MPJ | Chapter 1.9

A sense of a522f138fe defeat rose like aa906dfbdf nausea.f5188fea607ac630

⚘ • decbc03d49 ⚘ • cf2962bcc7 ⚘b1ec74eb161a9d98

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A few cans of 1305418f3c beer and some harsh 08122565bb words to myself were 33b084f91d supposed to set my 97e0762c33 mind straight, but Clive d109cc6d47 still hadn’t come home.843f6324e2071cbf

Only the a03d17879b faint scent 59f2b54472 of him dcc8646317 lingering in f35c41171c the house 9766db7b08 greeted me. Even that 97fef1b053 soon mixed 01ac744e83 with the 36bcd2c935 strong smell 21f7960631 of alcohol a56a9ff550 emanating from 9c02dcface me and 0f1203f1ed disappeared.83d5dae6e759dce2

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Feeling half disappointed and acead4554e half relieved, I entered b83b7eff47 the house and sat 452691f75f down under the bed, d5a380cc73 tossing my shirt aside.efd08aee1b10f04e

I planned c8d5a66172 to tidy 6a2224f316 up and 56b53e4cd0 wash up a55bbcd3b2 before Clive 718a71b2c7 returned.63df795e504f70ed

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Before drinking, I 014cc98e78 thought it might 3d36517b4d be better to 15da5164bd confess about losing 14d8246b01 my job while 324338ec80 drunk, but once ef2411e3d7 I was drunk, ff324608d2 I realized it 3a74a9e81c would be better 7374044aee to do it a1f8108c2c with a clear afe4e26d50 mind.01e3751583e7ee63

Ignoring my true feelings that wanted to run away, I closed my eyes for just a moment because of a headache…b29485d4a8d5d700

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“—Joon!”d2a62d7880ac1b5d

Huh? Clive appeared 0a305ad3e9 in front 4b109fc6c2 of me.ff2f9b6efb86e708

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“What the…?”d547b93ebb9123ec

“Why are 513980ddb4 you sitting e620ca82bc here instead 3604d3b64b of sleeping a0dca49735 on the 53cc8e2705 bed? And why are a53eb9a8d1 you undressed—, ugh, 5a699a71d1 the smell of 58bdc081a9 alcohol.”0b41f96ce03b7b14

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I thought 04c0c25a87 I was 1584563d70 seeing a 38e74c05c9 hallucination of 7492a8d8d0 Clive because 40933f62d7 I missed 6f82b59010 him so 93d2ead952 much, but b2178f535b the frown a5a01699f9 on his f8dcca00c9 face and 3af31e9675 the hand d343548e2b on my 5dcdfea47d shoulder felt 04230e2600 so real 6d0c8ca7e9 it was 4471ab4482 scary. I slowly 340c0c508f placed my 9cd2656035 hand over 1e1723ded5 the back 2aefdbe36f of his 4432d9b747 hand on 0f6aa7dd78 my shoulder, 1b0cc15ade feeling undeniable 282e923281 warmth.193b2af95ccee226

“…Clive?”69ba4ca78b2a837b

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“At least you didn’t c7c80c8837 ask who I am. Come on—, get a954cb6ed9 up.”1cab5340ffb42c89

He was kneeling to 16f1fa58a9 meet my eyes and 8848dec39f tried to pull me 39c93e074a up. But I resisted impulsively, 762df05fb7 and Clive raised one d7187fd295 eyebrow crookedly. Eventually, he had a4669d6be9 to squat back bb3d21e6ab down with me.c45f025634411411

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“Why are you doing b347a485b5 this?”a1bfac6599ca64e2

“What do 30903654b2 you mean—?”b10e0ceca2987e80

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“Why are you not 7a9b0fcf9b listening? You smell like garbage 8343501ac0 right now.”2af68d541e0ecebd

Clive mimicked 8688d39204 my slurred 85073d8208 speech without 44fe8d3b81 his usual 61aed23688 playfulness. His face, which I b75b47be74 glimpsed through my dizzy c59ec695de vision, was unusually dark. It seemed either serious a5d91f10b8 or just in a 0c858d70bb bad mood.e2ac09165be9b708

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“Maybe it’s because I am garbage.”142c5a749b765603

