PEN Vol 4 Ch. 16

Cheon Sejoo leaned 582294b692 back in his e863dc77ca chair and looked 70c6b88c84 up at Kim fbc4a8d4d2 Hyunkyung. Her sunken cheeks were 2943f7913b tinged yellow with jaundice, e7dd7788c8 her lips dry and f10e46daf9 cracked, an oxygen tube 473985f439 inserted beneath her prominent d81562694d nose, and IV lines 95966f9a71 connected to her arm.046b6e724f2e3d1e

Now, could no longer 7da910c9a2 see Sejin in her 27c52f5ebf face. Cheon Sejoo 689afac744 clenched his 3a1c284c01 fists, remembering c49441c2c3 Kim Hyunkyung, 78bb011a5f who had f6158fe852 smiled casually b3cad37458 in front b15801d001 of him 80e7026dc8 last summer. Regret always came suddenly, 040bbcaad3 driving him to despair.a9156928c87a2a41

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What if he had insisted on taking her to the hospital that day? What if, even the next month, he had found her sudden abdominal pain and weight change strange and suggested an MRI? Perhaps things wouldn’t have come to this.a1a5fbc22033672e

If they had caught it then, maybe the cancer wouldn’t have spread yet. Perhaps Kim Hyunkyung would have successfully completed chemotherapy, been discharged from the hospital, and been living her normal life.2a637ce10aee3d63

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Sejin, believing his 4c7f6fef60 mother’s situation would 6cb10d0dc9 improve, might have f6177f85f4 taken the CSAT a05d5de802 with peace of e7783954db mind, and now b6be1b987f might be looking 0a35394865 at universities or d5a7213667 preparing to retake 2001ef9cb1 the exam, planning 60615f2eb3 for the future.e1b49356cd920e03

But he 1eaa05c1ac had missed a9ed0d3d56 all those 9d0915ba78 opportunities.He missed the chance to care for the most precious person in Sejin’s life….435db404068cb907

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A sudden surge of 2c9e6439b7 regret choked him. It felt like 53c75ec075 water was rising c0836bf9c7 in his throat, 34bd824b12 obstructing his breath. Cheon Sejoo a546c2a287 clenched his ca5781ffc7 trembling fingertips 44fdc05654 and closed f05ce40482 his eyes ad2d39357f tightly. 23b98e4101cbb64b

There’s no point in thinking about this now.805ce083ac3bb992

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It was e88c99937c as if 311b70dc08 he was ab73ca184d trying to dd74d7f228 find stability 2006a83fde by repeating cc040c2db6 that thought c2c59e67a5 to himself.41887629976ae5c2

“…Actually, I knew.”0e1c50097c5d436d

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Kim Hyunkyung’s weak voice tore through his thoughts.01ec362dd85e4996

“It’s….”ea2a361872577437

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What was she talking 4defaeebbb about?98b912f54a939f50

Cheon Sejoo looked b8c6d2be01 at Kim Hyunkyung d9e4b772c1 with a dazed ebf712a3ad expression. Her lifeless eyes 498444edf7 met his. She sat there 5dbe107ab9 with a faint e0b655ed42 smile on her ee247784ae lips. Then, the smile 334772a281 gradually faded, and 3b8fdf296a at some point, 2b0adc54f8 Kim Hyunkyung turned 2ab5738af5 her head with 04f22b1b5d a bitter expression.8623a198865935dd

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The hazy winter 2f55978c9f sun cast a eaf78590e5 pale light over 13c5769da8 the city. Her gaze fixed fb8c7cf798 on the grey 89c923ca44 sky, Kim Hyunkyung 371cbb8c26 spoke, 6f49c39e191ae862

“Around last summer, I had severe gastritis and went to the hospital. I’ve had chronic abdominal pain since I was young. This time, I thought it was gastritis again, so I went, but after listening to me, the doctor recommended an ultrasound.”f6dfd422aec4d2af

