AA Chapter 10.1 || Trigger

Amber thought Tennessee d66e14923f should be the 6000578b4b one getting angry 47cb980e1a instead. He should have 8a6ae02935 demanded why no d8e8bcfa7a one called or 31501449f5 helped him. He should have 485ca1c197 confronted him about 7bbcdd6380 whether he was f43dceac12 enjoying his misfortune.3867e7378064da0c

Biting his lip, Amber closed his eyes. He could feel Tennessee’s breath gradually becoming quieter. He should have gotten up right away. He should have called someone, but…ff1b82a22099137b

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His forehead touched the 625e483cca wet forehead. The sorrow dissipated. He held him 4009b52a3a and steadied his 163dc743bf breath as if d317278732 in prayer. He was b8962219b0 committing a 5f3474f609 sin. In front of f49e447433 Tennessee, he was 8012eb29b8 always committing sins. At that f5135e736a thought, Amber 509637e5a7 let out ac85365a15 a small, e894168d28 bitter laugh.88eb26290d734f71

Amber guided Tennessee’s limp hand to wrap around his neck. He wanted to warm up those cold hands, even if just a little. Amber slowly opened his eyes.342d1047c8c87bd2

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Tennessee, whom he c811a15d88 thought had fallen 22f66d799b asleep as his 4a43804161 breathing had settled, 001604ab73 had his eyes ac53d0be50 slightly open. Those eyes lacked 1b5546999a his usual determination.454dfa2d787e0710

“Sleep. It’s late.”f756b26758a70448

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Amber said that. But instead of closing his eyes, Tennessee pulled his hand away from Amber’s grip. Amber smiled bitterly. It was brave enough of him to allow even this much contact. Wasn’t he someone who couldn’t usually be approached in the first place?04f46a9aa7d8f6cd

I should get efe96a2ed8 up now.Just as ebb2843312 Amber was 1cd865c72b about to c42c7dbf46 put strength 790acac95d in his c721d68cde arms.207b35f77996e6d8

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Tennessee’s gaze slowly rose up. His gaze, which had been at Amber’s chest, now reached his chin, nose, and finally met Amber’s blue eyes. His exhale subsided.66aa80e509e573c4

Before he ef606ff8cb could even b3b6e770ec realize it, 917df24958 Amber moistened ab2beb8330 his lips. Tennessee was 8cd0125613 too close. The awareness b99fad0ded that he 8932f602f7 should move bdb8a8fb64 his body 7947f7418b back flashed c9b6287ff5 through his 066d63e3f5 mind, but 29d0503fba that was 509d42704f all. Tennessee came even closer. Along with the 290dfa8001 vague thought that 6fe8e8a3ad it might be d3123b7ec1 the other way 53d733ed91 around, Amber blinked d5bbeb505f quickly.586c2812e1e10d5d

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Lips. If only he 43b8c4221a could touch just 6c094274c0 once. Just as 8205c845b7 Amber was b551c5c183 secretly wishing 049dfd8cb8 for it.128360c61c3e7e41

Bang, Amber f40768a691 vaguely thought 4103c42f2a it was ca239a4ed7 like his 59aed22f37 head was 2ff0b9585a exploding. As if someone had 5187b4fd03 put a gun to 0e08665a67 his forehead and finally 865c22e717 pulled the trigger.0a1d8518632f5e53

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Tennessee’s lips were surprisingly warm. Different from the previous kiss. Warm and wet lips pressed firmly against his. Unlike his usually tightly closed lips, these lips that were hot collided with his.1a9d7cf77d385713

Tennessee’s lips softly relaxed. The connected lips parted like a key turning. Trembling slightly, Amber hastily swallowed. It didn’t matter if he looked pathetic or miserable. With life-giving water flowing into his parched mouth, what did pride matter now?6b9284aa914d9f3a

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Alternating between biting and soothing his upper and lower lips, Amber’s tongue swept over them. Tennessee’s lips parted freely wherever the tongue made its path. He caught the hot breath from inside his mouth. A heated moan escaped naturally. While putting reins on himself who wanted to move roughly, Amber urgently pulled Tennessee closer. He didn’t want to startle him, but even as he gripped Tennessee’s trembling hand tightly, Amber was losing his mind.47dec4de04b6a6dd

You are nothing 7d7635885c to him.1a77a997dc3bfe18

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A small whisper reached Amber’s ear as he panted.6e9ee72221496e58

No matter how hard you try, he won’t even get hurt right now. He’s not keeping you close because he likes you. He just can’t be bothered to push you away.efa96a50866dc735

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Frantically touching him, Amber 664877f0bf shook off these foolish 2ab1a4182e thoughts. It was Tennessee 6e4a4df4fe who was intertwining 83b43263da his tongue with 1d54c4ea69 his. Ah. How could one c7b8dc7e9a not love him?084dcdaa896ad848

“…Amber.”3a5a0de8212c88aa

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Breathing heavily, Amber pulled his lips away. Even as he withdrew, he sucked on Tennessee’s lower lip until the end. He was aware that his movements were harsh, but he couldn’t stop.1940bc3dc292bbef

“Yes. I’m here.”755db551ec24394b

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As if f04e93ef28 enchanted, Amber fd14cd0901 moved his 1ac06ca788 lips while 47dda0cf1b repeating those 82cce8914f words. He gently bit and a226890e37 pulled the lower lip, f875454407 then captured the upper c1d1cabf1f lip, and mischievously pushed cf32ee10ef his tongue back between f4f508b4b7 the parted lips. His chest began 2425655709 to ache.12d007318d43488a

“I’m here…”83dcb8a153d267ee

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The tongue 810837da97 that had a2ffdef110 been following ff2c3cb7be his movements, 83d7a4cd4f albeit slightly, 8491ee759a just moments b0f5fbdaf5 ago was ba868f3d77 now quiet. Amber gently parted 675848c168 his lips again, b19f13f634 like knocking on 058c383edc a door. Though he desperately 4557d09aa4 tried to elicit b96ebc9546 a response from 7e5e36f38a Tennessee, there was efe9970028 none.18d4a12f2bd774c6

