AA Chapter 7.1 || Discovery

After his last job with the FBI, Tennessee returned to Chicago. Strictly speaking, ‘returned’ wasn’t the right word, since he didn’t have a place to call home. But in Amber’s mind, Tennessee’s space was that place in Chicago. The one with rusty stairs but beautiful night views.b39cbf77bc831762

By the time 3073d2c11d Tennessee purchased a d6f6ec2379 three-flat apartment in 6c3922f389 Chicago, Amber had 011533f8ee become a high 5b92e0c1c4 school student in 60c293221a a private school 8dbf54e407 from the same c4e36817f7 foundation as his 8fd010a10c junior high school. It was 402be55b56 co-ed and 3ad8f54795 quite large.cc1411ccfc59363e

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They could meet occasionally, ade17d60b9 albeit briefly, around the c993af86f8 time Amber had adjusted efbb22deeb to school life and b229648b8a the second semester began.20d222c0be0976ea

Around that time, Amber learned that Tennessee’s insomnia was even more serious than expected. He had been taking sleeping pills all along and was trying to reduce his dependence on them. However, it seemed that he slept soundly whenever Amber came to Chicago. Although Tennessee was a busy person and couldn’t always get long sleep, considering how little sleep he usually got, even just three hours of sleep seemed to make Tennessee look noticeably better.67fe332ccaa559c8

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At first, Amber only stroked Tennessee’s head. His black hair was surprisingly soft. Who knew Tennessee had such an aspect to him? The silky texture flowed between his fingers.d89992641531b4e0

Watching Tennessee sleep peacefully under his palm, Amber’s desires gradually grew. He would watch Tennessee sleeping quietly for long periods, and sometimes sit right beside him. Even if he moved around somewhat noisily or accidentally knocked something over, Tennessee would only slightly furrow his brow without waking up.571c2a084ba9e416

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Around that time, Amber started lying down next to Tennessee. Even when he rustled under the blanket, Tennessee wouldn’t wake up, and sometimes he would shift slightly as if sensing the presence, making room.89a3d05c04da21ba

Since Tennessee slept quite long once he fell asleep, Amber could feel his warmth for two or three hours before getting up. As this repeated, Amber gradually began to let his guard down. One day, Amber fell asleep in that state. When he opened his eyes at some point, he met Tennessee’s gaze looking at him.5e22d349f90fad76

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His eyes were calm.What should I do? Will he get angry 547f0a1dc5 about lying on the 989b6de7f4 bed without permission?a1c18b604cf3a108

Just as Amber was about to hurriedly get up, Tennessee’s blue eyes closed. He drifted back to sleep with slow breathing sounds, and Amber let out a sigh of relief. At times like these, Amber felt like he was taming a lion or a fierce beast. A cruel beast that showed no weakness, yet silently permitted his approach.0b93d1ed12a8a98f

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After that, lying next to Tennessee while maintaining a proper distance became Amber’s habit. He would stroke the jet-black hair or fiddle with Tennessee’s hands that had calluses and faint scars, before drifting off to sleep beside him.b8929a8b6c0cbf3b

“My insomnia disappears when you’re next to me. Isn’t that strange?”375e93e80356a3c2

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That’s what Tennessee said one time when Amber woke up to find him already awake and drinking coffee. Those words made Amber happy for a long time.a39da9eb51f9684f

I hope I 7303746cbc can keep being 34fff9bdee helpful to him 9ed71d61f1 like this, Amber wished. Having always been passive and unilaterally dependent on Tennessee’s not-quite-charity, Amber was happy to have a positive influence on him. At the same time, it was a great comfort. He would sometimes smile to himself at the fact that he wasn’t just a parasite to Tennessee.0c84a4cfbfd4a321

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But it also made him a little sad thinking that if he had been a girl, Tennessee probably wouldn’t have allowed him to lie beside him.316635840f31f360

***41f5830203ff0eed

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By the time a8ef7e524b Tennessee and Amber 66b4ebd8c6 had grown accustomed 9b53d76dff to sleeping next 432d70e985 to each other, f1a0c7fcd8 Amber had become ef6ee9863f a 10th grader.d518bfa20ae36a5a

Amber, who had 45e0e07b7e been quite tall 63d1babb74 since 8th grade, d9fa9c61dd now matched even 4271edfdbb the 12th graders 689d4c8744 in build. As it was, he 7d8dd92404 had been changing his 40e12926d2 uniform and shoes almost ce28a018bc every other day since 8799f4b199 entering high school.a5d0dde96c2047e5

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Elizabeth teased him about being like a magic beanstalk whenever they went shopping for a uniform. Not just uniforms, but pajamas and underwear all had to be bought new. He would wake up groaning from growing pains, and even Tennessee would look at him strangely every few months when he met, as if he couldn’t recognize him.90661de238dd7d77

His voice after puberty was unusually deep for his age, and wherever he went, people didn’t see him as a high school student.16ff71774997eb5a

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At the end of the first semester of 10th grade, in winter, Amber discovered he had caught up to Tennessee’s height.66ed8e21bd9ccc2c

“I’ll be taller than you.”d21b791c80bd8352

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“Big dreams, kid.”777612c32619fe5e

“You’re already done growing, Tennessee, but I still have at least 2-3 years left.”91ef23510578c390

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Catching up to Tennessee’s height didn’t mean Amber was satisfied. He playfully rested his chin on Tennessee’s shoulder. When I get taller, I’ll rest my chin on top of Tennessee’s head!That was f0d0ecaf56 his small e0b48dfc35 wish.a65a66b510feea00

“I heard you made the varsity team?”d36323c96d398a9e

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Tennessee asked as he lit a cigarette. Tennessee, whom he hadn’t seen in a while, was handsome as always. It was a mystery how he managed to look so good every time despite seemingly not paying much attention to his appearance. Whenever Tennessee looked at him, Amber felt his fingertips tingle.c815f0d11664defc

