LD Chapter 4

It was a secret, intimate and shameful, that I had never told anyone.

Even though we started dating unexpectedly after a sudden confession, my girlfriend and I got along quite well. In the midst of our grueling senior year, like a dry, cracked rice paddy, we were like refreshing rain to each other. Looking back, it was probably closer to friendship or camaraderie than love.

After the CSAT and with the new year, my girlfriend and I went on a trip, just the two of us. We had finished the most important exam of our lives, we’d done well enough to get into the universities we wanted, and we become legally adults. There was no reason, and no need, to hold back.

We decided to celebrate the liberation of finally becoming adults together. Although neither of us said it aloud, we both knew and anticipated, that we would have new experiences on this trip, experiences we couldn’t have as minors.

But then, an unexpected, unforeseen problem arose. A truly perplexing, absurd, and ridiculous problem.

That is, well, mine just wouldn’t… get hard. It wasn’t because of nerves. There was no reaction at all. No matter what I tried, it stubbornly refused to cooperate. I just sat there, sweating profusely, watching my girlfriend smile awkwardly.

Then, suddenly, something I hadn’t thought much about before rose up and caught in my throat.

I hadn’t masturbated since my first wet dream. It was because I never felt a strong urge to. Listening to my friends’ lively stories about their self-pleasure experiences sometimes made me feel a slight sense of unease, but I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. I didn’t consider myself asexual. I thought it would happen naturally when I met someone I liked when I was with that person.

It wasn’t like I hadn’t been intimate with my girlfriend. We kissed and made out. So, I naturally assumed that the next step would follow. But when the moment came, it didn’t happen naturally.

It was embarrassing and incredibly humiliating. My pride was torn to shreds and fluttered about. My girlfriend, who must have been just as embarrassed and flustered as I was, tried to comfort me as I knelt there, frozen like a statue. That made it even worse. Looking at my girlfriend’s flushed neck, much smaller and more delicate than mine, I was consumed by guilt.

My girlfriend, patient and loyal even at a young age, didn’t break up with me right away. Even after we returned from the trip, we continued to try various things, but nothing worked.

In the end, facing the new challenges of graduation and college entrance, exhausted from all the effort and determination, my girlfriend broke up with me.

“Of course… I wouldn’t date a guy like this either. Why would anyone date a guy like this? Useless.”

It was a secret I had never told anyone. I thought that the moment I spoke it aloud, the vague problem would solidify and suffocate me. But contrary to my expectations, my heart felt lighter. However, I wasn’t sure if this lightness would last after I sobered up.

I glanced at Ha Jungyoon cautiously. His lips, which had parted slightly in surprise when he first heard me, were now firmly closed.

“It’s just… that’s how it is. You don’t have to look so serious…”

“So?”

I was feeling embarrassed even while drunk, so I lowered my gaze and fiddled with my glass. Then, a low voice settled over me.

“Uh, huh?”

My alcohol-numbed lips and tongue wouldn’t move as I wanted. I rubbed my numb lips roughly with the back of my hand. Had I ever been this drunk before? I really hated people who get drunk and lose their senses, acting out and causing trouble.

“So, is that why you couldn’t confess to Kim Jooyeon?”

My thoughts, which had been wandering aimlessly, snapped back, and I jerked my head up, only to stumble as dizziness overwhelmed me. Ha Jungyoon reached out and steadied my head.

“H-AHow did you know that?”

I was more shocked by the secret Ha Jungyoon had figured out than by the one I had confessed. My heart pounded, and my fingertips went cold.

“It was obvious.”

“Why… why was it obvious? I hid it so carefully, why?”

I felt a dizzying jolt, like a thrilling electric current running through my cheeks.

“Why, no, how? Don’t tell me… Kim Jooyeon also…?”

As I blinked anxiously, Ha Jungyoon brushed his thumb against my eyes.

“I don’t know about Kim Jooyeon, but the others probably don’t know. You hid it well.”

Hid it well, my ass.

“You figured it out… you knew.”

If Ha Jungyoon, whom I wasn’t even that close to, could figure it out, there was a chance others had noticed too. I stared blankly at Ha Jungyoon, who seemed shrouded in a hazy fog in my drunken vision.

“Of course I knew.”

No way. A sudden possibility occurred to me, and I pushed away Ha Jungyoon’s hand from my face.

“Do you like Jooyeon too?”

“No way.”

His immediate denial was cold. The strength drained from my eyes, which had been fixed on the blurry figure of Ha Jungyoon. He didn’t seem like the type to lie about something like that.

“If it’s no, it’s no. Why are you being so scary…”

“I’m nervous.”

“What’s there for you to be nervous about in this situation? If anyone should be nervous, it should be me.”

“There are things.”

Well, I guess Ha Jungyoon had his own reasons.

Ha, I really didn’t know anymore. 

My head was heavy, my heart was heavy, and even my alcohol-numbed lips and tongue felt heavy. I was tired of everything.

Ah, I’m completely drunk. I should go home. 

