AA Chapter 7.1 || Discovery

After his last job with the FBI, Tennessee returned to Chicago. Strictly speaking, ‘returned’ wasn’t the right word, since he didn’t have a place to call home. But in Amber’s mind, Tennessee’s space was that place in Chicago. The one with rusty stairs but beautiful night views.

By the time Tennessee purchased a three-flat apartment in Chicago, Amber had become a high school student in a private school from the same foundation as his junior high school. It was co-ed and quite large.

They could meet occasionally, albeit briefly, around the time Amber had adjusted to school life and the second semester began.

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Around that time, Amber learned that Tennessee’s insomnia was even more serious than expected. He had been taking sleeping pills all along and was trying to reduce his dependence on them. However, it seemed that he slept soundly whenever Amber came to Chicago. Although Tennessee was a busy person and couldn’t always get long sleep, considering how little sleep he usually got, even just three hours of sleep seemed to make Tennessee look noticeably better.

At first, Amber only stroked Tennessee’s head. His black hair was surprisingly soft. Who knew Tennessee had such an aspect to him? The silky texture flowed between his fingers.

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Watching Tennessee sleep peacefully under his palm, Amber’s desires gradually grew. He would watch Tennessee sleeping quietly for long periods, and sometimes sit right beside him. Even if he moved around somewhat noisily or accidentally knocked something over, Tennessee would only slightly furrow his brow without waking up.

Around that time, Amber started lying down next to Tennessee. Even when he rustled under the blanket, Tennessee wouldn’t wake up, and sometimes he would shift slightly as if sensing the presence, making room.

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Since Tennessee slept quite long once he fell asleep, Amber could feel his warmth for two or three hours before getting up. As this repeated, Amber gradually began to let his guard down. One day, Amber fell asleep in that state. When he opened his eyes at some point, he met Tennessee’s gaze looking at him.

His eyes were calm. What should I do? Will he get angry about lying on the bed without permission?

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Just as Amber was about to hurriedly get up, Tennessee’s blue eyes closed. He drifted back to sleep with slow breathing sounds, and Amber let out a sigh of relief. At times like these, Amber felt like he was taming a lion or a fierce beast. A cruel beast that showed no weakness, yet silently permitted his approach.

After that, lying next to Tennessee while maintaining a proper distance became Amber’s habit. He would stroke the jet-black hair or fiddle with Tennessee’s hands that had calluses and faint scars, before drifting off to sleep beside him.

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“My insomnia disappears when you’re next to me. Isn’t that strange?”

That’s what Tennessee said one time when Amber woke up to find him already awake and drinking coffee. Those words made Amber happy for a long time.

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I hope I can keep being helpful to him like this, Amber wished. Having always been passive and unilaterally dependent on Tennessee’s not-quite-charity, Amber was happy to have a positive influence on him. At the same time, it was a great comfort. He would sometimes smile to himself at the fact that he wasn’t just a parasite to Tennessee.

But it also made him a little sad thinking that if he had been a girl, Tennessee probably wouldn’t have allowed him to lie beside him.

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***

By the time Tennessee and Amber had grown accustomed to sleeping next to each other, Amber had become a 10th grader.

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Amber, who had been quite tall since 8th grade, now matched even the 12th graders in build. As it was, he had been changing his uniform and shoes almost every other day since entering high school.

Elizabeth teased him about being like a magic beanstalk whenever they went shopping for a uniform. Not just uniforms, but pajamas and underwear all had to be bought new. He would wake up groaning from growing pains, and even Tennessee would look at him strangely every few months when he met, as if he couldn’t recognize him.

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His voice after puberty was unusually deep for his age, and wherever he went, people didn’t see him as a high school student.

At the end of the first semester of 10th grade, in winter, Amber discovered he had caught up to Tennessee’s height.

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“I’ll be taller than you.”

“Big dreams, kid.”

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“You’re already done growing, Tennessee, but I still have at least 2-3 years left.”

Catching up to Tennessee’s height didn’t mean Amber was satisfied. He playfully rested his chin on Tennessee’s shoulder. When I get taller, I’ll rest my chin on top of Tennessee’s head! That was his small wish.

