DALI Ch 2

It would be strange to expect him to act like he did when we were younger in this situation.

But I still missed the Inha of our childhood. The image of him with sun-kissed skin, his face flushed as he pushed off the ground, his light body soaring towards the sky, his hair fluttering against the backlight—it was still vivid in my mind.

“…….”

I stared intently at Inha’s sleeping face. He was sleeping soundly, the smell of pain relief patches emanating from his body, his injured knee heavily taped.

He seemed to have found his dream of being an idol, but in reality, it was as if Inha had been robbed of another dream.

He’ll never be able to run like that again.

Should I have stopped him more actively?

Before Inha was worn down this much….

Lost in these thoughts, I finally fell asleep. And a little while later, I was woken up by a strange sound.

“Inha…?”

I groggily opened my eyes, fumbling for the empty space beside me. The sound was coming from the bathroom.

“Ugh…”

Soon, I realized that Inha was vomiting in the bathroom. As soon as I realized it, all traces of sleep vanished.

The sound of the toilet flushing, followed by the sound of running water from the sink.

Soon, Inha came out of the bathroom, having washed his face and mouth clean with water.

“…Oh…”

He stopped in his tracks, surprised to see me awake.

“You, you’re awake?”

I got up without a word and poured him a glass of water. Perhaps because of the thirst after vomiting, Inha gulped down the entire glass in one go.

“The ramen was wasted.”

I chuckled wryly, and Inha nodded.

“I know. Maybe it was because I ate flour too suddenly after starving.”

“Do you have any digestive medicine?”

“What’s the point of taking it now? There’s nothing in my stomach.”

Inha chuckled, rubbing his stomach. I watched him refill the empty glass with water from the purifier, and asked just in case,

“You didn’t do that on purpose… right?”

“Huh?”

Inha, turning around, looked down at the glass as if he didn’t understand, then looked back at me with a slightly dazed expression.

“You know, there are people who… feel guilty after eating a lot….”

“I’m asking if you threw up the ramen on purpose.”

“They told you to lose more weight, right? At the company.”

Inha’s brow slowly furrowed.

“You didn’t, right?”

“Hey, I’ve never thrown up on purpose in my life.”

Hearing those words, I finally felt relieved. As long as he wasn’t doing anything strange to lose weight, that was enough.

“Okay. I was just worried.”

“That’s unfair.”

Inha sat down at the dining table with a dejected look. I sat down next to him.

“If you usually ate well, I wouldn’t even suspect that.”

I lifted Inha’s wrist, which was holding the glass, and took his hand in mine. His wrist, so thin that my middle finger and thumb could touch, dangled in my hand.

“You think I wanted to do that.”

Inha abruptly pulled his hand away.

“It’s because of you that I have indigestion.”

“Why?”

“Because I told you… that.”

Ah, about liking men.

Inha scratched his head vigorously, his head hanging low.

“I shouldn’t have said anything. I should’ve just kept my mouth shut…”

“Is it bothering you?”

“Of course.”

“I’m glad you told me.”

At my casual words, Inha looked up.

“What?”

“Really. I was a bit surprised, you know? But thinking about it, I’d hate not knowing even more.”

“…….”

“So please tell me everything from now on, without hiding anything.”

“…….”

“We’re best friends.”

Inha just let out a small sigh instead of answering. I playfully ruffled his hair and asked in a whisper,

“But, can’t you tell me who you like?”

“I don’t want to….”

“I told you, I don’t like you suffering alone….”

But Inha remained stubbornly silent.

“I can at least offer some advice, can’t I?”

At my words, Inha made a disgusted face. I awkwardly rubbed the back of my neck.

“You’re not going to tell me?”

“Well… do I have to?”

“Yeah. I think I would definitely tell you. If I liked someone.”

Inha got up before I could finish speaking. The chair scraped against the floor, making an unpleasant noise.

I glanced at the clock. 6 AM. It was already dawn, but Inha’s dorm, which didn’t get much sunlight, was still dark. Inha was already wriggling back into the pile of blankets.

“Is it the ace who left the company, by any chance?”

I stealthily lay down next to him. Then Inha turned his back to me as if in protest.

“No?”

“…No.”

“Then that’s a relief.”

“What’s a relief?”

Inha mumbled from under the blanket. What’s a relief, of course….

“Um… because it’s not like you can never see him again?”

“Is that a relief?”

Inha replied grumpily and pulled the blanket almost over his head. The strands of hair sticking out fluttered in the slight breeze.

“It’s agonizing to keep watching when you know it won’t work out.”

“Is that so?”

I thought it would be much better to keep watching from the sidelines than to never see the person you like again.

But it seemed Inha didn’t think so.

“They say out of sight, out of mind. If he wasn’t in front of my eyes, at least I could do that.”

“…….”

“But he keeps… being around.”

