INT Ch 4.2

“He gave me a watch worth more than his annual salary as a Christmas present, and he still got dumped.”

“You should have at least pretended to spread your legs. He spent his entire fortune on a watch to woo you, and you acted like you didn’t know, so that’s why he ended up like that.”

“Doing that kind of thing blinds you.”

“That guy’s eyes are fine.”

“We’ll see about that.”

“I have to go. Stop chattering.”

As if he were a lover reluctant to part, Hyun Woojin tried to kiss him again, but Haewon avoided it. Hyun Woojin’s lips touched Haewon’s cheek and temple. A sigh of restraint sounded loudly in his ear.

“Do that again, and I’ll bite your tongue off.”

Forgetting that he had been eagerly sucking on Hyun Woojin’s tongue just moments ago, Haewon warned him. As if savoring the taste of Haewon’s lips, Hyun Woojin closed his mouth and savored something. He spoke to Haewon, who was looking for an opportunity to escape from the inescapable situation.

“Moon Haewon and I met after Taeshin died. It’s not like I’m stealing a friend’s lover, and I’m not two-timing either. Don’t be mistaken.”

“Who asked you?”

“Why are you hesitating and feeling so guilty? If you feel that guilty, you should have answered his call. You should have answered before he jumped. What’s the point of feeling sentimental and pitying now? Will Lee Taeshin come back to life if you push me away because you feel guilty? Is that what you want?”

Hyun Woojin spoke as if he could read every thought in Haewon’s mind. It was an incorrect thought, a flawed reasoning.

He leaned in close. Unable to argue against the nonsense, Haewon stared blankly at the lips that were whispering something.

“Why are you being so serious on your own? I’m not that serious about you to make you overreact like this.”

Hyun Woojin didn’t want Haewon to notice the slight trembling in his body, so he deliberately stared at him sharply. Hyun Woojin lightly touched Haewon’s cheek.

“It means you don’t need to be serious.”

“Don’t. I’ll bite.”

His lips drew closer and closer. It wasn’t a joke. Haewon warned him again. His lips ignored the warning and drew a smooth curve.

“Mmph…!”

The lips of the one who devours light attacked Haewon.

∞ ∞ ∞

Upon hearing the news that the professor had returned after finishing the seminar, Haewon visited the school after a long time. After finishing the lesson by completing the piece that he couldn’t finish last time, he left the practice room.

Despite being winter break, the music department practice rooms were as busy with students as during the semester. The sound of a piano played with no sense of rhythm grew louder and then softer as he moved. Although the performance skills were poor, perhaps because they were young, the students’ performances had a kind of awkward boldness and transparent brilliance. Coming to the school always refreshed Haewon’s mood.

The campus was quiet. Haewon walked through the streets, where patches of snow still remained here and there, and rummaged through his bag at the sound of the bell. The number displayed on his phone screen was Choi Sunbae.

“Hello.”

― Is it okay to talk?

“Yes, it’s fine.”

― The same job came up again. Will you do it?

Despite his resolve not to rely on his father’s help, Haewon recently received a card from him. There was nothing more painful and exhausting than teaching someone, and there weren’t many such jobs. He had to clean his instrument, renew his violin insurance, and there were many other expenses. The income from his part-time jobs was barely enough to cover these expenses, let alone his living costs.

Haewon gave up quickly. Eventually, he called his father. Now he had two cards that no one could question him about. So there was no need to take on other work. He planned to focus on recovering his condition and practicing for a while, having lost his life rhythm due to various issues recently.

“No, I can’t do it.”

― Didn’t you say you needed money?

“My father decided to keep supporting me.”

― Oh dear.

“Anyway, thanks for thinking of me.”

To Haewon’s reply, Sunbae sighed and said:

― Do you remember meeting President Kim Jeonggeun last time?

“Yes.”

He had already heard his name in newspapers and news, but it was the first time he saw the real person, the practical head of the Han Kyung group. He was someone who could appreciate classical music. Although the meeting was brief, his deep knowledge of music and his kind and humble demeanor as the head of a large group left a strong impression.

― Actually, he specifically requested it. He seems to want to hear your solo.

