AA Chapter 5 || Reunion

Chicago O’Hare Airport felt exhausting every single time he was there. The building’s interior was all grimy white, the corridors stretched endlessly, and people moved in groups, bustling about, occasionally bumping Tennessee’s shoulder as he passed. They did say ‘excuse me,’ but hearing that after not sleeping for three days tends to be rather irritating.

In the vast American land, Tennessee chose Chicago. One of the top 5 security companies, a multinational security firm, had its headquarters here.

The connection was made in Tehran. A man who introduced himself as a team leader extended his hand for a handshake. His first words were,

“So you must be Tennessee.”

He showed great interest in Tennessee’s unique background.

“I hope you think about it positively.”

What the man handed over was a business card. At that time, Tennessee didn’t feel the need to cut ties with the FBI. The conditions weren’t particularly bad either. He was paid regularly, and unlike the military, there was a certain degree of autonomy guaranteed.

When Tennessee was deployed, there were many stupid higher-ups. They made orders without knowing a single thing, and they were all stubborn, causing him to feel annoyed every day. It wasn’t just once or twice that he felt the urge to blow their stupid heads off.

Though both the military and FBI had their own systems, at least there was some communication with the FBI. Nevertheless, Tennessee ultimately quit because he was tired and fed up.

Under the dark night sky, his insomnia worsened every time he reflected on the day. The smell of cigarettes wouldn’t fade from between his fingers.

From the moment ‘Fuck’ is not the first thing that comes to mind after putting a bullet in a child’s forehead and instead it’s ‘Got him’, one begins to strangely twist.

Even during missions, children and women were often used as weapons. They were less watched compared to adult men, and their characteristically loose clothing made it easy to hide weapons.

At that time, the line between good and evil was pretty clear for Tennessee. But at a point where, if you don’t shoot immediately, there might be heavy casualties among friendly forces, when you can’t exactly gauge whether it’s a bomb or a Quran what they’re holding in their arms?

He used to believe he was killing only those with evil intentions. However, at some point, he couldn’t be certain anymore. Their eyes seemed truly innocent, and their hearts even more so. What if he believed he saw the wires of an IED¹, but actually wasn’t?

After the number of people he killed exceeded three digits, Tennessee stopped checking the bodies. He didn’t have the courage to search their possessions to confirm whether it was a Quran or an IED. If he got aware of making even one mistake, all his values and beliefs would have been shaken.

He remained composed, but thought he might go crazy at any moment. It felt like he was in the eye of a storm. Though it was calm, there was clearly a storm raging around, sweeping everything away. It got worse after he started hearing non-existent gunshots.

The past had faded after returning to America, but it was revived when he became involved with the FBI. It grew even stronger, swelling up and roaring.

In the past, most of his kills were by bullet. Though he occasionally got his hands dirty, it was mainly bullets. The distance between the gun barrel and the corpse was the same distance Tennessee could push himself away from it all. After all, he hadn’t grabbed all those people and thrust knives into their writhing necks.

But working for the FBI was different. Guns were half for self-defense.

When Caylen asked why he was thinking of quitting, and Tennessee gave his answer, Caylen countered, “It’s not like you’ve only been stabbing for a day or two.”

Tennessee nodded.

“You’re right.”

He put out the cigarette that was already burning down to the filter end.

“Whether it’s a gun or a knife, there isn’t much difference. It doesn’t make the guilt any less or more.”

It’s just a difference in sensation. Washing hands stained with blood, having the minor inconvenience of blood crusts under your fingernails that won’t wash away easily…

“But it irritates me that I don’t know the people I’m killing.”

After working with the FBI, Tennessee was reminded of why he left the military.

“I need to quit this job. Having blood on my hands without knowing why I need to get them bloody makes you feel like shit.”

What Caylen said when first proposing the job was right. This was security work. If you consider security as getting rid of threats before they appear, that is.

“Got any place in mind?”

“Someone has contacted me.”