At the word “being around,” I found a clue. It seemed that the person Inha liked was a fellow trainee. And how much harder must it be when they even live together… Hiding his feelings must be difficult, too. I could somewhat understand his plight.

“It must have been really hard.”

I reached out and touched the hair of the boy who had turned his back to me. Then I gently stroked his hair, which was messily strewn on the blanket, combing it with my fingers.

“Ugh….”

As I soothed him, Inha’s curled-up shoulders began to rise and fall intermittently. Soon, he let out a deep breath, as if his nose was blocked. It was the sound of him barely holding back his tears.

Understanding Inha’s desire to hide his tears, I continued my silent comfort by playing with his hair instead of forcing myself to look at his face.

“Whoever it is, they’re really bad. Making our Inha suffer.”

“…….”

“No matter how great they are, they should be grateful that you like them. Right?”

“…Ugh…”

He sniffled with his breath. He tried hard to suppress it, but his breathing was out of control, and his shoulders were trembling.

It was the first time I had seen Inha like this, and my heart ached with him.

“They don’t even know how lucky they are….”

He’s already having a hard enough life, what if even liking someone is this difficult for him?

Inha didn’t turn to face me until the very end. I watched his back and continued to stroke his hair very slowly until he fell asleep.

Gradually, my eyes closed. Before his unsteady breathing calmed down, I fell back into a deep sleep. Since I fell asleep without even realizing it, I don’t know how much longer he cried alone afterward.

🌌

The next day, I woke up to someone’s fussing.

“Oh my god…! Inha, what happened to your face? If you have to go out today, definitely wear glasses. Horn-rimmed ones, you know? Thick ones like this.”

A strangely bustling air filled the room. The presence of an unfamiliar person, the floor thumping with every step, and a gruff voice clearly pierced my ears.

With the unpleasant sensation of my body waking up before my mind, I groggily sat up and saw the back of a large man standing in the kitchen.

Is he a member? Someone like that is a trainee…?

I was staring blankly at the figure, which was closer to that of a gangster, when my eyes met Inha’s, who was standing across from the man.

“Jihee, you’re awake?”

“Uh, yeah. You said Inha’s friend was coming over?”

The huge man, with an unusually bright expression, strode towards me. Excuse me for saying this when we’ve just met, but he had a very distinctive look.

“Are you a trainee… too?”

I asked, dumbfounded, and he burst into laughter at my question. I think some saliva splattered on my face, and I snapped out of it. I wiped my cheek with the back of my hand and sat up properly, having been lying down.

“Hey, you can stay lying down. I heard you guys stayed up late yesterday. And I’m a manager.”

He said, waving his hands. He had broad gestures and a rough voice, but he seemed quite affable.

“Which company is your friend from?”

“Company?”

“Hyung, he’s just a friend.”

Inha quickly interjected with an explanation.

“Really? Same school?”

“Yes. Our school…”

“Oh! That’s great.”

As soon as he found out we went to the same school, the manager’s face lit up. However, unlike other friends who had aspirations for the entertainment industry, I had no interest in it at all. No, it would be more accurate to say that I loathed it.

Knowing this about me, Inha was already on edge, with an anxious look on his face. Meanwhile, the manager took out a business card from his wallet. Seeing that, Inha interjected once more.

“Hyung, he’s not really interested in this kind of thing…”

“Tsk, are there any guys in your school who aren’t interested in the entertainment industry?”

The manager chided, cutting him off, and Inha, unable to say anything more, retreated awkwardly. Seeing the manager treating Inha so casually, a wave of displeasure washed over me.

“Here, take it.”

The manager in front of me was a complete stranger to me, but he could be someone difficult for Inha to deal with. He was still standing between me and the manager, holding his breath and gauging each of our reactions.

That was why I took the business card, even though I had no interest in it.

So that the manager wouldn’t take it out on Inha later if I refused him as usual.

“…Thank you.”

“Yeah. Call me if you’re interested. Our company doesn’t just do idols.”

I pretended to carefully read the business card. Meanwhile, the manager spoke to me in a rather condescending tone, as if he was offering me a special opportunity.

“You could be an actor. You have the looks for it. You can call me at that number, or let me know through Inha.”

“Yes.”

“What do your parents do?”

“…….”

Instead of answering, I briefly looked up at him. It was perhaps natural for him to ask about my parents since we were still minors, but there was something else that bothered me more.

Inha must have been asked this question too.

“They’re ordinary office workers.”

“I see.”

Seeming satisfied with my answer, he strode back to the entrance. Then he slipped on his sneakers, which were carelessly thrown on top of the mountain of shoes.

“Myung Inha, make sure you’re in charge of training the kids who come to the dorm tonight. Got it? What will the higher-ups think if you show them you’re discouraged because the atmosphere isn’t good? In times like these, you have to be tough and show your grit. Eh? You have to show them that kind of attitude, so even if they didn’t think you had it in you, they’ll change their minds. Got it?”

