NYF Ch 3

Lee Jieon and 8cbdc087fd Han Cheol-woo dated 3f780844ae for a full 45d96252dc two years. And in 9235b9af0b those two e442487e1d years, Han 12411d0779 Cheol-woo got 80f620351c a lot 1e3bf0f7a6 out of c1b26dad20 me.c3fe64c746418a5e

He got the 3c7a06a8ab envy and jealousy c74c069701 that came from d4063e064a introducing his young, e531de26c0 prestigious university student 2d5a98f310 girlfriend, an excuse fd5b0a062c to fend off e4e2f87a71 other women, and a50d729db9 finally, even confirmation 100da393e0 of his own 33300ea346 sexual identity.432fdd943511ad0f

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“You knew you were gay, so why’d you confess to me?”33ecb61342248221

“I wasn’t 100% sure. But after meeting you… I figured it out for sure.”5ceac301297e41c0

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There are a lot of jerks in the world, but Han Cheol-woo was at least the kind of jerk who knew how to filter his words to spare someone’s feelings. But no matter how nicely he sugarcoated it, no girl would be chill after hearing something like that from a guy she liked. He realized he wasn’t into women after meeting me, apparently.0c2b095a5711241a

Now that a lot of time has passed, I can look back on it with detachment, but back then, at just twenty-five, I was seriously, deeply miserable for a long time. I’d confided in my friends that my boyfriend seemed to be going through a slump because he’d started refusing physical touch, and he instantly made me out to be the dumbest chick on the planet.ee0cd8da393a943e

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“…When did you start seeing the person I saw at your place?”2151475e90af5b80

“Not long ago… I’m sorry. I should’ve told you first, but the timing was always off…”5d2b40b965643540

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On top of that, whether it was a girl or a guy, it was still cheating and two-timing. I was swamped with exam prep at the time and hadn’t seen him for over two weeks when I impulsively went to his officetel and saw it.5b30faa5ac2c600c

I saw him intimately making out with a guy I’d never seen before.2a7cfef5daee96fb

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Who said a woman’s intuition is always right? But that intuition wasn’t sharp enough to predict something so outside the norm.26c906d67099f409

Maybe when people are too shocked, they don’t get heated but instead turn chillingly cold. The questions I threw at him, as he barely managed to pull himself together and bolt out, were surprisingly calm.73cd1fa9bbba7829

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“Did you date guys before me?”0670d0416969e231

“No! Never! You know you were my first girlfriend…”406259e66856b044

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I don’t have extreme aversion to homosexuality as a form of love. I’m not homophobic, and when articles about queer festivals blew up the internet, I’d just think, ‘Huh, okay,’ and move on. I was a person with a perfectly normal attitude.cde08cdbd31b69dc

So, I didn’t want to nitpick Han Cheol-woo’s personal preferences. I tried my best to understand and respect him as much as I could. Back then, I was annoyingly good and cruel like that.9241d70c863bb428

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“I thought about it a lot, too. I cried a lot, and I even thought about just dying… I had nowhere to talk about it… Where would I even talk about this? Tell my mom? Tell my guy friends? I felt like I was all alone in the world, but then that kid, they…”7a74fea34f17be1c

And he fbbe27e144 was a 2314afa027 truly melodramatic 5dbca00924 son of ba1c1fb1b2 a bitch.6de6e25098338200

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“Still, I thought Jieon would understand. Honestly, I knew it too. That you didn’t truly love me. A-actually, you didn’t even care about me that much, did you? You were always so aloof.”f4f84bb3157da2f8

“…”07a19b4a570d74cf

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“Jieon. You’ll cheer me on, right?”536b79b26357de33

Cheer him on, my ass… I still pray that his cute, thumb-sized dick, which was too small for his body, would someday get fractured.010e7f00b1d5a87f

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But I did at least give him the minimum human decency for a pathetic soul. I’ve kept my mouth shut for eight years, not just to his friends but his family too.40915082f2da2516