Tennessee now wanted to do proper work. If he had to get blood on his hands, he wanted to have a solid justification for it. He wanted to make someone clean by getting dirty himself. If it weren’t for Amber, he’d have never realized these feelings.

That’s how Tennessee came to Chicago. After adjusting to the time difference and finishing his work, he planned to go to Michigan to meet the child.

However, Tennessee’s plans went awry in just one day. All because of a certain someone standing right in front of him when he answered a knock at the door.

“…Amber?”

“Tennessee.”

It really was Amber. At least two spans taller.

If Tennessee had been a few years later, he wouldn’t have recognized Amber. The change was significant enough to make him think it was fortunate he saw him now. Part of why Tennessee didn’t immediately recognize Amber was also due to his demeanor.

Amber had worn chronic unhappiness, resignation, and pessimism like medals. Even at that young age, he was familiar with viewing his circumstances with bitter irony.

No, the word ‘child’ no longer suited Amber.

“…How did you know where to find me?”

“Is that what you should be saying to me right now?”

Amber was clearly angry. However, unlike before, there was no sign of him being as frustrated as before, unable to contain his anger. Amber was quietly angry, and that alone made Tennessee realize how much he had grown.

“…Why didn’t you tell me?”

Tennessee massaged his temples due to his throbbing headache. He hadn’t told Amber about his return to the country yet, let alone revealed his address, so he hadn’t expected him to suddenly show up.

“You said you’d come in 2 years, but you didn’t show up even after 3 years… why didn’t you tell me…?”

As Tennessee was about to speak, he noticed Amber’s simple attire. He didn’t even have proper clothes, let alone luggage. In this season, this weather, at this late hour, he wasn’t even wearing a proper jacket.

“How did you get here?”

“Is that important right now?”

“Did you drive here? What about David and Elizabeth?”

It was at least a 4 hour drive from Michigan, where Amber lived, to Chicago. Moreover, since Amber was still 15, he had a number of restrictions on driving.. A guardian had to be present while driving, and he wasn’t supposed to drive after certain hours.

Seeming aware that he’d done wrong, Amber’s words trailed off.

“…At home.”

“You drove here alone? From Michigan to Chicago?”

“…I really wanted to talk face to face. I’m sorry if I’m disturbing you.”

“That’s not the issue.”

Tennessee rubbed his stiff eyes, having gone without sleep for so long. After several days of sleep deprivation, his mental processing was getting slower.

“You came with just car keys and nothing else?”

“I brought cash too, just in case.”

Amber pulled out several twenty-dollar bills and a few quarters from his pocket.

“So at this late hour, without thinking…”

He could hear the irritation gradually building in his own voice. Partly because of lack of sleep, and partly because Amber didn’t seem to have considered what Tennessee would feel if anything happened to him.

“So stupidly…! What if you’d run into a robber?”

But Amber, who he thought would hesitate, pulled something else from his pocket.

“Because I… brought a gun.”

“A gun? Whose is it?”

“David’s…”

Tennessee furrowed his brow. Having his first meeting in almost 3 years become this messy wasn’t pleasant for him either, but suddenly he had many calls to make.

“You told me before that if I was going to run away, I should take everything.”

“That was meant for me, to take everything from me.”

He never expected him to take his foster parents’ cash and gun and come all the way to Chicago without a plan.

“Do that one more time and I’m going to set your ass on fire.”

Growling, Tennessee pulled Amber inside. How was David managing his firearms that a fifteen year old boy had a revolver in his hands?

It was an unfortunately common occurrence in America, and Tennessee, who had put a gun in Amber’s hands himself, wasn’t in a position to comment, but he pulled out his phone with irritation.

“…I’m sorry. I just came to ask something though. I’ll go back after I get the answer.”

Tennessee, sitting on the bed, ran his hand through his hair.

Amber sat quietly waiting for him with a face that suggested he had many things to say after three years.

“Come to bed, don’t go back.”

