AA Chapter 7.1 || Discovery

After his last job with the FBI, Tennessee returned to Chicago. Strictly speaking, ‘returned’ wasn’t the right word, since he didn’t have a place to call home. But in Amber’s mind, Tennessee’s space was that place in Chicago. The one with rusty stairs but beautiful night views.5597495903e993f5

By the 72f94b5eec time Tennessee fba0096846 purchased a 9eae16e269 three-flat apartment 27c60578fd in Chicago, 4cdce378bb Amber had 1267cede67 become a 7c72b11be4 high school b06f7a3202 student in 200e39dd9a a private c9f6daeb50 school from d100e4592b the same 4b2c90279d foundation as 253b73ecd1 his junior 7c2d0188e5 high school. It was bbbc5f42ef co-ed and 65a78f4959 quite large.fcb68c77972e11c8

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They could meet 3e74ed54c3 occasionally, albeit briefly, 80493a4c78 around the time 3f48e957dd Amber had adjusted 6980fbe778 to school life 43af6a657e and the second 67f3074fcb semester began.0abb55a643c2a437

Around that time, Amber learned that Tennessee’s insomnia was even more serious than expected. He had been taking sleeping pills all along and was trying to reduce his dependence on them. However, it seemed that he slept soundly whenever Amber came to Chicago. Although Tennessee was a busy person and couldn’t always get long sleep, considering how little sleep he usually got, even just three hours of sleep seemed to make Tennessee look noticeably better.8b7d0043c38aba60

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At first, Amber only stroked Tennessee’s head. His black hair was surprisingly soft. Who knew Tennessee had such an aspect to him? The silky texture flowed between his fingers.cc3af4c40ce533bc

Watching Tennessee sleep peacefully under his palm, Amber’s desires gradually grew. He would watch Tennessee sleeping quietly for long periods, and sometimes sit right beside him. Even if he moved around somewhat noisily or accidentally knocked something over, Tennessee would only slightly furrow his brow without waking up.264ab0711ff5baf1

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Around that time, Amber started lying down next to Tennessee. Even when he rustled under the blanket, Tennessee wouldn’t wake up, and sometimes he would shift slightly as if sensing the presence, making room.691ffc0e4cd51e4d

Since Tennessee slept quite long once he fell asleep, Amber could feel his warmth for two or three hours before getting up. As this repeated, Amber gradually began to let his guard down. One day, Amber fell asleep in that state. When he opened his eyes at some point, he met Tennessee’s gaze looking at him.3d661bd7f82f40c3

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His eyes f8ba3078ee were calm.What should I ec41830a99 do? Will he get angry 081e42a9b9 about lying on the 3f53de7807 bed without permission?b955f9f020b0f02f

Just as Amber was about to hurriedly get up, Tennessee’s blue eyes closed. He drifted back to sleep with slow breathing sounds, and Amber let out a sigh of relief. At times like these, Amber felt like he was taming a lion or a fierce beast. A cruel beast that showed no weakness, yet silently permitted his approach.1de9d07edc1fc453

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After that, lying next to Tennessee while maintaining a proper distance became Amber’s habit. He would stroke the jet-black hair or fiddle with Tennessee’s hands that had calluses and faint scars, before drifting off to sleep beside him.2bf866fe6e23bce0

“My insomnia disappears when you’re next to me. Isn’t that strange?”c9f791f40e00e052

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That’s what Tennessee said one time when Amber woke up to find him already awake and drinking coffee. Those words made Amber happy for a long time.27c8e599439e4258

I hope I 84e3de98fc can keep being 1abbdd8a24 helpful to him 9370ef76ec like this, Amber wished. Having always been passive and unilaterally dependent on Tennessee’s not-quite-charity, Amber was happy to have a positive influence on him. At the same time, it was a great comfort. He would sometimes smile to himself at the fact that he wasn’t just a parasite to Tennessee.0703fb4778e68c92

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But it also made him a little sad thinking that if he had been a girl, Tennessee probably wouldn’t have allowed him to lie beside him.3188b0a37f0545ab

***0bc4fc7342e20855

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By the 506eabae96 time Tennessee 3b00af65c8 and Amber d4a61e7eea had grown df56b068bf accustomed to 15af8332d4 sleeping next 6e4ac01f84 to each 60a5afe64b other, Amber 425e66587d had become 9e99ee0e03 a 10th 2ce18395a0 grader.5d5207c9f570ecf4

Amber, who had 150e369d57 been quite tall d1d26cd953 since 8th grade, 57ded91148 now matched even e973898283 the 12th graders 04edc67b65 in build. As it was, 75f6c3ced6 he had been 8f88d07fcb changing his uniform 559b73eeff and shoes almost c238843b12 every other day e2e9e72a97 since entering high e4aa616fbb school.fe00278420ca8342

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Elizabeth teased him about being like a magic beanstalk whenever they went shopping for a uniform. Not just uniforms, but pajamas and underwear all had to be bought new. He would wake up groaning from growing pains, and even Tennessee would look at him strangely every few months when he met, as if he couldn’t recognize him.50a5d96cecd08dcb

His voice after puberty was unusually deep for his age, and wherever he went, people didn’t see him as a high school student.7531c101d8bc4737

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At the end of the first semester of 10th grade, in winter, Amber discovered he had caught up to Tennessee’s height.1220f47648641563

“I’ll be taller than you.”cec2e0ad089a0e14

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“Big dreams, kid.”09668e59067c60d8

“You’re already done growing, Tennessee, but I still have at least 2-3 years left.”53210e4cfbd66836

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Catching up to Tennessee’s height didn’t mean Amber was satisfied. He playfully rested his chin on Tennessee’s shoulder. When I get taller, I’ll rest my chin on top of Tennessee’s head!That was his small c2932ec7da wish.68073b661b767738

