AA Chapter 7.2

Tennessee couldn’t focus on work at all. People even seriously advised him to take a day off. He realized he wasn’t separating personal and professional matters, but it wasn’t something reason could fix. This was a first for him. If this had been a hit job instead of security work, he would have definitely messed it up.

He couldn’t go home.

He couldn’t forget Amber’s helpless appearance, his soul twisted and wounded, exposed bare. Though he knew he had caused great shame and hurt to him, he couldn’t find another way.

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After leaving the room, Tennessee discovered dozens of missed calls on his phone. It was David’s number. He would call occasionally, but having over twenty missed calls was unusual.

After just a few rings, Elizabeth answered the phone.

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Tennessee turned around at the rushed words mixed with sobbing.

‘Either leave, or give up.’

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That wasn’t just meant for Amber. Tennessee also had homework to do.

***

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“Amber.”

Tennessee called his name. Amber had just woken up. His complexion was pale. Tennessee glanced at the feet sticking out from the end of the blanket. There was a bandage on the left foot, with darkened bloodstains visible over it.

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He saw Amber’s family behind him, but he avoided their gaze. David, who was about to say something, covered his mouth and turned away. He trembled slightly and left the hospital room with reddened eyes. Elizabeth was no different. He followed behind him with a face shadowed by complicated feelings and despair.

“How are you feeling?”

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“I’m fine.”

Amber coughed while speaking. His voice was very hoarse. Amber held his forehead as his head hurt with each cough.

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“What happened?”

Looking now, there were small scratches on his face and arms as if he had taken a big fall. A heavy silence fell. Tennessee considered pressing him for answers but chose to hold his tongue.

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After some time had passed, Amber, who had been drinking water and catching his breath, opened his chapped lips.

“Tennessee.”

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Tennessee nodded. This didn’t seem like just an accident. Whoever it was, he vowed to find him and wring his neck right away.

“…I saw Mr. Hurston.”

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Tennessee furrowed his brow, not quite understanding what Amber had said.

“Hurston? William Hurston?”

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“Yes. Here in Chicago.”

Damn it. Tennessee blamed himself. He shouldn’t have left such a sloppy trail. That was Tennessee’s mistake.

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If he had been his usual self, he would have killed him cleanly.

At first, Tennessee headed to Oregon with a rifle, intending to blow his head off in one shot.

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After completing all preparations, just as Hurston came into the crosshairs, reading a book with a peaceful expression. Just as he was about to pull the trigger, Amber suddenly came to mind. When he entered the bathroom, remembering Amber curled up protecting his body and that young body trembling, he thought killing him would be too merciful. Hurston needed to suffer more. So Tennessee let him live.

However, he couldn’t accept letting him live unscathed. Tennessee first planned to torture him slowly and meticulously. He intended to mercifully end his life only when he begged to be killed. For that, he couldn’t act impulsively. He needed to prepare thoroughly and execute the plan at the right time.

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After several trips abroad, Tennessee finally entered the US and, seizing an opportunity, put his plan into action. He kidnapped Hurston right as he was about to get in his car, completely unaware. What followed wasn’t difficult.

First, he cut off his right arm.

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He made Hurston, who had awakened from anesthesia in a dazed state, verify his own arm himself. To Hurston, who was screaming with a gag in his mouth, he repeatedly asked.

‘Do you know why I’m doing this?’

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Hurston sobbed, shaking his head.

‘Think carefully.’

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Unable to properly scream, Hurston sobbed and pleaded before suddenly exploding in anger. Then he cried again and begged pathetically.

It was three hours later when Amber’s name finally came from Hurston’s mouth.

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Tennessee didn’t stop there. Simply making him fall into the abyss wasn’t satisfying enough. At least his roots needed to be permanently planted in the abyss with no way out. So Tennessee changed his mind and decided to keep him alive longer.

‘Why are you doing this to me! Why?!’

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To Hurston’s screams, Tennessee smiled and said,

‘I wonder why? Ask those children you tormented.’

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One per generation. Hurston would take in several children and single out just one to isolate. He didn’t want conflict to arise between himself and the children, so he targeted just one child. Other children who could sense the subtle atmosphere and differences in affection gradually distanced themselves from that child, and soon the isolation led to bullying, then to persistent and cruel violence.