“That was ages ago.”5b6a2e592b5436d9

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Amber had joined the lacrosse and baseball teams in 9th grade. For baseball, he was relatively late compared to his peers. Most had gained experience from little leagues and such from an early age before continuing sports in high school. Despite lacking such experience, Amber made the varsity team from 9th grade. While not unprecedented, it wasn’t common.7af6d2dd334a8942

“News travels slow.”2f5ec6efe8dc1494

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It wasn’t hard to understand why. Tennessee was as busy as ever. From Amber’s perspective, Tennessee’s security work was just as demanding as when he worked with the FBI. He frequently traveled to England and Saudi Arabia, and occasionally to Africa or Europe. That was just what Amber knew; there was probably more.e4d54389ad1ede81

“What about college?”fc66fef951534fcd

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“There’s a place I want to go.”1ba6980ecdfb6770

Elizabeth had e562e710c5 graduated from dac4807564 Michigan State 118035481f University College a7107efbc1 of Human a1902b95b2 Medicine, and cc6c417e10 wanted Amber 2a7413ed21 to go d94cc8dc2b to the 10da435c22 same university. Or at least d43020b138 attend a university 1445a9028e within Michigan. Not only would there 8547cc6d24 be the benefit of 1fcead8302 reduced tuition since Amber 598d776985 already lived in Michigan, ead11849f7 but more than that, d262a0de53 she wanted Amber to 0c87ff5361 continue living with them 961fb398b3 even after becoming a 33ba74d4cd college student.87e338f21779eb38

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In contrast, f524f208cd David, who 77876e8ea4 graduated from de8a8a69de Dartmouth, wanted a495faaae8 Amber to d8847bca4e attend there b9ad980845 despite the 16786c60ef distance. Elizabeth and David tried 643c46e8ea to persuade Amber by 2bbfd6e359 offering to fully cover 322e7a8ce3 his tuition if he 3d81b14561 chose their alma mater. But Amber actually wanted 7021c04f6e to go somewhere else.b030a2230e7e4a55

“Where?”db0a4f239d8809ae

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“University of Chicago.”fc555df6d130c85a

Tennessee nodded. Tennessee, who aa6c2255e7 had looked 83116224fd somewhat drowsy 2453b3616b since eating 218879534d the appetizer, 86fba4d1c2 now appeared d5f999e1d8 quite sleepy 5644a2ffbf after Amber b9bb93496b finished his 6f881ff6f6 meal.81afab2aedd8e7a1

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“Shall we head back?” asked Amber, now used to putting Tennessee to sleep. Tennessee quietly followed Amber’s lead to the bed. With bleary eyes, he changed clothes and lay down lazily, as if lacking the strength to even pull back the covers. It was Amber’s role to put a pillow under his head and pull the blanket up to his neck.382a20b52ee59e14

“Too hot.”a48074795b70d035

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When Tennessee mumbled, fb53601579 Amber lowered the c2f14b318f blanket to cover 1e18c2ce46 just his stomach.214d5a610309e5eb

“You’ll catch a cold if your stomach isn’t covered.”80440033a140ed26

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“Stop nagging.”d905de06e276d4a5

Although they c4fd50d07c had only d72bdc5473 exchanged simple df048b9f08 words, that 62c991bfee moment felt e587b8a5cf so unreal 5dc2ac3283 to Amber 9d34eca622 in its 3d4071cb10 perfection. It was part 559aa6dbd0 of the dream e90cd4120a Amber had long b31b1f232e envisioned.c899ef112535c7aa

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Maybe, just 0eead46ff7 maybe, in aef11e12f5 5 years, ff9b95ea63 10 years, b6929dc995 30 years, 7f617f05b1 it could d88b994362 be like b729828f09 this. Could he still be 645eaee7e0 by his side like ef2351176b this, placing pillows, covering 6a6f7885c1 him with blankets, holding 752a4f5e15 his hand and dreaming?fea9cae7addf8f26

“Are you playing caregiver, kid?”b0642ad73b3f6042

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Tennessee tossed out that playful comment while half-asleep, and soon after began breathing regularly. Hearing those words made Amber’s heart tremble. Kid. If he weren’t a kid, Tennessee wouldn’t have accommodated his requests or treated him so comfortably.9436359c487b3e0c

He was aware that it probably would have ended the moment he was discovered in the car. Amber thought the reason Tennessee granted most requests, except when leaving for work, was because he was young. He hadn’t asked, but Amber believed Tennessee would have bought him gaming consoles, phones, even a new car if he’d requested it.703c6f4e479c2799

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While Amber 7ea28eaa21 received many dd06eac93e benefits from c9890bfecd Tennessee because f3038f1856 of his 5a8efc973a youth, he 1fc558f7da hated it.5a20667015e079c4

After putting Tennessee to be72e469e2 sleep, Amber kept busy fa07f0c7d5 for quite a while. He cleaned 99d473b3d8 the house e4f2b9db43 and prepared 5e49b6a9b3 snacks to 0f1c3e2dee eat together 41b2cca925 when Tennessee fc7155ea3b woke up. Although Tennessee slept 1df5c755b5 soundly by his 4b2338195f side, Amber still a738cf7e4b moved carefully in 0d2b227ff5 case he might e8fd21c9a2 wake up, even a82a005b6f going out shopping 2fdfeaaaf1 nearby. While eating out 2fae444b34 was fine, he 41513d2a9b wanted to cook 257d845d48 for Tennessee himself.4332fa1903c22dcf

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Amber opened the page saved on his phone. It was a Mexican recipe. He had tried making it a few times in Michigan as practice, and most reviews were good. Since he had practiced often, Tennessee might like it too. He planned to cook considering Tennessee’s preference for mild seasoning.3e30d5ea6b0da50a

