IOSMC Chapter 3 (Part 3)

It’s easier to look at the shadow trailing along the ground than to stare up at the sun. It’s easier to stay indifferent than to cry or be happy.

I winced from the dull ache all over my body—guess I got hit wrong again—and let out a long breath.

Yeah, a name that wished for a short life.

It’s been a while since I first heard what my name meant, but I still remember everything about that day vividly.

Fighting back only made things worse, so that day I just stood still and took it.

Maybe because I didn’t resist, he didn’t throw anything at me like usual. He just beat me with his hands for a long time, and when I was lying sprawled out on the floor, that disgusting voice came down from above.

“You know what your name means? Hah, right. A dumb brat like you wouldn’t know… That name… I picked it so you’d die young. I told her not to have a kid like you, but why did she…”

That man—he scattered that laughter, the kind that turns your stomach just hearing it, like it meant nothing.

And his voice? It sounded perfectly fine, which was hard to believe considering how much he’d been drinking. That’s what pissed me off even more.

If he could speak so clearly while drunk, that meant he’d whispered those same words to himself—dozens, hundreds of times—when he was sober.

Did he think about me dying every time he said my name? Did he keep wishing for me to die quickly, born from the woman he killed?

Maybe because that day was burned into my mind—whenever I was lying flat on the floor after getting beaten, those thoughts always crept up.

I’d bitten the inside of my cheek during the beating and tore the skin a little. I ran my tongue over the spot and winced when it hit a particularly sore part.

Because he hadn’t bothered to close the door properly when he left, cold wind slipped in through the crack. Through the narrow gap, I could see the sky—a deep color, signaling the sun was setting.

Staring blankly at the door, I slowly got to my feet, swaying.

Staying holed up in this house wasn’t going to change anything. I’d barely slept, dragged out of bed and beaten over the past few days, so my head felt like mush. I stepped outside, hoping a bit of cold air would clear it.

The sun hung low in the sky, like it was about to drop to the ground. Without thinking, I reached toward it with one hand, then let out a bitter laugh and stopped.

I’d only looked at the sun for a few seconds, but tears had already welled up in my eyes. When I blinked, the warm liquid that had gathered at the corners of my eyes slid down my cheeks.

It felt like the sun had burned itself onto my eyelids—its yellow shape lingered, even when I closed my eyes.

It reminded me of Sa-eon. That thought alone made me whisper in a hoarse, cracked voice—I hadn’t spoken much the past few days.

“…It’s filthy cold.”

Muttering that brought memories of being with Sa-eon to mind. Whenever I complained about the cold, Sa-eon would take off his outer jacket and wrap it around me.

If I just held onto the jacket, warmed by his body heat, without putting it on, he’d give me a puzzled look before helping me into it himself. That gentle touch—so kind it felt like I could see affection that wasn’t even supposed to be there—was something I liked.

I wonder if he ever realized that sometimes I said I was cold just to feel that again, even when I wasn’t.

“He probably didn’t. He’s kinda dense like that.”

I let out a faint laugh at my own silly comment. Sa-eon’s such a strange person—he’s quick to notice other people’s pain or sadness, but totally oblivious to kindness. It’s like he doesn’t know what it feels like to be loved.

Lost in thoughts of Sa-eon, I wandered the streets aimlessly, raising one hand to shield my eyes from the sunlight.

Anywhere was fine. As long as it wasn’t home.

A few people passed by, all looking worn out and tired.

There isn’t a single person in this neighborhood who doesn’t know I get beaten. But there’s also no one who feels some grand duty to save me. So, naturally, they passed by me, and I passed by them—like it was the most normal thing in the world.

I kept walking in that daze for a long while until pain shot up from my feet, making me stop. I’d slipped on some random slippers in a rush to get out, and now my feet were raw and scraped.

The sting finally snapped me back to my senses. I looked around—and there it was: a familiar set of stairs.

“Out of all places… I came here again…”

Even just passing by, that spot always made me think of Sa-eon’s usual smile, so I’d avoided looking at it on purpose. And yet, of all places, why did I end up here again?

I let out a scoff and approached the stairs. I sat where I usually did when the three of us sat together, curling myself up into a small ball.

The sunlight stretched out to my feet, the warmth making my reddened toes feel even more irritated. Annoyed, I curled my toes and moved into the shade.

Then, I just stared at the spot where Sa-eon always sat.

“So what… was that supposed to be love at first sight or something?”

