C | Chapter 8.1 | Breakdown | Crack in the Perfection

Ian returned to the hotel a little past eight. After parting ways with Leo, he realized he hadn’t yet received his cash card, making it impossible to take the subway. As he pondered what to do, he ended up walking more than twenty blocks.

Only when he saw the sign of a corner café across from the hotel did he feel the pangs of hunger.

Looking up, he noticed the sky tinged with the red hues of dusk. Ian half-closed his eyes, gazing at the fading sun.

Another night will fall.

The moment of sunset was too brief. Back when he was at Rose Hulman, he often felt regret when this moment came. Sometimes, watching the last pale red light of the evening sun fade through the window made him want to cry.

Because the nights were too long.

As the sun set and complete darkness began, someone inevitably called for him.

“Ian, it’s time for your medication.”

Ian would turn, taking a small plastic cup with a green pill inside. He swallowed it quietly, and the woman who had brought him the pill would smile.

“Good boy, as always.”

The woman wore a green outfit, similar in shade to the pill. It reminded Ian of the dress the girl he’d had his first experience with wore at prom.

Honk!

A loud car horn startled Ian. Coming to his senses, he realized he’d been walking across the crosswalk despite the red light.

“Whoa!”

He froze in place, unsure of what to do, as a few more cars honked and narrowly avoided him.

Suddenly, anxiety surged through him. His chest twisted with a sense of unease, like running an endless road.

“I’m scared, Leo.”

Whenever he was scared, it was like a reflexive response—he thought of Leo. He wanted to be held in Leo’s solid, warm, adult embrace. He liked that Leo would hold him without stroking him. When he was in Leo’s arms, the fear vanished as if by magic.

“Hold me, Leo.”

There was nothing sexual about those words. He just sought comfort from Leo.

“I love you, Leo.”

And maybe, just maybe, that, too.

The walk signal finally turned green, allowing Ian to finish crossing. His face twisted in an indescribable way, more than before. He and Leo weren’t lovers. He was aware that there had never been any sexual contact between them.

Even now, after discovering the unwelcome truth that Revenant was, in fact, Leo, Ian felt that Leo and Revenant were two entirely different people.

The ‘Leo’ , who had never had sex with him, was gone. Since they had become sexual partners, Revenant seemed intent on keeping Ian close, even to the point of putting a collar on him.

Ian didn’t know what had suddenly changed in him.

Sighing, Ian stepped into the elevator, heading toward the suite.

Why did you suddenly come back after leaving me? It can’t be for the same reason I longed for you.

What else are you hiding from me?

The questions settled in his mind like fog.

—

Click.

Before Ian could place the key card against the door, it opened first. He had no time to be surprised before an arm reached out, pulling him inside.

Suddenly, he felt a firm hand grip his waist, and then his feet were lifted off the ground. In that split second of awareness, Revenant’s lips crashed into his.

Revenant lifted him slightly as they kissed, giving Ian the feeling that, despite Revenant initiating the kiss, he was somehow the one overwhelming him.

His arms instinctively wrapped around Revenant’s shoulders. When he closed his eyes, it was just lips—hot, intense, rough—and he loved it. The fierce sensation seemed to consume everything else, telling him that he didn’t need memories that wouldn’t come to mind.

“Hah…”

Ian moaned, gripping the back of Revenant’s head.

Thud!

His back hit the wall. Pinning him against the wall, Revenant pressed his lower body tightly against Ian, slipping his leg between Ian’s thighs. His hand grabbed a handful of Ian’s rear over his pants. Ian clutched Revenant’s shoulder as if he might claw into it.

“W-wait…”

“Where did you go?”

“Hold on… Let me down. My feet can’t…”

“You’re late.”

“I had things to… ah…”

“Don’t do this again.”

“D-don’t do what…? Wha…”

“Don’t disappear in front of my eyes.”

Revenant bit down on his nipple through his shirt. Ian pushed him away, a tingling pleasure shooting down his spine.

“Why… why are you doing this? Stop…”

“I’m hungry.”

Unbothered by Ian’s resistance, Revenant kept biting and whispering. The teasing breath he released, the warmth he exuded, made Ian feel like he was going to lose his mind.

“Then… go eat something…”

“All day, I’ve been hungry for you. Not seeing you made it worse. It felt like I’d lost you just as I thought I’d caught you.”

“What are you… some kind of beast?”

At the word “beast,” Revenant’s tongue darted out to swipe over his lips in a provocative curve.

“I want to devour you.”

The gaze he gave him was as if he were already stripping him bare, like peeling off leather. His nostrils flared as if savoring the freshness of still-warm flesh. Lips wet with saliva seemed to yearn for more.

More, more, more.

I’ll strip you bare. I’ll tear you apart and explore every part of you. I’ll lick, chew, swallow every piece of you. I’ll devour you whole.

That gaze was dizzying. Ian wanted the oblivion he offered. He wanted to be consumed, to sink into the dark silence.

Revenant had told him this forgetfulness, this silence and secrecy, was for Ian.