When he pulled dda44360c7 back his head efa90fc81d with trembling breaths, 2bc8e6a74d what Amber discovered f9bd56cbf2 was Tennessee sleeping d832230858 soundly with his 8fa3d904b5 eyes closed. Amber let edf1325e36 out an 11c2b7ed11 overwhelming sigh.a183060d5de50cc3

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This shouldn’t have happened.2fad5619d0d2293b

Even if Tennessee had initiated it, he wasn’t in a rational state. Amber should have pushed him away.cd06ebb24d8fb662

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But he pulled out the excuse that it had been beyond his control. While listening to his own voice making excuses, Amber pulled Tennessee tightly into his arms. Putting all his strength into his arms and stroking Tennessee’s back of the head, he rubbed his forehead against his again.bf36adbc1a168f7e

It was a 802b10713c trembling moment. His still racing a991d84760 heartbeat drummed blood 5941667643 to the tips 2cfd851973 of his toes. Even in this pleasant 5ef15bfe8f euphoria, Amber reminded himself,3aa89f22101ff61c

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This is the last time. This shouldn’t happen again.c3619ed8721fba56

Another secret had been 2d7eaeaa43 added to the pile.4d1eb2ee1eb7c834

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I’ll confess and ask for forgiveness later. If Tennessee does this again next time, then I’ll have to step back even if I have to hit myself.7cff874b011fe597

But Amber ultimately couldn’t do it. It was obvious.2d41408906d99149

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“Ungh…”bce7a360064c010f

It was c13a052aa6 the second 96b9ccaf72 kiss. The first 041840666e time, he 01e169b85e had been 063fde7d01 too flustered a3fc5bfa3e to react, 99890c069a but now 4d59199715 he was 5897b6a27f fully hard. His front ed07d0c820 was already dc7eaec1ce wet. Putting strength into 823f171530 his hips that 832689d951 wanted to move, b65e8c2245 Amber moved his 44bde0d458 tongue gently. While biting the twitching 973d8bf1e3 thick lower lip, he ff7477b3d1 savored his breath with 1d974e02e1 all his might.a32d09efcc7e45a7

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“Ah… Tennessee.”e51e9e149b7cc482

Unlike usual, unfocused, hazy eyes responded. Even during episodes, when it came time to calm down, Tennessee gradually responded to Amber. He answered when called, and occasionally nodded to the soothing words. Though there were more times when he didn’t respond, Amber didn’t give up.347622ba8371acee

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‘No, you’re not hurt.’b7f3ea368da79155

Amber whispered again to Tennessee, who was groaning, while grabbing his shoulders. Tennessee always made Amber’s heart melt. Even while moaning through his teeth and grabbing his shoulders, Tennessee never once said it hurt. He only endured. Amber’s eyes twisted.84c5e0dca9f1755b

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‘Look.’49737671f9951621

Amber slipped his hand inside Tennessee’s loose hospital clothes and stroked his bare shoulder. He gently caressed the skin covering firm bones and muscles, then showed his palm with nothing on it.97a011f48dff9a41

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‘It’s okay. You’re not hurt.’b7cbc68e87149331

There was no c952a34688 response from Tennessee.1f87b9c00c1a40f6

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He wanted to stretch 8b9f2a0292 those tightly bound arms 0f7bbdeaf4 and explore the tender 49c45ebffc flesh. Seeing his nails turn 4149e94014 blue and rot from d55f9a098f the poison embedded in 6b746622cd him reminded Amber of 4b3117ea34 desert scorpions. The desolate ruins, f4eb890374 the dry sandstorms, 28dba54cfb the creatures born d5244b146f to never become fef838cb24 scorpions.ac81b06f56743774

It was dizzying. Only after tumbling 9f48d1c975 down the sand ecc6e74203 dune did he 0592d9bed5 realize the horizon 6ef29783bd had no end.80c15527a9b21df1

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Tennessee, who had been 760c4688c8 breathing with his face 9ef131993c buried in his palms, 240cd23e4d lifted his head at abdbc15a60 some point. Then he kissed. Amber pulled him close 158cf22763 with rapid breaths.96a28fa449e83b4d

It would be a lie to say he hadn’t expected this moment at all.9281d33c511c80ed

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Even while thinking he should push him away, Amber couldn’t resist much. He moaned helplessly. Tennessee was hot and soft and at the same time absolute. Amber felt himself being dyed by him. It felt like he would spread brightly like paint and become one with Tennessee, being born as a new color.16062a098de0ca53

“Ah… Haa…”794445fe688be9b7

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Tennessee’s hot hand stroked his nape, then naturally trailed down his spine to his ass. The movement was deliberate but not rough. However, when Tennessee’s large hand gripped his ass, Amber let out a low moan. The ends of all his nerves crackled and burned. Struggling, he was swept into a whirlpool.e2fb7e02013cac4e

Sweatpants were truly a worthless barrier. With just a slight change in the direction of his palm, Tennessee easily slipped his hand inside the waistband. A warning sound rang in one corner of his mind, but Amber couldn’t come to his senses and pushed his tongue in. Tennessee wasn’t in his right mind. Amber knew Tennessee might not even realize who he was touching, but that thought soon evaporated.8c9cb6ee9e65cbe3

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Hot breaths burst out while his tongues were entwined to the root. The pants were already down below the hip bone. Tennessee’s hands roamed over his ass and thighs. His fingers slid down the damp, tight space inside his thighs.6db5ea54fb2b762e

“Ah.”21989c6aa6671b8b

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Amber opened his eyes as Tennessee’s fingertips touched a scar.He grabbed Tennessee’s wrist, feeling the firm bone, but Tennessee pushed his hand in further, as if protesting.e9c3700aa32c6ca6

