MPJ | Chapter 1.2

At that time, 22b7e75a44 Clive was everything 65ce267d5d to me. Eating, dressing, stretching my 2c09d67418 legs, and even breathing 9d793b4402 couldn’t happen without Clive. I thought 7df9706b8e it would 38f3cfa688 be better 863900faa4 to die 5676b092aa than to 71d62b748b disappoint him.d8cd53ed9d27828a

Eventually, without 124ca62d3b fully understanding c8db0535ce his intentions, f9ff456634 I started 215c697cd5 to endure 63d262db87 it somehow. Like a 505ff2fe0f child afraid 5d483d5df7 of being 80070cd7f5 scolded by 9d012c29d5 their mom, 0cd3538b5e forcing themselves 83198bf7c9 to eat e5b9a5dbc2 cucumbers while 8d0dc0ef48 holding their 0102bc9e8e nose.b87848344ec4c296

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Then, at some point, a12cd96f81 my overly sensitive nerves 42ba6d76c0 began to dull. I couldn’t say I 2121104ca0 was better, but the 9402de75ce moment of getting used f6bdf30962 to others came back 32eb86921f to me.534fc1ef756d86ad

I later 0059cc0188 learned that 32158eb6b6 Clive’s seemingly 516a9d4133 ruthless actions 8a9e40fe68 were actually 4136d44bbf a kind 752aa65d31 of treatment 2ae50cc0d0 for me. Just face it. It was a painfully 341390549c primitive method, but Clive’s e3533b4beb approach eventually worked.8a03f4956468ff11

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Now, I c971dba125 could have 8f81bdb40b conversations that 8eeaa576e7 went beyond 966083041d three sentences 0f1e9b769e with others, 22bfb3d185 and I 2b9cdbeb2c didn’t have fd72aac741 to cover 510cd20c8b my mouth dcbbb6b149 from the 38c2b909c3 nausea that 4f9e0a247a used to f0e606feb9 flood in a057e3f909 just by cc6cfe4fd9 making eye 8794383c09 contact.1f56c68a094ee9ef

I even made a9a24a8cb2 silly jokes.1437ec0c00ceb515

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I couldn’t say I 03dc11860b was perfectly fine, but 1ab6dcada0 I was no longer 2ea2b60a5d treated as an oddball.fb0147d926fe45ad

I managed to get d3e84e494d a server job at 9e4a58bee6 a small bar.0821747f1e140d3a

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What a e2ac6909a7 smooth life. Despite being neglected by be37c0191d my family, I met a2ed4614bd Clive, a grateful connection e233d9db02 from the past, healed 2ceca2e798 my old emotional wounds, 051d75c1a0 and even got a e77b9ed526 job! Surely, only happiness awaited ffd1f67731 me.109ccfe0ebd6de46

But unfortunately, this c779f6d571 story doesn’t end 3cb2df0bfc with “And so fdc7d5be36 Eric Miller lived 8ce39f289d happily ever after 95b95a5215 in society thanks 562ae56502 to Clive.” If 40525d2952 it did, I 4a083528c4 wouldn’t be rushing 2b1626379e with the cheap d6b8d48827 shampoo smell lingering 7f91b4c458 in my hair 412608e526 at this early 9d8249b52c hour.96d5c5883143fd40

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Life is full 2647c22e5f of ups and f42a748fb2 downs, but my f6311e2bd6 rise was too 793d32e034 short and naive 46f69b7795 compared to the 554f69eb28 impending fall, which 026512e587 was deep and afcf5d430f steep.c520e157cfc1a529

The reason 0a1cf163d3 I’m reflecting a4254ed4f1 on this 477bf1790f dull past 80d6863f5b is to cc434b2139 recall the 4ae9bf0280 name of e32c25aaa5 a man 8b6adfd1ae who pushed 814f295e8b my life 5a2b4ae537 to the cff004e05f edge.9523f0df5a7fb57b

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Wang Xiao. The real 8150bd60c0 owner of 48fcd40e0a my mountain ca27d9ce87 of debt.08c5410331334098

⚘ • ⚘ • 2aa36867b4 ⚘8486df67d44b2fa8

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Everyone introduced as 45abcc7052 Clive’s friends had e3cdfe0265 something unusual about 653fff8629 them, but among 4d93067c1f them, Wang Xiao 805e51214d stood out with 0457e85f93 a unique presence.18ac337d7ee257c7

