AA Chapter 10.1 || Trigger

Amber thought Tennessee should be the one getting angry instead. He should have demanded why no one called or helped him. He should have confronted him about whether he was enjoying his misfortune.

Biting his lip, Amber closed his eyes. He could feel Tennessee’s breath gradually becoming quieter. He should have gotten up right away. He should have called someone, but…

His forehead touched the wet forehead. The sorrow dissipated. He held him and steadied his breath as if in prayer. He was committing a sin. In front of Tennessee, he was always committing sins. At that thought, Amber let out a small, bitter laugh.

Amber guided Tennessee’s limp hand to wrap around his neck. He wanted to warm up those cold hands, even if just a little. Amber slowly opened his eyes.

Tennessee, whom he thought had fallen asleep as his breathing had settled, had his eyes slightly open. Those eyes lacked his usual determination.

“Sleep. It’s late.”

Amber said that. But instead of closing his eyes, Tennessee pulled his hand away from Amber’s grip. Amber smiled bitterly. It was brave enough of him to allow even this much contact. Wasn’t he someone who couldn’t usually be approached in the first place?

I should get up now. Just as Amber was about to put strength in his arms.

Tennessee’s gaze slowly rose up. His gaze, which had been at Amber’s chest, now reached his chin, nose, and finally met Amber’s blue eyes. His exhale subsided.

Before he could even realize it, Amber moistened his lips. Tennessee was too close. The awareness that he should move his body back flashed through his mind, but that was all. Tennessee came even closer. Along with the vague thought that it might be the other way around, Amber blinked quickly.

Lips. If only he could touch just once. Just as Amber was secretly wishing for it.

Bang, Amber vaguely thought it was like his head was exploding. As if someone had put a gun to his forehead and finally pulled the trigger.

Tennessee’s lips were surprisingly warm. Different from the previous kiss. Warm and wet lips pressed firmly against his. Unlike his usually tightly closed lips, these lips that were hot collided with his.

Tennessee’s lips softly relaxed. The connected lips parted like a key turning. Trembling slightly, Amber hastily swallowed. It didn’t matter if he looked pathetic or miserable. With life-giving water flowing into his parched mouth, what did pride matter now?

Alternating between biting and soothing his upper and lower lips, Amber’s tongue swept over them. Tennessee’s lips parted freely wherever the tongue made its path. He caught the hot breath from inside his mouth. A heated moan escaped naturally. While putting reins on himself who wanted to move roughly, Amber urgently pulled Tennessee closer. He didn’t want to startle him, but even as he gripped Tennessee’s trembling hand tightly, Amber was losing his mind.

You are nothing to him.

A small whisper reached Amber’s ear as he panted.

No matter how hard you try, he won’t even get hurt right now. He’s not keeping you close because he likes you. He just can’t be bothered to push you away.

Frantically touching him, Amber shook off these foolish thoughts. It was Tennessee who was intertwining his tongue with his. Ah. How could one not love him?

“…Amber.”

Breathing heavily, Amber pulled his lips away. Even as he withdrew, he sucked on Tennessee’s lower lip until the end. He was aware that his movements were harsh, but he couldn’t stop.

“Yes. I’m here.”

As if enchanted, Amber moved his lips while repeating those words. He gently bit and pulled the lower lip, then captured the upper lip, and mischievously pushed his tongue back between the parted lips. His chest began to ache.

“I’m here…”

The tongue that had been following his movements, albeit slightly, just moments ago was now quiet. Amber gently parted his lips again, like knocking on a door. Though he desperately tried to elicit a response from Tennessee, there was none.

When he pulled back his head with trembling breaths, what Amber discovered was Tennessee sleeping soundly with his eyes closed. Amber let out an overwhelming sigh.

This shouldn’t have happened.

Even if Tennessee had initiated it, he wasn’t in a rational state. Amber should have pushed him away.

But he pulled out the excuse that it had been beyond his control. While listening to his own voice making excuses, Amber pulled Tennessee tightly into his arms. Putting all his strength into his arms and stroking Tennessee’s back of the head, he rubbed his forehead against his again.