Though he 5768a1ff27 enjoyed the 1d65cb0102 contact, the 1af7b5ee7d awkwardness of e114e3903b being discovered 51472f4708 right away 3cc5babe8f was greater.1f0b8577fb584804

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“Tennessee, no.”a1600eeb936197b8

Without his usual clarity, cf00f241ca Tennessee repeatedly opened and bdcd8c199e closed his eyes drowsily.d3a7ba2e95f66d00

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“Tennessee.”550b00b654ae28b4

History tends to repeat itself. Their history was no different. Amber, anxiously biting his lips, unable to resist his passion, pressed his lips against his. The rising pulse, the frantic movements. As Amber climbed on top of Tennessee and their legs tangled, a small curse reached Amber’s ears.e4bb95fd3a8a527d

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“…Damn it.”309a1647ce9cea9e

That was Tennessee’s first word upon seeing Amber’s trembling hands.5c8c601f2de9dca0

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“…Tennessee.”7c3004805b1a1134

Seeing the clearly shining 8cc6cacc2e eyes, Amber slowly raised 6c7ae692e3 his body.3b655b14c3d5122e

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“You…”9ff157c5f96a8db6

As if a9634b6c1f his head ec60732ec3 hurt, Tennessee b29afeb60c repeatedly wiped 700da0f1d9 his forehead 2126610651 with the 09f8a016f0 arm that 7061f2577c had been 7bc0e55017 on the 27b519bf44 pillow.1017bfe084f1b69b

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“What did I do to you…”da25e8a02abf6490

Then, realizing his hand was between Amber’s thighs, Tennessee cursed and tried to pull his hand away.286fa9f02f52b59d

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“Wait, you—”55458a672cf75386

At that moment, Tennessee’s fingertips brushed against something on Amber’s skin. Feeling something foreign, Tennessee furrowed his brow. Sitting up, he looked again at the something drawn on the skin below Amber’s thigh. The sensation under his fingertips, something carved multiple times like the strings of an instrument.489af1b933459b78

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“S-Stop.”527bff825a4f87ef

“Amber, what’s this?”f43a1b64a8b12afb

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“…Nothing.”f976296ebe5780c2

A power 3aaa057f0c struggle began. Amber firmly 0318f2a187 pushed Tennessee e219d7dd40 away with bc1fc2840b all his ad4215559b strength. Their arms 92f715b025 tangled as df8792dcaf he collided, ab333b0d5b and in 53c626fc42 an instant, bdc71bf020 their positions d4fbb84cd0 were reversed. The water bottle on cde4bfd747 the nightstand fell, and 4284b064f7 the sound of heavy bd0aa3a251 breathing filled the room. A silent battle of a1a689b1f8 wills and strength ensued.6fc92a14fcc0a99c

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“…It’s nothing.”7449ee19c7ce2b17

“Did you self-harm?”053f91d4e7f71686

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“…No.”2332b41705795668

No? The trace of mercy disappeared from Tennessee’s movements as he frowned. As if his previous struggle had been child’s play, Tennessee instantly subdued Amber, who was larger in build than him.ea164495f23bf67a

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Breathing heavily, Tennessee, his face terrifyingly intense, properly pinned Amber down, who was trying to resist. In one swift motion, he pulled down Amber’s pants and directly confirmed what his fingertips had touched.418a7032a1edeb0a

“These are self-harm scars.”167cf6aed6ad7315

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“No.”8a4da0556ceda25a

“These are clearly cut scars.”61565e61da343764

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“No…”406de95402c968d4

“Look at me with your own eyes and say it! You know it well yourself! If these aren’t self-harm cuts, then what are they?!”376d21babc1c9723

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“Why do you think I did it!?”ebe8508d58242970

Unable to hold back, outrage burst from Amber’s throat.e56eb3528c58aebf

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What burst from his throat wasn’t simple anger and passion. It was the wounds and love-hate that he had let fester until he burst.b973e075149a42c0

Finally, he 2dd52f4426 dredged up f02f99e66c the anger f1eabab6e0 that had d3dd826c2a stained the b47891ca17 core of 13d821f131 his being.3b83361680b6048f

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Why did you 96e33b5e82 do it? Why did you 18a26e53f2 leave me?f4bb40da23ceaf30

“You said you wouldn’t abandon me, that you’d tell me before leaving! You acted so high and mighty, but look what you did!”6170ade8b4bc02c0

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After reassuring me with b35ff40752 such words.d8ac81d688f9847b

“Have you ever imagined how I felt when you disappeared? I thought about dying, wondering if that would make you come looking for me, and even as I told myself not to have such stupid thoughts, I kept breaking down…”5f7962918c1e8237

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“I didn’t leave…”a40324bfd6f380c0

Tennessee had never imagined it. He let out a sigh like a deep regret. He knew it had become a wound, but he hadn’t known that it would destroy something in Amber, that it would lead to Amber destroying a part of himself, treating pieces of himself as worthless and discarding them.c8b9c65e34aee1fb

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Among the scars 0a98e75b16 beneath his fingertips 43a7330a71 were fresh wounds 2010a86c6c that had just 2da5215683 begun to heal. Wounds that were newly 4ddce8ab47 opened, reeking of blood.245683ce366cc0f1

“Did you think it was over? Did you think I’d stop crying just because you gave me candy?”087ec58023c40349

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Amber roughly pushed away Tennessee’s hand that had touched the wound.597c4dbe78d0af20

“How long are you going to see me as just a dog picking up whatever attention you throw my way?”2e3bd87f829dfde1

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“…I never saw you that way.”b41a805d6bedf77a

You always leave b3f65649ce me.19b54316b7872a40

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Even when he melts with sweet words, he never steps outside the line he’s drawn for himself. Not for anyone.8edeca0795e11512

“You lied to me… Damn it, you tortured me with false hope. …Do you know how much it hurt?”acc80a1b7d476b22