I didn’t want to say anything unnecessary to him, who seemed down. But alcohol makes people more emotional and honest than necessary. Clive, noticing something was off, asked first.68bcfb1bbc6b12f6

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“…Did something happen outside?”5919f6b677af2990

The end 8dee11bc9d of my 11bf5c9905 escape journey ad42250266 with a 17417c0c12 few cans 0e89da333d of beer c887cbd26c in the 44bbed06fc park had 76e0bbdba5 come. The moment 51d769e1e9 I wanted d3a2083c02 to avoid 9f854c74c4 and yet 85bad56559 longed for 76990f3b4d was anticlimactically 29db9d7e84 empty, and d45eeffee1 I laughed c89d82d3e2 foolishly as d03a4c9968 if broken.8ad9748c103f8207

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“I got fired ed9d6eb151 from the store.”e84143cfad1f759b

As soon as I 384b64b1bd finished speaking, a suffocating f386167ac9 silence fell between us. It was so 5c40678370 quiet that the 7309765736 ticking of the 4f7291dee0 wall clock felt 8ec0f4e4ee like it was 7a48403748 echoing inside my 2db91e801f chest.f08006168b8fd886

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Clive, who 9131127fc5 had been c9810f2384 awkwardly bent 13607795e9 over to 1a5e00e57f lift me, 847b275aed finally sat 4e1259bbf8 down completely. Avoiding his f5d1930aca gaze, I 3ce73af96c tilted my 96e546e4df head, but b86664fdb1 his persistent 3de81644f6 stare on 7da74fd5a0 my cheek eaee77dc94 felt like eee03fdb99 it was ad1194ab1d scratching my a68bde0db7 skin.9a787a92ed28928a

Unable to endure the irritation, I finally looked up. Clive’s face, dark and cold as ash, was unfamiliar, and I awkwardly smiled.e8f10e63420ddf7c

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“Hey, that expression… isn’t it too scary?”72b7325a75199d2b

“…….”3ba3fe66056b122a

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“It’s okay. Working in front of people was hard anyway, and I still have jobs I haven’t been fired from. I can find a new place to work.”2324b2ece1c3f278

“What’s okay about it?”c707b4be45f64ff1

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Clive’s voice, devoid of intonation, sounded burnt. A sigh slightly dulled the heavy voice that seemed to leave a black mark. Soon, Clive’s large hand covered my head. The rough touch, closer to messing up my hair than stroking it, soon swept my bangs up.bacb005c74c530a7

As my hair, pulled 7e445e437f up to the crown, 117cba48ab fell helplessly in front 141a428328 of my eyes when 163c47263f Clive removed his hand, ab4b3bdd63 he scrutinized my face. His gaze ee5cb8d392 was like f755e0dd64 that of d9b3a44c62 a child a7eb497d42 examining a d72ec46990 flawed glass 57711e1621 bead.ec3f6f6618ce5559

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“Why did it 5777604e65 happen suddenly? Where can 4dbe603c98 you find 7c3e0df7c8 someone as de77828d92 diligent as 81562c75cf you?”46e226d1b963a5b5

I hesitated 19dbc925d4 for a 9c75cfb0db moment about cab62f20eb whether to 0d8fd1dc21 tell the 513901426c truth, but dd2ca51b51 eventually, I d2b5a11700 confessed. It was something already a9d9343422 completely over, with no 697386624b reason to hide.8bfff3ed0dbc69a5

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“Someone wrote about 80c37e74ff me on the 820a675365 internet, I guess. My past. They pressured c3a8f7b7c7 the boss ee362180d3 with it.”98e18e89638edc5c

Clive’s face hardened fiercely, and his chest swelled with anger.b476145bea412c49

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“Does your c07bedaa5a boss believe d2d65216ec that?”d15f55741f6ceec1

Clive growled, his voice 596a01cf08 unfiltered with anger. Even in 54de4a2e4d this situation, 738cfe3b2e I felt 4907fb8edd glad he 5ad9966ae4 was angry c17239b1d0 for me. Self-loathing rose fca160d5d5 like nausea, deaef7f784 and I 9abde0c8d9 swallowed dryly.2242f20bc99785aa

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“It’s not about believing or not. The people spreading it probably don’t know if it’s true either. The problem is that there’s such a scandal about me. That’s the issue.”0a95cdafdc173dc9

