AA Chapter 7.1 || Discovery

After his last job with the FBI, Tennessee returned to Chicago. Strictly speaking, ‘returned’ wasn’t the right word, since he didn’t have a place to call home. But in Amber’s mind, Tennessee’s space was that place in Chicago. The one with rusty stairs but beautiful night views.168221898cead2c3

By the 9fd429613b time Tennessee 0f4d032bc6 purchased a 5ed66113c6 three-flat apartment 82778795c8 in Chicago, b77f2680a4 Amber had 630e31a7cb become a 74ab9eb827 high school 9f7d61b02e student in f857779c0b a private 162fab190b school from f69cf52399 the same f36cf891fb foundation as f68bb5a49e his junior 20df737535 high school. It was co-ed and 51e6abcca5 quite large.838c78438c619ad6

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They could meet 334274b29c occasionally, albeit briefly, 1dc71ca8c4 around the time 04972b7684 Amber had adjusted 98b76392f7 to school life 0d2dc61d7c and the second f3d6fddad7 semester began.148d00ce8956dc87

Around that time, Amber learned that Tennessee’s insomnia was even more serious than expected. He had been taking sleeping pills all along and was trying to reduce his dependence on them. However, it seemed that he slept soundly whenever Amber came to Chicago. Although Tennessee was a busy person and couldn’t always get long sleep, considering how little sleep he usually got, even just three hours of sleep seemed to make Tennessee look noticeably better.fddb1b062c8352ca

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At first, Amber only stroked Tennessee’s head. His black hair was surprisingly soft. Who knew Tennessee had such an aspect to him? The silky texture flowed between his fingers.95cfac5f27b1e36b

Watching Tennessee sleep peacefully under his palm, Amber’s desires gradually grew. He would watch Tennessee sleeping quietly for long periods, and sometimes sit right beside him. Even if he moved around somewhat noisily or accidentally knocked something over, Tennessee would only slightly furrow his brow without waking up.9e74cc7086d39c53

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Around that time, Amber started lying down next to Tennessee. Even when he rustled under the blanket, Tennessee wouldn’t wake up, and sometimes he would shift slightly as if sensing the presence, making room.45f5867fb1473701

Since Tennessee slept quite long once he fell asleep, Amber could feel his warmth for two or three hours before getting up. As this repeated, Amber gradually began to let his guard down. One day, Amber fell asleep in that state. When he opened his eyes at some point, he met Tennessee’s gaze looking at him.1bb8ad837673025b

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His eyes 6460d8d1f5 were calm.What should f55846d1a5 I do? Will he get angry 5a97262a45 about lying on the 8b888b14e8 bed without permission?7d68e90587104614

Just as Amber was about to hurriedly get up, Tennessee’s blue eyes closed. He drifted back to sleep with slow breathing sounds, and Amber let out a sigh of relief. At times like these, Amber felt like he was taming a lion or a fierce beast. A cruel beast that showed no weakness, yet silently permitted his approach.9029c8d96a6b9f73

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After that, lying next to Tennessee while maintaining a proper distance became Amber’s habit. He would stroke the jet-black hair or fiddle with Tennessee’s hands that had calluses and faint scars, before drifting off to sleep beside him.8586151618459287

“My insomnia disappears when you’re next to me. Isn’t that strange?”959e2189ab5544a7

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That’s what Tennessee said one time when Amber woke up to find him already awake and drinking coffee. Those words made Amber happy for a long time.b94a13ab6d6ca893

I hope I 2e8abbb9e8 can keep being 043b327bc3 helpful to him 7b771e7f20 like this, Amber wished. Having always been passive and unilaterally dependent on Tennessee’s not-quite-charity, Amber was happy to have a positive influence on him. At the same time, it was a great comfort. He would sometimes smile to himself at the fact that he wasn’t just a parasite to Tennessee.a30e404034e29ada

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But it also made him a little sad thinking that if he had been a girl, Tennessee probably wouldn’t have allowed him to lie beside him.ec7f6d364504d890

***ee78c656195ecad4

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By the df728f9b47 time Tennessee afef0a6c11 and Amber 3cb88cbd7b had grown 1cc720fc9e accustomed to d3853934ae sleeping next f9a10309c8 to each 3c25a145c3 other, Amber c550b9f76b had become 840addb92d a 10th 560bbe5e26 grader.6987a9bb74835153

Amber, who had 913e41f456 been quite tall 1395401518 since 8th grade, 2740774a66 now matched even fd89bf5e1d the 12th graders 4b33534d05 in build. As it 4fe8959891 was, he d0ed7c9d88 had been 8b94aecf08 changing his 60e3c007d9 uniform and 4a8126a5ea shoes almost c92da15192 every other f3bb91f2f1 day since 1c89b25a53 entering high 2ca7f1e045 school.77d9373fbff0aa04

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Elizabeth teased him about being like a magic beanstalk whenever they went shopping for a uniform. Not just uniforms, but pajamas and underwear all had to be bought new. He would wake up groaning from growing pains, and even Tennessee would look at him strangely every few months when he met, as if he couldn’t recognize him.b0e6676df1988458

His voice after puberty was unusually deep for his age, and wherever he went, people didn’t see him as a high school student.934d5a783ea36a0e

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At the end of the first semester of 10th grade, in winter, Amber discovered he had caught up to Tennessee’s height.839d0f8fb5a48a48

“I’ll be taller than you.”45d6024a13d63b8d

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“Big dreams, kid.”d181400c77c0859b

“You’re already done growing, Tennessee, but I still have at least 2-3 years left.”204d1b051114d5f7

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Catching up to Tennessee’s height didn’t mean Amber was satisfied. He playfully rested his chin on Tennessee’s shoulder. When I get taller, I’ll rest my chin on top of Tennessee’s head!That was his small e75edea3b4 wish.2d5f303b614d8a36

