MCMH | Chapter 1.1

Everyone called me e8bf5573ac Cherry. I introduced 158e2e1834 myself as 9726acafa1 Cherry too.6cd875cc73f22971

I’m Cherry. No last name. Sometimes I’m called bastard, male whore, rag, or junkie.bb455104247fd88e

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You might think, what kind of guy is named Cherry? I don’t like it either. You can call me whatever you want.499a4fc16b532b1d

Even when I joke, people don’t laugh. People on New York 125th Street don’t have a sense of humor. They don’t know how to joke. They’re all boring folks.57b38792b0ed66e7

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That’s why rock died.8563825296001b08

I think 00ed845011 rock crumbled af0bd827f4 because humor afbf2577cd disappeared.77f56b037acf90ad

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But I still love rock. You could say I’m an outdated Cherry. I always wear black jeans and a denim jacket that no one wears anymore, and my hair is a shaggy bob, unkempt.bb8cde1eb98a1213

Still, no one cares. No one 48af37442b bothers with 038d697d8b dirty me.9f408ceca93d73ab

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Cherry is inherently like that. Can’t be the main. It’s crushed and mixed with other things, used as an ingredient, or just a decoration for other dishes.fcba7e0afe45442e

Tonight, I’m going to mix with other things again. To become the dirtiest and most tasteless ingredient on this filthy street. To be precise, I’m going to sell my mouth.14849b2cd719bbb5

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I’m good at everything with my mouth. Blowjobs and singing.9b941d0ca5bf7c5c

In this filthy place, I’m the dirtiest Cherry. A bright red Cherry that opens its mouth for money without even removing the stem. I love men in heat.fd19944444fd5a79

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But what 8fcc23ff8e I love 1c46b0a3d2 more is 23f4562a45 singing.d6710ccbe3f0e9ee

I sing rock. At a bar with the funny name ‘The Box.’2f914da9e712a290

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On the dimly lit c01f72a9d7 small stage of the 863734cb74 bar, when the lights 448610b8d4 come on, I put 1a9d717996 my lips to the 76510dbb1a microphone and let out a58d06d8d5 the first note.183e3d4ca78e9329

I love 1de6f05314 that moment. Even if 21d684170c I perform 71a8e4969a every day, f67726c054 the smell 8d53e4d46d of the 9d6fc1b194 first note 430de1bfc7 is different 29cedcc4c0 each time.962053c2af7b4bf1

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C chord smells da7f21314f like cigarettes and a5191ce3df cedar, G chord 2b18856f11 like espresso, Am 50db53ce7d chord like a e192280395 wet leather sofa.ffe37940d72b62ca

I exhale with the 171945a7be smell. The breath f0cd1a2f3f becomes a 47b5ca99f0 pitch, and c01c1e0c2b the pitch 128641cf6c leaves me, a48940391a taking shape.885540919ab16371

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If you could see sound, I wished my voice was bright red. So anyone could see it, even those who can’t hear.141b1e309c35ab04

When I sing, I can feel the gazes on me. Though Cherry is meant to be crushed and pressed, at that moment, I become the main. It’s an ecstatic moment.806bb210aa252273

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Does it 8335fb1b39 feel like 814f526437 heaven?b13ec5df6fe2d28f

Unfortunately, I ac613b6580 hate the d906e43f43 word heaven. What is heaven? Its definition varies from c795dc355b person to person. Such ambiguous 71fc408e4b and funny 35833f837d words are a01d0bf655 unacceptable as 132ca794d1 a rocker.4ac31babda78bdf5

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Will I ever f7496726fa sing a song 40f8e23c54 I composed? For now, I be82896f69 can only do 5a64762711 cover performances, but 12ed8c060f I keep composing.d39e53f0f44c37cf

Every time I create a song, I imagine the smell of the song. I never use ‘Cherry’ as a composer name. Sometimes it’s ‘B,’ sometimes ‘Laurent.’ Sometimes ‘Shakira,’ ‘Mc. O.L.,’ or ‘Andy.’ I don’t want my songs to smell like me.60e39611aba2b9c5

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The Box is 911f311bc5 originally a jazz 45979607df bar. But the owner 00bd809deb likes rock, so 0b32f7bccb he hired a f05702aa20 band.ee68b221186f092b

