SHLF Ch 1

There are people who remain awkward no matter how many times you meet them.

“…….”

“…….”

I was smoking, unable to bear the boredom any longer, and next to me stood him, blankly, for 30 minutes. When will they arrive? I flicked the ash off the end of my completely burned-down cigarette with my fingernail, resenting Gitae and Mooyoung, who still hadn’t arrived long after the appointed time. I’m not much of a talker. But with people I’m close to, I’m quite the chatterbox. However, occasionally, there are people like this who make me uncomfortable.

“Your boyfriend is late.”

A crew cut, deeply tanned skin, taller than me, but on the thin side, so at first glance, I look healthier. But this guy is probably healthier. Mooyoung bragged that his thin frame is all muscle.

“He’ll be here soon.”

I completely extinguished the cigarette with my fingertips and put the butt in my pocket. If Gitae finds out later, he’ll nag me again about my dirty pockets, but I can’t help my habit. When I first learned to smoke, a strict senior wouldn’t let me throw butts on the ground, and it stuck with me. As I took my hand out of my pocket, I noticed his gaze following my movements. With a ‘Why?’ look in my eyes, I looked up at him, and his rustic, dark face deepened in color as he shook his head. It probably took me quite a while to realize that’s how he blushes. He mainly blushes like that in front of Mooyoung, but he occasionally does it when he makes eye contact with me or other gay men. He probably hasn’t been aware of being gay for long, and Mooyoung seems to be his first partner. He’s still awkward, unsure how to treat others like him. That’s why, even though he’s tall as a beanpole, he feels young. Well, he’s only a senior in high school, so he’s definitely young. I don’t know how dumbfounded Gitae and I looked when Mooyoung first brought him along. Mooyoung still laughs when he describes our expressions then, but even now, I wonder why he’s kept this young kid around for so long. Mooyoung, whom I met through Gitae, was a self-proclaimed player who changed partners several times a month. His good looks played a part, but so did his renown as a composer. Most people our age are still students, just starting or preparing for something, so the fact that he’s already reached a level of success is definitely attractive. He works with famous singers you only see on TV and earns enough to live in a fancy officetel. This goes beyond envy or jealousy to the point where I draw a line, thinking he’s on a different level than me. Mooyoung is well aware of how others perceive him, so he’s always full of confidence. His capricious behavior is always perceived as the typical prickliness of an artist, and his blunt speech leaves a cool impression. I sometimes admire that personality, but I don’t like it. I feel an inexplicable aversion to Mooyoung. I envy him, but I keep my distance, as if acknowledging I can’t be like him. Even though we hang out together because of Gitae, I still can’t fully accept him as one of my own. Having grown up normally under a conservative father, I felt his love life was promiscuous. And the person this Mooyoung has been dating for over three months is the kid in front of me. A high school senior, an athlete no less, so they can only see each other late at night, and only has time for dates like this once a week during the day.

Tap.

The kid finally walked to the side of the road and stared intently at the speeding cars. After 30 minutes, the kid was clearly anxious. It’s not like it’s the first time the two of them have been late, but every time, he worries like this. At times like this, I remember what Mooyoung said. He enjoys the passion of someone running towards him, eyes only for him.

“Gitae’s driving, so it’ll be fine.”

The two, friends since middle school, sometimes spend more time together than with their respective boyfriends, me and the kid. Some people have warned me to be wary of them because of this. Am I jealous because of that? No. I don’t doubt because I’m certain. Gitae definitely likes me. As much as I like him.

“They’re here.”

As I pointed to the foreign car approaching the roadside, a foolish smile spread across the kid’s face. He’s completely like a puppy waiting for his mother. I looked at him with curious eyes, then turned my head. Sometimes, the kid shows an almost blind focus on his partner. As if he’s throwing his whole being into loving them. The reason I find this fascinating is probably because I can’t do that. Is it because I’m a coward, or is my love still insufficient? The car stopped in front of us, and a tall man got out of the driver’s seat. He smirked as soon as he saw me. Recognizing the warmth within that arrogant smile, I smiled back. I do love him, at least for now. This amazing guy.

‘Ziiiing~’

The band’s performance ended with the flowing sound of an electric guitar. The applause and cheers from the audience were louder than usual, probably because of the new guitarist.

“Don’t you think Gitae is being a bit of a show-off? It’s annoying, isn’t it?”

Mooyoung took a sip of his beer and gestured towards the stage. Gitae was handing the guitar back to its original owner and exchanging a few words. Mooyoung might be right. Just by standing on stage, he seems to be showing off, saying, ‘I can play awesomely even if I suddenly get on stage.’ But what can you do even if it’s annoying? He has the skills to back it up. Tall, handsome, and a rich kid who can do anything.

“Yeah, it’s annoying.”

When I gave a short reply, Mooyoung burst out laughing, his delicate face contorted into a comical expression.

“Haha~ Hey! Kwon Gitae! Your boyfriend says you’re annoying.”

Mooyoung shouted at Gitae, who was walking towards the table. Gitae, who had stopped in his tracks, stood behind the sofa where I was sitting and wrapped his arm around me.

“Hmm, still annoying?”

He nibbled on my earlobe as he spoke in a low voice. Soon, catcalls and whistles were heard around us. I’m still awkward with public displays of affection, so I shrugged my shoulders and pushed Gitae’s head away with my hand.

“Get off.”

Oops, I thought. I spoke coldly again. Sometimes I want to be like Mooyoung. Unreserved with everyone, smiling easily, and a good talker. But even to someone I like, these blunt words slip out. Feeling sorry, I quickly turned my head, but Gitae, as if used to it, just ruffled my hair. I followed him with my eyes as he moved away from me, suppressing my self-reproach. I want to be affectionate regardless of what others think. As he sat down next to me, I muttered “Sorry,” and Gitae smirked again. Sometimes I can’t take my eyes off him. He, radiating light so brilliantly, unbelievably shows that smile only to me.

“Tch, we know you two are dating, so stop being so lovey-dovey, you bastards.”

The wad of napkins Mooyoung threw scattered in front of me. While I bent down to pick them up, I heard Gitae scolding Mooyoung, “You’re the lovey-dovey one.” I glanced up and saw Mooyoung’s hand intertwined with someone else’s. The kid’s hand, tanned as dark as his face and with prominently thick bones, was intertwined like tree roots with Mooyoung’s relatively white hand. The kid always sits quietly even when meeting Mooyoung’s friends, but his hand grips his partner tighter than anyone else. He’s been seeing Mooyoung’s friends, including Gitae and me, for three months, so he should be able to join the conversation casually, but he doesn’t say a word, perhaps due to his quiet nature. So, everyone tends to treat him like he’s half-witted. Now, no one cares that he’s here. As if to say, what could a dumb jock possibly have to say? But every time I see his tightly clasped hand, I think the opposite. I wonder if the reason the kid can’t blend in with us is because he’s too focused on one person. Pouring all his energy into Mooyoung, oblivious to his own state, no matter who’s around.

“Are you tired?”

Gitae and Mooyoung, who were in conversation, turned their heads at my question. Gitae’s guitar skills are quite good, even for a hobby, so he often helped Mooyoung with his recordings. So, music is mostly their topic of conversation, so my question was naturally directed at the kid. But the person in question was only staring at Mooyoung with a half-absent look. And I was looking at the kid. When their gazes followed mine to him, the kid finally reacted. Blink, blink, the kid looked around at us with bewildered eyes, as if asking what was going on.

“Seoin asked if you’re tired. Are you tired?”

Mooyoung put his hand on the kid’s face as he asked. Even under the dim lighting, I could see the kid’s sleepy eyes change, sparkling. It was the same shy and excited look he had when he first started dating Mooyoung three months ago, so I couldn’t hide my fascination. The kid’s love was like a battery that never runs out. Maintaining its initial size.

“I’m tired too.”

An arm draped heavily over my shoulder, pulling me closer. I chuckled at the whisper in my ear and turned to look at the face that had come close.

