennessee get onto the bed effortlessly.

“Let’s eat ice cream together.”

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Tennessee nodded at Amber’s words.

“You said ice cream.”

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Doritos, Lays, Butterfinger, BabyRuth, 3 Musketeers. These were all the snacks Amber was holding in one hand.

Considering that the place Amber visits most frequently these days is none other than the vending machine, it’s not really surprising. On his other hand were a Mountain Dew and a root beer.

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Tennessee made a nauseated face seeing all the things tumbling out. Amber’s tendency as a faithful Mountain Dew enthusiast seemed to have now extended to root beer and Dr Pepper. Of course, Tennessee didn’t like any of the three.

“Is this why you’re staying in the hospital?”

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Amber burst out laughing, but Tennessee’s question contained about 65% sincerity. It was certain that as Amber’s size had grown, he needed more fuel too. Amber would instantly devour all those greasy, sweet, and salty things from where he sat. He didn’t forget to suck his thumb tip and raise the corners of his mouth in satisfaction.

“What about school?”

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Tennessee brought up the question he’d been curious about for a week. Amber was probably attending university. But during these two weeks, Amber hadn’t left the hospital room except to get books to read or necessities like clothes. He had faithfully stayed by Tennessee’s side throughout.

“I told you, Tennessee, that I won’t tell you.”

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Amber retorted that Tennessee should know how frustrating it is when your curiosity isn’t satisfied.

This was his karma, so Tennessee didn’t ask further. He had other methods anyway. If he just dropped hints to Elizabeth or David, they would readily tell him what a proud son and upright young man Amber was.

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“By the way, Elizabeth and David won’t tell you either.”

Tennessee raised his eyebrows at the unexpected words.

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“I warned them thoroughly.”

“Are you being spiteful?”

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“No.”

Amber shook his head saying that was absurd.

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“We’ll exchange questions later.”

Amber flatly refused with a bright face. Separate from regretfully refusing Tennessee, Amber’s heart was just filled with happiness. Even if he couldn’t promise what would happen in the future, each day being with Tennessee made his heart overflow.

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“I thought the more time passed, the less curious I’d be…”

“I think I’ve told you a lot.”

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“Not enough.”

Amber’s logic was that since Tennessee often kept his mouth shut, he had no choice but to use such underhanded methods.

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“What are you so curious about?”

Amber said there would be no end if he started asking questions.

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“So, let’s ask each other one by one. Until then, you can accumulate questions too, Tennessee.”

Amber’s large hand cautiously approached. It lightly touched the tip of Tennessee’s left hand. It felt like a feather had landed.

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The smooth touch of fingertips was unfamiliar, but it felt too sensitive to pull away. As Tennessee moved his fingers, he eventually let go when someone approached them.

A man in scrubs and Crocs appeared, and Tennessee instinctively tensed but soon sighed. He recognized the man by his voice and hand gestures. It was the nurse who came by occasionally.

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“Good morning, Ryker.”

“Good morning.”

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Amber naturally stepped aside, saying he’d clean up the snack trash. The nurse checked the IV in Tennessee’s arm and asked a few questions.

Tennessee couldn’t answer the questions right away as he was watching Amber’s back disappearing around the corner. The nurse laughed when Tennessee couldn’t concentrate at all. He smiled, knowing all too well.

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“Your boyfriend is as handsome as ever.”

Tennessee’s mind lit up as he was about to answer.

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…Boyfriend?

“All done.”

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Before Tennessee could grab him and explain, the nurse set down the medicine and paper cup. Then he disappeared with a look that seemed to say ‘what a lovely couple.’ Like passing a baton, Amber appeared from around the corner of the hallway.

“Amber, how did you introduce yourself to that person?”

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Tennessee’s interrogation began.

“Me? As Ryker.”

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He was usually quick-witted, and Ryker was also good at pretending to be oblivious.

“He thinks you’re my boyfriend.”

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“Ah.”

Amber swallowed the words that probably most of the hospital thought the same. Amber avoided eye contact. Though Amber claimed he was innocent and upright, he couldn’t escape the allegations.

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“How did you introduce yourself?”

“That word…. starting with P.”