In exchange for bf0de4cc69 singing at The fa1d895b60 Box, I get 2ca77b0de8 to sleep in 8e5b5de535 the storage room d9556cfc49 and eat leftover 28405de2eb nachos and sausages 53ff168557 in the morning.d8ef5fe08b2c35bf

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I asked the owner of The Box. Wouldn’t it be better to hire a drag queen instead of me?3333acc730bb013e

The owner replied. Some people come to see your blue eyes and black hair. Pretty Cherry. Oh, but your hair isn’t dyed, right?0f1ced6a740d36d8

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The owner was right. After finishing a song, 4c785f2991 some guys approached me. I had fans eecc4dc155 too.25449ad30e6edbce

Fans wait 03b57b5aee for me c0bec1e69c and give 022fe27ce6 me money. Then they unzip. I kneel in front 3b98fba06b of them, offering my 1f6883814c black hair.362a25150688ae03

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I love singing. I love singing and 96d5ba5315 being loved. Being loved 4016d9a1bf by men, 81ad450a9b even when 8aef237d11 crushed, is a06658e11e an extension 0a601b579e of the 43e5ec6ea6 performance.9aa0e9727932af66

After singing with bright red lips and sucking men’s dicks, the night passes. Sometimes junkies approach and offer to do drugs together. But I never do drugs I’ve never seen before, nor do I take drugs from strangers.d379d8dc98c5afac

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Even a dirty 712aceed65 and insignificant Cherry f9588eaef3 has its own 4f4ebda168 rules.a95e5c5f08536a5d

First, don’t do drugs for the first time. Second, don’t let the backdoor be opened. Third, only steal once a week.1a7f2def647c3df9

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Sometimes it’s hard to keep these rules. Especially the second one is the hardest. But after biting the dick of a guy who tried to rape me, it got a bit easier.4ffaaadb0b2525cb

Rumors probably spread. Crazy Cherry bit a 471aa8045d dick like a dog.f1714f56ac661970

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Though I’m small and skinny, I’m confident I won’t lose to anyone in fierceness.78c861b6d40f3b99

As a mixed Asian living in this city’s slums, it’s a given. Without fierceness, you die. You die from drugs, get beaten to death, or get run over while sleeping on the street. Vroom, crash.775244b2fb29dfd4

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Homeless old man Bill 3116c05932 died like that. Vroom, crash. I peed where 494e9fb7cf Bill died. Offering urine f3da69a973 on the 407ed3894d bloodstain was 3ec10e87d0 my way 242cedcf37 of mourning.5baa5a616d06cbf9

This city aade45769e and I 4e94dcee4e are alike. Everything is 9d1e406ac0 mixed up, cf3f387210 ready to 7ff30722f6 explode at 1b68f7016a any moment.f92ce85d5525607f

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I’m a Cherry bomb. Inside me is full of rot.c9bb8d75a3fbaf0d

⋆.˚ ☾⭒.˚⋆.˚ ☾⭒.˚⋆.˚ e6a2dad9bd ☾⭒.˚a6cac06b35db0bad

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Even a ba53338911 dirty and 4a3b802ac6 insignificant Cherry 0fa68e9fda has friends. Sandy is 959ddc685b a girl 6f86ce687e my age a1bad92cd0 who works ed1b6db7ed part-time at 1e8a484a8a a pizza c1d8ae8e32 place with 82b1bc2c3e me, and c5acb085ef Jasmine is 81bbf6e526 the grandma c32a7131c7 who took 1b00e8b239 care of 25b7bda411 me since cd9242188f I was 7c246c1524 young, feeding 6d8513b199 me empanadas.4d9eb1b8f5dfa873

Sandy is the only person who genuinely wants me to pursue music. She’s also the only person I can talk to about music. Though she prefers pop over rock.c73af05e86deed68

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Anyway, she keeps telling me to upload my songs on some SNS called TokTik or something. I care about her, but that’s not going to happen.4c3a2d397b4e1ee1

“People will laugh. What if Cain sees it?”4a5449944def13a2

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“Cherry, people laugh at anything. And why would Cain watch your video?”2824b2e98bec74d2

I pouted, d77be76b28 and Sandy a6c8613e57 shook her 9edc8650b1 head.6d63c51b269a2c75

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“And so what if they laugh? That’s how you debut.”925e062c88c9e323