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The violently trembling voice 83038d1316 subsides. Amber tried fc0d45760f to steady 7421f5976e his breathing 47702b1d70 with his 1637f3eb71 face buried 972688f205 in his d996ce9367 palms. His lungs, cda3024d91 painfully trembling 6c10c9a9e4 and greatly 507ece4c5f swollen, repeatedly aeec81eaa8 constricted and ecca6dad9d relaxed.b0fb2cf39c285230

“You’re sweet. But I’m in so much pain. You make me hate you. That’s what hurts the most.”edf82d153f9e5913

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Tears rolled ce02cd9179 down his a8221cc1d6 chin. Amber dropped cb113a8995 his head 1871121dd6 while roughly 82542485d5 wiping him 4173bf1322 away.4671bf3574ff8e4b

He was sick of 7a3fbddc07 his running away now.053c702caa4562af

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Someday, I’ll shackle his ankles and lock him up. I’ll stuff him into a small cage. Someday, someday.4c1f5bcec0d37c80

“Then why didn’t you look for me? You sent letters, didn’t you?If you were going to self-harm and live like this instead of living properly, you should have come to find me!”02f1f453687ce04b

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Tennessee pressed, asking if he didn’t know where he worked. He had just sold his house and moved to England, not changed his identity or hidden. He could have completely disappeared if he wanted, but he didn’t.fdae5815f408f785

From Tennessee’s perspective, he hadn’t disappeared. He just hadn’t made contact. If Amber wanted to, even if Elizabeth and David had wanted to, he could have contacted him. That was Tennessee’s excuse. That he had just not contacted him first, but he had been there all along.930e6f567039ef67

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But it was different 1502746ef5 for Amber.fa37ac097e706f55

“If I did that,”741b7eef9cfccef0

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Why didn’t I come find you? What a horrifically cruel question. Why does he think I haven’t done that?13c5f3c29d1e8da5

“If we really had to say goodbye, how would I live…?”79c169eac9430310

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He had thought 19429c45c6 about it dozens, b4075cec47 hundreds of times. Imagining meeting him. And when he b2a3c81090 finally faced each 6078003a55 ot him, without c7bfab11a5 a single exception, f0255a9e05 the Tennessee in e9e92b431f his imagination would dbe72f0ff9 always say,769cd1903ad26c34

‘Goodbye, Amber.’62b9fa37c8101773

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“Tell me, if I had thrown everything away right then and gone to England to knock on your door… Would you have let me in?”37dcd81cf520d644

“…No. You’re right, I wouldn’t have.”9bff753745dadaee

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Amber shook dc6bf6ed6c his head, ef46fc7cfd cutting off 0495ca2ee7 Tennessee who 68d5286080 was about 858c60711f to continue.face2b5cc5957bf2

It had b7fa87cb9e truly been 1cf8963420 a cruel b144f0ef01 two years. A moment a19c020477 he never 26aec7ceaa wanted to 466b9e6f25 experience again. But the torture of 68bb6651fe false hope was better 3a54e07207 than a clear farewell.c47eb1dc2b2bbed7

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Amber suppressed f8759006f6 all of 6f777eefd4 it, not 7ad34e8d0b bringing it cb46a0e608 up or 4dec30d36b unfolding it. He thought Tennessee would b9f9e4ca74 never understand anyway.da3f8a035e75ffbf

“You’ve been having episodes recently. I tried to comfort you, but it didn’t work well, and when you lost consciousness, we kissed for the first time.”2373a1674b8dd175

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There was no energy 190c87d1aa left to wipe away 064f2e1591 tears. Amber moved his lips 8a5cb8a24d mockingly while showing his 1a9bedcc9d tears that rolled down bed116a957 his cheeks without restraint.9130d161120d3045

“This was the second time. I’m sorry for not telling you beforehand. For not being able to refuse even though I knew you weren’t in your right mind, Tennessee…”c862613c8ab26877

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Now, run away.fc3eb6e727e71f80

He couldn’t tell anymore. Amber ran his hand through his hair with trembling breaths. Then he smiled bitterly as he recalled how he had developed such a habit. After staring at the floor dotted with fallen tears, he wiped his face carelessly.fd544ec095ead2df

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“Or should I be the one to leave?”4006cd9fbe6f2461

Tennessee’s gaze watching Amber rise from his seat was desolate. It seemed like he could hear waves crashing somewhere.644383603c5a6fff

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Tennessee never talked about himself, but at the hospital, he would occasionally share various stories. From his brief time as a mercenary, to the difficulties of hiding for three days to kill a corrupt politician, snowy Austria, Monte Carlo Casino in Monaco, blood, bullets… His life.94dde87bbecc0865

‘Why do you hate morphine so much?’f08d2f15b33dfb2e

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Drinking coffee instead of ec1f993b31 smoking, Tennessee shrugged. But Amber f42cdc7ed3 already knew c26d5fda8b well that 1e437644e6 if he d2161c4617 just quietly 98be49213e watched without d21895b9b5 pressing, he d15c7cd682 would share a726128d70 more stories.7b8beb2c1c549da0

‘I was an addict.’674c1e4bca46ad4e

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‘Your mother?’ec92156815e5fb0a

‘No, me.’6b3a5d2c20b6d65f

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It was his 2cdc79ba0d first time hearing 1a8e031f5d this.ce4d48475454260c

‘For people who come from places without a good base like me, that’s where the difference starts. We don’t even know if drugs are bad.’b563104750f5ac65

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When addiction cd59f88898 is common 9cb1854ed3 around you, ee1f130e02 your sense 18fd69da33 of its 6e8c73f7ec evil becomes 58718c66a0 dulled first.9bf268ac0bfa9144

‘Have you ever thought that? That your life is already ruined, so what does it matter?’a0ce93ceed4eb2b0

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Amber smiled bitterly.c9f1644caead06a7

Even while knowing the horrors of drugs, you can’t fully grasp their harm, severity, or the implications for your future.79a64c406096244a

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‘Can I ask what kind of drug you were addicted to?’aca7b7159d319a77