Hurston smiled contentedly watching the child who had become lonely with rock-bottom self-esteem. While knowing that he himself, Hurston, was the source of all problems, he watched with satisfaction as the child reached out to him to get some affection.

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In Hurston’s experience, children couldn’t reject the hand extended after being tormented to their limit. Nothing excited Hurston more than watching the backs of children who ended up walking straight into the arms of people like Taylor Watson.

And Hurston’s cruel past came back like this.

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‘I’ll apologize! I’ll apologize, ple, please… ack, ugh, PLEASEE.’

After pulling out another molar, Hurston couldn’t even finish his sentence. It had only been a few hours, and after giving such nightmares to Amber, it wouldn’t do to pretend to repent so soon. Resting his chin on his hand, Tennessee shook his head. It wouldn’t end so easily.

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While pulling out the remaining molars, a phone screen flashing caught his eye. Tennessee checked his phone after removing his gloves. It wasn’t saved in his contacts, but the number appearing on the screen was one he had already memorized.

‘Hello?’

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[Can I ask you something?]

It was Amber.

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‘Yeah.’

Hurston screamed somehow trying to get help, but those muffled sounds barely leaked out. Tennessee crossed his legs leisurely and put a cigarette in his mouth.

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[Tennessee, are you straight?]

Why would he ask such a question?

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After pondering briefly, Tennessee decided not to think too deeply about it since Amber was still young and it was a time to be curious about everything.

‘No, I’m bi.’

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Strictly speaking, Tennessee had no experience with men. He had sexual desires and occasionally had one-night stands, but he never considered himself promiscuous. But hearing Amber’s question, he thought, why not with a guy?

Even after getting an answer, the other end of the line remained quiet. Looking at the screen, the call was still connected. What’s going on? As he wondered, there was a loud bang. It was the sound of Hurston strongly hitting his head against the metal table. I should secure his forehead too.

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‘I’m hanging up now.’

Putting the phone back in its place, Tennessee took out new medical gloves.

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‘Aaagh! I’ll apologize to the children, isn’t apologizing enough?! Please! Aagh!’

‘Don’t even think about going near the kids. Apologize plenty to me.’

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It might be good to brand him too. Tennessee firmly gripped the front teeth with pliers. He twisted him out in one motion.

‘AAAAGHHH!’

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He twisted out the other one in one go too. Tennessee gave him a moment to fully savor the pain. Hurston wailed.

‘Why are you doing this to me! Why?! Who are you, who are you!’

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‘I am all the children you’ve watched, touched, tormented, broken, and killed until now.’

Tennessee decided to keep Hurston alive longer. After taking the time, it seemed a shame to kill him so soon considering all the effort so far.

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‘I’ll let you live. But you’ll have to hide well so I can’t see you.’

With this warning, Tennessee let him go. As soon as he was released, Hurston hid himself, but no matter where he hid, Tennessee found him. He didn’t forget to leave small gifts. Like Hansel and Gretel’s breadcrumbs, they were very small but identifiable marks.

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Sometimes it was bullets, sometimes photos taken when Hurston’s arm was amputated. Every time Hurston saw the gifts placed on shabby beds or worn-out sinks, he would wail before collapsing in sobs. And he struggled desperately to survive somehow.

The last time he confirmed his whereabouts was at some homeless shelter in New York. William Hurston was clumsily injecting heroin into his right forearm with his left arm. Escaping through drugs wouldn’t do. When he became more addicted to drugs, when he couldn’t live without them, Tennessee planned to capture and kill him somewhere. Watching that scene, Tennessee stubbed out his cigarette. When was that?

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“He had changed so much I didn’t recognize him at first. He was homeless.”

He hadn’t expected him to come to Chicago, or that he would meet Amber even by chance.

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“I was planning to save money after becoming independent and sue him.”

Elizabeth and David would have helped, but he didn’t want to ask for help.

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Amber continued with a bitter expression.

“But I didn’t know he was already living such a life.”

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Amber coughed roughly between words. Didn’t they say he showed symptoms of pneumonia too?

“…Was it you who made Hurston like that, Tennessee?”