And he wanted to believe it. He wanted to fall asleep in his embrace, in a solid, unbroken slumber, where he didn’t have to remember anything.

“You can eat me.”

Ian whispered, running his fingers through Revenant’s dark hair.

“Tell me why you tried to buy that house from Lloyd Gillen.”

“…”

Revenant froze, still holding him. Only his lips shifted slightly, forming an unreadable smile.

“How did you know?”

“By luck.”

“…So you won’t answer, huh?”

“You do the same. I’ve picked it up by now. I told you I’m a quick learner.”

“That much was clear.”

Revenant’s eyes trailed meaningfully over Ian’s lips as he pressed his fingers between his buttocks. Heat radiated between Revenant’s legs, and Ian, feeling his body tremble faintly, opened his mouth again.

“If you want to keep going, you need to answer me. Why did you want to buy that house?”

“…”

A silence followed, one Ian had expected but was still displeased by.

“You didn’t intend to give it back to me, did you?”

Somehow, he had suspected as much. If Revenant had truly meant to return it to him, he wouldn’t have avoided answering. Revenant had never lied to avoid an answer—he’d only ever said, “I won’t answer.”

“That’s right.”

“And…?”

“If the house had been intact, I’d have bought it just to burn it down myself. But since it already burned, I was thinking of demolishing it and maybe turning it into a park.”

“…What?”

Thud!

Ian shoved him away in shock. Revenant only staggered slightly before regaining his hold on Ian.

“Why are you angry?”

Wouldn’t not being angry be stranger? Even though they had become physical as soon as they saw each other, he was plotting to demolish the house he had lived in without a word to him.

“And what about you? Why are you angry about that house?”

“Me? …Yes, maybe I am. Because I want it gone.”

“You can’t do that. That house is mine…”

“What does that house mean to you?”

Ian was at a loss for words. It wasn’t that he couldn’t answer; it was that a memory he had nearly recalled but lost resurfaced.

That house must not disappear. Because…

Because that house… might be…

Yes, Ian had a reason to hold onto that house. A tear welled up and fell from his eye.

“Because Leo might come back.”

He felt foolish for holding onto the house, waiting for Leo. The man he had waited for all this time had returned, but he was saying he had no intention of coming back. Ian was the only one tangled up in memories of that house.

Even if he couldn’t remember Leo, the fact that he existed somewhere in his memories was reason enough to want to crumble. Ian loved Leo. Only Ian did.

Leo hadn’t returned his love. He hadn’t, and he’d left.

What am I doing with you?

Revenant was trying to hide the fact that he was Leo. Maybe it was because he didn’t want Ian to continue saying he loved him.

Revenant had told him he could have it all, but he never said he wanted all of Ian.

And what are you doing with me? This… even this is because your body is among the things you claimed you would give, right? Because I wanted you, like how I needed your charity.

Are you just giving me what I want? Why? Because of the guilt you hold for me?

Annoyed, Ian brushed away his tears. Revenant was looking at him like he was dissecting his expression. Then he suddenly spoke.

“Do you… miss Leo?”

Maybe he did.

But Ian now knew that Revenant was Leo. Leo was now a part of Revenant, and a part of the shared past they had.

Ian twisted his lips in a slight smile.

“I suppose, maybe. Because he’s someone I love.”

Because that person is you.

Revenant’s hand reached out, gripping Ian’s chin. His expression was similar to the one he wore during sex when he said, “Look at me. Focus.”

“When you knew Leo, you were just a kid. There was no such thing as the kind of love you’re thinking of.”

“How do you know that? I still remember… Ugh! That hurts!”

Revenant tightened his grip on Ian’s chin, making him gasp. His face was inches away.

“Forget it. You don’t need to remember any of it.”

“What… are you saying? Let go.”

“Answer me. Say you won’t remember.”

“Why…”

Revenant pulled Ian closer by the waist, pressing his arousal against him. In a voice so low it seemed to fracture, he murmured,

“How much longer are you going to make me yearn for you? Do you only care about waiting for Leo? Are you saying anyone who held you gently would be enough?”

“D-don’t say stupid things… I’m not like that…”

“I will never be Leo. No matter how much you want it, I’m not that Leo. I’m here, and I’ll hold you and never stop. I’m just me. Don’t mistake me for someone else.”

And then he kissed him.

It was a rougher, more sensual kiss. Revenant sucked Ian’s tongue with a fierce possessiveness, ripping open his shirt. His bare chest was exposed, and Revenant pinched his nipples, twisting them slightly, making Ian’s head tilt back as he gasped for air. His tongue followed him relentlessly as Ian tried to turn away.

It wasn’t that Ian didn’t want sex. It wasn’t that he didn’t want Revenant. He still ached for him. He even felt relieved by his obsessive, possessive behavior. What he couldn’t stand was the way their twisted relationship had formed, filled with gaps created by forgotten memories.

“Not now. Stop.”

Ian wanted to go back to the moment he’d opened the door and start again, calmly and slowly.

Hello, I’m back. Today, I happened to see you. In Lloyd Gillen’s office. It seems like you were trying to buy the house he took from me. Can you tell me why? Also, I found out you’re Leo. I regret not remembering, but it can’t be helped. Still, I was happy. In the end, you came back.