“From playing?”

I asked playfully, and a smile spread across his dark eyes. Did I just ramble about someone else’s love and batteries running out? It wasn’t something I, whose heart still races just from seeing my partner smile, should say. His gaze fell to my lips, which had curved up on their own accord. I knew, without being told, that Gitae was about to kiss me. Even though this is a gay club and the atmosphere is such that anyone can freely kiss, I had never done it. Gitae knew I didn’t like it, so he always stopped at a certain point. But the guilt I felt for being cold to him earlier seemed to have a rebound effect. Instead of pushing him away, I tilted my head to the side, and Gitae’s eyes widened with a smile. Just seeing his happy expression before our lips met took my breath away. Whether it’s three months or a year, the initial excitement and fluttering definitely don’t disappear. I forgot where I was as his hot tongue parted my lips and entered. Gitae, reacting to my enthusiastic response, turned his body and pushed me down almost as if laying me down. I should have stopped him because of his heavy weight on top of me, but instead, I lost my mind and pulled him closer. It felt like I had briefly slipped into a gap in time and space and come back out. The next thing I remember is Gitae looking down at me with longing eyes after the kiss ended. Loud whistles followed close behind.

“Whew~! Wow~ Kwon Gitae, after cherishing him so carefully for a year, has he finally exploded?”

Dongho, a friend of Mooyoung’s who often hangs out with us, suddenly poked his face in. He’s a familiar face at the club, so even if I don’t like him, I have to get along with him. Thanks to him, my momentarily dazed mind returned to reality. I pushed Gitae, who was still looking down at me, and sat up, turning my head to avoid the embarrassment. Thankfully, Gitae responded to Dongho’s fuss as if it were nothing.

“Shut up, you bastard. Why are you alone today? Where’s your boyfriend?”

“Boyfriend? You mean that Sungsu bastard? Hey, fuck, that guy’s not my boyfriend. I’m just taking him around because he likes me. That bastard is my stalker! A stalker!”

His words, filled with annoyance and arrogance, made me frown. It probably wasn’t obvious, but I cooled the heat that had risen to my face and turned to Dongho. Sungsu, the person he was talking about, was quiet and nerdy, only appearing when Dongho called him. Then aren’t you the stalker? However, my eyes, which were about to glare at Dongho with a frown, stopped midway. I inadvertently met a gaze as I turned my head. Mooyoung was staring intently at me with a blank expression. With a chilling gaze I’d never seen before.

What kind of worries do most sophomore college guys have? The pressure of getting a job is less intense, so they’re busy enjoying the freedom of being a college student, without any grand worries about the future. Their future worries are limited to things like when to enlist in the military or whether they might be exempt due to some unknown medical condition. I was no different. I didn’t plan my life by imagining myself ten years down the line. Thirty-one years old was a distant future I couldn’t even picture. I vaguely imagined that by that age, I’d naturally be settled and doing something cool. It’s not that I didn’t have dreams, but at 21, the future wasn’t yet a pressing matter. My friends at the time were all similar, I think. Just wanting to enjoy life a little more while dating, hoping exams would end soon and summer break would arrive.

“Did you finish Professor Song’s assignment?”

The library was so crowded that it was hard to find an empty seat, as it was the beginning of final exam week. Since I knew it was better to give up if I hadn’t secured a spot early, I was walking towards the school gate with a classmate.

“Yeah, sort of. But there’s still a lot to revise.”

As I checked my watch and quickened my pace, my classmate exclaimed, calling me a traitor. No matter how much he complained, I had to get a good grade on Professor Song’s assignment, so I lightly ignored him. Needless to say, it wasn’t ‘sort of’ done; I’d stayed up for three nights straight and finished it perfectly. On top of it being exam week, I hadn’t seen Gitae for over a week because of this assignment. So, even though my exams weren’t over yet, I was looking forward to today. I still had exams left, but Gitae’s were finishing today, and he was supposed to come here right after. I stopped at the crowded school gate and looked around. At my movement, my classmate muttered in a panicked voice.

“Whoa! Hey, let’s go! Yonggu hyung is there. We can’t get caught.”

I stopped looking for Gitae and turned my head in the direction my classmate was looking. Yonggu hyung was a teaching assistant in our department. He was a bit of a goofball, but not someone who would harm others.

“Why Yonggu hyung?”

But my classmate pushed my shoulder again and moved towards the edge of the gate.

“It’s almost summer break, right? Yonggu hyung is recruiting slaves for Professor Lee’s summer project again.”

Slaves? As I asked, my classmate lowered his voice.

“He tricks them by calling it ‘field experience,’ then makes them work like dogs without proper pay. It’s a ‘training camp,’ so they can’t escape, he keeps watch. There was a senior who risked his life to escape. It’s not like it’s just happened to one or two seniors.”

“I haven’t heard anything like that.”

“Of course not! Damn it. Yonggu hyung only tells the easy targets so he can send them. He said you were too handsome to suit manual labor. Is he kidding, really!”

Since my agitated classmate looked like he might suggest grabbing a drink, I quickly mentioned my plans.

“You go ahead. I’m waiting for someone.”

My classmate, who was puzzled and asked, “Who?” immediately caught on.

“Ah~ Is that rich friend of yours picking you up again?”

I nodded at his question, laced with envy and jealousy, and diligently searched for Gitae’s car with my eyes. Fortunately, as if he had found me first, Gitae’s car slowly approached the school gate. A sleek foreign car that anyone would look back at. I said goodbye to my classmate and was about to walk forward when he spoke first.

“But that rich friend’s boyfriend must really hate you. Picking up his friend every day like a boyfriend.”

Because I am his boyfriend. Instead of saying words I couldn’t, I said, “Shut up,” pretended to hit him, and tried to step forward again, but hesitated. My classmate, rubbing his arm where I had hit him, chuckled.

“Well, if the boyfriend is a perfect being like that, rich and handsome, maybe he’s already given up. Accepted that he can never fully have him.”

“Did you do badly on the exam?”

A soft voice came shortly after the car started. I turned my gaze from the window and looked at Gitae’s profile. Gitae, a picture-perfect handsome man, glanced at me and asked again.

“Did you fail the exam?”

“No.”

“Then why are you down?”

Well, why is that? I knew it was because of my classmate’s words, but I put it aside and muttered lightly.

“Must be gravity.”

A chuckle, seeing Gitae’s lips curve up, lifted my heavy mood. The insecurity of having a perfect boyfriend vanished with just one smile. I even had the absurd thought that I might forgive him for anything, even his mistakes, if I saw that smile. I must have smiled too. Gitae, stopping the car at a red light, turned fully towards me.

“It’s driving me crazy. Why does my heart still race when I see you smile?”

I told him to cut the cheesy talk, but I couldn’t stop smiling either. Gitae, who was looking at me quietly, asked lightly,

“You have your passport, right?”

“Yeah, why?”

“So I can see you smile every day during summer break.”

What does that have to do with my passport? I was about to ask, but then it dawned on me. He’s talking about a trip. The immediate thought that popped into my head was ‘What about the travel expenses?’ But Gitae continued to talk about his plan as if it were nothing.

“Let’s go to Europe together. It would be nice to stay at a decent hotel in the Mediterranean for a few weeks. We can travel to any place you want to see. On the way back, it might be fun to stop by Egypt and see the desert. Why are you laughing?”

Of course, I had to laugh.

“You’re talking so unrealistically.”

“What’s unrealistic about it? Don’t you want to travel?”

No, who wouldn’t want to? I shook my head and explained that it’s difficult for a commoner like me to travel without preparation, and added,

“Don’t even think about saying you’ll cover the expenses. I don’t want to receive that kind of money.”

“Then get a part-time job.”

“Okay, I’ll get a part-time job, so let’s travel next year or…”

“A part-time job helping someone who can’t live without you.”

“…….”

“Or a part-time job saving someone who cries every day when he can’t see you?”

Gitae’s lips formed a pleasant smile.