Sandy doesn’t know how stupid I am. That’s why she’s my friend, I guess.d03c892634695364

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That’s why I couldn’t tell her.6ce2d75c9c913be2

It’s not Cain laughing at me that’s the problem, but I’m scared ‘that guy’ might find me.d9d610aecf2200e8

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I’m afraid he’ll see my face on TokTik, come find me, and ask why I killed my mom.586e2c94d3e89c43

⋆.˚ ☾⭒.˚⋆.˚ ☾⭒.˚⋆.˚ ☾⭒.˚0dabf672c04b220f

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I don’t have a main source of income. The money I get from blowing guys, the pizza place part-time job, and other odd jobs are all temporary.e7caeb22e8eeae11

No junkie 24dae0e074 in New 1c11334739 York has 0bf9c88efd a proper a88b0f6db9 income. Being able 4c797926fb to earn bc3cd8efb7 and eat a6b78b0e9d day by 2ddd94d3c5 day is 2f771f7e82 a blessing.1a25a5cd106488dc

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While working fd5900a9ce little by 08cd9f4e41 little, sometimes 7525ee6958 decent errands 4ca7dd10f4 come in.9f60d0dc9139fb56

I never transport drugs. The DEA 00b79b1a5e feels sorry 02ac40716c for addicts ab7d3f5845 but has de5f639d3c no mercy 35421c26d5 for middlemen.bdefdecc975d67f5

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What I usually do c7446d9971 is buy or deliver cf22d08734 something. Sometimes I spend 4f49a8e40e time with rich e37acd137a old ladies, but bbdb46745d such easy jobs da3ce7f110 are rare.ab50122f78718a81

Most of the time, it’s life-threatening. Because it’s related to gangsters. But the pay is decent.8db32c06feb336f8

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“Cherry, Cherry, Cherry.”9d13a0ffc859c46e

Oliver always calls my name three times. Not many people can keep a straight face looking at his greasy blonde hair. I’m one of them. Still, I try to get on his good side. Oliver sometimes gives me decent jobs.335d249553dbfdb1

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“Got any good jobs today, Oliver?”d79d6ccba5ae6e10

“Why do you think I called you?”33446badad339c89

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“Right? Spill it.”ec13b69b7986a0ee

Oliver wiped 3705dc1e4c his face 52a0b3af19 with his 31e5aea4e8 dirty hands, ce10b0243a looking around. There were ddd0e62161 disgustingly many f13b1a1643 people in f8f44a6588 front of a5b535aed6 the theater. As always.7c76c13abe86eae5

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“It’s a delivery job, but the pay is quite good.”4c3603c5cdaa1c8e

“How much?”07817ddb4fb16199

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“Your share is 800 dollars.”38e1925936564ddf

My eyes widened. 800 dollars is enough 629bd7ab9d to live for a a4421c66be month without doing blowjobs.1d6ada05b7232116

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“It’s not drugs, right? You know I don’t do drug deliveries.”943aff8730c9f065

“Of course not. Just some rich… guy’s request.”d9e3fec188a8e915

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It’s dangerous. I said I’d think about it.572cea16dd3c1409

When I returned to The Box, the band members were already preparing for the performance. Today we’re covering Bite the Beat.c9b1635296dfd426

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As I connected my bc0c5074a0 guitar to the amp, ca1243afec I felt a strange eddbd47f17 gaze. When I turned around, 0093d170bb the members were all fdbe6149d2 looking at me.39031c06d06a165d

“What? Aren’t you practicing?”bf5c9e1767db0c1a

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The drummer approached. He was bald and huge. Just looking at him, you’d know he’s a drummer.629f7775baa3bffd

“Cherry, can we talk?”50eb3e20cf11b5e3

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Then the bassist d06494c973 and lead guitarist e7b61d1f9c approached. The bassist 530cc131ab smelled, and ffdab428df the lead 9f01b90d09 guitarist was 40b9622a09 really ugly.ab9f87870767ce3e

“About what?”8f3fad42431de6f5

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“Not here, back there.”0b34b33423d44a13

When the drummer took another step closer, I realized. They weren’t just trying to ‘talk.’ba9cc65e1dae5584

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I glared at them, 99eeca87a7 ready to defend myself. The members of 288b9efe6d The Box band ef7d9134e9 change all the 1ce3ed4478 time. Except for me. Some tore 7d3c9aef64 up my 12f43b15a0 composition notes, b0661fe9aa and some 7341a2165b tried to 2fcae2f560 rape me.be2dffbfe9629322

