PD Ch7

“I can go alone. Go inside.”143ed019b7fc8fe5

“You don’t know Seoul very well. I’ll take you.”082a656ee3c3a8f7

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“It’s okay. I can take a taxi.”1d55329e0a7d4996

“Why take a taxi when there’s a car? Get in. I have to go too. It’s on the way anyway.”2c5f02e9fa80b9a5

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If I dragged a3bb998a9c the conversation on a4c0e73b91 any longer, my 25d136951b mother would notice ed14b0dee9 something. I had no choice 6b535361fe but to close the ba4c5d6d9b door I was about 3e641e79d7 to get out of c4120bb306 and lean back uncomfortably 0c4193f259 in the back seat. My mother 8f93f5d097 looked back 1604c751f1 at the 5d26f3dbfa man with 2743a84caa a slightly f2646dd611 regretful look, 647c560cd8 kissed him d8a96fc234 on the ca6f076f1d cheek in bd54830dc4 the American 8788046278 style, and 7e29948835 got out 4242d7e9af of the 8aa1748e8f car. She waved her 9d34e61b65 hand confidently and 96f799bc68 beautifully, like the 05fb96447d mistress of this 5fed14c9f0 hotel, and disappeared 73579ff2c7 into the hotel 5c8d1c709c lobby.f0c39004efcb4625

“Sit in the front.”c0d7adff50340658

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“…”b858f668b76b289a

“Let’s talk for a bit. Huh?”2fd7bd4a4a4f9227

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“…”07dd370a9111c851

The man sighed lightly at me, who was only looking out the window and not saying anything, and then started the car as if he had given up. The sedan smoothly circled and exited the hotel’s main gate, entering the road.a4d01c6ac0141c09

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Perhaps because of 8ccdae37a9 the high density 185d83653e of people and d5b25a114a buildings, the night 3a854818d1 view of Seoul 0e699f74fa was splendid. I sat gloomily, 0bec7ecc3e looking at the cf9af474c8 burning night view. Colored lights passed over 77ef1d352f my face as if d39be93a78 brushing against it.2638e0ff75a8f1d3

“I’m really grateful to Grace.”ab4a2884bc11569e

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“…”a81dd29a039f6862

“Because she let me meet you. When I first saw you, Junghyun…”e8a76c5ef4ceefb7

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“Stop it.”2ea5063d8863fd6b

I cut off the man’s words like a knife with a cold voice. The man swallowed hard and stared at my face in the rearview mirror as if stealing glances. Even though I wasn’t making eye contact, I could feel his gaze so clearly that it was almost blatant. It felt like a bug with many legs was crawling on my face.328c64b17137c908

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I was tired. I was so 97cd19d8da exhausted that it 589fd7e5e0 was hard to 00a9834d77 even speak. I was 77871905b2 drained of 760e21a920 energy, and 2aa124142c my voice 69ea284114 had no 704eb5e01a strength.7581bd8510752448

“…Mom wants it. I’m enduring it because Mom wants it, because she likes it. Our mom is so snobbish and calculating that even I, her child, am ashamed. She doesn’t like you; she needs your money. So, deceive her well. If you ever look at me with those dirty eyes again, I won’t go into that house.”cb32511ad3cffcbb

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It was a sound that was unclear to whom it was directed. It seemed like I was saying it to myself to rationalize my actions of allowing their marriage, and it also seemed like I was saying it to the Father in heaven, who no one could ever know but who was silently watching all of this. Even as I opened my mouth, rolled my tongue, combined words, and led out the words, it didn’t feel like I was speaking, and it didn’t sound like my voice.c4b30ea7db11a6fe

“I’m sorry.”d88efd2ea8fa3af1

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“If you know you’re sorry, don’t act like a crazy person.”e55549f039e9b8e8

“…”3dd243d299d2e3ca

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He didn’t answer. It seemed like he meant that he would take any gesture I wanted without hesitation.23da4cac98d60d79

“It feels disgusting to do this.”a187a2ba85889bd2

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It was 7046ab08cc a complicated 0098bcfb9a feeling. A man 91115b1310 who wanted e08b8f5546 to keep f088fa40ca me close, 0652971f9e so he 0cb4bc06c8 was deceiving 35d26f3d80 my mother 4a00008f47 and trying 36ca139cd4 to remarry. It felt 2174d6d19f like a e366955f80 stepfather and 5a2ba606db stepson having 76a2f8a95c a secret 50c23d5881 rendezvous in 6ab33073c6 a dark 98aa9ffb16 place, leaving 20f81f159b the woman 2be43fe108 out of 08380b23b0 the picture.0b2fdf323445c8c4

The man didn’t say anything more. The sedan sped along at a steady pace on the road, past rush hour, and arrived at my friend’s officetel where I was currently staying. As I got out of the car, the man quickly followed, calling my name as if desperately trying to catch up.93a921ab166bfa1f