Honestly, it was embarrassing to even talk about it. My first love, practically, turned out to be gay. He didn’t have the guts to come out, and he dated me because he needed a girlfriend to introduce to people… My self-esteem as a woman shattered after I turned twenty-five.76383b37ad13be3a

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After that incident, I developed two completely incompatible symptoms: distrust of people and dating addiction. From then on, fully trusting someone became the hardest thing in the world for me. This is a world where even someone you’ve spent eight years with like a sibling and two years as a lover can easily turn their back on you. How much more so a complete stranger…?46e5d88bcbaa28cb

But at the same time, I desperately craved someone’s warmth. That’s how it was back then. I was young and alone. It was the age when being alone was the scariest thing in the world. I grew up showered with love without problems, then suddenly I was alone without any adjustment period. I was so “smart” but didn’t know how to calm myself down, so anyone who filled the void next to me was fine.08f62fca8ee234b1

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After a breakup, 0286ba1382 immediately a blind 1469b98a2b date, a new 3cc9e27221 relationship with someone a8ed2bf19c new. When that 4ac5d66d1d relationship ended, 89d209e400 again someone 3a0bd37add new. Like a broken eac82ab3e2 record, over and 7416e4c2ed over.86925c359afa551b

Were those relationships satisfying? Of course not. It was hard to completely trust my partners, so truthfully, my relationships were never smooth, no matter who I was with. There’s no excuse, it was definitely my fault.fec9b1ab2fb80c47

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That cycle of tiring and fleeting relationships ended when I was twenty-nine. Since then, I haven’t been dating anyone.93c0cce9aa576ab1

Is that why, maybe?b6429f646984c0da

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– “Manager Lee. Wanna go on a blind date?”29bcf7fa518b60be

“A blind date…”6708a574bd146759

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Lately, an unusual number f540bcd3c9 of people have been b54b821109 making these suggestions. Before my vacation, 26cd89905e my seniors had 89d77cfab8 subtly nudged me d1aae49f4e about blind dates, be88e546ab and now even e575faac38 Yoon-hee Unnie called 6741b0595a me about it. She was a senior 6c31999fd2 manager, two years my f8ec9cea98 senior at work.3865174ac2803178

Do they feel bad that I haven’t had a boyfriend for a little over four years? Well, thirty-three is probably the age where you start seriously thinking about marriage. I popped a pistachio into my mouth and replied.e6a090520419d8fc

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“Do you have someone good in mind to be saying this? My standards are pretty high, Unnie. I was quite something back in the day, you know.”0bc8ec097ecef7bf

– “Stop acting tough. I know your whole dating history, okay? You’ve only dated a few pathetic squids and that’s it.”e2410e472b18f944

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“Squids? That’s a bit harsh. How carefully I’ve met…”eef5a4ed75c92769

– “So, your first love was gay?”ee0a8a129c18c70b

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“Ugh, come on.”c2f6c5c6c2d00f7d

My mind, which had been feeling pretty light while soaking up the sun on the bench in front of the villa, instantly filled with annoyance. It was a mistake to have told Yoon-hee Unnie about what almost happened to me last week. I should’ve kept my mouth shut about Han Cheol-woo.32880d0e18601c48

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– “Shut up. Anyway, I’m gonna set you up with a guy, so just meet him. Casually.”da54ae6d4e174d53

“How can a blind date be casual? They’ll be going in thinking about marriage, won’t they?”d50e2ac10a4fbced

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– “You’re over thirty, so it’s just called a ‘date.’ If you’re really iffy about it, just think of it as a regular blind date. I called you today because I was looking at your empty seat and thought of you, and it seems you’re just letting this sweet vacation slip away, so I’m making a big offer. You get super lonely, you know.”b619314dcf30c1a4

“I’m not the old Lee Jieon. I’m not that hard up now…”3634c0c41e3465e2

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– “Shut up. From where I’m standing, your cooldown is over. And you’re not even a total single-for-lifer anyway, are you? You’re gonna get married eventually. Might as well do it with someone on your level.”9ba511c74003f986