“I’m asking you this as a favor. So let’s go together.”

When I hesitated without answering, his hand came up to my face.

“While we’re at it, I have another favor to ask.”

What is it? I asked with my eyes, and a lowered voice flowed from him.

“Don’t go to the military.”

“…….”

“I talked to my father, and he said he’d take care of it. He hates the military, says it’s a waste of time. Get checked by a doctor he knows. If you don’t get exempted, he said he’d get you into a place where you can commute from home.”

This wasn’t the first time I’d heard this. However, it was the first time I couldn’t answer. Before, when Gitae brought this up, I would get angry, putting my pride forward. But now, perhaps because the imminent military issue felt real, or perhaps because of my desire to keep my perfect boyfriend by my side a little longer, I couldn’t easily refuse. Staring blankly at the road ahead, I asked when the car stopped again due to traffic,

“What did you tell your father? That you wanted to help a friend?”

It was simple curiosity. I’d only told a few close friends that I’m gay; my family doesn’t know. So, I was just curious. Could Gitae’s father do something like this for his son’s friend? Gitae’s answer came surprisingly easily.

“No. I told him I wanted to help my boyfriend.”

Suddenly, a chill ran down my spine. He said I’m his boyfriend? As I looked back with disbelieving eyes, Gitae smirked.

“It’s okay. Your father won’t come looking for you.”

“….Why?”

“He doesn’t care.”

The answer sounded casual. During the year and a half I’d been seeing him, the few times the topic of his father came up, it was always this dry. But this time, I couldn’t just brush it off. Because I was involved, at least.

“He doesn’t care even though he knows I’m a man?”

Perhaps noticing my voice hardening, Gitae smiled gently.

“Don’t worry. He won’t care in the future either.”

“I’m not worried about that. But your father should care, shouldn’t he? Isn’t that how it should be?”

“He doesn’t. Why? Isn’t it good? It’s better than him bothering us to break up.”

“…….”

“As long as I do what I’m supposed to, he doesn’t care.”

What are you supposed to do? As I asked aloud, Gitae shrugged, answering playfully,

“Study hard since I’m a student?”

When I didn’t laugh and just kept looking at him, he finally spoke seriously.

“Follow the plan he set out.”

“What plan?”

This time, the answer didn’t come immediately. Just when I thought I wouldn’t get an answer because Gitae had kept his mouth shut for so long, his voice came.

“After graduating from college, go to the US and get an MBA. Get a few years of practical experience at the branch office there, then return to Korea at 30 and start serious management training. By 35, transfer over half of the shares through the subsidiary I create, and at 40, become the president of the entire group. By 50, raise the company to the top of the industry.”

The words flowing smoothly from his mouth sounded like a foreign language. I couldn’t even imagine what I’d be doing after graduation, but to have a plan until 50, a life on a completely different level… It hit me again that the person in front of me was from a different world. I just thought of him as the son of a wealthy family. When he mentioned his father’s company, I hadn’t heard of it, so I assumed it was a small or medium-sized enterprise. It turned out to be a solid, mid-sized company in that industry, but it was still unfamiliar to me. But even if it were a small or medium-sized enterprise, their class was different. I was more concerned about Gitae’s attitude towards accepting it than the surprising future he had described.

“So you’re saying you’ll do just that?”

“Yeah. What’s the problem?”

Yeah, there’s no problem. But….

“What if you find something you want to do?”

“Then I’ll do it.”

He answered easily and smiled at me again, not understanding my concern.

“I’m already doing everything I want to do while studying. Playing guitar, staying up all night drinking and having fun, dating you.”

“But that won’t be the center of your life.”

Gitae stopped smiling and suddenly pulled the car over to the side of the road. His eyes, turned towards me after he completely turned off the engine, were filled with firmness.

“It’s just a small sacrifice for what’s necessary. Everyone lives like that. The company where they spend most of their day is the center of their lives, but there are very few people who truly wanted to do that job, right? But no one thinks it’s wrong. You can do what you want to do as a hobby. My father doesn’t interfere with my life, and in return, I take over the company as he wishes. What’s wrong with that? I don’t particularly dislike it. Besides,”

Gitae put his hand on my shoulder and brought his face closer.

“I can easily solve your military problem.”

He smiled softly and kissed me, but my body stiffened. I actually wanted to ask this question. If marrying a woman is part of the life your father planned for you, am I just your hobby?

Two more liberal arts exams were left next week, but since they were all electives, I felt no pressure about drinking at the club. However, I wasn’t enjoying myself. I hadn’t shown any sign to Gitae after our conversation in the car, but my mood hadn’t improved. The fortunate thing was that I’m not usually very lively, so no one noticed. Or rather, it might be uncomfortable if others didn’t notice my mood.

“Kekeke~ Look at that bastard. Hey, look over there. That clueless old man is here again.”

Gitae had briefly left to greet a few musicians Mooyoung had brought along. Thanks to that, I was half-heartedly listening to Dongho’s unpleasant words. He’s the kind of guy who doesn’t usually care about other people’s feelings, so even if I glared at him, he probably wouldn’t notice.

“If he’s already thirty, he should be at a nursing home, why does he keep coming here and muddying the waters?”

Dongho’s eyes, half-glazed from alcohol, were directed towards the entrance. At the end of his gaze, a man I’d seen a few times at the club was looking around in a suit. Someone I had no connection with and had never spoken to. Naturally, there was no reason to pay attention to him, but Dongho wasn’t like that. As always, he took an interest, looking for flaws even in strangers.

“If he’s going to come here, he should at least dress properly. Where does he even buy a cheap suit like that? Hey, do you know that old man doesn’t even have a car? Kekeke… At his age, no car. And he lives in a rented apartment. Truly pathetic. He works at some unheard-of hole-in-the-wall company and had the nerve to give his business card to Master, as if it were something to brag about. If it were me, I’d be too embarrassed to show my face, but that old man is thick-skinned. Just looking at his face annoys me.”

Normally, I would have ignored him. I wasn’t close to Dongho, and even when we were together, I only responded to him. But perhaps because I was in a bad mood that day, a sharp voice escaped my lips without me realizing it.

“If he annoys you that much, ignore him.”

“What?”

“Ignore him.”

I looked him straight in the eye and spoke coldly. Dongho, who seemed half-drunk, straightened up from where he was leaning against the sofa at my response. It seemed he wasn’t hanging out with Mooyoung and Gitae just because they were rich. His sharply changed eyes glared at me warningly.

“Lee Seoin. Lower your gaze while I’m still being nice. You seem to be mistaken, thinking you’re in the same league as us because you hang out with Gitae, but you’re nothing but Gitae’s pretty-faced boyfriend. Got it?”

Although his tongue was slightly slurred due to the alcohol, his voice was threatening enough. As a spoiled only child, he was quick to use his fists when things didn’t go his way, and he’d caused a few fights at the club. So, responding to him here might lead to a troublesome situation. It wasn’t new that he considered me to be in a different league, and there was no need to get angry about it now. So, I tried to get up and leave, but his following words stopped me.

“Oh, right. You’re not even a boyfriend. You’re just Gitae’s plaything. You and that athletic kid are their toys. Wagging your tails happily without even knowing what they’re doing… Ugh! What the?!”

Dongho, grabbed by the collar by me, shouted, his mouth reeking of alcohol. But I deliberately tightened my grip, putting pressure on his throat.

“What do you mean by that?”

“What? Cough… Fuck, let go… Ugh!”

“What do you mean, ‘what they’re doing’? Explain yourself!”

Normally, I would have dismissed it as his nonsense. He was the kind of guy who made up stories to put others down, so I would have thought it wasn’t worth listening to. But my bad mood that day made me act out of character. Of course, I didn’t really suspect his words. I was just reacting to him picking a fight with me, wanting to vent my frustration. Perhaps that’s why, seeing him struggle to free himself from my grip, I felt pathetic and loosened my grip a little. Then, in an annoyed voice, I asked again,

“What are Gitae and Mooyoung doing?”