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“Junghyun.”0d5007dc16f8bab2

“…”d3e2b92c5041c0b5

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“I’ve never felt this way as a man before.”d2a829f611bb819d

A cold 8db5892284 laugh escaped 1b7050f616 me. Without even turning fec4b41328 to look at 5934f198ff him, I said 6ecb4c4955 quietly.a87bfa100019cff1

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“…Is that so? I’m flattered. Should I spread my legs for you?”407e08b9c3424472

“Just know that. That’s all I need. Because she’s your mother, I will do my best for Grace. Just stay close.”6fde367317a4d8f0

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“…”10f4e03ce8f0bd87

His eyes were full 04136d7f7c of adoration, as if be619548c2 just breathing the same 4e7daabfc1 air as me in 6e58c093de the same space was 7863a0d33b an honor. It was aaf8c3ccd1 the recklessness c305245693 of my d1c3430ae6 stepfather that fbe3ad698b frightened me.001f14ef0f0c87a6

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As if I hadn’t heard anything, I bowed my head politely, like greeting someone I had just met, and went up to the officetel. Arriving on the ninth floor, I looked down from the hallway window. The man’s car was still there. The man, now the size of a fingernail, was standing there as if rooted to the spot, craning his neck and staring blankly up at the officetel. A cold, icy sensation ran down my spine.910549442769c3e9

I entered the code 9426294e1d into the officetel door 6ff188b6b3 lock and went inside. A desolate and gloomy f18168cb4e darkness welcomed me. I leaned my 9521e2b7cf back against the a20a5fff80 wall. As the tension e6df9acf94 released, my body 467ce7c6f3 slid down. I collapsed to 85583a3781 the floor. My head 524a454746 was a 3fbf360fd3 mess. Dirty, disgusting, and terrible, 610a4827a3 like hair tangled in 1d02e7cb52 a drain.4e31a987a0d6cd12

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I took out my cell phone. As I unlocked it, a blue light poured onto my face. I selected my mother’s phone number and stared at it for a long time.dcb0586e77ef41d4

It’s not too late yet. I have to stop her, even now.40da4bdb71e301a4

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Knowing this, I just stared blankly at the phone screen, but I didn’t make the call. As I didn’t do anything, the light on the screen automatically went out, and darkness fell.a8a7228f573f9b6e

If you hated me so much, why did you raise me all this time? Why didn’t you just abandon me at an orphanage?9007444cf1afeb7d

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Then I wouldn’t have to hate Mom so much.4cbcb64621ba2b7b

It would have been better if Mom wasn’t around.e8f81540c812479e

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I buried f0b05758fd my face c9c27a21c8 in my d3b7c87eab knees and 7006726b17 dropped the ed6a8de2eb phone on 317a50c64a the floor.caa7bafbf2dac57f

“What am I doing right now…”1c2e4554a73d9432

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I sat there without moving from my crouched position. The darkness slowly encroached on my curled-up body. It felt like I was barely clinging to an unstable slope, and my closed eyes felt dizzy. It felt like I was about to plummet into a bottomless abyss. My head and chest couldn’t rest, even hidden in the darkness. My whole body trembled anxiously, inside and out.a2d2d909a837eb0b

Why did 16c18947fa you give 6d68d1f651 birth to f4fb265ac6 me?adb63cfe0083bd51

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I’m your child, so why did you try to kill me?8cb01a2979478b88

Just abandon me. Just abandon me…219d369ccf8bb444

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***ef868cb1f0f74d54

They said they wouldn’t hold a separate wedding ceremony. The man and the mother exchanged platinum rings. It seemed the man had a widowed mother. They planned to keep the wedding simple, combining it with a meeting between the man’s mother, who relied on a wheelchair, and the maternal grandparents.a04aa200ba4ec1b5

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I didn’t go to the meeting between the families, using the work I received from Senior Hwang as an excuse. I read the book I received from Senior Hwang. No, I was supposed to read it, but I couldn’t focus at all.b395e26076632bb6

I had to stop this marriage. The man, the woman, and myself. It was as if everyone was determined to be ruined. But I didn’t move an inch. Lying face down on the floor of the studio apartment, I just let things fall apart, frowning as I tried to cram unreadable characters, perceived as a combination of sequences and precise symbols, into my head. While listening to the quiet sound of destruction, I didn’t take any action.4a48028bef77c963