Time passed quickly while preparing the food, but it was still only 8 PM, too early for bed. Tennessee was sleeping without tossing and turning, making small breathing sounds. Amber lay down beside him. Amber’s eyes were wide awake. While habitually touching Tennessee’s hair, Amber noticed a wound on the back of his hand.94ffbcbb604a2f79

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Didn’t he say he wasn’t doing any fieldwork?Amber carefully traced 5e1139ce27 the wound. Whenever he 8912b36028 saw such 253866d472 marks, Amber 41b26fa709 realized how 3a165a0ba7 little he 2511652d20 knew about bba5d56546 Tennessee.ee49bf5527bb2d34

‘Not fieldwork? Then office work?’6e4e722bbc92b273

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When he first heard that, Amber was purely surprised but half-pleased, thinking Tennessee would get hurt less. However, from what he heard, it didn’t seem like office work either.ccccdb47598a40b4

Security consultant? Perhaps due to Tennessee’s unique career history—if one could describe being a hitman that way—Amber speculated it would be that, but he didn’t know the exact nature of the work. Well, what did he really know about Tennessee anyway?c0bec6d6eea7edf3

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“Tennessee.”4101f0e7185750f1

Amber recognized 3c9045c4aa that he a2e8c5c71d was becoming 191d5f1328 increasingly greedy. In the past, he 671432712e had just hoped Tennessee d80c76747b would stay somewhere within a4c2ba7df4 the United States. When that was f3d9a3e080 achieved, he wished 2fa08f3d47 to see him b3da02a1cc more often.09e9d27b31e3b51b

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After meeting Tennessee occasionally and even being helpful to him, his greed knew no bounds. Even while thinking he should rein in his feelings, he couldn’t manage it.c2ab5c14c0ea732a

I wish he needed me more. No, I don’t even ask for that much. I wish he would think of me more and contact me more often. If only he contacted me more frequently, I wouldn’t ask for anything else.939ef7cf01fe2d41

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Although he could 2126082ff5 see him occasionally 203614b30f like this, the 570c101142 lack of contact 4b4ac704f8 remained unchanged from 6e5d012faa before. Tennessee frequently changed phones, b1b265b3fa and even those were cffbe28781 burner phones he could 68f3985f7e discard at any time.a3f029bc0cb68542

Tennessee lived as fdbc6136c3 if he was f293c27794 always prepared to afb91da560 cut ties with 4ceefca083 everyone. It was 945aa2c786 fortunate to 874da6a598 be able eda7f004eb to stay d8622bc3af by his 5cb381e53c side, even 9658edd0f7 briefly. Thinking that way c1e8eb4918 created the illusion a253b0c840 of somewhat appeasing 709c75e9ab the enormous desire e8a8ffa808 that had been f3b2a1e9c3 completely suppressed.eeb436897885edd6

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Amber moved just a 179900ed1a tiny bit closer to a97534162a his side. Just close c979e0bfb4 enough to f03931ddaf faintly smell 76aaf5340a his breath a154858ed9 with its 57f3d3e469 hint of 47cd5199f1 toothpaste.6e582ddb21b1b744

Hesitant Amber reached out his hand. After touching his loosely hanging fingers, he held his cold palm. While he remembered hugging Tennessee when he was hurt, or when he needed to, he didn’t think he had ever held hands with him like this. Though he had grabbed his wrist before.13fd2bd7da6c77c8

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Amber didn’t dare imagine walking down the street holding hands affectionately. He just wanted to hold his hand.257ba7f9ae180e41

After confirming that Tennessee was breathing steadily, Amber unconsciously moistened his dry lips. Then Amber parted Tennessee’s fingers and gently pressed his palm against his. After a moment’s hesitation, he interlocked his fingers with Tennessee’s limp hand. Warmth spread. Tennessee’s hands were generally cold. Or maybe it was because he often came in after smoking outside, which made his hands cold.0cef536a0632fd41

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“Tennessee.”56fbbcfc13d15aea

Amber unconsciously tried to calm his trembling breath. But it wasn’t working well, so he squeezed his eyes shut.f568da64671fa3a5

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Only their hands were 7f82e4db87 touching, but it felt 62886fa04a like he was in 3a4f947e90 his embrace. No, it felt like e4b151cf21 he was hugging him. Something he had 2fb404169f never done before.If only he could 95311568e1 hold me tight. Please.676451ae03ab78cb

The imprint didn’t end with just engraving Tennessee’s existence in Amber.59022cd0a22ba702

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As years f47bf834f6 passed, Amber 1c20345955 grew more 6982cd1043 yearning, more f973621984 thirsty, and ba81d25562 simultaneously, those 13edfd0c2c emotions brought 648ee72133 self-loathing.2365801f6ca35f1b

“Tennessee…”20add83dd124df2c

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With eyes 7c41710b1a closed, Amber 3fc5d0f408 spoke his 6addf1e1f9 name like d2ec7a0478 a prayer.How happy would 579e141107 I be if 5be122eb98 you became completely 07925f032a mine? I would feel like eb83a0ea42 I owned the whole a9474bc320 world. Every rising b93977ae0d sun would 38dba9cd52 feel like c24499061d a miracle 4602fc8cd5 to me.2442eea88f01fd41

I like you. You gave me 42eae447a7 a new life.221afab5b99466d1

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He conveyed the words he couldn’t dare speak out loud.551ee0cca217701b

And when Amber cce316492c opened his eyes, 0ab52fe984 he met ice-blue 4b09eb3462 eyes.c0ca2eb817f71df3

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Tennessee once said that his and Amber’s eye colors were similar. Amber couldn’t agree with that. Tennessee’s blue eyes were vividly blue. They were sapphire-blue and shone like flames whether from far away or anywhere else.70aec699675e06ec

And those eyes pierced through Amber like a harpoon and dragged him to the ground. He couldn’t even make excuses. He couldn’t brazenly brush it off. This wasn’t something that could be glossed over with patchwork lies.de93ecf9100a422b