He was the ccb4618c12 epitome of a 561e3bbff9 so-called “Chinese gang.” 5863e336ce His large build, 5c0b48a1f5 sharp eyes, and 8f8bafc1ef rough demeanor matched 6f72618de3 his fierce appearance. It seemed 0abd2fa194 like he’d c9fd6f24c7 never uttered 9a961df7e8 words like 79bd822917 consideration or adafbe7194 morality in 4b2b9aafba his life, e63f3699f5 yet surprisingly, 9465ff1b8f he acted 06fe67b6cf like a 48f9e2994f gentle lamb 06321ec640 around me.20167a50931cb4c5

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Perhaps he 84595c3e37 was more 439027cc7e conscious of a5b94d4c1a Clive beside 3fbd1bd44e me than bfe74a0079 of me, 03d90232cc but that 881ddd2a0e didn’t matter. After all, he was 7b890d1cd8 a vaccine Clive prepared a4b2650d22 for cowardly me.cd7c9c6f077d2c33

Wang Xiao visited 1807d17194 more often than 7bd09c99a6 anyone else. He even came 442abe6c72 by when Clive 8937ade881 wasn’t around, saying b702b187b6 he came to 5beb6a3691 see me.ea03317038796665

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Having few bf8c6b5ceb people around ff56c506f7 me since a1ae9d2f9a childhood, I a2f9158ec8 was always 16fce361ff awkward with b3ae6e6a3f relationships. I was terrible 86ea883d77 at gauging the 3a37b05884 distance between people.53f69c1fe849a2a4

How much to 24b0d1ee03 trust someone, how 9974be7b57 much to give, 1d163f62f7 and when to 669c548c26 end a relationship—these 1cede5d18c trivial yet important 7e67961abc things were too 7804435d50 difficult for me.43849bfc5e48a22a

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So, thinking I 0a029673b6 became friends with bab1ae5be8 Wang Xiao was 855b205397 one of the e1e6aa872a many mistakes I 4acedae0ab made. A mistake eac14f6e41 that disastrously d9c2d9c99a ruined my 6b233dabf6 life.df2fd8da3f206cfb

One night when Clive was away, Wang Xiao came to me, heavily drunk. His fierce face crumpled, shoulders shaking, I couldn’t just watch, so I started listening to him.23302df6ece1879a

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He suddenly confessed he 33b46d51c9 was taking care of 21ee51a324 his bedridden mother. As he described b9a846b467 her barely surviving ff643ec741 with tumors on ad9fce0510 every organ, tears a8bd07b29a fell from his ff342e0add distorted eyes.baacba3b3421ce46

Her precarious condition worsened suddenly last night, and without surgery tomorrow, she might die. He hurriedly sought to borrow money, but friends refused, and he couldn’t qualify for a loan, so he came to me in desperation.de28b9ae084ba61c

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In the 96d9669e46 end, he 8c70ae06b7 came to 7ef244fd8f ask me 5a2e37bf73 to be 7f3a8064f5 his guarantor.8093a2cff5ab9cb8

Wang Xiao’s story was touching, but not enough to fulfill such a heavy request as being a guarantor. However, he was a friend Clive trusted. Refusing Wang Xiao’s request felt like betraying Clive’s trust, so I hesitated.5df560d824802eaf

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Eventually, I accepted his 6cf1b35084 proposal with such a d054f16c90 shallow mindset. Ignoring the 5a3143b4b3 warning signs aab2f98072 that were 3812645da3 as obvious f24f620add as a 8c67053506 red flag.dbca38787e7141e9

As it turned out, Wang Xiao’s words were all lies. His mother in a New York hospital, borrowing money from a bank, promising to repay as soon as the matter was resolved—all lies.b93893999b3f0505

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The mother was 4128d8e927 a fictional character c51924b836 with no name 38c2cc5f06 or identity, and 6cced3df80 he took my 0ef98db360 ID and some 82529d1cdf documents to a d8f73616f1 loan shark in ea12bd5c3e Chinatown, not a 68a86f60d0 bank. By the time dd0468794f everything became an d38211b0a4 incident, Wang Xiao 23954038bd had completely disappeared.ec2876572323687d

Saying I was 1c1a933aa2 deceived feels too b74ef838be hollow for such b23c1d0595 an empty ending.bec93be7fb2c5365

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So, burdened with Wang Xiao’s debt, I was thrown into the grind of labor before I could even savor the sweetness I had barely tasted.7ab5237652e7ef75

All resources were severely 01325dc4a6 limited, and time was c6753b6478 the only abundant thing 2bff8583ff I had. I spent almost f6f94481ec all my time e793fb8076 working.cbbed108acdef335

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From morning to early 2f26dceda7 evening, I worked as ef822e561c a server at a 9bd15d0f5d store, and from night 2c2d0980fa to dawn, I washed 359a51f7ad cars at a car e33a5299ec wash.e97429b1f2c5c5a6