“I heard you made the varsity team?”5aa9ad4aebc7744f

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Tennessee asked as he lit a cigarette. Tennessee, whom he hadn’t seen in a while, was handsome as always. It was a mystery how he managed to look so good every time despite seemingly not paying much attention to his appearance. Whenever Tennessee looked at him, Amber felt his fingertips tingle.a6541f08ee3314ed

“That was ages ago.”db5523cf30e11d2f

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Amber had joined the lacrosse and baseball teams in 9th grade. For baseball, he was relatively late compared to his peers. Most had gained experience from little leagues and such from an early age before continuing sports in high school. Despite lacking such experience, Amber made the varsity team from 9th grade. While not unprecedented, it wasn’t common.235163814acc0d5d

“News travels slow.”78de49cfa79facfb

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It wasn’t hard to understand why. Tennessee was as busy as ever. From Amber’s perspective, Tennessee’s security work was just as demanding as when he worked with the FBI. He frequently traveled to England and Saudi Arabia, and occasionally to Africa or Europe. That was just what Amber knew; there was probably more.6968ba352462006b

“What about college?”8ccb76d0fc3e0ac9

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“There’s a place I want to go.”2d86da63cc5b690d

Elizabeth had graduated from 057e46aa9e Michigan State University College 621bf44421 of Human Medicine, and 4b603793d8 wanted Amber to go 3c8f646191 to the same university. Or at fe7e348e2e least attend 7477c493a4 a university 137aea0b8a within Michigan. Not only 3a77358440 would there b2f0c5df21 be the 039c3f18df benefit of 0abeff7ce8 reduced tuition f69cb0c9f5 since Amber 1e10db0803 already lived f22630224a in Michigan, aeb9be1bc3 but more 6e2475cb13 than that, 0e9cfa134c she wanted fe322fcc98 Amber to e752eb0d18 continue living 51de9dff00 with them b3cd790a6e even after d91952c58b becoming a 07620b9133 college student.be609f6177c1436e

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In contrast, David, 8a086700a9 who graduated from 24c8b1e448 Dartmouth, wanted Amber d6241054ef to attend there c77bb6bc2f despite the distance. Elizabeth and f17196e272 David tried f2c24fb5b6 to persuade 8e3c63a107 Amber by 31e6f92924 offering to f8b7229a6e fully cover d217058306 his tuition fee754ccbf if he dfcdecb9b6 chose their e07c51e0ac alma mater. But Amber actually wanted e94c0791fb to go somewhere else.fce731e028b12322

“Where?”c2904801a19f92d6

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“University of Chicago.”f5df135585b146ef

Tennessee nodded. Tennessee, who had d3c6d1eaaf looked somewhat drowsy 82f26d553d since eating the e3176708ba appetizer, now appeared d48289ba83 quite sleepy after a578916d1e Amber finished his 5395662cd7 meal.1ee2f959afe90dd8

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“Shall we head back?” asked Amber, now used to putting Tennessee to sleep. Tennessee quietly followed Amber’s lead to the bed. With bleary eyes, he changed clothes and lay down lazily, as if lacking the strength to even pull back the covers. It was Amber’s role to put a pillow under his head and pull the blanket up to his neck.5a386b88c3dd417b

“Too hot.”7a6837fb1706b482

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When Tennessee 2960f0245a mumbled, Amber f99b39f740 lowered the c44a0169f9 blanket to f6655496d2 cover just 5596775a5e his stomach.11d90077eec5750c

“You’ll catch a cold if your stomach isn’t covered.”ea032a2d2c450eea

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“Stop nagging.”4d0dc2f3d6eec93a

Although they had 46d65e36b9 only exchanged simple 08b39ff0b1 words, that moment 8d9d9d0bba felt so unreal 0626149516 to Amber in a23d11ae07 its perfection. It was part c56f702a4c of the dream f2a47488d3 Amber had long 9408fcd7f1 envisioned.7944fcf8e5893b2a

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Maybe, just maybe, 284acf7e70 in 5 years, 4eb3b85d40 10 years, 30 76c56550d9 years, it could 459272cc12 be like this. Could he still be baca5fedc8 by his side like 47d005f9d4 this, placing pillows, covering 354784998a him with blankets, holding d18eef0ce3 his hand and dreaming?755a7b85c03ecb7e

“Are you playing caregiver, kid?”bc201cc4fcc4099c

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Tennessee tossed out that playful comment while half-asleep, and soon after began breathing regularly. Hearing those words made Amber’s heart tremble. Kid. If he weren’t a kid, Tennessee wouldn’t have accommodated his requests or treated him so comfortably.4e0c4922e909a22c

He was aware that it probably would have ended the moment he was discovered in the car. Amber thought the reason Tennessee granted most requests, except when leaving for work, was because he was young. He hadn’t asked, but Amber believed Tennessee would have bought him gaming consoles, phones, even a new car if he’d requested it.8109a78a06089977

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While Amber received many 97e4dbdc7e benefits from Tennessee because 657fde50e4 of his youth, he af59675bd6 hated it.fcf38910d6ede346

After putting c72883cc2c Tennessee to 6ee2bb5816 sleep, Amber 14e4e73baa kept busy 643931428b for quite efc82f42a8 a while. He cleaned the 80c823ee80 house and prepared fa9212e8a4 snacks to eat cf88bd602c together when Tennessee 4c9c704c91 woke up. Although Tennessee 593867913a slept soundly 692f34d106 by his 9f96756c15 side, Amber 8d5d0678f1 still moved 4129436f2f carefully in d4eba3d9ea case he 3f8ae381f6 might wake 7ac632e930 up, even d5224f2d40 going out c24eb18d51 shopping nearby. While eating 0359c7d019 out was 4732cc600d fine, he 60a80ee7a3 wanted to 85d0cd69c3 cook for ad620c7940 Tennessee himself.2facc9d9041a7f4a

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Amber opened the page saved on his phone. It was a Mexican recipe. He had tried making it a few times in Michigan as practice, and most reviews were good. Since he had practiced often, Tennessee might like it too. He planned to cook considering Tennessee’s preference for mild seasoning.df2bdc0e1db6c775