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They say eyes are windows to the soul, and sometimes people’s emotions surge like a tidal wave without flowery words or gestures. That’s how Amber’s pure love was. Tennessee looked at Amber’s hand that had intertwined with his fingers. The carefully interlocked hands were warm.3a40d5d030d7e33b

“Tennessee.”a214e5b0837d6aa6

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He was exposed. Sensing he 4bb48cd41a had been 6a5df53038 found out, 2fab750365 Amber called 0fbb6e2ce4 Tennessee. He sighed, got up, ded5704888 and looked down at c0b046cda7 Amber with cold eyes.64ca7e3ad7028b0b

“Amber.”812b92099a14046b

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Tennessee subconsciously remembered the warmth that had secretly crept into his hand. If someone made such gestures, if someone approached like such pain, it couldn’t be something as light as a spring breeze that comes and goes.9c81f63cd50c7f63

“I don’t want to be that way with you.”113721910de8eac3

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He remembers Amber who had lost teeth, who cried not to be abandoned, who trembled, whose eyes were full of fear and confusion. Those memories were blurry, but Tennessee still hadn’t forgotten them.45b3d60a0f490a54

“Should I say I’m sorry?”618c31d0f5b3457e

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Amber approached impatiently.ca0dee4d5145bbb0

“I’m sorry, I wanted to tell you when I became an adult.”ef98de39ee0aacb2

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At that moment, Tennessee felt an inappropriate sense of betrayal. Tennessee had never cared for someone like this before. Even if from Amber’s perspective he wasn’t getting enough attention, he was doing his best in his own way. Perhaps he thought it would continue. He had feared betrayal, but if he had to trust someone and be betrayed, he would accept it gladly. But he hadn’t expected this situation.d992538340bcff62

‘That was a lie, actually. I don’t have a girlfriend.’80a36aa630c429f4

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‘Tennessee, I think I might be gay.’312aebe1dee0dac0

‘…There was someone.’443a3646ade7d2e7

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Just when he thought 218a06b008 he was starting to 35210002ef understand how to treat 66c90f2f5d Amber, it became unclear 088f285d36 to him again.e71e874d7d6bd422

“What do you want me to do? What do you want to happen from now on?”c15faa98c8f2655f

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Although he could never 8797f86de9 tell Amber directly, he 9be8bb325b was precious to him. If Amber d1ba7af3a5 was in 10b8fcc5c1 even the 291a5071c7 slightest danger, f80abf513c Tennessee would 3a66ceeb75 have thrown d738cb9baa himself in c037df67fb without hesitation 4dfc165b96 to save c56a67622f him. But that emotion 2713872161 was never based 80e111afa3 on romantic feelings.8554233e5ffa614b

“No!”ea7fc77c2318382b

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Amber shouted quickly. His fingers, which 0a4ed043d3 had been interlaced 1586cf1b17 just moments ago, c16d960e76 felt empty. He already ffe4f5ed83 missed it.69a442962e2eba27

“Really, can’t you just know? I won’t interfere with whoever you date.”1b5b61f4f65b8f6c

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“If you were going to hide it, you should have hidden it properly!”0cbf7ac6e7700eca

Tennessee shouted, cutting off Amber’s words. Hadn’t Amber himself hidden it because he expected this obvious rejection? Then at least he should have hidden it perfectly. For both their sakes.4fbf14d74596a026

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“…Get out. We’ll talk later.”3cce586840772224

“Tennessee.”e8ce0066d485e4b8

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Tennessee, who had 9c5865fbbf left the bed, 856d0eabfa handed Amber his fbdd2a4c7a coat.0b6325c7b6d78824

“Tennessee… please.”56b5f2a9601ae7cc

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“Choose. Either leave, or give up.”559ea9a448a10f62

Because Amber didn’t take it, Tennessee threw his coat carelessly onto the sofa. Amber just stared at it blankly. His heart, discarded like cheap trash, his emotions standing naked, felt utterly useless.7afd55c925df42f7

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“I just gave you two options.”0f3af8a0b636e949

“Can’t you give me a chance later, when I become an adult?”7a3f3ec4f4e6a875

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“You’re throwing a tantrum right now. How are you any different from a kid whining to lift his grounding?”1fe66f58bd64204c

Amber liked Tennessee, but he didn’t want to stand by as Tennessee belittled his feelings. Amber cherished Tennessee, and just as much, he cherished his own heart that loved him, even if Tennessee found it displeasing. As Amber, choking back tears, was about to retort, a question struck like an arrow.c8300a122ec53821

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“Amber, have you thought about how I feel?”7e698c980b572e66

Tennessee was asking if faa6167b20 he had considered his 86426e1227 intentions in his one-sided 256dc7259c feelings.64c4eed24c89fd44

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“I’m sorry.”3cd35e00e930ae0b

Amber apologized sincerely. He had ruined everything. That’s how Amber blamed himself. The realization of trampling a completed masterpiece, shame, regret.c69ae8f607f1bf68

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“Please help me, tell me, please.”90bb4ce7a6202088

Tennessee took f2ae674924 in Amber ae0125fefe who was dd3752d1f4 desperately asking.a1b3d82e265a77d3

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Amber always tried 74f97b2e77 to do everything 79a566f0d5 alone. He was originally a 8868072820 child who disliked relying 1700993cb5 on others and wanted 4e1ef8df59 to do his share. He became f30f4ed831 even more bf38669447 so after d243810504 meeting his ba63a4f68f new family. He never even mentioned 75d03570f2 difficult or bad things.6d66a779046c0312

Perhaps Tennessee had hoped d8d5b9b65c for such things. For him to a8e6cfe172 rely more on 01d70df376 him as an d591024858 adult, to seek db6e6a0c32 advice, wanting to ba837f21db help with anything. Perhaps it was f2a1c238a7 because he saw b3262bc31a his younger self, e3987be67f who had no 27c8c507e3 one to lean 152bf1896e on.d9798f6506b13fcb