“My solo?”

― He really liked your performance last time. I promised Han Kyung that I would do it since you said you needed money. What should we do?

Walking slowly across the campus while talking with Sunbae on the phone, Haewon stopped in his tracks.

“You should have asked me first.”

― I’m sorry. I assumed you’d accept and didn’t think it through.

“Just refuse, please.”

― You know it’s hard for me to refuse his request. His wife is on our foundation’s board, and it was Kim Jeonggeun who replaced the conductor last time. He said the repertoire was too similar every year. It was a sign of disrespect. How can I reject someone like that?

Thanks to his father, Haewon no longer needed money but had recently asked him for profitable work. Sunbae had intentionally taken care of him, so he felt morally obligated. But he didn’t want to do it. He didn’t want to do it because it was a personal request. Performing in a concert hall was fine, but he disliked the idea of a recital in front of Kim Jeonggeun and a few acquaintances.

Moreover, Kim Jeonggeun was acquainted with Hyun Woojin. Hyun Woojin had bitten his lips. He had never seen Hyun Woojin, who left bleeding, since then. He didn’t want to see him again or create any chances for that to happen.

“I’m sorry. I don’t want to do it.”

― Haewon. Moon Haewon.

The voice calling his name in desperation suddenly sounded pitiful. It must have been a difficult problem for Sunbae, an employee of Han Kyung Symphony and the head of his household. From Sunbae’s perspective, wanting to foster ties with Han Kyung Group, he had no choice but to cling to him. But just because he felt pity didn’t mean Haewon should comply, and he felt uncomfortable with Sunbae’s pleading attitude.

Sunbae assumed that if he clung to him, Haewon would agree. Asking the person involved before making such promises was the proper order. Accepting this would make it harder to refuse next time. If he agreed to one request, they would ask for two next time, and after that, ten. Cruel as it was, that was Sunbae’s nature. That’s why Haewon had also refused Sunbae’s offer to lend him a private practice room.

“I don’t want to do a solo recital. If it’s a personal favor, there won’t be many people, and I don’t feel comfortable performing in front of them.”

― Why not? Just think of it as practice and pretend there’s no one there. You did so well last time. Why are you like this?

“I know you’re trying to help me, Sunbae. But I really don’t feel like doing it. Please decline. If it’s hard to refuse, say I had a car accident.”

― Haewon, I’m asking you this one favor. He’ll give you 10 million won per piece.

“What?”

― He said he’ll pay 10 million won per piece.

So it was about money after all.

Someone like the concertmaster of the top symphony was doing errands for the rich. Introducing musicians to suit their tastes and pocketing the money like a broker—that’s what he was doing to Haewon now.

“Whether it’s 10 million or 20 million, I’m not doing it.”

― Don’t say that. Hear me out.

“I told you I don’t need money anymore.”

― 1.5 million per piece. How about 1.5 million?

“What are you doing right now?”

― Haewon, this is an opportunity. The president has a deep knowledge of music. If things go well, you could get a sponsorship. Then you wouldn’t have to ask your father, and you could seriously focus on studying abroad.

Haewon had never discussed his father’s wealth in detail with anyone. Though he had been short on money briefly, he could study abroad anytime he wanted. He had just refused his father’s offer.

“If I play ten pieces that day for 1.5 million each, does that mean I get 150 million? Or if I play twenty pieces, how much is that? Three hundred million?”

― 1.5 million per hour is not a small amount.

“Who said it was small? I’m not doing this out of pride. I just don’t want to do it. I’m hanging up.”

― Haewon! Wait, wait, don’t hang up!

He called Haewon’s name desperately. Regretting raising his voice, he moved, trying to find a quieter spot, his breath ragged. He moved to a quieter place and continued in a pleading tone.

― President Kim Jeonggeun specifically requested you. He really… really wants to hear you play. Please, just do me this one favor.

“……”

― I’ll tell him you’re not feeling well. Just one piece. Just play one piece. I’m begging you.

“How much are they paying you to bring me?”

― Haewon.

“How much did you get?”

After a long silence, he muttered in a resigned voice.

― Five hundred.

“I’ll give you that five hundred.”

It seemed he had agreed to receive two thousand for recruiting Haewon. Each member of the quartet received four hundred. Two thousand per piece was not a small amount.

When President Kim Jeonggeun picked him out like choosing a woman in a room salon, Sunbae had negotiated his price with them on his own. He must have asked for more. He planned to keep a thousand for himself and give the remaining thousand to Haewon, and when Haewon refused, he raised it to fifteen hundred. It wasn’t about the amount; it was the unbearable humiliation of being negotiated and priced without his knowledge.

― Haewon, don’t be like this. When have I ever asked you for such a favor?

“Then do me a favor.”

― What is it?

He could almost see Sunbae’s face light up in his mind. His voice tone brightened instantly.

“Confess to Joohee that you’re gay.”

― What?

“I’m not asking you to break up or divorce right away. Just tell the truth.”

― What kind of nonsense is this? I’m not…!

“I suddenly want to see you in a pitiful state.”

― Moon Haewon!

“Joohee is the mother of your children. She deserves to know. Tell her and then call me. Then I’ll think about it.”

Haewon hung up. Sunbae wasn’t stupid enough to go that far.

He didn’t expect to hear from him again, but a few days later, Sunbae called. Haewon answered, half expecting it.

“Did you confess?”

― No.

“Don’t call me.”

― I told them I couldn’t recruit you… and they told me to leave. They want me to quit the orchestra.

“……”

― Is what you really want for me to confess my sexual identity to Joohee? It’s nothing to you, but it’s my livelihood at stake…!

Haewon held his throbbing forehead. He listened without saying a word. The voice, crushed by despair, echoed gloomily, grating on his nerves.

“Where is it? Tell me the time and place.”

― Haewon. Thank you. Really, thank you.

“I’ll do this favor, but you have to do one for me too.”

― ……

“Never contact me again. If you do, I’ll call Joohee myself.”

∞ ∞ ∞

The weather outside had dropped a few degrees since yesterday. He wore a coat and gloves against the cold. Slinging the violin case over his shoulder, Haewon left the officetel. A call taxi was waiting on the road. Haewon gave the address Sunbae had texted to the driver after getting into the back seat.

The taxi drove for a long time. It entered a deep forest, almost unbelievable that it was just outside Seoul, and the driver repeatedly asked if this was the correct address with a distrustful look. Haewon sat anxiously, half suspecting Sunbae might be playing a trick on him. Fortunately, the taxi slowed down in front of a mansion that appeared after passing through the forest.

“Please wait until I’m done. I’ll pay extra for the waiting time.”

“Sure.”

Haewon asked the driver and got out of the car.

It was President Kim Jeonggeun’s villa somewhere in Yangpyeong. As if passing through a gateway to another world, the beautiful villa surrounded by a black forest stood before Haewon’s eyes.

Haewon looked around after getting out of the taxi. A tree cut down in the middle of the garden caught his eye. The traces of burning it down were still blackened on the stump.

What kind of tree was it to be left in such a dreadful state?

The charred stump not only marred the garden but also ruined the villa’s aesthetics, making the surroundings gloomy and eerie. The splendor and sophistication seen at the hotel that day were nowhere to be found. For a villa belonging to Han Kyung Group’s President Kim Jeonggeun, it felt somewhat abandoned.

Woof, woof!

Suddenly, the loud barking of a dog echoed as if striking Haewon’s back. He flinched. Haewon feared dogs due to a childhood memory of being chased and bitten. He hurriedly looked around. Though he couldn’t see it, the barking sounded very close. The sound alone suggested the size of a mastiff, yet not even a shadow was visible. Suddenly, it felt as if the entire villa and the surrounding black forest were closing in on him.

A middle-aged man in a neat suit approached Haewon, who stood there with a startled expression. He seemed to be the caretaker of the villa.

“Are you Moon Haewon?”

“Yes.”

“Please follow me inside.”

The man tried to take the violin Haewon was carrying on his shoulder. Haewon declined with a nod and followed him. The large door opened in two parts.

“This way, please.”

Haewon followed the man straight to the living room.

The brightly lit living room was empty. President Kim Jeonggeun was nowhere to be seen, and there was no one to listen to Haewon’s performance. Only the man who had guided him was there.

Haewon looked around in confusion. The surroundings were quiet. The man politely asked, as if sensing Haewon’s unease.

“What would you like to drink?”

“If you have coffee, please. Hot.”

“I’ll prepare it. Please have a seat and wait.”

“Weak, please.”

“Understood.”

Even the man who had guided Haewon disappeared. Being left alone in this vast place felt strange. After a while, the man returned with coffee. Haewon sat alone, sipping the coffee the man had brought.

After finishing the coffee, Haewon prepared to start playing as soon as President Kim Jeonggeun arrived. He tightened the bow, adjusted the pegs and fine tuners, and tuned the violin meticulously. After finishing the preparations, he placed the violin on his lap and waited again.

Even the villa caretaker was nowhere to be seen. Haewon was alone in this vast mansion.

He hadn’t gotten the date or time wrong. He looked at his wristwatch. Forty minutes had passed since the appointed time. No one had appeared for forty minutes.

“Ha.”

The time that had passed seemed almost deliberate. Various thoughts crossed his mind, but he had no intention of considering their circumstances. Just as Haewon was about to put the violin back in its case, the door leading to the living room terrace opened, and someone entered.

“……”

“Sorry, I’m a bit late.”

It was Hyun Woojin. A face he hadn’t expected to see in such a place.

Haewon hadn’t answered his calls and had changed the door lock code of his officetel. He didn’t know if Hyun Woojin had come to his officetel or not, but he hadn’t seen him since the night they kissed. It had been about two weeks since Hyun Woojin had left him in turmoil.

The memories and anguish about him were fading. But seeing him brought back the events of that night as vividly as if they had happened yesterday. He clearly remembered the taste and temperature of his lips and tongue, the strength of his arms, and the rhythm of his heartbeat.

Hyun Woojin apologized for being late and sat on the sofa without further explanation. He leaned his arm on the armrest and crossed his legs. His clasped hands rested on his thigh. He raised his eyebrows at Haewon, who was standing silently, looking at him.

“What are you doing? Aren’t you going to start?”

“……”

“I’ve already paid. If you’ve taken the money, you should do your job.”

“I’ll give the money back.”

“That’s not necessary.”

“I won’t do it.”

“Didn’t you come here to perform?”

“If I knew it was you, I wouldn’t have come.”

As Haewon hurriedly packed his violin, Hyun Woojin asked.

“Then who did you think it was?”

“……”

“Of course, even the conviction of a violinist who dislikes performing in front of people can be broken in front of President Kim Jeonggeun.”

Hyun Woojin was insulting Haewon. He was implying that Haewon would perform for President Kim Jeonggeun but not for him. He was misinterpreting Haewon’s presence at the villa, as if he had some ulterior motive.

Haewon wasn’t there to impress President Kim Jeonggeun. He didn’t need his money. Just as Hyun Woojin had believed Lee Jinyeong’s false testimony and not Haewon, he was now misunderstanding Haewon again.

Haewon, who had said he didn’t want to perform in front of people, was now at President Kim Jeonggeun’s villa alone, having been personally requested by him. He didn’t want to explain the pathetic circumstances of being there reluctantly due to Sunbae’s request.

“Let me tell you something in advance. President Kim Jeonggeun is a gentleman who wouldn’t be swayed by such things. He listens to music with his ears.”

“……”

Hyun Woojin was misunderstanding him as if he were a prostitute using the excuse of performing to seduce President Kim Jeonggeun.

“Why are you looking at me with such a ridiculous expression?”

“Because you’re saying ridiculous things.”

Haewon glared at him fiercely.

“So you came here purely to perform. With no other intentions.”

“Of course, I came to perform. What else would I come for?”

“Then why aren’t you performing?”

“……”

“I’m ready to listen, so start.”

