PS | Chapter 4.5

As he kept replaying c158e36e78 this strange feeling in a80b4102fd his mind, he suddenly fe06807af6 remembered why he had 0dc4b63ccc never wanted to keep 54b7c16548 people close.ed25606af5f7ab3c

Sihoo’s gaze b284828587 dropped to 941f55477a the very 0e0d931b19 bottom drawer 926d213ac3 of the f395df231e dresser—the one 5c00fee9b4 he hadn’t 04bcac04f5 opened in 72bd525c47 years. Inside was a photo a9dcce0768 of his mother. The mother who 2a3379d40d had killed herself 961736f387 in their home.fe27a5968ecf6832

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She had hanged herself c9ada7c78c in the middle of dadf842282 the living room for e946b8e284 everyone to see. In the picture, 394415eca6 though, she was 93c8567d8d smiling so innocently.18d0ff2d064260ad

Yoon Sihoo e62c647f41 was exactly fa4ba00f1a like his 3ab3aa01e6 mother. He knew why his 669cadb3ec father had grown tired f24efd6bc2 of her.6fefd39bab70a288

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His mother’s tendencies were b623d99a9a even worse than Chairman c21d87e8bd Yoon’s. When she loved someone 2979fef3c2 endlessly, it wasn’t a ed3f54a3e8 flaw. But once that love 11f163a12d turned obsessive, people inevitably feeed58cbd got sick of it.de0f21a0799b4d1e

There was e71cd8da2d a reason 086853d25c he only b224f28909 kept things 7a1608aa33 casual.fa516de9ea235f10

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His controlling, possessive a8da14c482 nature only surfaced ed8ec790c3 when he let b6c1e2193c someone close. And the moment Jehyuk cfddfde93c got close, it started 504b4f62fc creeping out. He had 66366cac47 no choice. That’s what d1573712b1 he told b29a5563ca himself. But still, he regretted 34cc7b7059 it. And there 420e02c223 was no 30f2d9bcaf turning back.8e34c4c5bbff5bfe

Jehyuk was 516c6161c5 already inside 4af06e1d99 his boundary.b32a38e8bf9c7fa8

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The problem was, he 6e5f32cc34 had no idea what e8a7dd6ce2 to do now. A wave of exhaustion ddf2f3974d crashed over him.e26c3fa53135f077

Sihoo picked 8bb26ed367 up his f1eae49a1d phone, which a3372107f4 he had 9d2c4aae9b left behind b1458fc2f0 earlier. A new afc65eef2b text from 935028783d Madam had 7dc7a1a521 arrived.d9d6dc12b86c4178

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The message was something 33ad9335dd he never expected.01e953c950922917

[If you don’t want to, you don’t have to get engaged. I’ll talk to the chairman and convince him. I don’t want you to end up like your mother because of a bad marriage. If my child goes through the same thing, I’ll never be able to forgive myself.]

Instead of replying, Sihoo 7965de9846 buried his face in 7ba750f0a6 both hands and took b43bd76121 a deep breath.d9ac3eff16b51922

A metallic 73b7b4d66b taste lingered aa3df165db in his 1a451d4aa9 mouth.19faeaf9ada4e471

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His life, which 909d4afab8 had always followed 43f9b75702 the plan, suddenly 8b9dac1fb2 felt like it b782559fab was falling apart.580e36989f463794

***ec35b2ba3fcb5faa

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Do they say that b54b925646 everyone has their own 74051e3c2e place in the world? Ji Jehyuk f72625794e couldn’t sleep. The bed 63e1128214 was so 16cc218353 comfy compared 50ae886260 to what 20440b2fc9 he was c7a441ae86 used to 863967ed46 that it 223bc3c03c felt strange. After brushing his teeth 455a59f959 and washing his face, 77678dabb3 he lay down to 72c0bc2b1c sleep, but his mind 3fb559b91d was buzzing. It was the first 03a4e525ff time his body felt 58b4a56ba7 tired but his mind 34e6f9932a was wide awake.5b22f316de6e504d