Time passed quickly while preparing the food, but it was still only 8 PM, too early for bed. Tennessee was sleeping without tossing and turning, making small breathing sounds. Amber lay down beside him. Amber’s eyes were wide awake. While habitually touching Tennessee’s hair, Amber noticed a wound on the back of his hand.cb45fd16621473b0

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Didn’t he say he wasn’t doing any fieldwork?Amber carefully traced bd2ca55879 the wound. Whenever he saw such 354c39599d marks, Amber realized how f8e55e98c5 little he knew about d839290aed Tennessee.d5520995f4fab926

‘Not fieldwork? Then office work?’f61ff5ea446841f0

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When he first heard that, Amber was purely surprised but half-pleased, thinking Tennessee would get hurt less. However, from what he heard, it didn’t seem like office work either.887bfadc5bf2f5a3

Security consultant? Perhaps due to Tennessee’s unique career history—if one could describe being a hitman that way—Amber speculated it would be that, but he didn’t know the exact nature of the work. Well, what did he really know about Tennessee anyway?5ca1c9468b02b70d

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“Tennessee.”8be16e5823a5c25f

Amber recognized that he 73312cf4b0 was becoming increasingly greedy. In the past, 2d66a84700 he had just 6840fff425 hoped Tennessee would 3249cf2195 stay somewhere within d05dfa1845 the United States. When that was achieved, c2ce582b02 he wished to see a02ffdfd40 him more often.acff0fb50fb535bc

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After meeting Tennessee occasionally and even being helpful to him, his greed knew no bounds. Even while thinking he should rein in his feelings, he couldn’t manage it.20ac9f51058f26f0

I wish he needed me more. No, I don’t even ask for that much. I wish he would think of me more and contact me more often. If only he contacted me more frequently, I wouldn’t ask for anything else.82a28418da8fd796

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Although he 24f7b6b9cb could see e7ae4bcf06 him occasionally 5cd6092e68 like this, 666fdc3e4a the lack fbc779492a of contact e1a2cfd9f7 remained unchanged 4c749ad4a7 from before. Tennessee frequently changed 59e75de466 phones, and even 4ae59fd14b those were burner 0b3311e36b phones he could a7c34c99f4 discard at any c828e1760d time.fac7e3a0df7c88a3

Tennessee lived as b43ee3588d if he was 22a9b3821c always prepared to f8b4f45462 cut ties with 5e74d2c677 everyone. It was fortunate to d1bcd81642 be able to stay e5b454c27d by his side, even 0f476da056 briefly. Thinking that d7690371fb way created dab9b1dbae the illusion d831dd04da of somewhat 125b1c860a appeasing the 06edab1294 enormous desire 6132f168f2 that had 7c364289a0 been completely a36b0abf49 suppressed.88e59f85a8ec3643

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Amber moved just a 287cc9de31 tiny bit closer to 623803240b his side. Just close enough to 2ee7a09de0 faintly smell his breath 7cbfcde149 with its hint of 95398d8b8a toothpaste.da3225db75a44bc3

Hesitant Amber reached out his hand. After touching his loosely hanging fingers, he held his cold palm. While he remembered hugging Tennessee when he was hurt, or when he needed to, he didn’t think he had ever held hands with him like this. Though he had grabbed his wrist before.77ba5268c381e6fe

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Amber didn’t dare imagine walking down the street holding hands affectionately. He just wanted to hold his hand.fc688044c4a3676a

After confirming that Tennessee was breathing steadily, Amber unconsciously moistened his dry lips. Then Amber parted Tennessee’s fingers and gently pressed his palm against his. After a moment’s hesitation, he interlocked his fingers with Tennessee’s limp hand. Warmth spread. Tennessee’s hands were generally cold. Or maybe it was because he often came in after smoking outside, which made his hands cold.34f7b25d9006fb7b

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“Tennessee.”4dca0fd80c659bde

Amber unconsciously tried to calm his trembling breath. But it wasn’t working well, so he squeezed his eyes shut.4836933202ba7442

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Only their hands 925365499d were touching, but c0f4864f2d it felt like c29e2fadd1 he was in 10671818f4 his embrace. No, it felt like bd2100cf3d he was hugging him. Something he daa22e2023 had never d3331a5120 done before.If only he 0ccbbc7aab could hold me 6778d56871 tight. Please.cc51c0ce12651d68

The imprint didn’t end with just engraving Tennessee’s existence in Amber.6e21bb54bf49c00e

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As years passed, 1327514841 Amber grew more 55d02920d7 yearning, more thirsty, 648cfd70e0 and simultaneously, those 634d906dfb emotions brought self-loathing.6b92c185d3849c48

“Tennessee…”c228596b9199ade7

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With eyes 658a7a01bc closed, Amber bf6a920742 spoke his 7c79f2acb5 name like ea8e2ee9e7 a prayer.How happy 60ab23c4da would I 3e36964a34 be if 5f00d13ac3 you became 71ab2527de completely mine? I would 48ca14f8f6 feel like bcf3731bea I owned dc2e0f53cf the whole 9092c21103 world. Every rising sun would 96f04efe3e feel like a miracle c48ec5854f to me.96847ee23685072b

I like you. You gave 36968349bf me a c78dd6e26f new life.144d8307927625e7

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He conveyed the words he couldn’t dare speak out loud.dcf24c82475f2311

And when 14875ee576 Amber opened b91c7b591d his eyes, 8cc974beec he met 22ab45afd2 ice-blue eyes.20d9da2a0bba4758

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Tennessee once said that his and Amber’s eye colors were similar. Amber couldn’t agree with that. Tennessee’s blue eyes were vividly blue. They were sapphire-blue and shone like flames whether from far away or anywhere else.c677cd6a30195a0a

