AR Ch 5 part 1

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Back when he was too young to know the meaning of the word ‘survival’, Seokju came to learn its definition with his own body. Even when he cried until his throat was sore, the only thing that came his way was a slap to the face. Most days, he never knew if he’d be given the basic necessities of food and clothing.

Even when he found out that the existence of a ‘parent’ would never protect him, he didn’t care. This was because he never had anyone to compare his life to. However, when he began to leave his house and meet other people, he was able to understand it with surprising clarity. Everything about his life was not normal.

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He was a scruffy, scrawny beggar boy. Eyes filled with pity whenever they landed on him. The gazes were unfamiliar, but they also felt warm. It filled him with a glimmer of hope that one of them would help him escape the cage he was in. However, that miracle never happened.

For the most part, those who pitied and sympathized with Seokju were poor. Those that did have the luxury to help never strayed past the imaginary line they had drawn between him and them. Either way, both types of people wanted Seokju to lower his head to them in gratitude if they helped him out.

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When he was a young kid, he didn’t know about the ways of the world and therefore did not lower his head. Once he grew a bit older, he could feel their sense of superiority over him and did not want to. The thing Seokju hated most in this world was cheap pity. He’d rather be ignored and neglected. This was because he was confident that he would stomp down on these people one way or another.

Seokju hated all of mankind, but the people he hated the most were his parents. Once he could reason things out in his head, the only mantra that repeated over and over in his mind was, ‘I am different from them.’ In order to be different from them, he needed to be spotless and clean. In order to be different, he couldn’t be ignorant. He needed to be more than excellent. In order to prove to himself that he was different, he needed to condemn them.

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“Damn it. They say the one who gets envious loses, but I’m seriously so envious.”

Jiwon tapped her pen on the table. She placed it down and let out a sigh. Seokju broke away from his train of thought and looked at her.

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“What do you mean?”

“Nevermind. How could you ever know the heart of someone who failed the entrance exam?”

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His life had reached a turning point during the winter of last year. Winter was always the fiercest season for Seokju. His hands and feet grew so cold, they felt like they’d fall off. His face froze as well.

On a cold winter’s day when his hatred of humans had reached its peak, he met Jiwon ‘again’. Inside this old house that was filled with an overwhelming warmth that reminded him of a bonfire. With frames and scratches along its walls, it held the traces of the people living inside.

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“Don’t you think you’d be better off changing your career path?”

“Mind your own business. Just focus on packing your stuff.”

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Seokju glanced at the textbook on the table. Jiwon hadn’t even finished the first page. He bit his lips. The entrance ceremony to the police academy was coming up in two days. He would have to start living in the dorms which meant that all the memories he’d made in this house would become history.

There weren’t many things that were going to be packed into his duffel bag, but he was also dragging his feet. He sensed the mood and pulled out the t-shirt he’d placed inside the bag and refolded it.

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“I don’t think you’ll be able to make it this year, so just shoot for next year instead.”

Unlike Jiwon, Seokju passed the national entrance exams and entered the police academy. Jiwon’s test results weren’t good. She was smart, but she never cared for studying. More accurately, she was never frantic about her grades. To her, she put more importance in dealing with the absurdities in her everyday life than worrying about something like that.

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“Don’t say something so demoralizing before I even begin.”

“I’m just being realistic.”

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With the goal of becoming a constable, Jiwon would be leaving the house before him if she passed her test. It meant that she would be entering a world he didn’t know and meeting other people.

“Hey. Do you know why there’s a saying that it isn’t the end until the end?”

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Jiwon looked at him and narrowed her eyes as she crossed her arms. Did she think he wouldn’t be able to see it just because she was wearing thick clothes due to the cold weather? Even though they lived in the same house, she never wore her underwear when they were home. He wasn’t sure if her indifference was merely because she trusted him or whether she just disregarded his presence. Seokju frowned in confusion.

“Why?”

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“To flatten the noses of people like you.”

