AA Chapter 3 || Stay here

The child had frequently experienced severe abuse in foster homes.

He had grown accustomed to being beaten and believed his body might ache but his heart had grown calloused. However, today the child acknowledged that this wasn’t the case.

The child burst into tears from the sorrow and pain he experienced after a long time, or perhaps for the first time.

“W-Where, hic, I was supposed to, hic, stay…”

The child leaned his cheek against Tennessee’s shoulder, who was notably quiet to the point of being cold. The tears wouldn’t stop. He just felt miserable. After being embraced  by Tennessee, his sorrow actually intensified. The child burst into loud sobs.

He had always hidden in closets, crying silently in some corner of the house. The fierce crying now erupted uncontrollably, making all the previous times he had had to suppress it seem meaningless. The child who had been sobbing lifted his head at the gentle patting on his back. Tennessee was holding him quietly with that usual expression of his.

“Those, sob, men, they-”

“I know.”

Tennessee interrupted the child’s tearful words. Leaving the car behind, Tennessee roughly pushed the corpse into a sewer drain next to the empty lot.

How strange that there was a sewer near the car. What an odd coincidence, the child thought while still shedding tears. Tennessee’s tone was as calm as usual, which gradually helped the child regain composure.

Tennessee opened the back door. The window was broken and the seat was a mess. Clicking his tongue, Tennessee opened the passenger door and pressed his hand more firmly on the child’s back. But the child quickly shook his head.

“No. I won’t let go.”

“Let go.”

“No, you left me behind, you left me and I almost got kidnapped.”

“I need to move that into the car, so let go.”

The child’s eyes fell on what Tennessee was pointing to – ‘that’ was one of the kidnappers Tennessee had shot.

“You can just push it into the sewer like the others.”

“That one’s not dead.”

Hiccup.

The child, who had thought until just now that it was dead, hiccupped. As if proving Tennessee’s words, a faint groan could be heard.

“I still don’t want to.”

The child said stubbornly. He tightened his grip around Tennessee’s neck and rested his chin on his shoulder. Another sigh slipped past. Although he was afraid of being scolded, the child felt wronged. His cheek hurt, and his shoulder, legs, arms – everything ached and throbbed. He might not be able to get up tomorrow. Yet Tennessee was trying to make him let go.

“If you listen to what I say, you won’t want me to hold you.”

Still clinging, the child shook his head. These solid arms supporting him. This embrace that felt like a fortress. He experienced these things for the first time. How could he possibly not want them?

Tennessee closed the passenger door and leaned against the car.

“I knew you were going to be kidnapped.”

Holding the child with one arm, Tennessee pulled out a cigarette with his other hand. The child blankly watched his lips close and the red light ignite. The cigarette end soaked in fire suddenly looked like a burning fuse.

“I left you here to get kidnapped. You were the bait.”

Just like when he was slapped earlier, his thoughts momentarily stopped. Like a bomb had gone off beside him, there was a brief moment of silence before he quickly returned to reality. The child leaned weakly against Tennessee’s shoulder.

“Get down. Get down and be angry. I’ll listen.”

When he lowered his upper body and opened the passenger door, the child’s hands fell away limply. The child sat in the passenger seat and fastened his seatbelt.

Tennessee didn’t look long at the child whose expression had been washed away, and turned around. He opened the back seat and moved the groaning man with careless hands. The man whose skin was roughly cut by broken glass made a faint moaning sound. Tennessee searched his waist to remove the gun, and bound both hands with zip ties.

There was the sound of duct tape being torn. The child just sat listening to Tennessee moving swiftly.

‘I knew you were going to be kidnapped.’

…Yet the tears wouldn’t come.

Tennessee soon got into the driver’s seat after covering the bloodstains to hide the traces. The engine started and the car began to vibrate slightly, making the dark empty lot to blur. The car moved not too quickly. The child couldn’t gather his thoughts.

“…Why did you do it?”

The child barely managed to speak.

“Someone was targeting you to lure me.”

“What was your plan?”

“If you got kidnapped, I was planning to follow. Find out where the person targeting me was staying.”

“…But I didn’t get kidnapped.”

“Right.”

Soon there was a tunnel. It felt like being poured into another world, cut off from reality, suspended. Yellow lights poured down along both sides of the round ceiling. The view was covered in light. There was a strange sound.

“Why didn’t you leave me? You said you were going to let him kidnap me.”

“…Just because.”

The child cried occasionally. Unlike earlier when it had burst forth, the tears now quietly rolled down his cheeks. In the familiar silence, the child only tried to hide his tears.

Tennessee’s fingers held a cigarette as he opened the window. The child buried his face in his palms. He had called out Tennessee, Tennessee! He must have seen all of him in that helpless state. He must have been waiting while seeing his pain like someone checking an oven and timer. It made him feel miserable.

“–.”

The child who had been sobbing looked up after a word was said, but he didn’t catch what he said. However, Tennessee didn’t repeat it. Did he say he’s sorry? The child considered this plausible assumption. Yes, it must have been an apology. What else could he have said?

As soon as he had that thought, the child felt an intense sense of betrayal and anger that made his vision turn red. After putting me through this, is a mere apology enough? Is saying sorry enough after he planned my pain? The child was about to shout with this anger he felt.

But suddenly, his mind was invaded by the image of those who had collapsed like puppets with cut strings. He remembered hearing rough breathing when he had been quietly holding his breath, when he had curled up trying to protect himself.

Tennessee had been breathing heavily. His rough inhales and exhales had come like a storm. He too had a limit, a moment when his composure broke. And it was because of him.

Even though he had said he planned to let him be kidnapped, he had come back. Again. For his sake. The child shook his head.

“So, are you okay now, Tennessee?”

“Who knows. We’ll have to find out.”

The child realized that Tennessee had twisted his plan and that had made things more complicated than before. And he thought about why he had twisted the plan. Before recklessly getting angry again, the child said as his last hope,

“What if I had died?”

In the quiet car, the child waited for an answer. Tennessee flicked away his cigarette butt and replied curtly.