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But Amber, as if seeing through such Tennessee, never talked about such things. He only tried to share happy stories, good memories. That’s why Tennessee couldn’t coldly answer that question from Amber. He imagined Amber trying to somehow solve everything alone all that time.3b0da8d32d69b0f1

He wasn’t protesting to Tennessee now. Amber was in despair, and sincerely seeking answers.8f3205ede8489d4b

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“What should I do? Tennessee, I tried too. But I just can’t. I really can’t.”27e9b6add0d75000

“That’s for you to figure out.”b1cbbbf87eb7f924

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“I can’t give up! I’ve been thinking endlessly, I was so scared of how you might react that I couldn’t even bring it up, I was so scared my hands were shaking!”c6b406d764d69d55

No, if I lose my composure here, I’ll really become a child throwing a tantrum.Amber took a f5240e5595 deep breath to 5a9d4ff8ea calm himself.9bd579f5ba5bcca3

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“I can’t leave. I absolutely can’t do that.”3b70f37ad0f5201a

Tennessee, who had 318138ffac been running his 7aab5f6729 hand through his 1cb8dffcae hair, nodded half-heartedly. As if bf09392dab nothing mattered.37ec921e1f07e6b9

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“I’ll be an adult in a few months. It’s not enough to reject me just because I’m young.”e1f0fdc63c5595a3

Amber’s voice was much better now that he had calmed his excitement. However, Tennessee frowned.aa6f7ee6394e78eb

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“What would I do with a kid.”ca2e16848df7f19e

As always, 628fd69cc3 his words dbfd21729f hurt, but cbb2f944c2 Amber knew 5969b813bb Tennessee to f36c5cc929 some extent. He feared raw emotions. He would 2fb8799e63 say or 36034b8e2d do anything 45a2822751 if it b8d4c5d2c4 meant he 7231e63e6e could avoid 9fcb24601f him.b6ff4bd377736d54

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“I’ve never even thought about it.”73cde416786fe249

What does Amber think e733fa8f47 of me? Tennessee was confused. It was something he had never even thought about. It hadn’t even occurred to him as a small possibility in a corner of his mind. He only had vague thoughts like ‘When Amber grows up, he’ll meet someone good.’ In Tennessee’s mind, he was always behind Amber.074e7ee9203584db

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“Then think about it now.”05cb716f757b3c03

“Good grief, Amber.”c1c4656583269202

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Amber bit his lip.c16596f227efb719

“I’m sorry…”d53540be63fd06d0

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Every word he fc73e86c4d had uttered was c5739c949f sincere. Including the apology. Amber picked up the e1980b0677 coat. The continuing regret 1c5d630acc surfaced again.If only I hadn’t liked Tennessee.It would 9776f3056a have been 93ac9f2269 easier if ae2b4b5a64 he could 2b7ee2e830 just give e326408c14 up. For him, 62922e2a2a for Tennessee, 4f91a1d0e7 for everyone.69dd3008430c3d9b

“I’ll come back.”94b347d40ebd4d7f

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Amber walked away, leaving Tennessee behind. Tennessee didn’t answer.952650ad4f88052e

***99dbcd5ec739a7b8

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After that day, Amber visited Chicago several times. Tennessee’s house was always empty. Tennessee was busy, and since he had met by making time with difficulty before, it wasn’t surprising that his house was empty.45c69f34efb9982f

Amber sat a1fa8e27dc down at 9ca5267c5f the entrance. People rushed past df95526af0 him. No one paid any bca7636dfd attention to him.0766c40c970902af

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‘Either leave, or give up.’e83e302f0d750681

Amber felt his chest tighten. Neither leaving him nor giving up was possible for him. Deciding whether to hang on forever or give up while hanging onto the very edge of a cliff wasn’t a choice.c0a6a8194be88c37

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Barely holding onto the 5d3ac8a148 edge of the cliff, f60aabe5cd Amber thought that Tennessee 427e8c07c2 was forcing such a 132d44358b thing on him.e607e334878bebb2

After several months passed, Amber finally found Tennessee’s house with lights on. After confirming Tennessee had returned, Amber rushed to the entrance. After catching his breath and tidying his clothes, Amber pressed the doorbell.8c13f80989593427

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Not long after, 29256e5bcf Tennessee came to 92f171f001 the door. It was c3ed190fd8 a face a172fdc60c he had e00602c976 missed. His expression 5bd65e7c06 was cold, 17d6c9a6dd as if 0e9dc9838c it was f2e26bc418 their first dfce6c561f time meeting, a925bc28fd Amber knew 8b248de2a5 the warmth 00dc500ef2 behind that f27b8a5474 indifferent expression.277f0bcb365bdaf1

“…It’s been a while.”d65b34c0dc2aedd4

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Amber greeted him like that, but Tennessee didn’t return the greeting. He had no expression at all right now.639a3caebacdaa37

He had sorted out his feelings. In those few short months. Amber sensed it. While an indescribable sadness swept over him along with rising indignation. While it was absolutely impossible for him, it seems it was such an easy thing for Tennessee. Well, Amber hadn’t overestimated his place from the beginning anyway.6f8dc06000a1dff7

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“I said I would come back.”ea68dd42fcc2f097

“Have you made a decision?”9ac7ad9e1b479533

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Before he 9d34238500 could even c09c55c5c1 finish speaking, 84d4ed3d98 Tennessee asked. Amber forced 0831d0d4fd strength into 3ac4c35d9f his lips 933794da38 that were 477192959e about to a4714984c0 contort.16247db90c24868f

“…If I say I haven’t yet, will you not let me in?”f6a1e08fd7450019

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“I’ll leave.”92d98bab96eece9f