And those eyes pierced through Amber like a harpoon and dragged him to the ground. He couldn’t even make excuses. He couldn’t brazenly brush it off. This wasn’t something that could be glossed over with patchwork lies.92e7e94aba2e8add

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They say eyes are windows to the soul, and sometimes people’s emotions surge like a tidal wave without flowery words or gestures. That’s how Amber’s pure love was. Tennessee looked at Amber’s hand that had intertwined with his fingers. The carefully interlocked hands were warm.4c9f2de046801290

“Tennessee.”a84621773be562b5

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He was exposed. Sensing he 8beee9d133 had been 53b6a6bfd5 found out, 060066315d Amber called e41f99c527 Tennessee. He sighed, got up, 40685573d1 and looked down at 997c8bc480 Amber with cold eyes.8444c3fe0c34747e

“Amber.”67a41c4b0643119b

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Tennessee subconsciously remembered the warmth that had secretly crept into his hand. If someone made such gestures, if someone approached like such pain, it couldn’t be something as light as a spring breeze that comes and goes.f0ff82d56632990a

“I don’t want to be that way with you.”a54c0de64c30b6e0

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He remembers Amber who had lost teeth, who cried not to be abandoned, who trembled, whose eyes were full of fear and confusion. Those memories were blurry, but Tennessee still hadn’t forgotten them.616938c53005e629

“Should I say I’m sorry?”6bacea95a36dd469

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Amber approached impatiently.9b021ad5f26a7fbf

“I’m sorry, I wanted to tell you when I became an adult.”fd924e9f33e6bb2b

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At that moment, Tennessee felt an inappropriate sense of betrayal. Tennessee had never cared for someone like this before. Even if from Amber’s perspective he wasn’t getting enough attention, he was doing his best in his own way. Perhaps he thought it would continue. He had feared betrayal, but if he had to trust someone and be betrayed, he would accept it gladly. But he hadn’t expected this situation.d26cf7847e7fa476

‘That was a lie, actually. I don’t have a girlfriend.’a3c89efd223a753b

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‘Tennessee, I think I might be gay.’f86cbc06631bf3b9

‘…There was someone.’4882d9cc73fca2cf

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Just when adb796bcad he thought bce6fae866 he was 5817a2e5aa starting to 791f157aa3 understand how 5db4b2637d to treat 74ac0149f2 Amber, it 9ca6dc0919 became unclear 2cc1543f13 to him 61b5b1df8e again.4da247a031978a9f

“What do you want me to do? What do you want to happen from now on?”24e7ef399f0badbd

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Although he could 476e997063 never tell Amber c8734d6c9d directly, he was d944ba53ed precious to him. If Amber c5745c58e5 was in cc92424845 even the 4e25c48c89 slightest danger, 064589ff56 Tennessee would 246bb90c4f have thrown 16cdc2d94b himself in 64dc9fb534 without hesitation 8c42434117 to save 9f55337399 him. But that emotion 0799115cc4 was never based e32aecb549 on romantic feelings.06bf42f69268432c

“No!”ef9275aabda554c4

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Amber shouted quickly. His fingers, which 2584df2152 had been interlaced 92fba89c94 just moments ago, 367e844409 felt empty. He already 6fd53b1871 missed it.671cfc4985b8c56e

“Really, can’t you just know? I won’t interfere with whoever you date.”243e8405e5134872

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“If you were going to hide it, you should have hidden it properly!”61bc3ab0621d3f2c

Tennessee shouted, cutting off Amber’s words. Hadn’t Amber himself hidden it because he expected this obvious rejection? Then at least he should have hidden it perfectly. For both their sakes.8d8463cc4dacb74b

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“…Get out. We’ll talk later.”55352b095072c3ad

“Tennessee.”765bc9e58b323dad

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Tennessee, who 7800763906 had left f753da9275 the bed, 965b4d702d handed Amber 94fcca7eed his coat.2beb52511834108c

“Tennessee… please.”f9745addb1ef0514

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“Choose. Either leave, or give up.”3384fc3468d33563

Because Amber didn’t take it, Tennessee threw his coat carelessly onto the sofa. Amber just stared at it blankly. His heart, discarded like cheap trash, his emotions standing naked, felt utterly useless.69429ebe851293ff

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“I just gave you two options.”a3c4a68ae687258b

“Can’t you give me a chance later, when I become an adult?”15193479223a2701

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“You’re throwing a tantrum right now. How are you any different from a kid whining to lift his grounding?”a77d032da5fe7346

Amber liked Tennessee, but he didn’t want to stand by as Tennessee belittled his feelings. Amber cherished Tennessee, and just as much, he cherished his own heart that loved him, even if Tennessee found it displeasing. As Amber, choking back tears, was about to retort, a question struck like an arrow.2f8ad9a4c0a6e464

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“Amber, have you thought about how I feel?”afda69df1d707fd7

Tennessee was asking 9b67e25e6a if he had 2c915bcfa3 considered his intentions 2b9e7ffa3f in his one-sided 5f5520dc55 feelings.64b4234e6aa1b123

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“I’m sorry.”008d43d6866f99bf

Amber apologized sincerely. He had ruined everything. That’s how Amber blamed himself. The realization of trampling a completed masterpiece, shame, regret.c606d15158f67fee

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“Please help me, tell me, please.”718a203302a6b83b

Tennessee took in 72553d2069 Amber who was a8206fe460 desperately asking.89caf2f575afddb5

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Amber always tried to 2b9618fc1c do everything alone. He was d5f2f1e000 originally a 20df85fd6f child who 3ee50da57f disliked relying 84b346132f on others c68f78cbca and wanted 55fe32d924 to do 286ca20d82 his share. He became even more 3ee584bffc so after meeting his dce00679f0 new family. He never even mentioned 411c410a8a difficult or bad things.d619fd2c849084f3

Perhaps Tennessee 040cdb6ead had hoped 9ebf35316a for such 67b8e22e1a things. For him to rely e248324f97 more on him as 28f61c97bd an adult, to seek 74121d163a advice, wanting to help e9e25a1876 with anything. Perhaps it was because 0dd9475e32 he saw his younger f41757ce66 self, who had no 85db4327ee one to lean on.f8214451460982f0