“Yes.”

Inha politely saw the manager off until the very end. He left without a word, and I continued to criticize the rude manager in my mind.

Inha, who closed the door and turned around, immediately went to the freezer and opened it. He took out two frozen spoons. I wondered what he was going to do with them, then he placed them over his eyes. He looked like he was imitating an alien or a reptile.

“What are you doing?”

“Reducing the swelling.”

“That’s funny.”

“Don’t laugh.”

“How can I not laugh at that?”

“Then don’t look.”

Inha replied grumpily and turned his back to me.

“What should we have for lunch?”

Thanks to a long nap, it was already nearing lunchtime. I wanted to feed Inha, who had been starving since yesterday and had even vomited after his upset stomach, something delicious. Something special that he doesn’t usually get to eat.

“When are you leaving? You don’t have to go home, do you?”

“Uh….”

I thought of the note I had left at home last night. Since neither of my parents had contacted me yet, it seemed like no one had found the note.

Shaking off the image of the empty house, I asked Inha again,

“I don’t have to go. Is there anything you want to eat?”

“Not really… Kimbap Heaven is fine.”

“Let’s eat something more delicious. I’ll buy.”

“Oh, really?”

Inha took the spoons off his eyes and smiled bashfully.

Come to think of it, it hadn’t been long since Inha started accepting my offers to buy him things so naturally. Unlike me, who had always had ample allowance since I was young, Inha didn’t. He used to feel like he was in debt every time I treated him and always made a point of saying he would pay me back.

“I’ll really pay you back when I debut. Once I start getting paid, I’ll buy you everything you want.”

But for some reason, his words about paying me back felt disheartening. Because I wasn’t giving with the intention of getting anything back. I didn’t want any calculations between us.

“I told you, it’s okay. Do you think I’m buying you things with the intention of being paid back?”

So we often bickered about this issue. And I was always the one who won.

I would spend the money, and Inha would be with me. When we were younger, with the limited perspective of children, I thought that was good for both of us. Until much later, when Inha blurted out his true feelings.

“I want to pay you back, can’t you just accept it for once…?”

“…….”

“I want to do things for you too.”

I still remember Inha’s expression at that time.

More than anything, the faint sense of self-deprecation on his face had struck me speechless. The moment my belief that everything would be fine if I just showered him with everything I could, while saying “Let’s not make a big deal out of it,” was shattered. I never dreamed that while I was enjoying myself, a sense of self-deprecation was accumulating in kind Inha’s heart.

It was then that I realized what it truly meant to make Inha feel comfortable. Feeling sorry for not understanding his true feelings, I finally accepted his words.

“Okay.”

“…What?”

“I’ll write down everything I spend on you from today, so make sure you pay me back when you debut.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

Words that seemed somewhat cold between friends. Nevertheless, a faint smile appeared on Inha’s face.

“Okay, you just wait. Get ready to go to a hotel buffet.”

I can still clearly picture his face flushing with excitement after I said I would let him pay me back.

After that, there was an unspoken promise between us: I would buy him things freely, and Inha would record it as a future debt. Of course, I had no intention of actually receiving any of it back… but if this made him feel better.

Inha tried his best to reduce the swelling in his eyes with the spoons until I finished getting ready to go out. Since his original small inner double eyelids didn’t return, he ended up wearing horn-rimmed glasses. The glasses, which were retro in a good way, or old-fashioned in a bad way, as if he had stolen his grandfather’s glasses, covered half of his face.

“These glasses, do they have lenses?”

“Ah, these? They’re probably just samples.”

“Something’s stuck on them…”

I moved closer to look at Inha’s glasses more closely. Face to face at close range, his pupils shook wildly behind the frames as if there were an earthquake. At his stiff expression, a faint laugh escaped me.

“Who’s going to eat you?”

Stepping back, I showed him what I had just removed. It was a small, transparent sticker indicating that the glasses were new.

“Oh! I didn’t know. I’ve been wearing them like this all along.”

“You’ve been exposed as a fool.”

“….”

Soon, shuffling in our slippers and sneakers, we left the Cheongdam-dong alley. I subtly led him to a fancy restaurant where Inha usually seemed uncomfortable going.

“Is Chinese food okay?”

“Wow…! This is the place the CEO bought me food once.”

His words made my feet stop abruptly.

“You’ve been here before?”

“Yeah, it’s expensive, but it was delicious.”

It wasn’t my first time bringing him here… I was a little disappointed and wondered if I should look for a different place, but Inha already had an excited expression. Seeing his anticipation, I finally decided on this place.

A moment later, the generously ordered dishes were served in front of us. The server did mention that it was a bit much for two people, but they seemed to understand, considering we were two high school boys.

“Give me a plate. I’ll serve you.”

Soon Inha started neatly filling our individual plates with jjampong piled high with seafood. Watching him concentrate with his clumsy hands, these words tumbled out of my mouth.