“Hah, I laughed too much. I’m not teasing, you know that, right? Mmm, love… if it’s love, then yeah, I guess it is love. There’s not just one kind of love in this world. But first love? I don’t know about that. Still, if thinking that way makes you feel better, then sure—think of it like that.”

“…Why? Why not? I… I think it was love at first sight.”

Remembering a conversation from some time ago, I couldn’t hold back and ended up muttering to myself.

What kind of reaction would Sa-eon have if he heard me say something like that? He’d probably look at me with flustered eyes, then lecture me about how you have to be serious about love. Or maybe—not even take it seriously and brush it off as a joke.

Leaning into the second possibility, I shifted my body slightly to the side.

It felt just like Sa-eon was sitting right next to me.

At some point, while sitting there like that, I must’ve fallen asleep. I think I even felt something warm settle over my shoulders in my sleep.

I stayed like that for quite a while—sleeping on the stairs, unaware of how uncomfortable it was. Then suddenly, I felt something drop onto my shoulder, and I jolted awake in surprise.

Slowly straightening my curled-up body, something slid off of me.

Startled, I lifted my head—and saw a familiar face. A face that hadn’t even appeared in my dreams since I told him not to come anymore, maybe because he was upset with me. Yet, it hadn’t faded at all.

His eyes were tightly closed like he was fast asleep, and his head was resting on my shoulder.

“Ah… is this… a dream?”

I murmured dumbly, sounding utterly stunned, and carefully adjusted my body so Sa-eon’s head wouldn’t fall. After hesitating for a moment, I reached out my hand.

My trembling fingertips gently brushed the beauty mark just below his plump lips.

From that small touch, a soft, warm sensation spread—a warmth that felt real, almost unbelievably so.

From one step below, I could hear the black cat, the one that occasionally got snacks from me, crunching on some food.

It must’ve been Sa-eon who brought it. The cat, now drinking water as well, let out a “meow” that tickled my ears.

This wasn’t just a dream.

My life was unbearably bleak, and I’d lived that way for so long that I wasn’t the kind of person who could even have a peaceful dream like this.

Unlike the sun and moon, which seemed close but could never be reached no matter how much I stretched out my hand, he was so close that the lightest touch moved soft skin beneath my fingertips.

“Lee Sa-eon.”

As if answering my quiet call, Sa-eon—resting against my shoulder, breathing softly—let out a drowsy murmur.

His lips, pouting in complaint like he didn’t want to be disturbed, caught my eyes. Mesmerized, I gently ran a finger across them.

The moment his breath slipped through the small gap between his lips and touched my hand, I felt more alive than ever before.

A single breath had revived feelings that neither pain, nor nightmares, nor sorrow had ever been able to stir.

“…Sa-eon-ah.”

Mumbling with a trembling voice, I pulled back the hand that had been brushing Sa-eon’s lips and covered my own mouth. My fingers, which had just touched his lips, now brushed against mine.

Slowly, I lifted my head and took in his pale, beautiful face. Everything about this felt unreal.

Right after I woke up, Sa-eon felt like the sun that had fallen from the sky.

The warmth spreading from my shoulder, the breath brushing against my skin—it all felt as gentle and comforting as sunlight that people couldn’t help but love.

That’s why I really thought the sun, shining so close it felt like I could just reach out and touch it, had finally fallen at my feet.

For some reason, Sa-eon always shows up just around the time the sun is about to set.

It makes me wonder, like an idiot, if the sun that was preparing to disappear under the earth had instead slipped and fallen from the sky, landing right in front of me.

With a blank look, I tilted my head back and checked the sky. The sunset’s glow was still faintly spread across it. After staring at that light for a moment, I turned my gaze to the side.

Sa-eon was still leaning against my shoulder, eyes closed.

It wasn’t some dream. The sun that should’ve been floating in the sky hadn’t fallen next to me.

“I told you not to come… why did you?”

I wasn’t sure if I was complaining or asking a question as I muttered those words. Just then, Sa-eon’s eyes—closed all this time—slowly opened, revealing pale gray irises.

His eyes, still hazy from sleep, met mine, and for a moment, I couldn’t say anything.

Frozen, like I’d forgotten how to breathe, I just stared. Sa-eon looked at me with that clear face of his, then slowly smiled.

His eyes, tinged red from sleep, curved into gentle lines, and his lips curled softly. Watching the little beauty marks beneath his eyes and lips twitch slightly, I sat there, dazed, as Sa-eon whispered in a quiet voice.