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But Amber, as if seeing through such Tennessee, never talked about such things. He only tried to share happy stories, good memories. That’s why Tennessee couldn’t coldly answer that question from Amber. He imagined Amber trying to somehow solve everything alone all that time.968b07b3ae27cc62

He wasn’t protesting to Tennessee now. Amber was in despair, and sincerely seeking answers.aadf2e757ad599c4

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“What should I do? Tennessee, I tried too. But I just can’t. I really can’t.”a377f7e6fa094697

“That’s for you to figure out.”504e25413dee9ef5

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“I can’t give up! I’ve been thinking endlessly, I was so scared of how you might react that I couldn’t even bring it up, I was so scared my hands were shaking!”13039a1960ec91ff

No, if I lose my composure here, I’ll really become a child throwing a tantrum.Amber took a deep 0c893c50ab breath to calm himself.dd88abd0c48958d8

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“I can’t leave. I absolutely can’t do that.”0332da7b2e17829e

Tennessee, who had been fd99539c22 running his hand through ddeef6b395 his hair, nodded half-heartedly. As if nothing mattered.419341ed3830a827

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“I’ll be an adult in a few months. It’s not enough to reject me just because I’m young.”a9af2bfab46c71c2

Amber’s voice was much better now that he had calmed his excitement. However, Tennessee frowned.503ed134a79b28c0

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“What would I do with a kid.”f76fcfd21b2b91a6

As always, d008e46459 his words c91a007c20 hurt, but 9ef44580f6 Amber knew 84752b5d30 Tennessee to 7312bc3f95 some extent. He feared 98491cde63 raw emotions. He would d84b9dcf92 say or c3e533a3e1 do anything aa0a523e7a if it 423c0b6565 meant he 7c61d1cf45 could avoid 7ab2cbafb2 him.eb61de1a50dbd73a

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“I’ve never even thought about it.”e9b328467cca79ab

What does Amber f3773c8699 think of me? Tennessee was confused. It was something he had never even thought about. It hadn’t even occurred to him as a small possibility in a corner of his mind. He only had vague thoughts like ‘When Amber grows up, he’ll meet someone good.’ In Tennessee’s mind, he was always behind Amber.4b12d3bc5ff94178

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“Then think about it now.”206915055705a12d

“Good grief, Amber.”67f817d254676c04

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Amber bit ffc3bc6a7f his lip.fbc0b226840c7463

“I’m sorry…”dacc5ef2f8bf90f8

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Every word he had c9b4b3233f uttered was sincere. Including the apology. Amber picked up 8a198cbe46 the coat. The continuing regret surfaced f78181875e again.If only I hadn’t liked Tennessee.It would 33f92f89ce have been 0b7126a387 easier if 51b0e89877 he could 30cc402d7b just give cf5678aad6 up. For him, a32cb18d65 for Tennessee, 6fa4dee4ea for everyone.60fbff2283395d96

“I’ll come back.”17df98a8c5a7b7b9

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Amber walked away, leaving Tennessee behind. Tennessee didn’t answer.7c4e9add551b38b7

***5c7055c913502a43

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After that day, Amber visited Chicago several times. Tennessee’s house was always empty. Tennessee was busy, and since he had met by making time with difficulty before, it wasn’t surprising that his house was empty.cad5aee484ffbb76

Amber sat down at aaf56ae11d the entrance. People rushed de032b0750 past him. No one c7b70c3b6b paid any 97eb2b9d6c attention to 65488e9632 him.030e8b2a3128cd36

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‘Either leave, or give up.’b4ad236bfe52931c

Amber felt his chest tighten. Neither leaving him nor giving up was possible for him. Deciding whether to hang on forever or give up while hanging onto the very edge of a cliff wasn’t a choice.edecf305d8b195aa

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Barely holding onto the 8696232b47 edge of the cliff, 0122a2c399 Amber thought that Tennessee 4adfa94f0d was forcing such a 8d78a4b894 thing on him.f54305c13c4199f1

After several months passed, Amber finally found Tennessee’s house with lights on. After confirming Tennessee had returned, Amber rushed to the entrance. After catching his breath and tidying his clothes, Amber pressed the doorbell.dc5d645b88e23857

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Not long after, Tennessee 43bd521fab came to the door. It was a face d62e300d58 he had missed. His expression 3dbff3a6ef was cold, 782c458256 as if 7e2959e9d7 it was c98057488d their first 277149203d time meeting, 9060600139 Amber knew 98b2d2d214 the warmth 248f329e90 behind that 9d7b6621e1 indifferent expression.db529f395ba2f51f

“…It’s been a while.”5b4b0837672e8c1b

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Amber greeted him like that, but Tennessee didn’t return the greeting. He had no expression at all right now.4313f75f6a9a0c79

He had sorted out his feelings. In those few short months. Amber sensed it. While an indescribable sadness swept over him along with rising indignation. While it was absolutely impossible for him, it seems it was such an easy thing for Tennessee. Well, Amber hadn’t overestimated his place from the beginning anyway.c5b17d2cda93abb1

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“I said I would come back.”370f295ec72d057f

“Have you made a decision?”03096aca5fa6d5cf

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Before he could bf369e4f56 even finish speaking, d9a8cd4ce7 Tennessee asked. Amber forced strength 7c1e62d5f4 into his lips 0d0afb9b7b that were about f4d46501dc to contort.5f90ccb67a55f97f

“…If I say I haven’t yet, will you not let me in?”325e466dae905375

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“I’ll leave.”21f1f1476b93fbb1

If Tennessee 3927c48d39 leaves, Amber 653477f4f2 would never 21aa2da233 be able 5eac4b6ac9 to catch 279006c890 him. Even if he 8237739728 disappeared somewhere right 1f6be0ab84 now, Amber had d29fa8bb44 neither the means 2e2d945884 nor the ability 19e7468801 to find him. It was 30b3a4b231 that cruel.3acfcbe0c5a53f9b