“…What?”

David answered the phone immediately.

“This is Tennessee.”

[Oh, goodness, Tennessee, please tell me Ryker is there.]

David spoke quickly, and Elizabeth’s voice could be heard behind him. The other end of the line was very busy. Tennessee explained the situation concisely. They were greatly relieved.

It seemed Amber had gotten very angry and left immediately after getting Tennessee’s address.

[I’m sorry, Tennessee. I thought Ryker would be happy if I told him in advance. When he asked how I knew, I had no choice but to tell him truthfully that we occasionally exchanged emails.]

He could understand both David and Amber.

“It’s understandable that he’d be angry since I left for three years without giving him a contact number to call.”

Making eye contact with Amber sitting beside him, Tennessee quickly ended the conversation. Elizabeth was worried and wanted to come to Chicago immediately, but they agreed that Tennessee would drive him back.

Though he wasn’t sure how Amber had gotten the gun, they clearly didn’t know the revolver was missing. For the sake of their mental health, Tennessee decided to keep quiet about it.

“Sleep here tonight.”

Tennessee got up, giving the bed to Amber. He planned to sleep on the sofa. Amber’s cheeks reddened, seemingly flustered by those words. Tennessee moved to the sofa with a blanket. It was late.

“Let’s talk in three hours.”

Tennessee closed his eyes with those words. Though he could sense Amber fidgeting and hesitating, eventually Amber lay down on Tennessee’s bed.

Despite being at an age of impulsiveness, he didn’t expect him to drive over four hours at once out of anger. With a faint laugh, Tennessee waited for a light sleep.

He was suffering from chronic sleep deprivation. Severe insomnia. In the past, he used to get about three hours of fragmented sleep. The insomnia was terrible, but at least it kept him alive – he would comfort himself that it was better than returning to America as a corpse from Afghanistan.

After leaving America, his insomnia reached its peak. Now, light sleep had become like an occasional special meal for him. And lately, he couldn’t even get those brief moments of rest. Tennessee would spend most of the night trying to fall asleep.

After pushing his body to its limits like that, he would crash and sleep it all off in one day. This cycle of sleep kept repeating. Once he woke up, he couldn’t fall back asleep, but if he didn’t do even that, his head would feel like it was splitting.

Sensing Amber’s presence, Tennessee predicted that he probably wouldn’t sleep today either. It wasn’t that Amber’s presence was uncomfortable, but rather that he was that sensitive to human presence and his insomnia was that severe.

Tennessee.

He thought he heard someone calling his name softly from somewhere.

Strangely, along with his worries about insomnia, Tennessee was instantly pulled into a deep sleep. It felt almost like being dragged to the bottom while having his ankle firmly grabbed like an obsession.

I’ve felt this sensation before, Tennessee thought with a hazy mind. When was it? Was I holding someone who was trembling? I remember the body temperature against my stomach and chest.

‘Tennessee.

I missed you.’

Just as he was about to respond to those faint words, Tennessee opened his eyes.

Something was off. He had surely just closed and opened his eyes for a moment, but everything around him was blazing bright.

“Tennessee.”

Grimacing at the piercing sunlight, Tennessee raised his upper body.

When was the last time his head felt this refreshed? He roughly covered his eyes and looked at the clock. Then he closed his eyes long and opened him again.

Is the clock wrong? That can’t be.

“Are you awake?”

It was a gentle voice. Dazed, which was unlike him,Tennessee looked around. It was the sofa where he had fallen asleep yesterday. The morning sunlight was pouring in.

… Did I sleep for over ten hours? Tennessee rubbed his forehead in disbelief.

However, looking at the scorching sun and scenery, rather than morning, it seemed to be afternoon, so it couldn’t be a dream.

Tennessee slowly got up. Amber had somehow approached his side. He was putting down a bag with the name of a restaurant near the house.

“I was worried because you weren’t waking up.”

Amber’s voice was calm with a faint sense of relief seeping through.

