BC | Chapter 4

With an average sleep time of less than four hours a day, Jeong Beom-woo was a resident undergoing intense training to become a cardiothoracic surgeon at that time.

     “What year was he in back then? Was it his second year or third year?”

Yoo-eun was twenty-three years old at the time she applied for the sub-internship using her summer vacation.

“Was Professor Jeong Beom-woo twenty-seven or twenty-eight at that time?”

Although it was Yoo-eun’s first love, it had happened six years ago. Plus, the time they spent together was less than a month, so the information Yoo-eun had was not very deep.

However, Beom-woo was the first man she had ever liked in her life. His slender double eyelids framed long eyes with sharply sparkling black irises, and his prominent, straight nose gave him a strong impression.

On top of that, the combination of his pale face, which suited the dark green surgical gown perfectly, and his blood-red lips made the saying, “A masterpiece comes to life in the cardiothoracic department,” feel utterly real.

“This patient is currently on dialysis through a graft. Before the professor’s rounds, we need to start EKG monitoring.”

Even amidst his exhaustion, he meticulously taught the students participating in the sub-internship. Armed with a cool kindness, he did not allow any room for romantic feelings to intrude.

Despite his seemingly strong and unbreakable demeanor, there was a moment when he broke down. After finishing Yoo-eun’s day at the hospital, she spotted Beom-woo standing blankly under a large tree in the garden behind the building.

Up until that moment, she had never spoken to Beom-woo one-on-one.

“Teacher.”

At her cautious call, Beom-woo slowly turned to look at her.

“Oh, are you heading home now?”

Up close, she noticed the corners of his eyes were flushed red. His eyes were slightly swollen, with a faint transparency to them.

“Yes, I’m about to head home. Aren’t you going to have dinner, Teacher?”

Since he often split his meal times to make use of every moment, seeing him standing there absentmindedly during dinner time felt a bit odd. He also appeared vulnerable.

“I don’t have an appetite.”

“If you can’t sleep properly, you should at least take care of your meals.”

     “As a sub-intern, it was audacious for me to give a lecture to a resident. His red lips made a sound as if letting out a sigh. It was hard to tell if he was smiling or scoffing.”

“At least take this.”

She went a step further and placed an energy bar from her eco bag into his hand. The packaging had a message that read, “It’s okay. Everything will be fine,” accompanied by a red heart.

It wasn’t even a confession of a shy, youthful crush, but the small red heart made her feel like her heart was shrinking. As he took the energy bar, he gently traced the small red heart with his right thumb. Because of that, Yoo-eun secretly harbored a little selfish desire, felt a bit guilty.

“I’m planning to apply to the cardiothoracic department here later.”

She spoke somewhat impulsively. She opened her eyes wide, as if to insist that her kindness towards him or any intention to pry into his personal life was absolutely not rooted in rational feelings. The year she turned twenty-one, her mother underwent surgery to have an artificial blood vessel inserted into her heart. Since then, she had been drawn to the field of cardiothoracic surgery.

Beom-woo gazed at Yoo-eun with his dark, deep-set eyes. In the early evening of midsummer, sweat trickled down her temple as she stood under the shade of the large tree. Her bangs felt damp, and just as she began to worry about how that might make her look a little unappealing, she caught herself in that moment.

“One patient passed away today.”

Yoo-eun immediately understood that his words didn’t mean the patient had been discharged.

“Ah…”

She was still a student who couldn’t fully understand the emotions tied to a patient’s death. She wasn’t in a position to offer any comforting words or advice.

With her hands respectfully clasped, Yoo-eun bowed her head and muttered.

“I pray for the soul of the deceased.”

She awkwardly lifted her head and shyly looked up at him. He gazed down at her with slightly dazed eyes. One second, two seconds, three seconds… In the uncomfortable silence, the sound of cicadas filled the air.

“Yeah, cicadas. I’m glad you’re here to cry instead of me. I want to cry right now. No, I just want to run away.”

Yoo-eun clenched her hands tightly at her sides. She planned to say her goodbyes and then make a quick escape.