“Ah, fuck… Sob… This bastard, let go!”

“You have to answer before I let go. Or were you just spouting nonsense?”

“What? Nonsense? You son of a bitch, without knowing anything… Ugh! Who’s the idiot spouting nonsense without knowing what they’re doing?!”

His struggling voice was lost in the loud music, but it was enough to notice something was strange. Even though I had him by the collar, his voice was laced with a mocking disdain. That’s when I started to feel really strange. I lowered my raised voice and asked again.

“What are they doing?”

“Fuck, those two have always been…”

Always been what? I strained my ears, but I couldn’t hear what followed. He suddenly stopped talking, having been raising his voice in anger. His alcohol-clouded eyes suddenly hardened. As if he had suddenly come to his senses, Dongho closed his mouth. I was the one who was flustered by his actions. Even while getting angry, I firmly believed his words were nonsense. But now, he was acting like there was something to it. Why? My agitated mood suddenly cooled down.

“What do you mean, ‘always been’?”

“…….”

“What do you mean, ‘always been’?”

As I gripped Dongho’s collar tighter, he cursed softly and averted his gaze.

“Fuck, it’s nothing. Just… those two have always been close.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“Ah, fuck! That’s all!”

Dongho shouted loudly and pushed me away. Since my grip had already weakened, I was easily pushed back by his force. Thud, I landed on the sofa and glared at him, but he had completely turned his back to me. However, his reddened face, perhaps due to embarrassment, was clearly visible even under the dim lighting. Is there really something going on? My suspicions grew. I was about to call out to him when he suddenly looked behind me and shouted,

“Hey, you bastard! I called you ages ago, why are you only here now?”

I turned my head and saw Sungsu, Dongho’s boyfriend, standing awkwardly stiff. The interesting thing was, as soon as he made eye contact with me, he quickly averted his gaze. When a mumbled excuse, “It’s exam period…” came from Sungsu’s mouth, Dongho yelled at him some more, then stumbled away. Watching him leave as if running away, I asked Sungsu,

“Do you know?”

“Know, know what?”

Short, about 167cm, and thin. His perpetually timid and insecure demeanor only gave the impression of a pitiful guy who gets constantly scolded by Dongho. I didn’t see him often because Dongho only called him when he didn’t have another boyfriend. But technically, Sungsu has known this group longer than I have. So, he might know what Dongho was trying to say. Something I really didn’t know.

“Gitae and Mooyoung.”

Flinch. I had only said their names, but Sungsu gasped and shook his head vigorously.

“I, I don’t know anything.”

“…….”

“I really don’t know anything.”

I finally averted my gaze, giving up when Sungsu’s expression turned as if he was about to cry. Muttering “Sorry” as an apology, Sungsu cautiously sat down in front of me a moment later. He seemed to have something to say, his lips moving slightly, but the words that finally came out were the same as mine.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“….Just…”

He lowered his gaze again and closed his mouth. It was a day like any other, nothing special had happened. But the question that arose thanks to Dongho suddenly made everything look different. Gitae and Mooyoung. I thought they were just close childhood friends who shared a hobby. I thought it was fortunate that they shared a common interest in music, which I didn’t care much about. So, I never thought differently about them meeting frequently using music as an excuse. But what if there was something more to their relationship than I assumed? I suddenly felt like there was a truth I was unaware of, and everyone at the club was treating me like a fool. Even Sungsu, whom I considered pathetic. My already rock-bottom mood continued to sink endlessly, as if it couldn’t fall any further.

“I’m leaving.”

As I straightened up, wanting to escape this place quickly, a barely audible voice stopped me.

“They’re all the same.”

I sat back down and asked, “What is?” Sungsu looked down anxiously for a while before finally glancing up. However, our eyes met only briefly. Averting his gaze again, he mumbled,

“You, you don’t like Dongho, do you?”

I responded by staying silent, and Sungsu gave a bitter smile.

“I… even though Dongho says harsh things to me, I still come running when he calls. I’m such a fool, aren’t I?”

This time, I couldn’t answer because I was flustered. But Sungsu, understanding my meaning immediately, mumbled as if making an excuse,

“Actually, I don’t like Dongho either.”

“Then why do you always come running when he calls?”

Sungsu looked directly at me for the first time. As if he wanted to make it clear that he was telling the truth.

“Dongho told me to. So I have to do it.”

“Why?”

“Just… our family owes Dongho’s family a great deal. We’re currently living in a place Dongho’s family lent us, so if we’re kicked out, my family will have nowhere to live.”

My mouth clamped shut at his whispered confession.

“Why does Dongho make you do that?”

It was a mindset I couldn’t understand with my common sense. Why would he make someone do such a thing? The only answer that came to mind was ‘to torment Sungsu.’ Like a childish elementary school prank. But the reason Sungsu gave was different. The childishness of an elementary school student was correct, but…

“He said having someone stalk him, like a stalker, makes him look popular…”

This crazy bastard. I suppressed a rising curse and looked at Dongho, who was far away. He had a selfish and arrogant personality, but I didn’t show my dislike because he was Gitae’s friend. He was good at livening up the atmosphere as long as he didn’t spout nonsense, so when we hung out, I often laughed and enjoyed myself with him. But he was truly trash. I turned my gaze away from Dongho, who was giggling while drinking, as if he was enjoying something. I suddenly felt pathetic for reacting so sensitively to his words earlier. Right, his words must have been nonsense. The words of a guy who deliberately creates a stalker to be popular. Then a question suddenly popped into my head. I turned to Sungsu and, just in case, voiced the thought that came to mind. Sungsu doesn’t like Dongho. Then?

“Are you gay?”

“…….”

Sungsu closed his mouth with a troubled expression, but I knew the answer right away. Damn it, then what… Did this Dongho bastard make someone who isn’t even gay stalk a man for him?

“Are you really an idiot?”

At my exasperated question, Sungsu hung his head. Since it looked even more like an affirmation, I was speechless. I should have just gotten up and left earlier. Why did I listen to this frustrating story? I tried to get up a second time, but Sungsu’s small voice stopped me again.

“B, but Dongho always gives me an allowance for my trouble…”

“So you don’t care about sleeping with a man as long as you get paid?”

“…….”

“Sigh, forget it. Let’s stop. I don’t know why you’re suddenly telling me all this…”

“They’re all the same.”

The words that had stopped me earlier came again. He still seemed hesitant and troubled, but Sungsu continued, as if he had made up his mind.

“People say birds of a feather flock together. From what I see, Gitae and Mooyoung are the same as Dongho. Maybe even… worse.”

After that, Sungsu shut his mouth tight like a clam, so I couldn’t understand the meaning of his words. As I left the club and headed home, Sungsu’s words kept repeating in my head. They’re all the same. They’re all equally bad.

Lost in thought, I stayed up almost all night and finally fell asleep around 6 am. I was woken up a few hours later by my father barging into my room, yelling.

“What time is it, and you’re still sprawled out asleep? You punk, get up!”

I heard my mother trying to calm him down, but my father ripped off my blanket and yelled even louder.

“What time did you come home last night? Were you drinking again? Is that what a student should be doing?! Huh?”

“Honey, Seoin’s exams are over, so he probably went out for a bit. Don’t do this in the morning…”

“Went out for a bit?! Do you think I don’t know that this kid drinks every day and hangs out with weird people? Hey, get up!”

Still half-asleep, I groggily sat up and frowned. Then my father yelled again, deafeningly, because I frowned.

“How dare you frown at me! Do you know who provides you with food and shelter?! You drink every day and play around, and now you don’t even want to hear a word I say? You idiot! If you have time to drink, you should be working part-time to earn your own allowance!”