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Why didn’t he contact me? Tennessee wondered. If it were him, he would have gone anywhere to find Amber. And he would have blown Hurston’s head off right in front of Amber. Though he had already planned how to kill him, it didn’t matter. Like showing there are no monsters under the bed or in the closet anymore, he would have gladly acted.

But looking back, it was a laughable thought. After pushing him away so coldly.

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“Yes. I did it.”

“Why did you do it?”

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Amber asked in a hoarse voice. It was the first time he heard resentment from him. Before, Amber didn’t even know how to properly plead, and that despair would often turn into anger.

“Why did you take my revenge for me?”

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“It’s not like that.”

“Why did you do it…? Am I just a child to you, a child who needs to be spoon-fed everything?”

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Amber’s voice cracked. Amber had no room to collect his thoughts right now. He was tired. This is too much, Amber thought. He felt worn down by Tennessee’s silence as he just stared without saying a word.

“How much more are you going to humiliate me?”

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“No. You…”

Tennessee carefully chose his words.

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“It’s not because you can’t do it. It’s because that’s the kind of person I am.”

Tennessee declared that he had simply acted according to his nature, not because he were some great person or righteous individual, or someone who had such rights, but simply because he could kill someone even for just annoying him.

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He hadn’t even considered what plans Amber might have had regarding Hurston. Such thoughts didn’t even cross his mind. He was just angry and wanted to vent that anger. There was no reason to direct it elsewhere or endure it.

No different from someone who would harm others just for splashing muddy water on his shoes. He knew this, but so what? Tennessee was fundamentally saying that’s the kind of person he was.

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“When did you… It was because of me, right?”

“Amber.”

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Tennessee’s tone was clearly irritated.

“Don’t think too much. The moment I heard your words, I immediately thought about how and where I’d tear him apart. It was foolish from the start, leaving loose ends. How stupid of me.”

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Tennessee’s opinion hadn’t changed that killing was too merciful. Hurston deserved to live a life of perpetual suffering, always looking over his shoulder. But if Amber was having nightmares because of him, killing him would be nothing. Especially now that he was just a street person who wouldn’t be missed, unlike before when he had a family that others would envy.

“Don’t you understand what I’m saying?!”

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At Amber’s cry, Tennessee rubbed his forehead. In truth, he didn’t exactly understand why Amber was resenting and angry with him right now. He spoke as if rolling a pencil while facing a difficult problem.

“I took revenge for you. You lost your chance.”

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“You can’t sleep, Tennessee.”

Amber shook his head, saying it was the wrong answer. Tears streamed down his cheeks every time he blinked. Amber wiped them away carelessly.

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“I’m not angry that you took it for me, though I do regret it.”

Yes, this was it. Amber pulled out the anguish that had been troubling him for so long.

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“Why did you do it? Why did you dirty your hands?”

“You’re misunderstanding something, my hands didn’t get dirty. One drop of blood on already stained hands…”

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“Don’t say that.”

Having stopped crying, Amber bit his lip. Now Amber was about the same height as Tennessee. Images of young Amber overlapped. Moments when tears welled up in those wide blue eyes.

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“What about Derek?”

“He probably met a similar fate.”

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“Tennessee, please don’t.”

Catching his surging breath, Amber whispered.

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“You might think it doesn’t affect you, but that’s not true. No one is unaffected.”

“Don’t try to teach me.”

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“You can’t even sleep alone.”

“…Ha.”

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Tennessee let out a frustrated sigh, finding it ridiculous. Having wiped away all his tears, Amber’s face was strangely better than when he first entered the hospital room. His complexion was still pale, but something in his eyes was different.

“Are you going to kill Mr. Hurston?”

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“Yes. Right away.”

I’m telling you not to. Amber’s attitude was like that of a teacher looking at a disobedient student. Tennessee made no attempt to hide his incredulity.

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Why are you telling me what to do and what not to do?

If Amber was like a teacher, Tennessee added a comment while sitting crookedly like a problem student.

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“He deserves to die.”

Amber sighed. Tennessee caught the meaning mixed in that sigh, something like ‘how do I save this unethical person,’ and snorted.

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Though he might give in if pressed further, Amber changed the subject.

“Did you come because you heard I was sick?”