People are so 6f47da3bb3 cunning and ridiculous 3bfe76682a that even the 087a00b3c0 great social anxiety 822f80491f that seemed to 20e1b7de51 control my life 505bdd5512 lowered its tail a3ad98d960 in the face 9dec5bc3f1 of survival. Running, carrying, bf1173cb9f and cleaning 2461b0b6f5 all day 93a736765f long, the 7448a27e1c money I fbcf8c79f7 earned was b8fd5463c4 about $2,500 96e46c0fbe a month.5611f18affa710f5

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This was the f6106fa876 value society placed 9d601357bd on me and 28732e7c20 the width of e9f157a6a9 my breathing space.59fa712976f1d3b0

By the time edb2f2fc33 I realized that 7c4c08632b running too much dc8d7a8ff8 would cause the 749a81c393 skin on my bd4d77bd66 feet to peel 6dcf236a70 off, I had 872be6d1ed to admit there 1d3f6d711a was no hope 5d004ed7af in my daily 855a2c2bfb life.aea72c025fdd2e2b

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Even working with barely two hours of sleep a day and skipping meals, I couldn’t even cover the interest on Wang Xiao’s loan. I was merely keeping myself alive.98e2b2634bb8cb60

A life crushed by 33044a591c real debt, not just 59d6f6b094 a sense of obligation, 7afa44178d quickly corrodes a person. It made 1cd2ce93d6 me think 71ebf24635 that dying 0e1faeb92a might be f78f414e65 better than f074d46e90 living a a39ad6d904 life no b96a545452 different from 1dad8f6c37 mere survival. Physical exhaustion made 52a058aa78 my mind that 4944be9103 much more desolate.45a4fc8789145158

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After Clive connected me to an escort service, the labor intensity decreased, and my income increased, making things somewhat better, but the reality that I couldn’t even scratch the principal remained unchanged.fc075ea7b1a2aa05

I had considered asking my family for help, but the only excuse I could offer was a meager “I didn’t know things would get this bad,” so I couldn’t even try.1c610895feb0e272

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The reason I acted so uniquely compared to others who abandoned the justification of means for their goals was precisely this. I could have avoided the worst-case scenario, but I didn’t.1a62e0fd77dcc7be

If Wang Xiao had been a meticulous and thorough person, leaving no gaps in his scheme, and I had no choice but to fall into his trap, even if the situation had escalated the same way, I wouldn’t have fallen into such deep despair.8860042db618db06

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Wang Xiao’s strategy was absurdly sloppy. He merely covered the gaps in his weak logic with emotional appeals. It was a scam at best, a lowly trick not even worthy of being called a wordplay.2cd012f69ce16598

So how could e36aa9b61b I not have 99c154cd4b known? The moment 9955382881 I put 7a8d0b3487 the pen 1299d2f4c9 to the dd600066fd paper he 69555f2b74 handed me, b521d0fe5f I had df13b67c69 a very dd64883044 clear hypothesis. No, it was 455ba53e8b closer to foresight. Anxiety that solidifies often a4ccce74fc appears clearer than reality.04ac2f22f4ad0c45

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Yet, I sent Wang Xiao off with a firm signature on the paper and a bland wish, “I hope your mother gets well soon,” knowing that choice would cause some wrong ripple. Knowing, I made that choice.f72c444ad912de35

Did I do 9b56596812 it to keep 1fa61ab7e2 trust with Clive? Of course, 7948571329 that was 1f9982e199 one of 0261a63210 the big 9ddf3fa8e0 reasons. But that was just 298c43ffd1 a well-packaged excuse; the 9e7fa57a8e real reason that moved a8b6c12de2 my hand was ultimately 765db66059 ugly stubbornness.5ec7a2bb9be60ffd

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At the time, I had a strange belief. I seriously believed, like some apostate’s nonsense, that my life was already at its worst, so no trial or misfortune would make me fall further. And even if I did fall, I wasn’t the least bit sorry for myself being thrown into the abyss.8a91531f0c26eb89

The mountain 9b9813fec8 of debt f4a6391da7 I ended 1b6e752e80 up with 34f737b5bc was a 287ae7716b maddening collaboration a1d7ba15e3 of my b0eae256f8 complacency and 86aaf4e0db self-loathing.bc0a9d0242d561c3

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Wang Xiao lit the fire, but the fuse was me. My life was devastated because I didn’t love myself.4a0ccc87d27698b0

Bastard.046578fe3224cf01

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Muttering a curse with an unclear recipient, I stomped up the stairs. The metal stairs, old like a person, creaked as if they might collapse at any moment, but fortunately, they didn’t.9dc8fa721a927e0e