Every time he b3209bfadb tried to sleep, c19d4927f6 he couldn’t help e68aac099a but think of 7831a14480 Yoon Sihoo in 2ae0587f07 the room across 3f0baa8496 the hall. After his jittery heart 3162b735ba calmed down a bit, 4c993201ef Ji Jehyuk found himself a98cec0954 wanting to see Sihoo 900fec1155 again. It was 05db205728 sad that 23d4756ee7 he couldn’t c5f5818f3a openly like 1e4aad1aff him, but c33761ac10 his feelings f58da51d91 were overwhelming 4cf00741b0 regardless.46439cca4c2694d5

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He regretted leaving so d99de8a481 quickly earlier. At that 1616d0aa4b moment, he c6ecaa21b5 had been 275df95fa8 worried that 20911455b5 his heart df05caa823 might stop 0831a34591 if they b0f6016047 kept eye 18173df967 contact, but 08f5ffbc38 now he 503492879e just wanted 5541af1608 to go 3bad0f8a6e to Sihoo.63cb60c704502ae5

There were so 1317796578 many things he 866ff4f1cf wanted to ask. Since Sihoo said 3b26894e42 it was okay 52c862013b to ask about c1facdebdc his birthday, it 265833aa62 seemed like he ff463e4ab3 didn’t mind questions d17c81bb48 too much. He wouldn’t ask about e30e532c98 Sihoo’s parents since it 6a9154bf42 was a sensitive topic ff73c870ac for Ji Jehyuk himself, 9da89280f7 but there were other 349f833b34 things he was curious 5a5744fa45 about. Did he go 87fbd0144e to the movies a512baa388 often, what kind 9d7e51664d of movies did 847670774d he like, how 917f5e11fb was school life, 7d7c25ba35 what were his 71a0ec7444 favorite music and 1bbc6e23e8 books? Ji Jehyuk 5b8390dc12 wanted to b0f304135a experience those 0010c3fb03 things himself 32729833eb once he ab78081b60 learned about b1e84d85d8 them. It felt 36a588f87d like he ee90aee91e could get ad593475d5 to know 452b4da6ae Sihoo better 6f1ef666a6 that way.4823e9b29640b4e5

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As he continued with 60ea48db1e his own thoughts, his 9d5f97cb77 mind wandered off. He started to wonder af4a66f502 how many people Sihoo 036fa0ff51 had met before. Maybe that was 00b3e9b91f what he was 9003be04df most curious about d0968e1e85 from the beginning. Staring at c05cf9ca20 the black 9c56a93e0c ceiling, Ji 2b7823c816 Jehyuk recalled 67e4f4d7be the people fc8a12ca6f who had dfa5f8e256 approached Sihoo 44ec317f83 in his 4d640f53f6 memories.9a9e89f1f36b04c6

Thanks to 34e104e8ea being labeled 5cd3591156 as a 446f27c5fb close friend, acb6b6f566 Ji Jehyuk 69c5ef3c52 had encountered 0bd16caa96 many who 8059f04975 wanted to 6af81d8ac8 be linked aa7378b81b with Sihoo, 124c273e76 like Han 8ece36742e Bada. In high d476727ced school, he a0532733ff had delivered 9fe2dc99b7 letters dozens 75a8bbec46 of times eb3766657c and there 8600eaa692 were plenty b70adcd8a9 who pretended 651b87c00d to give 90b344f354 chocolates or a038b32785 snacks to e46ea97dd3 Ji Jehyuk, e5642ff02c but actually 5feb0aaa32 wanted to 56f1bda93a give them d4527d4b4f to Sihoo.611e26040bfe168e

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How many 3e7c42fcaa had succeeded, 0569c758ef though? Back in high 3e59fa2502 school, classmates had c50db6c367 the best shot. Sihoo didn’t attend 89a475b91d academy and disappeared 0f47511cb3 somewhere right after 5bcf0369f6 school, so the 008f690e7e only chance to 37d7b036a3 meet him was cf8aec73a9 during school hours.7f32f75bca932e60