Haewon bit his lower lip, which felt soft under his teeth. There was still a faint scar on Hyun Woojin’s lips. Haewon had bitten his lips as a warning. He had bitten hard enough to cut the flesh. Hyun Woojin had bled. If things went wrong, he would poke his eyes, and if things went wrong, he would bite his lips. Hyun Woojin had looked at Haewon like a wild animal that was difficult to handle, rubbing his bleeding lips with the back of his hand. He had taken a few tissues from the side table to press against his lips to stop the bleeding and had stared at Haewon, who was standing on guard, for a long time before leaving. That was two weeks ago.

“Let’s just do it. We both made time for this.”

He frowned at Haewon, who was standing stubbornly, as if genuinely annoyed. He subtly checked his wristwatch, indirectly indicating that they had already wasted a lot of time.

If Haewon didn’t perform, it could look like he had come to seduce President Kim Jeonggeun. And Haewon didn’t want to appear like that to Hyun Woojin. He didn’t want to care about what Hyun Woojin thought or said, but Hyun Woojin’s misunderstanding made Haewon feel a mix of humiliation, as if he had been covered in garbage, and a desire to crush that handsome face.

He tightened the bow, which had been well-rosined. He placed the body of the violin on his shoulder. He had prepared Bruch’s Violin Concerto No. 1, arranged for a recital, expecting accompaniment, but there was no piano.

He couldn’t think of a suitable piece to perform solo. If he said he couldn’t do it without accompaniment, Hyun Woojin would laugh at him. His laughter was a kind of tactic that could naturally make the other person feel miserable without long persuasion or threats.

Haewon thought of Bach’s Partita No. 2 Chaconne. He didn’t want to play it for him because it was a piece he liked, but he couldn’t think of anything else, and he wanted to show him proper music so that he wouldn’t treat him lightly in the future.

Without any signal or deep breath, Haewon forcefully drew the bow across the strings. The metallic sound cut through the air sharply and heavily. The heavy sound resonated in the high ceiling and wide living room. The structure allowed the sound to resonate and spread widely.

The living room of the mansion, with only Haewon and Hyun Woojin, was so desolate that it felt like a vast, isolated space in the middle of a field.

Bach’s Chaconne, which starts in D minor, continues to transform and repeat the theme, leading to a grand variation that fills the hall with the solo performance of a single violin.

The theme slowly rose. The simple combination of notes could sound sad or painful depending on how it was played. As it quickly ascended to a high note, the string split as if it were tearing. It was a painful and sorrowful sound.

Following the bow like a staggering walk in the gloomy D minor, the ever-changing variations passed, filled with long arpeggios.

To Haewon, Chaconne was a piece that felt lonely not because it was a violin solo but because of the melody itself. Some musicologists claimed that Bach composed Chaconne to mourn his first wife, Maria. It conveyed the loneliness and desolation of mourning, the grief so intense that it felt like crawling on the ground with the whole body.

As it passed the midpoint, the breathless cadenza stormed in, starting a dazzling play as if multiple violins were playing together.

Rosin dust rose like dust, and the bow hairs snapped with the rough playing. At the climax, which took his breath away, Haewon felt as if his neck was being choked along with the variations. It felt like someone was squeezing his windpipe, which controlled his breathing and perception, trying to burst it.

He scraped near the bridge. The clear and delicate phrasing, as if sharpened like a knife, was Haewon’s specialty. His fingers moved frantically across the fingerboard. He had to press three or four notes simultaneously, and he couldn’t miss a single string.

A Chaconne is a relatively long piece for a single movement, and given the endless variations on the initial four bars, it requires immense concentration from the violinist playing alone.

Haewon gradually forgot about Hyun Woojin’s presence. He completely erased him from his mind and immersed himself in his performance, connecting the intense phrasings.

By the time his mind began to blur, the passionate cadenza ended, returning to the minor key, where the sorrowful initial theme, as if about to burst into tears, swelled up. Haewon drew the bow across the strings as if they were about to snap. His wrist tightened around the bow. Playing the final bars, he drew the bow long and slow before lifting it gently from the strings.

“…Ha.”

The breath he had been holding escaped. The surroundings were so silent that his ragged breathing was audible. Haewon opened his eyes.