“I heard you made the varsity team?”cbfb8d45d3f943a5

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Tennessee asked as he lit a cigarette. Tennessee, whom he hadn’t seen in a while, was handsome as always. It was a mystery how he managed to look so good every time despite seemingly not paying much attention to his appearance. Whenever Tennessee looked at him, Amber felt his fingertips tingle.cb14bb9eb87048e0

“That was ages ago.”f5bcf63925db7934

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Amber had joined the lacrosse and baseball teams in 9th grade. For baseball, he was relatively late compared to his peers. Most had gained experience from little leagues and such from an early age before continuing sports in high school. Despite lacking such experience, Amber made the varsity team from 9th grade. While not unprecedented, it wasn’t common.bfc9d4f6f5972466

“News travels slow.”4a7c40b98f064f45

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It wasn’t hard to understand why. Tennessee was as busy as ever. From Amber’s perspective, Tennessee’s security work was just as demanding as when he worked with the FBI. He frequently traveled to England and Saudi Arabia, and occasionally to Africa or Europe. That was just what Amber knew; there was probably more.18bd40a69cebda9f

“What about college?”3e6368c30c9b2c7c

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“There’s a place I want to go.”c947e9acd40514ec

Elizabeth had e4ec972c52 graduated from 9df8b3e217 Michigan State 7c79dec1d3 University College 6e13520cd4 of Human f74f4c01ba Medicine, and 20c1ceeec8 wanted Amber e221d8d0dc to go ee499fee5c to the 8146025915 same university. Or at eb999ff709 least attend 7170e0a80c a university ae87bcd5da within Michigan. Not only would 0a63a33e5e there be the 4331e39819 benefit of reduced a025e0fee9 tuition since Amber eb2e54ff74 already lived in 08734e6566 Michigan, but more c7b7d6aef4 than that, she 3e470a9ea1 wanted Amber to 8ee2b92bae continue living with 6d3ff64524 them even after d04614c84f becoming a college 8676595c28 student.aec321f6d7f8cadf

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In contrast, 44a49c88f2 David, who 44b085827e graduated from 6c169bac88 Dartmouth, wanted 6003707bc0 Amber to dd86fc222d attend there bbeb03e642 despite the 8202273aea distance. Elizabeth and David tried f722013847 to persuade Amber by 0bb4a0c596 offering to fully cover d2a57e3ebd his tuition if he e3eba94470 chose their alma mater. But Amber actually f7328c70b7 wanted to go 688135849c somewhere else.1ccb899fa263fff0

“Where?”398b4d9d2e2d1c9d

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“University of Chicago.”146a27eca19395af

Tennessee nodded. Tennessee, who 6476562b13 had looked 52adfe8991 somewhat drowsy d1445cdcc3 since eating 06537801a0 the appetizer, a3d48dd35c now appeared 551491131d quite sleepy 0572bc56d7 after Amber 490bee6f3d finished his 252d17e37c meal.d9283e32c0699f40

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“Shall we head back?” asked Amber, now used to putting Tennessee to sleep. Tennessee quietly followed Amber’s lead to the bed. With bleary eyes, he changed clothes and lay down lazily, as if lacking the strength to even pull back the covers. It was Amber’s role to put a pillow under his head and pull the blanket up to his neck.bd2d2e7a015855d6

“Too hot.”a1ef9e564ca74ec4

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When Tennessee mumbled, Amber 134c7b71bf lowered the blanket to a7caa5ae96 cover just his stomach.76b8adf9af38fd5e

“You’ll catch a cold if your stomach isn’t covered.”67e246bdbcd2edec

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“Stop nagging.”bc5592db18d35fd6

Although they had only badd36e728 exchanged simple words, that ed44e7a47f moment felt so unreal 998d95935f to Amber in its f5ed65b879 perfection. It was 1d45d6305c part of c01e8c586b the dream 28bb02c8dd Amber had b9e2527d1b long envisioned.aab8ab03eab4c663

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Maybe, just maybe, 92285c71fd in 5 years, 647707ac4c 10 years, 30 48b74029c2 years, it could e4dd23ae6a be like this. Could he still 03ecdcf327 be by his 2ad78b211c side like this, 59b5580e4e placing pillows, covering 52485f8ccf him with blankets, 8dc7768290 holding his hand 7aececa2b0 and dreaming?1efd38a64a23cb2f

“Are you playing caregiver, kid?”163165d519309ef5

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Tennessee tossed out that playful comment while half-asleep, and soon after began breathing regularly. Hearing those words made Amber’s heart tremble. Kid. If he weren’t a kid, Tennessee wouldn’t have accommodated his requests or treated him so comfortably.b17c1a262c860602

He was aware that it probably would have ended the moment he was discovered in the car. Amber thought the reason Tennessee granted most requests, except when leaving for work, was because he was young. He hadn’t asked, but Amber believed Tennessee would have bought him gaming consoles, phones, even a new car if he’d requested it.dce6428800eab794

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While Amber received bb736aba09 many benefits from 6f2f1759cd Tennessee because of 82ff13a3da his youth, he 1972ca795e hated it.3e5a53bc083c0ee3

After putting Tennessee 4becd50bdb to sleep, Amber 0149c8a6e0 kept busy for ad61d36fbd quite a while. He cleaned the house fbdaba4ecd and prepared snacks to f4141d6ee1 eat together when Tennessee edc42ede41 woke up. Although Tennessee slept bd01852b9d soundly by his 5a1fa65aad side, Amber still c62337a433 moved carefully in 22eef55ce0 case he might 2274fb0227 wake up, even 2b18587c2e going out shopping 9a16f68a7d nearby. While eating out was e35447f92b fine, he wanted to 8883157f8c cook for Tennessee himself.d4cb7664b44008ff