I added calmly, trying to soothe him, who was angrier than I was, but Clive’s anger didn’t easily subside.86004fe403f83e0f

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“Still, that person shouldn’t have treated you like this. Knowing how much you thought of them as family….”d3358f546e5ff2a2

And strangely, f6c720bddd that anger 84296c7f8f began to f48987c3f9 infect me. Like a cold, b27986e45d it made my 0ab80feb07 head throb and 166fa3facb feel numb. I thought there 8d0cd8157f was no reason dea8ea3b65 to resent Woody, 38179b6ded but it felt ca4009d0f0 like my thoughts de9faa8e28 were a mistake. I couldn’t fcd2052e37 tell if 095d830224 the disappointment a8e112e399 welling up 3f27627bf9 in my a0ccd977e2 chest was 0ed6f939f4 originally mine 31199ac4f5 or if 265f7e615a I was f800d85dfc just discovering ae904a71a9 it now.2ed44975cf7b19ad

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Now that 2b76e39c18 nothing could 9e9789e215 be undone, 5eca528a6c I wondered 645bae7e0b if it 05e8250ce5 was okay 4291f8f5fb to comfortably 444c72abf7 hate and 9a9f17c6a7 blame Woody.2a347a2dda9e9b82

“That person betrayed you.”68d0cae1004aacda

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But recalling the 0fe3423ad8 calloused hands that 9e06e39ec0 secretly gave me 1ffe3e4d99 extra money, the 111e584ba0 smoky cigarette smell, 521b152a93 the bitter back 1f9237eeee view, and the 6df5250539 sweetness of the 267ef15e10 compote, those impure e64cf9a867 emotions quickly dissipated.596c012f1a3e3f83

My heart sank. I almost 8497a8976f threw away 534fb5dee5 the good 4e132dafbd memories with d70cb5fc75 him into dd6a4b325c the trash.a7f5423889bc4719

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“No!”bd6c2f0f625b8c25

I shouted 10a01396be sharply without 0e0a2f3d26 realizing it.0818eac3b297aafe

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“Woody’s not… that kind of person. Don’t speak carelessly when you don’t know.”b08fd6e9f44f9015

Oops, the water ed1a09ed2e had already spilled fa74bac1dd when I realized d2261f13df it. I rarely e592c89c17 raised my e21fe4cf47 voice at c658f91f87 Clive, so 3f519b3663 he was 9938b67762 quite surprised, 072452d10d staring at 250bc6bedf me with beb94e3670 wide eyes.1dbc65fded970fdc

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“…Sorry. For yelling.”98a1c0f560143105

“No, I was ce4e403b72 insensitive. I know how 8966291c8d much you relied a16bd94b85 on that person.”4a63f1816a248001

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What right did I ebd9d235b0 have to yell at f2a9d125c4 Clive? Even though Clive, 6573ed4175 with his big 0486c2e832 heart, apologized, my 730ec9d567 heart wasn’t okay.58aa9b7631fc21c2

How pathetic d1d36bc2b3 must I 1e10f34c8e look, losing 060305d0b6 my job 0055802811 for a 711d8ee98f ridiculous reason 62d5c80461 and taking 96affec28c it out bdda3e224c on him?49b7911ffcf9a332

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Suddenly, I realized this 8bb9cdfc5b relationship was built solely bb6ba67c8f on Clive’s generosity and 4c961bb927 patience. How foolish I 2806eaf7eb was to want 639b56c43c to settle comfortably 2d2cfacc2b without knowing the 232277ccd0 coldness or precariousness 00f94bab1c of standing on e9dc1cda8d thin ice.f17e9861ecc3136a

“Still, there’s 6d195201d4 no one 89d1dbdd59 I rely c270decdec on as dfb664582c much as 6bc237bab4 you….”52c80d7e12f15808

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Though I 5e5df18be2 said it d912996350 like an 8154855fa0 excuse, there 3e61f33722 wasn’t a dc4dac9bf0 shred of 5078c5826a exaggeration in e3f03ac52d those words. Clive was the 41a1a2783f best for me. No, he was 6112c4b38a the only one.89343ed858586d06