It was a trembling moment. His still racing heartbeat drummed blood to the tips of his toes. Even in this pleasant euphoria, Amber reminded himself,

This is the last time. This shouldn’t happen again.

Another secret had been added to the pile.

I’ll confess and ask for forgiveness later. If Tennessee does this again next time, then I’ll have to step back even if I have to hit myself.

But Amber ultimately couldn’t do it. It was obvious.

“Ungh…”

It was the second kiss. The first time, he had been too flustered to react, but now he was fully hard. His front was already wet. Putting strength into his hips that wanted to move, Amber moved his tongue gently. While biting the twitching thick lower lip, he savored his breath with all his might.

“Ah… Tennessee.”

Unlike usual, unfocused, hazy eyes responded. Even during episodes, when it came time to calm down, Tennessee gradually responded to Amber. He answered when called, and occasionally nodded to the soothing words. Though there were more times when he didn’t respond, Amber didn’t give up.

‘No, you’re not hurt.’

Amber whispered again to Tennessee, who was groaning, while grabbing his shoulders. Tennessee always made Amber’s heart melt. Even while moaning through his teeth and grabbing his shoulders, Tennessee never once said it hurt. He only endured. Amber’s eyes twisted.

‘Look.’

Amber slipped his hand inside Tennessee’s loose hospital clothes and stroked his bare shoulder. He gently caressed the skin covering firm bones and muscles, then showed his palm with nothing on it.

‘It’s okay. You’re not hurt.’

There was no response from Tennessee.

He wanted to stretch those tightly bound arms and explore the tender flesh. Seeing his nails turn blue and rot from the poison embedded in him reminded Amber of desert scorpions. The desolate ruins, the dry sandstorms, the creatures born to never become scorpions.

It was dizzying. Only after tumbling down the sand dune did he realize the horizon had no end.

Tennessee, who had been breathing with his face buried in his palms, lifted his head at some point. Then he kissed. Amber pulled him close with rapid breaths.

It would be a lie to say he hadn’t expected this moment at all.

Even while thinking he should push him away, Amber couldn’t resist much. He moaned helplessly. Tennessee was hot and soft and at the same time absolute. Amber felt himself being dyed by him. It felt like he would spread brightly like paint and become one with Tennessee, being born as a new color.

“Ah… Haa…”

Tennessee’s hot hand stroked his nape, then naturally trailed down his spine to his ass. The movement was deliberate but not rough. However, when Tennessee’s large hand gripped his ass, Amber let out a low moan. The ends of all his nerves crackled and burned. Struggling, he was swept into a whirlpool.

Sweatpants were truly a worthless barrier. With just a slight change in the direction of his palm, Tennessee easily slipped his hand inside the waistband. A warning sound rang in one corner of his mind, but Amber couldn’t come to his senses and pushed his tongue in. Tennessee wasn’t in his right mind. Amber knew Tennessee might not even realize who he was touching, but that thought soon evaporated.

Hot breaths burst out while his tongues were entwined to the root. The pants were already down below the hip bone. Tennessee’s hands roamed over his ass and thighs. His fingers slid down the damp, tight space inside his thighs.

“Ah.”

Amber opened his eyes as Tennessee’s fingertips touched a scar.He grabbed Tennessee’s wrist, feeling the firm bone, but Tennessee pushed his hand in further, as if protesting.

Though he enjoyed the contact, the awkwardness of being discovered right away was greater.

“Tennessee, no.”

Without his usual clarity, Tennessee repeatedly opened and closed his eyes drowsily.

“Tennessee.”

History tends to repeat itself. Their history was no different. Amber, anxiously biting his lips, unable to resist his passion, pressed his lips against his. The rising pulse, the frantic movements. As Amber climbed on top of Tennessee and their legs tangled, a small curse reached Amber’s ears.

“…Damn it.”

That was Tennessee’s first word upon seeing Amber’s trembling hands.

“…Tennessee.”

Seeing the clearly shining eyes, Amber slowly raised his body.

“You…”

As if his head hurt, Tennessee repeatedly wiped his forehead with the arm that had been on the pillow.