“I hope it works out.”

“What?”

“You… with your crush.”

Simultaneously, jjampong noodles slipped, splashing the brilliant red broth everywhere. I jumped up and grabbed some tissues.

“Are you okay? Did it splash on your face?”

“Huh? Uh. You?”

It splashed on me a little, but it wasn’t very noticeable because of my black clothes. The problem was Inha. Not only his glasses but also his white t-shirt were dotted with bright red spots, clearly from the spilled food.

“Whoa, this is bad…”

He scrubbed his t-shirt vigorously with a water-soaked tissue, leaving a wet mark. However, due to the pulling and scrubbing, the neckline stretched and the red spots turned orange, making it look even more shabby overall.

“Give me your glasses.”

I reached out and took off Inha’s glasses. It was to clean the hazy lenses that hadn’t been completely wiped of the oil.

“Sorry…”

“What are you sorry for? It’s okay. Give me the tongs. I’ll do it.”

Inha handed me the tongs and sat down quietly. His dejected face after causing the accident was cute.

I returned to the previous topic.

“Anyway, wouldn’t it be nice if things worked out with your crush? It would be a boost for your tough trainee life.”

“What are you talking about all of a sudden?”

“Just something I was thinking about. Who knows? Someone might be interested in someone like you. Of course, the other person would be surprised at first, but…”

“…Ha…”

Inha scratched between his eyebrows as if it wasn’t worth listening to. Undeterred, I asked,

“Have you hinted at it?”

“…Why should I?”

I was the one surprised by his rather cynical reaction.

So, he doesn’t want to hint? If you like someone, you want to know how they feel about you, you want to express your feelings, and if you’re a little more ambitious, you want to date them, right? But Inha seemed to be completely devoid of those normal desires.

“Why? If you hint a little, you can gauge the other person’s reaction.”

Inha sighed, rested his chin on his hand, and looked out the window.

“The outcome will be the same regardless, so why bother?”

“You don’t know that until you try. How can you be so sure without even trying?”

“I’m sure. I’ll be rejected.”

Then, with a deep sigh, Inha said listlessly,

“Can we stop talking about this now?”

“….”

“I think I’m going to get indigestion again.”

“…Okay.”

I pushed the plate of food towards him. I wasn’t going to push him further if he didn’t want to talk. I had said it because I genuinely wanted to help, not to upset him.

We ate in silence for a while. Inha, whose thin cheeks puffed up as he focused on eating, suddenly spoke.

“But this is a secret.”

“Hmm?”

“Everything I said yesterday. Keep it a secret.”

“…Yeah, none of the company people know?”

“Nobody knows.”

I can understand Inha’s negative feelings about his crush. Liking another guy, especially a trainee, is on a different level than liking someone of the opposite sex in your class.

Besides, trainees have a tight network, even if they are from different companies. If, unfortunately, the person Inha likes takes his feelings lightly and starts spreading it around… he could be plagued by annoying rumors even after his debut.

“So, am I the only one who knows?”

“Yes.”

“Your father doesn’t know either?”

“Yes.”

“Your brother?”

“Definitely not.”

Inha shook his head firmly.

His definite answer made me feel strangely happy. It was frustrating for Inha, but I felt inexplicably proud that I was the only one who knew his secret. It reinforced the feeling that I was his best friend.

“I’ll never, ever tell anyone else in the future.”

“Hey, Inha. You shouldn’t do that.”

At my words, he looked up at me with a “What?” look in his eyes. Large eyes, unhidden by his glasses, stared at me.

“At least leave the possibility open for one person.”

“…Who?”

“Who else? The person you like.”

Inha tilted his head and stared at me.

“What I mean is, you know, if, just if, things work out and you think your feelings might be mutual, then…”

“….”

“You should at least tell that person that you like them.”

“…Well, I don’t think that will happen.”

He gave a weak smile, lowered his head, and began to focus on his food again.

🌌

It was Inha who suggested we leave the cafe after we had been chatting for a while.

“Shall we get going?”

I knew he was distracted because he kept glancing at his phone even while we were together. But it was still before sunset, and I felt a little disappointed. The weekend was still long.

Leaving the cafe, I expressed my disappointment to Inha.

“Why? It would be nice to have dinner together too.”

“I… think I need to go to the company.”

“To practice?”

At my question, Inha rubbed his forehead with his thumb and reluctantly nodded.

“You said it’s your vacation. Why the company again?”

“Because they told me to come.”

“Is it because of what the manager said earlier?”

“In times like these, we need to be tough, show our grit. Right? That way, even if they didn’t think we were something special, they’ll start to. You know?”

Honestly, I didn’t care, but Inha seemed to take it seriously.

“It wasn’t like they specifically told you to come.”

“That’s true…”

“Just rest.”

“….”