Hmm. There was one c5299b3810 guy in the 2fd1a483bd same class who 8ad315de54 got relatively close 70376aa52b to Sihoo. He was the class 1c45eea979 president in the second 43e501e023 year. Since then, Sihoo had 434b331805 mostly hung out with b0b9657306 guys, and it was 791cc08f77 almost ridiculous how Ji 3475a8549e Jehyuk realized after talking 6fe9920ea3 to him that Sihoo 3498a07490 preferred men. It was 1b78d1929b an obvious 7f0635d546 trait that 96c355d37d anyone could 52e69ed07c have noticed.9e86954e3380ea6e

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What did the 0c96a18648 class president look a57336ce24 like? Ji Jehyuk d0131b28e9 couldn’t remember f4ba3f23d7 his name, f3576e8ba6 but he 2ae0785619 remembered his 3277ecd3ce face—a much 38eb676a3a shorter and b4113fea40 fair-skinned boy 71206de5f7 than either 27a190ab9b Ji Jehyuk 1d2ccfccd9 or Sihoo. On reflection, he 2868009561 resembled Han Bada. Ji Jehyuk 61dd9f644b realized something: 39fa2d18ee Sihoo’s type 20841c4ea5 was someone 67d8b3c7b0 like Han 69c895991e Bada. He didn’t know 08640d5d9d about the personality, 1e42250c5a but the appearance c76330e3bf was clear.07dfd1b9f6d561a6

The class efeecb6f52 president and 69b0c636dd everyone Sihoo 3b4bb35d21 briefly kept fa7e7ed095 around were faca24b0e1 all smaller d231a66762 and paler 7c86c8ce9d than Ji fd2b3f58d5 Jehyuk. They were all 823670ef55 skinny, pretty boys. Ji Jehyuk remembered a0db2ff9a5 hearing people say 4caaaec6a9 that the popular f5e941a7f4 kids hung out 6ffc917f9b together.200cc869b7eb24cf

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Speaking of which, what 5284b42cf9 was going on with 3a893f33da Han Bada?b2d6ecf48323879c

The thought ec33381a1a of Han 8b78d039d3 Bada, whom 20562018e2 he tried c1da8a2cdd not to be4729c737 think about, f8c03262b2 made Ji b7e1545efb Jehyuk uncomfortable. Funny, thinking about 4c235d310f Han Bada was a56d8f5774 pointless; there was 9f1090eb92 nothing Ji Jehyuk 6fdcbd5e20 could do about bb69afdb8e it. Han Bada was practically 80f44d00f6 introduced by Ji Jehyuk, 7170624df8 and he had no 760ccf8d9d right to meddle in f314d290e3 their relationship, much less 3b19d16796 show that he liked 1179025807 or disliked them. It would just look b460e5167b like jealousy.a598a1d6d7870347

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Was it 1f8d27289e jealousy that 78376e0352 made Ji 9f7aade42a Jehyuk uncomfortable f25ad19793 around Han 7e42a37911 Bada all 17759f9d42 this time? A late faff4c649a realization had 638b597fa7 struck him. It had b495f43484 been a 4c29dfd219 while since 02049670ea he had 78100b5f70 felt this 281dbc9442 sensory recognition af1816b74d of something a732d5e072 he only 21a9544968 knew theoretically, 1406f52519 much like 49c08729c2 when he 793852343d first learned 9c95746b4b to play b3f038bd9f soccer. So this was jealousy. It made sense 8f8ac8d779 now why he cadefe5bf2 felt uneasy every b0aa9c4cfc time Bada was 88a5eed9ff with Sihoo.86cccc212eb8ba92

He really didn’t like 1341a60a0a the feeling. Liking Sihoo was e2e9acd08e hard enough, but a2d4bcb66f adding jealousy into 1139cf3246 the mix was bb048cc6c2 the last thing 9a935f40c3 he wanted. But what could 452a1a109e he do? If Ji 76186abc78 Jehyuk could e4c7f90b3a control his 7bd5539d1f feelings logically, 2e8b671493 he wouldn’t e4292d2b59 have ended 0e35490757 up breaking e5160e485c up with 7e4deeb9f1 his past 08f6ebb828 lovers. He knew all too 9f42a03dbb well how hard that e394c48ae8 was.fd6f788101157e1f