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Amber opened the page saved on his phone. It was a Mexican recipe. He had tried making it a few times in Michigan as practice, and most reviews were good. Since he had practiced often, Tennessee might like it too. He planned to cook considering Tennessee’s preference for mild seasoning.c649dc1d41af8087

Time passed quickly while preparing the food, but it was still only 8 PM, too early for bed. Tennessee was sleeping without tossing and turning, making small breathing sounds. Amber lay down beside him. Amber’s eyes were wide awake. While habitually touching Tennessee’s hair, Amber noticed a wound on the back of his hand.5e7b5d0b4bd1e244

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Didn’t he say he wasn’t doing any fieldwork?Amber carefully traced the 5a229321f2 wound. Whenever he saw such 2395e598ef marks, Amber realized how b6c3f7a9fb little he knew about 181aa64ade Tennessee.012f3a6e9543f222

‘Not fieldwork? Then office work?’1be0cc27c12bd23b

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When he first heard that, Amber was purely surprised but half-pleased, thinking Tennessee would get hurt less. However, from what he heard, it didn’t seem like office work either.8c840852c3181381

Security consultant? Perhaps due to Tennessee’s unique career history—if one could describe being a hitman that way—Amber speculated it would be that, but he didn’t know the exact nature of the work. Well, what did he really know about Tennessee anyway?5fbc232f75c4ff49

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“Tennessee.”f8f6ac1c33a7773e

Amber recognized eee17cf148 that he eb5323f9ee was becoming bc4c3ac2d7 increasingly greedy. In the past, he be569dcd2c had just hoped Tennessee 55e3f627bc would stay somewhere within 68825b8bd6 the United States. When that was e296046712 achieved, he wished b5fda65ed1 to see him 8e8df7d0c4 more often.8d2d3c7b87d796a0

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After meeting Tennessee occasionally and even being helpful to him, his greed knew no bounds. Even while thinking he should rein in his feelings, he couldn’t manage it.3c5c322d453d6bd0

I wish he needed me more. No, I don’t even ask for that much. I wish he would think of me more and contact me more often. If only he contacted me more frequently, I wouldn’t ask for anything else.fa9365133ab50804

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Although he could see c11a97e920 him occasionally like this, 4c111bade0 the lack of contact cbae9f19e5 remained unchanged from before. Tennessee frequently changed ad41d6f31d phones, and even bb5d08cf4f those were burner 37f1460da6 phones he could a2ab566b22 discard at any d18349e7e8 time.353f0d2d79b791df

Tennessee lived as if 524b1943c8 he was always prepared d51c4cf0c8 to cut ties with 46fa884f5d everyone. It was fab19f9e12 fortunate to 18ae99e321 be able 869eaf2673 to stay 5a430856d0 by his f06d431101 side, even 608713a8b6 briefly. Thinking that way created c4f11d8ade the illusion of somewhat 9274abaa1c appeasing the enormous desire e5397184fb that had been completely e5cac0fed1 suppressed.4f489e51eb579783

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Amber moved bcc64da9ca just a a0f3699b4b tiny bit fdeaefe4dd closer to 62741a64f9 his side. Just close 01de7d4743 enough to 516aaa51de faintly smell 19033a177e his breath 499beffcdd with its c320502ea9 hint of 0831cf70e4 toothpaste.2bde539acdb7e36b

Hesitant Amber reached out his hand. After touching his loosely hanging fingers, he held his cold palm. While he remembered hugging Tennessee when he was hurt, or when he needed to, he didn’t think he had ever held hands with him like this. Though he had grabbed his wrist before.16f51843dcc52e36

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Amber didn’t dare imagine walking down the street holding hands affectionately. He just wanted to hold his hand.8ab84699b53a0962

After confirming that Tennessee was breathing steadily, Amber unconsciously moistened his dry lips. Then Amber parted Tennessee’s fingers and gently pressed his palm against his. After a moment’s hesitation, he interlocked his fingers with Tennessee’s limp hand. Warmth spread. Tennessee’s hands were generally cold. Or maybe it was because he often came in after smoking outside, which made his hands cold.8b8f7d4c2c90a9e8

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“Tennessee.”ed9ac389bb29ec42

Amber unconsciously tried to calm his trembling breath. But it wasn’t working well, so he squeezed his eyes shut.800a4af85075bfa2

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Only their hands were d40474db19 touching, but it felt 9e3ba01731 like he was in fb56a99f51 his embrace. No, it felt bd57933a51 like he was ea98ae3a34 hugging him. Something he had affb405677 never done before.If only he could befd38c61e hold me tight. Please.6fc1ebf96d31ded1

The imprint didn’t end with just engraving Tennessee’s existence in Amber.c60520dee0031bae

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As years passed, Amber 87811b7d5a grew more yearning, more 719e4146ed thirsty, and simultaneously, those 823623b3f1 emotions brought self-loathing.dac693023664fef6

“Tennessee…”95f8e7beb0df4279

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With eyes ac9f12282b closed, Amber 135a4baea7 spoke his 30664f7041 name like 263d1f1940 a prayer.How happy c0adfdf7f9 would I 34feb279b0 be if eaffd0322c you became e310ba7e18 completely mine? I would feel 57b87b1d4e like I owned 24a38eb742 the whole world. Every rising sun would 90f1857d36 feel like a miracle 0a1daf0ab8 to me.633adb591c697b61

I like you. You gave me 2cf3fc483e a new life.5d972fab08657cea

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He conveyed the words he couldn’t dare speak out loud.3e40a27bd13b6c90

And when Amber 5d8cef8504 opened his eyes, e67e1e9df9 he met ice-blue 404241fe4b eyes.a044a8bd5d81bbed

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Tennessee once said that his and Amber’s eye colors were similar. Amber couldn’t agree with that. Tennessee’s blue eyes were vividly blue. They were sapphire-blue and shone like flames whether from far away or anywhere else.ca30f0805efa8f45

