C | Chapter 3.1 | Reminiscence | Crack in the Memory

The piercing blue gaze wrapped around Ian as if binding him tightly with a single line.

“… Are you scared?”

Yes, Ian was scared of him. Even responding that he was scared frightened him, but he gathered his courage and gave a small nod. He felt like something would happen if he didn’t answer…

“There’s no choice.”

When he said that, Ian felt so terrified that tears started to spill. Ian bit his lip as his eyes glazed over with a thin veil of fear, and the man with blue eyes lowered his head. Ian gasped and held his breath as he felt the man lean closer to his ear, whispering softly.

“… Don’t.”

His heart thudded loudly, beating like a drum. The cold, severe gaze was terrifying. Staring deep into Ian’s eyes with chilling intensity, he spoke once more.

“Don’t fall asleep.”

“…!”

Ian let out a silent scream and shot up. His body was drenched in sweat, salty droplets stinging the scars on his back. He buried his terrified face between his knees, fingers trembling as they gripped his hair.

Once again, it must be midnight. Every night, as though by some spell, Ian would wake up at the stroke of midnight, drenched in cold sweat and shivering uncontrollably. All he remembered was a single command: don’t fall asleep.

“Hah… hah…”

Ian breathed heavily, not believing the coldness of the breath he’d just exhaled. He clutched his shirt around his chest, trying to warm himself against the biting chill cutting through his skin.

The time was brief—thirty minutes at most, sometimes only five. But even though it was just a sliver of the day, those minutes had relentlessly torn Ian’s life to pieces. Had his mother not already been far more mentally broken, he’d probably be counting down the hours to midnight in a hospital bed somewhere by now.

Shivering, Ian clutched the sheets, his fingers turning white as they gripped the fabric. He held his breath, exhaled, then did it again, his chest feeling suffocated, as if something was pressing hard against it. Just as he was about to release a stifled groan, a hand touched his back.

“Just breathe.”

It was the Revenant. Startled, Ian raised his bleary eyes, filled with moisture, to see the Revenant’s hand gently brushing over his chest.

“Breathe. Slowly.”

Following the soothing rhythm of his hand, Ian slowly started to breathe again. The warmth radiating from his touch seeped through Ian’s skin, spreading warmth throughout his body.

Listening to him, breathing quietly, Ian was surprised at how natural it felt to be near him. Why was that? Just a brush against anyone else would make his skin crawl.

Ian frowned. Was it his attitude? Was it because he called me a kid?

“Are you okay now?”

Revenant’s hand slowly withdrew once he sensed Ian had stopped trembling. Ian nodded, blinking to focus on his face. Even in the dark, his sharp features were clear, and his bright blue eyes shone like stars.

“When did this start happening?”
“A few years back… I think.”
“When exactly?”
“Maybe… when my mother got sick… or maybe before. I… I don’t remember…”

Struggling through his hazy memories, Ian shook his head as if to clear it. He was okay now. He shifted back, distancing himself from Revenant, who felt unnervingly close.

“I’m fine now. Really.”

With his breath now steadied, Ian felt a sense of discomfort at the relief he found in the stranger’s embrace. Revenant was an outsider, and Ian had to grit his teeth, clinging to his boundaries like a sandcastle against the tide, to keep from collapsing.

“Please… I appreciate the concern, but I’m really fine.”

Instead of leaving, Revenant leaned over and perched himself on the edge of Ian’s bed.

“I have sleeping pills.”

Ian shook his head.

“No need. Once midnight passes, I fall asleep again.”

For a moment, Ian thought he saw a flicker of hesitation in Revenant’s steady silhouette.

“So you wake up at midnight every night?”
“Yes.”

He became aware of how close Revenant was. The warmth of another person was enticing, like discovering a campfire in the dead of winter, making Ian want to curl up in the warmth until his hands tingled.

To avoid paying attention to the man’s closeness, Ian let himself speak about things he’d never told anyone.

“It’s weird, right? Just waking up at midnight every night. I’m not crazy or anything, but someone wakes me up every time, telling me not to fall asleep. I don’t know if it’s a dream or what, but it just happens. And when I calm down, I fall back asleep. That’s it. I scream a little, but it’s only a moment. It’s nothing serious.”

Ian kept repeating that he was fine, almost defensively.

“Maybe I have some trauma I don’t know about. But it’s not a big deal. I’ve gotten used to it.”

Somehow, Revenant seemed to be getting closer, or maybe Ian was just becoming more intensely aware of him. Raising his hand, Ian tried to push Revenant away, but Revenant didn’t budge, making the attempt feel more like a touch than an actual push. He started to wonder if he’d subconsciously used it as an excuse to touch him.

It was unfamiliar, unbearably so. He wanted to be held. He wanted that warm, steady man to hold him and share his solid presence. With great effort, Ian pulled his hand away and clenched it into a fist.

