AA Chapter 1.2

The sound of gulping was heard, and after quickly finishing the carbonated drink, the child wiped his mouth. Then he glared at the cigarette between Tennessee’s fingers as if it were his sworn enemy. The child asked.

“What are you going to do with me?”

Leaning against the bed’s headboard, Tennessee watched the comedy show where they were laughing and chatting among themselves and asked an unexpected question.

“…How old are you?”

“Eleven.”

Tennessee had killed younger kids than that. It was in Afghanistan, where they had hidden an RPG-7 in their arms and tried to shoot. Though he thought it was unavoidable, sometimes empty, dead eyes would pop into his mind. Tennessee chuckled and shook his head.

“You’re probably nine.”

“I’m telling the truth. I’ve already had my birthday so I’m eleven. I’m in fifth grade.”

Tennessee looked the child up and down. He really didn’t look that age at all.

“You’re starting middle school next year?”

The child nodded. At that size and height, going to a public middle school… Tennessee clicked his tongue. Though his gaze was somewhat fierce and he seemed gutsy, kids that age are more cruel than hitmen. He might end up drinking all the toilet water right after enrollment. He was obviously going to be an easy target for bullying. It would be even worse if word got out that he was from foster care.

Still, it was fortunate he was small. Even if he was eleven, if he had been big and shown signs of being rebellious, Tennessee would have killed him right away.

“What were you planning to do?”

When asked, the child fidgeted with his fingers as Tennessee put out his cigarette,

“Why were you hiding in the car’s back seat?”

“…I was trying to escape.”

“Where to?”

The child shook his head.

“Anywhere. I couldn’t stand living there anymore, so when Mr. Hurston went out, I snuck into his car. And when the car seemed to stop, I was going to get out, but then you got in. So I couldn’t get out.”

“Why didn’t you say something right when I got in?”

“…Are you seriously asking that? Are you teaching me how to commit suicide?”

That’s quite harsh. While evaluating the child, Tennessee nodded. The child was caught because he had driven for hours almost without rest, but if it had been a normal person, they would have stopped the car earlier, and the child would have escaped in that gap.

Every time he shook his head, his black hair got messy. He looked just like… a puppy that was cute but too scruffy.

“Go wash up first.”

When Tennessee’s finger pointed to the bathroom, the child moved as told. Tennessee kept watching TV until the child went into the bathroom. Though he didn’t understand what was entertaining about this, it must be quite popular since it was on when he was deployed and still running now.

The sound of running water could be heard. While lighting a cigarette, Tennessee waited a bit longer. Then after about five minutes, he moved to the bathroom. The door was locked, but he opened it without difficulty.

The child was humming while squeezing out shampoo. Tennessee leaned against the door and slowly observed the child. When the cold breeze and faint cigarette smoke touched his bare shoulders, the child looked up and noticed Tennessee.

Confusion, humiliation, and something desperate filled his blue eyes.

“Get out.”

The child, shoulders hunched, wrapped his arms around himself. Tennessee examined the child’s shoulders and arms with mechanical eyes.

If it was just embarrassment about showing his naked body, he wouldn’t react like this. Tennessee instinctively knew the child had worse and persistent memories than other children.

“Get out!”

Tennessee approached without hesitation as the child shouted in a shrill voice. The child sat down. Though he was trembling, he quickly looked for an escape route.

Everything showed on the child’s face. Pleading, frustration, desperate survival instinct, and self-loathing for unknowingly trusting someone.

He must be cursing himself. He wasn’t entirely wrong. Tennessee’s principle was that there were no trustworthy people in this world. So he shouldn’t have trusted someone just because he gave him a few lunchables and Mountain Dew.

“Don’t, don’t do this, get out, get out!”

“Who did that?”

The child’s small body, crouched down hugging his knees, trembled violently. His arms, back, and thighs were all covered in marks. Even worse were the burn scars along his spine. The round scars dotted along were marks all over.

“Please get out.”

“Was it that Hurston guy?”

“…”

Under the falling water, the child couldn’t speak for a long while. The scars were terrible. Some were a discolored dark, while others were a healing pink.

Tennessee clicked his tongue not because of the number of scars, but their location. They weren’t randomly done. They were regularly spaced along the spine, like stepping stones. The dotted trail of scars was heartless. This wasn’t just the work of nasty teenage boys. But of someone with a bad taste. He must have savored watching the child suffer, retching at the smell of burning and despair until the end.