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“I heard you made the varsity team?”

Tennessee asked as he lit a cigarette. Tennessee, whom he hadn’t seen in a while, was handsome as always. It was a mystery how he managed to look so good every time despite seemingly not paying much attention to his appearance. Whenever Tennessee looked at him, Amber felt his fingertips tingle.

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“That was ages ago.”

Amber had joined the lacrosse and baseball teams in 9th grade. For baseball, he was relatively late compared to his peers. Most had gained experience from little leagues and such from an early age before continuing sports in high school. Despite lacking such experience, Amber made the varsity team from 9th grade. While not unprecedented, it wasn’t common.

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“News travels slow.”

It wasn’t hard to understand why. Tennessee was as busy as ever. From Amber’s perspective, Tennessee’s security work was just as demanding as when he worked with the FBI. He frequently traveled to England and Saudi Arabia, and occasionally to Africa or Europe. That was just what Amber knew; there was probably more.

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“What about college?”

“There’s a place I want to go.”

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Elizabeth had graduated from Michigan State University College of Human Medicine, and wanted Amber to go to the same university. Or at least attend a university within Michigan. Not only would there be the benefit of reduced tuition since Amber already lived in Michigan, but more than that, she wanted Amber to continue living with them even after becoming a college student.

In contrast, David, who graduated from Dartmouth, wanted Amber to attend there despite the distance. Elizabeth and David tried to persuade Amber by offering to fully cover his tuition if he chose their alma mater. But Amber actually wanted to go somewhere else.

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“Where?”

“University of Chicago.”

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Tennessee nodded. Tennessee, who had looked somewhat drowsy since eating the appetizer, now appeared quite sleepy after Amber finished his meal.

“Shall we head back?” asked Amber, now used to putting Tennessee to sleep. Tennessee quietly followed Amber’s lead to the bed. With bleary eyes, he changed clothes and lay down lazily, as if lacking the strength to even pull back the covers. It was Amber’s role to put a pillow under his head and pull the blanket up to his neck.

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“Too hot.”

When Tennessee mumbled, Amber lowered the blanket to cover just his stomach.

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“You’ll catch a cold if your stomach isn’t covered.”

“Stop nagging.”

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Although they had only exchanged simple words, that moment felt so unreal to Amber in its perfection. It was part of the dream Amber had long envisioned.

Maybe, just maybe, in 5 years, 10 years, 30 years, it could be like this. Could he still be by his side like this, placing pillows, covering him with blankets, holding his hand and dreaming?

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“Are you playing caregiver, kid?”

Tennessee tossed out that playful comment while half-asleep, and soon after began breathing regularly. Hearing those words made Amber’s heart tremble. Kid. If he weren’t a kid, Tennessee wouldn’t have accommodated his requests or treated him so comfortably.

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He was aware that it probably would have ended the moment he was discovered in the car. Amber thought the reason Tennessee granted most requests, except when leaving for work, was because he was young. He hadn’t asked, but Amber believed Tennessee would have bought him gaming consoles, phones, even a new car if he’d requested it.

While Amber received many benefits from Tennessee because of his youth, he hated it.

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After putting Tennessee to sleep, Amber kept busy for quite a while. He cleaned the house and prepared snacks to eat together when Tennessee woke up. Although Tennessee slept soundly by his side, Amber still moved carefully in case he might wake up, even going out shopping nearby. While eating out was fine, he wanted to cook for Tennessee himself.

Amber opened the page saved on his phone. It was a Mexican recipe. He had tried making it a few times in Michigan as practice, and most reviews were good. Since he had practiced often, Tennessee might like it too. He planned to cook considering Tennessee’s preference for mild seasoning.

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Time passed quickly while preparing the food, but it was still only 8 PM, too early for bed. Tennessee was sleeping without tossing and turning, making small breathing sounds. Amber lay down beside him. Amber’s eyes were wide awake. While habitually touching Tennessee’s hair, Amber noticed a wound on the back of his hand.

Didn’t he say he wasn’t doing any fieldwork? Amber carefully traced the wound. Whenever he saw such marks, Amber realized how little he knew about Tennessee.