“That wouldn’t have happened.”

Idiot, the child called himself. Tennessee was someone who had carelessly thrown him out as bait. Why would he care about Tennessee going back for him? He had realized he was just something he might throw away at any time, yet somehow his boiling resentment was gradually subsiding.

He was certainly an idiot, a fool who deserved such treatment, a pushover in the truest sense of the word. And yet…

“Are you going to use me as bait again now?”

“No.”

“What about in the future?”

“…I won’t.”

Tennessee’s words clearly seemed like continuing apologies. Maybe he was definitely a fool, and despite what he said, he might push him into danger again, but-

Suddenly he thought maybe that wouldn’t matter.

Even when he left me alone, he had come running to me, and maybe even if there’s a next time, perhaps it won’t end the same way, perhaps he will hug and comfort me again – such foolishly optimistic thoughts began to unfold.

Am I resigning myself to this? The child, used to giving up, thought blankly. He was a child accustomed to giving up and falling exhausted from the unreasonable treatment he received. However, he recognized that this felt different from such powerless submission.

“Didn’t I tell you not to trust people?”

Unlike usual, Tennessee’s voice lacked its typical bluntness. This was clearly Tennessee’s way of apologizing. Though Tennessee hadn’t actually apologized, the child became convinced of this.

“…Then can I trust you now, Tennessee?”

“…No.”

“I’m going to trust you anyway.”

The child stubbornly looked ahead. You planned it, but didn’t you also save me?

The child intended to remember only his saving hand.

He had endured endless, meaningless violence his whole life. The plastic cup used for spitting chewed tobacco. That’s exactly what he had always been. Have I gone crazy? Even after all this, he couldn’t bring himself to hate Tennessee.

***

The place where Tennessee stopped the car was a shabby warehouse. There were two old sofas and one metal chair. Everything hurt, so the child lay down on the sofa. He curled up to prevent groans from escaping. Gradually, the back of his eyes and throat became hot.

Maybe I have a fever coming on, the child thought with his hazy mind just as Tennessee approached after firmly securing the bleeding man to the metal chair.

The child opened his eyes at the touch on his forehead. Come to think of it, though it had felt like being doused with cold water, he remembered how nice it had felt in his arms.

“It hurts, Tennessee.”

As he groaned, the presence moved away, then approached again with footsteps.

“Take these.”

Something dry touched his lips. It was several pills. There was also a water bottle.

The child struggled to sit up and grabbed the water bottle. Though he had definitely felt pain until just now, moving hadn’t been difficult.

It hadn’t been even 30 minutes since he lay down, but he couldn’t put strength into his hands. Even trying to grip made his entire arm ache up to his shoulder. As the child, cheeks flushed with fever, swallowed back a sob, Tennessee opened the cap and held it to his lips.

The child drank the water desperately. Each sip wetted his throat sweetly as if he had crossed a desert. Above all, the water bottle that Tennessee carefully tilted and his his gaze watching over him covered him like a blanket.

“It hurts so much.”

“I know. Lie down.”

Is this a dream…? The child thought hazily. This was the first time Tennessee had shown such gentle words and actions.

In his confused state, the child lay down as Tennessee guided him.

What kind of medicine is it? Pain killers? Fever reducers? Various thoughts wandered around. Perhaps because he was too busy thinking, whining that wouldn’t normally come from the child’s mouth escaped.

“I’m cold.”

After confirming that the man tied to the chair hadn’t regained consciousness yet, Tennessee bent one knee. The child was shivering. From what he could briefly tell, he had no serious injuries. Still, if the fever didn’t go down, he would need to go to the emergency room.

“Open your mouth.”

When he gently grasped the small chin, the child weakly opened his lips. Tennessee put inside his finger and checked each tooth one by one. Mmph. Although the child groaned, none of the teeth were loose. However, his cheek was already beginning to swell. By tomorrow, it would swell more and be more bruised.

“Spread your arms.”

Though he was paying attention to the child, it wasn’t his sole focus. Recalling the glass window, Tennessee brought his hands together. One by one, he ran the edge of his hand between the child’s neck and shoulders, between the armpits, and between the thighs. It was a method medics used to check for bleeding in soldiers injured by shock waves or shrapnel during combat.

No blood came off on his hands. If there had been severe bleeding, he would have collapsed on the way here, but he still wanted to check for any other bleeding. Keeping the child’s arms spread, Tennessee removed his dirty shirt. The child rustled weakly, moving as Tennessee directed.

Tennessee clicked his tongue. Now he could see that the arm was dislocated. Yet he hadn’t said anything about it the whole time, and had even used this arm to cling to his neck. The adrenaline must have prevented him from feeling the pain.

“Clench your teeth.”

He forcibly sat up the struggling child. When he grabbed his shoulder and arm, he showed slight signs of resistance.

“This will hurt. But not for long.”

Before the child could resist, he reset the arm in one swift motion.

“Hnngh…”

Unable to even scream, the child lowered his head. He sobbed quietly, not even trying to wipe away his tears. In that moment, Tennessee felt an indescribable emotion.

He looked up at the ceiling for a moment. The voice that had desperately called out to him while clutching his head. Something akin to a sense of defeat, as if having abandoned some fate, arose inside him. What’s this feeling?

As if the child’s helplessness had transferred to him, Tennessee lowered his gaze with slumped shoulders for the first time. Something lightly touched him. It was the child’s hot forehead.

Didn’t he ask me to hug him tight? Tennessee stretched out both arms. He embraced the child that was radiating warmth. It hurts. The feverish child mumbled.

“My cheek, and arm… Tennessee, it hurts.”

He rubbed his forehead, now damp with cold sweat, against him.

“Pat my head…”

Sitting on the sofa, Tennessee did just that. Leaning against the backrest, Tennessee gazed at the white back like it was the sun. He wasn’t sure anymore. Tennessee had seen countless humans fall apart like this, losing screws one by one until their destruction. Sometimes it was family, sometimes ambition, money, power, and sometimes lovers. The downward slope begins the moment you make an exception for something you’re fixated on.

However, while patting the feverish child’s head, a thought crossed his mind.

So what. So what if it’s a bit rough, it will only be for a while anyway. So what if the child makes me rusty, I haven’t lived this carelessly just so I’d die at the hands of some clueless kid gang.

So Tennessee sat there for a long while, stroking the child. Soon he confirmed that the fever was going down.

It’s not like he’d be taking care of him forever, he could just shoulder this burden a little longer, finish the job, and then send him away. There was no need to kill him. Tennessee thought he had been too sensitive, too focused on trying to find his own peace.

Moreover, the body curled up in his arms now was that of a child. Tennessee remembered his past. The children of Afghanistan and Iraq. After taking so many lives, wouldn’t it be okay to stubbornly save just one?

Tennessee stroked the child’s forehead again. The fever had subsided. The child had fallen asleep with his forehead pressed against his chest. Tennessee laid the child, now heavier as he was unconscious, on the sofa. Replacing the dirty shirt with his own blazer and buttoning it up made him look better.

After carefully examining the child, Tennessee turned around. The man tied to the chair had been conscious and watching him for a while. He had been shouting something, but the duct tape prevented it from being heard. He must have been convinced now that the child meant something to Tennessee after seeing him hug and comfort him, but it didn’t matter. He wouldn’t be leaving alive anyway.

As the child opened his eyes, it felt more painful than ever before. Because of the tears he shed the night before, his eyelids wouldn’t open properly, and for a moment, a foolish anxiety that he might have lost his sight overwhelmed him.

“Wait.”

While struggling to try to open his eyes despite his eyelids feeling like they might tear, a familiar voice stopped him. Soon, fingers moistened with water touched his eyelids. They gently wet both eyes. The child, who had been blinking intermittently, opened his eyes. When he tried to put strength into getting up, an extreme pain washed over him.

“If it hurts, keep lying down.”

Despite the objection, the child stubbornly got up and looked around. The last thing the child remembered was a shabby, gloomy warehouse. He remembered the smell of rusty iron too. But now looking around, things had changed. The child turned his head. Instead of the old sofa, white bed sheets wrinkled beneath his palm.

“Where is this? How long did I sleep?”

“A day and a half.”

The child had slept for over 36 hours straight. He did briefly open his eyes at times, but fell back asleep after just a few seconds.

When Tennessee checked, the child’s injuries weren’t serious. He checked several times since the child wouldn’t wake up properly, but besides bruises and swelling, there were no major injuries. He could only guess that it was due to accumulated fatigue that had built up, along with the psychological shock.

“What about that man?”

Tennessee shrugged. He didn’t feel the need to describe those dirty details to the child.

“What happened with the job?”

“I’ll handle it.”

There had been quite a harvest. He was able to hear about the exact relationships of those who had turned against Alejandro. Most gangs typically had rival organizations. Tennessee had already planned how to stage Alejandro’s death.

Tennessee hadn’t wasted a single minute out of the 24 hours. He disposed of the body, erased traces to prevent tracking, and handled the car without a hitch. All that was left was to put it into action, but he had returned to the hotel because he was concerned about the child who was completely unconscious.

Tennessee unpacked what he had brought. A savory aroma spread as he took out containers filled with barbecue, sauce, and coleslaw. By the time he took out the wrapped hamburger buns, the child had already moved from the bed to the table.

As soon as he handed over the disposable fork and knife, the child dove in ravenously. Although he had been given an IV injection about 12 hours ago, he would naturally be hungry.

“I’m going out for a bit.”

Not even having the presence of mind to use the hamburger buns, the child was taking large forkfuls of barbecue meat into his mouth, while biting off pieces of bread one at a time. The child, who had been moving quickly, stopped.

“Am I staying here again?”

It was obvious. His body wasn’t well, and he had developed a mild fever, so he needed to rest comfortably in a nice hotel. However, after struggling to escape from the kidnapper’s grasp, that voice calling out to him wouldn’t leave. Though there was only one choice, Tennessee wanted to at least pretend to give him options.

“You can come along if you want, but you might have to be in the trunk, not the car.”

In his right mind, he would naturally choose to stay at the hotel. However, Tennessee had overlooked the fact that this child was slightly different from other children.

“How long will it take?”

“One and a half to two hours.”

“I want to go. I’ll stay in the trunk.”

Tennessee resigned himself.

“Fine, just eat first.”

After lunch, the child painfully brushed his teeth. Even though he was told he could skip it, the child firmly shook his head. He seemed to have his own principles.

“Even if I don’t have money or a home right now, I need to do the basics. If you give up on that, it really is your end.”

To avoid living a life that was really at its end, the child forcibly opened his swollen, immobile jaw to brush his teeth, shower, and change clothes. It seemed more like determination than stubbornness. Tennessee couldn’t take his eyes off of him at first.

Sitting the child down with his hair half-wet, Tennessee told him to open his mouth. Although he had checked before, the child hadn’t been fully conscious then. Tennessee checked his teeth again. From start to finish, he carefully pressed and checked his gums and teeth.

The child recalled that this kind of contact seemed to be a first. His split lip hurt, and it was painful to keep his mouth open while swollen, but it didn’t feel really difficult. However, thinking about it, he realized that almost everything he did with Tennessee was a new experience for him.

Tennessee’s gestures showed consideration to minimize his pain. Throughout examining the teeth, Tennessee’s gaze was focused solely on him. That fact made the child feel special. He was aware it was just a touch, but he clearly felt joyful.

Then Tennessee washed his cold hands and took out medicine. Though he had applied it occasionally while he slept, it was time to apply it again. When something touched his badly swollen left cheek, the child grimaced.

“Does it hurt?”

“Yeah.”

“Take half a painkiller more.”

“Is that okay?”

Though too much could cause stomach bleeding, this amount would be fine. When he nodded, the child extended his hand. After handing over the halved pill, the child slightly opened his lips. At first he didn’t understand, but soon Tennessee realized it was a signal asking for water.

What am I, his servant?

It made him laugh, although it was just water after all. He was like a baby bird chirping for food. When he willingly held up the water bottle, the child gulped it down.

“Let’s go.”

As soon as Tennessee thought it was enough, he withdrew the water bottle. While wiping his lips, the child nodded and then stretched out his arm.

“Put medicine here too.”

“I already did.”

“That was the bruise medicine.”

What the child was pointing to was a scrape. Unlike the large black bruise, the scratch was small. With scabs already formed, there wasn’t really any need to apply anything. The child stubbornly pointed to the small abrasion on top of the bruise.

For a moment, a silent battle of wills began. The one who lost, or rather, chose to lose, was Tennessee with his many sins. Rummaging through the paper bag, Tennessee took out and squeezed some ointment.

“Here too.”

Next, the child showed a small scrape on his shin. Then the knee, side. The handprint on his ankle was the natural progression. The child complained about why he wasn’t applying medicine to such a large bruise, and Tennessee, without the energy to respond, automatically moved his hand.

“Let’s go.”

After spending about 30 minutes like that, Tennessee spoke and the child finally moved. Then he stopped abruptly again.

“Can’t you buy me that Mountain Dew?”

“What did you hear me say? I said you might end up locked in the trunk.”

“Then I’ll drink it in the trunk.”

Tennessee decided to only watch the child until today.

Alejandro probably didn’t know he was going to die. And he would be even more clueless about how his death would rebound in an unexpected direction.

Tennessee thought it was good that he brought in that man yesterday. In less than an hour after getting him to talk, he blabbed about everything, not just about the rival gang, but how the grudges started and continued. That’s how Tennessee cleverly left clues and got the rival gang members moving to start a fight.

It would be easier to just kill him, but then he thought about how the child might have to deal with the consequences. As Tennessee watched Latin Emperador engage in a shootout with the rival gang before even dealing with Alejandro, he turned his head to the side.

The child, who was happily drinking Mountain Dew, tilted his head as if asking ‘What?’ Tennessee shook his head and started the car. One was taken care of, now it was time to get back on track.

***

“So are we safe now?”

When he returned to the hotel and Tennessee said it was all over, that was the first question the child asked. Of course, Tennessee shook his head. What could be more pointless than asking if it was safe now?

At least he had filled in one immediate pit, so to speak. But even if you don’t fall into a manhole, you can still trip on stones sometimes or twist your ankle. Sometimes what seems like a simple sprain turns into a full tumble with broken limbs. The future was uncertain and letting your guard down was dangerous. Still, the child was visibly relieved at having overcome one hurdle.

It was well past midnight. The child had been sleeping soundly, snoring lightly for a while now. Tennessee rubbed his strained eyes. He hadn’t slept for even an hour in two days. Even before that, he only got minimal sleep. He had chronic insomnia. He used to get enough sleep to survive, but after consciously staying awake for two days, his rhythm was broken and sleep became even harder. He was taking a break from sleeping pills at the moment.

Rather than waste time like this, might as well get some work done early.

Tennessee got up with a sigh. His body, desperately demanding sleep, swayed momentarily, but Tennessee forced himself to move while rubbing his forehead. It would be better to push his body to its limit and then have a deep sleep.

“Tennessee.”

As he was grabbing his car keys, the child called out, voice heavy with sleep. But the child’s eyes weren’t open. It’s probably just him sleep-talking, Tennessee was about to turn around.

“Tennesseeee…”

A call that burst out with crying.

“Hic, Te-Tennessee, sob, where did you g-”

The car keys went back beside the TV.

“Wake up.”

“Where did you go, leaving me-, hic, ungh*, sob*, Tenne… ssee, it hurts.”

Without opening his eyes, the child was overwhelmed with sorrow. Weak hands swept through the air. The unconscious child gasped and tossed and turned.

“Where… did you, hinng…”

He couldn’t even finish speaking through the sobs. Tennessee simply picked up and held the child. He was still walking through nightmares.

When he held and patted the stirring child, he soon calmed down. His shoulder gradually became wet. Now the child couldn’t even call him, couldn’t say it hurt, and just sobbed pitifully.

“I… was good… hic, why did you do it…”

Those must be the words he couldn’t say back then. Words of blame, like Why did you betray me? or How could you be so twisted?, went unsaid. Tired of indifference, the child seemed unable to distinguish between being comforted and being tormented.

Tennessee sat back against the bed’s headboard while holding the child. The child who had been sobbing pitifully was now breathing regularly, having seemingly reached the end of his nightmare. Tear stains were heavy around his eyes, jaw, and cheeks. He probably wouldn’t be able to open his eyes properly tomorrow.

While at it, Tennessee decided to spend the night like this. He was suffering from insomnia anyway, and rather than waste time, it was better to comfort the child. To help reduce the nightmares of a child who tried to hide the deep wounds from experiencing a great betrayal.

Tennessee looked at the window and closed his eyes. Even though lying down would be useless since he wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway, the child stuck to his chest like mozzarella fresh from the oven. His wet left shoulder was damp, and the occasional nuzzling against his chest tickled like a spring breeze. Even though closing my eyes won’t help…

With such thoughts, Tennessee gradually fell into sleep. It was a deep, dark pool of slumber where he wasn’t even aware that he was falling asleep.

If it hadn’t been for the knocking sound asking about housekeeping, he would have slept on. Tennessee blinked several times, his eyes still not fully focused. What time is it? That can’t be right. When he first woke up, he had to check multiple times.

Tennessee was still holding the child with one arm. The child, who would soon turn twelve, was heavy once picked up. For an average adult male, not Tennessee, it would be impossible to hold the child with one arm. However, Tennessee could stand absent-mindedly holding the child even with his mind not fully awake.

Why am I standing? Ah, I need to wash up first. Running his hand through his hair, Tennessee went to the bathroom. Then he realized he was still holding the child like a grocery bag. Going back to the bed to lay the child down, his clothes were pulled, and that’s how he found his collar was firmly gripped in the child’s hand.

Of all places, it was his collar. As he was peeling off the child’s fingers one by one, the child got irritated. He thought he heard a word starting with F. What a nasty temper. After leaving that impression, Tennessee firmly removed the child’s hand.

***

“Fill it up.”

When he handed over the cash and spoke, the child jumped down eagerly. The car he was driving this time was a blue pickup truck. Having spent quite some time riding in cars together, the child now skillfully pressed the numbers to help with refueling.

Tennessee looked up at the sky. In the clear sky, huge clouds floated around, surrounding them. The weather was perfect.

“Can’t you buy me some snacks?”

The child asked while refueling. When Tennessee handed over two twenty-dollar bills, the child’s face lit up. Behind the sunglasses, white teeth sparkled and his mouth split into a refreshing curve like the current weather.

Tennessee’s eyes were fixed on the child’s back as he headed to the convenience store inside the gas station.

The child was wearing one of the outfits he had bought him at the mall last time. It was a t-shirt with a huge famous sports brand logo on it. The child had liked the white sleeveless shirt he chose first at the mall the most, but unfortunately, it had become like a rag due to recent events and had to be thrown away.

After looking at the once white sleeveless shirt covered in footprints and dirt, the child had been devastated. Though there wasn’t a single complaint, Tennessee thought that maybe that’s what made it more memorable.

At that time, it seemed like the child was covered in resignation as if that’s what he was used to doing. Tennessee recalled the familiar creeping scent of bad luck. However, as if mocking Tennessee’s expectations, the child didn’t give up.

They hadn’t spent a year, not even half a year together, but the difference between Tennessee’s memory of the child’s first appearance and his current one was surprisingly different. Tennessee was certain that people who knew the child before wouldn’t recognize him now.

The child from when he first met couldn’t smile like this. He couldn’t naturally smile or make eye contact. Back then, the child would first lower his anxiety upon waking up in the morning. He would look down at the floor as soon as he woke up. He slipped his bare feet into shoes that represented his worthless life.

Now when the child wakes up, he turns his head to look at the hotel window. He looks at the sunlit window and scenery before giving a big yawn. And when Tennessee tells him it’s time to go, he moves according to that schedule. If there’s time, he watches cartoons on TV, makes peaceful conversation, or sleeps a bit more.

“Tennessee, I bought water too.”

The child comes running with a large drink in one hand and a water bottle for Tennessee in the other. Under the hot sun, wearing sunglasses and cool clothes, the child looked more like someone who had temporarily left home to find refuge rather than a homeless child.

Tennessee’s gaze shifted to the bag in the car. It was the child’s, of course.

As his number of possessions gradually increased and the child became attached to trivial things, Tennessee ended up buying him a bag. He had needed to teach him some discipline.

‘You call this organizing?’

‘…’

‘Take everything out and spread it out.’

That’s what Tennessee had said when he saw the clothes stacked like pancakes not long after buying them. Now he had to teach him how to fold clothes too. With a sigh and a gesture, the child moved hesitantly. Until then, the child only knew how to roughly fold clothes and stuff them in, not how to neatly organize belongings. He must not have learned anything at the foster home, Tennessee concluded.

‘If you can’t organize them properly again, next time I’ll throw everything away. Think I won’t do it?’

I think you definitely would.

The child had to suppress talking back.

Still, since he learned well when taught, the child started folding his clothes properly after that.

Tennessee, who had smirked at seeing the bag kept organized, checked the time. It was time to leave again.

“What do you want for lunch?”

“Pizza.”

“Sure, let’s have that.”

“Uhm…, Tennessee.”

The child carefully called Tennessee as he was putting on his seatbelt.

“Are you being so nice to me lately because you feel sorry?”

Tennessee raised one eyebrow as if to say ‘what are you talking about?’

“…You don’t have to.”

“Stop making up novels in your head.”

“These days my eyes pop open in the morning.”

The child mumbles while slurping his drink.

“In the past, I would sigh when it was dawn and be like, ‘Here we go again. When will all this end?’ Waking up always meant pain. When I was asleep, I could forget the pain, forget what kind of life I was living. But as soon as I woke up, all those thoughts would come rushing back.”

As he started the engine, the car began to vibrate slightly. The child, seeming embarrassed, fiddled with the snack bag he bought.

“But now it’s different. I wish the sun could rise twice a day.”

“Quiet.”

“Thank you for not leaving me at that hotel and letting me come with you.”

“I said, quiet.”

“If you are being nice to me like this because you feel sorry about that day… You can make me feel sorry many more times.”

Tennessee briefly rested his forehead on the steering wheel. Not understanding his feelings, the child was giggling. This gentle appearance with the anger drained away made Tennessee wonder if this was what the child had been like before Hurston tore him apart.

‘Because you feel sorry’… Had he been particularly nice to the child recently? Looking back, he didn’t particularly feel that way.

However, there was something suspicious about his own actions. After the matter with Alejandro was finished and Tennessee finally had time, he had opened the documents he received from Megan.

[Taylor Watson]

When he saw that name in the documents, Tennessee had spent a long time reflecting on the past.

Perhaps it was because of seeing that name. The world was truly small.

Finishing his contemplation, Tennessee put on his sunglasses. He didn’t forget to add one blunt comment.

“You need to take care of your pride.”

“Got it.”

Looking at the child who answered cheerfully without hesitation, Tennessee flicked his cheek. Then he held out his hand.

“Give it here.”

What he was asking for was the drink. As soon as he received the styrofoam cup, he drank more than a quarter of it in one gulp. Tennessee! The child protested, but he ignored it. If he let the child drink too much, he would need frequent bathroom breaks. Then he would have to either go all the way back or leave his current route, and finding a bathroom would all be Tennessee’s responsibility.

“Now be quiet.”

The pickup truck started with quite a noisy sound and vibrations.

“This one’s still with you, huh.”

Though she wasn’t the type to ask unnecessary questions often, after seeing the child accompany him for several weeks, Megan couldn’t hide her curiosity. She frowned while looking at the child.

“Bringing a child here. Even if you came through the back door, this is still a strip club.”

“I know.”

It’s not like Tennessee wanted to bring a child to a place like this. However, the child had been having occasional nightmares—though the frequency was gradually decreasing—and was anxious, so lately he had been taking him everywhere he went. Megan linked arms with him, losing interest in the child.

“Tennessee, how’s that thing you were digging into going?”

“I’m handling it.”

The child sat quietly while sucking on his snow cone. He kept his voice down, trying not to interrupt the conversation. Tennessee lightly patted the child’s head and asked.

“What about that woman from back then?”

After asking ‘Who?”, Megan quietly traced her memory. She remembered what she had said about the woman Tennessee had had a one-night stand with.

“The one with a Brahma on her back?”

“Yeah.”

“Haven’t seen her since.”

How strange. Tennessee gave a crooked smile.

“What about the job I requested?”

Megan handed over the documents she had prepared.

“This is why I called you today.”

Opening the envelope, Megan handed over a note from inside. It was a bill.

“Listen. This is as far as I can go.”

Megan sighed.

“Your instinct wasn’t wrong. I couldn’t find your client. He doesn’t exist. He just doesn’t exist. Did you track down the broker?”

Megan’s voice naturally lowered, expecting Tennessee to ask what she meant. However, Tennessee’s expression remained gentle. He instead sealed the envelope as if he had already known.

“Rick said something similar.”

No wonder he wasn’t surprised. Megan raised both hands. Tennessee recalled Rick’s urgent phone call from yesterday.

[The target exists. Their background isn’t too different from what you told me. But I can’t find the client. No broker either. It just cuts off at some point.]

“I remember checking the documents myself. It wasn’t even a new intermediary. He wouldn’t have created a non-existent person and given me work for no reason.”

There was nothing special about the job. Appropriate payment for appropriate difficulty. It was like any other job.

[If he made up a fake identity, we must be talking about someone big. CIA? FBI? Tennessee, I don’t know what you did, but have you messed with some real big shots? It can’t be anything else.]

“Where did you get the job?”

His unease had turned into certainty. Tennessee sighed, and the child who had been quietly eating his snow cone sensed the atmosphere and looked up.

“I was selective about which jobs I took.”

“I know, Tennessee, you’re a killer with faint but existing boundaries.”

And Megan added. It was something Tennessee already knew all too well.

“With or without boundaries, you’re still a murderer…. Anyway Tennessee, this is as far as I’ll go. Sorry.”

Tennessee recalled the chill he felt at the back of his neck in the 7-11 parking lot. His instincts were always right.

Whatever it was, it was a trap. He had fallen into a trap. If it was about revenge, they could have come to kill him anytime, but he couldn’t guess the intention and mastermind behind setting up such an elaborate trap.

“Sorry about killing the mood, but Tennessee, for real, who is this kid?”

Tennessee anxiously rubbed his mouth. Damn it, I’ve wasted too much time. He should have moved right after contacting Megan. He shouldn’t have wasted time on someone like Alejandro.

“Someone for you to take care of.”

“What?!”

“Tennessee?!”

Both Megan and the child shouted.

Ignoring him, Tennessee gathered the documents. Right, I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t have come here in the first place, no, I shouldn’t have wasted time like this.

“Could it be the CIA?”

“Who knows.”

Stealing the car and leaving that place had been a good choice. But he should have kept moving without rest to prevent being tracked. Leisurely stopping at restaurants with the child, resting, staying at proper places… Even after coming to Texas, he had moved in ways that left his traces completely visible. And if we talk about Alejandro… Damn it. He had gotten dull.

But it wasn’t fair to blame the child. Tennessee had made his own decisions, and the child was just someone who had been kidnapped. Tennessee had to take responsibility himself and needed to move immediately to resolve this situation.

Megan, who had been face-down on the desk as if she had a headache, asked.

“Where are you going?”

“Need to hide.”

The child wavered at the center of the conversation between the two adults. An unexpected storm had blown through the peaceful air. Did I hear that right? Take care of the child? That child, he must mean me? The half-empty cup fell limply from the child’s hand. He was being treated like baggage openly passed from one hand to another.

But what was sad was the thought that maybe this was the treatment he deserved.

“Megan, do you have a car?”

The child lowered his head quietly without arguing. They had already noticed that the situation was turning urgent.

What will happen to me? And just before that question came, an even bigger question hit: What will happen to Tennessee?

“I do. Wait. It’s an employee’s car. I’ll go out with you.”

Megan left the office saying she would get the keys.

“…Tennessee?”

Tennessee lowered himself to the anxious child. The child’s eyes wavered uneasily. The child had been continuously anxious lately. When walking behind Tennessee, he would sometimes stop even while running to look back. And only after confirming that Tennessee was taking steps would he turn back around.

‘Tennessee!’

It seemed like he wouldn’t be able to get that cry out of his ears. Tennessee pulled out a handgun. It was the spare gun he had prepared for the child’s share right after hearing from Rick. Even though it wasn’t the first time, the child hesitated. When he handed over the gun, he tried not to grip it firmly, so Tennessee wrapped both his hands and made him hold it tightly.

Tennessee explained how to shoot once again, step by step. Like a cold instructor. And after touching the child’s arm to check that his muscles were contracted, he flicked his cheek. It meant to put more strength into it.

“Take a deep breath.”

Though the adults had only exchanged a few words, something was moving too quickly to catch up with. When the child only looked at him without listening, Tennessee repeated.

“Take a deep breath.”

The child slowly steadied his breathing. While trying to engrave everything he was being taught into his mind without missing anything, he anxiously bit his lip.

You’re going to leave me behind, aren’t you? That’s why you’re giving me this?

Even while holding the dangerous weapon, a deep sense of powerlessness hung over the child.

“Open your eyes. Look properly.”

Tennessee grabbed the child’s shoulders, gently but firmly.

“You’ll be fine, but it doesn’t hurt to be cautious.”

Knowing that was a bright red lie, clear anger could be seen through the child’s eyes. Tennessee’s urgency, masked as calmness, only made the situation worse.

“…Tennessee?”

Should I take the child with me? It was a worry Tennessee had gone through dozens of times in this short moment. But he couldn’t know what would unfold. The enemy was unknown. He hadn’t seen it coming. If they could set such a trap, they must have been watching him for a long time.

What if a gunfight breaks out? Even if we go straight to a safe house, will the child be able to survive there? He imagined the child lying lifelessly on the cement floor.

Empty eyes, blocked breath. It was a horrific scene that overlapped with his mother he had killed with his own hands. Tennessee couldn’t bear that. Especially not after hearing the child’s desperate voice calling for him.

Tennessee realized that hearing ‘Why did you hurt me?’ would be worse than hearing ‘Why did you leave me behind?’

“Stay with Megan. It won’t be for long.”

“…I don’t want to.”

“You think I like this?!”

Finally, Tennessee’s voice rose. Tennessee tried to put himself in the child’s place.

Even if he had been the child, he wouldn’t have easily listened. The child had no tiny hint about the current situation, and his words probably weren’t getting through.

Tennessee reminded himself of how much he had neglected and mistreated the child until now. As he couldn’t understand, he wanted to show rather than tell. If he could display these complicated feelings right in front of him, wouldn’t the child understand even for a moment?

“Don’t whine.”

Tennessee snapped coldly.

“Don’t cling to anyone. Take care of yourself. Don’t expect someone else to handle your problems.”

Heavy breathing filled the small space. Tennessee put the gun back into the powerless child’s hand.

“…I’m sorry.”

The child said quietly.

“Stay with Megan.”

“Just for a little while, right?”

“Yeah.”

Tennessee removed his palm that had been gripping the child’s hand. The hand that was holding the gun fell limply. The not yet fully grown wrist was painfully thin.

“I’ll give you a choice.”

Tennessee sighed. He remembered the child who had burned through his flesh with determination. He had no intention of keeping someone who couldn’t do anything on his own, and the child needed to know that.

“It’s your choice. If you want to run away now, go.”

Tennessee pulled out cash from his wallet.

“You were alone anyway. And you’ll continue to be.”

There was only despair. The child nodded to despair. Yes, you’re right.

How many times have I told you not to trust me? Yet even if he was going to abandon him on a quiet roadside, Tennessee wanted to leave the child physically unharmed.

“Take this gun, and be with Megan for a while.”

Blood seeped from the child’s lips where he had bitten down hard with his upper teeth.

“I’ll be with Megan.”

“Good boy.”

The child wiped his tears and looked up. Sometimes looking into the child’s eyes sent chills down his spine. Looking at the similar eye shape and familiar hair color, Tennessee was reminded of his younger self. Back then, he had been dead. Even though he had been alive, he had had no will, hope, or plans.

I must live again. I must live well.

It took a long time before he came to that resolution, and when he finally gathered the courage to look in the mirror, there was someone with blue eyes he had never seen before. The child’s eyes were similar to that time. Despite being pushed and pulled by a reality he didn’t understand, he remained unintimidated.

“Don’t praise me.”

This is my choice.

“When I come back, I’ll answer one question you ask.”

“…Just one? Are you kidding?”

The child who had been crushed by reality just moments ago burst out in anger.

“That was a generous offer.”

“Ten questions!”

“Not happening.”

“Then five.”

“One. Take it or leave it.”

“No! Okay, fine. One question.”

Just as Tennessee was having a serious negotiation with an upper elementary school student, the office door opened and Megan came in.

After receiving the car keys, Tennessee approached the child. The child’s body stiffened. His cheeks still had baby fuzz. That’s how young he was. Tennessee spoke quietly.

“If anything happens, shoot Megan too.”

The child just gaped blankly.

“I mean it. If she mistreats you or doesn’t help you, shoot her.”

“Hey! What?”

Megan shrieked from beside him.

“Didn’t I tell you not to trust people? It’s okay, just shoot.”

“…But,”

“If I turn out to be a bastard, shoot me too.”

Tennessee left with those words. Megan started moving too. Following her while running, the child stared at Tennessee’s back. It’ll be okay. Because he said so.

As soon as he got into the sedan with heavily tinted windows with Megan, the child craned his neck looking for Tennessee. However, he who had been in sight just moments ago had already disappeared.

“I’ll see him soon, right?”

Megan didn’t answer.

• **

How many days had it been since his unexpected parting? The child hadn’t received a single contact. Even when asking Megan, all she said was ‘I don’t know.’

“Kid, eat something.”

The child’s anxiety was largely fueled by ignorance and fear. Even Megan couldn’t figure out what was happening to Tennessee.

“Are those people trying to kill Tennessee?”

“If that was their plan, they would have had the chance long ago. I think they’re aiming for capture or information.”

The problem was that Megan was somewhat like Tennessee, giving information to the child without any filter.

“Like tor… torture?”

Only then she seemed to realize her mistake, Megan quickly thought and subtly changed her expression.

“No, thinking about it now, probably not that either. Their trap was too elaborate for that.”

Then Megan muttered to herself as she left.

“That Caylen woman, he said she was from Virginia… surely she’s not from Quantico (FBI Academy)… Better than Langley (CIA Headquarters), I guess.”

The child couldn’t understand those words. Left alone after Megan left, the child felt his throat dry with worry and anxiety. He wasn’t hungry even though he hadn’t eaten, and no matter how much water he drank, his mouth remained dry and his insides burned hot. The child didn’t let go of the gun.

“Hey, I brought you here because Tennessee asked me to. I’m not going to hurt you. Put that down.”

Megan said as she came in after a phone call. Though she said that, the child knew it was because she was concerned about his continued tension. But he couldn’t help it.

The child buried his face in his knees, still tightly gripping the cold piece of metal in one hand.

“Hello, Caylen.”

Tennessee greeted as he removed the cover from Caylen’s face. Caylen blinked, her brown eyes still hazy, not yet adjusted to the light.

In front of her, Tennessee rechecked the instruments he had set up. Though he didn’t enjoy torture, he had to try as far as he could go.

In fact, he didn’t enjoy killing, or any aspect of life for that matter. The accumulated money was little more than statistics to Tennessee. To him, life wasn’t a right.

“If you just answer honestly, this can end without much pain.”

“Tennessee.”

Caylen Ochsner. Although she was from Virginia, she grew up in Texas since childhood. Eldest of two sons and one daughter. For university, she went to UT Austin, majoring in architecture. It was a decent university, but one of the main reasons she chose UT Austin was because her family lived near campus. She worked as a DJ in San Antonio. It seemed like a hobby-turned-side job she’d been doing since college.

Looking at her background, one could say she lived quite a comfortable life. She went to a good university and had parents who paid her tuition. Given her access to various clubs, she might even have been feeling some boredom in life.

But Tennessee didn’t believe a word of that information.

He already knew her.

Tennessee grabbed a gag to put in her mouth. He didn’t want to hear pain groans and he could just take it out when necessary. He had many questions for her and intended to ask them all. Most people didn’t last long.

Tennessee had learned that statements obtained through torture lacked credibility. After experiencing and conducting torture himself, he realized this was somewhat true. However, it wasn’t always the case. It often proved helpful.

“Let’s start with a practice question. FBI? CIA?”

Tennessee already knew which organization she belonged to. Given her training, and as someone who likely anticipated being kidnapped someday, the probability of her talking easily was low-

“FBI.”

“…”

Even the great Tennessee showed his surprise at this unexpected development. He pulled up a chair and sat down.

“You seem to not have been trained.”

“…That’s a bit harsh.”

Then Caylen nodded.

“I’m not a field agent, so I only received basic training. And since I’m mostly a desk worker, I soon forgot it all…”

Strangely, Tennessee felt tired even though he hadn’t started the torture.

For someone who wasn’t a field agent, Caylen was too composed. She wasn’t just a powerless and naive agent as she claimed. Though he didn’t know what her intentions were, he was willing to hear her out. Tennessee rubbed his forehead and ordered her to tell him everything from the beginning.

“There’s an operation the FBI is running. People like you who…”

Caylen frowned awkwardly. Tennessee finished the sentence for her.

“…who kill people for money.”

“Yes, that! We’re recruiting people who do that. But since they’re such secretive individuals, we created fake clients. When they complete the job, using that as leverage…”

Tennessee closed his eyes. Now the puzzle pieces fit together.

“So, you planned to use the promise of letting it slide as leverage to make me take the job?”

“I admit it’s a cowardly approach, but without a leash like that, people like you won’t even listen.”

Caylen smiled awkwardly. That awkward smile seemed genuine.

Tennessee hated this vileness, but he was someone who made a living thanks to being like that. Cowardly people wanted someone to disappear immediately while keeping his own hands clean. If such cunning didn’t exist, there would have been no demand for Tennessee at all.

“But Tennessee, I had a wonderful night.”

Tennessee never thought there’d come a day when a torture victim would sexually harass him.

“You know, that time, that day, when you, inside me, that thing with your hips, you know?”

Should I kill her? When such contemplation showed on Tennessee’s face, Caylen quickly spoke.

“I’ll give you work, Tennessee. Accept it.”

“I refuse.”

“You’re going to accept this job anyway.”

Though kidnapped and bound, Caylen spoke as if she held the leash.

“If you don’t accept, that child will be sent back to Oregon, you know? The child will return to Mr. Hurston.”

He expected she would know about the child since he had been watched, but hearing it from Caylen’s mouth left a bitter taste.

“Even though you know how children are treated in that house?”

“I’m a good agent. I’ll report it, but that’s all.”

Such threats didn’t work. Tennessee was already planning to kill Hurston. And other human trash like him. But what mattered was what came next. Caylen’s threat was effective there.

“And what happens to the kid after? Can a place strapped for resources really take care of him? The child is already eleven, soon to be twelve. It won’t be easy for a middle school student to be adopted. What about his life after that? College? His future? Is there any guarantee he won’t turn to drugs?”

Tennessee couldn’t assert that the threats wouldn’t work. Though he no longer had any living blood relatives, he now had something to care about.

And he couldn’t guarantee there wouldn’t be a second Hurston or a second Derek in the child’s life. Such things weren’t possible with the effort of a single person. The child needed a home. A family who would genuinely care for him and wish for a better future.

“Won’t he resent you, Tennessee? You owe the child a debt.”

Tennessee was indebted to the child, though he hadn’t known he was in debt.

“Tennessee, I’m not saying this thinking you’d change your choice over just one child. I’m helping you justify it. We already have evidence that you committed contract killings.”

“Circumstantial evidence, I assume.”

“…Well, yes.”

Caylen was unnecessarily honest to the point where it was unclear whether she was being sincere.

“Why me? There must be many other mercenaries, soldiers.”

“Mercenaries are skilled but move for money, and active soldiers have strong loyalty to the country… uhm.”

Caylen frowned as if unsure what to say, then blurted out.

“Strictly speaking, you’re not the industry’s best single player, but those people work in teams.”

And she added.

“Tennessee, you don’t kill just anyone. At least not anymore. We respect that. We need someone who won’t cause incidents with guns using immunity and money as leverage, someone who knows and keeps appropriate boundaries.”

“…So the FBI can hold the leash?”

“When you put it that way, it makes us sound like really bad people.”

Will you do it? she asked, and Tennessee couldn’t answer immediately. Knowing her identity was enough. That alone was a big gain. Tennessee prepared to leave this place.

As he was securing his gun and checking his watch, there was a sound of metal clashing from somewhere distant. Tennessee raised his head. The surroundings were quiet. This place was always quiet, but Tennessee sensed a tension as if somewhere, a predator was lowering its body and holding its breath.

“My friends are here, Tennessee.”

Tennessee drew his gun.

“Don’t do that. You know if they wanted to kill you, they would have done so already.”

Now they were openly approaching with audible footsteps. Roughly twenty people?

Tennessee had to make a choice. If he played it right, he might be able to escape. But escaping wasn’t what mattered, he had a different priority.

“Shall we have a proper conversation in a different location now?”

Caylen said with a smile. It was the same shy smile as that day.