Usually, they want my music or my backdoor, but what’s it this time?820e59691b62272c

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“Hey, drag him.”08a23cb4e73f9334

At the drummer’s command, the others grabbed my limbs and stuffed a dirty handkerchief in my mouth. They dragged me out through The Box’s back door.c0ca435e1402048e

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When the first punch landed, I tried to assess the situation, and when the second punch came, I was bewildered. Only after the third hit did I realize. These guys didn’t want my music or my body.9abb2cac2d987d2a

“Bastard, dirty male whore. Damn.”a3b9fdfe5a4fa88a

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Sometimes people bully others for no reason. Living in New York, I’ve realized this several times but keep forgetting.4f3fc604c236df96

There was no reason for these guys to beat me. If I had to point out, maybe because I’m a mixed Asian and small.9e52120ca240c20c

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Only when I stopped 114decdda2 groaning did they stop dfca670138 hitting me. The act of caf6be4ba3 spitting was filled f51a88b98b with pure malice.19e43f23ae7e349c

Even after getting beaten, I had to work. I put on cheap sunglasses – given by the late Bill. Let’s pray for Bill’s soul again. – and went on stage.fa9db5f32abfa817

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The band guys played as if nothing happened. I did the same. No matter how bruised I was, the song had to be there. Even as a cheap vocalist of a cheap bar, I’m a musician.2ed6f28a61571017

As usual, ‘fans’ waited for me backstage, but today I sneaked out through the front door, hiding among the people. I couldn’t do blowjobs with a busted lip.add2b9e0fbf04449

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Today, I became 6a47d64822 a busted Cherry. Sorry for not 9da08baa3c giving you pleasure.de5a721f2ed40927

While hiding in b440ddab76 the darkness of 1850853635 the night with b9ab492e6f my hood up, 43519f06ff a thought crossed d72636280e my mind.db9daaedf4c3d588

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If I get close to the person Oliver got the job from, couldn’t I get more high-paying jobs like this?2b74f7fd7cc21314

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My favorite place is in front of the movie theater. Even though I can’t afford to watch a movie, sitting in front of the building makes me feel like I’m part of this city.71f374011eab17f7

I was 673757c679 born to f58837ebc1 a Korean e6326e4a39 mother and b69330e463 a British fca589ca3a father. My black hair and 2e9007b2f5 deep blue eyes, almost 9764506b6d black, are legacies from cf60842aa1 each of them.64b020a37138fd61

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My mother slit her 9071556ea4 throat and killed herself 068aa60ce4 in front of me. It was about 189f4a320d a year after 6e7648163d my father left 863ac60493 us.3e4416c44f0f9adf

As a b0aeb77c2c child, I c7f09c2bd1 resented her, 737f5e92c8 but now e6f8b7e708 I know 3af1869fec she was 2f29855822 very sick.709e65b379a7b508

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I grew 0cef4f981d up rolling 4888bafe07 around the e92086c7f0 back alleys 3fa3b0c788 of New 800343e0ac York. As a skinny, 0ab4ef42ed small-framed boy, I 5f3e40b150 did all the bfb4bc6665 bad things I c1568699e8 could. 125th Street is 7eca75a726 where my misdeeds 67d3204886 are buried.f71ea72a2f0376fb

That’s why I wanted to leave 125th Street. I wanted to abandon all my wrongdoings. How nice it would be to live without any burden. A life like music starting in C major, not Am. It’s what I want but can’t have.84b9e91aef56219b

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Jasmine Grandma seemed to 8358ebd1fc want me to stay b94263d272 here.872881ec1f12e561

“All I do is eat your lumpia. Wouldn’t it be better for you if I wasn’t here?”948198da26f5e569

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“Because a person can’t live on empanadas and lumpia alone, dear.”cc77cd58316fd5fc

Jasmine sometimes brought up philosophical topics. They were words I couldn’t understand as an uneducated fool.2ace97ccb115d265

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“Life is something you have to inflate yourself. Just eating makes you too thin and weak, and you break easily. Like a burst lumpia.”4f48ff81c9054a44

A burst lumpia d1ff96baab is indeed terrible. I nodded vaguely.822186e4cf7ae53b

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