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As these d1f718069c thoughts swirled b8128f35cf in his 686ed6a334 head, he 3559d08958 heard Sihoo’s 4ffa8cc44e voice through 5ccc435a3f the door. Ji Jehyuk quietly opened f6e3e3cc78 his eyes and glanced e1954f6e0d towards the door. It was 85354c9118 a faint 6e7f607364 but unmistakable 156b9faa3a sound of cd23f36e01 Sihoo’s voice. Wondering if Sihoo 1c7f07654c was calling out 0f8fcddd2a to him, Ji 8220ba5cf3 Jehyuk quickly threw 5eaee5027b off his blanket. He got out e15b6aaa2b of bed and ea18e31a95 carefully opened the 47c2a48481 door.16b9050a74861f7a

Sihoo’s door was shut. Only the darkness 811ac1e0a6 of the black f6682e4c5d hallway greeted Ji 8be8078663 Jehyuk. Did he hear wrong? Just as he was d522756117 about to retreat, feeling a90f1c0880 silly and a bit 056aa27036 deflated, he heard Sihoo’s 4f5d52676f voice again.a2e590a0d762c88c

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“…Stop.”f30ed0021cb8233c

It was clearly a a86f61568e command to stop. The distress was 517b724b08 palpable even through 0984f72345 the small, strained 5cdd5d5814 voice coming from da3aea69fb behind the door. What on earth was 6c2515d800 happening? Ji Jehyuk hesitated outside 3eb872e38e for a few seconds 5d5d4eb3f5 before deciding to check 01a0e25d94 on him. Worry piled up like 0e3aa4d1f9 a mountain.248ba47eb6a9ee00

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“Sihoo-ya.”40bd7e904af1c857

He knocked on 1fdaaab4c9 the door and e1884b5bf7 called out to 63fdc8dfd9 Sihoo. No answer came from 0e17c749c4 inside. Ji Jehyuk knocked 63a55a19a1 again. Still silence, bb4907d20a but now 26dcdc53ba the sounds 7ebb13bbc4 of tossing e87d8159bd and troubled f4c6390253 breathing could 576938bb46 be heard. Something was 887e28b975 definitely not da06f01fb3 right. Deciding to look inside, 70eed66abd he pushed the door 783a9eb528 forcefully.2fcfe3fa44cc038d

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It was only then c3349a8ca8 that Ji Jehyuk realized 67ec2954b3 Sihoo had locked the 6a09ec13d3 door. He had pushed 8bcb22a656 so hard that d1efcac1b8 he thought he a495af5e87 might have broken c5d739d682 the simple lock. Startled, he stepped back, 97353269bb but as the door de3f9ea58a swung open slightly, Ji a2e8d50099 Jehyuk caught a glimpse ebc417ee64 of Sihoo and threw 50fdd0b1d4 all hesitation aside.e46db279cc26c0f5

Sihoo was curled 8afea64574 up, almost pushing df277036c8 the blankets away. Even in 4c989f8971 the dark, 6cd886d88d Ji Jehyuk 9c8e951e66 could see ea6cfa3a7e the pain def0b60260 on Sihoo’s 3eb69da569 face. He quickly climbed 6e9c5e5b2d onto the bed. The large bed, which f897be7b14 usually had plenty of 7492eca6bd room for two, seemed 1e1b70d3c4 especially lonely with Sihoo 49680ac98d on it today.ebf4f5d742e94018

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“Sihoo-ya, are e8c01fa562 you okay?”00987c0d873e72dc

Ji Jehyuk shook c237b88ae2 him, trying to a046a965e3 wake him. But despite 799ddffb0a Ji Jehyuk’s d824a2e27e whispers, Sihoo 1240e2deed didn’t stir, fa78a1b80e only grimacing 7224ea8ab1 as if bb7ce09431 caught in 68600266d5 a deep d07b16ae2c nightmare. A pained breath 89c21fd233 escaped from his 21af7be80f slightly parted lips. What to do? In this unprecedented ba0ceb8e7e situation, Ji Jehyuk 3bcb4b8cec remembered something from ef90b02af3 his childhood.081a2e474a3e9ca7