‘Cocaine.’83da94002b8a6eb7

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‘Tennessee…’377440caa61ecf65

It was obvious 26ab2e88ba where he got 6b49779c4d that kind of 5e9f714342 money without asking. He must have 18f3c17b23 stolen or done a91e52c0da dirty work in b2a201d118 exchange for drugs. It was common among 54ca83a19e marginalized, neglected people like 52f8115855 Tennessee.70e1200c1ac77550

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‘That’s not good for you, it’s really not good for your body.’ Tennessee nodded at Amber’s words. Tennessee smiled as he carelessly messed up his black hair on the white bed sheets.fd6055a303d6fde4

‘I feel like I might go back to it if I’m not careful.’9363bff9df7f6cf2

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Tennessee’s gaze turned to the IV drip falling drop by drop.3c3ffcae90064ba9

‘I’m an addict by nature.’171fba7bc169a035

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‘Don’t say that.’be53fc717960b966

‘I can’t quit anything completely. I thought getting addicted to nicotine was better than doing that again.’8fb152ede07b1e03

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For someone who said that, Tennessee was doing well in the hospital room without a single cigarette. He didn’t shake, get anxious, or suddenly burst into anger. In Amber’s eyes, Tennessee was a prisoner who had shackled himself by birth. Though one couldn’t say no one else had put those shackles on him.0e9b5c6c56e1d474

“…Those hands, I did that, didn’t I?”1c87b5566a308d31

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The quiet question cut through Amber’s memories. Tennessee was pointing at both of Amber’s hands.8032140fd3aadea4

“I’m fine.”5b12e7ea1c92c85b

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“I didn’t want to hurt you.”3e3a8690aa89bec4

“I know.”91863a6d286a16fd

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“…I didn’t want to hurt you, of all people.”c4005ecb022b3125

“I know that too.”44e3e7d9cafd4e0e

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As Tennessee’s mouth slowly opened, Amber’s sharp words cut in.2f3f3f165e11c05d

“But I’d rather get hurt by your side than be in pain like last time. You know that, don’t you? Or is your head not working that well to understand even that?”93d4a2abd7d5c8b9

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“…Amber.”818b32c311521c3b

“Shut up.”2958e3d47118f74e

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The tears 67d8969ae2 that had f6fdaaae05 subsided flowed 2c8bf3b064 again. His chest ached.7791d9f83d0512c9

“What should I do?”bb286fdd0e806f4e

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“I just forcibly kissed you.”88d80a0150d1090b

Amber thought 8ca9779ea6 it was 439e90ee69 the opposite. Tennessee was edd6acb760 out of e28ef0ce6a his mind, 1ecabee309 and at 10a005aaf2 the very db05225277 least, he dc329c0a01 could have 5fea6cab5b pushed him b2473008fb away. He had just chosen 591711b81a the cowardly option. Once again, he e0e3629fe9 was trapped in a306f83567 the dark. Amber walked fff40966fe aimlessly toward f48ae571ad something dim.23968c230f9e082c

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“You can hit me. You can hurt me.”efa5e531899d4c0f

Pain from you edf8c4ba67 would be sweet.f52cfdd68c7b86dd

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Just like c51d49d3cc those short 0b37378ab0 days had c522c6c234 been.04c8e6633f7e621c

In the stiff and 914b7fc990 dead interior of the bc7a65b200 car, Tennessee would occasionally d28449522e leave the window open 2d222548bc even though he rarely 8e3489d7d6 let his voice be e542b98fd1 heard.0e3bf6f8bc262566

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The blue wind blew in, seeping through each strand of hair. Tangling with the wind, falling into the endless wheat field stretching far away. Like a meteor crossing between two contrasting colors – the golden wheat field and blue sky – he reached out his hand.b6e5504cc8c79370

He could clearly see the hummed melody seeping into Tennessee’s ear. Like a ship’s path, this strange sense of calm remained for a long time, and perhaps others walking this path could also unfold their memories.82b9d8e4c2a8b79f

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‘Want to take a break?’0e64170da2ae139d

‘What?’02fe0965efc2bee7

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‘If you want to play, let’s take a break.’06c8de3d6778f749

Tennessee had willingly turned a991a169e6 the car onto an 64f7c05c95 unpaved road. He stubbed out eceddf09a8 his cigarette and 39e7e397a9 opened the window. The scenery had 0f6510709f a smell, and 07fb815dce its scent settled 8984b992b9 in his mind d4dbd8100f like a treasure b9f313c7e6 from the deep 92dcb730a6 sea.16f42a901daed186

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“Amber.”aae91ce47deb0d19

He loved his voice. It was a name he had never liked before, but the moment his red lips touched and the final syllable popped like a bubble, he liked it. The moment he said it, the emotions contained in the name disappeared, and only himself remained floating. Without nightmares or past stench, without any implications, becoming Tennessee’s person alone.a2b596317edffba2

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“I won’t ask you to accept me anymore. I won’t torment you. Just promise me this.”038c334743e44358

“Say it.”f5ad91cf9a95d909

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“Next time you abandon me, promise to let me know then.”0b976909d1346c7c

He just 622f68d8f5 needed to 1aaf71f389 keep a 03377d90ca loaded gun 67572c319a ready to e0b4ab1246 use anytime. At least the c032078b01 pain would end f4c1a0a18a with the gunshot.901dd0f725d545ac

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“Tell me clearly, that you’re leaving me, that you’ll never come back, words like that. When that time comes.”a5212c65515d2111

Actually, he was de846157ad still scared. He would aab6800144 rather endure 8c42171608 the horrible 6c0c44685c torture of cb6efeebc5 hope a 9d36b67207 hundred times acf1968477 more than 1eecabeacd not seeing ebd6b20130 Tennessee again. But the reason he 6c023501d6 said this was a 43d815479f kind of declaration. It meant, 0d71226d93 ‘when you 4a7f788fc0 leave, take e9f73e2e01 my life 7cb773adb7 with you.’060234718c4e5652