But then, his lips made that sighing sound again. The low rumble of his laughter gradually grew, and before she knew it, he was laughing so hard that he doubled over, holding his stomach.

“Hahaha.” As she heard his refreshing laughter, She felt torn between whether she should laugh along or remain silent.

She could only gaze up at his handsome face as if in a trance. He even wiped away a tear with the back of his hand. But for someone laughing through tears, it seemed like there were a bit too many. It felt as if the weight of the emotions he had bottled up inside him was being conveyed to her.

A lighthearted humor cloaked a heavy sense of helplessness.

It seemed as if the feeling of helplessness from not being able to save a life overwhelmed him. He appeared to be using her innocence as an excuse to regain his composure.

“Go inside. Before I make you work.”

He spoke with a sigh, hanging onto his laughter. His expression looked much more relaxed than before, and Yoo-eun couldn’t help but smile in relief. Standing in front of the cardiothoracic resident, her heart raced as if it might burst.

“Um, if I collapse here, will you give me CPR, Teacher?”

Just as she stepped back, thinking that he might hear the rapid beating of her heart, her heel caught on the garden stone, causing her to tilt backward.

In an instant, he reached out and grabbed Yoo-eun’s forearm tightly. His hand was cold enough to send shivers down her spine, contrasting sharply with her warm skin.

“Be careful. There are a lot of broken stones here.”

“…Why?”

Embarrassed, she dumbly asked about the broken stones. His hand, which had wrapped around her slender forearm, withdrew. The area felt numb, as if a blue flame was flickering only there.

“How am I supposed to know something like that?”

He frowned in disbelief, then lightly flicked his middle finger against her forehead.

“Ouch!”

     It didn’t hurt much, but tears welled up in my eyes. I just wanted to cry, laugh, run away, and talk more. She found herself caught in a whirlwind of mixed emotions.

“Just go already, student.”

He glanced at her as if she were just a neighborhood kid he happened to encounter. As he turned to check his phone, perhaps in response to a call from the professor, she stayed behind in the summer hospital garden, watching his figure grow smaller and smaller until it was just a dot in the distance.

As Christmas Eve arrived, it felt as if the sweltering heat of that day had returned to the hospital auditorium, leaving her breathless. She pressed one hand against her racing heart, struggling to catch her breath.

Unfortunately, her unfulfilled first love was intertwined with wounds that would never fully heal. She thought the bleeding had stopped, but the gaping wound reopened like a beast, ready to swallow her whole.

Just a moment ago, Yoo-eun had seen Beom-woo, who was likely just out of surgery, wearing a white coat over his dark green scrubs. There were droplets of dried blood that had fallen onto his white slippers, forming round spots. Cold sweat trickled down her back.

It had been fine for a while.

Nausea washed over her, and dizziness began to set in. The exhibition hall was adorned with images draped in red ribbons all around. It felt as though the air was thick with the scent of fresh blood. She quickly covered her mouth and nose with both hands.

She had thought she was much better and willingly participated in the exhibition at the hospital…

The horrific memories of that terrible day came crashing down on her all at once. She covered her mouth and rushed out of the auditorium.

“Yoo-eun noona!”

She heard Jun-young calling her from behind, but she couldn’t even turn around. Rushing into the restroom, she clutched the toilet bowl, gagging but unable to throw up anything, as she hadn’t eaten anything in her nervousness before the performance.

“Are you okay, noona?”

Jun-young’s worried voice called from the entrance of the women’s restroom. A displeased voice from the next stall followed.

Yoo-eun quickly flushed the toilet, washed her hands, and stepped out of the restroom.

“Did you throw up? Your face is pale,” Jun-young said, looking concerned.

Jun-young gently patted Yoo-eun’s lower back and said,

“It’s okay. You were just feeling a bit unwell.”

“You haven’t eaten anything today, have you? Let’s get some porridge. There should be a porridge place nearby. We can get some medicine, too. Or would you rather go to the emergency room for an IV?”

As Yoo-eun weakly waved her hand at Jun-young, She suddenly locked eyes with Beom-woo, who was walking toward them from a distance.

Footnotes:

1. Artificial blood vessel.
2. Electrocardiogram.
3. Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation.