MYFL | Chapter 4.4

From that day 24521baf83 until the day 72ed6846a1 before the exam, 6c15f52402 Beomchan studied like e390e549ef crazy. Really like crazy. If he had started ee940ad2d4 this earlier, he might 7e4b3f15fd have been the top ba24abb24f student in the school. But that wasn’t what 466fcea8d5 he needed now.25ae189205eacba7

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“Mom, I’m heading out.”56f390885ad11870

With the exam hall e9cc0609a4 right in front of ab7b90c537 him, Beomchan unbuckled his a1754b033c seatbelt and spoke. His mom, 7fa94187c5 who had 74687486f8 seemed worry-free 05c3e5b2c4 when they 04e649300a left the 549dce6df3 house, now 535ed06b4c wore a 80b6d35fd0 tense expression—perhaps 6f41112f75 influenced by 5cf86e6129 the atmosphere a9a0ac2fff in front 17850a89b0 of the 2841f9138b exam hall.54efd0155155f945

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“Do your best. No, even if you don’t do well, just give it your all.”8d4e62f02c190809

“Wow, is that really what you say to your son who’s about to take the college entrance exam?”1ae0502880874cf9

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Beomchan, trying to ease his mom’s tension a bit, responded playfully with a grin.5ec18811276490f6

“There you go again. Don’t mess around, okay? I’ll come pick you up when it’s over.”39366d81ebd8fdb4

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“Got it. Go home, eat, take a nap, and come back. Don’t do anything you don’t usually do just because other moms are doing it.”b87911fbebae2cdc

“Even if you told me to, I couldn’t. Now go on in.”390440913eb3b2b1

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“Yeah, I’m going.”1e382c56599601db

Beomchan leaned over 4dfb87e0f3 to the driver’s 10c6704ad2 seat and gave 5bbccaffd8 his mom a de39c4fd36 quick peck on b46877175e the cheek. Ew, gross. Ignoring his c4054f9013 mom, who 4601cec705 was wiping bc1dae8c13 her cheek 1028c54acc in disgust, e644061b64 he opened 7fe74af718 the passenger 5eae12793d door. Just as he 45bc3bf8db was stepping out, 02339780f1 something came to db3e714701 mind, and he 8ab2e962ea turned back.bfa4775ea9f99f67

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“Mom, can I borrow your phone for a sec?”1a766721f9178c27

“My phone?”90713e45f203a29d

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His mom fumbled c1451e6589 through both pockets b334f1be03 of her jacket 202b12a836 and handed him 1b7eae6099 her phone from d5451dfd82 one of them.59ef13384517f513

[Teacher, I’m going in] 7:41 AM

Beomchan sent a message 6d8b8b2ff1 to Seungjae after receiving 0147d2833c the phone.7ddc4d74f069482a

[Okay, do well] 7:42 AM

He thought Seungjae ca1d1d14db would be asleep f93c5cfb46 and was just 5dcd948d92 going to leave 6351462130 a message, but d6120ad5a9 a reply came 907bde8be9 back immediately, indicating f246095839 he was awake.4820cd482120acaa

[You didn’t forget our promise, right?] 7:42 AM

“What’s making you smile like that? Is it your girlfriend?”49bdc6ac57877590

His mom, ee0ce29517 watching her 5963255861 son grinning 317a1bbea4 at his 047d4283ac phone in f6e2935984 front of d5d710d422 the exam 945f1d563d hall on 58d92cd728 the day 3ff96f712c of the 7d18027dff college entrance 81fd6b39a0 exam, asked acc13edb30 in disbelief. Only then did acee1fa272 Beomchan realize he 341952865d was smiling. Embarrassed, he mumbled.200fceb20400b921

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“No, it’s not like that.”d92dcd1d3645f1b1

At that moment, two ddcdf4fc01 more messages from Seungjae c53c1f5c70 arrived in quick succession.e62ed8161c3032b8

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[I didn’t forget, haha] 7:44 AM