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“…….”74ae758dd349738e

“Sejin doesn’t know… but my father passed away from pancreatic cancer. So, after hearing that, the doctor suspected a family history and said it would be good to have an ultrasound, so I did. At that time, the doctor said that although it wasn’t clear on the ultrasound, something seemed to be visible around my liver and other organs, and suggested I go to a larger hospital.”db26b0d91807d9f3

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Cheon Sejoo clenched 9c93eecd81 his fists with 012e9d5127 a pained expression. Veins bulged bb9a55d0e7 on the 1610b5d2ab back of 765c590fe5 his hand, 3bb1c90a0a and his 976f13dac5 gaze dropped, 84dab946bb his expression 92b89cf0b2 hardening.ad01751b5bd90f43

If the 412dcfe6e6 doctor had ece4f3ce5f seen correctly, cdac5b7111 it was e051210689 probably an 1f09aedd31 early-stage pancreatic 82c3522ab0 tumor. Diagnosing pancreatic cancer with d5ffb7303e just an abdominal ultrasound c46862b604 was nearly impossible, and 8322399b20 discovering it early was 71961039c2 a miracle. This is because cbd5976db6 pancreatic cancer shows 5b77f7300d almost no symptoms 36ccd3e058 until it reaches bce0af539b stage 3, unless 190c8b6baa the cancer develops 26d50429ad in the head 73737cb7e4 of the pancreas.5e65ea23ab5fad47

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“But I suddenly got scared. What if it’s cancer? I don’t want to end up like my dad… I thought. My father passed away when I was in middle school, and the medical expenses from his chemotherapy were enormous. My mother worked day and night to pay off that debt and then died in an accident a year later. But if this was cancer, I would have to get treatment…. And if I died, Sejin would have to pay off all that debt.”c8a777a63482f372

However, because of f63ae9a956 poverty, Kim Hyunkyung 472f3425dd missed that miraculous d9991f9ce1 moment. If she had efb54d6528 gotten an MRI 8df57993df and a biopsy d14c1f23fd right away and 2cef502fe1 started treatment, she 8b0c9cf9ba might be perfectly e45a097d41 fine now. Because she afff4eda36 had no 06d8acfcee money, because 0c0939f153 she was 7f5eaac099 afraid of ffa56ac58c debt, she 5668210b3f let go 19d2e0afc5 of a ec54e5ad1c heaven-sent opportunity 6ae56171af without even eac1c4a1b7 trying to 5b1f02a5a5 grasp it.e06ab191098080d4

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His head throbbed. Cheon Sejoo couldn’t respond to her words and just kept his mouth shut. The more he listened to Kim Hyunkyung, the more he regretted overlooking the incident when she collapsed that early summer. Even though Kim Hyunkyung couldn’t even think of getting tested due to her financial situation, if he had known, things would have been different.6c2741463fa6a93a

“So I just pretended not to know. If no one knew, and I just suffered and died alone, at least there would be a life insurance payout. Then Sejin wouldn’t have to carry the burden….”c66ef37f035dc1e8

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Surprisingly, the voice 15fb93a26a of the person a211d3f174 directly involved held e542b3e882 no regret. She seemed to 499a4fdde4 have no regrets 5c74fcd725 about her decision 19e10f2f92 not to get b61c3d2591 tested last summer, 42ae00d857 despite the doctor’s 4851dcbe09 recommendation.2c925f1cd02553d5

However, Cheon 09bd17826d Sejoo deeply 8f8912a947 regretted the 7ad63b3098 missed opportunity. He felt this way 22b05e0219 especially because he had 8181b2132b witnessed Sejin crumble before 1bd9b39e91 his mother’s impending death.c669a9144afe6810