“Why do you think? Of course… because I missed you.”

“…”

“I missed you so much… I had to come. It’s so good to see you like this.”

I’ve been coming here every day, looking for you. Did you know that? Sa-eon asked in that kind, gentle voice, locking eyes with me.

“…I didn’t know.”

As I softly murmured, shaking my head slightly, Sa-eon gave me a smile more gentle than anything else in the world. Like he was saying, It’s okay—we met like this, and that’s enough.

I didn’t know whether to be happy or angry. While I sat there unable to respond meaningfully, Sa-eon looked at me with eyes full of kindness and concern.

I told him not to come, without even seeing his face—so I felt sorry for that. But I was also genuinely grateful he came. Should I tell him that he doesn’t need to feel sorry for hiding things from me? Or should I just act like nothing happened and go on like it’s all normal?

Because I’d never had a deep relationship with anyone, even something this small threw me off.

I should’ve made friends, I thought, but then again… could I really have formed this kind of closeness with anyone other than Sa-eon? That doubt tugged at me too.

Sa-eon is special. That much, I know—without needing to say it aloud.

Something soft and smooth brushed my ankle, and when I looked down, I met eyes with the cat.

It looked satisfied, circling around us a few times before plopping down right at our feet like it belonged there.

Just days ago, it would eat what I gave it and immediately take off. I wondered why it was acting differently today. Shifting my gaze from the cat, I glanced sideways at Sa-eon.

He was looking at the cat too. Then, as if sensing my gaze, he lifted his eyes slightly and looked at me.

The colors of the sunset sky reflected in his eyes, glowing with a strange, mesmerizing light.

When I looked directly at that red-streaked sky, it was so vivid it hurt my eyes. But that same red, mirrored in Sa-eon’s eyes, felt gentle—like him.

If I kept staring like this, I knew my face would turn undeniably red. Just as I was about to turn away, not wanting to show it, Sa-eon spoke.

“I’m sorry for not telling you. But… I thought maybe you didn’t want me to know. That if I acted like I knew, you’d hate it. Remember, we promised—I wouldn’t do anything you didn’t like. You can think of it as an excuse if you want… I just… wanted to tell you.”

Speaking in that calm voice, Sa-eon reached out and gently touched my cheek. Only then did I remember—one side of my face was badly swollen.

I tried to pull back instinctively, but Sa-eon, reading my intent like always, quietly said, “Be good,” leaving me no room to retreat.

In the end, I had no choice but to stay still, awkwardly letting him touch my face. My eyes darted around until I saw him pull something from his pocket—a tube of ointment.

“What’s that?”

“Oh, this? I brought it just in case… I was hoping I wouldn’t need to use it.”

At first, his face looked no different than usual, but when he said that last sentence, there was a faint trace of sadness.

As he carefully applied ointment to my injury, doing his best not to hurt me, I quietly watched him. I knew he came because he missed me—but somehow, I felt certain that wasn’t the only reason.

While I was trying to guess what he really wanted to say, he slipped the ointment back into his pocket.

Then he picked up the jacket he’d dropped earlier—left on the ground since I’d startled awake—and shook it off. Without a second thought, like it was the most natural thing in the world, Sa-eon wrapped it around me instead of wearing it himself. Then he stood up from the stairs.

I suddenly felt anxious. Is he leaving now?

Whether he sensed my unease or not, Sa-eon kept his eyes lowered halfway, like he was thinking hard about something, and stared quietly at my feet, flushed red from the cold.

There’d been plenty of times when his words left my head spinning, wondering what he’d say next. But I’d never been as afraid of what might come out of his mouth as I was now.

Nervously, I picked at the skin beside my fingernail. A sharp sting—maybe I’d drawn blood—but I didn’t have the mind to care.

After a long silence, during which he seemed to weigh something carefully, Sa-eon finally looked me straight in the eye, his gaze clearer than before.

I’d never told him this, but before meeting Sa-eon, I didn’t really grasp the concept of making eye contact while talking to someone. Well—technically, I understood it, but I’d never had anyone to try it with.

Watching him look directly at me like this before speaking made me realize just how significant it was to meet someone’s gaze while talking.

That small gesture was Sa-eon’s way of showing me respect—as a person. It was his way of checking how his words might affect me, of matching my pace, always.

The sun had completely set, and darkness was closing in from all sides.