“Here’s the key.”

Tennessee stared blankly at the silver metal dropping onto his palm.

“How did you know where the key was?”

“You told me yourself. When I asked earlier, you told me.”

“…”

To think I talked to him in my sleep. Did I really do that?

Tennessee learned that being faced with too many confusing things could make his head foggy. While rubbing his face, Tennessee then remembered that he had put the key and revolver in the same drawer.

“Did you touch the gun?”

“No.”

“Don’t even go near it.”

“You once told me to shoot it though.”

Muttering quietly, Amber pushed the food towards Tennessee. There were sandwiches and salad with minimal dressing, and water. And opposite to that was a pile of fast food that looked like it could cause cardiovascular disease just from eating it.

“…Elizabeth won’t let me eat it,” he added, seemingly embarrassed. Though it was clear he was hungry given how much food he bought, Amber didn’t move. He was clearly waiting for Tennessee to eat first.

“Eat.”

After getting up, Tennessee checked his missed calls, time, and date again.

“I called Elizabeth. I told her I’d go back late after lunch.”

Washing his face with cold water seemed to wake him up a bit. Tennessee returned to the sofa while roughly pushing back his wet hair.

Seeing Amber again with a clear mind after getting precious sleep, he looked a bit different from yesterday. He seemed to have buried a quiet anger or anxiety.

Tennessee studied Amber’s face as if trying to engrave in his mind how it had changed from his memory.

Except for his hair and eyes, almost everything about Amber’s physical appearance had changed. But his unique boyish charm remained. Tennessee could sense the vitality that appeared through a mix of boldness and resignation, almost like a fragrance.

“I’m glad you’re back and healthy.”

Amber spoke such sincere words to someone this indifferent. Tennessee sat down on the sofa without responding, but Amber smiled widely.

Tennessee and Amber had a peaceful lunch time in the afternoon sunlight.

Amber ate mountains of hamburgers and other food. True to his age of growth, he devoured the food in an instant, yet amazingly it didn’t give any impression of being greedy.

“What?”

Sensing Tennessee’s gaze, Amber, who had been quietly devouring his food, asked embarrassedly.

“Nothing.”

After that, he remained silent throughout lunch. Although it was quiet, there was no awkwardness.

While eating, Tennessee chuckled to himself, finding it comical how generous he was being to Amber after coming here so suddenly like this. Strictly speaking it was an inconvenience, but Tennessee didn’t find Amber uncomfortable or bothersome.

“Didn’t you miss me?”

Amber asked Tennessee, who was drinking water after finishing lunch. It was a question that came after a long silence. Tennessee finished an entire bottle of water but didn’t open his lips. Seeing those lips sealed as firmly as his nature, Amber lowered his gaze.

“Aren’t you curious about me? We haven’t seen each other for almost three years.”

He asked quietly, but Amber was actually burning up inside. His heart was a mess. Half wanting to resent the indifferent Tennessee right now, half wanting to beg him to understand his feelings.

Amber had such contrasting emotions. He wanted to hug Tennessee right away, but also wanted to get angry and leave him forever. Tennessee was always difficult for Amber. Amber smiled bitterly and continued speaking.

“I got a girlfriend.”

Tennessee raised one eyebrow.

“Congratulations. So you weren’t gay.”

It was Tennessee’s version of a joke, but Amber didn’t show even a slight smile.

“That was a lie, actually. I don’t have one,” Amber said. “Tennessee, I think I might be gay.”

Or maybe bisexual? Amber wasn’t sure, to be honest. But since he definitely liked someone of the same sex, at least being gay was certain.

Tennessee’s hand paused as he was opening a second water bottle. Then he drank the water as if nothing had happened.

“I see.”

That was all. Amber felt anger surge up sporadically because of how few words he used. Amber wanted to know everything about him. What he was thinking, how he felt, what he liked and disliked, what he wanted to do going forward, if he had any regrets.

