PEN Vol 4 Ch. 15

After receiving the diagnosis of cancer metastasis, Kim Hyunkyung’s condition deteriorated daily. It was unavoidable, as she refused further chemotherapy despite Sejin’s pleas.

With her cancer at an incurable stage, each day for the terminal pancreatic cancer patient was a step closer to death. As her abdominal pain intensified, the dosage of morphine increased dramatically, and she began experiencing delirium.

The delirium, which initially began with brief periods of sitting blankly, gradually affected her memory. By early November, Kim Hyunkyung often failed to recognize Sejin.

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She didn’t know who she was or where she was, but she became deeply anxious without Sejin by her side. So, Sejin stopped going to school and stayed with Kim Hyunkyung whenever she was awake, along with the caregiver.

“He’s our unnie’s son, isn’t he? Our Sejin! He looks just like you, so handsome, and so popular!”

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Sejin remained speechless in front of his mother, who didn’t recognize him, but the caregiver casually introduced him to her. She was too accustomed to such situations to be heartbroken by someone else’s pain.

“You have to keep telling her. It’s because of the medication, so don’t be too upset.”

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Despite this, Sejin couldn’t bring himself to explain to Kim Hyunkyung who he was. Explaining to her, with his own mouth, that she was his mother was too difficult and painful for him.

So, whenever Kim Hyunkyung forgot him, Sejin would excuse himself. He’d go to the bathroom or walk out into the hallway, swallowing his tears and calling Cheon Sejoo. 

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I’m not okay at all.

Listening to Cheon Sejoo’s comforting voice, assuring him everything would be alright, even though he knew things would only get worse, gave Sejin the illusion that everything might actually get better. The illusion shattered the moment he hung up and returned to the hospital room, but thanks to Cheon Sejoo, Sejin could endure each day.

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November 17th, two days before the CSAT. 

That day, unexpected rain fell, and medical staff bustled in and out of Kim Hyunkyung’s room due to low oxygen saturation caused by breathing difficulties. Cancer cells had spread to her lungs, causing fluid buildup and subsequent respiratory problems.

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Enduring a headache, Cheon Sejoo stood and watched as they treated Kim Hyunkyung. From that day on, she had to wear a nasal cannula connected to an oxygen generator.

Sejin couldn’t cope with the changes in his mother as she became increasingly ill. The way she withered away each day, unable to eat properly, was painful even for Cheon Sejoo to witness, so it must have been even more agonizing for Sejin.

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“…….”

Cheon Sejoo didn’t ask Sejin, who sat silently in the lounge, whether he could take the CSAT. There were always priorities. The CSAT was no longer important.

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Thus, November passed. Day by day, the end of the year approached in the form of death.

December arrived, and Kim Hyunkyung began to sleep more. She spent most of the day asleep, and when awake, she stared blankly into space, lost in delirium. The moments she was truly lucid were few and far between. Sejin was lucky if he could hear his mother call his name, “Sejin-ah,” even once a day.

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And on the days when she didn’t call for him at all, Sejin would go to Cheon Sejoo’s bedroom late at night.

Knock, knock. 

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At the small knocking sound, Cheon Sejoo, lying listlessly in bed, opened his eyes. As he sat up, the loosely draped robe slipped silently down his body. Cheon Sejoo caught the sash, re-tied his robe, and walked to the door.

“…….”

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When he opened the door, Sejin was standing there. Having watched over Kim Hyunkyung, witnessing all her suffering, Sejin had also lost a significant amount of weight in the past month, unable to eat properly. Just as Kim Hyunkyung’s condition had deteriorated rapidly, so had Sejin’s. Cheon Sejoo looked up at his eyes, which looked sharper now that his baby fat had disappeared, and opened the door wide.

“Come in.”

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It had started when he found Sejin huddled on the sofa all night, unable to sleep. Since then, Cheon Sejoo had willingly offered his embrace as a place for Sejin to sleep.

“Come here.”

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Sejin, who had slept with his mother until middle school when he was much smaller, longed for human touch when he was scared or in pain. After Kim Hyunkyung was moved to hospice care, he developed a pathological aversion to silence, making him so sensitive that he needed to hear even the slightest breathing sounds to fall asleep.

Cheon Sejoo opened his arms to Sejin, who had grown taller than him. Kwon Sejin didn’t hesitate, resting his head on Cheon Sejoo’s arm and burying his face in his chest.

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Small breaths filled the room. Cheon Sejoo also felt a sense of calm when he was with Sejin. On days when he was consumed by anxiety, unable to leave Sejin and go see Doyoon, Sejin’s warmth became a refuge from his suffocating feelings.

Of course, that warmth alone could never erase the underlying pain, but the mere fact that Sejin relied on him so deeply gave Cheon Sejoo the strength to carry on. He couldn’t show weakness to Sejin as long as he depended on him.

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“It’s okay.”

Stroking Sejin’s back, Cheon Sejoo always said the same thing. That everything would be okay. That things would get better…. Since Cheon Sejoo himself hadn’t gotten better even five years after Hye-in’s death, these words were perhaps more of a wish and a hope. 

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I’m not okay, but you will be. I was alone, but you have me…. 

That’s what he hoped for.

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As time passed and Christmas approached, Cheon Sejoo instinctively felt that everything was coming to an end. Kim Hyunkyung’s abdomen, distended with ascites, was so swollen that she could no longer breathe properly without the oxygen mask. She coughed up nearly a liter of phlegm a day and couldn’t even sit up without the help of a caregiver.