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‘Not fieldwork? Then office work?’

When he first heard that, Amber was purely surprised but half-pleased, thinking Tennessee would get hurt less. However, from what he heard, it didn’t seem like office work either.

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Security consultant? Perhaps due to Tennessee’s unique career history—if one could describe being a hitman that way—Amber speculated it would be that, but he didn’t know the exact nature of the work. Well, what did he really know about Tennessee anyway?

“Tennessee.”

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Amber recognized that he was becoming increasingly greedy. In the past, he had just hoped Tennessee would stay somewhere within the United States. When that was achieved, he wished to see him more often.

After meeting Tennessee occasionally and even being helpful to him, his greed knew no bounds. Even while thinking he should rein in his feelings, he couldn’t manage it.

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I wish he needed me more. No, I don’t even ask for that much. I wish he would think of me more and contact me more often. If only he contacted me more frequently, I wouldn’t ask for anything else.

Although he could see him occasionally like this, the lack of contact remained unchanged from before. Tennessee frequently changed phones, and even those were burner phones he could discard at any time.

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Tennessee lived as if he was always prepared to cut ties with everyone. It was fortunate to be able to stay by his side, even briefly. Thinking that way created the illusion of somewhat appeasing the enormous desire that had been completely suppressed.

Amber moved just a tiny bit closer to his side. Just close enough to faintly smell his breath with its hint of toothpaste.

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Hesitant Amber reached out his hand. After touching his loosely hanging fingers, he held his cold palm. While he remembered hugging Tennessee when he was hurt, or when he needed to, he didn’t think he had ever held hands with him like this. Though he had grabbed his wrist before.

Amber didn’t dare imagine walking down the street holding hands affectionately. He just wanted to hold his hand.

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After confirming that Tennessee was breathing steadily, Amber unconsciously moistened his dry lips. Then Amber parted Tennessee’s fingers and gently pressed his palm against his. After a moment’s hesitation, he interlocked his fingers with Tennessee’s limp hand. Warmth spread. Tennessee’s hands were generally cold. Or maybe it was because he often came in after smoking outside, which made his hands cold.

“Tennessee.”

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Amber unconsciously tried to calm his trembling breath. But it wasn’t working well, so he squeezed his eyes shut.

Only their hands were touching, but it felt like he was in his embrace. No, it felt like he was hugging him. Something he had never done before. If only he could hold me tight. Please.

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The imprint didn’t end with just engraving Tennessee’s existence in Amber.

As years passed, Amber grew more yearning, more thirsty, and simultaneously, those emotions brought self-loathing.

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“Tennessee…”

With eyes closed, Amber spoke his name like a prayer. How happy would I be if you became completely mine? I would feel like I owned the whole world. Every rising sun would feel like a miracle to me.

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I like you. You gave me a new life.

He conveyed the words he couldn’t dare speak out loud.

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And when Amber opened his eyes, he met ice-blue eyes.

Tennessee once said that his and Amber’s eye colors were similar. Amber couldn’t agree with that. Tennessee’s blue eyes were vividly blue. They were sapphire-blue and shone like flames whether from far away or anywhere else.

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And those eyes pierced through Amber like a harpoon and dragged him to the ground. He couldn’t even make excuses. He couldn’t brazenly brush it off. This wasn’t something that could be glossed over with patchwork lies.

They say eyes are windows to the soul, and sometimes people’s emotions surge like a tidal wave without flowery words or gestures. That’s how Amber’s pure love was. Tennessee looked at Amber’s hand that had intertwined with his fingers. The carefully interlocked hands were warm.

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“Tennessee.”

He was exposed. Sensing he had been found out, Amber called Tennessee. He sighed, got up, and looked down at Amber with cold eyes.

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“Amber.”

Tennessee subconsciously remembered the warmth that had secretly crept into his hand. If someone made such gestures, if someone approached like such pain, it couldn’t be something as light as a spring breeze that comes and goes.

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“I don’t want to be that way with you.”

He remembers Amber who had lost teeth, who cried not to be abandoned, who trembled, whose eyes were full of fear and confusion. Those memories were blurry, but Tennessee still hadn’t forgotten them.

