WBWB | Chapter 30

While Baldr stood frozen, the maids took the freezing Ana and Jeanne, submerged them in warm water, and massaged their arms and legs. Ana quickly regained consciousness, but Jeanne didn’t.

As soon as Ana came to her senses, she began to weep. Baldr questioned her about what had happened.

‘I went to the lake with Teacher to slide. But the ice broke, and it’s all my fault. I begged Teacher to go. Teacher saved me. She brought a branch, and she gave me her coat, and she told me to sing, to keep… singing.’

After listening to her rambling for a while, he finally understood what had transpired. He knelt down to meet Ana’s gaze, held her arms, and asked,

‘But why did you go to the lake with your tutor, not your nanny?’

Playing after lessons was the nanny’s responsibility.

‘But Nanny is always busy. Teacher is the only one here who listens to me and plays with me.’

‘…’

‘There’s no one here but Teacher…’

Ana finally burst into tears.

‘What if Teacher dies? Because of me? It’s all my fault. My heart feels like it’s going to explode.’

For the first time, Baldr did something he would never have done before. He embraced Ana and comforted her. Ana clung to his shoulder, tears streaming down her face, and asked,

‘What will I do if Teacher dies?’

Her hot tears soaked his shoulder, and as Baldr held her and stroked her back, he felt a warmth he had never experienced before.

‘Don’t worry, Ana. Your teacher will be alright.’

But Jeanne didn’t wake up. Not only that, but she developed a high fever and coughed violently, even while unconscious. Her symptoms were similar to his mother’s.

Baldr received hourly reports on Jeanne’s condition. Each report of her continued unconsciousness stirred something within him. It wasn’t just because of Ana’s pleas to save her teacher. It wasn’t just because Jeanne had become someone precious to Ana. 

He simply didn’t want to lose her.

‘I don’t want to lose her. Besides, who will teach Ana if she’s gone? And… what will I do without her?’

Baldr realized then, however vaguely, that he no longer saw Jeanne as merely his adopted daughter’s tutor.

‘But since when?’

He couldn’t understand. He hadn’t had much interaction with her. Since when had she become so important?

‘Since when? Since she succeeded in teaching Ana when others had given up?’

Or was it when she rode through his courtyard, when she slept like a fairy under a tree with a book in her hand, when she lifted her skirt and gathered fallen apples with her legs exposed, when she insisted on taking a walk outside in the freezing cold? Was it then? Or some other time? 

No matter how much he searched his memory, he couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment, the breaking point.

When more than a day and a night passed without Jeanne regaining consciousness, he could no longer bear to rely on reports alone.

“I need to see her myself.”

Late that night, Baldr summoned Madame Pauline and went to the tutor’s room. 

He opened the door, and there she was, lying on the sofa by the fireplace. Sweat glistened on her forehead, plastered with strands of disheveled hair. Her lips were chapped, and her face, illuminated by the firelight, was pale.

As her appearance overlapped with someone he knew, a cold sweat broke out on Baldr’s forehead.

‘Is she going to die too, like my mother?’

Baldr stood there, looking down at Jeanne. And then, in a sudden flash of realization, he understood. 

He had fallen in love with her.

Baldr had always thought of love as something that would strike him like lightning. That a woman of extraordinary beauty, like the one who had captivated his father, would appear and sweep him off his feet with her beauty. That’s why he had been so wary of beautiful women.

‘But her? Really?’

Yet, part of him had also been curious. Curious to see who would finally breach his defenses.

And there she was, lying before him, not a renowned beauty, not a princess, but an exiled tutor from a fallen count’s family. He couldn’t believe it, couldn’t accept it, but it had happened.

‘I can’t believe it.’

If she hadn’t been exiled, he would never have met her. Even with the numerous invitations that arrived at the ducal residence each year, he rarely visited the court, preferring to stay in his domain like a dragon guarding its hoard. And if not for her exile, she wouldn’t have left the court and come here.

‘This is even worse than my brother.’

After that night of realization, Jeanne thankfully woke up.

As soon as he heard the news, he rushed to her side. Yet, he spent the next few days denying his feelings, unwilling to accept the realization that had dawned on him that night. …And even now, he was spending another sleepless night, trying to decipher her words.

‘I hope Your Grace hasn’t given up on the possibility of finding an intelligent and kind woman as your wife. Because Your Grace is certainly worthy of being loved by such a woman.’

Assigning meaning to every single word she had spoken.

* * *

After my blunder at the dinner, I tried to behave properly. 

The Duke of Skadi was a high-ranking nobleman, second only to the King, and I had perhaps that’s why I had become too casual after frequently encountering him, conversing with him, and occasionally even dining with him. 

I confined myself to my room, avoiding the library and only leaving for lessons with Lady Ana.

During my self-imposed confinement, I wrote letters. 

To my beloved An, to my dear mother, whom I missed terribly. Letters to my brother and mother.

I had so much to say. I wrote and rewrote, pouring out my thoughts, trying to push aside the fear that my blunder might prevent the letters from being sent.

As I wrote, the suppressed longing for my family overwhelmed me. I turned away, wiping my tears with the back of my hand, so as not to smudge the ink on the letters. Time kept passing.

How were they doing without me?

While I wrote letters, unsure if they would ever be sent, Lady Ana’s nanny position remained vacant. 

Lady Ana often visited my room after lessons. One day, she even came late at night, asking me to read to her in her room until she fell asleep.

“I’m scared to sleep alone.”

I gladly fulfilled her request. My younger sibling had also struggled with sleeping alone, even when he was older than Lady Ana. The book Lady Ana asked me to read was a collection of folktales, and even though I already knew all the stories, I still enjoyed reading them.

One night, as I was reading to Lady Ana in her room, she asked,

“Teacher, don’t you miss your mother and father?”

I looked at Lady Ana, nestled between my arm and my side.

“Do you stop missing your mother and father when you become an adult like you, Teacher?”

The story I was reading was about a girl who embarked on a journey to find her mother, who had suddenly disappeared. Lady Ana looked at me with her beautiful eyes.

“Of course I do. I miss them very much.”

I answered truthfully.

“Me too. Sometimes, I miss them so much that I cry. But when will I see them again?”

“…”

“The Duke says my parents are dead, but I don’t believe it. They wouldn’t leave me alone. It feels like a dream. All of this.”

I knew nothing about Lady Ana’s parents, so I could only listen.

“Teacher, it’s so nice here… I can sleep in a nice bed, wear pretty dresses, and eat delicious food… and I can play with you… but I want to go home now.”

“…”

“I want to go home, Teacher. If this is a dream, I want to wake up.”

What could I possibly say to comfort her?

‘What happened to this child? What happened that made her lose her parents and end up here?’

Lacking the right words to comfort her, I simply held her close.