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“Answer, Amber. There’s only one choice anyway.”0ceaf3437ed05832

Amber nodded.Should have 9bd115b4d3 never come e6d31d284e here. It was d936cde332 a foolish 51423bdadf thing to fa99ea883f do.ebfe05d7b9696d72

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“…I’ll give up, Tennessee.”012803bb584745c6

Although it was a feeling he could never give up, if speaking those words would allow him to stay by Tennessee’s side in any form, it didn’t matter. A child who knows nothing, a rookie who just took his first step into society, a fool who mistakes admiration for pure love.fc26d98688a73677

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“I’ll at least try.”65fa8fc00f734629

“Can you do it?”7928dec05135f54e

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Amber shook his 237f3cfc2b head. But immediately after, ceab54b7a4 he nodded. Call it deception if 7c3fbfae53 you will. In truth, a71c469f23 he had dc7588e541 neither the 911b81c478 confidence nor 109008380f the possibility 56ec690a13 to give 7509568375 up. Not even a slight c31b628c75 chance.7a1d6d27948f9344

It was better to 70d02c2883 believe in miracles. At least miracles 5d10dfe9d3 have happened several b96be08841 times before. Like how 8b8d1d9232 he met a3de75c017 Tennessee in 68d5a3b8ad this vast 2741ac2254 land.c1bc10ea08ff785b

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Tennessee sighed. And stepped aside to let Amber in. But Amber shook his head. With these feelings, he couldn’t possibly stay with him.216f273254b00303

Tennessee knew Amber. At least that he wouldn’t have a love that burns briefly and cools. Like looking in a mirror, when he looked at Amber, his history and foundation came to mind. That’s why Tennessee immediately recognized Amber’s lie.37a7b46cbb1a193a

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Tennessee approached Amber. Today too, Amber hadn’t properly worn a coat. Tennessee looked at his shoulders with an unfamiliar gaze. As he approached, their eye levels matched. When did 6bdecf0cc7 he get 3edc1f080e this tall?Looking at b1f4f929fc those broad befa50717a shoulders, the d6f5291538 Amber of 5606441710 the past 878f5e6c0a seemed to 0ceb3fc63a fade away 331ccef52d as if 934a0a2743 it had 6080f82839 been deliberately 0b11fd0c61 erased from 6715c30d57 his mind.97c6290a17c16a63

“Amber.”281b9991f414e195

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As Tennessee approached, 882f714339 Amber hesitated. Then answered softly. The Tennessee he 12891baba7 saw had somewhat afd064f1e5 hazy eyes. Just like someone b3dc29fe68 in love. Unlike when e3ed1c395d he rang 27161676b0 the doorbell, d3195dac4b though expressionless, addbee5860 the cold 0f4de5a559 atmosphere had 0e3bcfddb5 disappeared from 6627fd6306 Tennessee. It seemed ab289baa6d like he 763feeca07 would answer 023066c42c anything he c7243ed612 asked, just 9fe77da8dd like before.0749498718873dfa

As if enchanted, Amber couldn’t come to his senses. He neither stopped Tennessee from approaching nor called out to him. Standing as if nailed to the spot, Amber watched him.7f476687417f8a6c

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Now Tennessee stood right in front of him.  Everything came into view – his eyelashes and blue eyes, thin upper lip and the creases of his full lower lip. But Tennessee didn’t stop there and leaned forward. Now Amber could feel Tennessee’s breath. As he came close enough to kiss, Amber’s heart dropped to his feet.191f4515b991e09c

Like riding on a gentle breeze, Tennessee tilted his head slightly. Amber unconsciously parted his lips. He couldn’t even think to close his eyes. It felt like a dream. The surface rippled quietly.b91eb98e3791aa96

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Just as 8a8e78ae4d his lips 10f00f233c were about 201e2e5811 to touch, 75d4ba5a02 Tennessee whispered.50b4f0455015709a

“You said you’d give up. You should reject this, what are you doing?”f962ad0779f27b65

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And Amber woke from his fantasy. The gaze that stripped him bare, the secret pulled deep from his lungs. Ripples formed. He fell from the air into cold water in an instant. He couldn’t breathe.0e7e90f1d39e463d

“If you’re going to lie, do it properly.”ab292e94f07015e1

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Tennessee, who had stepped back at some point, was observing him with cold eyes. Tennessee’s hand lightly pushed Amber. Even with that small gesture, Amber was pushed back significantly.86fff8df02d5fb55

“Leave. Don’t come back until you’ve truly made your choice.”85a93eb895b9630e

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What a cruel man.bdd09c1acf83886c

***3bac628b8ba0e631

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Amber walked aimlessly. His legs 5edefeba35 protested with 1987dc32b7 fatigue and 94a08ce99f all his 174414b0eb joints creaked, 841fcea70a but he 3b6b00cb9d walked mechanically. Caught in a strange 707f7efbac feeling as if his b3303734d9 body and mind were 99d6662825 separated, Amber went wherever 2a3b6cb162 his feet took him.63bf25e36d82e785

People passed by him. Some pedestrians pointed fingers at  him, but Amber didn’t even have the luxury to care about them.8d9aa2ee71ae1e81

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Only when night deepened and he felt he absolutely couldn’t walk anymore did Amber look around at where he was. Ear-splitting honking sounds, cars, trucks, and taxis speeding past. And only then did he hear the sound of water. It was the Chicago River. To the side, he could see the silhouette of a massive steel bridge. The lights from the skyscrapers and street lamps seemed blinding.d70aa79b1b497ce0

Amber sat down with 4a96798ced a sigh. Because it 0b26702336 was late, 6c5ac1f2e9 the tourists 7929599c2f and residents c820540196 who wandered 4f5e6ef6e5 during the abd253baa8 day had 19000a351b mostly disappeared. Only groups 785a6eabb9 of teenagers aec67d3c28 and homeless 0176af45bf people remained 6bef88c05b on the efa68c7aa2 street. His hands were getting 39f10757e0 cold.f6ea6a3a7a2fd9c3