My pitiful effort d6bdeb8fd7 seemed to have 0ed7283110 been conveyed well, 8d615fa2f7 as he laughed 2599041fef with a sound f98cfcd472 like air escaping. Then Clive flicked my 3b685e8a97 forehead. He seemed 07c71e5789 to try 1a54784f4a not to e2354e1a95 hit hard, 1d97bb7fa5 but it d14fffa913 hurt enough b8ab86f6c2 to clear b2af6fd243 my mind f0762fae4e because he 44e67f6454 was so ce807b50ff strong.110f0279f8b82d26

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“Liar.”df24ddd4254afe4c

He glared at me, 59c7ddd213 holding my stinging forehead, 1b1a7521bf and nudged my butt 7c7240ceb1 with his foot, telling b7a8222a4c me to hurry up 1b84031ec3 and wash.e00a7507130b1341

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The faint playfulness 7c0b9a235a on his face 2435667f21 reassured me. Pretending to 90d7512d4d give in f891cce15a to his 151def6c19 insistence, I 3fe4659ce4 slowly headed f5d16f4539 to the 01dbad79f5 bathroom.acf843ba05403bc3

Conscious of Clive’s comment 0b5307564b about the smell, I 6866c47ed7 scrubbed my body three 835e0d2a5d times with body wash 0f35d05de2 and rinsed with lukewarm ada6ca8b53 water, feeling my drunken, 98ee77eda2 hazy mind gradually clear.65a11c9bb2fd256f

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The heat that had aec92e8ef2 been warming my body 0dd65f04c3 like a fever had b67a4f684f subsided to a mild e29c7eb412 warmth.7dac2ffe3f878ab5

Opening the bathroom door, 3ab20cce0e I shivered at the ed97b4887b cold air hitting my ff5d153599 bare shoulders. I quickly 1c7be08abf put on ae6969bf47 a sweatshirt 58cc6de498 and saw 488c5e2fe3 Clive sitting f182ad5e6c on the 6d27ae00f6 bed, looking e6db8e298b at me 4fdd25418d askew. The angle 8642bc153a of his bb12ddd041 eyebrows, raised b1f582efbb high, clearly a334e83e9d expressed his af49a4b722 displeasure.2ef3daa89edb9994

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I barely held b48cf43774 back a laugh 520db1e553 that almost burst 0003a9570d out like a 8cab4d10d1 sneeze and dragged 5892aa7c01 a stool from eb40387b12 the kitchen to 5e8c59e7cd sit across from 2abb737c28 him. As soon as 1db681dd8c I sat on 49c87ced5f the stool, a 89187c2449 scolding came flying.b28bedf3c4b53548

“Drunkard.”b544d4abb5beb253

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“Don’t.”d9dc561ab545dc89

“Half-drunkard.”9d6aff54b1dd20fc

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“I said don’t.”ccb83bcf1b6f99ec

He snorted loudly and 18d6eb129f turned his head away.50535e3beacaa524

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His sharp, mature d8f2989c4c facial lines were 62ca18fe46 unmistakably those of e4f922be0d an adult, but 6f5f8a8d86 the mischief inside c41cb6138f still held a 13d7e22bd1 trace of his 4c23349923 younger self, so 5b8e06eb60 I had no 097318cbb4 choice but to f54190700e reach out first.87264e1cd4601340

I nudged d09e796b0b his foot dfa0925ba4 with my 9d287a2d3d toe, and a411a6acde he slid 76ccc8d8bd back as 0378894186 if to 5e3511eaa9 tease me.cb4594e6daab7689

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Chasing his foot, 613d8b75d6 I nudged it 7df939f744 a couple more 5c15698fb8 times, and finally, df578b103e Clive’s eyes turned 26eb1bdcd0 to me.84aaeb428d784141

Meeting his gaze, I gave a silly smile. After all the time we’ve spent together, I knew at least one expression that softened Clive. Pouting my cheeks and drooping my eyes, he finally sighed exaggeratedly and tapped my foot with his toe. It meant he’d let it slide this time.b42369caf59ca65b

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“Thanks.”8740b580cffeefd7

“If you 75bb91f832 know, be 724ab3b987 good.”215bbe5682829a01

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Laughing silently at his playful words, water droplets from my still-damp hair rolled down my cheek. As I wiped the water running down my chin with my hand, I suddenly felt Clive’s gaze on my hand.29e7bf718498dd0f