“I asked if it was that guy.”

The wet head nodded faintly up and down. Tennessee stood up.

“Finish washing.”

The freshly lit cigarette fell from his fingers. The cigarette made a hissing sound as it went out in the toilet. After watching Tennessee’s back, the child buried his face in his palms.

Under the shower, which was like a waterfall, the child mulled over Tennessee’s emotionless tone. He also stared endlessly at the door as if Tennessee was still standing right outside the bathroom. The child sniffled and stood up. What a strange person… Just one of those adults you can’t figure out.

When the child came out of the bathroom, Tennessee got up like a relay handoff. He went into the bathroom, took off his uncomfortable suit, and shaved the stubble that had grown overnight.

When he came out after washing up neatly, he saw something round on one side of the bed. The child had crawled under the blanket, all curled up.

He can’t be trusted either, I should run away whenever I get the chance – Tennessee smiled, thinking the child must be having thoughts like these.

“…Mr. Hurston’s friends did that too.”

Tennessee lay down after changing into comfortable clothes. Though there was just a small sound, the child’s body stiffened.

“What kind of person are you?” The child asked, wrapped up in the blanket like a cocoon. “You can get in even when the door is locked, you’re good at stealing cars, you have a gun…”

“A soldier.”

“…Shouldn’t soldiers do the opposite? Track down people who unlock doors, stop people who steal cars…”

Tennessee’s answer seemed so absurd to him that the child turned away. He confirmed there were no tear marks in the child’s eyes. Though trying to put on a strong front, in Tennessee’s eyes, the child was just barely holding back his tears, revealing his vulnerable side.

” I am a soldier.”

Lies. The child muttered and turned away again.

“Come on. We need to leave early tomorrow.”

“…”

The lights went out, and Tennessee closed his eyes in the dark room. The child didn’t show his helplessness. Fortunately, he seemed to understand that his despair might be an unnecessary irritation to others.

He fell into his familiar light sleep.

***

“Wake up.”

Tennessee nudged the child. The child immediately rubbed his eyes and got up. He had clearly had a light sleep.

“What time…”

The child buried his face in his palms after checking the clock. No matter how much he wore new clothes and washed up clean, a person’s mood can’t change. It was just morning, but as soon as he opened his eyes, the child despaired out of habit. The child exuded a great hopelessness and the distinctive resignation of someone who had lost his way.

When Tennessee told him to, the child staggered to the bathroom to wash his face. He put on his shoes and jacket with a face still heavy with drowsiness.

Was I like this too in my childhood? Tennessee often found his own image overlapping with the child’s. It wasn’t a welcome feeling for him. If the child had grown up bad-mannered instead, Tennessee wouldn’t have felt this floating sense of connection and likeness.

Tennessee remembered the large sign he’d seen on the way to the motel. It was a famous pancake house. It wasn’t the kind of atmosphere Tennessee liked. He was uncomfortable with their world of warmth, happiness, and leisure. But his younger self would surely have wanted to go there.

“Do you like that place?”

When he mentioned the name of the famous franchise, the child nodded absent-mindedly.

“Let’s go.”

“Will we come back after breakfast?”

“No, pack your things.”

The child, who nodded to himself, first grabbed the Mountain Dew he had put in the refrigerator.

“…Is he addicted?”

Since there were people addicted to Coca Cola and McDonald’s, being addicted to Mountain Dew seemed possible. However, the road to the famous franchise restaurant had been dangerous.

When the car in front suddenly cut in, Tennessee reflexively hit the brakes. With the sound of skid marks, their bodies lurched forward. The impact was strong enough that their heads hit the seat backs from the rebound. Fortunately, there wasn’t an accident, but shortly after, Tennessee had to pull over to the shoulder because the child showed him his finger covered in blood.

So that’s what hit the front seat with a thud during the sudden stop.

“Where?”

Putting the gear in P, Tennessee gestured. The child hesitantly leaned forward. Tennessee grabbed the small chin and turned his head one side to another.

“Say ah.”

“Ah?”

“Does it hurt?”

Tennessee checked the blood on his finger. Blood was flowing like a gust between white teeth. He experimentally grabbed and wiggled one small bloody tooth.

“Ahuh.”

“Was this loose already?”

The child nodded. Even though he wasn’t an expert, it was clear that the loose tooth was a baby tooth, not a permanent one. Tennessee applied pressure with his finger and pulled before the child could realize what was happening.