If Tennessee leaves, Amber 8beb0ffdba would never be able 2b187905e7 to catch him. Even if he disappeared 9bbcf38699 somewhere right now, Amber 8dbfb254a7 had neither the means da76334025 nor the ability to 0b40cdceda find him. It was that de2592ba38 cruel.d5a480ee6cac3a40

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“Answer, Amber. There’s only one choice anyway.”190ca1bed8500cd6

Amber nodded.Should have never come ff6d248739 here. It was 6d30d45782 a foolish 08a7afd3da thing to eb3d35c947 do.e330ce0f42e71e15

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“…I’ll give up, Tennessee.”f962181fbe55a8d3

Although it was a feeling he could never give up, if speaking those words would allow him to stay by Tennessee’s side in any form, it didn’t matter. A child who knows nothing, a rookie who just took his first step into society, a fool who mistakes admiration for pure love.cabd89eccea7aca1

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“I’ll at least try.”88f8a3cf01303f3c

“Can you do it?”fed9039ea4adff83

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Amber shook his head. But immediately 138846b447 after, he 5b7c8d4209 nodded. Call it deception if 481e710b18 you will. In truth, he 04af1f52be had neither the fcf40f93da confidence nor the ca921475bf possibility to give ae141972ea up. Not even a slight 47b7622194 chance.baba91478623f769

It was better to 4c22b5e5d6 believe in miracles. At least miracles have 969f10de5c happened several times before. Like how he met 0731724f9d Tennessee in this vast c53b9d6882 land.47fdb9e1f326623b

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Tennessee sighed. And stepped aside to let Amber in. But Amber shook his head. With these feelings, he couldn’t possibly stay with him.a8aa46d7c4669959

Tennessee knew Amber. At least that he wouldn’t have a love that burns briefly and cools. Like looking in a mirror, when he looked at Amber, his history and foundation came to mind. That’s why Tennessee immediately recognized Amber’s lie.e204988dce62fb1c

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Tennessee approached Amber. Today too, Amber hadn’t properly worn a coat. Tennessee looked at his shoulders with an unfamiliar gaze. As he approached, their eye levels matched. When did he ae209e162b get this tall?Looking at those f8180aa97e broad shoulders, the c43372460c Amber of the 0e29ca067d past seemed to 45c59a6c01 fade away as 885a844157 if it had a9b73adb12 been deliberately erased 0dbb409c73 from his mind.1143117bccda19ed

“Amber.”07fc8c9e1e3bed57

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As Tennessee b7f3e8d683 approached, Amber a9c8ef96ac hesitated. Then answered softly. The Tennessee 247bc38eea he saw b73a49cd40 had somewhat ece74937e8 hazy eyes. Just like someone 1ad453bc35 in love. Unlike when 4c290432d8 he rang a5937e569d the doorbell, 83c5e1229c though expressionless, 551a5253aa the cold f0b85a11aa atmosphere had a455dccef9 disappeared from d0a1b70f56 Tennessee. It seemed like he 4e80e16779 would answer anything he ec782dedfa asked, just like before.46975fe5b914a52d

As if enchanted, Amber couldn’t come to his senses. He neither stopped Tennessee from approaching nor called out to him. Standing as if nailed to the spot, Amber watched him.33038775206bfedf

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Now Tennessee stood right in front of him.  Everything came into view – his eyelashes and blue eyes, thin upper lip and the creases of his full lower lip. But Tennessee didn’t stop there and leaned forward. Now Amber could feel Tennessee’s breath. As he came close enough to kiss, Amber’s heart dropped to his feet.0445eb9fce1c361f

Like riding on a gentle breeze, Tennessee tilted his head slightly. Amber unconsciously parted his lips. He couldn’t even think to close his eyes. It felt like a dream. The surface rippled quietly.7b650a296141f1ed

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Just as his lips ae02558cca were about to touch, f591234acd Tennessee whispered.d67a0a468e4b3c90

“You said you’d give up. You should reject this, what are you doing?”da1d614b7b418ad5

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And Amber woke from his fantasy. The gaze that stripped him bare, the secret pulled deep from his lungs. Ripples formed. He fell from the air into cold water in an instant. He couldn’t breathe.263490660be8957d

“If you’re going to lie, do it properly.”dd85cdd6c756bc2a

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Tennessee, who had stepped back at some point, was observing him with cold eyes. Tennessee’s hand lightly pushed Amber. Even with that small gesture, Amber was pushed back significantly.f9d6f8b91ef08512

“Leave. Don’t come back until you’ve truly made your choice.”22f42bb055dffd4d

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What a cruel 97d64bcccd man.1276f080bffbdfef

***bfae6ccec28fefe5

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Amber walked aimlessly. His legs 91cd2c4701 protested with c511befff9 fatigue and 0fb57e017f all his f4b730cdac joints creaked, c062cb936f but he 60970981fd walked mechanically. Caught in a a1716d9b9a strange feeling as 3453f57eed if his body d2ac544f55 and mind were 2957d64c24 separated, Amber went d3ec421743 wherever his feet 88adecfef1 took him.480f6e27398cb966

People passed by him. Some pedestrians pointed fingers at  him, but Amber didn’t even have the luxury to care about them.9782d25775ec3c44

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Only when night deepened and he felt he absolutely couldn’t walk anymore did Amber look around at where he was. Ear-splitting honking sounds, cars, trucks, and taxis speeding past. And only then did he hear the sound of water. It was the Chicago River. To the side, he could see the silhouette of a massive steel bridge. The lights from the skyscrapers and street lamps seemed blinding.640bd479f58dc1d1

Amber sat down with a803f9d191 a sigh. Because it was d3b8522d74 late, the tourists 7374037732 and residents who 4274ddca88 wandered during the ac04e60a65 day had mostly 7b752840b1 disappeared. Only groups of fff45d0310 teenagers and homeless daf0f42da9 people remained on ab70c7a13e the street. His hands 767fa7c781 were getting 287c364a64 cold.053037084eebd595