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Tennessee stubbornly kept his lips sealed.

While Amber was contemplating whether to show his rising resentment again, Tennessee was lost in different thoughts.

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‘If you move, I’ll stab you.’

He recalled Amber saying that. It was when they first met. Amber, holding scissors to a man with a gun, acting quite skillfully and shamelessly. He looked like he felt no guilt for lying. But at the same time,

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‘It feels like home, so I’d rather starve than steal from someone who gave me that.’

Thinking about it, Amber, with his firm will and own standards, seemed to have existed even then. While Tennessee would have stolen everything regardless of loyalty, Amber stubbornly and steadfastly held onto his humanity.

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“Tennessee, please comfort me.”

‘Please hug me tight.’

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Remembering how Amber had said that once, Tennessee unknowingly let his guard down. Amber used to cling to him so dependently.

Tennessee stood up. He intended to hug him.

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But Amber, sitting on the hospital bed, shook his head.

“If you’re going to comfort me, I want a kiss instead of a hug. A peck.”

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“…You said you didn’t need my pity, but isn’t this hitting rock bottom?”

Amber, who often received ‘sharp’ comments from Tennessee, genuinely thought Tennessee had a problem with his words. Amber openly showed his frustration.

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“That’s what someone who’s well-fed would say. What’s begging when you’re starving to death?”

Don’t you know you’ll die if you keep your pride? That was the tone.

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“Why are you being so stingy with your lips as if they’re worth that much?”

Even hearing such words, Tennessee hesitated. Hewould have done it for the Amber of the past. As he said, his lips weren’t particularly precious. But somehow, after hearing Amber’s confession, he felt reluctant. It seemed like something he shouldn’t do.

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But Amber showed no hesitation.

“Tennessee.”

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Amber reached out with his left hand that had been under the blanket. Amber extended his hand slowly, as if handling a wild beast. When Amber finally grasped Tennessee’s left hand, Tennessee’s shoulders tensed up. Like an animal sensing threat, his arm tensed.

Though the touch was careful, Tennessee almost reflexively pushed him away. It was only through superhuman willpower that he didn’t push Amber away.

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Amber closed his eyes with a faint smile. At the silent urging, Tennessee pulled back.

Thinking about it, it wasn’t a big deal. A peck was something Amber would do with Annie and Cody too.

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Tennessee, who had somehow grabbed the bed’s headboard, blinked rapidly. Just yesterday, Tennessee had gotten this close to Amber. At that time, Amber was literally at a loss for what to do. He repeatedly clenched and unclenched his fists tightly, and whenever Tennessee approached, he trembled with anxiety as if it were an enemy’s advance.

What on earth happened in just one day?

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Now Tennessee was in a state similar to Amber’s yesterday.

He had a choice. He could step back and tell Amber to stop the stupid joke, or scold him for acting cheap.

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But he felt a strange compulsion as if someone was grabbing his nape and pulling him down. That impulse, disguised as compulsion, fanned Tennessee’s flames.

Amber remained still with eyes closed, waiting. As if certain that Tennessee would kiss him.

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It’s just a greeting.

As if forcibly overcoming his hesitation, Tennessee pressed his lips firmly.

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Contact.

The moment he realized this, what had felt like a light breath swept over him like a gust of wind. Amber opened his eyes in surprise. Blue eyes met. It was at that moment. When Amber’s eyes curved gently and he felt genuine joy, Amber closed his eyes again as if by magic.

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Tennessee hastily pulled back.

“When I become an adult, I’ll come find you.”

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As if anticipating such a reaction from Tennessee, Amber remained composed. With wet lips, that’s what he said.

“Don’t come.”

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Wiping his lips with the back of his hand, Tennessee stepped back. This wasn’t the time for this. Since he had just rushed out, he needed to go back.

“At least give me a chance then.”

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“Chances or whatever, I’m not attracted to you.”

“At least try. It’s not completely impossible, right?”

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It was clear he was considering Tennessee’s bisexuality, but the words struck Tennessee differently. Amber silently watched the suddenly busy Tennessee. It’s not like he didn’t know Tennessee.

“I don’t want to try.”

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Tennessee blurted out while opening the hospital room door.