“Ow!”

The baby tooth fell into his palm along with a bit of flesh. Tennessee tossed the bloody tooth carelessly into the child’s lap and turned away. His attitude was as casual as opening a can for someone.

“That hurt!”

“I just pulled it out for you.”

After thinking for a moment, Tennessee turned the car back to the motel. Fortunately, the key was still in the door as the manager hadn’t checked them out.

Tennessee took out the first aid kit from the bathroom. Behind him followed the child, whose head seemed ready to burst with discontent. His expression showed he wanted to protest right away but couldn’t. An honestly dissatisfied face. When he gave him gauze to bite on, the child muttered.

“I can do this kind of thing myself.”

Tennessee couldn’t help but laugh. But seeing the child with a complex expression – whether it was hurt, betrayal, or just anger – a playfulness he didn’t know existed poked arose.

“Put your tooth under the pillow.”

Though it was a shabby motel, at least it had pillows and beds. At Tennessee’s tone, which was plain, the child frowned, unsure if he was joking or serious.

“You mean for the tooth fairy to take it?”

The child’s expression twisted like a discarded Mountain Dew can, convinced he was laughing at him.

“I’m too old to believe in that stuff.”

To hear such words from a kid in his early teens. Tennessee’s tone now held clear playfulness.

“Don’t tell me you don’t believe in the Easter Bunny either?”

“…”

“Santa?”

“Absolutely not.”

If the child had said he believed in such things, Tennessee would have seriously doubted his intelligence. He also seemed like a child who couldn’t afford the luxury of innocence.

“I used to believe.”

The child slumped down on the bed. One shoelace hung long, loosely tied.

“At Christmas, I hung up a stocking and waited, but Derek found it, tore it up, and shoved it in my mouth. Said he’d kill me if I screamed.”

There was no reaction from Tennessee as he put away the first aid kit, so the child couldn’t tell if he was just talking to himself.

“Then he hit me… I don’t believe in that stuff.”

I said too much. Like an idiot. Stupidly, naively. As soon as he spilled what was in his heart, the child immediately berated and regretted it.

Though he hadn’t hit him, he didn’t seem to have a good temperament either. Surely he won’t think I’m trying to take advantage of this moment of weakness, will he? The child glanced up like a cautious dog. But Tennessee, still in the bathroom, showed no particular reaction.

How stupid. Really stupid. Why did I do that? Should have kept quiet. The child pressed his lips together. The gauze tasted of blood. When Tennessee had placed the gauze, there was a faint smell of cigarettes. Though it was a smell he hated to death, it was equally familiar.

But Tennessee’s cigarette smell wasn’t musty, nor did it feel stale or dirty. Rather, there was a strange sweetness at his fingertips. Perhaps it was this unfamiliar quality that made him speak up. Now the child bit his lips.

‘Do you want me to comfort you?’

He wished he could have heard such a bad response. How foolish must he have looked? Maybe he had looked like a dog begging for affection and wagging its tail at anyone. Did he seem like he wanted to be comforted and treated as someone special?

Please say something.

Just as the child squeezed his eyes shut, the cigarette smell brushed his nose again. The child’s eyes flew open. Tennessee was suddenly standing right in front of hin. With a cigarette in his mouth, he looked down with dead eyes that revealed not a single emotion.

Tennessee forcibly opened the child’s hand who was looking up at him with hazy eyes. The pulled tooth was still there with blood stains. Like an exchange, Tennessee took the tooth and opened his wallet.

Since cards could be traced, Tennessee did most transactions in cash. Though he sometimes received gold, artwork, or bonds as payment for jobs, he preferred cash and always kept a certain amount in his wallet. Looking at his wallet, Tennessee clicked his tongue. Come to think of it, he might have put all his change in the tip box.

“100 dollars. I’ll give it to you, take it.”

The child couldn’t believe the current situation. He was so shocked he was rather dumbfounded. Though the Benjamin on the bill had a benevolent smile, the child wanted to tear up the paper and throw it right in Tennessee’s smug face.

“Do you think I told that story to get this kind of money…!”

“The tooth fairy.”

Tennessee lit a cigarette and put the child’s baby tooth in his pocket.

Tooth… what? The child was lost in a mix of all sorts of emotions and thoughts, bewildered about whether to be angry or dumbfounded. Watching the child fumbling with his lips, Tennessee lit a cigarette.