Jiwon spit out before turning her eyes back to her book. As she angrily flipped through the pages, his eyes were drawn to her hands. Her limbs were long, her fingers were slender, and her wrists were thin. While he was gone, what if someone else grabbed that wrist?

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Last summer, their kiss was something that shook his world. It also made him realize how dangerous emotions could be. To Jiwon, dating someone was like a picnic where they saw each other lightheartedly. That meant she could comfortably date anyone in this world. On the day she went to the amusement park with some idiot, Seokju hadn’t been able to focus on a single word of his open textbook. That was when he came to the realization.

She was so clueless, and he wanted her to know. The person you’re really focused on isn’t some idiot. It’s me. And if she wasn’t focused on him, he wanted to force her to look at him. That was why he kissed her. Of course, he regretted it like crazy afterwards.

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His hope that these emotions would disappear was just wishful thinking. That spring day when a sweet smell traveled with the wind… Despite not remembering his face, Jiwon had claimed that he was her first love. By then, Seokju had already wanted to kiss her.

“Throw away the worn clothes with the stretched neckline.”

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“What else am I supposed to wear at home? A dress?”

Jiwon scratched her exposed collar and she glared at him. Ever since they started living in the same house, she would unconsciously reveal parts of her body. However, after the kiss they shared in the rain, it would make Seokju grow feverish even when she wasn’t being suggestive.

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For the last six months, he had been extremely troubled. Even now, he was doing his best to suppress his instincts. But Jiwon could never imagine he was going through something like this.

Before he met Jiwon, Seokju never thought of dating anyone. And now… Seokju’s definition of dating was completely different from Jiwon’s easygoing, lighthearted view of dating.To him, dating someone he didn’t have a future with was a waste of time and unnecessary. Seokju was now dreaming of a future with Jiwon. In order for this to be fulfilled, he needed to prepare. So that Jiwon could never reject him.

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“Park Jiwon.”

“Mm?”

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“Why do you want to go through the trouble of becoming a police officer?”

Jiwon pulled the pen she had been chewing out of her mouth. She looked at him and grinned.

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“They’re cool.”

He had already heard this stupid answer from her many times. And it was also the reason why he decided to change his career path. Seokju took the shirt he had unfolded and folded it back up again. The police academy campus was three hours away by car. Once she was out of sight, this violent urge to undress her would settle down.

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“I asked my dad once. Even if you catch the murderer, the victim will never come back to life. So why was he working so hard?”

Jiwon’s hero was her father, Park HeungSoo. Having watched him ever since she was little, he played a large part in her hopes for the future. Even Seokju had to acknowledge Detective Park’s incredible perseverance because he ended up getting Seokju to live in this house. However, it was not time to reveal his history with Detective Park to Jiwon just yet.

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If possible, he never wanted her to find out. However, as long as Detective Park was her father, this was impossible. He needed to tell her at some point. Seokju wasn’t confident that he’d be able to when the time came.

“It must be because there’s a higher likelihood the criminal will strike again. If you don’t pull them out by the root, they’ll continue to commit the crime.”

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Would keeping her by his side without telling her be a crime in and of itself? Either way, even if she knew, nothing good would come of it. Therefore, keeping her in the dark might be for the best.

“That’s true. He said that it’s for the sake of consoling the spirits of those who died a wrongful death.”

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“Once you’re dead, that’s the end.”

Jiwon looked upset as she glared at Seokju. It wasn’t like this was the first time Seokju said something so cold, but whenever he did, she never seemed tired of reacting. It reminded Seokju of a restless puppy.

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“I said that, too.”

“And what did he say in response?”

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“He said that the surviving family members are also victims.”

Even now, from time to time, Jiwon’s family received packages without a return address. Seokju didn’t have to ask to know that they were from the families of victims whose cases had been solved by Detective Park.

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“Well, that doesn’t matter. Police officers are cool. No matter how scary a situation is, when people hear, ‘It’s the police!’, they feel relieved. When they hear the siren, their legs give out and they feel much better.”