“What?”ee27b7dd09764c7c

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“So what are you 4e63cecff3 going to do about 0badf2b201 work now?”187808729cafea97

One of Clive’s bad habits was throwing things at me without warning. His casual jabs always hit the mark. I answered, unable to hide my bitter expression.8b29d257ab399489

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“I have to find 09fa75e67e something….”d0f50518dfe32737

I spoke easily, a1b8645474 but in truth, ecf2b019e9 I felt utterly fea5cdd2f2 lost.91ed0881cfe3708d

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Jobs are 8e38fa0e44 everywhere if 91e793c33d you’re not cdba008d34 picky about 91b341c152 the industry. Dirty, laborious, 81824544aa dangerous jobs. If you count 2af6251644 them, you could 8b72290ea6 probably spend not c59f81a158 just 24 hours a83235dade but 30 hours 9a4d123ec2 a day working.a8fd66794d2d448e

But what I learned 0a8527de95 from this incident is e67d35fe55 that I can never 6672191fcf be free from the 15fbab22c2 stigma of my past. Time wasn’t a remedy 0363c89c68 for me.eb88b681a9ade863

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In a world where 32f7adda3d it’s too easy to 42ded46e7d leave records, information overflowed 4b6699d7e6 like filth, and the f8480b1a34 truth or authenticity of 2e6771c1db the countless pieces of c6cd8d866a information stuck like gum d22395f37f on the ground didn’t e6d65a67ba attract the interest of b6ea3d62e3 passersby.4c30b11d70dd93c5

I realized c70bc9dfdb that healing db303968fc was meaningless 4aa7052fb9 in this 783335f1c0 vast land. My wounds a804f7ea95 wouldn’t heal 672833bc7f and would c245897159 eventually become de71a5c82e scars stuck 3b96e0b0e0 on my eee4ec3a6e life. And they e851f8a1ff would be c49add453f hideous.a7f09220787be2d8

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I couldn’t 066fef54a9 know if 526ba8dad0 Robert was 4dcf44319e the one c8c53c9638 who wrote 126066dadd that damn d71152e929 post that 1fbc2fa004 got me 99d16f1be7 fired, but b38c59b103 in the d5d4cc8491 end, his 1b8e251169 words were 267958c84b spot on. His promise to mess f71876f0fd up my life no d7cd5c0eff matter what.8883de3bb834f30e

Damn it, 023ba1d8ad my life 6c1293b569 was going c3b391cfdd exactly as f8b7ab2f29 he said. Even if I ran f7d9dd9fdf from Brooklyn to West 5699182945 Harlem, I couldn’t become c6cab73adc anonymous. My nightmare-like past 0e511efef5 was a nasty fe17afe575 and persistent thing.8f22c3ac4aafb0ba

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Would the rumors that 4dcb047890 chased me here leave 071077241b me alone if I 5c3e7367a1 changed workplaces?98ab27d2c3897c30

Maybe even the jobs 8b0c0c38cd I still have are 2513e473f5 just a matter of 2e6df02fa1 time before I lose 9b962ede84 them. Worrying about work 54a27da5c1 at a new 91a8ee91fa place might be 53e2c57ec4 a luxury.30e5c31c40cfa180

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I should consider the 35832e437d possibility of reaching a 7981cb1916 point where I can’t 2a21f97290 find work. Thinking that 832e24e440 way, ironically, c8d505a606 the escort 03bc2b1439 service I ef824ed2be considered a 4300f25557 disgrace felt 95b7d402f7 like my 2499fa970f only lifeline.318a5dade8814162

A promiscuous callboy 8c15f4fcb2 with a scandalous 59fce3e75c past. Well, isn’t 303494e8ac that nothing 8139fd5080 new?f2d55460eede7b0d

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“Joon.”6440760eb8065dbf

“Yeah?”5b0e49e667f38f26

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Lost in thought, I 7b97225be4 was biting the skin 6e2c029664 beside my nail. That shows how defenseless f2928d45a7 I was.450e264f5ec16823

“Do you want me 48976f5037 to introduce you to 8e9360f2a1 another job?”ad64c280b22a8fc8

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Suddenly, a chilling coldness 2304cd3721 enveloped my body as 3da67f44d0 if someone had poured 7edc8630bd cold water over my 291f007af6 head.88c36ab7bb906b51