It was President Kim Jeonggeun’s villa. He recalled it as soon as he opened his eyes. Only then did Haewon become aware of Hyun Woojin’s presence. He turned his head and saw him.

Hyun Woojin, sitting alone, hadn’t changed his posture. His clasped hands resting on his crossed knees remained still. With a face deeply engrossed in thought, he was staring intently at Haewon.

His gaze was so piercing that it felt like it could bore a hole through his face. Haewon suddenly felt embarrassed by his intense stare. Regretting the passionate performance, he began to put away his violin.

He placed the violin in its case. He loosened the bow screw and placed it alongside the violin before zipping up the case. He had played with such force that many bow hairs had snapped, enough to require rehairing.

As Haewon turned silently to leave, Hyun Woojin spoke. His first words came out raspy.

“I sent the taxi away.”

“……”

“How about a drink? You must be thirsty.”

“I don’t have time for that.”

Haewon rejected coldly.

“Then let me give you a ride.”

Hyun Woojin didn’t insist further and stood up.

“Call a taxi for me.”

“Taxis don’t come here.”

He turned first. Reluctantly, Haewon sighed and followed him outside.

They waited for Hyun Woojin’s car outside. The man who had initially guided him was nowhere to be seen. They were alone in this vast mansion. The realization was somehow chilling.

Somewhere, a bird sang sweetly, accompanied by the barking of dogs. What might have sounded beautiful during the day now came off as threatening animal cries in the night.

Haewon flinched again at the sound of barking close by and looked around the dark surroundings. He saw no dogs that seemed as large as houses. Though unseen, the distinct barking added to the eeriness of the garden shrouded in darkness, reminiscent of a spooky mountain at night, stirring primal human fears.

The charred stump in the middle of the garden and the desolate winter trees surrounding it clashed in the wind, creating eerie sounds. President Kim Jeonggeun’s Yangpyeong villa was a disturbing place for the sensitive Haewon.

Hyun Woojin’s car stopped in front of him. Haewon opened the car door. Hyun Woojin took the violin and placed it in the back seat. After Haewon buckled his seatbelt in the passenger seat, he hit the accelerator. The journey through the forest felt as long leaving as it had entering by taxi.

Leaves and branches crunched under the uneven road surface, crushed by the car wheels. There were no human sounds or traces.

The black forest seemed to shrink even a bold person. Haewon had thought of building a secluded villa in such a perfectly isolated place and retreating there when he didn’t want to hear his native language. It was too eerie, and Haewon regretted even briefly considering such a notion.

For the first time, Haewon realized he feared the dark. The matte black forest, where nothing seemed able to survive, enclosed him. The urgent fear of losing his sense of space and being trapped in the forest slowly rose from his feet. Suddenly, Hyun Woojin stopped the car in the desolate space.

Haewon looked at him in surprise. He wanted to urge him to keep driving towards the lighted road but said nothing. He swallowed dryly.

“What is it?”

He demanded to know why he was stopping, urging him to hurry.

“Someone got lost in this forest once. They found him wandering after three days.”

Moonlight barely pierced through the branches and dry leaves, glimmering faintly when the wind blew.

“If we’re trapped here, no one would find us, right?”

“Cut the nonsense and just drive.”

“Are you scared?”

Haewon sharply responded to Hyun Woojin, asking what he wanted to say.

“It seems like you’re scared.”

“Who said I’m scared?”

“Why are you wearing gloves inside the car?”

Hyun Woojin looked at Haewon’s hands. Haewon was wearing gloves.

“Because my hands are cold.”

In response, Hyun Woojin turned up the heater. He looked at him as if to say to take them off since it was warm now. Haewon didn’t want to appear sensitive or afraid of the dark.

Casually, Haewon removed his gloves. As his hands were exposed, Hyun Woojin suddenly grabbed his wrist.

“What are you doing…!”

“Your fingers are really long.”

Hyun Woojin compared Haewon’s awkwardly held hand to his own. Though Haewon’s fingers were long, his hands were smaller than Hyun Woojin’s. Hyun Woojin’s hands were warm. He placed Haewon’s hand in his, contemplating it silently. Seizing the moment when his grip loosened, Haewon quickly pulled his hand away.