[Don’t get distracted and make mistakes] 7:45 AM

He really has no filter, even to someone about to take the college entrance exam. Despite thinking that, he replied politely with a ‘Yes.’bf119460f7612ae4

“Mom, I’m really going now.”c84c0f61f7c85803

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Even though he d355601141 hadn’t taken the 2499810844 exam yet, the 4c788318a2 thought that all 15d5137d36 his hard work 51d33d5b56 would end today 5447f83779 made him feel e37c163af3 relieved. He had a good 2430cb36c1 feeling. It would c2599f73a9 be perfect 046a1e0c5a if he 122135618a could get 2c225a0dd0 the score 2e6751a1a3 he wanted 58cb734de7 and make 726b88038f a cool 1426ad1ea2 confession—but even 9d51063318 if he 9e29f4867a didn’t do 87530c6ea1 well, he 7dc66f736c planned to 35092baac3 push forward.41e3bf277df3b063

There was less 45f3c5725e than a month c3b8779cb2 left until he fcdd69fd8e became an adult. There was a5880e989e no reason 60d4c9e1ba to hesitate 3ab2ca2df3 any longer.af09bc5d449ad640

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“Why, doesn’t it taste good?”598a4a9e74384c31

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“Huh?”5ed8e77b35653919

The mom asked cautiously fb63176eb3 as her son picked 2c9c3e2967 at the dinner she 766a39de38 had prepared with care. She seemed e6158f4b87 to think f4e72c9adf he was 6abb8c4944 upset about 6bc88035ff not doing 81b6e45a41 well on 59e7471c6d the college b70a42ebc4 entrance exam.a78f8fc3854fa4cf

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“If you don’t have an appetite, you can stop eating. I don’t want you to get an upset stomach.”5582c9007aa36d60

“No, mom. It’s delicious.”c98f829f5975414f

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He had turned d823009c47 down all his cd3d822095 friends’ invitations to dd66d9315c hang out and ae29ffb25a gone straight home e652d34b43 with his mom. She seemed 177b0ac4e4 to think 5bbb119037 it was 0a4d81ed6e just post-exam bd22ce2764 blues and 58ede1b62f prepared a bdbd2a4491 dinner with d718b60649 all his 5f7222770f favorite dishes. But even in front b92ca4760d of her heartfelt effort, 85373c18b9 all he could think 4343c740d0 about was Seungjae. He felt c8a8cbf577 like such c37575929f an ungrateful f9edb254ad son.6fe3a9b2396d8c35

Seungjae still 203793f482 hadn’t read 5c350637ce the message ee10f98f87 he had 19dfa04852 sent right aae824ee24 after leaving 313e7d66e2 the exam aa7e92b813 hall. Maybe he was busy. Seungjae had other d8ddbadeb2 students he tutored a858de989a besides him. He probably had things 80daae6bad to do as a 2d89180e6e teacher on exam day, 66c6caac7b like going over the 84f4d54f45 questions. It was 7970e23d7e disappointing that b497c2b6b8 Seungjae had 5e6698c5f4 other students b94ff498ed to care c02e224bbd about, but 6150263a31 with the 8a5592e595 long-awaited exam 5ef6442134 finally over, 355c4efe19 he decided be2ef3d1d6 not to 1eebabde0d be impatient.8fd99a7d26913645

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“Don’t think about anything today and just rest.”d82b755c84e9c78c

“Okay.”cd8a512bf63a549a

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After dinner, he 8792989293 returned to his 8723375300 room. The group 14e7d5a99a chat was f2be404697 noisy, a 3ee2b8663b sign that 763a6e7e82 the expected 6b1bf47a93 grade cutoffs 64dbf07bb6 had been 611677dcd3 released.b9e2c9b72c18d689

He had 1f2f565854 worked hard d0fe4d8e7d because of 9dafb9d16e the conditions 99bc1ad867 Seungjae had ebce782657 set, not 70a86134cf because he 4f97feb57b was particularly ad19c61a56 ambitious about 36508ebfc8 his grades. But now that it b5cece0856 was time to check, 0b1c842984 he felt nervous. The desire for a4e39109cf a reward was 5ab74268e8 unavoidable.86e9e3ff1cf7fd65