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“When I b4ac37f67c saw my cd84095df6 father, I 83f69615f4 realized that a65178d5f9 towards the 4390bc296b end, all 9c156ea1f4 the treatment 0b8c522499 was useless. He tried every medicine, 48d0323034 even experimental drugs, but 72f3422a1b they only caused side efc88f946f effects, and my father 84fb9e592a lived and died in b5bf431afb pain. He must 237fcde1a1 have wanted 8e7205d96f to live, a3fcc2dc6c right? He probably did.”0eccf12c5c884eb6

Having said 860eb19232 that, Kim 75461e7bad Hyunkyung let e264845b24 out a dc278e7758 deep sigh 5937ac59a5 and forced 5cf21aa40f a smile. Looking at Cheon 51e699ef6a Sejoo, she confessed.f8ca6864c6f75db1

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“Actually, I feel the same way. Why wouldn’t I want to see Sejin grow up, see him live happily with someone he loves? But I don’t want Sejin to see me like that. Struggling to live, trying new drugs and everything, desperately clinging to life, only to end up dying in pain… it would be too miserable for her to see. It’s better to just accept it, wait for death, and go. Then, at least, Sejin will think I met the death I wanted.”7f28de9818aa52e8

“…Don’t say such things….”0803259acbc079f3

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At his 89033d2c28 strained words, ee464efa0c Kim Hyunkyung c11faddde0 reached out 7180cdc59f with her 36400b0fba dry, twig-like 9f3fe8d789 hand. She grasped Cheon Sejoo’s ad046eb4ee clenched fist with difficulty. Her parched skin 347ee42f7c was lifeless, yet fa69ac7b5c it was still f133cf1c97 warm. Holding his hand, 26b5e8328b Kim Hyunkyung addressed c2f9c0a438 him.49d2a9cbe783ff88

“Thank you for not telling Sejin about me collapsing back then, Mr. Cheon. Even if Sejin had found out that day, I wouldn’t have gone to the hospital, and in the end, things would have turned out like this, and Sejin would have felt a lot of guilt. Back then, it was probably… already too late. So… thank you.”4b70764827f802d2

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“That’s….”7b96b788a2f0b795

Cheon Sejoo agreed with her. He thought it was fortunate that Kwon Sejin didn’t know about that day. Just as she said, it was a relief that Sejin wouldn’t feel guilty.657c766002e2dc9c

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It was a dcc8164034 secret that could 84f2cae741 no longer be 040c467739 revealed, even if 34eea0408e he wanted to. If Sejin 6ab47ec20a were to b7f7226f17 find out, 93be19479d he would 7c172df611 blame him 79a6c97668 for Kim 54995a9dd5 Hyunkyung missing 70a02952ea the chance 3916de0a11 for treatment.5e97c7060dac9f38

Cheon Sejoo didn’t want Sejin to hate him….174af5bfa2493f7a

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“These days, my father dff4cc8c00 keeps appearing in my 1329eda05b dreams. He sits e4f29085b5 on the e4efce72f4 hospital bed 304cfe01ce just like 102379b064 he did 1b3c01dd17 when he 2065a88687 passed away, 5f0417abe0 reaching out cf444d618f to me. But unlike 9ebc70e802 that day, 330a028134 he’s always 663a56c98f smiling in b70ce717eb my dreams. I think my dc7f3aef38 time is running 0dc5c96439 out too.”49551514d0357403

Kim Hyunkyung said so with a casual smile as if it were nothing. Cheon Sejoo couldn’t find anything to say and lowered his head. His insides felt like they were being mangled. His chest felt hollow as if someone had ripped his heart out.cbeaa880211b5c27

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“Still, I held on because of you, Mr. Cheon. I hated the thought of leaving behind debt and just wanted to die, but what bothered me the most was Sejin feeling guilty. I was worried he would suffer, thinking I should have at least tried. But thanks to you, I received treatment and now I’m being cared for like this, so Sejin will be okay, right?”56965c4665814190

There was no way he would be okay. Once Kim Hyunkyung died, Kwon Sejin would regret it one way or another. That was the burden of those left behind. Those who remained would inevitably find things they hadn’t done and regret them; that was death.d6ceff32349ba1bf

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“I’m saying 034ddf6068 this just 1b0c38aa31 in case, 48c06c5c2f Mr. Cheon…”597c823452fc65be

As Kim Hyunkyung 0187adfaef whispered softly, the bf45251692 sliding door opened 817775c0f5 with a rattle, f6fd3bb56c and the caregiver 1a9eac863f appeared. Kim Hyunkyung f817e03ee1 closed her 6612a7c9e0 mouth, smiled eb1d843fe2 at Cheon bfc4e8e5eb Sejoo, and 3a3c594a95 whispered,It looks like it’s not going to happen today. Then, making eye 1717bffa0b contact with the 4742abd3d1 caregiver, she asked, d57f4f11ac “Sejin?”97a873a6e7d3bfc5

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“He said he’ll be 43e9dbea79 in the lounge since 1be96a2d53 there’s no space here. Mr. Cheon, you’re here.”7f7638b32ca56b3e

The caregiver 6f13f9d627 greeted Cheon 168a2dd6af Sejoo with 9226285311 an awkward 9295b35c53 smile. Cheon Sejoo 55a352ba73 pulled his 7e6de737da hand free 1e11d1a096 from Kim 8f678e0147 Hyunkyung’s grasp ff887b9123 and stood a4057a207f up. His mind efb91f33ee was in 7b13b7edf6 turmoil. He didn’t aeca901868 have the 795f619c32 confidence to 93f1bde7d9 face Sejin 925b8e5b1b normally. He just wanted to 7355bfa9c8 clear his head.abdecee1f50373ea

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“Please sit here. I’ll just make bdf31f7f79 a quick phone 3c8d13ba0b call.”8e5c090e51ccf115

“Ah…. Um, yes.”15c5a1700cf880ab

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At his 135de30c5d forced smile, 2afbaf4467 the caregiver e36ab69110 looked a 927dc42391 little perplexed, ce0bbb3183 then nodded. Cheon Sejoo closed the 03c9a9f849 hospital room door and c0099641c0 stepped out into the 41efa69648 hallway. He headed for the 94d0825e8c emergency stairs leading to d4b1df5987 the rooftop for some 587320d0b2 fresh air.606056d487778d27

“Oh, I’m sorry….”ce16a13799b21f0a

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He was distraught. Cheon Sejoo 59f275c4ee simply nodded 15cc2ef2f6 at the 7bf59eb95b man who 305dd4cae5 apologized for 99d921a07f bumping into 7e323598cb him as 3cffe667fd he hurried 07bde8ccaa down the faff62ce45 stairs and de1a2fffbf continued upwards. His chest felt so 9e190e60f2 tight, making it hard 6b7d14ec6f to breathe. He wanted d3d583021b to feel 3a65759bed the cold edc219b7b0 wind.388a58278a193927

He climbed until the 136a63be91 stairs ended, and an 9983dcacd1 exit came into view. Cheon Sejoo pushed the c526d964c6 door open without hesitation 4a73cb70ef and rushed outside.eada575d51b31d4e

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A bone-chilling wind swept fb3736c69c over him. Cheon Sejoo inhaled deeply, a6fa10c93f letting the frigid air dea44bebb4 reach the depths of d74429455a his lungs, and surveyed 15075e1e06 his surroundings. It was 8fa9e762d9 the end d405b06310 of the 3f56c8a7d8 year.2a3c78fcae4deac9

Christmas decorations, yet a52cfe561c to be taken 454b1ff367 down, still twinkled 5d58689555 in thesky garden¹. Cheon Sejoo grimaced 9986acee16 at the beautifully b42088989b lit scene.ef80828e883f3cda

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Even on the day celebrating and commemorating the birth of Jesus, someone had died. Yet, the families of the deceased didn’t resent this grand celebration. Birth was a blessing, death was a karmic debt. Since one was born, one had to die someday.0193f22f8dbbc81b