“Let’s go.”

“……”

“I’m telling you, let’s go.”

“……”

Hyun Woojin silently stared at Haewon. Haewon disliked the way he gazed at him, being aware of his breathing, and trying to read his mind.

“And don’t contact the orchestra anymore for this kind of performance.”

“You’re right. I should’ve contacted you directly. I didn’t realize you would charge so much. Or maybe that amount is just right? You must earn a lot.”

It was Sunbae who had negotiated Haewon’s fee. Sunbae had probably tested the waters, thinking that this amount was appropriate. If Hyun Woojin disliked it, he would lower the price, and if he liked it, Sunbae would regret not asking for more.

“Just call me directly.”

“Does that mean you’ll answer my calls from now on?”

Haewon had ignored Hyun Woojin’s calls. If Haewon didn’t answer, Hyun Woojin would contact Han Kyung Orchestra, and Sunbae would negotiate his fee with him. It was more than just unpleasant.

“I’ll answer, so don’t contact them.”

“Would it be a problem if I contacted them?”

“Not a problem, but it would be annoying.”

“Why does Moon Haewon have so many people clinging to him annoyingly? Your surroundings are very messy.”

He almost said that Hyun Woojin was one of them but stopped, thinking that the car would never move if he did.

“I need to clean it up.”

He spoke with a meaningful tone.

“Let’s get going.”

After some delay, Hyun Woojin finally started the car. The winter forest, where Haewon never wanted to return, receded behind them.

They drove in silence for a while until they arrived in front of the officetel.

“Stop here.”

Ignoring Haewon’s attempt to get out, his car drove into the officetel’s parking lot. With no empty spaces, they spiraled down to the fourth basement. The dimly lit fourth basement was sparsely filled with cars.

He parked in a secluded spot and turned off the engine. The car was soon enveloped in silence. Haewon twisted his torso to retrieve his violin from the back seat. Hyun Woojin lazily extended his arm to block the space between the seats. Haewon looked up at him.

“Didn’t you say I wasn’t serious before?”

“……”

“Today, I feel like getting serious with Moon Haewon.”

“I don’t have that intention.”

“Are you seeing someone?”

“No.”

“Then that’s good. I don’t need to clear anyone out.”

“What are you clearing?”

“I told you earlier. Your surroundings are so messy, they need to be cleaned up.”

“It’s none of your business.”

“Now it is. If you want to know what I mean by getting serious, you can meet anyone you want.”

“I said I have no intention of getting serious.”

“Do you know what ‘ruined’ means?”

“……”

“Between us, it means wiping out the whole family.”

“……”

“Oh, but only for those who have committed a crime.”

Feeling overwhelmed, Haewon’s cheek was lightly touched by him. The worst thing about Hyun Woojin was his warm hands. He was calmly uttering words that indicated what he intended to do. Haewon looked at him with a disgusted expression. The hand that lightly touched Haewon’s cheek soon covered his cheek and ear entirely.

He tilted his head diagonally and approached Haewon. Haewon, blinking slowly, not looking at or away from him, spoke.

“Don’t.”

“If that’s the case, you shouldn’t have performed earlier.”

“I said don’t.”

“It’s not like I got excited from watching that.”

He said soothingly, as if pacifying a sulk.

“Did you say the same thing to Taeshin? That you wanted to get serious?”

“……”

The hand gripping and encircling Haewon’s neck loosened, as if disgusted by the mention of Taeshin’s name even in this situation. Hyun Woojin took a deep breath. Watching his chest rise and fall in real-time was as effective a tactic as his timely sneer. Haewon stared at him tensely.

“You don’t listen to people, do you?”

“Do you think I’ll listen to you?”

“Then I’ll make you listen.”

“……”

“Moon Haewon, you’ll come crawling to me on all fours.”

He unlocked the car door as if to say Haewon could leave. Haewon hurriedly grabbed his violin and got out of Hyun Woojin’s car as if fleeing. The sound of the car door slamming echoed harshly in the underground parking lot. Soon, the eerie silence densely filled the space left by the sound.