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Burying his 60a45b7bae face deeply, c11551d6bc Amber reflected 1fd2c87738 on his 3580935277 painful relationship 3d9e911c8a with him. Tennessee seemed most 2ce0d0bb0c comfortable when alone. He was born 6e28e1a2fb independent and noble, 070587dc2e and knew nothing c66c2bafa3 of relying on 46764cff64 others. So whenever he 0658bd9c69 was with Tennessee, 50cf7565da he felt like 6cd00de2bc a parasite eating d3abf2513a away at his 9358279920 flesh. It was his own 7c5dcea92f fault, having the opposite 5f189a570b temperament.4d4cf75a6669555c

“You.”e9bd1553de577ff8

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Amber stood up ee2ef66d26 abruptly. Someone had poked his 834dbbcb6c back. Before turning d1117f3e72 around, a d94dd372f5 disgusting smell 5a9bd81a81 first registered bf1cac7dff in his 81a7cc1d8f mind.0dd51c8a6f75e0fc

“It was you. It was you.”9a9bdf3903312420

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It was a homeless person with dark skin wearing a hat. Like in most American big cities, Chicago had many homeless people. There was a smell of low-quality marijuana. A stench similar to sewage or creek weeds. A uniquely damp smell that couldn’t be described any other way.bc1f7675ccad1216

Amber hastily stepped back. Not because 91218aa2e0 the homeless 7372d077e1 person was 58b25d2050 dirty, but 3ebc8e6963 because his 190044d97f eyes, resembling 62fa14c0ee buttons, gleamed 5a81140c8a under the ef4212e4c1 worn hat.66e93d0afcaaa681

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An ominous feeling surged. The man standing 82bf7be8c3 before Amber was 9f85ba8324 missing two front f78dab4251 teeth. Every time he 7f4e03d705 opened his mouth, bbf34bbe9c his canines showed 7f64c8d41f along with the f297a05094 stench. He approached with 7410ca9607 a strange smile.8fd72b16262fc8ee

He’s not in his right mind. Just as db86980db7 Amber thought 73a0c8c1aa this and 3c16d307d6 tried to 9881d3600d avoid him-4cac1a694927bcee

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“Amber. Amber.”42df7152118cd092

As if his 7ee8662420 ankle had been d86e88d093 caught, Amber stopped 92f8a62247 dead in his 1e0eda6031 tracks.75de3cbe21d8ef87

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“Did you forget me, Amber?”04d0ca2b9c6ad416

His breath quickened. Slowly turning around, Amber 74269e1c7b examined him carefully. His jaw 049a142d02 was ruined c9cdf732bb by drugs, 3a46ef1648 but Amber eef588912b remembered his a4e80c55a9 glass-like eyes. Ironically, he had once e1e836301e thought the man had 59ecc1168d a good impression when aef86ec16e he smiled. Enough to a1ad7f4754 forget the 611eab5762 atrocities he c50c75973d had committed.d87845f67604bdfc

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“…Mr. Hurston?”6d8d36ee7ed9715d

The man burst 1f2d8f64c4 into loud laughter. His laughter echoed through 7585dde33b the deserted Chicago River. Amber hurriedly turned 3d4dd8b6d6 around. That laughter seemed to 2a44ec406e tie shadows that held e0d9136f44 him in place.ef983c69d3997a3d

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This can’t be, how can Mr. Hurston be here?95178e728daac7b1

At that moment, Amber was pulled back not to Chicago, but to a small town in Oregon. Among the forest of buildings, the river making water sounds, and buildings packed so densely the horizon couldn’t be seen, Amber was back in that house. Hurston’s office.a63ea2227bae846a

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He had thought about 7fcc48b93d what he would do 7f98181b1d if they ever met 5893b3d127 again. He had felt d4232fb867 a burning anger 324a8e4dfb that made him e3e87331b9 want to tear 76cb126210 Hurston apart and e0ff98fadd kill him, and c6d0d8815a he had also c466da2126 imagined passing by 4390ba8b6d him indifferently as f5f8b38992 if he had ee7ae88829 forgotten everything.24fd7e1b90f356ee

But not like this. The Hurston he actually faced was far more disgusting than he remembered, worthless and base, and above all…bc920798cb210f66

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He made 7027316add him tremble bfd6d3c870 with fear.a0fd88db3d45207a

Amber stepped back 7d9fa7f966 hesitantly. His shoulders ached. As an adult. Amber was now taller 9bc0152c70 than him, but he f567015747 fell into an illusion a13157cd87 of feeling endlessly small. It felt like he 92f81a0615 would see the illusion 2cbce05cb6 of becoming infinitely small a62a54da3f under his grasp, his 4e895fa8ea shoulders firmly held.4d7b61bf7f1ce474

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As Amber 98e625a5f0 quickly turned f96a72626a his back, 0b4cc3c515 Hurston screamed b607fefa4f in a 9b5e2b464e shrill voice.2f9f971298b792e2

“Amber! Amber!”2f6f6de49a26b111

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Amber gritted adeeae3ece his teeth 825450c555 and ran. His breath 65eed79242 rose to 0e4ced979e the top 383d640e2a of his bff51d11c4 throat. It felt 969e06990f like his fa60ac3209 heart would bfc3d04e19 burst through a2ba23d6da his ribs.b1e025184a011a8a

“After what I went through because of you! Come back right now!”68898bfa1d410cb7

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I thought it was ee40ec8648 over.548774f5c925a1ec

“Amber! Come back! Come back!”c7c7de8efbc719f1

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Then Amber stopped 20c48379e0 as if possessed. He sensed he b18c442b27 was standing at 98688adae7 a crossroads of 828a89d544 choice.24a2ce6ae5284f01