“What’s Tennessee’s type then?”

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“Women who are experienced, straightforward about relationships, and active in bed.”

…You’re bi, though.

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Amber chuckled. Along with words to take care of himself, Tennessee hurriedly turned around. Amber waved until that retreating figure was out of sight.

What nonsense did I just listen to? In the elevator, Tennessee clicked his tongue. Checking his phone, he found many missed calls.

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Something came up. I have to go. Since he disappeared after saying just that, there must be a lot he had wanted to say, but a troublesome situation had arisen.

Running his hand through his hair out of habit, Tennessee hurried. Then he stopped as if he had been kicked.

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He’d felt it since they first met, but he was a stubborn kid. Even while crying his eyes out, he somehow said everything he wanted to say, and he kept getting his way. He could almost hear that serious voice saying he wanted to talk when he became an adult. It felt like just yesterday when he was calling out ‘Tennessee!’ in his pre-pubescent voice.

Tennessee consciously wiped his lips.

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***

Amber always felt that anxiety. The awareness that his relationship with Tennessee was only possible because of Tennessee’s permission and will. The fear that if he suddenly decided to disappear, or if he died, he would never be able to find him again.

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Amber recalled the ten-digit number he had memorized. Though Tennessee had long since discarded that number, he still couldn’t forget it. Like a mantra, he would recite the ten digits quietly whenever he felt anxious.

When the school year changed, Amber visited Chicago. He knew it wasn’t right to go back to Chicago after just a few months when he had promised to visit after becoming an adult. But he was tempted to just watch from afar. He wondered if he was doing well, if he was sleeping well. He had no intention of meeting him. He just missed him.

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But Tennessee’s house was empty. Seeing Tennessee’s dark house, Amber sighed. Well, it would have been more surprising if Tennessee had been home.

He noticed something was wrong after a few weeks had passed.

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When Amber headed to Chicago again on the weekend, he discovered a small sign attached to Tennessee’s front door. There was also a sign in front of the small flower pot beside the stairs. Words that hadn’t been there during his last visit.

[FOR LEASE]

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Below it were the name and phone number of someone who was clearly a real estate agent.

Amber, whose face had suddenly drained of color, checked the sign again. No matter how many times he looked, nothing changed. This was definitely Tennessee’s house where he and Tennessee occasionally spent a few days together.

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But not anymore.

Amber buried his face in the steering wheel. Tennessee had put the house up for lease. Without saying a word to  him, without leaving any clue about where to find him.

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Amber bit his lip.

What about his company? Had he disposed of everything? Had he completely hidden himself? Amber anxiously clutched his head. He needed to think calmly, but his mind wasn’t working properly. What should he do? Should he look for him at his company? What should he say if he goes there?

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He didn’t even have anything to say. After all, he was the one who said he would come find him when he became an adult.

How pathetic must Tennessee think he is? But he felt too anxious and uneasy to let things end like this. What if Tennessee putting up his house for lease wasn’t due to special circumstances, but to cut ties with him?

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“…Liar.”

His greatest fear had actually come true. Amber sat there endlessly, staring at the space that used to be Tennessee’s house.

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“Coward.”

He had freed himself from him like breaking free from shackles and left. No, no. Tennessee owed him. He had said so himself.

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He wasn’t the type of person who would leave someone behind like this, Amber consoled himself.

Upon arriving in Michigan, Amber sought out Elizabeth. Amber still hadn’t forgotten how Elizabeth had been exchanging emails with Tennessee while he had been waiting eagerly for his calls that came only once every few months. The feeling of betrayal from back then had taken days to fully vent.

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But neither Elizabeth nor David had any means of contacting Tennessee.

“What’s wrong, Ryker?”

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David asked, grabbing hold of Amber who was moving restlessly and speaking incoherently.

How can I find him again?

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That was the only question in Amber’s mind.

What should I do?

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Tennessee hates drugs. If I buy drugs… or if I say I hurt myself…

“Ryker!”

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Only at Elizabeth’s shrill cry did Amber realize he had spoken those foolish thoughts out loud.

“What are you talking about?”

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Amber suddenly came to his senses. Though their faces showed nothing but confusion as if they hadn’t heard properly, Amber couldn’t lift his head out of shame at himself. Even if it was just an impulse, just a thought, to think of such things… he was the worst.