And those eyes pierced through Amber like a harpoon and dragged him to the ground. He couldn’t even make excuses. He couldn’t brazenly brush it off. This wasn’t something that could be glossed over with patchwork lies.9ed42bb4b0edee8f

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They say eyes are windows to the soul, and sometimes people’s emotions surge like a tidal wave without flowery words or gestures. That’s how Amber’s pure love was. Tennessee looked at Amber’s hand that had intertwined with his fingers. The carefully interlocked hands were warm.1dd350e9b018132b

“Tennessee.”bea1a5cfb09db8fe

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He was exposed. Sensing he had been a288032bdd found out, Amber called 3c2c085fdb Tennessee. He sighed, got up, b34d6035af and looked down at bd152af985 Amber with cold eyes.c0bced3273241868

“Amber.”5aaeebcadecf01ca

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Tennessee subconsciously remembered the warmth that had secretly crept into his hand. If someone made such gestures, if someone approached like such pain, it couldn’t be something as light as a spring breeze that comes and goes.81e867f55f368477

“I don’t want to be that way with you.”1c6c9f14353423cb

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He remembers Amber who had lost teeth, who cried not to be abandoned, who trembled, whose eyes were full of fear and confusion. Those memories were blurry, but Tennessee still hadn’t forgotten them.976ac65ee2aec766

“Should I say I’m sorry?”86045abd61e2032b

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Amber approached impatiently.a22f93d9d8c21b55

“I’m sorry, I wanted to tell you when I became an adult.”3c7dbfe33f1ccf7f

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At that moment, Tennessee felt an inappropriate sense of betrayal. Tennessee had never cared for someone like this before. Even if from Amber’s perspective he wasn’t getting enough attention, he was doing his best in his own way. Perhaps he thought it would continue. He had feared betrayal, but if he had to trust someone and be betrayed, he would accept it gladly. But he hadn’t expected this situation.f236cc9a256ae7c0

‘That was a lie, actually. I don’t have a girlfriend.’69140807221c2237

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‘Tennessee, I think I might be gay.’1135d110db94b750

‘…There was someone.’abed28d2afc0f4c2

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Just when he cca77426bd thought he was 5e35d0242a starting to understand 624497b341 how to treat 970ad9f500 Amber, it became 99caeea6c3 unclear to him 37ad7de91a again.f8ef46c1d9416e76

“What do you want me to do? What do you want to happen from now on?”885cae097371eab9

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Although he 0db5c91e75 could never 56fe39e150 tell Amber a2d45ea75e directly, he e0d31a6cc2 was precious bc93fec15b to him. If Amber was in c07b529314 even the slightest danger, 07feff5e4a Tennessee would have thrown 922314ef5c himself in without hesitation 99e0eb9e18 to save him. But that emotion d2bf9cf3c0 was never based 18f0e45e5c on romantic feelings.d5395bf67c4ad70d

“No!”9fa47e7a289ca542

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Amber shouted quickly. His fingers, which had 8a34bed9bd been interlaced just moments 1c1a7a6d70 ago, felt empty. He already missed 197ba8716e it.2536c225d974f919

“Really, can’t you just know? I won’t interfere with whoever you date.”d69072db3aeafaf5

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“If you were going to hide it, you should have hidden it properly!”ab4c324d82c2fca4

Tennessee shouted, cutting off Amber’s words. Hadn’t Amber himself hidden it because he expected this obvious rejection? Then at least he should have hidden it perfectly. For both their sakes.4dadcc8832e6f0f7

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“…Get out. We’ll talk later.”be0f1de4a5bc5d55

“Tennessee.”19041619dbba3ac1

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Tennessee, who 0be09d1f63 had left 051562aa8c the bed, db946a3273 handed Amber 73d440b480 his coat.1fadce5b14092db9

“Tennessee… please.”1a50cd4493f3b91f

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“Choose. Either leave, or give up.”7fae7834378f0a6a

Because Amber didn’t take it, Tennessee threw his coat carelessly onto the sofa. Amber just stared at it blankly. His heart, discarded like cheap trash, his emotions standing naked, felt utterly useless.08f0c05c214b0ffc

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“I just gave you two options.”b5ffd102616a2d7e

“Can’t you give me a chance later, when I become an adult?”159f791d1293826b

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“You’re throwing a tantrum right now. How are you any different from a kid whining to lift his grounding?”f46d060e42d61f32

Amber liked Tennessee, but he didn’t want to stand by as Tennessee belittled his feelings. Amber cherished Tennessee, and just as much, he cherished his own heart that loved him, even if Tennessee found it displeasing. As Amber, choking back tears, was about to retort, a question struck like an arrow.4745ede6f3023093

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“Amber, have you thought about how I feel?”6e3d24685701fb11

Tennessee was asking 720b4617d1 if he had 4434afed6e considered his intentions 81f77c719a in his one-sided 117a1be612 feelings.fd959a5e5ba0f567

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“I’m sorry.”85de1235326e7f62

Amber apologized sincerely. He had ruined everything. That’s how Amber blamed himself. The realization of trampling a completed masterpiece, shame, regret.3ab210c1ba5a106f

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“Please help me, tell me, please.”c5b6b05c7a332b2a

Tennessee took in 0ffce92ad5 Amber who was d45e26e50f desperately asking.43839f8fdd6f0663

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Amber always tried to b7a2a24b5f do everything alone. He was originally 79cf7691bb a child who 772fb82af6 disliked relying on a63cdb8031 others and wanted 4f1d23061c to do his 8fe2a24355 share. He became even more da4041190d so after meeting his 2e3cb2a7eb new family. He never a54d0492c8 even mentioned 488b8a5347 difficult or 8383a92919 bad things.6375ba9c432cbc94