Usually, when people heard the sound of sirens, they’d feel anxious and nervous. Even if they didn’t do anything wrong, they’d feel this way because of their conscience being pricked by some kind of hidden guilt. Because they were bound to have a secret that no one else knew about.

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Whenever Seokju recalled the shady house he used to live in before he came here, a dark, musty warehouse, his mouth ran dry. That day when Jiwon desperately waited to hear the sound of a siren… The day when he’d been beaten up by his inebriated father after being caught hanging around the warehouse multiple times, waiting for his father to fall asleep in drunken stupor.

“Don’t you agree? Isn’t that why you’re trying to become a police officer?”

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Seoku didn’t answer her and continued to pack his bag. Although he’d only been staying at Jiwon’s house for one year, his luggage had increased exponentially. Because each object he’d received was wrapped in memories, he had deliberately thrown some away. If he didn’t, he felt like he’d be filled with memories of Jiwon whenever he saw it.

“Actually, I still don’t understand it. I think a doctor’s coat would suit you a lot better than a police uniform.”

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“You’ve never seen me in either.”

Once he entered the dorms, he’d only be able to come back to this house on holidays. Seokju calculated the time between now and then. Over two hundred days. About five thousand hours. Would he be able to endure it?

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“Do I need to see it to know? I can just imagine it.”

Jiwon slid down from the dining chair and sat right next to him. He could smell her shampoo wafting from her short hair. Thanks to her, he found out that even though they used the same shampoo, it smelled different depending on the person.

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“To be frank, you like to be solitary rather than be a team player. But you still decided to be a police officer, a position that has subordinates and superiors. It doesn’t seem like you’re hung up on righteousness either…”

“Should I just not go?”

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Jiwon’s eyes fluttered. Judging from the way her neck was turning red, she was flustered.

“What… If I tell you not to go, will you listen?”

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“No.”

As soon as he answered her, Jiwon looked at him in disbelief and frowned. He wanted to kiss her. Fuck. Seokju suppressed the urge to press his lips on her forehead as he zipped up his bag.

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“Then why did you even ask?”

“Just ‘cus. I wanted to know what you were thinking.”

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Jiwon scowled as she raised her voice.

“What do you mean by ‘what I’m thinking’? I’m finally free. I can live comfortably now. That’s what I’m thinking. Actually, I was really uncomfortable during this past year.”

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“Yeah. Now that I won’t be here, live freely and comfortably.”

There was no need to worry about showing her his unfiltered true thoughts. He was the idiot who made his career choice based on one woman’s remark that police officers were cool.

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“You don’t have to tell me twice. I’m going to eat well and sleep well with you gone.”

“Okay. As you should.”

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“…I’m going to meet other guys and have multiple flings.”

“Fighting.”

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Seokju swallowed the curse that threatened to leave his mouth and opened the refrigerator door. He could barely endure the burning sensation in his throat.

“Hey, Shin Seokju.”

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After filling his cup with water, he gulped it down. However, the thirst did not go away. He began to walk over to the sink when Jiwon spoke up in a gloomy voice.

“Were you just playing around with me?”

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“What kind of makjang, cliche line is that?”

“Last summer, when it was raining a lot, you…”

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Jiwon burst up and huffed as she glared at him. Seokju leaned on the dining table and gazed at her. His mouth ran dry. Jiwon’s face was red, and she wasn’t able to finish her sentence.

“Yeah. I kissed you.”

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Now her small earlobes were turning red. If he sucked on them, how would it feel? If they didn’t help one hear better, why were they there? It only served to drive him crazy.

“And after that, you continued to…!”

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“I did. Frequently.”

Because Jiwon continued to keep her hair short, her cute ears and the nape of her neck that aroused his protective instincts could be seen. She walked around with them fully exposed, and they continued to live under the same roof. Seokju had reached the end of his rope.

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“Do you want to do it again now?”

“I’m not in the mood to joke around, okay?”

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While Jiwon huffed with anger, Seokju wanted to throw her down on the dining table and strip her naked before having sex with her. Crossing that line would only take a moment. Seokju now knew just how weak he was to his sexual desire.