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“Patr-”

“Partner.”

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“…Plus one, right.“¹

A scoff escaped Tennessee’s lips involuntarily. Not even as a business partner, but introducing himself as a partner while staying at the hospital constantly taking care of him was akin to coming out.

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“I didn’t mean it that way, but that’s how he seems to have taken it.”

Amber added regretfully.

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He insisted he truly meant partner, but people took it the wrong way.

“Shut up.”

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“It really wasn’t my fault.”

It didn’t work on Tennessee. He couldn’t shake the thought that Amber was gradually becoming more audacious.

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“I’m sorry.”

Just as an annoyed Tennessee was about to speak, Amber quickly apologized.

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“A few days ago, he asked what our relationship was since we don’t look like relatives. In that situation, I couldn’t tell him everything about our past, and I couldn’t find another word to replace it. And well…”

Amber smiled bitterly. The corners of his mouth that had tried to rise crumbled slightly.

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“I couldn’t say we’re nothing, because that’s not true. Are we really nothing?”

When asked like that, Tennessee had nothing to say again.

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“I’m sorry.”

Amber apologized again. Words of reproach rose to his throat but barely clung to Tennessee’s tongue. After much struggle, they finally went back in. What could he do when Amber was sorry?

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“Next time we meet, I’ll explain it.”

“What are you going to say?”

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Amber went ‘hmm’ and then laughed softly.

“I’m not sure, I’ll think about it.”

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Tennessee, who had been rubbing his temple, ended up shaking his head.

“Forget it, it doesn’t matter anyway.”

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They were people he would soon forget and never see again, and it would be ridiculous to go around explaining to each of them.

“You’re not angry, right?”

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“No.”

Tennessee couldn’t shake the feeling that he was somehow being led along by Amber.

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Tennessee, who had become serious, naturally found himself contemplating Amber’s impudence. He had an intuition that Amber was becoming more and more cunning as the years went by.

“Tennessee.”

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Something approached Tennessee’s lips, lost in deep thought. It was a pill.

The morphine Tennessee refused was highly addictive and had side effects, but it was a very effective and powerful painkiller. Along with the surgery site, Tennessee was in severe pain from his injuries, so he was regularly taking alternative painkillers.

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He reached out with his good left hand, but Amber shook his head. As he was about to insist, a round, smooth pill touched his lips. The pill carefully slipped through his barely parted lips.

“Open wider.”

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Now, Tennessee’s lips were only slightly parted, enough for a breath to escape. When Tennessee reacted indifferently, Amber’s thumb touched his lower lip. The warm fingertip pressed against the swollen red lower lip. Reluctantly, Tennessee relaxed his lips, and Amber smiled contentedly.

He thought Amber would make him bite down on his finger, but instead, Amber’s finger passed the lower lip and slipped slightly into his moist mouth. It was a light entry, just enough for Amber’s fingertip to touch his teeth. If Amber’s thumb went in just a bit more, it would touch the tender flesh inside his mouth.

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While holding Tennessee’s mouth open like that, Amber pushed the pills in one by one. After putting all the pills in his mouth, he brought a cup of water too. As Tennessee drank, his eyes looked up. Whenever Tennessee looked at him, their eyes always met. Amber’s gaze was always on Tennessee.

“Good boy.”

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Tennessee’s brow furrowed slightly at those words, which Amber noticed with uncanny perception.

“That’s me. I’m such a good boy, taking care of you like this.”

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Good boy, Amber.

While praising himself loudly enough to be heard, Amber rested his forehead on Tennessee’s shoulder. Knowing Tennessee’s physical condition, it was a light touch like flower petals landing.

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Tennessee stroked Amber’s black hair. Not expecting it, Amber’s shoulders stiffened, but Tennessee nodded without noticing.

Why hadn’t he stroked his hair more like this before? Amber’s hair was so soft it made him regret it, and it pleasantly disheveled under his palm.

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“Yeah. You’re a good boy, Amber.”

His masculine strong and dark eyebrows rise. Every time Amber blinked, his shadowed eyelashes seemed to flutter like butterfly wings. When this handsome man who would draw attention anywhere smiled softly, his beauty shone even more.

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“Thank you.”