Perhaps Tennessee fafa20a858 had hoped 76b2a2941d for such 0148a5842d things. For him to rely 481d0558c0 more on him as a9055f3405 an adult, to seek cce12bb298 advice, wanting to help ae35329f17 with anything. Perhaps it was e6205a685a because he saw d993f3d9a1 his younger self, 78fff6b58f who had no c13525cfc5 one to lean 7b55dfcdd9 on.761b7f5c5188de7a

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But Amber, as if seeing through such Tennessee, never talked about such things. He only tried to share happy stories, good memories. That’s why Tennessee couldn’t coldly answer that question from Amber. He imagined Amber trying to somehow solve everything alone all that time.f167cbf1c37be0a1

He wasn’t protesting to Tennessee now. Amber was in despair, and sincerely seeking answers.dccd2760aaaf0997

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“What should I do? Tennessee, I tried too. But I just can’t. I really can’t.”77cfac54410408a2

“That’s for you to figure out.”65371d29a5b10e1c

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“I can’t give up! I’ve been thinking endlessly, I was so scared of how you might react that I couldn’t even bring it up, I was so scared my hands were shaking!”abc5e6c4f97bc432

No, if I lose my composure here, I’ll really become a child throwing a tantrum.Amber took a 47aabdb707 deep breath to 01891e998f calm himself.041d1e82fdc94520

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“I can’t leave. I absolutely can’t do that.”e1d5e334f6734e52

Tennessee, who had 7e7efa92a5 been running his 26a2b874dd hand through his 8d29119a94 hair, nodded half-heartedly. As if nothing mattered.b3a276f6503b6f90

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“I’ll be an adult in a few months. It’s not enough to reject me just because I’m young.”efe41a4b6efa65a7

Amber’s voice was much better now that he had calmed his excitement. However, Tennessee frowned.2038ea37104f820b

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“What would I do with a kid.”8fec20d773739e3f

As always, a561e61dc2 his words 28e6852e76 hurt, but 255bbbe91e Amber knew 37c80d6ca1 Tennessee to 7553dddba4 some extent. He feared raw f8b0f046f5 emotions. He would say or 8ef3f5e5e3 do anything if it 12be22a7b2 meant he could avoid 0e1082a2a0 him.29bb6b7e3431f3d5

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“I’ve never even thought about it.”5aa1ab0feac1c662

What does Amber think 34262279e7 of me? Tennessee was confused. It was something he had never even thought about. It hadn’t even occurred to him as a small possibility in a corner of his mind. He only had vague thoughts like ‘When Amber grows up, he’ll meet someone good.’ In Tennessee’s mind, he was always behind Amber.c66ae21e2875af76

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“Then think about it now.”97ad9eb040e4e4a4

“Good grief, Amber.”cbbdc6b897cc8295

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Amber bit 3734683e6d his lip.ac29e3655fcce67d

“I’m sorry…”152b2d6bae566f2d

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Every word he had d07ffc11a4 uttered was sincere. Including the apology. Amber picked up the 289ffc068d coat. The continuing regret surfaced f0a3283841 again.If only I hadn’t liked Tennessee.It would 192938a9e1 have been fed10a8421 easier if 1d60bbf76f he could 9969826393 just give c246317029 up. For him, for Tennessee, d39ad91342 for everyone.ada20c9817421253

“I’ll come back.”0fcdad2141119402

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Amber walked away, leaving Tennessee behind. Tennessee didn’t answer.a600aea46333a404

***393f7735722f4d4b

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After that day, Amber visited Chicago several times. Tennessee’s house was always empty. Tennessee was busy, and since he had met by making time with difficulty before, it wasn’t surprising that his house was empty.51745eb10a5fcb69

Amber sat d0dc0fb888 down at 1d55b86e62 the entrance. People rushed c1d1b635c7 past him. No one paid 1fdf50b003 any attention to 72abf4d1b8 him.f03a20821302bc6e

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‘Either leave, or give up.’f6c02628175867f3

Amber felt his chest tighten. Neither leaving him nor giving up was possible for him. Deciding whether to hang on forever or give up while hanging onto the very edge of a cliff wasn’t a choice.8ce638d1a21ad203

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Barely holding 34d37be538 onto the 5bd17f7b3f edge of ca82bb32d3 the cliff, e88676ef3c Amber thought cddef20b53 that Tennessee ea2750cf3e was forcing c790fdca98 such a 197676d262 thing on 5150a4086d him.41196ce4d2b40714

After several months passed, Amber finally found Tennessee’s house with lights on. After confirming Tennessee had returned, Amber rushed to the entrance. After catching his breath and tidying his clothes, Amber pressed the doorbell.96100a64e431122e

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Not long a0cda515ff after, Tennessee b1113c3bbe came to 700f5a89b3 the door. It was a ee0a7dc548 face he had b5bc47ad1a missed. His expression 6d660965f1 was cold, 7601b3b0d9 as if 58b09e377a it was dda40e88d3 their first 33ce6e7341 time meeting, ad9efe5391 Amber knew fdb7a2057b the warmth 5f0d3b07c0 behind that d9a42adb24 indifferent expression.b5b787c228e683b0

“…It’s been a while.”21eed1f41fb7183d

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Amber greeted him like that, but Tennessee didn’t return the greeting. He had no expression at all right now.45c89bb10c28632e

He had sorted out his feelings. In those few short months. Amber sensed it. While an indescribable sadness swept over him along with rising indignation. While it was absolutely impossible for him, it seems it was such an easy thing for Tennessee. Well, Amber hadn’t overestimated his place from the beginning anyway.cc283e300b05c38f

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“I said I would come back.”eb4f7342534f2d3d

“Have you made a decision?”c84ffd0620b1d9ac

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Before he could 1f10263c15 even finish speaking, 057d778aad Tennessee asked. Amber forced strength into b23bf50a71 his lips that were 6aafe075bd about to contort.9bf912896418e2d3