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“Should I say I’m sorry?”

Amber approached impatiently.

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“I’m sorry, I wanted to tell you when I became an adult.”

At that moment, Tennessee felt an inappropriate sense of betrayal. Tennessee had never cared for someone like this before. Even if from Amber’s perspective he wasn’t getting enough attention, he was doing his best in his own way. Perhaps he thought it would continue. He had feared betrayal, but if he had to trust someone and be betrayed, he would accept it gladly. But he hadn’t expected this situation.

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‘That was a lie, actually. I don’t have a girlfriend.’

‘Tennessee, I think I might be gay.’

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‘…There was someone.’

Just when he thought he was starting to understand how to treat Amber, it became unclear to him again.

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“What do you want me to do? What do you want to happen from now on?”

Although he could never tell Amber directly, he was precious to him. If Amber was in even the slightest danger, Tennessee would have thrown himself in without hesitation to save him. But that emotion was never based on romantic feelings.

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“No!”

Amber shouted quickly. His fingers, which had been interlaced just moments ago, felt empty. He already missed it.

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“Really, can’t you just know? I won’t interfere with whoever you date.”

“If you were going to hide it, you should have hidden it properly!”

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Tennessee shouted, cutting off Amber’s words. Hadn’t Amber himself hidden it because he expected this obvious rejection? Then at least he should have hidden it perfectly. For both their sakes.

“…Get out. We’ll talk later.”

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“Tennessee.”

Tennessee, who had left the bed, handed Amber his coat.

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“Tennessee… please.”

“Choose. Either leave, or give up.”

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Because Amber didn’t take it, Tennessee threw his coat carelessly onto the sofa. Amber just stared at it blankly. His heart, discarded like cheap trash, his emotions standing naked, felt utterly useless.

“I just gave you two options.”

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“Can’t you give me a chance later, when I become an adult?”

“You’re throwing a tantrum right now. How are you any different from a kid whining to lift his grounding?”

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Amber liked Tennessee, but he didn’t want to stand by as Tennessee belittled his feelings. Amber cherished Tennessee, and just as much, he cherished his own heart that loved him, even if Tennessee found it displeasing. As Amber, choking back tears, was about to retort, a question struck like an arrow.

“Amber, have you thought about how I feel?”

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Tennessee was asking if he had considered his intentions in his one-sided feelings.

“I’m sorry.”

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Amber apologized sincerely. He had ruined everything. That’s how Amber blamed himself. The realization of trampling a completed masterpiece, shame, regret.

“Please help me, tell me, please.”

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Tennessee took in Amber who was desperately asking.

Amber always tried to do everything alone. He was originally a child who disliked relying on others and wanted to do his share. He became even more so after meeting his new family. He never even mentioned difficult or bad things.

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Perhaps Tennessee had hoped for such things. For him to rely more on him as an adult, to seek advice, wanting to help with anything. Perhaps it was because he saw his younger self, who had no one to lean on.

But Amber, as if seeing through such Tennessee, never talked about such things. He only tried to share happy stories, good memories. That’s why Tennessee couldn’t coldly answer that question from Amber. He imagined Amber trying to somehow solve everything alone all that time.

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He wasn’t protesting to Tennessee now. Amber was in despair, and sincerely seeking answers.

“What should I do? Tennessee, I tried too. But I just can’t. I really can’t.”

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“That’s for you to figure out.”

“I can’t give up! I’ve been thinking endlessly, I was so scared of how you might react that I couldn’t even bring it up, I was so scared my hands were shaking!”

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No, if I lose my composure here, I’ll really become a child throwing a tantrum. Amber took a deep breath to calm himself.

“I can’t leave. I absolutely can’t do that.”

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Tennessee, who had been running his hand through his hair, nodded half-heartedly. As if nothing mattered.

“I’ll be an adult in a few months. It’s not enough to reject me just because I’m young.”

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Amber’s voice was much better now that he had calmed his excitement. However, Tennessee frowned.

“What would I do with a kid.”