“What did I do to you…”

Then, realizing his hand was between Amber’s thighs, Tennessee cursed and tried to pull his hand away.

“Wait, you—”

At that moment, Tennessee’s fingertips brushed against something on Amber’s skin. Feeling something foreign, Tennessee furrowed his brow. Sitting up, he looked again at the something drawn on the skin below Amber’s thigh. The sensation under his fingertips, something carved multiple times like the strings of an instrument.

“S-Stop.”

“Amber, what’s this?”

“…Nothing.”

A power struggle began. Amber firmly pushed Tennessee away with all his strength. Their arms tangled as he collided, and in an instant, their positions were reversed. The water bottle on the nightstand fell, and the sound of heavy breathing filled the room. A silent battle of wills and strength ensued.

“…It’s nothing.”

“Did you self-harm?”

“…No.”

No? The trace of mercy disappeared from Tennessee’s movements as he frowned. As if his previous struggle had been child’s play, Tennessee instantly subdued Amber, who was larger in build than him.

Breathing heavily, Tennessee, his face terrifyingly intense, properly pinned Amber down, who was trying to resist. In one swift motion, he pulled down Amber’s pants and directly confirmed what his fingertips had touched.

“These are self-harm scars.”

“No.”

“These are clearly cut scars.”

“No…”

“Look at me with your own eyes and say it! You know it well yourself! If these aren’t self-harm cuts, then what are they?!”

“Why do you think I did it!?”

Unable to hold back, outrage burst from Amber’s throat.

What burst from his throat wasn’t simple anger and passion. It was the wounds and love-hate that he had let fester until he burst.

Finally, he dredged up the anger that had stained the core of his being.

Why did you do it? Why did you leave me?

“You said you wouldn’t abandon me, that you’d tell me before leaving! You acted so high and mighty, but look what you did!”

After reassuring me with such words.

“Have you ever imagined how I felt when you disappeared? I thought about dying, wondering if that would make you come looking for me, and even as I told myself not to have such stupid thoughts, I kept breaking down…”

“I didn’t leave…”

Tennessee had never imagined it. He let out a sigh like a deep regret. He knew it had become a wound, but he hadn’t known that it would destroy something in Amber, that it would lead to Amber destroying a part of himself, treating pieces of himself as worthless and discarding them.

Among the scars beneath his fingertips were fresh wounds that had just begun to heal. Wounds that were newly opened, reeking of blood.

“Did you think it was over? Did you think I’d stop crying just because you gave me candy?”

Amber roughly pushed away Tennessee’s hand that had touched the wound.

“How long are you going to see me as just a dog picking up whatever attention you throw my way?”

“…I never saw you that way.”

You always leave me.

Even when he melts with sweet words, he never steps outside the line he’s drawn for himself. Not for anyone.

“You lied to me… Damn it, you tortured me with false hope. …Do you know how much it hurt?”

The violently trembling voice subsides. Amber tried to steady his breathing with his face buried in his palms. His lungs, painfully trembling and greatly swollen, repeatedly constricted and relaxed.

“You’re sweet. But I’m in so much pain. You make me hate you. That’s what hurts the most.”

Tears rolled down his chin. Amber dropped his head while roughly wiping him away.

He was sick of his running away now.

Someday, I’ll shackle his ankles and lock him up. I’ll stuff him into a small cage. Someday, someday.

“Then why didn’t you look for me? You sent letters, didn’t you?If you were going to self-harm and live like this instead of living properly, you should have come to find me!”

Tennessee pressed, asking if he didn’t know where he worked. He had just sold his house and moved to England, not changed his identity or hidden. He could have completely disappeared if he wanted, but he didn’t.

From Tennessee’s perspective, he hadn’t disappeared. He just hadn’t made contact. If Amber wanted to, even if Elizabeth and David had wanted to, he could have contacted him. That was Tennessee’s excuse. That he had just not contacted him first, but he had been there all along.

But it was different for Amber.

“If I did that,”

Why didn’t I come find you? What a horrifically cruel question. Why does he think I haven’t done that?

“If we really had to say goodbye, how would I live…?”