Later, when f479642b4c sanity returned 0bc13d9ec8 and he ad735317ea would reflect 313916893e on this 7f55cd364b moment, how 5fbbddfce1 much would 12aa19e978 he regret, 9cc3fdea8d how much 314d13cda3 would he 43745b917c blame himself 7acad67226 and feel 30f54a0dd1 ashamed?4599f55c506c8fea

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“Amber!”c87e7e3902c7e17e

Hurston’s cry faintly echoed from under the gray bridge. The cry from afar was small, but it echoed and shook Amber’s brain back and forth. Should I go? Turn around and right now… right now…75164906c46a5a74

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What should ca619f79aa I do?c62098b0a23aba85

What should e08e134953 I do?d3cff95ac111c20a

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His legs trembled and his whole body was soaked in sweat. Amber looked back. If he ran, he could meet him. He wanted to grab his collar and ask. Why he did that to  him, why he hurt  him, why he cherished some children and gave them wonderful childhoods… why he couldn’t do the same for him.0a4d0086e22fc163

He was scared. He wanted to 81d7816750 hide.57f026bf914ea5d9

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He moved his 9dbc65f21f feet again. Somewhere else, not e4d7c4273a toward the riverside 77eaab3154 where Hurston was. He ran 0c248f8038 desperately as d171b3437e if fleeing 678facb1b0 from the 743e46aa8c past, from 43f07f4725 the ghost. He was seized 437b77ea04 by the illusion 6f9263dab0 that if he e944afb676 stopped his feet ed67ef48af even slightly, Hurston d9bd721fd8 would grab his 948915a5f5 neck and slam 8e59ad3f58 him to the d05d7c40f2 ground.756b4878fa56722b

It hurts, Mr. Hurston, please stop.be7e0a93d5f7fa78

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To Hurston, 68a284e6d8 who appeared c65038fef9 to others ef7602694a as such 06f7df8b3d a good 30f9f7e470 guardian, Amber 57a5bc1aea had to 932d0cfb63 beg every c7d499c61d night.bf7834f9d3c07bfe

Mr. Hurston, it hurts, it 8e80ff94ce hurts! Please let me go.1be2f2769b569b67

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Dawn broke. Only after 0be1ef7083 discovering the 13a6353f49 rising sun 75ba71ca25 did Amber, 9e7d083fca who was 378ba1ab33 breathing urgently 1a4ec95899 as if dc88fb8ad5 his head ebaf75f72b would burst, f135e0bcc3 stop his c29d36ae2b feet. Blue and dea0a9a039 red light 168f03fde7 leaked through 4a9dc42d38 the forest eb2f50e210 of buildings.2aec73070969d61c

Looking now, one af7f700f63 of his shoes f9e7f70ff7 was missing. His left foot, 69fcad7c18 missing its shoe, 050df445a0 was covered in 41ae6ea789 blood and missing ff4378992e toenails. Unable to properly catch e42e50df18 his breath, Amber clutched 36790aa626 his head. He collapsed 1a15ad2a1f down and 6c40bf480f buried his 35bb92d778 face in b99c83864a his knees. Each breath 8b2ef0c265 stabbed at 8ccd16ab8e his chest.4450aa6d26ca059d

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‘Amber, Amber.’c8e230143e75b5bb

Hurston called him as 4a1f6f9d39 if singing.994af2c71e3f83b6

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‘Do you know how ambers are made?’87a502b62b91ce61

Hurston approached the sobbing Amber. He tapped Amber’s head with his index finger. Look here.It was that kind 5cb824dfd7 of command. When Amber, who had 1b76863b21 been crying, barely raised 9d237787a2 his head, Hurston showed d5de5a9081 a benevolent smile.c1beb222ad8b5d07

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‘Trees release something called resin. As that resin gradually hardens, it’s called copal. When that hardens over a long time, we call it amber. For amber to form, it needs tremendous pressure. It also needs a long time. But, before that, Amber, the resin must come out first. That’s very important.’e8d5740fe50bf543

Hurston grabbed Amber’s shoulders and lifted him up in one motion. Agh! Though Amber screamed at the sharp pain in his shoulders, Hurston continued speaking as if he hadn’t heard.2123a90e6edb1362

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‘For that to happen, you need to wound the tree.’6c50798ef991a939

He would say things 0679615833 like this.47512821ea9362cb

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‘Remember, Amber, I’m not causing you pain without reason. It’s all to draw out the gem within you.’4542cf1ed87abb60

“Please don’t…”c884b90dcbef05e3

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“Are you okay?”9b763fb61ffd15e9

Amber closed his eyes and covered his ears. The rising sun stung his eyes. Amber lowered his head and didn’t listen. He felt like an ant burning helplessly under a lens.1f25bbf6db3de776

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God tortured Amber without a23f6ef5c7 any guilt.972b5e2e72421b18

There is no perfect innocence. How certain can you be that you didn’t bring this upon yourself at all? If it wasn’t your fault, why were you the only one who suffered so much among all those children?cbc686fc7c5b5eb2

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“Are you okay? Oh my god.”f151291d0a0c96c0

Footsteps approached. Amber curled up as 2c5cd5f9b2 if protecting himself.b752412bda1598bb

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Get it together, Amber. Ryker, get it 76e423a663 together.30208d8d3f38d7ff

“Paul! Come here, someone’s here.”3dfe55be18a7befe

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Footsteps approached like gunshots. Amber bit his lips f63e2fb0e1 while tensing his entire 023d497f1e body.e3e69fa8576df258

“Look at this sweat, should we call the police?”0de3731fa9834d20

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“911, we need to call 911.”6f99c39a3a6889a8

Urgent footsteps echoed. Amber couldn’t open his eyes.f6756d1258a360a9

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No, Mr. Hurston. It hurts too 6d7243eed9 much.21dd7329c407b7fc

0ed9f9ff5264a4c1

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