Cooldown, single-for-lifer, marriage, level… Those words brushed past my ears dryly.2d67387cc88c8bab

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– “You know I’ve got endless connections, right?”d8ed26ccd44cb7dd

“…Yeah, of course.”37bb77d7b42af03a

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For people in our industry, like me and Yoon-hee Unnie, connections were power. In my case, most clients stayed just business acquaintances, but Yoon-hee Unnie had quite a few clients she was genuinely close with. She said she had connections that wouldn’t lose to anyone… But well. I knew what kind of guys Unnie would bring in. They’d probably be similar to my clients. It wasn’t exactly an appealing offer. Besides, I probably wouldn’t even be here come autumn.49e0426e2cb132b7

I precariously held my 4cb8595a00 phone between my shoulder cfe0435ba7 and ear, picking out b89b9f65c5 the leftover crumbs from 4c679b43d9 a nut bag. I mumbled, tossing a 88c32cd5df fingernail-sized piece of walnut 7761e1f8df into my mouth.6c86cfe34af5ca9d

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“If there’s a good guy, sure. But I’m serious about my high standards, so not just anyone, okay? You know that, right?”e120bfcfaba8969d

If I didn’t say that, she’d badger me for days. I was about to hang up after just saying that much, but Unnie threw a deeper question at me.491ab3283189778c

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– “What’s your ideal type, hun?”607f3d7cbb9a75e7

“Ideal type? Young and rich, big and handsome. That’s it.”52a201108a3e5b3a

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After blabbering that out indifferently, I somehow felt like a total gold digger. Young and rich, but also handsome and big? That’s too greedy.29ba373ae17e4441

However, a satisfied-sounding 17582a829d reply came from d57354ed93 the other end 8b0ecf3eaa of the phone.e6fc5ead56f68548

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– “Finally, you’re learning to pick men, huh? Good. I’ll list up guys with good looks, personality, and capability and get back to you soon. I’ll thoughtfully select someone on your level, so you just confirm.”53fbbe3075822f15

“Am I your client now?”3fbeb3919d865ba1

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– “Something like that. Alright, I’m hanging up. I’ll contact you later.”62fdb069f09db534

The call ended mercilessly 9da6f381f9 fast. I felt a 205fc136e3 bit sour, wondering d7c54ad6ed if introducing a 149af9f4d4 guy was really 6b7e568dd3 her main objective.738186ff4d645687

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“A date…”74bd8e9777c3378d

A ‘date,’ or a blind date. I’d had plenty of the latter. Those boring hours where you put on heavy makeup, arm yourself with flashy accessories, expensive clothes, shoes, and bags, and force a bright smile that makes your mouth cramp up.c3a7d8ab658bc2b3

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I stared blankly ea0f78d7fb at the disconnected fad87dc3a0 phone screen, then b669780bb0 impulsively opened my ecc9e81f7f photo album from 3bb24fdc40 a few years e58996ff84 ago. It was 0907d0e902 full of fca2dd7c6d Lee Jieons af7b118ec5 from different 25b6946def years.0257df936d73cdc8

“…You’re pretty, though.”ff420413dcc5e32d

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Up until twenty-five or twenty-six, I was brightly pretty. Until thirty, I was maturely pretty. After that, honestly, my face wasn’t the problem. From thirty onward, a sense of desolation and bleakness settled on my face. It was like a lie, even though there was no specific trigger.43781d389bf50e3b

Has my cooldown for being without someone really run out? Am I shriveling up because I don’t have anyone by my side?1b08edc27125cc0e

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I absolutely don’t want to go back to how I was before. If I could, I’d advocate for being single. Of course, ‘wanting to advocate’ already means I know I can’t.199ceb18491e7a98

Yoon-hee Unnie was a50975d11d right. I seriously get incredibly aab5eff361 lonely. That fact always 9908d2c790 annoys me.a82d13264c592db2

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