How many transfers do I need to get to my place from here?

I was about to ask where the nearest bus stop was when my vision suddenly cleared, and Ha Jungyoon’s face came into focus.

Ha Jungyoon, who looked incredibly tense. Ha Jungyoon, who now knew everything, from my erectile dysfunction to my unrequited feelings for Kim Jooyeon.

Huh?

“You…”

“Yeah?”

“…are pretty.”

“Pretty?”

“Yeah.”

“Me?”

“Yeah. You’re kind of my type.”

My thoughts took a sharp turn and went in a completely unexpected direction. I had never been this drunk in my life. My drunken mouth was babbling uncontrollably, but I couldn’t stop it. My thoughts, popping up randomly, were all jumbled up.

Out of my pathetic, unrequited love, my erectile dysfunction, the handsome but virgin Ha Jungyoon, and everything else, I focused on the beautiful face in front of me.

“Really?”

“Yeah. Almost enough to make me regret you’re a guy.”

I could understand why everyone made such a fuss over him. It was hard to look away once you laid eyes on him.

“Why didn’t you become a celebrity? You must have gotten a lot of casting offers, right?”

“Do you like me?”

Ha Jungyoon ignored my question and asked something else entirely.

“Yeah, kind of?”

I chuckled, and I probably looked like an idiot with a few screws loose, just like Kim Jooyeon had said.

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Enough to kiss?”

“Uh, huh?”

“What, you don’t think we can kiss?”

Ha Jungyoon was fading back into the fog again. Unconsciously, I reached out and grabbed his wrist.

“Woo Hyunsoo.”

“No, it’s just… I suddenly can’t see you clearly…”

“Do you want to try with me?”

“What?”

My tongue felt increasingly heavy.

“Let’s try it once.”

“…….”

“Who knows? Maybe I can make you hard?”

His low voice sounded like an auditory hallucination. And then, everything faded to black.

* * *

It felt like my body had been beaten all over.

“Ugh….”

I tried to stretch but groaned at the stiffness in my arms and let them fall back down. The soft, crisp feel of the blanket felt strangely unfamiliar. My mom, knowing how sensitive I am to the cold,  always sent me soft microfiber blankets for my dorm room, and I usually woke up bundled up in it.

Usually, I did, but… this is different. It is different.

The texture was distinctly different. A primal sense of alarm jolted me, and I forced my heavy eyelids open.

“What… is this?”

My hoarse voice cracked as I spoke. 

The blanket that came into view as I blinked slowly didn’t have the short, soft, gray fur I was used to. It was a smooth, white blanket, like a field of snow. I tilted my head, shifting my stiff body, and suddenly felt an unfamiliar ache. A faint but noticeable pain emanating from a completely unexpected place.

“Why…”

It felt like a drop of cold water was trickling down my spine. I slowly lifted the blanket and looked down at my body.

“What… is this?”

I wasn’t wearing a stitch of clothing. Still holding the blanket, I turned my head stiffly. I wasn’t alone in bed.

“Ha… Jungyoon?”

Ha Jungyoon was there. Naked, just like me.

* * *

I didn’t remember how I left the hotel. I hurriedly grabbed my clothes and rushed out, catching the first taxi I could find.

“Ha, seriously, Woo Hyunsoo. You’ve finally lost it. And not just a little bit. Ah, you crazy bastard!”

I collapsed at my front door, clutching my head and screaming.

“Why? No, why? This, why? It doesn’t make sense. Why, whyyy?”

I couldn’t understand it at all. Ha Jungyoon and… Ha Jungyoon and—no, me and Ha Jungyoon! Why were we lying naked in the same bed?!

Ha Jungyoon and I had been distant throughout our freshman year. Naturally, yesterday was the first time we’d ever had a proper conversation and shared drinks. We’d spoken more yesterday than we had in our entire freshman year combined. 

What on earth was this, with that Ha Jungyoon?

“No, no!”

And more importantly! 

Ha Jungyoon was a man! 

I was a man! 

We were both men!

Dumbfounded by the unbelievable situation, I sat there with my mouth agape, letting out hollow breaths, then shook my head, trying to dispel the incomprehensible situation and its implications.

“Okay, maybe it wasn’t what I think it was. Right, that doesn’t make sense.”

I could still feel a faint, persistent ache somewhere in my… rear, a very unfamiliar place, but that, well, maybe I had stumbled and fallen while drunk? That was more likely, wasn’t it? More realistic?

“Right, right. That’s possible.”

Maybe I had been rolling around drunk on the street, or, although a bit disgusting, maybe I had thrown up, and Ha Jungyoon had taken off my clothes and cleaned me up? He seemed like a nice guy, just like I’d heard. So, he took me to a hotel… although it was too fancy for a place we went to in a hurry, but still, it was urgent, so he took me somewhere I could wash up…

Continuing this hopeful and positive train of thought, I jumped up from my spot, only to instantly clutch my aching back and groan.

“Ugh!”

I stood frozen, catching my breath and waiting for the pain to subside, then threw off my padding jacket and ran to the bathroom.