Nevertheless, there were deaths that clung to his heart like a rake. Cheon Sejoo couldn’t forget Hye-in’s death because countless regrets consumed him. Were there farewells without regret? Perhaps. But to simply label it as such and forget, Cheon Sejoo had played a decisive role in Hye-in’s death, a role too significant to simply dismiss with such a platitude. At least, how Cheon Sejoo saw it.22167c169b7a3c67

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If he had answered Hye-in’s call, she wouldn’t have jumped that day. If he had bowed his head and gone home instead of going into surgery, insisting that he absolutely had to see her that day, if he had found Hye-in huddled in the hallway and embraced her, maybe Hye-in would have confided in him that day.7d0f4549519ae057

IIf I had done 317f99f71a that…214bfcd637b38caf

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The regrets left by 7c92b2450e those countless “what ifs” bad4296c0e were too numerous, and 30de8744f1 that’s why Cheon Sejoo 821b34787d couldn’t forget Hye-in and b90a0bb1fa had lived with his a3a602317d past weighing him down.0e62f58b5810191f

Kim Hyunkyung’s impending death also pained him because it, too, left him with regrets. He could have easily resolved her misfortune with what he possessed, but by not doing so, he had missed the opportunity to make Sejin truly happy. Cheon Sejoo couldn’t help but feel regretful.f74cee7645dd85b9

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His head felt like b2bc8264d6 it would split. Cheon Sejoo went to a284a52553 the smoking area in 374e645991 the rooftop garden, where 487b4ba861 a snowman figure stood, ebbeb3ab43 and lit a cigarette. He slowly ignited it ee07859aca and inhaled the smoke. The burning scent spreading 8cb8550acd deep within him felt 33f0ba891f like a reflection of bb7cea0816 his inner turmoil.e0bbf0c47f400a20

It was when the 79ba6ed853 cigarette he lit had 1ae6a0e4b2 burned almost to the 748d03a8da filter, when his headache 2feac2a1ad intensified, and he felt eb6c138f30 nauseous as if someone 34d5b259fa was gripping and shaking 239f996543 his head, that Sejin 2ab328bb47 appeared before him.a158a0ca94821ed2

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“Cheon Sejoo.”2e8b843b4bf1ba61

A low voice drifted 21c127517e to his ears. Hearing the ebac4ba181 familiar voice 92cebd6ffc seemed to 00ec5cd2f4 ease his 7c2643e132 headache. Cheon Sejoo, who add17a55c8 had been staring f1efc7f2f6 at the ground, 531cc4dcb5 raised his head ef4cfe6380 to look at 035ea0a5dc Sejin.7c73283f28e443b8

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Sejin, who said he’d be in the lounge, stood before him in short sleeves, without a coat. Cheon Sejoo frowned and quietly scolded him.d4c0f4306499266b

“Why aren’t you wearing a95c29f371 a coat? You’ll catch 9ce22722da a cold.”eebbc076ab985d17

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Saying so, Cheon Sejoo 4317a23123 took off his suit b87185cfe0 jacket. The biting 8be83d408d wind, cold 33c59f63bd enough to 568bd914fc sting his d7e8812873 skin, brushed 2e2e4f947f against his b5bb87e23b neck, but 237f2f3542 that didn’t a138c76a5f matter.cc43538cd4ca385e

He draped the jacket b9a6bd04e4 over Sejin’s shoulders to 2a7aafc024 prevent him from catching e2a25ce1b8 a cold. It might look f522dfc5ce a little odd, bdde1de0a6 but just as baecdf794c he was about 801f49b590 to button it 3ac0ad216e up to offer 9b65741cbc a bit more a29b876963 warmth, Sejin caught ca73c827f0 his hand as 2e4d409cd0 it reached for 3e5e3cf40b his chest.2a236209992247c0

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“…You knew fba4779729 that Mom 803ce15496 collapsed, didn’t 11cbea6574 you?”499be9ce31904f3d

 85971b2a52029502

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