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As always, his words hurt, but Amber knew Tennessee to some extent. He feared raw emotions. He would say or do anything if it meant he could avoid him.

“I’ve never even thought about it.”

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What does Amber think of me? Tennessee was confused. It was something he had never even thought about. It hadn’t even occurred to him as a small possibility in a corner of his mind. He only had vague thoughts like ‘When Amber grows up, he’ll meet someone good.’ In Tennessee’s mind, he was always behind Amber.

“Then think about it now.”

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“Good grief, Amber.”

Amber bit his lip.

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“I’m sorry…”

Every word he had uttered was sincere. Including the apology. Amber picked up the coat. The continuing regret surfaced again. If only I hadn’t liked Tennessee. It would have been easier if he could just give up. For him, for Tennessee, for everyone.

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“I’ll come back.”

Amber walked away, leaving Tennessee behind. Tennessee didn’t answer.

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***

After that day, Amber visited Chicago several times. Tennessee’s house was always empty. Tennessee was busy, and since he had met by making time with difficulty before, it wasn’t surprising that his house was empty.

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Amber sat down at the entrance. People rushed past him. No one paid any attention to him.

‘Either leave, or give up.’

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Amber felt his chest tighten. Neither leaving him nor giving up was possible for him. Deciding whether to hang on forever or give up while hanging onto the very edge of a cliff wasn’t a choice.

Barely holding onto the edge of the cliff, Amber thought that Tennessee was forcing such a thing on him.

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After several months passed, Amber finally found Tennessee’s house with lights on. After confirming Tennessee had returned, Amber rushed to the entrance. After catching his breath and tidying his clothes, Amber pressed the doorbell.

Not long after, Tennessee came to the door. It was a face he had missed. His expression was cold, as if it was their first time meeting, Amber knew the warmth behind that indifferent expression.

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“…It’s been a while.”

Amber greeted him like that, but Tennessee didn’t return the greeting. He had no expression at all right now.

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He had sorted out his feelings. In those few short months. Amber sensed it. While an indescribable sadness swept over him along with rising indignation. While it was absolutely impossible for him, it seems it was such an easy thing for Tennessee. Well, Amber hadn’t overestimated his place from the beginning anyway.

“I said I would come back.”

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“Have you made a decision?”

Before he could even finish speaking, Tennessee asked. Amber forced strength into his lips that were about to contort.

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“…If I say I haven’t yet, will you not let me in?”

“I’ll leave.”

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If Tennessee leaves, Amber would never be able to catch him. Even if he disappeared somewhere right now, Amber had neither the means nor the ability to find him. It was that cruel.

“Answer, Amber. There’s only one choice anyway.”

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Amber nodded. Should have never come here. It was a foolish thing to do.

“…I’ll give up, Tennessee.”

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Although it was a feeling he could never give up, if speaking those words would allow him to stay by Tennessee’s side in any form, it didn’t matter. A child who knows nothing, a rookie who just took his first step into society, a fool who mistakes admiration for pure love.

“I’ll at least try.”

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“Can you do it?”

Amber shook his head. But immediately after, he nodded. Call it deception if you will. In truth, he had neither the confidence nor the possibility to give up. Not even a slight chance.

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It was better to believe in miracles. At least miracles have happened several times before. Like how he met Tennessee in this vast land.

Tennessee sighed. And stepped aside to let Amber in. But Amber shook his head. With these feelings, he couldn’t possibly stay with him.

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Tennessee knew Amber. At least that he wouldn’t have a love that burns briefly and cools. Like looking in a mirror, when he looked at Amber, his history and foundation came to mind. That’s why Tennessee immediately recognized Amber’s lie.

Tennessee approached Amber. Today too, Amber hadn’t properly worn a coat. Tennessee looked at his shoulders with an unfamiliar gaze. As he approached, their eye levels matched. When did he get this tall? Looking at those broad shoulders, the Amber of the past seemed to fade away as if it had been deliberately erased from his mind.

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“Amber.”

As Tennessee approached, Amber hesitated. Then answered softly. The Tennessee he saw had somewhat hazy eyes. Just like someone in love. Unlike when he rang the doorbell, though expressionless, the cold atmosphere had disappeared from Tennessee. It seemed like he would answer anything he asked, just like before.