Normally, I’d cower and leave after being scolded like this, but my father was blocking the door, so there was no way to escape. The same old repertoire. Next, he’d say I don’t appreciate him paying for my expensive college education. Now, instead of feeling sorry, I only felt annoyed when I was scolded. Gitae’s father didn’t interfere with anything Gitae did. See, even when his son talked about his male boyfriend’s military issue, he offered to help. Moreover, he’d already planned out the company succession, so all Gitae had to do was follow it. But what about my father? I took out loans for tuition, so I have to pay them back after graduation. I earn my allowance by working my butt off during summer and winter breaks. Then what does he do for me? Gitae’s life plan, which had sounded uncomfortable yesterday, now seemed incredibly enviable amidst my father’s scolding. Damn it. He doesn’t even do anything for me, but he keeps lecturing me just because he’s my father. Perhaps at that time, I was mistaken, just like Dongho said. Hanging out with rich and capable guys, I might have taken the privileges they enjoyed for granted. To make a good excuse, I was young, and realistically speaking, just like my father said, I was an idiot.

“Take a leave of absence next semester. And go to the military. That’s where you’ll learn your lesson. Got it?!”

“I’ll take care of the military myself.”

I retorted softly, but my father, surprisingly catching my words, raised his voice.

“What? Take care of it yourself? What do you know? Don’t talk nonsense and just go to the military. That’s the only way to fix your rotten mind. Tsk tsk.”

What’s wrong with my mind? With a surge of anger, I lifted my head and looked at my father defiantly.

“Other parents try everything to keep their sons out of the military, did you pick me up from the streets?”

“What? How dare you…”

“Gitae’s father, who’s not even my father, offered to get me exempted from the military. He said two years in the military is a waste of time, so he’d help me. With money and connections, I guess it’s easy to help your son’s friend. So, I’m not going. My friend’s father offered to do what my own parents can’t, so I’ll accept it and not go. So stop telling me what to do about the military. You don’t even have the ability to help me anyway, do you?”

Slap!

As soon as I finished speaking, my father’s hand struck my face. A burning pain flashed before my eyes, but the first thing I felt was my mother’s crying, which I didn’t know when had started.

I hadn’t seen Gitae for a week, using exams and assignments as an excuse. My exams were over, and I had submitted the assignments long ago, but I didn’t want to face him because of what happened at the club. If I met him, I felt like I’d have to confirm what Dongho and Sungsu said, and that might lead to something truly unpleasant. So, I chose to wait. To let time pass until I could ignore Dongho and Sungsu’s words. Honestly, I think I was a little scared. Even if I faced an undesirable outcome, I liked Gitae this much, so what could I do? But at the same time, the desire to know the truth wouldn’t go away, like a nail stuck in my mind. That’s why my steps led me to Mooyoung’s house that day. Gitae had called. When I told him I couldn’t meet, he sounded very disappointed. Feeling guilty, the words “Should we meet now?” almost escaped my lips, but I asked a different question instead. What are you going to do now? His answer was the same thing I’d been hearing for the past week that I hadn’t seen him.

‘I’ll probably help Mooyoung with his work.’

Gitae, who answered immediately, perhaps realizing he’d used that answer too often, added defensively,

‘That bastard’s work pace has slowed down lately because he’s been fooling around with the kid every day.’

After that, a light curse directed at Mooyoung followed, as if complaining, but I couldn’t laugh it off like usual. Mooyoung’s luxurious officetel, equipped with a studio, was so familiar to me that I could picture the interior with my eyes closed. The scene I’d seen the most was the two of them working together in the studio. I had seen them so often like that that I couldn’t imagine them doing anything else there. Besides, since the kid had moved in three months ago, it didn’t even feel like Mooyoung’s own place anymore. But if those two were doing something else there? I sat in the lobby on the first floor of the officetel, staring blankly at the elevators. Should I just go back? But since I’d come this far, if I didn’t see with my own eyes what they were doing, I would keep suspecting. Even as I urged myself on inwardly, I couldn’t bring myself to walk to the elevator. Feeling pathetic, wondering what I was doing here, I finally lowered my head. It was foolish, but I hoped Gitae would come out of Mooyoung’s place and find me down here. Smiling, with a happy face, asking if I’d come to see him. Then I would forget my suspicions and smile along with him. If he appeared in front of me now…

“Seoin hyung?”

The illusion that had enveloped me like crumbling sand vanished in an instant. Startled by the sudden exposure to reality, I lifted my head. The kid was standing in front of me, drenched in sweat. He was wearing a baseball uniform with his school’s name on it, as if he’d come from practice, and carrying a large bag on his back. The strong smell of sweat hit my nose first. As I raised my gaze further, his single-lidded, cool eyes came into view. The image of an unapproachable, blunt athlete. However, his blinking eyes, filled with surprise, reminded me that he was just a naive kid.

“Are you okay?”

“Okay? What do you mean?”

As I straightened up and asked back, the kid muttered, “You’re pale,” in a flustered voice.

“Just…hot.”

But his worried gaze didn’t leave me. When I reassured him that I was really okay, he finally lowered his gaze as if accepting it. The ridiculous thought that his downcast eyes resembled a shy newlywed bride made me chuckle involuntarily.

“I was worried because Mooyoung hyung is sick, and Seoin hyung looked sick too.”

The long sentence, rarely heard from the taciturn kid, was welcome, but I erased my smile.

“Mooyoung is sick?”

Nod, nod. The kid then lifted his eyes, now filled with worry. There was no proper explanation, but I was used to his taciturnity, so the necessary question flowed from my lips automatically.

“What’s wrong with him?”

This time, a shake of his head. He doesn’t know. Then he hasn’t seen him directly.

“When did you talk to him?”

He answered that it was an hour ago to my speculative question. I quietly observed him again and slowly scanned him from his feet up.

“So you ran out in the middle of practice?”

I expected him to lower his gaze shyly again, but contrary to my expectations, he nodded while looking straight at me. As if anything related to Mooyoung was natural. But he would have to bear a heavy responsibility for that natural action later. According to Mooyoung, the baseball team coach was extremely strict, hitting students with a bat if they were even a minute late for training. So, it was obvious how much resolve the kid had shown by appearing here, running out in the middle of practice. For the kid’s sake, I hoped Mooyoung was truly sick. Right, Gitae is somewhere else, and Mooyoung might be alone upstairs. With a slightly heightened hope, I stood up.

“Let’s go. Since you risked your life to get out, you should see Mooyoung for even a second longer.”

This time, the kid lowered his gaze with a faint smile. Then, beside me as I started to walk, he spoke at length.

“Mooyoung hyung will be surprised. My training camp ends tomorrow.”

It didn’t sound noisy because of his characteristic slow tone. Perhaps because of his lower-than-average voice, it sounded more like a lullaby. To me, however, it was like an alarm dousing me with cold water.

‘That bastard’s work pace has slowed down lately because he’s been fooling around with the kid every day.’

Recalling Gitae’s voice in my head, I asked in a low voice,

“When did the training camp start?”

“Last week.”

“…….”

Perhaps the kid was truly patient, he just stared at me until I managed to exhale the breath I’d been holding. Seeing the puzzlement in his eyes, my expression must have hardened visibly. Since his gaze seemed to be asking ‘Are you okay?’, I stretched my lips into a smile. Seeing his innocent face, unaware of anything, I couldn’t help but laugh. Perhaps it was the hollow laughter of having missed the chance to turn back. If my suspicions had been lighter a moment ago, I could have just turned around and continued as before with Gitae, but I couldn’t now. I wanted to confirm what kind of ‘work’ the sick Mooyoung and Gitae were doing. I turned towards the elevators.

“Let’s go. To visit the sick.”

‘A longtime friend.’

That was Gitae’s explanation when he first introduced Mooyoung. He joked that they’d been hanging out constantly since middle school and might even get married someday. I laughed heartily then. They were just ordinary friends, the kind you’d see anywhere. I also have a neighborhood friend I’ve known since middle school. He freaked out when he found out I was gay, but we still meet, greet each other with curses, play games, and play billiards; our relationship hasn’t changed. I’ll probably be the same with him even when we’re 70. So, the ‘longtime friend’ Gitae mentioned shouldn’t have been a romantic interest. At least not when they both had boyfriends. Looking at the gray front door, I tried one last time to calm my growing suspicion. Right, there’s no way they’d be doing anything strange. If they were, I would have noticed. Especially when they both have people they love. I was about to press the doorbell when a tanned hand suddenly grabbed my wrist. I looked down at the hand gripping me painfully tight, and heard the kid mumbling beside me.