He had thought about it dozens, hundreds of times. Imagining meeting him. And when he finally faced each ot him, without a single exception, the Tennessee in his imagination would always say,

‘Goodbye, Amber.’

“Tell me, if I had thrown everything away right then and gone to England to knock on your door… Would you have let me in?”

“…No. You’re right, I wouldn’t have.”

Amber shook his head, cutting off Tennessee who was about to continue.

It had truly been a cruel two years. A moment he never wanted to experience again. But the torture of false hope was better than a clear farewell.

Amber suppressed all of it, not bringing it up or unfolding it. He thought Tennessee would never understand anyway.

“You’ve been having episodes recently. I tried to comfort you, but it didn’t work well, and when you lost consciousness, we kissed for the first time.”

There was no energy left to wipe away tears. Amber moved his lips mockingly while showing his tears that rolled down his cheeks without restraint.

“This was the second time. I’m sorry for not telling you beforehand. For not being able to refuse even though I knew you weren’t in your right mind, Tennessee…”

Now, run away.

He couldn’t tell anymore. Amber ran his hand through his hair with trembling breaths. Then he smiled bitterly as he recalled how he had developed such a habit. After staring at the floor dotted with fallen tears, he wiped his face carelessly.

“Or should I be the one to leave?”

Tennessee’s gaze watching Amber rise from his seat was desolate. It seemed like he could hear waves crashing somewhere.

Tennessee never talked about himself, but at the hospital, he would occasionally share various stories. From his brief time as a mercenary, to the difficulties of hiding for three days to kill a corrupt politician, snowy Austria, Monte Carlo Casino in Monaco, blood, bullets… His life.

‘Why do you hate morphine so much?’

Drinking coffee instead of smoking, Tennessee shrugged. But Amber already knew well that if he just quietly watched without pressing, he would share more stories.

‘I was an addict.’

‘Your mother?’

‘No, me.’

It was his first time hearing this.

‘For people who come from places without a good base like me, that’s where the difference starts. We don’t even know if drugs are bad.’

When addiction is common around you, your sense of its evil becomes dulled first.

‘Have you ever thought that? That your life is already ruined, so what does it matter?’

Amber smiled bitterly.

Even while knowing the horrors of drugs, you can’t fully grasp their harm, severity, or the implications for your future.

‘Can I ask what kind of drug you were addicted to?’

‘Cocaine.’

‘Tennessee…’

It was obvious where he got that kind of money without asking. He must have stolen or done dirty work in exchange for drugs. It was common among marginalized, neglected people like Tennessee.

‘That’s not good for you, it’s really not good for your body.’ Tennessee nodded at Amber’s words. Tennessee smiled as he carelessly messed up his black hair on the white bed sheets.

‘I feel like I might go back to it if I’m not careful.’

Tennessee’s gaze turned to the IV drip falling drop by drop.

‘I’m an addict by nature.’

‘Don’t say that.’

‘I can’t quit anything completely. I thought getting addicted to nicotine was better than doing that again.’

For someone who said that, Tennessee was doing well in the hospital room without a single cigarette. He didn’t shake, get anxious, or suddenly burst into anger. In Amber’s eyes, Tennessee was a prisoner who had shackled himself by birth. Though one couldn’t say no one else had put those shackles on him.

“…Those hands, I did that, didn’t I?”

The quiet question cut through Amber’s memories. Tennessee was pointing at both of Amber’s hands.

“I’m fine.”

“I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“I know.”

“…I didn’t want to hurt you, of all people.”

“I know that too.”

As Tennessee’s mouth slowly opened, Amber’s sharp words cut in.

“But I’d rather get hurt by your side than be in pain like last time. You know that, don’t you? Or is your head not working that well to understand even that?”

“…Amber.”

“Shut up.”

The tears that had subsided flowed again. His chest ached.

“What should I do?”

“I just forcibly kissed you.”

Amber thought it was the opposite. Tennessee was out of his mind, and at the very least, he could have pushed him away. He had just chosen the cowardly option. Once again, he was trapped in the dark. Amber walked aimlessly toward something dim.

“You can hit me. You can hurt me.”

Pain from you would be sweet.