Cracked walls, uneven steps, frayed sleeves, and my own bruised face—all of it was fading into shadow, barely visible. And yet, Sa-eon stood out—clearly, unmistakably.

Like even if I tried to hide in the shade, in a place untouched by light, I couldn’t look away from him.

I liked that… but at the same time, it felt a little unfair.

I can’t be anything to you, and yet… why do you so easily take up such an important place in me? Isn’t this a little unfair?

But honestly, compared to all the hardship and injustice I’ve lived through, this hardly seemed worth complaining about. So, like always, I couldn’t say anything.

Sa-eon, unaware of the thoughts racing through my mind, looked at me with that same gentle gaze and spoke slowly.

“Come home with me.”

“…This is my home.”

I was startled, but only for a moment. The words left my mouth reflexively. At that, Sa-eon’s expression tightened just a little.

I’d said no, but immediately looked for his reaction. Thankfully, he didn’t seem too upset.

“Really?”

“….”

“Do you really think that?”

He just asked again in that same calm voice.

If I said “yes” again, would Sa-eon leave me behind? But I couldn’t blindly follow him either.

I was still a minor, unable to do anything on my own—and so was Sa-eon.

Relying on him in my heart as a form of salvation wasn’t wrong, but this felt like something else entirely. I hesitated, unable to give an answer, and Sa-eon smiled like he understood, like there was nothing he could do.

“I’m not trying to rush you. It’s okay to take your time thinking about it. This is your life, so it’s right to decide carefully. Today… it’s okay if you go home a little late.”

“…Why are you doing all this for me?”

“I told you, didn’t I? Because I like you.”

His voice, touched with a faint smile, drifted to me as Sa-eon leaned in slightly. His signature scent—cool with a trace of sweetness—brushed against my nose.

“Take your time thinking. In the meantime, I should at least take care of your wounds.”

Then he began pulling things out of his pocket, laying them out beside him. Humming quietly, Sa-eon treated my injuries with the kind of practiced, gentle touch that made it clear he’d done this before. Finally, he stuck a colorful character bandage on the scraped top of my foot, then straightened his back.

“All done. But hey, can I ask you something?”

“…Yeah.”

“I want to call you by your name, but… I can’t call you that name, can I?”

He clearly already knew the answer. It wasn’t just to mess with me—that wasn’t it.

I tried to guess what he was thinking, but gave up when I saw the concern and kindness in his eyes. Whatever it was, he’d never say anything to hurt me.

Sa-eon wouldn’t do that. I shook my head lightly, but maybe he took that as an answer to his question, because he let out a quiet hum and smiled faintly, like he expected it. Then he sat back down beside me again. I knew it was a misunderstanding, but I didn’t know how to explain it, so I just stared like an idiot.

He slipped a hand under the collar of his shirt and fiddled with it, as if it felt too tight, and then suddenly asked:

“Then… what if we chose a new name? I know it might sound weird, but I really want to call you by your name. It’s not strange to change your name, right? Since things turned out like this, it’d be nice to think of a good one. Even if you don’t change it right away, let’s just pick one—for the two of us, for now.”

Of course, if you don’t like the idea, feel free to say no. His eyes softened at the corners, as if to say he didn’t want me to feel pressured.

At first, I was going to tell him it wasn’t necessary to think about it so seriously.

I didn’t want to hear the name “Gu” come out of Sa-eon’s mouth, and that was the honest truth. But if he needed a name to call me by, I wouldn’t mind if it was “Gu.” Because if Sa-eon said it, it wouldn’t be about wishing for my death—it would be about calling me. There’d be no reason to hate that.

So I was going to tell him, If you need a name for me, just call me Gu.

But then, a thought struck me. Sa-eon wasn’t the kind of person to say something like this on a whim. He must have already thought about it—on his own.

“…Okay. You choose one.”

At my gentle answer, Sa-eon’s eyes widened like someone who’d just been handed an unexpected gift.

In that moment, he reminded me of the cat—how it looked at me, startled, the first time I gave it water, since I’d always ignored it before. That face was so endearing, I found myself smiling without realizing it.

And when I smiled, Sa-eon looked even more surprised. He started bouncing his feet where he sat, then suddenly turned his whole body to face me.

“Really? Really really? It’s a good name! I mean—it is a good name, but are you sure it’s okay if I pick it? Even if you end up legally changing it to something totally different later, I’m okay with that…”

“It’s okay.”

“Are you sure it’s okay?”