“Your knees and back hurt, so just rest. Okay? And have dinner with me later.”

But Inha remained silent. I knew he had already made up his mind.

I felt a tightness in my chest. Honestly, the ace leaving a debut team that’s already been formed is obviously the company’s fault. Loyalty and all that aside, it’s all about money in the end, so if they’re not letting him debut and things are dragging on, it’s natural for someone with options to leave. Even though it happened because of their own lack of management, the company wasn’t apologizing to the remaining members, but rather forcing even more responsibility on them.

And to be blunt, I didn’t think Inha would receive proper compensation for his efforts. It’s absolutely not because Inha is lacking or foolish. It’s because these industry people dangle hope and then wash their hands of it with a few words about “company circumstances.” One more day of practice wouldn’t make a decisive difference in his debut.

I just hoped Inha wouldn’t be too worn out in the process.

“I wish you’d learn to cut corners a bit.”

“Dude, you don’t know. I’m really good at slacking off.”

“Funny. With your personality.”

“Anyway… a few of the guys are already back at the dorm. I’m going to the practice room with them.”

Ultimately, if he was going, I had no reason to stop him.

“Inha.”

At my low call, Inha, who had been looking down awkwardly, looked up at me.

“…You’re not thinking of leaving the company too, are you?”

His eyes hardened for a moment. I carefully chose my words and cautiously voiced what I had wanted to say to him.

“You’re still young. You can do anything.”

“….”

“But from now on… things could really go wrong.”

“….”

“It wasn’t your dream in the first place.”

The night breeze blew, and a thin strand of hair fell on Inha’s forehead. I reached out and took his hand, pulling it towards me. His thin hand, with no flesh and only prominent knuckles, had almost no volume.

“Right. It wasn’t my dream.”

The expression on his face at that moment…

Seeing that listless face, I knew that Inha had already envisioned all the worst-case scenarios that could happen in his life. The life of someone who repeatedly imagines failure cannot be positive. I think I understood why the youthful vibrancy had gradually disappeared from his face.

“But now, I don’t know what to do if I quit this.”

Inha carefully pulled his hand away from mine.

“But the door is right in front of me. I don’t know if it will open or not… but until someone tells me to leave, that they won’t open the door for me, I want to hold on.”

“…That’s too miserable.”

“I think running away first would be more miserable.”

He gave a faint smile.

“That would be like throwing the last five years in the trash.”

“….”

“Anyway, it’s my choice. Nobody is making me do this.”

Inha adjusted his hat and held out his hand towards the road. A taxi that had been driving by stopped in front of me.

“Get in.”

“Huh?”

Inha quickly opened the door and pushed me inside. Helplessly pushed by his hand, which held a subtle insistence to send me off, I got into the taxi.

“Take care.”

From outside the window of the departing taxi, he mouthed “Bye” and waved.

In an instant, Inha’s figure disappeared into the distance.

“Ha…”

Finally taking my eyes off the window and leaning back against the taxi’s back seat, a sense of emptiness washed over me for some reason.

It’s the same.

Whether he quits first or is kicked out by the company, it ends up being the same – the last five years in the trash.

If it were me, I would have kicked out those scammers, saying I didn’t need them. At least then I’d have my pride.

I leaned my head back against the taxi seat.

But this was the difference between Inha and me. And if I thought of it as just another part of the Inha I liked, I had to accept it.

Lost in thought, something suddenly crossed my mind. I took out my phone from my pocket.

‘Inha sent me a picture once, I think… or did I not save it?’

After scrolling through my camera roll for a while, I went to the chat window where I had exchanged messages with Inha. I opened the photo album, and thankfully, the photos we had exchanged before were still there.

‘Found it.’

What I was looking for was a picture of the trainees at Inha’s company. Knowing I wasn’t particularly fond of trainee life, Inha didn’t usually talk about company matters. That’s why it was rare for him to send me photos like this. Even this photo I found was from almost a year ago, and it was the only one with trainees other than Inha.

In the photo, boys of similar age were gathered together, creating a friendly atmosphere as they looked at the camera.

Which one is it? The one Inha likes.

Inha in the photo was standing at the edge of the group, leaning in with a small smile. A boy with a small chin and upturned eyes, a pretty boy, caught my eye. He had his arm around Inha’s neck, pulling him close.

“….”

I studied the boy closely. First, I was bothered by the casual way he had his arm around Inha’s neck, and second, I was bothered by the fact that Inha, whose body was leaning due to the boy’s pull, didn’t seem to mind it.

He seemed a bit short and as thin as Inha. He had bleached hair long enough to cover his neck, tied in a half-ponytail. With his long hair and half-closed eyes, he looked like a pretty girl with cat-like features from afar.

The more I stared at the photo, unable to find an answer, the more my mood sank.

Inha hadn’t told me who he liked. He usually wasn’t guarded around me, so the fact that he hadn’t even given me a small hint meant he must have been determined not to let it slip.