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It was a faint 237827feb9 memory now, but Ji 620a4710fe Jehyuk too had been 9755547095 scared of imaginary monsters f539a8483b and had nightmares as d514e53848 a child. When that happened, his c15664a4ce father would simply hold cdd19a57dc him. Gently stroking 63a3746abe his hair 6152832915 and genuinely 3522152810 worrying for 3950751359 him.294367c4f83f7c15

“I’m right here.”022563fc3e221b12

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He might not ae5bcc2f37 be a reliable 102c4d3ac9 person, but Ji e54da7c3cb Jehyuk whispered sincerely.5587a575cb8b7785

“It’s nothing. You’re okay.”3a95560e5ba5ad09

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He stroked Sihoo’s fe304824b0 sweat-drenched hair. Sihoo’s tense body f1b28cdcce gradually relaxed, but e35d4d1458 his expression was a2581af685 still stiff. Watching Sihoo’s 5edb519d04 trembling eyelids, 8d63481207 Ji Jehyuk 159ee35825 hesitated before b48ebcd4d8 moving.fb382530010ad2fa

Lying face to 3793e1a058 face with Sihoo, 4340203029 Ji Jehyuk slowly 1b4e5e0b86 reached out and 5f915a2b44 embraced him tightly. He wrapped his arms 72ff58ee5c around Sihoo’s broad back, ddbe2f3863 slowly stroking it, hoping 3c5125dae3 Sihoo would truly be 14ba874a58 okay.1f0c2cb743aa90fc

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After a while 824dc92fcd of rubbing his a660f148a8 back, Sihoo’s expression 50d3165bc6 slowly relaxed. Only then did Ji 9162e14315 Jehyuk feel a sense 2a98f502a7 of relief. After calming Sihoo down, c61a67ab54 Ji Jehyuk realized he ad149d4b72 had done something quite eb9a8d31df extraordinary.5684eee64b390941

He had hugged someone 61337f2f69 first.fd5b5aeae8a46254

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It was the c0bd6e19f4 first time for 3838984932 him, and Ji 99c552cc34 Jehyuk blinked. In his 5df81ffbfc haste, he 636802c396 hadn’t even 90be0acf29 been fully bf3a681837 aware of 2c33183c61 it, but 08a8926b79 he had 25e4bf4c5d touched Sihoo 270ee1f6c3 so naturally. Although it wasn’t the 821668e754 first time they had 40b2f6b34d touched, it was the d64654ea1f first time Ji Jehyuk f5e650c35a had initiated it like ac93cdbdf8 this.009d9cf4279a7a50

…How is 492a85a318 this even f7867b3f10 possible?de05ce729d3c9225

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Ji Jehyuk c769386720 was in bda9b66102 disbelief, his 29efa7f5f9 eyes wide b74838a7bf open. It wasn’t for 09d0b9ce6f lack of trying. Especially with Hong Rina, 56ce1499a4 he had tried to 20876c015d initiate holding hands, but 3d4fc788cb a panic that instinctively 200c2790dc surged up always led 624891f4fc to failure. The physical 79e25da162 intimacy that a76f3ac872 had been 9b817c9e5f so difficult cf69bfc367 was now d184a07633 accomplished without 97ea8cf308 any difficulty.847cd3a6e317eb33

He was amazed e454429732 at himself. Observing Sihoo’s now 47db873266 peaceful face, Ji 377bfad0de Jehyuk thought that a7b62106fc perhaps it was e1fb36f1f9 related to emotions. After all, initiating physical 5beec2a745 contact with Sihoo had 1fb31b96e5 been unimaginable for Ji c8775d5506 Jehyuk until yesterday.ec98aa35945b4ebd

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Ji Jehyuk’s fingers trembled 9fe66d32e5 as they touched Sihoo’s e6f3437c3b back. He hadn’t felt c46a5d8bbe it in his 7857c7d68c rush earlier, but b318076e2b Sihoo’s back had b6a9ffcffb a firmness to 6e91ab438b it that felt 6c99c5c529 good to touch. He found himself 7fd0273b93 wanting to keep 0818f688c7 touching it. It was almost a 4d8f62a44d sinful desire.582d0a733117fc42