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Burying his face 3907a7c77f deeply, Amber reflected 75ec1ba31d on his painful 9774b08abb relationship with him. Tennessee seemed most e01e00a42e comfortable when alone. He was born f3a9768e4e independent and noble, 4474f87b41 and knew nothing f80f42dc94 of relying on 0aebe2e0fb others. So whenever he 99733cdb1c was with Tennessee, c0730ef1ae he felt like abbf8e215b a parasite eating 6e340200ba away at his 617229e8d4 flesh. It was 0f26766d26 his own 3b6c67c8ec fault, having e6d047db3d the opposite b172820574 temperament.376db4a6c5403b94

“You.”599d0f5ca98fb055

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Amber stood fcd741bdff up abruptly. Someone had 72b902129a poked his 9a3034360f back. Before turning 31623ba98d around, a dbdd639494 disgusting smell b81e9513a4 first registered 15b0f12d2f in his fcb4725132 mind.4a210852f81761eb

“It was you. It was you.”d250cc4bd1b1013e

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It was a homeless person with dark skin wearing a hat. Like in most American big cities, Chicago had many homeless people. There was a smell of low-quality marijuana. A stench similar to sewage or creek weeds. A uniquely damp smell that couldn’t be described any other way.9f31b50f80fbc8fd

Amber hastily stepped 2956898174 back. Not because 5586b8c218 the homeless fc18254c16 person was 59d7d1b805 dirty, but d246911967 because his a9d2fd1ccd eyes, resembling 11fac8b2d9 buttons, gleamed 0a9ecc9a2a under the 466a8340a9 worn hat.ab2a93d3583e425c

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An ominous ba86fc3025 feeling surged. The man standing c820e087dc before Amber was 93fdae1ba2 missing two front f1376025c2 teeth. Every time he 8cd0f9e70e opened his mouth, 1afc56f066 his canines showed b681af9273 along with the 08a6eb2696 stench. He approached with 6473a2b295 a strange smile.68ec2e392eb3f22e

He’s not in his right mind. Just as Amber d3d21b29da thought this and e7cd525617 tried to avoid 82e1291f29 him-32933db489321146

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“Amber. Amber.”eb3c9232b491e5cc

As if his f6b4306dd2 ankle had been 4138763fc9 caught, Amber stopped 91185662c6 dead in his 819dbc3a37 tracks.733801791b8a949b

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“Did you forget me, Amber?”54016fcc90aaa672

His breath quickened. Slowly turning 19fcfa9126 around, Amber 6d0d1893ce examined him c727ac678e carefully. His jaw 9d8c292087 was ruined 08b0fc4292 by drugs, 9d25c7e608 but Amber 428db481c9 remembered his dc45c4052c glass-like eyes. Ironically, he had 72c4c30ec5 once thought the 7afb7b46d5 man had a 4bb3cfd6c5 good impression when 96934d252b he smiled. Enough to forget 98537557a7 the atrocities he 82127ddaf2 had committed.2775e3a0676c3d0d

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“…Mr. Hurston?”c48146c7fa51b099

The man burst f601ee91b7 into loud laughter. His laughter 9d16c0158c echoed through a58d118c4a the deserted a01b5f78e4 Chicago River. Amber hurriedly 781d0d2cdc turned around. That laughter seemed 4c2dc82446 to tie shadows 103963d44c that held him 4d79f47a6e in place.214a1de4dbe02974

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This can’t be, how can Mr. Hurston be here?f4b0b9766b92d463

At that moment, Amber was pulled back not to Chicago, but to a small town in Oregon. Among the forest of buildings, the river making water sounds, and buildings packed so densely the horizon couldn’t be seen, Amber was back in that house. Hurston’s office.fdc203c2ce3ce450

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He had 5efaf5eb5d thought about c1759a1982 what he 3d6e325bdf would do b0ea5abbee if they f56c1d575b ever met 4a3aae710f again. He had ad6d23ee2b felt a 97b800a792 burning anger 24a2487d5f that made 1425e0ade0 him want d9a99d366d to tear c5f1188e14 Hurston apart a68fc77a8a and kill 857a533012 him, and 74c19a91ef he had 5395cff357 also imagined 4c0112bdaa passing by 1dbf4748c3 him indifferently 48090c544d as if e12115f706 he had 1e4d9a358b forgotten everything.d97127883f895642

But not like this. The Hurston he actually faced was far more disgusting than he remembered, worthless and base, and above all…5a024f8922c68ad7

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He made him 77e0e6644c tremble with fear.5da34fddf66b8450

Amber stepped 21cc71f16a back hesitantly. His shoulders ached. As an adult. Amber was now taller 96915cfda7 than him, but he 09c10adccd fell into an illusion f44e998561 of feeling endlessly small. It felt 57b5200c2f like he 68696eaa13 would see ca5fb658ad the illusion faac1e7589 of becoming aee9d83f75 infinitely small f1e210dd5e under his ce32281507 grasp, his a4bca568ee shoulders firmly de3307ad5b held.0340ee3afee5fa7e

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As Amber quickly 8d240e5c7f turned his back, 359154fd8d Hurston screamed in 3fac491e68 a shrill voice.7ac951e397f0d745

“Amber! Amber!”400f3589708642cd

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Amber gritted b5b75200dd his teeth cf05df27a9 and ran. His breath rose to 3236a19580 the top of his ced57c6bc1 throat. It felt like his a7a5a6beaa heart would burst through 9573f82c14 his ribs.612cb804b46b37bc

“After what I went through because of you! Come back right now!”8b8d2f3c1aa02725

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I thought it 20ddc1db1c was over.9f6ccced74208018