Once he had a taste of her, he wouldn’t be able to control himself anymore. After kissing her in the rain, he told himself it wouldn’t happen again. However, he’d already broken this promise multiple times. Once it had taken root, his desire for her had kept its cruel grip on him. He could no longer get rid of it.

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“I’m not in the mood to joke around either. Move.”

More than anything, Seokju wanted to avoid situations where he’d lose total control. His parents had given birth in a horrible situation and had even thrown him into the pits of hell. Just the thought of this still made his teeth chatter. If he foolishly burned his hand here before he had the skills and ability to protect Jiwon, if he lost her… That would be the absolute worst case scenario.

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“How can you say that? You want me to have multiple flings? You want me to meet other guys?”

“I never said that. Those were your words, not mine.”

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“It’s because you seem completely unbothered!!”

Seokju wondered if his gulp was too loud. Then he went back to the refrigerator. He did his best to cool his head, but it seemed that Jiwon had no plans on helping him do so.

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“Throw away all the books and textbooks we bought together. Every last one of them.”

Why was she saying something like this now? Seokju frowned.

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“I’m going to drink some water.”

“You appeared without any warning, and now you’re leaving so cleanly. Like slicing through a radish. You cold bastard.”

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“I said move.”

Seokju took one step forward towards Jiwon, who was standing in front of the refrigerator door. She drew in a deep breath and continued to rattle on.

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“You even told us not to come to your entrance ceremony. Why did you do that? Are you embarrassed of my family? Or are you embarrassed of me?”

Jiwon’s eyes reddened as she made the last comment. Seokju raised his hand and moved to flatten out the wrinkles on her brow, but Jiwon slapped it away.

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“Stop it.”

Seokju seemed unfazed as he held her face in his hand. Her feverish skin felt warm against his palm. It felt like he was touching a baby animal. He could feel her rapid pulse against his ring finger. He mustered up all his strength to hold onto his self-control.

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“You said you liked police officers.”

“…What?”

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“You told me you liked police officers.”

Jiwon’s eyes trembled as they looked back at him. He knew she’d react like this if he was honest, but this was her punishment for testing his endurance. Blood rushed to his wrist, and the veins twitched.

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“If you think you can meet other guys, go ahead. I’ll kill those bastards.”

Jiwon blinked a couple of times before her eyes filled with dread. Seokju stroked the smooth skin of her cheek with his thumb.

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“…Why did you tell us not to come to the academy?”

“That place is swarming with police officers. Do you want to witness a massacre?”

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“Idiot. You’re retarded, aren’t you? Stupid.”

Jiwon looked up with her puppy dog eyes and hit his shoulder with her fist. The punch was a lot harder than expected, but Seokju liked it even more because of it. He hoped that she’d do the same to other guys when they approached her.

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“You’re making a fuss even when I give you an answer.”

Jiwon gave him an aggrieved look and seemed like she was hesitating to say something.

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“If you’re done talking, let me go. I need to purchase a train ticket.”

“Why haven’t you confessed that you like me yet?”

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Jiwon’s eyes reddened as they grew damp. Seokju drew in a breath. His entire body tensed up as it grew feverish. His voice came out raspy as if someone had scratched his vocal chords.

“Why would I do that?”

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It was pathetic to cling onto someone. If he was rejected by her because he wasn’t charming enough, he’d rather commit suicide.

“Have you been using me all this time?”

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Jiwon drew in a breath before replying in a shaky voice.

“What?”

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Seokju frowned as she gave him a frustrated look. She spit out her response.

“You said back when we were seniors that dating at that point in time would be crazy, so I waited. I thought you’d confess once you were done with your physical exams. Then I thought you’d confess once you passed your national entrance exams. Then I thought you’d say something once the results of your police academy applications came out. But you haven’t given me any certainty, and you’re only spewing nonsense!”

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Seokju knew that she had been hesitating to say all this. That’s why she just spit it out like this. It was annoying.

“What’s your point?”

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“I like you, Shin Seokju, you son of a bitch!!”