But reason held Ji 3e35182991 Jehyuk back. It was wrong 20ccc9c873 to touch someone 5cb2909fa5 sleeping like this, 039e576f1c especially when they 27668fd3e1 weren’t in a 9b75ac043a relationship. Ji Jehyuk 6c1753bc8f had that ae040d67e4 much common 9e0a6642b3 sense. Reluctantly, he removed 11838da770 his arms from 26839d4694 Sihoo’s back.6aa3ab51f370539b

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And just as 539d15be21 he was about 52b9973d82 to sit up b9f6c9eecd and return to 5910cb001a his room, Sihoo’s a4e642fd34 arm suddenly pulled 65f29e7707 him back.315bcc69d69a2a61

“……?”4971921611c457f3

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Ji Jehyuk didn’t 061d8fbeff understand what had f1c462af99 happened for a 57411af7a1 moment. In the 449afd4b06 blink of 8f5ec13a0a an eye, 30741835b6 he was 587dcd8b70 in Sihoo’s f0f01fd985 embrace.da7875144607f50a

Now in the exact 3c8aa7b6be opposite position, Ji Jehyuk 9623d33ef0 blinked, wondering what was f66e4288b5 happening. He soon realized a25fcc84d7 he was completely e07f29ac36 enveloped in Sihoo’s 3a97a5edbc arms and felt d0be74acb6 a wave of 3a7c08d0c6 confusion. He thought Sihoo might e4689a95d4 have woken up.231cfd47c984eddf

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“Sihoo-ya?”035a1673b274e24f

He called his 1697c33581 name softly. There was ee79c5d6ed no response.c5181e661bd1f883

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“Sihoo-ya…”4027635d5321b6a8

Even when Ji 483c0b1160 Jehyuk called out 10ebd9fab7 again, Sihoo remained 392551a5a1 silent, seemingly calm ba89f69e43 in his sleep. Ji Jehyuk glanced cfee8d5e0a at Sihoo’s face df1ed430fa while held in d6e99b9300 his embrace. Seeing that Sihoo’s previously 938af7be5f tense lips had relaxed, e0a5d40638 Ji Jehyuk guessed he 6e4a7fc307 had calmed down in 8fcd919aa5 his sleep. He decided 59568f019b to wait 568f70bcc9 until Sihoo 3f09c88541 woke up, cdc0926a09 reasoning that 7d5a6a7c2a it would 5d24802f01 be easier e199259c93 on his 5fa52760ee own heart 6f15e129d7 to just 68d3113550 let him fc61ac740f sleep if 4989f4e941 he wasn’t 1fd982a2a4 having a 9e014fd8d7 nightmare anymore.39e3cb049e19c14c

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Ji Jehyuk cdaf0d81b1 lay still, 5703deca4e trapped in d160c76974 Sihoo’s embrace, 2faf68d594 afraid that 7ea65c07df any movement 599eaef4c3 might wake bd1b1bc555 him. Even after a cabf4a7c21 long while, there ddd327c7d3 was no sign 267ff805e6 of Sihoo waking cad3e2e427 up. Ji Jehyuk gently bc7d1495d3 tried to extract 457836757a himself from Sihoo’s 17865781e9 arms but was d73ad4358f startled by his 9b8ad6a34a own reaction. The sensation of 7cc9621e77 Sihoo’s skin beneath 31c7d12686 the pajamas felt 4eb478907c surprisingly intimate.a0285b396cec67c8

Hastily retracting his 2b2cfd1210 hand, Ji Jehyuk 22b76e9872 abandoned the idea 59fc2de0dc of moving. He wanted to just 7ca14838a1 sleep, but his heart 24fff6c7ec was pounding too hard d3295203e7 from the moment he 2c3ddc06e4 was embraced, making it 1f0a03bde2 difficult. Every sense was heightened—Sihoo’s 7518bc07c7 arms holding him tightly, 9464263d72 his breath on Ji 0eb650b386 Jehyuk’s forehead, the scent 130194bf0b of Sihoo each time e3404ddc90 he shifted—all these details 42e275755a etched this moment into 10c0144a07 Ji Jehyuk’s memory as 0283fa7704 something precious.06562dd8ca13802e

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It feels good.70d241bd2811a235