I felt a pang of disappointment.

“Ha…”

I turned off the screen and shoved my phone into my pocket. Then, my fingertips brushed against a piece of paper.

「Godo Entertainment Management Team XXX Director」

It was the business card I had received from the manager that morning. Staring at the innocent piece of paper, I grabbed the edges and ripped it to shreds.

“Everyone in this business is a director.”

After tearing it into tiny pieces until it was unrecognizable, I crumpled the remains tightly in my hand.

🌌

My friend likes a man.

The aftereffects of this revelation hit me later.

At the moment I heard it, I was so busy comforting and consoling Inha, who had been suffering alone, that I didn’t realize the depth of the shock I had felt. But when I was alone, I was invariably consumed by Inha’s crush. I was preoccupied with it for a while.

Who is it? How did he come to like him so much?

How did he become certain that he felt something more than just thinking someone was pretty or cute, and wanting to get closer to them?

How can he feel that way about a man?

Did he… ever dream of himself being intimate with a man?

And my thoughts always stopped there. It was too much to imagine Inha liking another man like that. Just imagining Inha entangled with another man gave me goosebumps, enough to wake me up from my sleep.

“Ha… damn… really.”

I can’t sleep.

Running my hands through my hair over and over, I regretted looking at the photo of the trainees.

The face of the pretty boy with his arm around Inha’s neck kept popping up, tormenting me. I don’t know why I kept imagining them looking into each other’s eyes or hugging each other closely. I absolutely do not want to imagine my friend kissing a man.

If I hadn’t known the other person’s face, the image wouldn’t have been so vivid.

After several days of these recurring and disturbing images, I finally realized that I needed more time to process the shock I had received.

Come to think of it, the fact that Inha likes someone might be the shock itself. And to like someone so much that he cries and suffers alone… I never imagined Inha would be like that. I don’t mean it in a bad way. It’s just… Inha always had a naive and immature side. It felt strange that he seemed to have matured mentally so suddenly, without me knowing.

So, is the confusion I feel because Inha knows this deep emotion, one that even I haven’t experienced, before me? Is it because he seems to be ahead of me?

But no matter how much I thought about it, that wasn’t it.

It was a more fundamental kind of discomfort, something completely different…

Anyway, as this time spent thinking alone lengthened, my memories gradually began to compress and simplify. To what extent, you ask? Just thinking about that day would immediately bring the sound of him crying, like an auditory hallucination. The pitiful sound of him swallowing his tears with his back turned, alone in the dim, cave-like dorm room, replayed in my ears at all hours.

Come to think of it, that day was probably the first time I saw Inha cry so sorrowfully. Moreover, just confessing that he liked a man made him so sick he vomited… How difficult must it have been for him all this time?

The whole situation felt surreal.

Yes. This confusing feeling wasn’t just because he said he liked a man.

It was because, through this incident, I learned so much about a side of Inha I hadn’t known.

To be honest, I was happy that he showed me his tears, and that he told me he liked a man. Inha looked like he regretted telling me, but that wasn’t right. Rather, I wanted to draw out and hear every story he was hiding.

So now, I wanted to know all the moments he hadn’t told me about. How he fell for this person, what he liked so much about him, when he felt hurt and thought he should give up…

And how he felt now.

🌌

「What time does practice end? I’ll go near the company.」

I sent the message, but it was Inha who came looking for me first.

As always, he was waiting for me behind the basketball court, brightly lit by the night lights.

“I went to the Korean medicine clinic. Look, I got physical therapy and acupuncture.”

As I approached the bench, Inha pulled up his wide-legged training pants to his knees. The marks from the physical therapy were mottled on his slender calves, his kneecaps protruding.

“Good job.”

“Yeah.”

Inha smiled sweetly like a well-fed cat.

“You know it won’t work with just one visit.”

“Yeah. I have to go consistently.”

I plopped down beside him and silently wiped the sweat from his forehead with the back of my hand. Inha spoke again.

“I should have just stayed with you that day.”

“When?”

“That weekend you came to the dorm… I went back to the company at night. But we practiced until dawn, and no one from the company came.”

“….”

“Everyone felt like they came for nothing.”

Inha laughed emptily. I knew this was Inha’s unique way of making amends. He was admitting, albeit belatedly, that I was right, that he had gone to the Korean medicine clinic and done as I said.

Despite everything, he was the type to accommodate others well. I raised my hand and lightly touched his cheek, as if caressing it.

“See, you should have listened to me.”

“I know.”

“But you don’t regret going to practice.”

He mumbled in reply, a smile playing on his lips.

“Ah, well, that’s true…”

“It’s fine. I wasn’t sulking because you abandoned me.”

“….”

“I just want you to be healthy.”

At my words, Inha awkwardly fiddled with the back of his neck.

I crushed the plastic water bottle in my hand. After making it smaller than my fist, I tossed it into a distant trash can.