Compared to a year ago, she was unrecognizable. She was emaciated, her hair was thinning, and her once elegant and sharp features were now sallow and swollen. It was difficult to understand what she was saying, as she couldn’t express herself properly.

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As Kim Hyunkyung’s end drew near, Sejin also struggled more and more. He tried to act as if nothing was wrong in front of her, but the moment he left her room, he would crumble like a child.

Seeing him sitting there, silently shedding tears, made Cheon Sejoo wish he could give his own life to her instead. It was unbearable to witness Sejin, who had never lost his spirit before, lose hope. He wanted to be with Sejin all the time, but he couldn’t. Cheon Sejoo had things he couldn’t abandon.

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December 26th. Seo Jinyoung captured images of Kang Junmyeon secretly meeting with Jason Lee in Hong Kong. Upon hearing this, Shin Gyoyeon ordered Kang Junmyeon’s arrest as soon as he returned to Korea, and Cheon Sejoo and his team spent the day devising a plan to apprehend him. The date of the operation was set for January 4th.

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December 27th. Recently, Sejin has been living at the hospital. He, too, knew that Kim Hyunkyung didn’t have much time left, so he stayed by her side until the end.

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As Sejoo reached the hallway where her room was located, a strangely familiar atmosphere enveloped him. Dry air, heavy silence. The dimly lit hallway was filled with shadows, foreshadowing someone’s death.

Cheon Sejoo turned his head, noticing that the room next to Kim Hyunkyung’s, which had been occupied just a few days ago, was now empty. A bad feeling pierced through him.

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“…No, I’m taller than Cheon Sejoo now.”

“Hey, have you been stealing all of Mr. Cheon’s side dishes?”

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Standing in front of Kim Hyunkyung’s room, he heard the murmur of conversation inside. Cheon Sejoo peered through the small window in the door. Kim Hyunkyung, wearing a knit cap and a nasal feeding tube, was laughing and talking with Sejin. Seeing Kim Hyunkyung conscious was unfamiliar to Cheon Sejoo, as it had been a while.

Kwon Sejin was smiling, which was also a rare sight. Cheon Sejoo hadn’t seen that pretty face light up with a smile more than a few times in over a year, but he smiled easily in front of Kim Hyunkyung. Sejin’s smile resembled the moonlight illuminating a path in the deep night. Like the soft halo surrounding a full moon, his smile had the power to capture one’s gaze.

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Cheon Sejoo hesitated, unable to enter. He didn’t want to interrupt the happy moment between the mother and son. He didn’t want to be the intruder who disturbed the rare peace they had found.

However, while he hesitated, Sejin spotted him. In that instant, Sejin’s eyes sparkled. Seeing an even brighter smile spread across his face than before, Cheon Sejoo swallowed a wry laugh. 

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Why are you smiling like that? 

He suppressed the playful reprimand and opened the door.

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“Mr. Cheon!”

Kim Hyunkyung, seeing him, greeted him with a smile. Cheon Sejoo returned her smile and waved to Sejin. Sejin, his smile now gone, nodded with a slightly embarrassed expression. Cheon Sejoo chuckled, thinking, That’s more like it, and stepped inside the room.

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Meanwhile, Kim Hyunkyung, her eyes narrowed, scanned Cheon Sejoo and then scolded Sejin.

“Kwon Sejin. I think you did steal all Mr. Cheon’s food. Don’t do that.”

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“No, Cheon Sejoo doesn’t eat much anyway.”

Kim Hyunkyung was aware of her delirium, so she didn’t ask typical questions like “It’s been a while,” or “How have you been?”. Instead, she casually implied his weight loss, which made Cheon Sejoo chuckle and touch his cheek, defending Sejin.

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“I’ve been busy with work lately and haven’t been eating properly. It’s not Sejin’s fault.”

“See?”

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“Really?”

Though the two of them seemed unconcerned, it wasn’t the kind of conversation to have in front of Kim Hyunkyung, who was little more than skin and bones. Cheon Sejoo smiled silently and walked over to the window, sitting down on the remaining chair. He placed the snacks he had brought on the table and asked,

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“Where’s Sunhee?”

“She went down to the convenience store and cafe for a bit. Mom wanted coffee. Cheon Sejoo, do you want coffee? Should I ask her to get you some too?”

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Sejin quickly answered his question. Glancing sideways, Cheon Sejoo noticed that Kim Hyunkyung seemed confused about who Sunhee was. She blinked, the corners of her lips twitching as her eyes darted around.

Cheon Sejoo patted Sejin’s back, telling him it was okay, so that he wouldn’t see Kim Hyunkyung’s confusion. He then checked Sejin’s condition. He seemed to be in a good mood. His complexion was better than it had been recently.

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“Oh, Sunhee! She’s downstairs right now. She didn’t even take her phone. Sejin, you go quickly and get some for Mr. Cheon too. Hurry, run before she comes back.”

Fortunately, Kim Hyunkyung seemed to have regained her senses and urged Sejin with a weak smile. Sejin stood up, looked down at her with a hesitant expression, then glanced at Cheon Sejoo before leaving the room.

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Tap, tap. 

The sound of his footsteps echoed through the quiet hallway and faded, leaving the room silent once more.

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