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He clicked on the 2223406546 grade cutoff image a 97fd3088b2 friend had posted in 5923d10e87 the group chat and d5b252b096 zoomed in. His eyes immediately 2089703b1c searched for English. Beomchan’s eyes widened as da117d3539 he confirmed the cutoff.3f023dfe49c9d957

“Crazy…”3e30b248bbf74e88

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A curse slipped through df89aa65a6 his teeth. His score e89e27b2b7 was precariously a0f81f446f close to 34a05fd233 the first-grade 39dc0a470d cutoff. Even though it 9cd27332f0 was only a cbae55a760 preliminary score, based 39f088096c on past exams, 1218c10d55 there was a beda097b91 high chance the 3de33b227d actual score wouldn’t 2129b262e2 differ much.7989e572dc362230

Pressing his palm 9d60dd1376 against his chest b13ca26bda to calm his 7b505ac196 excitedly pounding heart, 247f927549 he thought—this should b3a8481817 be within the 35fb60a656 acceptable range, even 2627cbd778 with some margin bce8214649 of error.6a068826847308d2

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With a eeeee113a1 fluttering heart, ec89d81e17 Beomchan quickly c9079fac1a clicked on 4c5468c824 the chat 5b8aa8a386 with Seungjae. The 1 4b4bb77de5 notification still 08231f9f76 hadn’t disappeared. He wanted df5d0a7782 to tell 4dee94041e him right 31ab7dae7b away. Beomchan tapped dfeac55f8c the message 3abd1a76cd input box 24b19f8485 and started 76e4f49a9b typing the dc470c94f2 news. But then, he 4b9e5645d0 stopped his busy ca5fbf6c89 fingers and erased ae84cd3cd4 everything he had e857845030 written.3364aba75b66dee2

He immediately made a 96344160b8 call. He wanted a3e3189a16 to tell aa31b91184 him directly c271d5f264 with his f4a6028ee8 voice rather 81cf64ba44 than through cf4979334f text. He was curious db25abd567 about his reaction, 0222baae1a too.462c7c2f579aeb33

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However, what he 87a000a6f8 heard on the 9daaaecb31 other end of ab9cbbb5f0 the line wasn’t 8359720829 the ringing tone 3d833c68a1 or Seungjae’s voice.43d27b6cc2388ecd

“The number you have a1fa625818 dialed is not in 146e48b257 service…”b1729934e12d5be8

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His mind, which had 58e05a87b5 been excitedly racing, suddenly 495a27fb0e went cold.c8961f90e717615a

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And just d8130bde8b like that, 440bf902de he disappeared fea52622ee without a 7e4cfdad98 word, as ce09c647e3 if he 016babb545 had evaporated. Looking back now, 77fc8d9f98 I think Seungjae d41e3bd12f was trying to 7f7bebbe81 draw a line 914e7fcf5e for me in 32861de3a3 his own way. But his method was 7be2fb51f0 the worst.16d7d3dfef307a66

His unilateral avoidance left 64f6d07a0e those who remained to e4286e40ac fester. Instead of accepting reality, bfd8e93866 I clung to unresolved bcf0181d8b feelings. It felt like being bc40f9dfab a dog endlessly waiting 210c849a8b for its owner, who 25815c4f7e had vanished after leaving 0a571f23ad only the command to 1e01428786 wait. If only ff6da4bf5b he had 6736f9c4ed rejected me 99d8dfed3d to my a43d16a462 face. I might 20333b51a2 have been d4663a3dc4 hurt, but e6ef33ba92 at least 60da2128c9 it would ba0f79a402 have given 793a7dfda8 me a 3c1815c168 reason to 5ec4830ef8 get back d7e33efb03 on my b40a7c2790 feet.128fcd0f868cc28a

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― You’re staring a hole through my face.b54621c13da3fc81