“It’s really okay… I like you too, Lee Sa-eon.”

Of course, the “like” I meant wasn’t quite the same as the one he’d said—but what mattered was that I meant it, and that made it okay. Even if, by some miracle, Sa-eon gave me a ridiculous name, I wouldn’t mind.

Sa-eon being Sa-eon, I was sure he wouldn’t be happy about that. He’d probably just get upset, telling me to take better care of myself. Instead of adding more words, I waited quietly for him to say my new name.

Come to think of it, it had been a while since we spent time alone together like this, just the two of us. I hadn’t noticed it before, but now that I was aware, my face felt hot. And right now, Sa-eon was thinking of a name—to call me, and me alone. Realizing that made my heart race.

My heartbeat, growing louder like it echoed my emotions, didn’t calm with time. It only grew stronger, to the point I felt like it might echo through the entire neighborhood. Just as it reached that feverish pitch, Sa-eon spoke softly, almost like a whisper.

“Hee-jun.”

“Hee-jun?”

“Yeah—Hee like sunlight, Jun like to follow. It means ‘one who follows the sunlight.’ The name… well, I actually read it in a book, but I thought it’d suit you. I looked up the characters myself. There are lots of other ones, so you can change them if you want. Or even the name—whatever you like.”

It’s true, so don’t hesitate to tell me. Whatever it is, if I can call you by a name, I’ll love it. Any name. Sa-eon’s childlike, clear smile filled my vision as I rolled the name over in my mind.

“Hee-jun. Choi Hee-jun.”

Hee-jun. Hee, Jun. Sunlight Hee, to follow Jun.

It really was a good name. The problem was… I wasn’t sure it suited me. I’d always avoided the sun, flinching from its light—could I really carry a name that meant to follow sunlight? I wasn’t sure. My eyes dropped to the ground.

The only sunlight I’d ever faced head-on without turning away… was Sa-eon.

For some reason, I felt drawn to the name Hee-jun. And yet, no matter how I looked at it, I couldn’t shake the feeling it didn’t suit me. I was about to ask Sa-eon if he had any other names in mind, but before I could speak, I impulsively asked something else.

“But… why Hee-jun, of all names?”

“The main character in the book had that name. He was strong, kind, cool, and brave… just like you.”

“…Call me Hee-jun. Just once.”

“Huh? Okay, okay.”

Sa-eon nodded eagerly, then with a bright, glowing smile, as if it made him truly happy to be able to call me that, he threw his arms around me. I froze, completely caught off guard by the sudden hug, not knowing what to do, but then, in my ear, I heard his soft, tender voice.

“Hee-jun-ah.”

Ah… so this is what a name is. This is what it feels like, having someone else call your name.

Maybe I’m exaggerating, but I finally feel like a complete, real person. Like the nightmare I believed was my whole world has crumbled away—and in its place, a world filled with things people cherish and praise has taken over.

Now I understand why people love the world, why they love other people. In a world like this, where someone calls your name so kindly, how could anyone not want to live?

“Hee-jun-ah.”

“….”

“Let’s play again tomorrow, Hee-jun-ah.”

“….”

“And the day after that. A month from now. Even years from now. Let’s never be apart—not even for a day. I was so depressed the days I couldn’t see you, Hee-jun.”

“….”

“I think I really, really like you, Hee-jun. It’s a big problem, right? You think so too, don’t you?”

Sa-eon whispered with little bursts of laughter, like he was sharing something funny. Maybe he meant it like a joke, but I couldn’t laugh along—my heart was trembling.

My heart sank suddenly for no reason, and my throat itched, like something was lodged in it. My hands trembled slightly, and my eyes, unable to settle, wandered aimlessly. It was no different from how I’d reacted in moments of violence.

That’s when I realized something. Overwhelming kindness… is a kind of sweet violence that makes you want to die from how good it feels. I was so happy—it almost made me want to die, just a little.

“…The name Hee-jun.”

“Yeah?”

“…I think it’s a good name.”

Forcing out the words with a voice strained and rough, I saw Sa-eon slowly pull back. It was hard to believe I’d been in his arms just seconds ago—my body had gone cold that quickly.

When I shivered from the chill, Sa-eon gently took my hand. He blew warm breath over my fingertips, heating them up, and looked at me with his eyes curved in that usual soft way.

To someone like me, who wasn’t good at accepting kindness, his warmth almost felt violent. But Sa-eon looked as if nothing was wrong.