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As if enchanted, Amber couldn’t come to his senses. He neither stopped Tennessee from approaching nor called out to him. Standing as if nailed to the spot, Amber watched him.

Now Tennessee stood right in front of him.  Everything came into view – his eyelashes and blue eyes, thin upper lip and the creases of his full lower lip. But Tennessee didn’t stop there and leaned forward. Now Amber could feel Tennessee’s breath. As he came close enough to kiss, Amber’s heart dropped to his feet.

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Like riding on a gentle breeze, Tennessee tilted his head slightly. Amber unconsciously parted his lips. He couldn’t even think to close his eyes. It felt like a dream. The surface rippled quietly.

Just as his lips were about to touch, Tennessee whispered.

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“You said you’d give up. You should reject this, what are you doing?”

And Amber woke from his fantasy. The gaze that stripped him bare, the secret pulled deep from his lungs. Ripples formed. He fell from the air into cold water in an instant. He couldn’t breathe.

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“If you’re going to lie, do it properly.”

Tennessee, who had stepped back at some point, was observing him with cold eyes. Tennessee’s hand lightly pushed Amber. Even with that small gesture, Amber was pushed back significantly.

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“Leave. Don’t come back until you’ve truly made your choice.”

What a cruel man.

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***

Amber walked aimlessly. His legs protested with fatigue and all his joints creaked, but he walked mechanically. Caught in a strange feeling as if his body and mind were separated, Amber went wherever his feet took him.

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People passed by him. Some pedestrians pointed fingers at  him, but Amber didn’t even have the luxury to care about them.

Only when night deepened and he felt he absolutely couldn’t walk anymore did Amber look around at where he was. Ear-splitting honking sounds, cars, trucks, and taxis speeding past. And only then did he hear the sound of water. It was the Chicago River. To the side, he could see the silhouette of a massive steel bridge. The lights from the skyscrapers and street lamps seemed blinding.

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Amber sat down with a sigh. Because it was late, the tourists and residents who wandered during the day had mostly disappeared. Only groups of teenagers and homeless people remained on the street. His hands were getting cold.

Burying his face deeply, Amber reflected on his painful relationship with him. Tennessee seemed most comfortable when alone. He was born independent and noble, and knew nothing of relying on others. So whenever he was with Tennessee, he felt like a parasite eating away at his flesh. It was his own fault, having the opposite temperament.

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“You.”

Amber stood up abruptly. Someone had poked his back. Before turning around, a disgusting smell first registered in his mind.

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“It was you. It was you.”

It was a homeless person with dark skin wearing a hat. Like in most American big cities, Chicago had many homeless people. There was a smell of low-quality marijuana. A stench similar to sewage or creek weeds. A uniquely damp smell that couldn’t be described any other way.

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Amber hastily stepped back. Not because the homeless person was dirty, but because his eyes, resembling buttons, gleamed under the worn hat.

An ominous feeling surged. The man standing before Amber was missing two front teeth. Every time he opened his mouth, his canines showed along with the stench. He approached with a strange smile.

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He’s not in his right mind. Just as Amber thought this and tried to avoid him-

“Amber. Amber.”

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As if his ankle had been caught, Amber stopped dead in his tracks.

“Did you forget me, Amber?”

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His breath quickened. Slowly turning around, Amber examined him carefully. His jaw was ruined by drugs, but Amber remembered his glass-like eyes. Ironically, he had once thought the man had a good impression when he smiled. Enough to forget the atrocities he had committed.

“…Mr. Hurston?”

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The man burst into loud laughter. His laughter echoed through the deserted Chicago River. Amber hurriedly turned around. That laughter seemed to tie shadows that held him in place.

This can’t be, how can Mr. Hurston be here?

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At that moment, Amber was pulled back not to Chicago, but to a small town in Oregon. Among the forest of buildings, the river making water sounds, and buildings packed so densely the horizon couldn’t be seen, Amber was back in that house. Hurston’s office.