He knew 5075f5ce9d all along.e93f1f2b40eba8eb

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Back when we had b164a98463 just started tutoring—when even 6b31af9de5 I hadn’t fully realized bd9759e100 my feelings—Seungjae had already 3b848e6cb6 sensed my emotions. No matter how d41c4b1958 hard I tried 45b354e262 to hide it c7db0d68b2 in front of 020289d9c3 him, it must 8746fcec16 have shown.e820125d568b5235

He was a b41e891cbc coward. He always had the 013942aa11 chance to speak. If he was waiting aaa44e7de5 for me to make 4b0ec9fde2 up my mind, he 3b2b1ef906 shouldn’t have disappeared like bc8f813760 that. I resented him. If he had 3350d20c37 let my feelings afe9f93b79 grow unchecked, he 80ce985ba8 could have at 823d7de16d least listened to 5cd70e60b4 me one last 87f765609e time. Seungjae, who didn’t even 71e2675ccd give me that chance, 4257b493a0 felt so heartless.f569535f0c17f239

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— I’m not that cold-hearted, am I?95d6eb87dafaab5b

Liar.96af0a2d125e3d40

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“Are you still lying around?”ec5001bd5e4a962b

I don’t know when he came in, but Beomjin asked from behind my head.684319fed55c49c7

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“… Joo Seungjae’s number.”57c6a2f33f232c97

“You still haven’t come to your senses, you idiot.”7eb3d9020a86adb4

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I asked 0a127ef2c4 for the 38ffc101c6 number but a4eb60472f got scolded 23ffb2969b instead. As soon f6d2197226 as I ea7eee00d9 found out 50317209bb that Seungjae 14084fd1bd had changed 410ca71196 his number, 8197a80ba3 I braced d98cdb927d myself for 089ef24035 the scolding a4ca1ff10e and asked a6d7d164b2 my brother. Even though they d6c9d8561f weren’t directly acquainted, e048bd0589 if he wanted 948cbdfb26 to, he could 2bae9f8a70 easily find out 88588bb9c9 through connections.132b25c77e86c7e6

But Beomjin 96d93e09bd didn’t grant 05678df001 my request, a40066b67a even after 07c2652fd9 seeing me 346ad4701f like this 4f9c2d8ba6 for two 0683f1c089 months.9969d4e3a6a6f4a3

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“Why would I 7ece8f6fae be crazy enough 6c257277ed to give you 02df6bb314 the number of 9794acdf93 someone who doesn’t 714a43ffb4 want to talk ab3fbc1bac to you? Anyone would think 5b63670c4b you two dated af0bcf116c and then he c5992a353a ghosted you. You do realize that 4005d87d3f what you’re doing is f221e02cbb super creepy from his 6213c1f757 perspective, right? Stop being ridiculous and 50129c333b get up while I’m 2b9c6a7c3f asking nicely. If you’re 0cb510a84d still lying 8dd6b100fa around like b8107048cc this next 036b37719b time I e956c6476b come, you’re ce28e5131c dead.”89c1c22cda3a0a29

“…”b007edbe44e38aff

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Without giving me 3385de107e a chance to a26b5d0fd1 respond, Beomjin slammed 2d3cd0492b the door and 80725a1067 left. Is this 610bfc9916 what it 064425d2fc feels like 8a5799e7e5 to be 182e61ba34 verbally beaten? The reality e591fcf9cd I didn’t 8a1049c635 want to ef283bcd07 accept hit caaebe15cf my ears af6de48b96 without any baf23c47e5 cushion. But he was still 907be42b72 my brother. I felt so eec922fd96 upset that tears ec4974bf4d welled up.0f4d2d8e37090c60

Sniff. I pulled the blanket d5cd602b5b I was wrapped in 12d27bea9b over my head. Creepy, he said. In that darkness, I 5e5835f560 mulled over the words adeb909b41 I had just heard e619ed1dda for a long time.4709045d796d1d41