Just like those short days had been.

In the stiff and dead interior of the car, Tennessee would occasionally leave the window open even though he rarely let his voice be heard.

The blue wind blew in, seeping through each strand of hair. Tangling with the wind, falling into the endless wheat field stretching far away. Like a meteor crossing between two contrasting colors – the golden wheat field and blue sky – he reached out his hand.

He could clearly see the hummed melody seeping into Tennessee’s ear. Like a ship’s path, this strange sense of calm remained for a long time, and perhaps others walking this path could also unfold their memories.

‘Want to take a break?’

‘What?’

‘If you want to play, let’s take a break.’

Tennessee had willingly turned the car onto an unpaved road. He stubbed out his cigarette and opened the window. The scenery had a smell, and its scent settled in his mind like a treasure from the deep sea.

“Amber.”

He loved his voice. It was a name he had never liked before, but the moment his red lips touched and the final syllable popped like a bubble, he liked it. The moment he said it, the emotions contained in the name disappeared, and only himself remained floating. Without nightmares or past stench, without any implications, becoming Tennessee’s person alone.

“I won’t ask you to accept me anymore. I won’t torment you. Just promise me this.”

“Say it.”

“Next time you abandon me, promise to let me know then.”

He just needed to keep a loaded gun ready to use anytime. At least the pain would end with the gunshot.

“Tell me clearly, that you’re leaving me, that you’ll never come back, words like that. When that time comes.”

Actually, he was still scared. He would rather endure the horrible torture of hope a hundred times more than not seeing Tennessee again. But the reason he said this was a kind of declaration. It meant, ‘when you leave, take my life with you.’

He swallowed Tennessee’s answering words with his lips. Amber’s movements, like waves, were close to begging. When his tear-stained cheek approached, and their noses barely touched before their lips finally met, Tennessee didn’t refuse.

Is it pity? Amber considered the possibility as he pressed against those sweet lips.

He wasn’t sure. Tennessee was someone who didn’t know pity, but he always made exceptions for him. Perhaps his nature of being generous only to him was cheap enough to allow even this.

As long as it wasn’t rejection, it was acceptance. At least in Tennessee’s case. Without reason, Amber was simply happy about that. Unfortunately, he was happy even if it was just cheap pity.

After separating their lips, Amber raised his eyes while his mind was a mess, unable to even attempt to untangle his thoughts.

“Why didn’t you refuse?”

“…”

“Is this pity too?”

“I don’t know.”

It was the first impulsive thing Tennessee had said in a long time, and it was an emotionally charged decision, but he wasn’t about to take it back.

“Then do it once more.”

Tennessee closed his eyes as Amber pulled his neck closer. A warm sensation pressed heavily against his lips. Tennessee expected Amber’s lips to touch briefly like a greeting and pull away, but surprisingly, Amber naturally parted his lips.

Amber urgently sought him out, tracing Tennessee’s strong jawline with his fingertips. Amber, with his unfocused eyes, let out a small moan.

“Ah…”

His breath scattered like mist.

“Reject me if you don’t like it.”

Veins protruded on Amber’s arm, which was firmly rooted like prison bars beside Tennessee. Amber warned in a low voice. His voice was hurried, cornered and lacked composure. The tear stains still remaining on his firmly set jaw entered Tennessee’s view.

Like a predator who had shed his boyhood in an instant, even when showing weakness, Amber didn’t have the immaturity typical of those his age. Perhaps that’s what maturity is. Even if acting like a child at the moment, it feels like merely a surface facade rather than the essence.

Under Tennessee’s silent permission, Amber moved his upper body and quickly mounted on top of him.

“Hurry and reject me.”

What are you trying to do to me again?

With such thoughts and confusion, Amber scrutinized Tennessee as if dissecting him. Urgently yet desperately, as if it was a treasure hunt where Tennessee had hidden something at the corner of his mouth, the bridge of his nose, earlobe, and inside his elbow.

Moistening his lips with his tongue, Amber waited for Tennessee’s rejection. When the moment that felt only long passed, Amber sensed his permission.