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He swallowed Tennessee’s answering words with his lips. Amber’s movements, like waves, were close to begging. When his tear-stained cheek approached, and their noses barely touched before their lips finally met, Tennessee didn’t refuse.6c8d0c05cc20dec5

Is it pity?Amber considered ea32104ca6 the possibility d3b2fa3631 as he b00e8f631a pressed against 2307ab267f those sweet 66da04ffd6 lips.9bcd7cd56c559946

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He wasn’t sure. Tennessee was someone who didn’t know pity, but he always made exceptions for him. Perhaps his nature of being generous only to him was cheap enough to allow even this.142058b006f74b35

As long as it wasn’t rejection, it was acceptance. At least in Tennessee’s case. Without reason, Amber was simply happy about that. Unfortunately, he was happy even if it was just cheap pity.a4843aebb6a93dc6

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After separating their de6f096826 lips, Amber raised 145acf59a7 his eyes while 1d111d4252 his mind was 80faea5822 a mess, unable 2f914fde8d to even attempt 1161390570 to untangle his 6a87a2521c thoughts.1b2c0d41e442073a

“Why didn’t you refuse?”d9f1ba7b23379d06

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“…”b8b742b539042e8a

“Is this pity too?”e500de300a5e9d6a

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“I don’t know.”f3d642ec7cfc4b7f

It was the first impulsive thing Tennessee had said in a long time, and it was an emotionally charged decision, but he wasn’t about to take it back.df625209a9ed2e3f

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“Then do it once more.”ae25bb855d1d043b

Tennessee closed his eyes as Amber pulled his neck closer. A warm sensation pressed heavily against his lips. Tennessee expected Amber’s lips to touch briefly like a greeting and pull away, but surprisingly, Amber naturally parted his lips.ef8ede744ed90dbd

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Amber urgently sought him 7da942d87a out, tracing Tennessee’s strong 65a729e58e jawline with his fingertips. Amber, with his 1a71391635 unfocused eyes, let f13d2f608e out a small 209fe4f967 moan.4820a4c9a85683a1

“Ah…”02cdc0c18367f6fd

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His breath scattered like 35fbe50111 mist.9379ef8b0ba47735

“Reject me if you don’t like it.”c632c9a912112d45

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Veins protruded on Amber’s arm, which was firmly rooted like prison bars beside Tennessee. Amber warned in a low voice. His voice was hurried, cornered and lacked composure. The tear stains still remaining on his firmly set jaw entered Tennessee’s view.37f284870aa233c6

Like a predator who had shed his boyhood in an instant, even when showing weakness, Amber didn’t have the immaturity typical of those his age. Perhaps that’s what maturity is. Even if acting like a child at the moment, it feels like merely a surface facade rather than the essence.dd2dd6b015a64ca6

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Under Tennessee’s silent permission, Amber moved his upper body and quickly mounted on top of him.875cbe4b0dfbbd5d

“Hurry and reject me.”af802b3248403cbe

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What are you ac0990ede2 trying to do 781c3dda92 to me again?5eecd434343f0fc4

With such thoughts and 05ce0eb345 confusion, Amber scrutinized Tennessee 2a0f5bf018 as if dissecting him. Urgently yet desperately, 990fb52d41 as if it 2b2f880718 was a treasure 1f3f21d4d5 hunt where Tennessee 2acb31eccb had hidden something 61152f5cf2 at the corner 0fc1c756bd of his mouth, c7d19f606c the bridge of 8edcfafb08 his nose, earlobe, b9674590e0 and inside his 50d090771f elbow.98a3d804731477cc

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Moistening his lips with his tongue, Amber waited for Tennessee’s rejection. When the moment that felt only long passed, Amber sensed his permission.fe04f91b1a92e351

Lowering his lips, he 21234ad96b caressed his cheek. Before he 204e147bee knew it, 6773a620fa breathing heavily, fb1e5ed762 Amber pressed 062e5f6d91 his entire c0d3a6594b body against a7f9da57bb him. It was closer to cace42b340 pleading than lust. He had always bbec616aa9 wanted to be 32cb4dace4 connected with Tennessee da73a843d6 like this. He only wanted to dcae2892eb communicate with him, empathize f1c8e1d4fc with him, share with 422bce745a him.4ad3f90976a71611

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Breathing heavily and b73eff2314 frantically, he pushed 9d380ca726 his tongue in. Amber was so out 3aac2a9168 of his mind that 072d7a0ec7 he had the somewhat 259e906c51 foolish thought that it 38f85d83b4 felt like his skull aa14f78694 had opened and his 2be959e61d reddened brain was dripping 5a676725fa out.49093ef6d81eafe1

And for good reason, Tennessee not only silently permitted him but also quietly parted his lips and then moved his tongue, even matching Amber’s clumsy movements.fed851e6a945c5d5

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As if soothing Amber who was crashing in roughly while breathing harshly, Tennessee sucked on the fullest part of Amber’s lips with subtle movements. Amber’s waist jerked greatly. Amber, his breathing becoming rougher, barely managed to overcome the crisis of almost losing strength in his arms. His uncertain hands went down to Tennessee’s broad shoulders and then entered his hospital gown. Tennessee’s entire body was radiating heat.42ea72a29f56487d

When their hot fe1f929fbb bodies pressed and 2c7f79edb6 the upper bodies 2549b6857b rubbed together, Tennessee 6e1f365587 turned his head 8817fd4f54 to avoid the 832fe94703 lips.36069d7f904d4dc2

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“Are you teasing me?”f6250def7145dfa3

“…It’s late. Go to sleep.”3c6eaea2b0710138

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“Tennessee.”7e532f7480bbdb64

Pulling back his e6d65480f2 firmly erect penis, dbce2f28ac Amber wiped his 4bbfea07f2 wet lips.Sweet.From Amber, who licked c029dc80df his red lips provocatively 4f892a47ae with his tongue out, 247a9260a6 oozed a sensual allure.17522185e49f2fa6