Amidst the clatter of the basketball bouncing on the court, we were silent for a moment. Even without exchanging words, I could feel a gentle air enveloping us.

“Have you ever eaten cherries?”

“I used to eat them a lot when I was young…”

I suddenly stood up, reached out, and pulled a nearby cherry tree branch. However, the cherries within easy reach seemed to have already been picked. Stepping onto the bench and looking more closely, I saw dark, luscious fruits hanging higher up. Inha awkwardly stood up after me.

“Why? Do you want to eat some?”

“Yeah. Inha, can you hold this here? I’ll pick those up there.”

While Inha held the branch, I picked a few cherries from above. Then I hopped down and handed them to him. He silently took a cherry, put it in his mouth, and met my eyes.

“It stains your lips.”

Inha went to wipe his lips with his sleeve. I grabbed his wrist to stop him.

“Silly. You’ll stain your clothes.”

I examined his lips closely. The slightly chapped part of his full bottom lip was faintly stained a dark blue. As I stared, Inha suddenly lowered his head and shifted uncomfortably.

“Are you sore? Do you want to sit on my bag?”

“…Huh? Suddenly?”

“Your legs get stiff when you sit in one position for too long.”

When he declined, saying he was fine, I pointed to my thigh.

“Then sit on me.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“Why not?”

Inha took my bag and sat on it, as if saying, “Fine, have it your way.”

“I’m more comfortable than your bag.”

“Are you stupid? You’re harder.”

“Your lips are pretty.”

“Huh?”

“Dark lipstick suits you.”

Inha laughed, as if dumbfounded by my playful tone.

I put a cherry in my mouth. The delicate flesh burst, and a sweeter-than-expected taste spread in my mouth.

“The reason I wanted to see you today…”

“Ah, right.”

As I brought up the main topic, Inha shifted uncomfortably again. I pointed to my thigh again, suggesting he sit there instead, and ended up getting slapped on the arm.

“Actually, what you said has been on my mind for the past few days.”

“Oh? Uh…”

Inha wet his stained lips with his tongue. The tip of his tongue, darting out, was stained black.

“I know it’s been hard for you, and I want to understand everything… but it’s not easy.”

“That’s… understandable. It’s not a simple issue.”

“You told me to just forget about it. I finally understand why you said that. That was also consideration.”

“….”

“But unless I get amnesia, that’s not possible…”

I rummaged through my pants pocket.

“There’s something I’m really curious about.”

“Yeah?”

Inha’s expression became tense. Seeing his face, I hesitated, wondering if I should back down. I knew Inha would get depressed again talking about the person he liked.

But if I let this go, I wouldn’t be able to sleep either. I was dying to know who Inha liked.

Okay, let’s ask.

“Is it this guy?”

I held my phone screen in front of his eyes. The bright light from the screen illuminated his face, outlining his features clearly. Inha’s gaze landed on the photo. I pointed to the pretty boy with bleached hair.

“The one you like.”

I immediately scrutinized Inha’s expression.

“…You think I like… him?”

But Inha’s face was just blank. It was hard to tell if he was frozen in surprise because I was right on the mark, or if he was dumbfounded because I had missed completely. I stared at his face during that brief moment, trying to find any clue, but I couldn’t glean any truth.

Inha, frozen with a bewildered expression, finally opened his mouth.

“…Why did you think it was him?”

Well. It was just a hunch. A baseless one.

Looking back at my phone, I explained the feeling I had when I saw the picture again.

“I don’t know. He just… seemed close to you.”

“….”

“And if you cover his hair and just look at his face, he looks like a pretty girl.”

“Like a… girl?”

“Yeah. With a face like that, I thought maybe he could at least kiss…”

At that moment, Inha’s lowered eyelids twitched slightly. A strange expression flickered across his face, a faint displeasure.

I was right.

I felt like I finally had a clue.

There was only one reason he would be upset by my comment about being able to kiss.

“Ha…”

Inha looked troubled as he raised his hand to his chin, as if covering his mouth. He lowered his hand again, clasped his hands together, and fiddled with them aimlessly. He looked down, straight ahead, then at the sky in the distance, before looking straight ahead again. Every time a complex emotion flickered across Inha’s honest face, I became more certain that my deduction was correct.

I was waiting for him to quietly concede when Inha, chewing on his cherry-stained lip, ran his hand through his hair and spoke with a sigh.

“Man… you really…”

“Yeah.”

“Think completely differently. No… not differently, but I should say this is what’s normal.”

“Hmm?”

I leaned closer to hear Inha’s rambling voice better. But Inha moved back just as much. I felt a pang of disappointment at his reserve.

“If you like a man, why would you look for someone with a feminine face?”

“…Ah, is that so…”

“You have no idea what it’s like to like a man.”

Inha lightly scolded me. I looked away and fidgeted with the back of my head.