…Just as you are special to me, am I special to you too? Or does the concept of something being special even exist for you?

“Is that all? Aren’t you disappointed?”

“Why would I be? What did your parents say?”

“They support me.”

“You have good parents.”

Strangely, Amber didn’t want to talk about his parents in front of Tennessee. Perhaps it was because it made him more aware of the gap between him. The gap between the independent Tennessee and himself who still needed to hide in a nest made by others.

“When was it?”

Amber looked up as Tennessee asked again.

“When did you realize it, I mean. Or maybe you knew it unconsciously ever since you were young.”

“…There was someone.”

Amber recalled the day he became aware of his feelings for Tennessee. Perhaps as Tennessee said, he might have known unconsciously.

Because when he was aching while waiting for Tennessee’s rare contacts, when he endlessly gazed at his back, when he heard his low voice, none of the emotions in all those moments were surprising.

It might have started as admiration, but he was no longer a child, and it wasn’t difficult to distinguish between admiration and a different feeling.

‘I’m sorry, David.’

‘Ryker…’

Even as he was embraced by David’s arms, who truly loved him as family, a part of Amber’s heart was always empty. He hadn’t let anyone in and no one could enter. Because he knew who occupied that part.

There had never been a moment when he waited for Tennessee’s call more than then. Amber wanted to ask Tennessee tens of thousands of questions. He was so lost and confused.

Maybe it was like imprinting. Is love supposed to be like this? Amber wondered to himself.**

There’s no hope in sight, so shouldn’t I live on, forgetting him, instead of tearing open this festering wound? Just like everyone else does.

Even though Amber couldn’t imagine Tennessee returning his feelings at all, he couldn’t find another reality.

It was more like imprinting. He thought that once it took root in a moment of carelessness, it might crumble if pulled out.

Checking the time, Tennessee told Amber to get ready to leave. It was a signal that the conversation was over. Amber nodded.

After coming out from his shower, Tennessee looked at Amber and nodded towards the bathroom. It meant it was his turn to go wash up.

Tennessee planned to sit only briefly while waiting for Amber. Just very briefly. His body felt strangely languid. Tennessee closed his eyes while leaning against the sofa backrest.

He had dozed off in that state. Cold skin touched the back of his hand, as if he had washed in cold water. Tennessee opened his eyes, trying to fight off the sudden wave of sleepiness. It was Amber.

“Are you sleepy, Tennessee?”

“A little.”

“Then sleep. I’ll talk to Elizabeth again. It’s not even late yet.”

Tennessee looked at the clock. Though he had felt drowsy during the afternoon, Tennessee had never taken naps. He had briefly closed his eyes as he was suffering from sleep deprivation, but that was closer to his body collapsing from overwork rather than a nap.

He shouldn’t have been very sleepy today since he wasn’t originally a person who needed much sleep. However, strangely, sleep came washing over him like waves. At first it was mild drowsiness, but the more he tried to fight it, the stronger the force pulling him became. It felt like being caught in quicksand.

Tennessee slowly closed his eyes while leaning against the backrest.

Sleep well. With those words, he thought he caught a whiff of some scent. Even though you’ve grown so much, your unique smell hasn’t changed. Tennessee sank into sleep with such thoughts.

Tennessee’s eyes snapped open at a sudden car horn. The horn blared several times before quieting down. Though the commotion was brief, Tennessee was already awake.

It felt like he had caught up on a week’s worth of sleep. With a clear head, Tennessee blinked a couple of times. Though he had surely been sitting, somehow he was lying on the sofa like last night.

Without getting up, he just turned his head and could see Amber sitting across from him. He was reading something while sitting on the couch. Amber looked up, sensing Tennessee’s presence. Blue eyes met his.

“Hi, Tennessee.”

Amber greeted him. While keeping his gaze on Amber, Tennessee smiled slightly.

“Hi, Amber.”

Tennessee finally felt the reality of their reunion. It had been 3 years.