“Ah…”

But the moment I stripped off my clothes and saw my reflection in the mirror, I couldn’t help but let out a groan.

“Haa, this is crazy. Seriously.”

My chest, stomach, inner thighs, even my armpits, and the area around my genitals were covered in red marks and hickeys.

* * *

“Hello, hyung.”

“Oh, hey. Hi.”

“Hey.”

“…Hello.”

That damn “hey.” It was even more annoying today.

I acknowledged the greetings from the juniors I had met last week and went to sit in the middle of the lecture hall where Choi Taeyoung was. I still really disliked him and found him annoying, but I couldn’t sit next to Ha Jungyoon and pretend nothing had happened. There was no way I could do that.

However, I also had absolutely no intention of sitting right next to Choi Taeyoung, so I sat three seats away from him.

“Are you a girl or something? Why are you sitting so far away? Are you being shy?”

Choi Taeyoung pulled his bag from the desk and came to sit next to me.

Ugh, seriously.

Did he really not know that everyone, regardless of gender or age, would hate having him sit next to them?

I inwardly applauded the female students who were already giving Choi Taeyoung disgusted looks, having recognized his true nature.

“By the way, I heard you guys went all out last Friday?”

My weakened heart dropped at his casual remark. It was because of the automatically conjured image of that shocking morning scene. Or, to be precise, the late morning, almost noon.

“Yeah, well.”

I answered vaguely and glanced around the lecture hall. Ha Jungyoon wasn’t here yet. My lips went dry.

I had spent the entire weekend holed up at home, going over every possible scenario. 

Should I take another leave of absence? 

Or should I just drop out?

But since my goal was to graduate quickly and get a decent job, those were impractical solutions that I couldn’t act on.

“Phew.”

A sigh escaped my frustrated heart.

“Why are you sighing in the morning, you punk? You’ll bring bad luck.”

You’re the one who brings bad luck. Get out of this lecture hall.

Ignoring Choi Taeyoung, who was chattering away beside me, I opened my textbook. But my eyes kept darting towards the door. Ha Jungyoon, who had always arrived before me and been seated in the lecture hall all of last week, was nowhere to be seen today. Avoiding things wasn’t always the answer, but I was relieved because I wasn’t ready to face him yet.

“Hey, Ha Jungyoon.”

“Ahhk.”

As expected, I shouldn’t have been so quick to feel relieved. At that “hey,” I immediately lowered my head. I almost made eye contact with Ha Jungyoon.

“Ha, that bastard rubs me the wrong way. You think he’s weird too after a week, right? That’s why you’re not sitting with him, right?”

“…That’s not it.”

“Yes, it is. I knew it from the moment he showed up at school in a foreign car as a freshman. Such a cocky freshman, showing off his money.”

Choi Taeyoung leaned closer and continued muttering in his irritating voice. His damp breath made me even more annoyed, but I couldn’t move.

I was afraid I might make eye contact with Ha Jungyoon if I moved even slightly. So, I spent the entire three-hour lecture staring straight ahead, trying to calm the turbulent waves crashing in my mind.

* * *

I had been on edge all day, anticipating that he might say something about that day, so as soon as I got home, I collapsed onto my bed, exhausted.

Ha Jungyoon didn’t approach me or speak to me, even though I was pretending not to notice him. He didn’t give me any hostile looks or subtle sneers that only I could see either.

Ha Jungyoon just acted as if nothing had happened.

“How can he do that?”

My voice was hollow with disbelief. I pulled up my hoodie slightly and glanced down at my body.

“Ah, shit!”

I immediately clutched my head. The reddish marks, remnants of that day, were still clearly visible on my body.

“This is driving me crazy.”

What made me even more frustrated was that the events of that day were shrouded in a thick fog. If I had some memory of it, even if it was just as painful, I wouldn’t be this frustrated. I could almost see it, but not quite. This was the first time I’d ever had a complete blackout.

Unable to bear the frustration any longer, I jumped up, sat cross-legged, and tried to retrace my steps from that day. I remembered going to have drinks with Ha Jungyoon. I even vaguely remembered the inside of the small pub.

It was quite nice. Enjoyable. Ha Jungyoon was easygoing, just like I’d heard. It wasn’t that he was overly kind or gentle, but he seemed like the type of person who would be fun to play games with, study with, play sports with, or travel with. The kind of person who would be welcomed anywhere, someone who would always be surrounded by people who wanted to be friends with him.

So, I think I told him at the pub that I regretted not getting closer to him during our freshman year. What did Ha Jungyoon say then?

“Ah, this is driving me nuts…”

No matter how much I replayed the events of that day and tried to searched through the fog in my mind, I couldn’t remember how I ended up at the hotel with Ha Jungyoon. Another sigh, a continuation of the sighs I’d been heaving since the weekend, escaped my lips.

“Haa….”

Even though I didn’t know what happened, one thing was certain. Ha Jungyoon wouldn’t have forced me to go to the hotel. That’s what was driving me crazy.