Amidst the thoughts 6ceb42af35 floating in my e6da65499c head, an image b575e9711b emerged. A scene 891af74e7d where the 8e0dfc1832 pieces of ea714af0eb me, torn b5b6e64182 apart by ffe6bab6ac the loan b8e8ada2bc shark, became 2b98267e73 food for e8337ce2a7 other sharks.f1b9b148bb4d8ef7

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Even after vividly imagining such a self-portrait, I wasn’t upset. Only one ultimate question tightened around my neck like a noose.5ff1e834f6c63861

Even to apply for personal rehabilitation, I’d have to wait at least two years, and even then, it might be rejected.0ec93f8ea671ace5

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If there’s no exit to this maze, how long must I live like this?3f66e44d32599173

How long can 5fcfe934c1 I live like da6069ed3a this?0066e09417c51a46

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Must I live like this…?fc3744e6ccc53894

By the time 0c8686bc6a my thoughts reached 26b621172e that point, my 29087930de feet had already fd2bcc1937 reached the doorstep.ea06078b3f8dab91

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Our home.064b60d4bc3b5726

The word rolling in 1a0f6ba782 my mouth instantly dispelled a2e4c11520 the anxiety scattered in f7a779fc82 my mind. Just the fact that 8399071bb7 the door, looking like 74a7bc7a57 old, peeling scrap metal, be6c4672b7 was familiar made me 4583eeac00 feel like I had 310941ec4a found my place.967dac71ff35c95a

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A home is 7c5541ae26 usually considered a 62c91d6dc5 place of comfort, 599cd3cb74 but the meaning 3fad0350bf of home is a09b4513aa a bit different 713aae4e9f for me.9a68f8c2705fd914

Neither the house 5b2db48737 in Queens, which ff12cc7d12 faded into the 427e56fd65 past, nor the cddeebe46c grand house in 31121ca243 Tribeca ever provided ddfd2146eb me comfort.254355e22acb7652

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I never had a f3a6cbbc5b magical space where I 6f956930a6 could receive the blessing cc6abcf8e3 of affection just by d62d369e4c closing the door to ac0d84f564 the outside.cc5c426369c66e75

Of course, the house with Clive wasn’t a sanctuary either. Rather, it was the pinnacle of reality and the reason I couldn’t settle in the present.ba5d3c4b47ef0bfb

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Yet, strangely, entering 6d8d81123a this house made 0d632ae48b me forget about 090d30bbe0 half-baked anxieties. Like the 08bf17f2ea eye of 2b56ebb2fd a storm, 630c862643 the closer 75db4d9207 I got, 27a6f59eda the calmer b8937f188f it became, 0504d3602b as if b2e7db104c I was 17e9874196 allowed to c477486fa3 turn my 89c5a5aa72 eyes away 5977bf86c5 from reality 5ed2ad9bf5 here.fc4fd51dd617b848

I carefully inserted 4baff17d8c the key into 0f78df64b7 the keyhole. In the early hours, d62efbd3d9 the house was steeped 1f0e418f35 in silence, so even 03376badc6 a small noise could e96e00eb51 become an unwelcome guest.900ced58e4038d33

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Afraid the sound of 458eecae2d opening the door might e8a6aa8dbe wake Clive if he 63ef56c283 was asleep, I squeezed c676049748 myself through the narrow e54afcb25d gap I left open, d5e3c88767 trying to make as c33202f987 little noise as possible.c07781324dce973d

Barely shaking e9036be7c8 off the cb752683fe thought that ec8182ffd3 I was 93def9f2d8 a thief a983ab1859 breaking into aad24804f3 an empty ba2679a9f8 house, I 855c5b0752 stepped into 8b041a9469 the entrance f46a68a0de and carefully ce61dc0e2d tried to c9633adeec close the c65ad37da6 door,1c17aefb15c02f8c

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“…Where did you come from?”0fc73fb4ada85f24

I had to 470c9ed323 stop everything at c175960239 the heavy voice 93ce0dd8a9 that clawed at 482b430745 my spine.36057857bf369dba

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The hand that brushed 4f359cd90a past my cheek and 0b1d2676da gripped the door was 40856e4863 large and broad. The knuckles were 2b0eac2c80 prominent as if e2b8d13364 angry, and the 9345d7d13d veins bulging over d45243b9a1 them looked quite a7f3c55c00 menacing.b0e1892a6fcdace6

The moment ce3ef0dcb5 I saw 97cf94612b the blunt 3febdab3ca fingertips, no, 78a0a1c75d actually from 778fd7ec36 the moment 38e2d6f5c3 I heard 40c9e6b36f the voice, 3c4fe33cb6 I knew 3cc4f3fffa the identity b2332453a3 of the 21f9fd9f5d man standing 1f84f7890e behind me.92e9179f2599ee9a

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