“If you’re done squeezing out blood and tears, let’s go get breakfast.”

Watching Tennessee’s back as he left after saying his piece, the child gaped helplessly. He’d wanted to get angry at his annoying prank, but it felt like he’d been hit hard in the back of the head. Hit so hard his skull rang, enough to forget he’d meant to be angry. The child followed Tennessee with a deeply furrowed face.

After facing the unexpected hurdle of his tooth being taken out, he arrived at the famous pancake house. The child ate enthusiastically, and by the time he got back in the car, he started nodding off.

Watching the small doll-like head wobble before leaning askew against the window, Tennessee gently pressed the brake. With a screech, his body lurched slightly forward and the child opened his eyes.

“Put on your seatbelt.”

Tennessee clicked his tongue, wondering if he still hadn’t learned even after just having a tooth pulled. The child glared at Tennessee’s annoying mouth which was holding a cigarette, but still fastened his seatbelt. After all, he wanted to live.

“How much further do we have to go?”

He had wondered when this question would come. Tennessee had been driving for over half a day. Though they had stopped to eat meals and use the bathroom, otherwise he had driven without rest. While Tennessee didn’t feel boredom, it was different for the child stuck in the back seat.

He spent the first few hours well enough sleeping, but after lunch and brushing his teeth, he was completely awake. Having seen enough scenery to last a lifetime, the child shifted around as he grumbled inside.

Finally unable to overcome the boredom after enduring for 12 hours, the child asked his first question. Tennessee’s blue eyes appeared in the rearview mirror. The child behind him heaved a deep sigh and lay down completely in the back seat.

“If you’re bored, play a game or something.”

“…Do you have a phone?”

The child sat up eagerly but deflated at the sight of Tennessee’s burner phone and flopped back down listlessly.

“There’s nothing to play on it.”

“Play I spy then.”

…Are you joking? The child asked with his eyes. He seriously wondered if Tennessee saw him as a preschooler.

Tennessee gave the child Mountain Dew to shut him up. Of course, the child took it eagerly. He didn’t need to see the situation in the back seat to know what was happening. The sound of opening the can, the refreshing gulping of the drink.

Now that he looked, the gap where the tooth had been made the child look quite cute when he spoke, making Tennessee smile. The dark empty space made him look quite mischievous. Who would have thought the heavy air of gloom and despair would fade so much just from losing one tooth? Perhaps this is why children recover faster.

Tennessee wondered if such a transformation was possible in his own life. Could his spirits be lifted by removing, adding, or changing just one thing?

Though it seemed impossible for himself, the child might achieve it effortlessly. Tennessee watched the child’s swaying feet in his view as he momentarily forgot his boredom over a can of drink.

“Can you at least turn on the radio?”

“It’s distracting.”

“Please?”

The child pressed his hands together and asked again. When saying ‘Please,’ his mouth stretched horizontally into a smile. His gums showed through the gap where the tooth had been. Although he was annoyed, Tennessee turned on the radio. A famous song played. It was one Tennessee had heard a few times too.

Tennessee thought it was a new song, but apparently not to the child, who sang along despite looking tired of it. He bobbed his head and swayed his body lightly. The child was quite good at following even the fast rap parts. Though he missed some parts, presumably not knowing all the lyrics, that much could be overlooked as adorable.

For the first time, something other than smoke flowed through the open window. He’s talented. Tennessee listened to the voice confidently following the soft parts of the song.

“Next channel!”

And quite demanding. His hand naturally turned the channel without even trying to scold him.

***

By the time the sun had completely set, Tennessee stopped at a gas station situated on a quiet street. They were out of gas and needed to buy water.

“Stay here.”

As he was telling the child this while filling up with gas, the child asked, “Can’t I come too?” The bright tone that had been ordering him to change the channel earlier was gone, replaced by an attitude that expected rejection. Tennessee checked their appearances. With casual clothes and similar looks, they weren’t a particularly eye-catching combination.

“If you want.”

As soon as permission was granted, the child threw his arms wide in joy as if he’d arrived in paradise. Yay! As if Tennessee’s reluctant nod was some grand prize.

“Don’t buy too much.”

Though it was just a small convenience store without many items anyway, the child’s eyes were already full of excitement. The child’s hand, which had been reaching for two packs of Mountain Dew, paused at Tennessee’s warning. There was absolutely no reason to, but Tennessee felt needlessly guilty and added,

“I don’t have money.”