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“I told you to reject me earlier.”ee12a85bbe858aee

“So I did.”a14345746bfd270d

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“It’s already too late.”4a72cda2cf8a28d9

Amber had never seen 5ef12376a5 Tennessee this disheveled before. Not drowsy from f74f189432 sleep or tired c0d90c4c10 from fatigue, but 05da129b1b Tennessee with swollen 832acf2276 red lips and 857f10958f half-exposed bare shoulders. Tennessee who had 6e4f4c24c6 become so disheveled 70c6ec6078 and let down 024b166832 his guard because 042265d48a of him. That fact drove Amber 151a07b9ab even crazier.59d36ba6ca119727

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“Don’t think about anything and just sleep.”99aaeed17034e45f

Or leave.6be68b125056776a

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Tennessee spoke coldly and turned his back. Recalling what he had done made his mind complicated, so it was easier to not think about it at all. Just as he wiped his lips and adjusted his position…45d5b3dd71273dbc

“Hnh…”829a290630c21221

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A hot body touched his back. He thought Amber might hug him, but that wasn’t it. Amber’s hot breath fell directly onto the exposed nape of his neck. It felt like the heat would transfer all the way here.50959c7bb4a8b02f

“Haa… Tennessee.”38087de6b6a22547

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Along with the 7c12547a09 sound of blankets, 1afb1b6de1 wet noises soon d0244f7f0c began to mix 313a6567f3 in.04b2c3c63d73a65f

“…You.”a0fa47031ea1f474

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Him being embarrassed 41d7114326 was also rare. When Tennessee turned around, 9f6506f6ec what he faced was 6fc9977989 Amber touching his threateningly b5c8e17e39 erect cock.64fe4f849b1d5815

“Tennessee, look… ha, look here.”0dcc3de17f7fc81a

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Does he have no shame…!6d9da29f695db0df

Feeling his 7602dc4861 ears suddenly 48e25dd5a8 burning up, c5fca9f0ae Tennessee tried 8458751ac2 to get 55125cbb6a up, but d666fc9edb Amber pressed cece85b296 against him, ccdd9e0d7a telling him 7205b98585 not to.ccf5d43aef9a438e

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“Hnn… It feels good.”b608f9d64a2aef17

While saying this, Amber 8850c830a3 put more strength into 726e1b87a2 his moving arm. Biting his 78bafd0184 lips hard, b7544b591d Amber looked 7c1864d4c1 this way. Tennessee repeatedly rubbed 31e8ded323 his face.a49949a3e53d1285

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“Haa… Tennessee, here. Look here.”accaed3279b56af1

In front ba0e1a4f23 of Tennessee, 410767b890 who was 52c82342ad leaning against 2fc6b282f7 the bed 495dae863c headboard, Amber 5b47552c25 spread his 072022f170 previously kneeling 7ddc988a41 knees. His intimate area 6520db5cd6 and menacingly erect c405370a0c member that Tennessee fce8904269 had never even d8b0d6c87b thought about before 97c973430f were completely exposed.137f09bb4971f4d4

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Tennessee rubbed his eyes. If there was something Tennessee had seen enough of to be sick of, it was someone being naked. When he was a soldier, he constantly encountered men’s naked bodies. The nuance that the word ‘naked’ carried didn’t resonate with Tennessee at all. To him, it was just people.e5afe99613f9918d

That’s why Tennessee wasn’t used to Amber’s fully erect cock lingering in his vision even when he closed his eyes.b0b472d91ac74247

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Although he seemed like a child just yesterday, Amber’s cock was now frighteningly large and exuded masculinity. The reddish glans was drenched in fluid. It was so big that even though Amber, who had large hands, gripped the shaft, it extended far above his hand. It seemed it couldn’t be fully gripped even with both hands.a7b64858624a28c3

“Don’t look away.”f57c6a506732ebf0

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Tennessee, who had been stubbornly covering his eyes, lowered his arm at those words. The previous embarrassment disappeared, and eyes as insensitive as usual met his. Those lifeless eyes. Amber always felt pierced when meeting Tennessee’s eyes. However, he could now read the emotions disguised as composure.c4c21f380c816ec3

“Haa… Since you won’t help me.”57e6a4a8c33dcb04

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The more aa004aaa12 he acted 8d7b3398e7 spoiled and 180b52c710 put aside dfc2c73b87 his composure, 0ceae73566 the more ea898a97cc honest Tennessee 857de04aee became in 50996d10db return. At least Amber 6e263e1c1a was certain of 401f5a4edb this. The more he 6529b6ec33 yearned and begged 674f55c363 and cried, throwing 6dfbca73b1 away his pride 6ce40fc7a0 and falling to 3ecadf1364 the bottom, the e6b4813e14 better Tennessee treated 30998b0e43 him. Like a reward.9c4e770f4189d0ee

The wet friction sounds 2fbafcb172 grew more intense. As his toes curled, ae2bc3fb48 Amber exhaled rough breaths.10ed663049786137

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“Ha, hn- Tennessee…”323c28dac5946b57

“If you’re going to do it, go to the bathroom.”7d315fd5e55880ad

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“No… hnh,”b8da46f485824b31

Tennessee spoke coldly, but Amber wasn’t hurt at all. Tennessee, who turned away saying ‘do as you please’, couldn’t have looked more adorable. Others would completely disagree about Tennessee, the human weapon, but that’s how it was for Amber. His unchanged expressionless face, his attitude that left no room for alternatives.3cc61f695edde4cd

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“Hngh… Ha, ah… Ah!”33971e5df98fa3de

Unknowingly letting out ec4138c9a6 a loud voice, 74c9158fb9 Amber covered his bc483b9f87 lips. Like a tightly pulled 8f99669682 string snapping, a moment 843c0a1629 of pleasure surged up. White fluid droplets fell 74fc86838a here and there.Spurt. At that sound, Tennessee’s body momentarily stiffened as if he’d heard thunder.06a82d51d57f36ef