He clearly had no idea what he’d just done. That innocent face—like someone who couldn’t even dream of guilt.

That kind of purity wasn’t meant for people like me or the ones who’d hurt me. It existed for people like him.

If someone told me all of this was just a dream I had while dozing in the corner of a stairwell after running from violence, I would’ve believed it instantly. That’s how unreal it felt.

Could a world filled with cruelty really become this warm? A name like this didn’t fit someone like me, whose soul had grown so dark it seemed beyond saving, even after countless deaths and rebirths. The idea that I could have such a name—it didn’t feel real.

It felt more like a dream than reality.

With that thought, I slowly opened my mouth.

“My name is… Hee-jun.”

A statement so sudden it should’ve surprised him—but Sa-eon just smiled quietly, like he wanted to play along with me, and asked:

“Hee-jun?”

“Sunshine ‘Hee’ and to follow ‘Jun.’ Hee-jun. Choi Hee-jun.”

I didn’t need to look to know. It was the first time I’d introduced myself with a name other than “Gu (九),” so my expression must be strange right now.

This whole situation, overflowing with confusion, probably seemed uncomfortable. Or maybe I looked like someone who had waited their whole life for this moment, overcome with emotion and at a loss for what to do.

All I did was sit quietly on the steps, yet it felt like I couldn’t breathe, as if I’d been running for hours. Just a moment ago, I was fine. Now, I couldn’t catch my breath. As I sat there, a memory surfaced — maybe from a long time ago, maybe just yesterday.

With a face like I was about to die, driven by the desperate thought of wanting to live, I ran through an old, filthy neighborhood.

Maybe it was because my house wasn’t much different from the street, but instead of going home, I’d lay down on the dirty ground and try to sleep — like a drunkard. From their mouths, reeking of alcohol, came meaningless cries of “Mom, Mom.”

In the chaos of escaping violence, I’d forgotten to run and stopped for a moment, wondering what kind of being “Mom” was — that even in a drunken haze, people still searched for her, sometimes forgetting their own names. Then, like someone startled by a cockroach, I heard an angry, irritated voice calling for me. Trying to escape that voice, I ran again.

I ran down dark alleys, over and over again.

Thinking I wanted to live — or that if not, one of us should just die.

When I was younger, just thinking such things terrified me. My hands would shake, tears would fall, and I’d be overwhelmed with sorrow. As I got older, I felt anger instead, and now, I was just tired of it all.

That’s how it was — or so I thought. It’s strange, isn’t it? Maybe it’s because Sa-eon is right in front of me, meeting my gaze the whole time, being kind. Right now… I just don’t feel anything.

The chill of that early morning air and the jolt in my feet every time I stepped on the rough ground — they’re still vivid. It’s like they’re telling me that nothing around me has really changed.

But what pulled me back from the whirlwind of the past was something utterly ordinary.

“Hee-jun.”

That call wasn’t unfamiliar because it was the first time I’d truly claimed that name today — it was because of the way Sa-eon said it. That’s what I thought as I nodded and answered aloud.

“Yeah, Sa-eon.”

With every nod to his call, the name “Gu” drifted further away, and in the end, I remained simply Hee-jun.

Every time I wrote the name “Gu,” it felt like the word “end” was engraved into my life with a dreadful sound. But now, that “end” had begun to fade. It had truly ended — and the emptiness left behind was filled with the most human of hopes.

A vow to follow the sunshine. A vow to follow the sunlight that doesn’t stay with just one person but shares warmth endlessly with everyone it touches.

When I lived as Gu, I thought about endings every day. From now on, living as Hee-jun, I’d think about the sunshine every day.

I’d wonder how I could stay by his side just a little longer. Sometimes, I might hate how he’s kind to everyone equally, and feel unfairly hurt. And one day, just like “Gu” today, I might think about abandoning the name Hee-jun too.

But truly letting go… that’s not so easy, is it?

Even I, who clung to life and finally escaped the “end,” never once let go of the sunshine. And unlike “Gu,” which was given to me at birth, Hee-jun is a name I chose myself. I was ready to take full responsibility for that choice.

So, you who made me want to live like this — you better take responsibility for me too.

“…Take me home.”

Let me see what you see. Let me love what you love. Let me breathe by your side. Let me follow you.