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In the 41f90efc3c end, Beomjin’s 0c5421cd93 words had 937536a2de some effect. In my upset and 2686eebf26 childish mind, I had 82bd717124 thought of myself as cc02089e2f the sole victim. But I d031580914 realized that 1b4f349c29 it was 1dd1683f8a Seungjae who ff79c8f6d0 had suddenly 72b7ef22ad been thrown 5a33087eb0 into an 3a5759ee33 uncomfortable situation. I wanted 59a716f1bc to apologize, 2b45470371 but I f1e3ffa405 knew that f20b480893 even reaching e60c328d32 out would fbc33b5198 be a 03c0d8234b burden.77453190756da66e

However, even with ca47406128 this realization, I a2d2ed6149 couldn’t let go 4c9c0454e6 of my lingering 68a4565ba0 feelings. Even in college, 3d5c68f7a2 I stubbornly avoided 82feb45eef dating like everyone d3cabc96d1 else. Until then, I think dabdc1d263 I still held onto 7da40d391a some faint hope—that maybe f4e04b5380 we could meet again 60032e1556 someday.43139b1849bad9ef

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It was only after afae99d254 graduation that the vague b71c310c16 expectation started to fade 6b5a2411f7 and shatter.c012bcf3c43c6cd6

When I left 4249cc8530 the university—the one 487cad4a58 I had entered 7c0cb89494 with my teacher’s 6108c73907 help—I felt like bcc8485f1e the thin thread 89bc476512 of connection I 1b4344ad10 had barely held a838e0ee60 onto had finally d3e4ce987d snapped. Looking back now, e3c07d8b1a I don’t know b58c4b93b3 why it felt df98e3bd81 so sad, but c967edd40b back then, it ed0baac736 did.1ac71a21b6651088

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It wasn’t the kind 76e3b3d59b of outward sadness that 950e6fd45d showed when Seungjae first ac6b277176 disappeared. It was a quiet 6520725824 melancholy, an emptiness with 783d4b7104 no clear reason—like a a8bd43a5bb huge hole inside me. It felt like something b46df03278 had been there, but b1a9cce04d realizing that I had b2dcb1ccc8 never even held it bb82665eb9 in my hands, I 070e28caef floundered again in endless 635167e6a4 emptiness. The desire 32acbcf422 to hold 9efa34d76a on and 53eb8e2615 the need 7c598ab6c8 to let 1ca997a94c go clashed 9226011c57 countless times.604b6d8dacbc2c70

‘Pathetic bastard.’1ffa5fde47a86417

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Beomjin’s words, 64b1094d2a once said cf83f4bb33 to me, 46845bb800 played repeatedly a70511473a in my feb1dbac70 ears like 2f68308880 a broken 80d3d645e3 tape. Even years after bd3ed1b172 Seungjae disappeared, I c43d972348 couldn’t completely move dcd21a3a10 on. It got to the a3ae253e08 point where I found 94a4dad125 myself pathetic, and I a7659bf648 let out a bitter 4dda2b24a5 laugh.6be2a9fe122b5aca

It took 6bd8d8cac7 a long d70f74194f time to e006b18536 accept reality, d08817cf5d but after c29ac3c79e that, it bb642e4658 was easier 5516e750d1 than I 20c7e92398 had expected. I gradually aec4cc31d9 buried Seungjae. Although I couldn’t stop bde6ce2ce2 thinking about him occasionally, b9a4dddc0e I no longer cried 800c498410 because of him.116771756d780426

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However, I couldn’t f2ca6de2fb bring myself to a672e095f1 date. I seemed fine 478e5fd621 on the outside, 3621df837f but I couldn’t f8f0fcc05b even have a 9187c65920 relationship like everyone 44fbf08e25 else. My friends, c00658d9ee unable to fa2d86e2bd stand it, 5f606735ce sometimes set c81856aa20 me up 72aa318a0c on blind fb4f165a19 dates under 8f4aaacb37 the guise 99800880cb of a 5d67ed7f3c casual gathering. It was uncomfortable, but 724c191882 out of courtesy, I fe44a9048f would have a meal 1d9200ced6 and go to a 9f6428ebae café before parting ways. They all seemed 620b978449 like good people, 0318ec6d60 but I didn’t 7763b22f5b feel anything significant. I just wanted to f1a7e488c8 go home quickly.c9cf413bfa9dc72a