“…If I say I haven’t yet, will you not let me in?”4d612658c950853f

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“I’ll leave.”0637aa6c24a4e196

If Tennessee leaves, Amber a53e0cb3d7 would never be able d9c2a9e769 to catch him. Even if 0dbcb14d88 he disappeared 782a97ccb0 somewhere right 787a4ad7f7 now, Amber d3e7e8dbe1 had neither 95bc6ff4bb the means 736ad7c5f1 nor the cef639744b ability to b0f3cbc34d find him. It was 762c14481c that cruel.dc99e6b08c5b211e

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“Answer, Amber. There’s only one choice anyway.”016cf526ed797f0d

Amber nodded.Should have never come ca6e7e3d24 here. It was 05c880a57e a foolish 0bff0a0785 thing to 198014f4ed do.c95f5628752a8d8d

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“…I’ll give up, Tennessee.”fdad5bfa65fe8980

Although it was a feeling he could never give up, if speaking those words would allow him to stay by Tennessee’s side in any form, it didn’t matter. A child who knows nothing, a rookie who just took his first step into society, a fool who mistakes admiration for pure love.e1aa9b07e426ba14

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“I’ll at least try.”c38ee308fc6125bf

“Can you do it?”1e1c9e2fb207ed35

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Amber shook 1cff6147c0 his head. But immediately 621109ebee after, he 318a8e425d nodded. Call it deception if da15f3ec1d you will. In truth, he 317d89e400 had neither the 4e35e90657 confidence nor the 539b15dcae possibility to give 314a7bbb0b up. Not even a e92909994b slight chance.b66ef72a07f78f31

It was better to 4a17af6932 believe in miracles. At least miracles 8b68a1e1a6 have happened several 6c60475331 times before. Like how he 123d9cee9e met Tennessee in 9ca2b59c62 this vast land.514ad0923cc28db8

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Tennessee sighed. And stepped aside to let Amber in. But Amber shook his head. With these feelings, he couldn’t possibly stay with him.9f6a1e058a03b3c3

Tennessee knew Amber. At least that he wouldn’t have a love that burns briefly and cools. Like looking in a mirror, when he looked at Amber, his history and foundation came to mind. That’s why Tennessee immediately recognized Amber’s lie.cd56e5ea9828685a

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Tennessee approached Amber. Today too, Amber hadn’t properly worn a coat. Tennessee looked at his shoulders with an unfamiliar gaze. As he approached, their eye levels matched. When did he 2b8e44cdc3 get this tall?Looking at those 961af3c64f broad shoulders, the d68e3d8197 Amber of the 984a78c20b past seemed to ed9a266ef5 fade away as 784e82d00d if it had 854b021e72 been deliberately erased a9f48664a2 from his mind.522ebbb8f22f529e

“Amber.”b0877638aa2a9971

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As Tennessee approached, Amber 28c09d3660 hesitated. Then answered softly. The Tennessee e3190c6461 he saw 0b3e4a6f3e had somewhat 61b589e5c0 hazy eyes. Just like someone f23de6d469 in love. Unlike when 7ac7264d0e he rang a23613b909 the doorbell, de461f5d09 though expressionless, 67b047af2a the cold 57cb5105e0 atmosphere had edbfb85165 disappeared from 630992363a Tennessee. It seemed like 4e6acf057d he would answer a321c56c1e anything he asked, 292622c52e just like before.747ac66458339751

As if enchanted, Amber couldn’t come to his senses. He neither stopped Tennessee from approaching nor called out to him. Standing as if nailed to the spot, Amber watched him.5c4e001c52721097

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Now Tennessee stood right in front of him.  Everything came into view – his eyelashes and blue eyes, thin upper lip and the creases of his full lower lip. But Tennessee didn’t stop there and leaned forward. Now Amber could feel Tennessee’s breath. As he came close enough to kiss, Amber’s heart dropped to his feet.cf5c0c65a3d8cc02

Like riding on a gentle breeze, Tennessee tilted his head slightly. Amber unconsciously parted his lips. He couldn’t even think to close his eyes. It felt like a dream. The surface rippled quietly.8b532e5104acc10f

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Just as his lips 48fd01f0d5 were about to touch, b788224887 Tennessee whispered.e4f456f06174fe80

“You said you’d give up. You should reject this, what are you doing?”ef956318c5aa4bb1

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And Amber woke from his fantasy. The gaze that stripped him bare, the secret pulled deep from his lungs. Ripples formed. He fell from the air into cold water in an instant. He couldn’t breathe.e554425029929c24

“If you’re going to lie, do it properly.”9881cd0a7ec42d23

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Tennessee, who had stepped back at some point, was observing him with cold eyes. Tennessee’s hand lightly pushed Amber. Even with that small gesture, Amber was pushed back significantly.0a16224da9aa9058

“Leave. Don’t come back until you’ve truly made your choice.”bbe448cfb6f56f36

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What a cruel d75fa2fd78 man.4b6fb98d2171d09c

***6996f06a63be24a2

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Amber walked aimlessly. His legs protested 7bba4b8ac1 with fatigue and 2f2eda4bb7 all his joints f6033777b0 creaked, but he c08b3f42df walked mechanically. Caught in a dfc178aa4e strange feeling as c77a285517 if his body babcaab920 and mind were 6c83293c63 separated, Amber went 08d1869760 wherever his feet 7db1f0f6c3 took him.f8ac71e455967cb8

People passed by him. Some pedestrians pointed fingers at  him, but Amber didn’t even have the luxury to care about them.181449447c96fde2

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Only when night deepened and he felt he absolutely couldn’t walk anymore did Amber look around at where he was. Ear-splitting honking sounds, cars, trucks, and taxis speeding past. And only then did he hear the sound of water. It was the Chicago River. To the side, he could see the silhouette of a massive steel bridge. The lights from the skyscrapers and street lamps seemed blinding.0c9e9439babcd61a

Amber sat 2e2ca3c570 down with 40d027c95a a sigh. Because it was 931e5e6553 late, the tourists 269cda4c40 and residents who e2e67af45b wandered during the f87248b440 day had mostly 6de77bec6f disappeared. Only groups of teenagers 4499ddd204 and homeless people remained ddf3759849 on the street. His hands were getting 87dc317ea5 cold.7c67daa8ea121e7a

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Burying his face deeply, 867bd0099d Amber reflected on his 88fb737365 painful relationship with him. Tennessee seemed most 07726dadf9 comfortable when alone. He was born 30203cfed4 independent and noble, 7588dd367a and knew nothing ad4f0cdbf1 of relying on 1b187f7102 others. So whenever he was 85e4135d16 with Tennessee, he felt 8ffb6901ff like a parasite eating 012849063c away at his flesh. It was e7d450197c his own 41b224ed64 fault, having 0eb23bcaff the opposite b74559cfba temperament.b216a162eaf96ad5

“You.”dd5eb094faf02eb1

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Amber stood up 8a8b32c857 abruptly. Someone had poked 7b64a3ecc8 his back. Before turning 7dca168b95 around, a ac801a6958 disgusting smell 530b24121a first registered e04c309fe5 in his 42a46cc8f9 mind.4def1f25de06f0ae

“It was you. It was you.”57ecb8468dea899f

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It was a homeless person with dark skin wearing a hat. Like in most American big cities, Chicago had many homeless people. There was a smell of low-quality marijuana. A stench similar to sewage or creek weeds. A uniquely damp smell that couldn’t be described any other way.71d8e23ab2c7c1ba

Amber hastily stepped adc41ec5bd back. Not because the homeless 81ccca6175 person was dirty, but 7a6e133332 because his eyes, resembling ababb01343 buttons, gleamed under the 26e852ea22 worn hat.7ae035b69b8f5414

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An ominous feeling ae1beacd0a surged. The man a9a0b78a81 standing before 214cc0af08 Amber was 30784a66e5 missing two b5462ab1e5 front teeth. Every time he 22418f7ff5 opened his mouth, e32b5c2b17 his canines showed 7d57c63c79 along with the 1219160fc5 stench. He approached with a 64359a7675 strange smile.517dc3d77ad02bd4

He’s not in his right mind. Just as Amber thought 50a1320099 this and tried to 7dd12adfdf avoid him-98ae577c21e0f296

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“Amber. Amber.”2d38f0ad45bb3ebe

As if his ankle f098927c63 had been caught, Amber f68a8c1424 stopped dead in his f9bd32d9c4 tracks.4eb2c898cfc9d6a9

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“Did you forget me, Amber?”c0bc0f781be86534

His breath quickened. Slowly turning aa9589f90d around, Amber e7c0a42462 examined him b5abc30b33 carefully. His jaw was 32f7cc08cc ruined by drugs, 7cc3ac3539 but Amber remembered dad6e33fea his glass-like eyes. Ironically, he 0a364ba9f0 had once d885915bc2 thought the cf52fedd6b man had a49c72e239 a good 8a8536fd66 impression when 4daac967bb he smiled. Enough to forget the b909a426a2 atrocities he had committed.c545396ea79a1349

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“…Mr. Hurston?”28e74dc754ffb5f5

The man burst into 3354f92481 loud laughter. His laughter echoed 37914e0ee3 through the deserted 905594c01b Chicago River. Amber hurriedly 0d47dd4517 turned around. That laughter seemed to d5b792ef02 tie shadows that held a22b266046 him in place.ec387b80cf208dd7

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This can’t be, how can Mr. Hurston be here?a0250634c81b4f32

At that moment, Amber was pulled back not to Chicago, but to a small town in Oregon. Among the forest of buildings, the river making water sounds, and buildings packed so densely the horizon couldn’t be seen, Amber was back in that house. Hurston’s office.859fd4d4cfb5ccbb

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He had thought about d423aea997 what he would do a4d6b20b30 if they ever met 2f94818e83 again. He had felt a 8c309ef125 burning anger that made 1b5c32c0b3 him want to tear b23abcbb81 Hurston apart and kill 1e99af9ff6 him, and he had 3d7d64d024 also imagined passing by e44b47c42e him indifferently as if e23871532d he had forgotten everything.2758da478cbb3b09

But not like this. The Hurston he actually faced was far more disgusting than he remembered, worthless and base, and above all…74a5e969101f2817

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He made b5f2dd7db0 him tremble b4fd86dd0a with fear.59100bb9fa4b2a78

Amber stepped b3e92b8ecf back hesitantly. His shoulders ached. As an adult. Amber was now taller 7d26a66099 than him, but he 1c5a227be8 fell into an illusion b788a86860 of feeling endlessly small. It felt like 8776a387a4 he would see e0e62485cb the illusion of c258ff7da1 becoming infinitely small 99f296c222 under his grasp, 669c6067d3 his shoulders firmly 92e724c3ae held.eba73bcb044dbc49

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As Amber quickly c0349a499c turned his back, a98f63e380 Hurston screamed in 26c3987ee4 a shrill voice.2c63bf8d848cf97f

“Amber! Amber!”f8aa0b887953a61c

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Amber gritted his 3c98459d68 teeth and ran. His breath rose 6fc5b40cf0 to the top fa2a9b7775 of his throat. It felt 7aa796bd09 like his 9f7669e06f heart would e47fd2e52c burst through 15b298b27c his ribs.290857ddcd119056

“After what I went through because of you! Come back right now!”2f60501ffa6daf8e

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I thought it 08841371ba was over.c92a100cd8510a3f