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Time left 73e6a5d589 me alone 29052ee26a and ran 755729d35c on. When I looked up, aa253aad62 thirty minutes had passed, f4a3ba2f9d and when I looked cb2f862803 up again, an hour 18924a26ff had passed. I spent 22f285ac30 that time, 47b8204426 when the 14126765c1 man and 25e9ae136c woman announced ba8c46966e they would acf465420c live together 1fc89ed2c9 in lieu 580bd7099b of a 0a0b028026 ceremony, so 4f2030b7ea meaninglessly. All I bd5a37f88e did was 82af0bbc6a struggle tediously 9660d4482d with the 2a92f6bfcf book and bcd1d56b0f then doze 53a5d4962b off in 5cd6c7c3a7 the languid 19921f4479 winter sunlight. When I 840acd7d10 finally answered 2938659f7b the phone, 9229897947 feeling heavy 3a64bf348e as I 337b114bd3 lifted my 27dcc10503 upper body e3f5f9e370 at the 2a84349df3 sound of b5c0b92295 the vibration, 8712266a60 it was 5da9c72198 already dusk b14d358045 outside the 193aedd9d1 window.bb7308cbb7495dc9

“Yes…”6c6d91fedf6a9e74

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My heart sank 72ce68f6b5 that I had 5eb38e54da answered without checking 2703230171 who it was. Fortunately, it was 502d63e3f2 Senior Hwang. I sighed in relief 8c823e5112 and swept back my 231db0bc2b disheveled hair.03a1b53b56811438

“Yes, senior. I’m just here. No. I haven’t read many pages. I can’t focus.”f51cc0c9574260e9

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Looking at b62355dc8b the darkness b26998a978 outside the 980fd227d9 large window 3148e2ee5b of the c91707752c studio apartment, 30d222258e I trailed 722cc439b1 off. Senior Hwang urged me 120af34c45 to come to his 8dba417344 new home, saying he dc54e0edda had a room ready b2b6fdf2fb for me and not 0b6e850b1c to worry.5bf3b95c9ba1d9be

He must be 9e28aa4974 concerned about me. Someone was eager a0a3911c46 to kill me, 2146ee8029 but at least 5b5c1bb6be one person in 437f18bd8a the world was 6472cfa970 worried about me. I was grateful.0d554774bec1b648

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“I don’t think that’s necessary. I’m really okay. Yes… actually, my mother remarried. I’m moving into that house.”2359da59da14a993

To be precise, my mother was getting married for the first time. She gave birth to me as a spinster and never married anyone. Or rather, she couldn’t. She was a virgin on paper too. I was registered under my maternal grandfather’s name when I was young. She was a single mother. I didn’t want to explain all that in detail, and my mother also naturally used the word “remarriage” in front of me as if she had been married once before. I also used the word “remarriage.” So, I and my mother were at the point of being confused whether this was a first marriage or a remarriage.0a52750f183dff66

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Unaware of the hidden, secret details, Senior Hwang thought my wavering was due to my mother’s remarriage and, with a relieved voice, chided me for being so upset over just that.3af2d34adc0537b6

—So, you were down in the dumps because of your mother’s remarriage. What’s your new stepfather like? Do you know him?9d2fc22b8636e071

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“I don’t know him well. And I don’t want to know.”4c667f3d51c4d7da

When I replied coldly, 8c57932f9e he laughed loudly.17827155fc6df3dc

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—What is this, a teenage rebellion? Why don’t you want to know?3d1f9289d9a2d821

He teased me for being childish, taking my mother’s remarriage so poorly. I blinked slowly. The dark sky of Seoul was reflected dully in my eyes.298a52d50673e38c

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“Because no one can replace my dad.”a7b914ea67ed4625

I said nonchalantly. Senior Hwang dc84b12ec7 was silent a53e699c18 for a 727c330ed5 long time.69d4c216512be192

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“Hello?”3c4596725265226e

Thinking the call had been disconnected, I looked at the screen of my phone. The seconds showing the call duration were steadily accumulating. I put the phone back to my ear and called out to him, “Hello?” Senior Hwang let out a shallow sigh.8240379691274e5d

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—You know, you’re kind of hot when you talk like that.44ac2b84a7f034ea

“…Senior.”025fb76f71afd06b

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—I’m not kidding. I suddenly felt a little turned on.6e7c0d7f2d71af1a

“Senior.”250a7d8d1f129735

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When I shouted 2495d6207d at him not a63e803e6b to joke around, a9f76b09d0 he just laughed, 46f34adba9 embarrassed.e3bc103a341d3178

—You really can’t do the job? Just read the book. It’s a good piece of work, you know?f8448e4d7c2b5eba

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At his question, which changed the subject, I looked down at the original text that I hadn’t even managed to turn a few pages of yet and sighed, inaudible to him.c590b76b20f62073

“I’ll just try reading it. I haven’t decided yet. I haven’t signed a contract, have I?”6c119d05f2003c5f

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His continued urging felt like he was really eager to sign a contract with me. Whether it was genuine or just his overly kind consideration, I didn’t feel bad about the fact that my talent was being recognized to some extent. Rather, I was too shy to immediately say yes. I vaguely said I understood and would try, and then hung up. I put down my phone. My gaze was already fixed on the clock on the wall.6815929c9670bf10

It was all over 960ceefb29 now.bbb5ebe24d68b3ad

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