“So as not to wake him.”

It was the kid’s consideration, not wanting to wake Mooyoung, but I felt like my last refuge had completely disappeared. If something unimaginable was happening inside, the doorbell would at least give them time to make excuses. Was I still not prepared to face the worst-case scenario? I limply lowered my arm, which the kid had released. The kid, as if he’d done it often, took out a key and skillfully opened the door without a sound. The metal door opened without a creak, revealing the dark entranceway. It seemed Mooyoung was really asleep, having closed all the curtains, including the living room’s. The kid, looking worried, went inside before me, quickly took off his shoes, and walked silently down the short hallway. Following behind him, I stopped him in front of Mooyoung’s bedroom. He, about to grab the doorknob, looked back at me with a questioning look, but my gaze was directed downwards. Light was leaking from under the door crack. But even without the light, I soon knew the person inside was awake. I heard laughter that couldn’t contain its joy.

“Hahaha~ Stop it! Haha, it tickles, okay. I admit it. You’re the best.”

Mooyoung’s husky voice, laced with laughter, lowered amidst the fading laughter.

So, go ahead and continue your fucking. Haa, fuck… Are you going to tease me like this after coming all the way in? Huh? Heut… Haa, even now?

The kid’s hand no longer moved, even without me stopping it. Opening the closed door in front of me felt like another world would open its terrifying jaws and devour us. The sounds from beyond the door seemed unreal. So, my mind questioned my ears. I heard wrong. But my heart, reacting to the following voices, acknowledged reality.

“Damn it, ugh… stop squeezing. After being buried inside me all night, you want to be rough again? Kkuk… Your insides are already sloshing with my cum, so it’s slippery anyway. Eut! Huu… How about this?”

“Aak! Good! Fuck, come in deeper and poke me!”

“Kkuk, really? The baseball boy doesn’t do this for you?”

“Haa, haa, that bastard is only big, all he knows is to mindlessly pound. He makes sex boring, you know? Eut! There, there! Haa. Ass… quickly, spank my ass.”

Slap! Slap!

“Haat! So good! Keep spanking me. Eut, you’re pent up anyway because you have to pretend to be a gentleman around your ice princess, right?”

“Fuck, I told you not to talk about Seoin while we’re doing this, right? This won’t do. I need to punish you.”

“Aang~ Don’t pull out, okay? Don’t pull out. Haa, I’m going crazy. Thrust quickly. Hurry!”

Mooyoung’s voice, which had risen in pleading, soon changed into a scream filled with pleasure. The creaking sound of the bedsprings was added like an accompaniment. And the repeated rough breathing. Ironically, hearing these sounds slowly brought me back to reality. My brain, dried up like cracked mud, finally gave the order. Breathe. Only then did I realize the choking sensation that had reached my throat. I unknowingly pressed my hand against my chest. I couldn’t breathe properly. Even though nothing was blocking my mouth and nose, the tightness in my chest didn’t ease even when I heaved. On the contrary, as I tried to inhale, a tremor spread from my chest as if a convulsion was rising. I clenched both fists, trying to calm my trembling hands and feet as if my naked body was exposed to the cold. But that was all I could do. Just standing there like a fool. That’s why I only realized I wasn’t alone here when something moved in front of me.

Thud.

The kid quietly placed the large bag he had on his shoulder on the floor. Then he opened the flap and took something out. Swoosh~ Along with a chilling metallic sound, a long object came up in his hand. Before I could even realize it was an aluminum bat, the kid’s other hand was opening the doorknob. The panting breaths from inside were still there, but the door, revealing that world, moved unbelievably slowly, as if it belonged to a different time. Yet, it didn’t forget to guide me to the dreadful reality. The two owners of the sounds were entangled like dogs on the creaking bed. Mooyoung was lying face down, only his buttocks raised. His hands were tied above his head with a rope, connected to the bed. Gitae, of course, was clinging to those buttocks, thrusting his penis in and out. All sorts of adult toys and empty liquor bottles were scattered on the floor. And the disgusting smell of semen pushed reality in front of me. The door opened, and only a few seconds passed. The sex between the two, who hadn’t noticed us, continued for a brief moment, but that movement took over my mind. At that moment, a chilling feeling came over me. A premonition that this scene would remain in my mind forever, never to be forgotten. With a mixture of anger, shame, betrayal, and sadness, forever. At some point, the two stopped moving, and I thought I heard my name softly called. But soon, someone’s back, filling my vision, and their low murmur filled the emptiness within me.

“Don’t interrupt.”

A cold, unfamiliar command, mockingly. My mind grasped its meaning when the kid’s two hands, now inside the room, raised the aluminum bat high. The first to react was Mooyoung.

“You… What are you doing?!!!”

While he struggled, unable to sit properly due to being tied up, the kid swung the aluminum bat without warning.

Whizz~ Thwack!

“Ugh!!”

Gitae’s scream pierced my ears more sharply than Mooyoung’s. Always confident and arrogant, he was busy dodging the attack while his penis dangled nakedly. He tried to block by raising his arms to counterattack, but he quickly fell to his knees before the mercilessly swinging bat. I couldn’t hear Mooyoung screaming his lungs out from beside him. I couldn’t see the kid, with his back to me, swinging the bat at Gitae. Only the chilling sound every time the bat hit, and the image of Gitae, his face contorted, crumpled on the floor, filled my vision. Reality disappeared again. What am I seeing?

“Lee Seoin!!!!”

My body reacted automatically to the called name. Turning my eyes, I saw Mooyoung, struggling to untie the ropes, yelling at me.

“You son of a bitch, stop him!! What are you just standing there for?! Do you want to see Gitae die?!! Stop him!!!!”

Mooyoung, gasping for breath, caught my gaze for a moment. His eyes were bloodshot, as if tears were about to flow. Seeing Mooyoung’s eyes, filled with helplessness and rage, the pain that lingered in my chest disappeared, leaving a chill. Half a step. Stepping back made the next step easy. I turned and slowly walked down the long, tunnel-like hallway. When I put on my shoes and opened the metal door, the fresh air washed away the smell of the house. From some point on, the smell of blood had replaced the smell of semen inside.

Gitae was my first love. I had grown up hearing compliments about my good looks, so I had high standards and couldn’t easily find someone I liked. So, when I first met Gitae in college, I easily fell for the feeling of liking someone. Everything went smoothly. He had the looks, ability, and personality that satisfied me. He confessed first, making me feel proud. The joy of liking him swelled up like a balloon, pulling my body into the air. Holding onto the thin string of the balloon and kicking my feet, I was so captivated by the inflated joy that I couldn’t prepare for anything. I must have firmly believed, like a naive girl, that love would last forever, and that I would be eternally happy with Gitae. But the balloon that had lifted me to the sky burst with a deafening bang. I think it was a rather miserable fall. Even if someone slowly lets go of your hand and prepares you for the breakup, there are still scars left, but since it ended suddenly at the peak of happiness, my insides were torn to shreds. I think I was bewildered, not knowing what to do with this pain. The phrase, “my heart hurts,” wasn’t figurative; it was reality. I sat in a dark corner, whimpering as I held back tears. I couldn’t sleep. While awake, painful memories and reality dominated my mind, and the pain continued. I kept drinking soju, but I didn’t get drunk. No matter how tired I made myself, sleep wouldn’t come. The beginning was probably the hardest to endure. I think I finally realized after three days locked away in my room, cutting off contact, that this pain couldn’t be erased. That I had to walk through each day carrying this burden. To forget the weight, I had no choice but to focus on walking. So, on the fourth day, I left the house and headed to school. I went to the administrative office to apply for a leave of absence, and while waiting for my turn, I picked up a newspaper that was lying nearby. In idle moments, only painful thoughts came to mind, so I forced my attention onto the newspaper. Flip, flip. I just scanned the contents with my eyes, unable to properly take them in, when at some point, I stopped. And I stared intently at the short article in the sports section.