As his car quickly exited the parking lot, the screeching of the tires against the floor sharply reached Haewon’s ears.

∞ ∞ ∞

For several days, Haewon didn’t leave his officetel. He played the violin until his fingers hurt and the tips swelled red, even though the calluses should have prevented any pain. After finishing a piece and gasping for breath, Hyun Woojin’s whisper echoed.

‘He’s dead.’

Haewon would hurriedly start another piece, and when his arm ached and he put down the bow, Hyun Woojin would somehow be there, whispering in his ear.

‘He’s dead.’

Haewon wasn’t attracted to him. He wasn’t. From head to toe, Hyun Woojin was unappealing. He didn’t like the way he talked. He disliked the brute strength of his grip. He didn’t care for his black hair that resembled a winter forest. He disliked that his eyes and hair were the same color. He hated the way he stared as if piercing through him.

Most of all, he hated his warm hands. His long fingers. The ridiculous gentleness that made him loosen his grip, remembering that Haewon was a violinist, like a thread of light in a mouse hole.

He went a whole day without eating.

Haewon clutched his hungry stomach and rummaged through the fridge. A water bottle, beer, a shriveled carrot, and moldy bread sat under the yellow light.

Haewon turned on his phone. Missed calls flooded in. Though he hadn’t saved the number, he recognized the last digits as Hyun Woojin’s. He had said he would make Haewon come to him on all fours like a dog. Having said that, he wouldn’t have called first. Sunbae had also called multiple times. Haewon called Sunbae back.

― Haewon.

He answered in a surprised voice before it rang a few times.

“I’m hungry.”

― What? What did you say?

“I’m hungry.”

― Where are you?

“At home.”

Haewon, hungry, leaned against the fridge and slid down. Only after squatting did he realize it hadn’t been just a day; it had been three days. His fingertips, swollen and sensitive from playing nonstop for three days, ached at the slightest twitch.

― Should I come over?

“Bring me something to eat.”

― What do you want to eat?

“Anything.”

― You’re at the officetel next to Donghwa Building, right?

“Yes.”

He hung up. He let his butt hit the floor after sliding down. Sitting with his face resting on his knees, he stared blankly. Dust had accumulated under the sink. It looked like no one had been there for months.

He didn’t want to do such a thing. Liking the man his dead friend liked was worse than an affair, worse than a crime against family. An affair would be better. Any sinful act was better than being attracted to someone his friend who committed suicide liked.

Maybe it wouldn’t have mattered if Taeshin hadn’t died. He wasn’t even a tenth responsible for Taeshin’s death.

Hyun Woojin said he didn’t know why Taeshin had made such an extreme choice. Taeshin had never told Haewon he wanted to die or stop living. Though he mostly had unrequited loves, he wasn’t the type to pity himself. He didn’t see himself as the protagonist of a tragedy. If he liked someone, he indulged in his feelings. If they didn’t like him, he accepted it. If they did, he was happy even if he was used. Taeshin’s unrequited love wasn’t extreme or tragic.

But he must have liked him a lot. Looking back, it seemed he liked him more than anyone before. But Taeshin wasn’t foolish enough to take his own life over a man.

Hyun Woojin suggested he might have had bad friends, that Taeshin’s art might have been used for money laundering, and that he might have chosen death out of fear of being dragged into something terrifying.

He said Taeshin had a diary. If they read it, they might understand why he died. But he had just thrown it away. Without reading it, without mourning, without reminiscing.

No, you didn’t like this person, did you…?

You didn’t like him enough to want to die, did you?

Haewon asked the dead Taeshin, though he wouldn’t have cared what the living Taeshin answered. Taeshin only exerted influence over him after his death.

He looked up at the sound of the doorbell. Sunbae must have arrived. When he opened the door, Sunbae stood there, panting as if he had rushed over. He held a bag from a nearby bakery. Haewon took the bag from his hand. As he tried to close the door, a flustered Sunbae hurriedly grabbed the closing door.

“Haewon?”

“Yes?”

“Aren’t you going to let me in?”

“Come in if you want.”