That’s right, isn’t it? I loved you, and maybe back then, I was just a kid to you. But not anymore. That’s why you accepted me now, right? So, we’re feeling the same way, right?

Tell me. You like me too, don’t you?

…You love me, don’t you?

Revenant grabbed his chin.

“Don’t act like a child.”

“Look who’s talking. You’re acting like an animal in heat.”

“I told you. You’ll have to live with a beast from now on.”

“Words alone don’t define everything. Just because you say so, do I have to agree with everything?”

“I warned you, and I even gave you a chance to walk away. But it was you who chose to stay.”

“Don’t twist my words. We were talking about a relationship, not agreeing to have sex whenever you feel like it. If I knew your words meant I’d have to put up with your heat on command, I would’ve called it nonsense from the start.”

Revenant’s grip on his chin slowly tightened. Their faces drew closer, breaths brushing against each other’s skin, their lips aware of each other’s existence. Breathing became hard. Revenant’s piercing blue gaze seemed to sink Ian under the weight of it.

“So what would our relationship be without sex? You tell me.”

“Well…”

“You love Leo. But I can never be him. The only thing I’m here to replace is him in bed with you. Can you honestly say there’s anything more?”

“I, I…”

Ian felt as though he were sinking, struggling in a deep, dense pool, trapped in a weight he couldn’t escape from.

“You said you’re worth a high price. I poured everything I had into obtaining you—even my name. So if I paid that much, shouldn’t I have access to you whenever I want?”

“You…”

All you have isn’t just my body. You’ve already had my heart, haven’t you? All you had to do was accept it.

“Whoa!”

Before he could say those words, Ian’s body was lifted. Draped over Revenant’s shoulder, Ian squirmed, yelling.

“Put me down! What are you doing?”

“Taking you to bed.”

Bang!

The door flew open, revealing the massive bed in the suite. Revenant tossed Ian onto the mattress like a piece of luggage. Despite the force, it didn’t hurt. The springy mattress seemed prepared to take his weight.

“I’m not making excuses. I wanted to do this with you all along. All that stuff about you being a kid was just me clinging to some human decency I couldn’t admit to. But now, I’m a beast, so fine. I’ll take you my way. In a way that Leo never would have.”

Grabbing Ian by the ankle, Revenant yanked him close and stripped off his t-shirt. Even in those moments, his arousal pressed relentlessly against Ian’s thigh.

Realizing his helplessness as he became fully exposed, Ian held his breath as Revenant grabbed him by the nape and pulled him close.

“If I had known, I would’ve taken you when you were fifteen.”

Revenant gave him no room to protest. He covered Ian’s mouth with his own. Resistance was trapped between his arms, and his legs were trapped between Revenant’s thighs. Helpless, Ian could only swallow his rough gasps.

Bare skin pressed against bare skin, lips consumed lips, and two erections met, pressing together.

Revenant spread Ian’s legs with unstoppable desire. The way his want pulsed, it was as though he would consume Ian in that moment.

“No…”

With effort, Ian pushed him away and whispered. Revenant’s desire was so intense that it easily ignited Ian as well, but he was still afraid of the encounter that would soon come. He feared a relationship based on sex alone, like Revenant had said.

“Don’t…”

Suddenly, Revenant stopped. Ian, reclining halfway on the double-stacked head cushions, looked at Revenant as he lifted himself slightly. His legs were still spread. Instinctively, Ian tried to pull his knees together, but Revenant was faster, gripping his thighs and spreading them once more.

“Ugh, stop…”

Ian’s exposed body lay open to Revenant’s gaze. The smooth, dark hair around his groin, his member, the flesh beyond, the narrow entrance hidden within soft skin—all lay bare. Watching it all, Revenant grabbed his own arousal.

Suddenly, shame gave way to something else. The thought of closing himself up vanished. Ian stared into Revenant’s eyes, realizing he was the clear, vivid object of his desire.

A rush of sensitivity swelled in his lower half. He couldn’t take his eyes off Revenant. His intense arousal, encased in skin, was ready to engulf him. Thinking of what it would feel like as it entered, he felt a tingle ripple through his entire body.

“Spread your…”

Revenant’s voice, deepened and murky, reached him.

“Spread your legs a bit more.”

Ian shook his head—not out of reluctance. He slowly leaned forward, moving toward Revenant. As he placed a hand on Revenant’s shoulder and looked into his eyes, Revenant wrapped an arm around his waist.

“Did you… want me?”

Back then?

“Probably.”

“Do you want me?”

Now, as you did then?

“Yes.”

For now, that was enough. Ian slid his hand down Revenant’s shoulder, leaning in to press his lips to Revenant’s arousal. Wet sounds filled the room as Ian kissed and licked the hard flesh.

“You’re mine.”

Raising his head, Ian marked him and wrapped an arm around his neck, pulling him into a kiss.

“Do as you please now.”

“…”

The beast unleashed itself, and all Ian could do was whimper. There was nothing else he was allowed to do.