Once I gave in to desire, it became easier the next time. From the moment I heard his name, I’d wanted to say this—and now, I finally did. Sa-eon smiled through tears at my words, spoken in a voice faintly laced with worry. The way he looked at me, it was like he’d been waiting for me to say this all along, and that made me feel strange.

He entwined his fingers tightly with mine and whispered in a voice so sweet it stung, flavored with the salt of tears.

“Yeah, let’s go together.”

“To your house?”

“To my house.”

“…Okay.”

Even though I was the one who said “let’s go,” I still wasn’t sure if this was really the right thing. I hesitated for a moment, murmuring as if to convince myself, and Sa-eon smiled and tugged me forward.

The whole time I followed him, I didn’t stumble once, or falter. It felt like holding his hand and walking forward like this was the right answer.

“Lee Sa-eon.”

“Yeah?”

“Can I sleep with you tonight?”

“Should we? Want to sleep in my room together?”

“Yeah, let’s sleep together.”

At my rare show of clinginess, Sa-eon paused and glanced at me. His look was so serious I regretted it for a second, thinking I’d gone too far. Then, staring at me, he opened his mouth and grinned as he said, “Why is this kid suddenly acting so cute?”

“You were already more than cute without even trying, but now you’re being cute on purpose? What do I do, Hee-jun, you’re too adorable. Yeah, let’s sleep together. No—how about we sleep together every day?”

“Really?”

“It’s you asking, Hee-jun. Of course I will.”

With the blurry night sky of the city as a backdrop, Sa-eon broke into a bright smile. Even the brightest stars, even satellites, are dimmed by city lights. But Sa-eon alone remained vivid.

Drawn to his face like I was under a spell, I quickened my pace. Instead of walking behind him like before, I stood beside him, matching my steps with his.

Even when I squeezed his hand tighter out of nervousness on the way to his house, Sa-eon didn’t let go or flinch in surprise. He only held my hand more firmly than before.

Ah… how could I not love him?

I was sure I’d love Sa-eon for a very long time. Until the moment I died. Maybe even after. Even if the day came when I forgot your name, when my name was no longer Hee-jun—you alone would remain.

As he smiled and met my eyes whenever I called his name, I held back the words “I love you” that were about to spill out.

I don’t know if Sa-eon had told them beforehand or if this was just their nature, but his parents didn’t seem surprised when I suddenly showed up. They even promised to help right away when they heard about the abuse.

I was grateful to them, of course, but honestly, I was so distracted by Sa-eon, who stayed close by, rubbing my back the whole time, that I barely remember what we talked about.

After eating, bathing, changing clothes, and having my hair thoroughly dried by Sa-eon’s hands, I finally regained some clarity once I lay on his bed.

He must’ve thought I kept tossing and turning because of the unfamiliar bed. Watching me with worried eyes, Sa-eon suddenly wrapped his arms around me, saying I’d sleep better if he held me tight.

And seeing how quickly he fell asleep afterward, he might’ve been right… but the problem was, I couldn’t sleep with him in my arms.

I felt suffocated, but I couldn’t even sigh freely in case I woke him.

Nothing like this ever happened when I lived in that hellhole of a house, but now that I was somewhere comfortable, my body betrayed me. My lower half reacted so easily it was embarrassing. I had to struggle for a long time to keep from touching him.

By the time I found a position that didn’t risk disaster, it was already late. I glanced at the dark sky, then back at the person beside me, afraid even my breathing might wake him.

Sa-eon always smiled at me, but he usually had a sharp, sensitive look. Seeing his face so peaceful in sleep was almost startling.

I was so caught up staring at him, I didn’t even realize how close we were—our breaths nearly mingling—until a moment too late. I hadn’t meant for this to happen, and as I hurried to pull away, Sa-eon’s eyes opened.

I was so startled I froze, forgetting to move, and he looked at me with sleepy eyes and smiled.

“Ah… it’s Hee-jun…”

And with just those words, he really fell back asleep. Nothing happened, so uneventful it made all my tension feel pointless.

I let out a sigh, equal parts frustration and disbelief. But then, seeing his sleeping, oblivious face, I couldn’t hold onto my irritation—it wasn’t like he did anything wrong. My heart calmed down.

Unlike my head, which had finally cooled off, my heart was still pounding like crazy.

I probably wasn’t going to sleep tonight. Thinking about my not-so-difficult-to-predict future, I laughed wryly and gently pressed a kiss to Sa-eon’s smooth forehead.

“Sleep well. Have sweet dreams.”

My first love, my salvation… my sunshine.