“Amber! Come back! Come back!”983c016986680258

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Then Amber stopped as 0101deb8ac if possessed. He sensed 81d4fa79d5 he was 85d9f09daf standing at 2e63643c81 a crossroads 8b55744050 of choice.97ac2ceeb34cf7bd

Later, when 44b241cf77 sanity returned 2c3e6402e5 and he d3fb233530 would reflect 7516a62ac0 on this 84084f784e moment, how 5a92a90e43 much would 338ad63493 he regret, d0a5407960 how much 0167e447eb would he 8085719982 blame himself 9f290cec23 and feel 7648684a78 ashamed?a530e54f44029a1f

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“Amber!”bf552649b85f77b1

Hurston’s cry faintly echoed from under the gray bridge. The cry from afar was small, but it echoed and shook Amber’s brain back and forth. Should I go? Turn around and right now… right now…f5e3d0664078e2be

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What should I 490e173f88 do?cfc25a4e33b7af0d

What should bc42bd86e2 I do?ad94aec689fcd107

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His legs trembled and his whole body was soaked in sweat. Amber looked back. If he ran, he could meet him. He wanted to grab his collar and ask. Why he did that to  him, why he hurt  him, why he cherished some children and gave them wonderful childhoods… why he couldn’t do the same for him.255a31428d9c7d89

He was scared. He wanted to hide.8e9b974aa4fd2292

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He moved his b5c298b971 feet again. Somewhere else, not d0b19568ad toward the riverside ad9601caae where Hurston was. He ran 9acdb80b73 desperately as 4ce11b37a6 if fleeing 1c16216f9f from the 18192e15c7 past, from b444898616 the ghost. He was 3687ce5770 seized by e7c79bd6be the illusion 5517e700a8 that if 506321f559 he stopped 710011e332 his feet 05e626133f even slightly, 78429915e7 Hurston would 4af87bf40d grab his 9709cd5006 neck and b16725f455 slam him d7ecf60a68 to the 5ff7309cb2 ground.a99d1e0f1476e60f

It hurts, Mr. Hurston, please stop.85f228566fda16bb

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To Hurston, who appeared e9e62dc4a3 to others as such f9729c2405 a good guardian, Amber e032543ed1 had to beg every 1a43c27bb6 night.2e0e07757d6efa9d

Mr. Hurston, it hurts, b3b03b91f7 it hurts! Please let me go.6201d780de8e2263

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Dawn broke. Only after discovering the 1924a0d06e rising sun did Amber, 5916a7046e who was breathing urgently 23a9101b94 as if his head 4a3aff1003 would burst, stop his 10a05598da feet. Blue and 694fd9f073 red light a17f6ebd00 leaked through 1de44f815c the forest 5bf60e4be8 of buildings.c014027aaf530222

Looking now, one 7583e6826c of his shoes 7c1e870905 was missing. His left foot, b00cbd92fb missing its shoe, 2bf94f63d1 was covered in 43fd1fc5e4 blood and missing 993874ed77 toenails. Unable to 172838125a properly catch 142e7e1743 his breath, 935f8441b6 Amber clutched b346f1e4f7 his head. He collapsed down and 8248d78f2d buried his face in 6b34cedddd his knees. Each breath stabbed 910026e010 at his chest.90efdee1eac50943

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‘Amber, Amber.’acef9a260088afaf

Hurston called him as c832a19787 if singing.0c734794d96f7a33

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‘Do you know how ambers are made?’d8f1b8a53669d733

Hurston approached the sobbing Amber. He tapped Amber’s head with his index finger. Look here.It was that 94053ccb50 kind of command. When Amber, ee184e924f who had e47cb76591 been crying, af926d457f barely raised 0a13868d19 his head, 22cd5ec805 Hurston showed e7944003bd a benevolent bb9f0ac73c smile.39e4671698c834b5

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‘Trees release something called resin. As that resin gradually hardens, it’s called copal. When that hardens over a long time, we call it amber. For amber to form, it needs tremendous pressure. It also needs a long time. But, before that, Amber, the resin must come out first. That’s very important.’f5be4aa26d663d85

Hurston grabbed Amber’s shoulders and lifted him up in one motion. Agh! Though Amber screamed at the sharp pain in his shoulders, Hurston continued speaking as if he hadn’t heard.d3e9cf4e36b20915

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‘For that to happen, you need to wound the tree.’034111f2961bc0c2

He would 47fbe3fbd1 say things 8460aecca7 like this.1e84c0997c5b4541

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‘Remember, Amber, I’m not causing you pain without reason. It’s all to draw out the gem within you.’31134904ed3c11a2

“Please don’t…”aaef6175bb14e8d4

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“Are you okay?”9de7978174636d45

Amber closed his eyes and covered his ears. The rising sun stung his eyes. Amber lowered his head and didn’t listen. He felt like an ant burning helplessly under a lens.742ff97e240d8237

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God tortured Amber f30a7d33dd without any guilt.29ba7cc00ca8b3d2

There is no perfect innocence. How certain can you be that you didn’t bring this upon yourself at all? If it wasn’t your fault, why were you the only one who suffered so much among all those children?fabbdcb2880986f2

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“Are you okay? Oh my god.”c809a46b34a3a0f9

Footsteps approached. Amber curled up as 5ff2eabf51 if protecting himself.98dbaa45daba1bf2

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Get it together, 1fbb1153c7 Amber. Ryker, get it together.1b552576157a371e

“Paul! Come here, someone’s here.”705078adb59fcd7d

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Footsteps approached like 1d1fd84da2 gunshots. Amber bit his lips e692b2f6da while tensing his entire 745960b4ff body.8c498abeaed3da5e

“Look at this sweat, should we call the police?”850f9ce3aeb25c28

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“911, we need to call 911.”87f3f47307163963

Urgent footsteps echoed. Amber couldn’t open his eyes.a7e9637b7127e5d1

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No, Mr. Hurston. It hurts 6d0d372091 too much.f329da398ec7f89c

582538a0af6b3583

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