Liar! Liar!

The child had seen the hundred dollar bills coming out of the black wallet during the tooth fairy exchange. But Tennessee didn’t have any obligation to buy these things for him. The child quickly gave up and put the drinks back.

“…Just get them.”

Tennessee tossed out the words casually. Of course, the child’s face lit up. Tennessee watched as the excited child ran around.

Tennessee’s attitude toward shopping was consistent and firm. Briefly, just what was needed. So shopping never took more than ten minutes.

Tennessee looked at his wristwatch and gave a hollow laugh. Thirty minutes had already passed since entering the convenience store. Thirty minutes had passed like three minutes without doing anything.

Can I get this?

No.

How about this?

Yes.

Should I put this back?

That was all the conversation they’d had, just watching the kid run around excitedly, yet time had flown by. And what the child had brought now was also a problem.

Tennessee preferred to eat simply. Meals were more of a duty than a desire, and he didn’t like foods full of sugar and salt. But recently, adapting to the child’s tastes by buying sugary drinks and eating pancakes and omelets, his body felt heavy. Even now, what the child had brought was piled with all sorts of high-calorie sugar bombs.

“Put these back.”

“But you said I could get them earlier…”

“Are you talking back?”

“No.”

If Tennessee had to make an excuse, he thought the kid would pick just one of them, not bring all of them to the counter.

With slumped shoulders, Tennessee finished calculating while the kid brought the items. Among all those things, Tennessee’s items were just water, beer, and cigarettes.

He had arrived in Texas, but it would take a few more hours to reach Austin. Tennessee checked the time. If they had driven non-stop and eaten meals in the car, it was a distance they could have covered in two days. Having unexpectedly gained a passenger, it took twice as long.

Even though the kid had more patience than others his age, there were limits, so he needed time to get out, get some fresh air, and let the kid move around. The good thing was that now that they had reached Texas, he no longer needed to worry about the police.

As soon as Tennessee got out of the driver’s seat after parking the car, the kid sensed it. That Tennessee would say those words. The words ‘Stay here.’

“Stay here.”

Stay here.

The kid silently mouthed Tennessee’s words and nodded. Tennessee didn’t smile at the kid’s behavior and took out a gun from his pocket.

Although the gun wasn’t pointed at him, the kid instantly felt like he’d been doused with cold water and looked up at Tennessee. For a moment, the kid thought Tennessee was going to shoot him. But soon realized it was the opposite.

“Do you know how to shoot?”

The kid shook his head with a frightened face. Tennessee surveyed the empty alley. Texas’s murder rate was twelve per hundred thousand people, much lower than the neighboring Louisiana, but it still wasn’t a place where one could feel safe. Gang territory disputes weren’t uncommon, and innocent bystanders getting caught in crossfire happened frequently.

Tennessee placed the gun in the kid’s hands. Despite turning pale, the kid didn’t let go in shock. It was these eyes. When the kid held the gun and looked up at him, Tennessee felt a strange thrill at that gaze. It was a kind of vicarious satisfaction.

The desire to live, to exist, was burning within the kid. It was an aspiration that Tennessee, who lived out of obligation, couldn’t find in his own reflection. He didn’t want to extinguish this passion that was just beginning to burn in someone who hadn’t yet oxidized like himself.

“Release this here, that’s right.”

Tennessee made the kid hold the gun with both hands and demonstrated by moving his hands himself. The kid’s underdeveloped hands overlapped with Tennessee’s white ones. Even though the gun was pointed at himself, Tennessee calmly instructed without showing any tension.

“If you have to, just shoot.”

“…Where are you going?”

Tennessee dropped his cigarette butt with a long sigh and didn’t answer.

“I’ll be back soon. Stay hidden until then.”

This place in particular was not a good area. The kid blankly watched Tennessee check another gun. He was still gripping the gun tightly with both hands. As if it was his last.

The kid must have sensed the importance the moment he was handed the gun. Perhaps he felt they should say their final goodbye to make sure he understood the weight of that moment. Tennessee felt sorry for the kid, but he deliberately didn’t say anything reassuring. If things went badly, this really could be the last time.

Tennessee, who had turned away, came back after just a few steps and pressed down on the kid’s head, which was sticking out like a mole.

“Keep your head down and just stay hidden.”

Nod, nod. The kid complied with obvious tension on his face.