“Please… leave now.”

Revenant spread his arms. Ian, bewildered by his response, just stared at him blankly. Murmuring something incomprehensible, Revenant leaned in slightly closer.

Just as his head tilted a little more,

“…!”

Ian’s eyes flew open wide. Revenant had wrapped his arms around him. Panicking, Ian squirmed in his embrace.

“Why… why are you doing this? Let go!”
“Shh.”

Revenant lay down on the bed, still holding Ian close. Ian felt the hard muscles of the man’s arm, his steady breath against him. His skin grew warm.

“I’ll help you sleep. Go ahead.”

Ian’s weak struggles soon lost their strength. He was so tense that he was worried Revenant might notice him trembling.

“Why… why are you… doing this? I said I could sleep. I’m… not a kid…”

Revenant’s lips curved into a silent smile.

“Yes, you are.”
“What… no, I’m an adult.”
“Little kid.”

Revenant’s fingers gently combed through Ian’s hair, warmth spreading wherever they touched. Ian bit back a sigh, his pulse loud in his ears. Pressing his hand over his chest, he tried to muffle the thumping in case Revenant might hear it.

Revenant held him gently, as though caring for a child in need. There was no reason to be tense; only Ian was conscious of the embrace.

“Do you realize… how strange you are? No one gives charity like this.”
“You said you’d figure that out.”

Ian forced himself to respond, trying to hide the way his voice was softening.

“If you’re going to give charity, could you at least be kind about it? Stop making it so hard and just explain it already.”

Revenant shook his head.

“No.”
“Why not?”

The grip around him tightened, and Revenant pulled him close as though he couldn’t bear to let go. Though his strength was overwhelming, his attitude was gentle, almost as if he held some special affection for him.

Ian felt like he might cry if he wasn’t careful. He wanted to push Revenant away… and at the same time, he wanted to hold him back. It felt like finding a long-buried longing within himself.

And it was agonizing to accept that the one making him feel this way was Revenant.

Who are you, exactly? Why do you make me feel like this?

“I want you to know nothing about me.”

But Revenant’s next words were as distant as ever, chilling Ian’s blood.

“Why?”
“I don’t intend to answer. If you’re curious, figure it out yourself.”

It was a contradiction. If he didn’t want his identity known, he shouldn’t have appeared before Ian in the first place. To show up only at the right moments, stirring everything up, and then act like a stranger felt almost insulting.

“That’s ridiculous. If you wanted to keep it a secret, you could’ve just stayed away. Why do you keep coming around? Why did you give me that laptop? Do you even know what I intend to do with it?”

Revenant’s gaze pierced him. His blue eyes were severe, breathtakingly so.

“I’m already regretting it.”
“… What?”

Revenant reached out and covered Ian’s eyes. Before Ian could understand what it meant, his eyes closed.

“Just sleep.”

But Ian wasn’t fooled. He slapped Revenant’s hand away with all his strength.

“Get off!”

Confused by Ian’s fierce reaction, Revenant asked.

“Why are you angry?”
“Am I some kind of toy to you? You show up when you feel like it, pretending it’s all for charity, and now you’re regretting it? Who do you think you are to treat me like this? You thought I’d just be grateful for a few expensive gifts like some child? Just what do you think… mmm!”

Revenant wrapped his hand around Ian’s head, pulling it against his chest, and silenced him.

“Go to sleep,

little kid.”
“Shut up and let me go! Let go!”

The muffled protests didn’t sound angry at all, which only made Ian angrier as he struggled against Revenant.

“Let go!”

Suddenly, he felt something warm and soft brush his ear. Revenant’s lips. Ian’s body froze, his resistance dying instantly. He thought… he thought he was kissing him. He couldn’t move, as if he’d been waiting for it.

But Revenant only whispered.

“It’s okay to sleep. Just sleep deeply now.”
“…”
“You don’t have to stay awake anymore.”

Revenant’s arms remained wrapped tightly around Ian, as if he couldn’t let go. Ian felt angry at the contradiction. When he considered it, Revenant had saved him, and though their relationship was unclear, it didn’t seem like he wanted anything from him. For that, Ian should be grateful.

And yet it made him angrier. He didn’t like being treated as if he should just be thankful for the help. He wanted Revenant to reveal his identity more than he wanted that twenty-thousand-dollar laptop.

“Who… exactly are you? Why are you doing this to me?”

Finally, he whispered, sounding almost pained. Revenant offered no answer, only pulling him closer, murmuring in a low, soothing tone as if he were singing a lullaby.

“Rest peacefully. It’s okay now.”

Ian’s fury and confusion mingled, pressing down on him like a dream, until finally, he abandoned the futile struggle and slipped into deep sleep in Revenant’s arms.