‘Monster hitter Chae Minho, who rewrote all of high school baseball’s hitting records, dubbed the second coming of ○○○, has been booked by police on assault charges. Teams that had been in a scouting war over him are expressing reservations, and depending on the future indictment decision, his playing career could be over…’

It was the name that caught my eye. Chae Minho. I was surprised that the kid was such a famous player that he was in the newspaper, but more than that, I was shocked by the news that he had been booked by the police. The image of that day, which I didn’t want to think about again, automatically came to mind.

“Seoin!”

I stopped at the sound of my name as I passed the front of the central library. Yonggu-hyung, a teaching assistant in my department, ran towards me from the first-floor cafeteria and hurriedly asked me a question.

“Good to see you. Do you know any of your classmates who have free time during the break?”

He mentioned a few names of my classmates. When I shook my head, he furrowed his brow and started to complain.

“Ah, shit. This is driving me crazy, really. This professor asked me to send someone to his Hanok project, but none of those bastards want to go…”

“I’ll go.”

“Ah, so you’ll go… What!!!”

He was startled, looked at me for a moment, and asked again.

“Really?”

When I answered yes, instead of being happy, he frowned.

“You seem to not know much about this work. Actually, even though it’s called a part-time job, it’s back-breaking labor that doesn’t pay much. Besides, the site is in the countryside, so you’ll be stuck there for the whole break…”

“It’s okay.”

For me, I’m rather grateful.

The second time I stopped was at the school gate. Again, I heard my name.

“Lee Seoin!”

I looked around but didn’t see anyone I knew. Lowering my gaze slightly, I saw a foreign car parked a little distance away. The driver’s side window was down, and Donghoo, wearing sunglasses, beckoned me with one hand. I turned my head and continued walking as I had been. The sound of the car starting up, along with curses, came from behind. Soon, his car pulled up beside me, and I heard my name again.

“Hey, Lee Seoin! Stop! Fuck, Gitae is almost dead.”

Gitae. Just hearing the name after a few days felt like someone was squeezing my heart and then letting go. I almost stopped walking due to the unexpected turmoil, but I managed to keep moving my feet. I felt so pathetic for being shaken by a mere name. So, when I deliberately ignored Donghoo and continued walking, he finally got out of the car and blocked my path. He had a look of discontent on his face, as if he hated the role of picking me up, but his tone was docile.

“Gitae wants to see you. His legs and arms are broken, so he can’t move right now and can’t come to you even if he wants to. So come with me to Gitae’s hospital.”

“……”

“Ah, yeah. I know you’re still angry. But you can at least see Gitae’s face, right? He’s lying there like that.”

“……”

“You have to hear Gitae’s side of the story, too. He’s lying there crippled, wanting to talk to you first, so let’s go together. Just go and listen to what he has to say.”

He was the type to curse and say I was ignoring him if I responded with a blank expression. But now, suppressing his temper, he lightly nudged my arm, acting friendly. His lighter persuasion flowed out.

“Hey, it’s nothing between Gitae and Mooyoung. I guarantee they aren’t the kind of relationship you’re thinking of, so stop being like a girl and sulking, let’s go, okay?”

When I just stared at him silently, he finally exploded in annoyance.

“Fuck, are you deaf? Why aren’t you answering? Stop acting all high and mighty about it and accept Gitae’s apology when he gives it. You’ll really lose Gitae if you keep up your pride. I’m not even telling you to go and nurse him right away… What’s so funny?”

Donghoo asked, annoyed, but I stayed still for a moment, suppressing the laughter that threatened to burst out. The past three days had been agonizing, almost to the point of death, but none of my suffering stemmed from worrying about the future. Overwhelmed by the fact that Gitae had betrayed me, I hadn’t even thought about not seeing him again. Maybe I lacked a sense of reality because I vaguely thought it was over now. But when I heard that warning from Donghoo just now, I realized that the sadness or fear wasn’t that great. It seemed my anger was greater than I thought. I had no interest in the explanation Gitae wanted to give or Donghoo’s persuasion that they weren’t anything. I swallowed my laughter and brought up the only topic that came to mind.

“Go tell him. Tell him to drop the charges against Minho and make it like nothing happened.”

Donghoo, wondering whose name Minho was, soon frowned.

“That fucking bastard who hit Gitae? Are you crazy?! Gitae almost died because of him, what nonsense are you talking about? And that bastard is safer in the police station anyway. Otherwise, Mooyoung and I will go find him and beat him half to death…”

“Don’t touch him.”

When I cut him off coldly, Donghoo looked at me in disbelief.

“What? Are you siding with that beggar now? He’s a guy Mooyoung brought in, a guy who lived off his relatives without parents, and who got spoiled rotten and then went wild. He deserves to rot in jail for a few years…”

“If he doesn’t drop the charges, I’ll tell everyone what you did.”

“What? What did I do?”

I twisted my lips at him again.

“How do you think I knew where to go that day and bust in on them? It’s thanks to you. I went there to check, bringing Minho with me, because you told me about Gitae and Mooyoung.”

“…D-Don’t talk nonsense, you bastard! When did I ever say such a thing…”

“The last day we met at the club. You were drunk and blabbered about Gitae and Mooyoung. Don’t you remember me grabbing you by the collar?”

Actually, Donghoo hadn’t said much, but since he was drunk, there was no way he would remember what he said. Fortunately, he seemed to remember being grabbed by the collar. He gulped, his face stiffening. Now, to him, who had fallen silent, I dryly said,

“If Mooyoung finds out about this, he’ll make more of a fuss than Gitae. If he finds out that his beloved Gitae got hit because of you, he might try to kill you, not Minho.”

Mooyoung’s beloved Gitae. A lump of suffocating pain settled in my chest, but my voice came out as if I was talking about the weather. And the fact that Donghoo didn’t refute that statement made the suffocation worse. My expression must have been awkward, trying to pretend I was indifferent, but Donghoo didn’t notice. As if my threat had worked, he gritted his teeth and barely managed to say,

“What do you want?”

“I told you. Persuade Gitae to let Minho go. If word gets out that he got beat up by his lover’s high school boyfriend while cheating, how could the great Kwon Gitae show his face anywhere?”

“…Fuck, fine. I’ll try to persuade him.”

“Not ‘try,’ you will.”

He raised his eyebrows, as if outraged by my command.

“Why are you trying to help that bastard?”

“Because I’m ashamed.”

He closed his mouth and stared intensely at me, surprised by my answer. To his unspoken question, I briefly uttered the self-loathing that had tormented me along with anger.

“I stood there like an idiot, unable to do anything. But Minho, younger than me, calmly took out a baseball bat. If it wasn’t for Minho, I would have been even more pathetic.”

I might have just stood there, watching their sex, unable to do anything.

“So, if I don’t help him, I’ll really become a good-for-nothing who couldn’t do anything. So make sure he gets out of the police station.”

He stared at me for a moment with his lips tightly shut, and then nodded.

“Alright. So you keep your mouth shut, too.”

“Don’t worry. We won’t see each other again anyway.”

“What? Hey, you… Are you really going to stop seeing him just because they slept together? Are you out of your mind? Are you breaking up with Gitae?”

Just because they slept together. Rather than anger, this sparked curiosity. How often, and for how long, had their relationship continued for Donghoo to think of it so casually? Perhaps, even for Gitae and Mooyoung, this wasn’t cheating but a normal part of their everyday life. Donghoo’s drunken warning suddenly came to mind. Don’t mistake hanging out together for being the same kind of person. Yes, I had been truly mistaken, caught up in their extravagant lifestyle, enjoying and playing along with them. That I was equal to them. As Sungsu said, we were all just as bad.