“…Tennessee was right.”

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He felt like he might cry from frustration.

“I really am still a child.”

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He wanted to become an adult right away. A mature person who could stand by Tennessee’s side. A better person, an improved person.

Amber took a deep breath.

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Tennessee wasn’t the type of person who would abandon him like this.

‘Stay here.’

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‘I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you beforehand if I’m going to leave.’

While cooling down, Amber took out a paper. The address was Tennessee’s security company.

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Even if he hadn’t abandoned him, this was something deserving of resentment.

Two weeks later, Amber wrote a letter to Tennessee. After wondering where to send it, he wrote the address of Tennessee’s security company headquarters. Worried that it might be delivered incorrectly, he made sure to write ‘Security Consultant, Tennessee’ in large letters.

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The reason it took two weeks to write the letter was that it took that long to control his feelings full of bitter sarcasm and resentment and find emotional balance.

Nevertheless, he couldn’t completely hide the nuance of blame, and thus in a flat in London, Tennessee came to open a letter full of resentment.

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[To Tennessee,

Saying I feel betrayed doesn’t seem enough. How could you leave without a word? Don’t say ‘you agreed to come back when you became an adult.’ As you said, I’m just a child. Don’t you know how much trauma such a sudden separation leaves on a sensitive, emotional teenager like me? Thanks to you, I’m receiving counseling.

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That last statement was an exaggeration. Though I am receiving counseling, it’s not because of you, Tennessee. After seeing Mr. Hurston in Chicago last time, Elizabeth had some change of heart and pushed me into the counseling room.

At first, I didn’t even want to mention it, but having counseling once a week wasn’t such a bad experience. I’m getting better gradually so don’t worry. And don’t think about making excuses like ‘your high school life’ or ‘your SAT exam’ or ‘adjusting to your new family.’ Those are my problems, problems for me to handle. No matter how Tennessee tries to dress it up, the fact that you ran away doesn’t change.

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I’m still waiting for Tennessee’s call that might never come. How nice would it be if I at least had a way to contact you? It’s unfair that Tennessee can come here and see me anytime while I can’t do the same. It’s unfair. Not that I’m telling you not to come. Just know how much I wait, how much comfort I took just from knowing you were in a place I knew.

And don’t mistake the lack of an ‘f’ word in my letter for peace. Of course, I’m doing well. But even if I live the happiest life in this world, please don’t forget that I’m waiting for your call. I wish you would contact me. You’re my… you know, the one that starts with P.]

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P…? Patron? As Tennessee frowned, Amber, as if anticipating it, had written this below.

[Partner.

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From your partner, Amber.]

And then about two months later, another letter arrived. Through the letter, Amber elaborated on how Tennessee was a cold-blooded person without blood or tears, and how he had left deep wounds and the pain of separation in his young self, pricking at Tennessee’s remaining conscience.

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[I don’t even know if this letter reached you properly. What troubles me most is that I wouldn’t know even if Tennessee got hurt or if something serious happened.]

Tennessee, after contemplating, postponed his decision. He planned to think about it more before deciding whether to reply or not. When he actually picked up the pen, he recalled the warmth that spread when his lips met firmly. When he put down the pen, he could hear Amber’s low voice. What should I do?

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Tennessee closed his eyes. Amber had always been like a huge headache to him, a question, a mystery, and a disaster that was completely out of reach. He couldn’t control him even when he tried, and he couldn’t just leave him alone either.

It was after Tennessee had let several months pass without making a decision.

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In the next letter, Amber wrote just one line:

[How nice would it be if I could turn my back on Tennessee. I’m sorry.]

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A sigh escaped.

That was the last letter.

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***

It was a full two years later when Amber heard news of Tennessee.

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Two years. Amber had become the adult he so desperately wanted to be, and was just getting used to his own feverish excitement.

Now Amber no longer stayed up all night thinking of Tennessee. He no longer stood aimlessly in front of that building in Chicago, though he now lived close enough to visit anytime. But he hadn’t given up.

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He had simply learned to challenge in his own way. The love-hate of resenting Tennessee, yet not being able to let go, the sweet waiting.