He had thought about what he would do if they ever met again. He had felt a burning anger that made him want to tear Hurston apart and kill him, and he had also imagined passing by him indifferently as if he had forgotten everything.

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But not like this. The Hurston he actually faced was far more disgusting than he remembered, worthless and base, and above all…

He made him tremble with fear.

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Amber stepped back hesitantly. His shoulders ached. As an adult. Amber was now taller than him, but he fell into an illusion of feeling endlessly small. It felt like he would see the illusion of becoming infinitely small under his grasp, his shoulders firmly held.

As Amber quickly turned his back, Hurston screamed in a shrill voice.

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“Amber! Amber!”

Amber gritted his teeth and ran. His breath rose to the top of his throat. It felt like his heart would burst through his ribs.

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“After what I went through because of you! Come back right now!”

I thought it was over.

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“Amber! Come back! Come back!”

Then Amber stopped as if possessed. He sensed he was standing at a crossroads of choice.

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Later, when sanity returned and he would reflect on this moment, how much would he regret, how much would he blame himself and feel ashamed?

“Amber!”

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Hurston’s cry faintly echoed from under the gray bridge. The cry from afar was small, but it echoed and shook Amber’s brain back and forth. Should I go? Turn around and right now… right now…

What should I do?

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What should I do?

His legs trembled and his whole body was soaked in sweat. Amber looked back. If he ran, he could meet him. He wanted to grab his collar and ask. Why he did that to  him, why he hurt  him, why he cherished some children and gave them wonderful childhoods… why he couldn’t do the same for him.

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He was scared. He wanted to hide.

He moved his feet again. Somewhere else, not toward the riverside where Hurston was. He ran desperately as if fleeing from the past, from the ghost. He was seized by the illusion that if he stopped his feet even slightly, Hurston would grab his neck and slam him to the ground.

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It hurts, Mr. Hurston, please stop.

To Hurston, who appeared to others as such a good guardian, Amber had to beg every night.

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Mr. Hurston, it hurts, it hurts! Please let me go.

Dawn broke. Only after discovering the rising sun did Amber, who was breathing urgently as if his head would burst, stop his feet. Blue and red light leaked through the forest of buildings.

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Looking now, one of his shoes was missing. His left foot, missing its shoe, was covered in blood and missing toenails. Unable to properly catch his breath, Amber clutched his head. He collapsed down and buried his face in his knees. Each breath stabbed at his chest.

‘Amber, Amber.’

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Hurston called him as if singing.

‘Do you know how ambers are made?’

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Hurston approached the sobbing Amber. He tapped Amber’s head with his index finger. Look here. It was that kind of command. When Amber, who had been crying, barely raised his head, Hurston showed a benevolent smile.

‘Trees release something called resin. As that resin gradually hardens, it’s called copal. When that hardens over a long time, we call it amber. For amber to form, it needs tremendous pressure. It also needs a long time. But, before that, Amber, the resin must come out first. That’s very important.’

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Hurston grabbed Amber’s shoulders and lifted him up in one motion. Agh! Though Amber screamed at the sharp pain in his shoulders, Hurston continued speaking as if he hadn’t heard.

‘For that to happen, you need to wound the tree.’

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He would say things like this.

‘Remember, Amber, I’m not causing you pain without reason. It’s all to draw out the gem within you.’

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“Please don’t…”

“Are you okay?”

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Amber closed his eyes and covered his ears. The rising sun stung his eyes. Amber lowered his head and didn’t listen. He felt like an ant burning helplessly under a lens.

God tortured Amber without any guilt.

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There is no perfect innocence. How certain can you be that you didn’t bring this upon yourself at all? If it wasn’t your fault, why were you the only one who suffered so much among all those children?

“Are you okay? Oh my god.”

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Footsteps approached. Amber curled up as if protecting himself.

Get it together, Amber. Ryker, get it together.

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“Paul! Come here, someone’s here.”

Footsteps approached like gunshots. Amber bit his lips while tensing his entire body.

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“Look at this sweat, should we call the police?”

“911, we need to call 911.”

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Urgent footsteps echoed. Amber couldn’t open his eyes.

No, Mr. Hurston. It hurts too much.

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