Lowering his lips, he caressed his cheek. Before he knew it, breathing heavily, Amber pressed his entire body against him. It was closer to pleading than lust. He had always wanted to be connected with Tennessee like this. He only wanted to communicate with him, empathize with him, share with him.

Breathing heavily and frantically, he pushed his tongue in. Amber was so out of his mind that he had the somewhat foolish thought that it felt like his skull had opened and his reddened brain was dripping out.

And for good reason, Tennessee not only silently permitted him but also quietly parted his lips and then moved his tongue, even matching Amber’s clumsy movements.

As if soothing Amber who was crashing in roughly while breathing harshly, Tennessee sucked on the fullest part of Amber’s lips with subtle movements. Amber’s waist jerked greatly. Amber, his breathing becoming rougher, barely managed to overcome the crisis of almost losing strength in his arms. His uncertain hands went down to Tennessee’s broad shoulders and then entered his hospital gown. Tennessee’s entire body was radiating heat.

When their hot bodies pressed and the upper bodies rubbed together, Tennessee turned his head to avoid the lips.

“Are you teasing me?”

“…It’s late. Go to sleep.”

“Tennessee.”

Pulling back his firmly erect penis, Amber wiped his wet lips. Sweet. From Amber, who licked his red lips provocatively with his tongue out, oozed a sensual allure.

“I told you to reject me earlier.”

“So I did.”

“It’s already too late.”

Amber had never seen Tennessee this disheveled before. Not drowsy from sleep or tired from fatigue, but Tennessee with swollen red lips and half-exposed bare shoulders. Tennessee who had become so disheveled and let down his guard because of him. That fact drove Amber even crazier.

“Don’t think about anything and just sleep.”

Or leave.

Tennessee spoke coldly and turned his back. Recalling what he had done made his mind complicated, so it was easier to not think about it at all. Just as he wiped his lips and adjusted his position…

“Hnh…”

A hot body touched his back. He thought Amber might hug him, but that wasn’t it. Amber’s hot breath fell directly onto the exposed nape of his neck. It felt like the heat would transfer all the way here.

“Haa… Tennessee.”

Along with the sound of blankets, wet noises soon began to mix in.

“…You.”

Him being embarrassed was also rare. When Tennessee turned around, what he faced was Amber touching his threateningly erect cock.

“Tennessee, look… ha, look here.”

Does he have no shame…!

Feeling his ears suddenly burning up, Tennessee tried to get up, but Amber pressed against him, telling him not to.

“Hnn… It feels good.”

While saying this, Amber put more strength into his moving arm. Biting his lips hard, Amber looked this way. Tennessee repeatedly rubbed his face.

“Haa… Tennessee, here. Look here.”

In front of Tennessee, who was leaning against the bed headboard, Amber spread his previously kneeling knees. His intimate area and menacingly erect member that Tennessee had never even thought about before were completely exposed.

Tennessee rubbed his eyes. If there was something Tennessee had seen enough of to be sick of, it was someone being naked. When he was a soldier, he constantly encountered men’s naked bodies. The nuance that the word ‘naked’ carried didn’t resonate with Tennessee at all. To him, it was just people.

That’s why Tennessee wasn’t used to Amber’s fully erect cock lingering in his vision even when he closed his eyes.

Although he seemed like a child just yesterday, Amber’s cock was now frighteningly large and exuded masculinity. The reddish glans was drenched in fluid. It was so big that even though Amber, who had large hands, gripped the shaft, it extended far above his hand. It seemed it couldn’t be fully gripped even with both hands.

“Don’t look away.”

Tennessee, who had been stubbornly covering his eyes, lowered his arm at those words. The previous embarrassment disappeared, and eyes as insensitive as usual met his. Those lifeless eyes. Amber always felt pierced when meeting Tennessee’s eyes. However, he could now read the emotions disguised as composure.

“Haa… Since you won’t help me.”

The more he acted spoiled and put aside his composure, the more honest Tennessee became in return. At least Amber was certain of this. The more he yearned and begged and cried, throwing away his pride and falling to the bottom, the better Tennessee treated him. Like a reward.

The wet friction sounds grew more intense. As his toes curled, Amber exhaled rough breaths.