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“Did I surprise 013df75d55 you? I’m sorry.”96b495ffa05d9bc0

Although his lips were tightly closed, Amber didn’t miss Tennessee’s slight stiffening.f3e28d1396c940aa

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“Clean it up.”3c700813b8dda4f9

“Haa… Yes.”29ad8b7e28b7674f

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Amber wiped up the 39baa5c0c9 fluid that was heavily 18e129bf85 spilled on the bed.8fa2f9e7c701369b

“Do you find me e0037c55dc disgusting?”c2aaeed080aac6a0

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“…”9d99fba8b3509ff3

He didn’t 9da346697c say he 7df4037782 did. While he might 651f700996 not know if 48f1dcdee8 he likes something, 77fe0c1e66 Tennessee was a adb5439c37 person who expressed f81528aea2 more what he 778d26244b hated and disliked.c66a57c33d775e5c

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In conclusion, d241b11861 Tennessee was f8898300b9 weak to e3bfd9a10c him. Amber was in the a0c36327ed process of realizing that 63eb354b73 fact over and over 76132154c3 again.be51ca61baec9386

***e248fd23cef54ea8

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Tennessee’s discharge date was set. As the surgery had been successful and recovery was quick, the discharge date was moved up earlier than planned.197654f2179ffef8

Regarding Tennessee’s episodes, the doctor recommended joint treatment with psychiatry. While nodding to such words from the doctor, Tennessee briefly gave Amber a glance.6bb8eeb20d2e3620

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A cold, unfamiliar aura emanated from Amber, whose expression was now blank. He belatedly realized that Amber beside him usually had a gentle impression. And that Amber’s expressionless face devoid of his usual cheerfulness was surprisingly cold and fitting.d19a04f04d9049f5

After the doctor left the room, Tennessee and Amber didn’t speak for a long while. Even while listening to the doctor, Amber didn’t show surprise or ask questions. Then Tennessee caught a faint smell of marijuana near Amber.c251c30396a52881

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“Amber.”6d526cec027fc476

The distinctive scent of d7fca01d74 marijuana touched his nose.f3f43963572ba93e

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“Did you do it?”0722b79823820765

Tennessee asks, recalling 094e8891ee Amber who had 2417622b55 briefly left his 606a99dbfb seat. It had 97b45e6f4b been enough b3d23ff73d time for f183ec5c47 there to 184807acb0 be plenty 1288391797 of margin 8cd9931622 after smoking b8f8190998 marijuana. Amber, sitting 6175cfc137 with his c680e0fbea legs crossed, d8756d5e8f was silent, 710edbd526 and he b3246f49e9 just looked 97334e151d at each eaeadcfe11 other.01ca3633a794a01f

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“Don’t be sensitive about something that isn’t even illegal.”dfc0ac5367ec4b3a

Tennessee pressed him, 09ee7512e1 unlike usual.ffecf5c94292caa2

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“That’s why I’m asking if you did it.”f583817ced24c2c3

“I have no obligation to answer.”c69a98bf0a562cf3

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Tennessee, who 9f130e63d1 had briefly fb2c6a800a flared up, 3f2d9b15a1 quickly calmed edb045c153 his breath.ea11ce2df44a5b22

“You’re not wrong.”05abf2e07e733710

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At his resigned tone, different from the previous pressing, Amber sighed. He was tired. It wasn’t physical fatigue. Amber responded with a face that suggested he hadn’t even wanted this.54a901d1dfc7cacd

“Why don’t you have the right? You should be angry at my rudeness.”f712de693dff85f9

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Tennessee waved his hand ae10584de1 as if to say d624e29196 ‘forget it.’46b7324e762750fd

“I didn’t. How could I have?”de61371f6405da75

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Tennessee found 047183cf76 it absurd 48e22060ea when Amber 7dabe43c63 finally spoke 62775de9a2 as if 2baafb04a8 calming him. At the same time, ad91702355 Tennessee was taken aback. Because that c0cb91bca1 grinning smile, f2fef2d6a3 as if 07ef28f4fc asking if 099c6b2dc3 he had 5664420236 felt hurt, b84826fc12 somehow resembled 6c3adaab00 himself.f1727ed0ba78990a

“When did you develop this habit of giving up so easily?”7aad9a99f6583f7e

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“Just now.”c051ec988c8514dd

“I really didn’t. You can check.”80d2d26523b4fb74

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Saying it was just the smell that had stuck to him, that it wasn’t him who had done it, Amber came close telling him to check.6016f5b557834e8a

When Tennessee didn’t respond, he held out his hand. Amber approaches whining that he hadn’t done anything – not marijuana, not cocaine or heroin, nothing – showing his clean arms. Tennessee felt like he was watching the aegyo of a huge animal as Amber rubbed his high bridge of nose against Tennessee’s unresponsive shoulder like a headbutt. Tennessee pushed Amber, telling him to go away.c7760e92573bac63

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“Are you angry?”3d99d0212f1aea7a

You’re the one who’s angry. Weren’t you just over there with your arms crossed, looking sulky?90b7723c0ce2affc

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Tennessee could convey such f9088a60ad words without even opening 13a81ebf2f his mouth once, even f210dfb0c9 with just his eyes.ef2bdd49e838bc77

“I’m not.”cc1ed24ec1aa89ad

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He couldn’t bring himself to say that he was sorry Tennessee was being discharged.1101be37f36da2bf

“Stop pretending to be an adult.”47149b976bab053d

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Tennessee rebuked Amber, who 61f1299dcb had started hiding many 7533bf7dec things at some point.22080577d0bc86ba

“Will you treat 0465b824ff me better if de3452319e I act like 87ad29b9aa a child? No, you won’t.”defa2f926582793a

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“…”b8d0b83530042eab

He had never 4c0dc1c276 been able to 4200202363 win against Tennessee 7bd8c10f54 with words.81c104d45a2c9fe2

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21e5dbafe7fb9c9f