“Amber! Come back! Come back!”c2e6fb6d0cdca889

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Then Amber stopped 360b1c7374 as if possessed. He sensed he was 6324b8a648 standing at a crossroads b35a43158e of choice.956c456aad93270a

Later, when aca693fea9 sanity returned f7580d48a6 and he 65950bf802 would reflect b134b25a6c on this 365e7c6f0a moment, how 4fbd7b1c2b much would ea58a179ab he regret, e98b8084e9 how much 39bfd4305b would he 1f7404a8d2 blame himself 9bada2e16a and feel ed3b4e6b9c ashamed?7468479ae2ba666a

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“Amber!”5006d847081bacec

Hurston’s cry faintly echoed from under the gray bridge. The cry from afar was small, but it echoed and shook Amber’s brain back and forth. Should I go? Turn around and right now… right now…aa3dc05d37e64f08

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What should I ee0fb6fcfc do?35fb76861117322f

What should 98e8ec7eda I do?cecfa0b90c0fcad0

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His legs trembled and his whole body was soaked in sweat. Amber looked back. If he ran, he could meet him. He wanted to grab his collar and ask. Why he did that to  him, why he hurt  him, why he cherished some children and gave them wonderful childhoods… why he couldn’t do the same for him.5034b3306cb04801

He was scared. He wanted to 8e33f253f4 hide.b89fb8a1f5ca2e44

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He moved 17781e87ee his feet 0a8ee7e3ca again. Somewhere else, not toward 9ae65feb1d the riverside where Hurston 12952753c0 was. He ran desperately as b0ed62b0c7 if fleeing from the 2e862246fd past, from the ghost. He was seized by a05d333bac the illusion that if 4c110818d9 he stopped his feet 4ca895674d even slightly, Hurston would 1397599d98 grab his neck and d8a8ea0874 slam him to the 2bb0cbc4bb ground.8f3c4ee0c5354311

It hurts, Mr. Hurston, please stop.84488597237ebcb7

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To Hurston, who appeared 464ecfa185 to others as such 3adc94a7f9 a good guardian, Amber 536276458e had to beg every 303befcf9b night.7e3eba16f497ae20

Mr. Hurston, it hurts, it cd24507f15 hurts! Please let me go.33ba6759de698488

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Dawn broke. Only after discovering the 360641a2af rising sun did Amber, b4f65beca9 who was breathing urgently 89c72fb447 as if his head a41012fd4f would burst, stop his 8de9cc9779 feet. Blue and 0f4d96d315 red light ffe2037166 leaked through ebe55e18c7 the forest 3131344207 of buildings.32f694d659d88481

Looking now, one of cdcad13242 his shoes was missing. His left foot, 607134e429 missing its shoe, 4d0619dd62 was covered in f7118c4231 blood and missing 0b28679bcf toenails. Unable to properly fbf5d48189 catch his breath, bc110ef6e0 Amber clutched his 8ea0e3267d head. He collapsed down and cbb97a8290 buried his face in cdcb8113dc his knees. Each breath d5ade650fe stabbed at 19823dce3e his chest.e60b7c27270e53d0

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‘Amber, Amber.’6a6934a9a1b5fa9d

Hurston called him as 48dab72dbd if singing.3b50bbc1e8ebb289

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‘Do you know how ambers are made?’fec92f3526f02d2f

Hurston approached the sobbing Amber. He tapped Amber’s head with his index finger. Look here.It was that kind 0b48f8c638 of command. When Amber, 915f0fb812 who had 87e54b92b6 been crying, 6f0fbcf0b7 barely raised 665c51518a his head, f256e27e7d Hurston showed da3441adb2 a benevolent 6278241fd5 smile.9cd38962acc7b274

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‘Trees release something called resin. As that resin gradually hardens, it’s called copal. When that hardens over a long time, we call it amber. For amber to form, it needs tremendous pressure. It also needs a long time. But, before that, Amber, the resin must come out first. That’s very important.’33b00117e291d7d6

Hurston grabbed Amber’s shoulders and lifted him up in one motion. Agh! Though Amber screamed at the sharp pain in his shoulders, Hurston continued speaking as if he hadn’t heard.3a3a21e00847fd61

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‘For that to happen, you need to wound the tree.’e223501f39ffef7d

He would say things 8c03b74191 like this.374deec0dec87137

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‘Remember, Amber, I’m not causing you pain without reason. It’s all to draw out the gem within you.’412756597726f88c

“Please don’t…”c43bd58ca6227601

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“Are you okay?”f8668b89f00ec128

Amber closed his eyes and covered his ears. The rising sun stung his eyes. Amber lowered his head and didn’t listen. He felt like an ant burning helplessly under a lens.9c2863ed852caf93

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God tortured Amber c49a660272 without any guilt.d8d557aab6363aac

There is no perfect innocence. How certain can you be that you didn’t bring this upon yourself at all? If it wasn’t your fault, why were you the only one who suffered so much among all those children?b0965a7e0cf153c4

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“Are you okay? Oh my god.”8f6f31a36f2404f9

Footsteps approached. Amber curled up ec1779728b as if protecting 0356a8bb5c himself.4f367080b8552586

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Get it ad8145e193 together, Amber. Ryker, get it together.609d5bc4dfea9959

“Paul! Come here, someone’s here.”f6998f15f5b1093f

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Footsteps approached like gunshots. Amber bit his 03dad636ce lips while tensing 4124120010 his entire body.badd2f922cd0a9dc

“Look at this sweat, should we call the police?”313150eefb5c650c

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“911, we need to call 911.”74cb5b9277482e0b

Urgent footsteps echoed. Amber couldn’t open his eyes.304078216eda90c8

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No, Mr. Hurston. It hurts too much.0e4d8eea82118a1e

c4d9f2824b58ef14

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