“Ha, hn- Tennessee…”

“If you’re going to do it, go to the bathroom.”

“No… hnh,”

Tennessee spoke coldly, but Amber wasn’t hurt at all. Tennessee, who turned away saying ‘do as you please’, couldn’t have looked more adorable. Others would completely disagree about Tennessee, the human weapon, but that’s how it was for Amber. His unchanged expressionless face, his attitude that left no room for alternatives.

“Hngh… Ha, ah… Ah!”

Unknowingly letting out a loud voice, Amber covered his lips. Like a tightly pulled string snapping, a moment of pleasure surged up. White fluid droplets fell here and there. Spurt. At that sound, Tennessee’s body momentarily stiffened as if he’d heard thunder.

“Did I surprise you? I’m sorry.”

Although his lips were tightly closed, Amber didn’t miss Tennessee’s slight stiffening.

“Clean it up.”

“Haa… Yes.”

Amber wiped up the fluid that was heavily spilled on the bed.

“Do you find me disgusting?”

“…”

He didn’t say he did. While he might not know if he likes something, Tennessee was a person who expressed more what he hated and disliked.

In conclusion, Tennessee was weak to him. Amber was in the process of realizing that fact over and over again.

***

Tennessee’s discharge date was set. As the surgery had been successful and recovery was quick, the discharge date was moved up earlier than planned.

Regarding Tennessee’s episodes, the doctor recommended joint treatment with psychiatry. While nodding to such words from the doctor, Tennessee briefly gave Amber a glance.

A cold, unfamiliar aura emanated from Amber, whose expression was now blank. He belatedly realized that Amber beside him usually had a gentle impression. And that Amber’s expressionless face devoid of his usual cheerfulness was surprisingly cold and fitting.

After the doctor left the room, Tennessee and Amber didn’t speak for a long while. Even while listening to the doctor, Amber didn’t show surprise or ask questions. Then Tennessee caught a faint smell of marijuana near Amber.

“Amber.”

The distinctive scent of marijuana touched his nose.

“Did you do it?”

Tennessee asks, recalling Amber who had briefly left his seat. It had been enough time for there to be plenty of margin after smoking marijuana. Amber, sitting with his legs crossed, was silent, and he just looked at each other.

“Don’t be sensitive about something that isn’t even illegal.”

Tennessee pressed him, unlike usual.

“That’s why I’m asking if you did it.”

“I have no obligation to answer.”

Tennessee, who had briefly flared up, quickly calmed his breath.

“You’re not wrong.”

At his resigned tone, different from the previous pressing, Amber sighed. He was tired. It wasn’t physical fatigue. Amber responded with a face that suggested he hadn’t even wanted this.

“Why don’t you have the right? You should be angry at my rudeness.”

Tennessee waved his hand as if to say ‘forget it.’

“I didn’t. How could I have?”

Tennessee found it absurd when Amber finally spoke as if calming him. At the same time, Tennessee was taken aback. Because that grinning smile, as if asking if he had felt hurt, somehow resembled himself.

“When did you develop this habit of giving up so easily?”

“Just now.”

“I really didn’t. You can check.”

Saying it was just the smell that had stuck to him, that it wasn’t him who had done it, Amber came close telling him to check.

When Tennessee didn’t respond, he held out his hand. Amber approaches whining that he hadn’t done anything – not marijuana, not cocaine or heroin, nothing – showing his clean arms. Tennessee felt like he was watching the aegyo of a huge animal as Amber rubbed his high bridge of nose against Tennessee’s unresponsive shoulder like a headbutt. Tennessee pushed Amber, telling him to go away.

“Are you angry?”

You’re the one who’s angry. Weren’t you just over there with your arms crossed, looking sulky?

Tennessee could convey such words without even opening his mouth once, even with just his eyes.

“I’m not.”

He couldn’t bring himself to say that he was sorry Tennessee was being discharged.

“Stop pretending to be an adult.”

Tennessee rebuked Amber, who had started hiding many things at some point.

“Will you treat me better if I act like a child? No, you won’t.”

“…”

He had never been able to win against Tennessee with words.