For me, 5a30035055 the standard ca0c9a12f1 of liking deeb557c4f someone was 86db3c8489 already Seungjae. It wasn’t 1a09292ae6 something I 7d931790cd could change 92a01120e4 just because f6d1eb835b I wanted eb8ade9509 to. Just as 7d463c1632 a child’s 4ff1b96199 environment greatly 3fac5439f9 influences their 1621dbe01a personality as d8d75841e1 they grow, 33be74442a at the 51095616ea end of 5f2832aacd my adolescence, 3ca2005a5d there was b3c1ea70fc Seungjae. And even if 3279aca8f1 it was a 360023d48f one-sided crush, I 6d35f41a09 loved him—with tears ea3d489911 and heartache. Because of 7bdee91126 that, Seungjae 9ef43897ec became my b00862d6ce standard.fe974fd6af0caef2

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Still, I thought maybe 9556c92824 one day, I could f085ca1043 meet someone I liked be78c7a635 just as much. After I b0c164e82f stopped crying b098488352 over Seungjae, bc8995851c I honestly 903bede487 believed that.8c340624c5f2b6b4

I was that edeca91b90 desperate.70784dadf26aaf13

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And then, Seungjae appeared b7458a1941 in front of me 5070ab3593 again. The moment I saw 9e6e627579 him, I realized—everything I cf05c39a44 had done to forget 94ecddb2e1 him had been in d602ebbe03 vain. Could I 1a6f6d40c8 meet someone 62f17ee506 I liked 465f89fbc3 as much 4da7164eb6 as Seungjae? It was 0ce2988b62 nothing but 7848e03b36 a delusion. Arrogance. I had buried f850e6b347 those feelings just baa88fcdbc to live normally, fce298b7d4 not erased them. As if they 2c5d7ef164 had never been 9fe2606bbd quiet, his mere 4aba0e5c32 presence shook me e2f6bf847c all over again.ccd501d999074694

The emotions 2fc118cd0a I had 9cea7eb68b buried and ef532b81b9 ignored had 51675fc0d7 rotted in 77e7333a63 the meantime. They were never pretty caec026fc1 to begin with, but 7f75d0235f now they were even 85e130ef9a uglier—festering and disgusting.2206ba079f4eb521

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Unable to bear 0d1fb7d532 it alone, I 422e0fb3f1 finally confessed to b5fa636589 him what I 288c691b15 had been thinking c589ae1182 all this time. I thought he would b6d9fead2e despise me. But instead, 979ce8eb1d Seungjae worried 6b79f637fc about me. He asked e1857ab3df if I d3bfc0e89d was okay f81c2811a5 with that.68c644e82a78caf7

Those words a5edf83eea brought an 51c725d79c unbearable wave 78e1d579fe of self-loathing.7fa39c42534e3ef9

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I received 03ce7d7174 porridge that 9a796632ff had been cfd199010b softened and 2ccfa733a5 mashed to cf2c8f29f2 be easy 03b96b52c7 to digest. Even after b049eec1df finishing just 7a11a9e8aa one bowl, e07da82cd6 I sat 44846f90c6 there blankly. As the food traveled 4a02b2f450 down my esophagus, it bedf676c9f felt stuck at a a91f3b62db certain point. In the 1a028c47fd end, I 5c97c950c1 ran to ad50e83e96 the bathroom ece877cb06 and threw 67a1514618 it all 26bb6d3a80 up.35854a54579994d1

My insides were still 3671317395 too narrow and dark 6ce38eb7dc to digest the kindness 3122c13d77 he offered with good 3eeb443d67 intentions.2a01c5feeca4f570

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