“Yeah, I don’t know.”

“That’s why you don’t understand me.”

“I was trying to understand.”

“Understand what? Me?”

“Yeah. I was curious what it feels like to like a man.”

Inha opened and closed his mouth several times, his face a mixture of wanting to say a lot or being completely speechless. Meanwhile, I decided to be honest about the worries that had been plaguing me for the past few days.

“I’ll be honest. I still get goosebumps just thinking about you kissing a man.”

“Why would you even imagine that?!”

Inha exclaimed, as if I was being ridiculous. I continued resolutely.

“Just listen. I’m not saying I have a phobia.”

“Ha…”

“I told you, I want to understand you. This is as important to me as my own problems. This is happening to you, not someone else.”

“….”

“Aren’t you going to meet someone you love in the future? You’re not going to have unrequited love forever, are you? Someday you’ll meet someone who’s right for you, and I don’t want to be the one congratulating you with a hesitant face.”

Inha sighed deeply, covering his face with both hands. His small, sculpted face was completely hidden within his relatively large hands.

“At first, I didn’t understand why I kept having these unpleasant thoughts. You know how it is, like when you keep touching a sore spot, trying to get used to the pain… I think I wanted to train myself, subconsciously.”

“…What kind of thoughts did you have…”

The image of Inha kissing that boy flashed before my eyes again. Frowning, I continued.

“Anyway, it’s sudden and unfamiliar now, but if I try, I’ll get used to it someday. It’s just a person liking a person, after all.”

I lightly shook Inha’s shoulder, still covering his face. I asked, “Right?” as if seeking agreement. Inha mumbled, rubbing his eyebrows with his hand covering his face.

“And you think the way to do that is to stare at a picture and categorize men into those you can imagine kissing and those you can’t…”

“It’s kind of helpful.”

Well, there were results. I found out who Inha liked.

But Inha shook his head firmly.

“Don’t do that.”

“Why?”

“What if you become gay too?”

I burst out laughing at his words. Smiling, I pulled Inha’s shoulder and hugged him lightly.

“Don’t worry. That will never happen.”

🌌

While walking Inha back to his dorm, I cautiously asked him the questions that had been on my mind. Fortunately, this time Inha didn’t completely shut me out like last time.

With an air of resignation, he started to answer my questions readily.

“Is the person you like now your first love?”

“Yeah.”

“How long have you liked him?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why don’t you know?”

He scratched his head with a silly expression.

“I’ve never counted.”

“Count now.”

Inha tilted his head and raised a finger.

“Ninth grade…? Tenth, eleventh, and now, so it’s been over three years.”

“Since ninth grade?”

“Actually, I’m confused about the timing. I don’t know exactly when I started liking him as more than a friend.”

“So that’s why you said you’ve never counted.”

“Yeah.”

“Was it when I wasn’t around?”

Inha stared at me at my words.

When I was in middle school, my family tried to immigrate to the United States. We ended up coming back, but… It felt strange that during the only time I wasn’t by Inha’s side, someone else filled his heart.

Anyway, a lot of things finally made sense. Maybe Inha didn’t tell me not because he didn’t want to, but because he couldn’t. Because I wasn’t there.

Knowing that eased my mind a bit.

“Then how did you know you liked him as more than a friend?”

“Um… um… that’s a bit difficult.”

Our steps slowed as we got closer to the dorm. I didn’t want to rush the moment, as he was so readily opening up about his feelings. Inha must have felt the same, because when we reached the front of the dorm, instead of saying goodbye and going in, he glanced up at the windows and then turned to face me.

“What’s so difficult?”

“There wasn’t any specific event.”

“Ah.”

Even though I had never experienced unrequited love, I nodded knowingly.

“I thought I never wanted to be apart from him…”

“You can think that about a friend too.”

“That’s true. And I thought I wanted him to like me back.”

“That’s also possible between friends.”

“No, not like that. Are you stupid?”

“If not like that, then what? Do you want to kiss him?”

Inha’s ears and cheeks flushed red. His hands twitched, clenching and unclenching into fists.

“Well, according to you, the only way to differentiate between liking and loving is through physical touch.”

“No…”

“Did you cry so hard because you couldn’t kiss him?”

At the indirect mention of him choking back tears that day, Inha finally punched me lightly in the chest. It was a sign to stop teasing him. I clutched my chest and frowned, pretending to be hurt, but my smile betrayed me.

“You just know. That it’s not just liking as a friend.”

“….”

“That’s why I said it’s hard to explain…”

“Okay, I understand.”

I smiled as I rubbed my chest. That was a feeling I truly couldn’t understand.

As a heterosexual, I start with the premise that feelings can develop with the opposite sex, and then eliminate those who don’t fit, building relationships that are both romantic and platonic. But for him, who likes another man, the order would be the opposite. Conventionally, same-sex relationships start with friendship.