“Where are you going?”

As I started walking, unable to speak, Donghoo quickly grabbed my arm.

“I promised Gitae I’d bring you.”

“Tell him you couldn’t find me.”

“……”

As I shook off his hand forcefully and walked away, Donghoo’s sneering followed me.

“You’ll regret it. You’ll never meet anyone like Gitae again in your life. Your good looks only work for a short while when you’re young. You have no connections, so once you go to the military, you’ll be completely washed up, and no one will look at you. How long do you think your popularity will last?”

Donghoo’s last words were raised, but I didn’t stop walking. Giving up, he opened the car door roughly and shouted in frustration.

“Fucking bastard, all full of pride. Fine, go ahead. Cry your eyes out later, regretting not holding onto Gitae. Oh, and listen carefully. Even if that bastard who messed up Gitae is released from the police, his life is over. Gitae’s pissed-off father has already pulled some strings, so that bastard will be expelled from school and won’t be able to go anywhere with baseball. Mooyoung is holding a grudge too, so it’ll be hard for him to live in Korea from now on.”

The part-time job that Yonggu-hyung introduced was truly back-breaking labor. Since they were rebuilding a Hanok in the traditional way, most of the work was done by hand, not machines. The day I met Donghoo, I packed my bags and came down, immediately thrown into the worksite, carrying lumber without even having time to change my clothes. Every night, I slept in a container, my body covered in mosquito bites, and worked continuously from dawn till dusk. The only consolation was that the lumber yard where I worked was halfway up a mountain, so I could at least avoid the worst of the heat. However, by the time the sun was directly overhead, my t-shirt would already be soaked with sweat, clinging damply to my skin. For the first few days, I couldn’t get up properly in the mornings because of muscle aches, and I was greeted with all sorts of curses from the manager. I don’t know how I endured the six days, but when my day off came, I spent the whole day lying in the container like a dead man. The manager roared at me with harsh curses, saying a young guy with such poor stamina was useless and should just go back. I don’t know how I endured it, but after three weeks, I was able to wake up first and rouse the other workers. At first, they only made me carry lumber, but now they sometimes let me use the plane. Of course, I could barely do it under the watchful eyes of the supervisors, who were worried I would ruin the precious wood. Since Hanoks are built by carving grooves into the wood and fitting them together without nails, handling the wood was only possible for skilled carpenters.

At first, I worked to forget the hardships, but after about a month, I became interested in the work. I started following the progress of the construction near the Hanok site, and I began to pay close attention to the lumber management, which I had only been doing as instructed. A busy day, every day. However, the moment I lay down to sleep, the day’s worth of sadness that I had forgotten would wash over me. The anger at the betrayal that initially filled me was slowly subsiding as time passed. Instead, filling that space were Gitae’s smiling face and the sound of his voice saying he loved me. What made me suffer the most were the happy memories with him. The happy moments of the past made my present miserable and painful. Even though the scene of him rolling around with another guy was still vivid, I felt like a fool for reminiscing about the happy times. Even though I knew in my head that it was stupid to think about that bastard, I couldn’t stop. At times, I had to clench my teeth every night to stop myself from jumping up and calling him. In such moments, I would force myself to remember that unforgettable scene to fall asleep. Gitae, panting, attached to Mooyoung’s buttocks.

“Seoin, your visitor just came by.”

I had just returned from checking the lumber storage since dawn to see if any water had leaked in due to last night’s rain. I followed the master carpenter, carefully inspecting each piece of lumber like a baby bird, and returned to the lumber yard for a late lunch. It seemed like I wouldn’t be eating lunch just yet. The person who informed me said my visitor was at the small restaurant a little way down from the entrance of the lumber yard.

“I asked who it was, and he just said to tell you it was a friend. But I don’t know why a man would have so many rings dangling from his ears.”

Rings in his ears. The only person among my acquaintances who had a lot of ear piercings was Mooyoung. He frowned, as if disapproving of Mooyoung’s appearance, and I replied, “He’s not my friend,” before turning around. I wanted to ignore him, whether he waited or not, but given his stubborn personality and the fact that he had come all the way here, I figured he would only leave after seeing me. My hunger turned into annoyance, and I left the lumber yard entrance in a bad mood. Another carpenter called out to me.

“Seoin, someone came looking for you, so I told him to wait at the restaurant down there.”

“Yes, I’m on my way.”

“Alright, hurry up. He’s been waiting since early morning.”

I paused. I turned around to look at him as he passed by.

“What did he look like?”

“Well, he was covered in bandages on his arms and legs, as if he had been badly injured…”

Although it was called a restaurant, it was more accurate to call it a tiny hole-in-the-wall with only two tables inside. Still, the elderly couple who owned it also ran a small guesthouse in one room, sold groceries, ran the restaurant, and even grew vegetables in the garden out back. It was quite busy with hikers on weekends, but during the week, there were rarely any customers besides the lumber yard crew. So, if you had business there, you had to call out loudly to the old man working out back, and he’d slowly come to the store. On days like today, when it rained a lot in the morning, even the old woman would be busy tending to the garden. So the restaurant would likely be empty except for the customer. When I arrived at the restaurant, I knew my assumption was correct. Mooyoung was sitting there in the empty restaurant. Alone.

Creak.

Seeing me enter, Mooyoung stood up. I didn’t look at him and slowly scanned the interior first. I was the youngest, so I was in charge of all sorts of errands, and I came here several times a day. I knew where everything was, even with my eyes closed. So, I could immediately tell if there was anything different from usual. For that reason, my gaze settled on the area in front of the room used for lodging and group meals. Large men’s sneakers. I stood there for a moment, and then Mooyoung’s voice reached me.

“You look like a mess.”

I turned my eyes to him, and Mooyoung looked me up and down with an impassive face.

“After disappearing for a month, this is what you’ve made of yourself?”

His tone was cold, laced with more anger than sarcasm. Although his face was expressionless, his eyes glared at me fiercely. I had imagined what it would be like to see Mooyoung again. Most of my fantasies involved me seeking him out, filled with the same rage I felt when I first discovered them, wanting to swing a baseball bat at him just like the kid did. So, Mooyoung’s reaction hadn’t been important in my imagination. Because I had pictured him cowering, punished just as much as Gitae. Thanks to that, I couldn’t react immediately to the brazen Mooyoung in reality. I was only able to utter a single word in disbelief.

“What about the way I look?”

He scanned me up and down again.

“You look like you’re deliberately putting on a show, saying, ‘I’m suffering, so acknowledge me.’ ”

Mooyoung, who was about the same height as me, tilted his head to the side and slowly added,

“And you want the injured Gitae to visit you and feel guilty, don’t you? Acting like such a victim is really dis.gus.ting, you bastard.”

For the past year, Mooyoung had been, to me, an amazing guy who had already made a name for himself through his genius composing talent from a young age, and was financially independent. This premise formed the basis for believing that everything he thought was right. Moreover, he liked to talk about how unbiased his thinking was. Whenever I heard an opinion that went against the mainstream, I thought it sounded plausible, and I nodded along. Even though he claimed to be unbiased, it was ultimately an assertion that only his opinions were correct. Now that I had become the target of his narrow-minded confidence, I came to my senses. This guy wasn’t that great. It was such a simple conclusion, and the moment it came to me, it solved a problem I hadn’t known about before. Why I had kept my distance from Mooyoung and hadn’t tried to get closer. I must have been envious of him. Unlike me, he was free, had natural talent, and easily got whatever he wanted. On the other hand, there was me, so ordinary and insignificant in comparison. I didn’t want to admit it, so I kept my distance. The funny thing is that even now, in a state where I understand he’s not that great, I’m still envious. Maybe it has even become stronger, bursting out into the open. It hurt my pride that, faced with the brazen perpetrator, my own insignificance felt even more acute. Was it because I was the one who got hurt?

“So, did you come here to gawk at the disgusting me?”